the anti-love.......im in the library finna work on my case briefs and homework for this week. before i get down to business, there are some things i need to get off of my brain. first of all, def poetry was amazing. it was 2 hours of straight fire...neva a dull moment. the only thing i didnt like was there wasnt an intermission. so, i held my pee for 2 hours because i didnt want to miss anything. miss staceyann was wonderful. her work brings tears to my eyes. its amazing how good poetry makes you feel....it can move you from happiness, to sadness, provoke thoughts, and it just might make you want to burn your notebook. all of the poets made me want to keep writing and most high willing, i will be on that stage with them one day. if def poetry ever comes near you, GO SEE IT. its worth every dime. next...some days i feel like im on top of the world..on top of my game and on other days, i feel like im in a big pit on my knees, looking up at the world. my "fuck it, fuck you and the cooch ya came from" attitude is still there but that doesnt stop me from being lonely. i wish my queen would hurry up. where are you homegirl? like i said before, maybe im not ready for her or she isnt ready for me but damn yo, how many more tired women do i have to talk to before she comes to me? the most high has a huge sense of humor, i tell you. the minute that i think i have my life together, just when i think im strong enough to live my life, he/she throws something at me for me to trip on. its like, im running and just when i can see the finish line, the most high puts a rock in the ground and i trip and fall flat on my face. what is the meaning of all this crap that im going through? honestly, i dont know. i pray every night that he/she remove these feelings that im having. maybe its a test to see if ill crack up and go crazy. im trying to hold on to the sanity i have left and keep moving forward. contrary to popular belief, i do have a couple of ounces of sanity left. next....i spoke with 2 of my exes over the weekend. they havent gotten on my nerves in a long time so i knew it was bound to happen eventually. i dont want to talk to ex #1 (not literally ex #1) for a while. i thought that i had gotten out all of the feelings that i had for her...but i guess not. during our convo....i got really quiet. she was talking about some things that i shouldnt have been hearing. after a while, her voice started to annoy me like someone scratching a chalkboard. you know how people have panic attacks? well, it was almost like that but more like "i need to hang up ASAP before i scream at this demonic, insensitive, self centered heffa". when i say heffa....instead of....well, yall know what i would say but...im being nice...gold star for cream! anyway, when i started biting my nails and tears started to form in my eyes, i knew it was time to end the conversation. so, i dismissed myself from the fucked up conversation and went to the library where i couldnt focus. if something or someone is bothering me, i cant focus entirely on what im doing. i wrote some pretty mean things in my journal about her but i needed to release the negativity associated with the conversation that we had. i really dont have too much to say to her at this point. maybe in a couple of weeks....maybe not. ex #2 didnt really get on my nerves, she just said some things that bothered me. maybe im just irritable, i dont know. next...i have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and i have to work at the arena tomorrow night. im not looking forward to the whole doctor thing because i dont like gettin that whole pap smear thing done. makes me feel funny. oh well...its all for my baby so i can deal with it. the only good thing about working is the fact that im getting paid to see a young buck concert. *cheesin* ok...i need to start on this homework before i fall asleep in this chair. in a minute.....peace and a focused mind.....cream out.

voted and defeated......where to begin? well, first of all, i want to say how disappointed i am about the presidential election. im not going to go on and on about how fucked up this country has been for the last 4 years...or the past 4 decades for that matter. i walked 10 blocks to vote for kerry....thats how dedicated i was to vote. on the way there, i thought about how my great-great grandmother (who my grandma says i act like) couldnt vote. even if i didnt have an opinion about this election (which you know i did), i would have still voted out of respect for my ancestors and all the people that fought along side of them for me to have the right to vote. when i walked in the polling place, everybody seemed to turn around to look at me. now, i know im a different looking black chic. i dont look like those women on bet or mtv. my fro was picked out, i had on my red, black, and green wristbands....looked very "militant". a little lady that reminded me of my grandma sat beside me and she put her hand on my shoulder and said "honey, im so glad to see a young black woman voting to get us out of the bushes". lol. she went on to tell me how much she liked my hair and how she had a fro when she was younger. that was the highlight of my voting experience besides me pushing the little red button that said vote. i love older people....*sigh* last night, i was watching the election coverage on cnn and bush looked too convinced that he was going to win. he had this smirk like one of those kids that knows he set something up to be in his favor. now, its over and of course he stole the election again. the good news is, there is only 4 more years of this asshole and we might have a chance to put a qualified person in office. the bad news is, this country might not exist in 4 years if bush keeps going the way he is going. i wonder whats going to happen to all those vote or die t-shirts that mr. combs made. lmao...they will probably he cleaning rags or something. She summed up my feelings exactly. damn im gettin amped..ok ok ok ok.....no more election talk....its making the queen upset. on a lighter note...i go see def poetry tonight!!!!! im so damn excited....more excited than i have been in a long time. im not going to get my hopes up of meeting miss staceyann but if i do, ill try my best not to act starstruck. i still havent decided what im going to wear since i have to walk to the theatre. its cold as hell here so i might just wear jeans, a poncho, and some boots and call it a night. next...2 papers and 1 exam down....2 to go. i cant wait until this is finally over. spring registration starts next week. i have already made my appointment to get my senior evaluation and meet with my advisor. from my records, i only have to take my internship, a statistics class *insert frowning face here*, and 2 electives to keep me as a full time student and then...ill be DONE. i was looking at that paper like...i cant believe i have taken so many classes. to be totally honest, only a couple stick out in my mind. shit...a lot of them, i couldnt tell u shit about now. the classes that stick out in my mind are sociology, psychology, all of my criminal justice classes, the world of islam, computer repair, and all of my art classes. im considering going to my graduation. ill just go to my college graduation, not the entire university graduation. im not for sitting for 2 hours, listening to somebody talk, just to stand up and sit down. in the college graduation, they actually call your name and you go up on stage. i wonder who will get invitations. hmmmm. ill cross that bridge when i get to it. off to class to turn in this dreaded paper. in a minute home skillet....peace....cream out.

apple tree.....its late....things are on my mind that i need to get out before i rest my head. lately, we've been sorta kinda cool. the kinda cool that brings laughter to our ears and smiles at the sound of voices. the kinda cool i only feel for a selected few, you being one of the few...the few i call my cypher, my homies, my friends. its been better than its been in a while....i think you forgot about the late night venom filled words you spoke to my voice mail or the screaming i did everytime we argued about something meaningless...but it meant something then. but now, i see that i dont mean shit...to you. im like a nigga on the street that you walk past and dont acknowledge. tonight i realized that what i thought was genuine love for me...im talking about the kind of love that best friends share for each other...isnt there. the kinda of love that midnight emotion filled phone calls are made of....or the "i just wanted to make sure you're aight" type love. but i gets no love...all i get is.....well....nothin. this isnt the first time i have felt one-sidedness in our relationship...this has been an ongoing issue. where were you when i needed you? i ask myself that question over and over again. shit...where were you all the times that i needed you? out with your friends....gotta make that money, gotta do what i gotta do blah blah blah....all you're mind is focused on is you. what you need, what you want, what makes you happy, how you feel. fuck everybody else in this world that isnt doin somethin for you...thats how ya live homegirl. livin a self centered life will lead to self inflicted strife....remember that? when you needed me...ive always been here. even in the wee hours of the damn morning when you have knowledge of my irregular sleeping patterns....when you knew my money was funny...when u were being fucked up...i was still there. loyalty is a helluva thing yo. i thought shit was thicker than water between us...i guess not. im tired of tryin to save some shit that u dont appreciate or want to save. its pointless. so if you really want to be my friend....not some bitch that i used to talk to back in the day....feel free to call. if not, its definitely your lost. thats it for right now...i need to rest my mind. in a minute....peace and loyalty....cream out.

love yo'self.......its almost been a week. i have been writing, i havent published anything. the last entry i wrote that i didnt post, was very angry. i just wrote what i felt about a certain someone. i know that if she read it, she'd be hurt. i know that i say and write things that may seem a bit harsh to some but i mean every damn word of it. when i feel like ive been done wrong or shit just aint right....i tend to flip. the older and older i get, the more self centered im getting. i realized the love that ive been searching for in someone else is impossible to find. nobody is going to love me like i love me. people say that they love themselves but yo....do they really mean it? i mean, think about that for a second. do you really love yourself? do you give your body and spirit the upmost respect? probably not. people say they love themselves because it sounds good, not because they do. do you think that cigarette you are smoking and the stress you are allowing yourself to be consumed by are acts of self love??? hell no. you have to show your body, mind, and spirit love and they will give you nothing but love in return. slowly....im getting there. the process of fully loving myself is taking time....but its getting there. i am no longer my worst enemy. next...i got my friend dee ready to go to the drag show....he's the ugliest woman i have ever seen. the drag show wasnt a real drag show....it was like an ugliest woman contest. a lot of the boys wouldnt participate because they said that it was "gay". some people arent comfortable with their sexuality and thats a damn shame. no one can make you gay...thats one of those things that just is. either you are or you arent. next....i got my ticket for def poetry a couple of weeks ago. the show is on the nov. 3rd. yo...i just found out that staceyann chin will be there. i am sooooooooo excited to see her. hopefully, ill get to meet her after the show. id probably start crying or something. thats how much she moves me. have you ever had a person in your life that moved you to happy tears??? i do, and she is one of them. everytime i read her poetry or her blog, i get all tingly inside. next...now that i look back on the million years i have been in college....i cant believe ive gotten this far. right now, i have 4 papers due plus 2 exams in the next 2 weeks. i will be so damn happy when i go home for that damn week...the mental rest will be welcomed. it always seems like i have something to do, something to read, some paper to write....its always something. i need calm....i need a hug. next...i started going to the gym on wednesday and yo...i feel soooo much better. as you probably have noticed....im frustrated and going to the gym has made it a little better. i was on the eliptical machine for almost 45 minutes and didnt even realize it. it burns a little but after a while, i got used to it. my legs are still sore a little. i want my body to be right when springtime rolls around. im not trying to do anything major....tone my arms and legs and minimize my gut. im not even focused on how much i weigh...it doesnt matter to me. all my weight is, is a number. i refuse to let that number drive me crazy. it doesnt matter how much i weigh...all that matters is how well it looks. ive seen some chics that weighed about 250 that were absolutely gorgeous. its all about how you carry it. anyway, thats enough for right now, i gotta do some damn homework. in a minute....peace and self love.....cream out.

thinking back.......i woke up this morning in an aight mood. for some reason, my lovely friend insomnia is back so i didnt fall asleep until around 4 am. which is cool because since i couldnt sleep, i was online. i went to bp chat (ohhh the horror) and to my surprise, i found some cool people to chat with. during the day it seems like a friggin circus in there. nothing but children and/or shallow minds. not saying that i dont like a shallow ass convo every now and then but damn....can we talk about more than just sex, how big your strap is, what you can do and how much ill be sprung, how much money you have, how many girls you've fucked...yada yada yada. from what ive noticed, the deep thinkers come online in the wee hours of the morning. sooo, during my bouts of insomnia, i know that ill have some peeps to vibe with. next...for the first time in about 2 weeks, i felt lonely. like i said in my last post, im dealing with it as best as i know how. im doing more so i can have less idle time. ive been celibate for 2 months not by choice and actually, now that i think about it, it hasnt been too bad. i have my times of extreme horniness but thats nothing that a hot shower and homework cant handle. i think i miss companionship most of all. its nice to have someone to just chill with. someone that i can lay beside and watch tv or someone to have a decent conversation with. one day soon...maybe. the woman that i want is out there somewhere....i hope she is thinking about me as much as i am thinking about her. i wonder what she smells like....im obsessed with smells. i can remember how most of my exes smelled. those smells always bring back memories. my 1st ex smelled like dark chocolate and cocoa butter. her skin was like dark chocolate but i swear it looked like she was glowing all the time. i loved sitting on my bed when she was getting dressed. i remember the first time she gave me that gap toothed smile...i almost busted my ass going down some steps in some heels. she held my hand and was patient with me. my 3rd ex smelled like a mixture of nag champa and ganja with a splash of coconut. i used to sleep with her locs in my hand, next to my face. for a while after i left her...i couldnt sleep soundly because i didnt have her locs. to see her smile meant a lot to me....her approval meant a lot to me. its like i wanted to be the womyn that she said i could be. i wanted her to be proud of me....not another disappointment. i wonder if i was. my 2nd ex....i dont talk about her much. mainly because i have chosen not to talk to her at all....for reasons i dont quite understand anymore. anyway...she smelled like newports and snuggles fabric softener. i remember when she told me her darkest secret (according to her) and cried while she was laying on my stomach. we were in her truck and "beautiful" by tweet was on repeat. after she told me her secret, she held me like she didnt want to let me go....like i was going to leave her after she told me. i didnt that day, but i did 2 months later. see...not everything i have to say about my exes is negative. they all served their purpose and they all cross my mind occasionally. i know that i wouldnt be the womyn i am, if i hadnt been in those relationships. all of them taught me something....some things positive, other things negative. sometimes i wish i could take traits from all of them and create my muse....lol. aight...i gotta go to class. in a minute....peace and sweet memories....cream out.

dont rush me........new layout...ya like it? its kinda plain looking but thats what i was going for. something plain and simple....pay attention to the words, not the pretty pictures. i added a tagboard again and a couple more links. lemme know what yall think. ok....my sexual frustration hasnt gone away. im just dealing with it....not very well either. im going to start working out again to release some of this tension cuz im ready to flip at any given moment. next...last night i was informed that i am very harsh and outspoken. tell me some shit i dont know....fa real. i know that i tend to say whatever is on my mind at any given time....and i really dont care. im not responsible for hurt feelings. if you are a sensitive mofo...im not for you. i think my 2 weeks of niceness has come to an abrupt end. i dont feel like being pleasant or cordial anymore....maybe its due to the fact that stupidity or whiney ass people have surrounded me for the past 3 days. everywhere i look....there is another mindless person trying to invade my space. for example....im sittin at a table in the cafe...enjoying my veggie omelet and watching the football game that i didnt go to because it was raining and too damn cold....and this man and his wife keep damn staring at me. i gave him the mean mugg...the "what the fuck are u looking at?" look. i know that i look a bit different due to the fro but damn...can i have my damn face back?? at least if you are going to stare...speak or something. then, i go to get a biscuit and there was a group of people in front of me. this chic kept flippin her hair. i think that is sooooo fuckin disgusting...especially when you are around food. shit...be considerate of other people's food. i dont want your damn hair dander in my food bitch!!! you dont see me pickin my hair in the cafe...sendin stray naps flying into people's food....so dammit...keep your hair to yourself. i tell you...the irritablity has come back. people get on my damn nerves. i havent found one person besides myself that i can tolerate for more than a day. a friend of mine shared his good head story with me while i was eating lunch a couple of days ago. smh...why do i want to know how good this chic sucked his penis??? dammit...I DONT. just picturing him and that chic having sex makes me wanna puke. some things ya need to keep to yourself. she talks about giving head and needing a vibrator at the dinner table. ummm....i dont need to know that shit mayn. please feel free to shut the fuck up dammit. ok..that ends my venting session. i told yall...its not easy being me. ok...im officially tired. in a minute...peace and friggin quiet....cream out.

holla holla hollaaaaaaaaa.....i just finished cleaning up my room. the lights are dim....it smells like nag champa and jasmine....my sheets are smellin like lavender....and bilal is serenading me. i wish i had some company coming over...a brown chic with cornrows, locs, or a fro....dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, smellin like black by kenneth cole.....with a bottle of merlot in her hand and something to vibe about. shit....i wish she was comin ova. ohhhhhh...the nasty, freaky things i would do to her. *bitin my fist* well...as you may have noticed...da queen is sexually frustrated. seems like everybody is these days...'cept for hoes. well hell...even hoes are complainin. my conscious doesnt allow me to have sex with people that i dont have feelings for so since i keep comin in contact with sub-par chics and therefore develop no feelings for the heffas....im sittin here alone with a throbbin cooch. im tellin u...when my queen comes in my life...its on and poppin. im talkin bout handcuffs, blindfolds, whips with spiked heels, hair pullin, spankin dat azz type shit. *sigh* i wish she would hurry up and holla at a sista. next....i was looking at some old pics of me and my exes. i looked at most of the pics of my exes like....damn...i cant believe i put so much time and energy in that heffa. out of my 4 exes (yeah mayn...4), i can say that i truly was in love with 2. the other 2 were a mixture of infatuation and lust. anyway....looking at those pics led to memories. memories of what you ask??? take a wild damn guess. lol. some of them put it down.....heffas had me in tears...thats how good it was. *pullin my ears* woooooo saaahhhhhhhhh now...uhhhhhh...not all of them did the damn thing. some were wacker than that damn white tee song. i wonder if they think about the greatness that is my cooch and just the memory of their face all in it...inspires a smile accompanied by a throbbin clit. hmmm...i wonder. i was talking to one of them about 2 days ago and she said she misses it. i bet you dooooooo. im not one to brag but uhhh...i know i got some greatness between my legs. shit...its quality....disease free, smells good, gets all nice and gooshy, tight like a tiger, its not in need of this, and most importantly....its attached to the lovely, talented, intelligent, individual that is cream. oh well....one day ill have some freaky story to tell yall about how me and my girl sexed so much we both lost our voices, pulled muscles, and had so many orgasms that it altered the way we walk. one day. off to the shower....again. in a minute homegirls and homeboys....peace and greatness....cream that needs to cream.....out.

creamella kickabitch......this weekend has been boring. i met some new peeps....thats about it. slowly but surely im drifting away from what i thought was love. there is no doubt in my mind that the feelings i have are those of love but when it comes to hers, im not sure. how can u love someone but disregard their feelings? doesnt make sense to me. my intuition is strong...very strong. its telling me that somethings not right...no matter how i try to shape it or try to make sense of it. when you smell shit....usually...there is shit. so, right now...im chillin...feelin and diggin my damn self. ive come to the conclusion that women just aint ready for me. they are so used to scallywags that they dont know to deal with me....its beyond them. so, ill sit back...chill...continue to reject sub-par chics until i find my queen or my queen finds me...but enjoy myself in the process. next....every since wednesday, my right side has been kickin my ass. its like somebody is punching me in my side. i went to the doctor on thursday *sigh* and that fuckin man didnt tell me shit. he said if it keeps hurting to come back. ummm...how bout fix my shit now...mmmkayyyy. thats why dont like going to doctors....bamas dont know shit. how are you going to test my blood, my piss...push my sides, tell me to touch my toes...cough...all that stupid shit and this bama STILL doesnt know whats wrong with me??? smh. trust...if something ends up being seriously wrong....im gonna consult a lawyer. next....aight...me and Shaydubb Smackabitch have created alter egos. mine is cold blooded creamella kickabitch AKA ice cold creamalicious jones. we smack stupid bitches in a single bound. our goal is to rid the world of demonic bitches. im working on a graphic for our pages so yall can see the craziness that i created. i think of some weird shit sometimes....smh. ummm...what else....i still havent found a job yet. its crazy. im still lookin tho. i have to have money...da queen is expensive. yo...midterms are kickin my ass. instead of studying right now...im doing laundry and writing. i know ill be up all night studying so shit...why not do something that i need to do, plus something that i like to do until i feel like studying??? xavier called me to ask if i had any ?'s about their grad program and if i had gotten the packet they sent. im thinking about going there...seems rather cool. im not sure where i want to go yet. the world is so big and life is so damn short....decisions decisions. aight...thats enough for now. i betta study before i get too sleepy. in a minute.....peace suckas....cold blooded creamella kickabitch....out.

dammit mannnnn......its been a minute...i know. i have been busy doin me...feelin myself as i have been saying. i am slowly evolving into the womyn i want to be. i want to do so much with my life...where to begin?? you only have a limited amount of time on this earth...what will you do with it?? time is of the essence. i want to do have a lot of stories and pictures for my grandchildren. i want to have something for them to be proud of....like, my grandma did the damn thing when she was younger. i dont want to be a wasted being on this earth...doing nothing but existing. its so important to me to LIVE. where to begin???? i dont know...i havent even written down everything. shit, i have barely written here. like i said in the last post...i havent felt like writing. i have been doing more thinking than writing. inner reflection is a helluva sight. i am seeing so much of trials, heartaches, smiles, and happier times that i tend to get teary eyed now and then. i havent told anybody whats really on my mind because really....they're not ready. i dont think they are ready to face my dreams and the reality that i have been shown just by introspection. sometimes i dont think people know im as good as i really am......i was listening to cee-lo aint that line jumped out at me. really, i dont think that people know how much i write and how well i write (when i put forth the effort). i write in this blog, the way that i speak. its not formal....its not grammatically correct....its just me. last year, my writing slacked off because i lost touch with myself in loving someone. i put this on my life....ill never lose touch with myself again. maybe thats why my relationship is a struggle sometimes. im holding on to myself but offering her my hand in the process. its different...fa real. i get so upset with her...but really, my anger comes from my own personal demons that i am dealing with. ok dammit...im tired...in pain...in a minute....peace muddasuckas....cream out.

saving myself......loneliness has found me again, wrapped her arms around me, and has kept me cold most of the day. i find myself not saying too many words but having more thoughts than i can count. i express my deepest feelings in my journal.....im being a little selfish but people dont need to know everything...ill just give them a little taste. speaking of tastes....i have a taste for pizza...a pizza with chicken and a lot of veggies. ive been thinking about going vegetarian again. my body feels....polluted. the only thing is...i have a strange fetish for the mcdonalds dollar menu and chitlins. i havent eaten at mcdonalds since i left her. im not afraid to say that i miss her a little more than i should. im not afraid to say that i am afraid of the feelings that i have for her. being open scares me. right now she is at my mother's house sleeping in my bed and for the first time in 3 weeks, i have felt calmness. i worry about her a lot but now that i know she is safe, im cool. i havent felt the urge to write, mainly because i dont have anything to say. im fine...just dont feel like writing. ill holla when i do. in a minute....peace and salvation.....cream out.

miss exotic.......i feel good....migraine is under control...it doesnt hurt as bad as it did...its tolerable. last night, i couldnt sleep. i just had so much on my mind...so many emotions running through me at 1 time...i couldnt get my mind to be easy for a minute so i could get some shut eye. i called ty at 5 am in tears. like i said, so much was going on at 1 time....i needed to talk to her. we talked until 7:30. our convo isnt entirely finished because i wrote her an e-mail before i talked to her...basically voicing a lot of things that had been on my mind that i wanted to tell her, but i couldnt put into words. im not good at expressing myself verbally....give me a pen and paper and ill express myself beautifully. anyways, i feel a lot better now. when we got off the phone, i finally went to sleep for about 3 hours. i got up, took a shower, and got dressed. we had a job fair here so i had to get dressed up...well not too dressed up but more dressed up than i am normally. i rocked a red and black poncho, black capri's with the cuffs, and black 4 inch slides. i looked damn cute if i say so myself. anyway, i filled out maaad applications. i was filling out one at the bath and body works table and one of the ladies said...."you look like someone". i was like....alrighty then. well, the girl beside me said...."she looks like jill scott." now, i think jill scott is beautiful but i dont look like her. the only things we have in common are our natural hair, our complexion, and our thickness. thats it. so, they go on and on about "my look". one lady said i have an "exotic" look....whateva that means. i look like my damn self. well, my look must have impressed them because i have an interview next week. yaaayyyy me. then, i got a money order from my father. can u believe that shit? surprised the hell out of me. when i called him to tell him about it, he told me that he put another one in the mail. i dont know whats gotten into him...but whateva it is, i like it. its about time he's doing something for me besides getting on my nerves. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

migraine moments.....my head and neck feels like somebody just drop kicked me. for the past couple of days, my head has been killin me. the last time i had migraines like this....i was in connecticut. i was having one almost every week. well, dammit, they're baaaaack. my migraines laugh at tylenol and advil. nothing will make it go away but sleep and when it hurts to close your eyes...its hard to sleep. hopefully, it'll go away soon. next...i was having a conversation with my buddy 2gizzle about being "deep". people automatically assume that just because im a poet or because i have natural hair that im supposed to be "deep" all the time. like everything that comes out of my mouth is supposed to be prolific and have some kind of deep ass meaning or just because certain people inspire me and i am aware of a lot of causes (mumia, assata shakur, the AIDS epidemic in africa, etc) that im just so damn revolutionary and deep. well, sorry to disappoint ya...but uhhhh...it aint that deep. i read a lot, therefore i am aware of a lot. i suggest everyone find a cause or something to believe in. believe in something and dammit know something besides the latest person 50 cent is beefin with. know whats going on around you. knowledge is free....check ya public library. i dont find deep meanings in shit all the time....surface value is cool with me sometimes. i am a poet...but that doesnt mean that i write all the time. i write when i damn feel like it. is all my work prolific....hell no. sometimes i write straight garbage in my opinion...sometimes i write poetry that licks ya mind. depends on the day. what im trying to get at is....just because i believe in something....just because i am a writer that happens to have natural hair....just because i listen to john coltrane and spit at open mic.....doesnt mean that i am not human. im not "deep" all the time and anyone who is....smh....needs a reality check. everything isnt deep. next....my niece just turned 3 years old. it seems like yesterday that she was just a little baby that had funky diapers that made me gag. now she is a big girl....riding her little bike with training wheels, picking out her clothes, ordering her own food...yeah mayn...she's doing all that at 3. when i left home, i knew i was going to miss her more than anything. i miss her yelling for me to hold her hand while she gets her hair done, her playing on my computer, watching boobahs (zing zing zing-bah is my favorite)....i really miss my baby. she makes me want to have a child of my own. most high willing, i will conceive a child after i graduate. next....i talked to my mom today and she said "some girl called for you last night." im like....who in the hell called my mom's house because everybody i talk to, calls one of my cell phones. why in the hell did jonette call me??? just in case yall dont remember....that was the ex after tia. smh. i dont know what possessed her to call me, but im glad my mother didnt give out my number. exes are exes for a reason....not saying you shouldnt have anything to do with your exes...but damn, if they have made it clear that they dont want to have anything to do with you.....keep it movin. im cordial with all of my exes besides her. anyway...my migraine is gettin a little better. im gonna try to catch up on all the sleep ive lost. in a minute....peace....cream out.

she says...dont be.....dont cha just love insomnia??? while everyone that i know is sleeping in their beds...all snuggled up in their blankets and shit...im wide awake posting because i cant sleep. smh. shit, i dont have anything to do tomorrow so i might as well stay up all night so i can sleep all day tomorrow. i need a job ASAP before i lose more than sleep. next....this may be tmi...but this is my blog dammit. i am sexually frustrated. i have the case of the "long distance relationship hornies". i need to be touched....i need her fingers lightly touchin my face when i go to sleep. i miss the way she smells....the way her skin feels....the way she whispers my name and tells me she loves me even when she's sleep....i miss being together. *sigh* next month seems so far away. next...happy 2nd bornday to my blog. i cant believe its been 2 years. ive been through so much in the past 2 years and i have most of it to read here. there have been times when i thought puttin myself out here....letting people get a glimpse of my life and my feelings was a bad idea. the good outweigh the bad tho. writing is my passion and i think my blog reflects that somewhat. spank you very much to everybody that takes the time to read what i have to say *cough* even if yall dont comment *cough*. next...last night i had the pleasure of speaking with artiste. our conversations are....interesting to say the least. i wasnt feeling too hot and she put a lot of things that i was thinking about in perspective. she thinks that she knows me a lot less than what she does. true, we've never met in person but yo...ive been conversing with her for 2 years. she has learned a lot about me in that time. little does she know...she's one of my closest friends. muahhhzzz. next...someone left some fucked up comment about my blog...to them i say, fuck u with a rusty spoon. if ya dont like my blog, dont read it. keep it movin...get on like ya been shit on. i think sleep is callin me....in a minute....peace....cream out.

insomnia.....the time is now 4:53 am....and uhhh...im still awake. i got off the phone with my girl about an hour ago....i had just fallen asleep and i was dreamin about when we were in the park with the peaches and she.....anyway, the fuckin fire alarm went off. damn damn damn damn damn. i got up...reached for my keys and my phone (who the hell am i gonna call at 4 am???) and walked down the 6 flights of stairs on the fire escape. *sigh* it was cold as hell....im outside wearin a hoodie and boy cut shorts....freezin. they didnt let our asses back in until now. from what peeps were sayin...some stupid ass drunk bitch pulled the fire alarm. smh....if i knew which drunk bitch it was (there were about 5 out there)...i woulda kicked her in the damn throat. so now, im sittin here wide the hell awake. NEXT....my girl is back at school...finally. since im on the topic of my girl....miss prototype as i like to call her....im ready to reveal the mystery. everybody that knows me, knows who she is. well, almost everybody. i kept her identity a secret to protect someone's feelings. now, i say fuck it. remember the chic i was chillin with alllllll summer???? she took me to body camp, to the lake with the mutated catfish, held me when i cried, stimulated my mind, took care of me when i was sick as hell....her name is ty. so, now ya know. ya feel special now? anyway, what the hell was i sayin...oh yeah, ty is back at school. she's coming here in october and dammit i cant wait. it feels like its been forever since ive seen her. i guess its because we were always together over the summer....we basically lived together. she would go back to body camp once or twice a week....if that. if someone saw me, they saw her on one side of me and frannie fresh on the other side. we were like the 3 musketeers....lmao. those are my buddies...the chics that i feel the most comfortable around. now, im by my lonely. next...enough about that...i need a damn job. the job search starts today....at 1...cuz i damn sho aint gettin up before then. im going to try to work at the place i was working at last year. if not, i dont know what im going to do but i know ima have a damn job by the end of the month. oh yeah....my blog's 2nd birthday. hit up that wishlist dammit and show da queen some love. ok dammit...i need to attempt to sleep again. i hope my dream picks up where it left off. in a minute....peace homegirls and homeboys....cream of your wet dreams.....out.

cloud 8.5........im sick. i know nobody likes to be sick but dammit.....i despise it. my nose is stopped up and my throat and ribs are sore. i hope i get over this crap soon. i walked to the womyn's health office and they gave me a bag full of cold medicine. today im going to go get some orange juice and some more cold medicine for the next time i get sick...cuz it happens at least twice a year. next....i have been looking at stuff for my business for the past week. im excited as hell to say the least. i have a good feeling about it. there are so many things to do. i am giong to start off with 5 fragrances...3 for womyn and 2 unisex (for the womyn who dont want to smell "girly"). ill post more info on everything as it progresses. next....ive been kinda lonely for the past week. its hard getting used to not seeing my girl almost everyday. im just starting to get used to not sleeping with her. im used to her big head on my breasts and hearing her snoring. she is going back to school for fall semester and then she is transferring here in the spring. im kinda stressed about the whole grad school. i know i want to go but im nervous that i wont get in. pessimistic.....i know. i havent taken the GRE yet.....that bitch costs $115 each time you take it. im trying to take it 1 time....$115 is a lot for a damn test. smh. miss p keeps encouraging me and im glad to have her as my little cheerleader...lol. me and artiste have FINALLY started talking again. i missed her convos....thats my buddy. actually, everybody in my space is rooting for me. thank yall for bein here for me...muahhhzz. i really dont have anything to talk about so im out. in a minute....peace....cream out.

spring summer feeling.......sometimes....i tend to think too much when i write. i start to wonder if people will understand what im sayin/writin. writing is my therapy...its my release. if i didnt write, id probably be closer to insanity. lately, the words have been flowing quite frequently like water that is released from a dam. there have been plenty of times when i have written in my personal journal and not here because i was worried about how certain people would feel about what i said. well, thats done. im going to write what i want and do what i want because i am grown and this is my blog dammit. lol. last night, i sat down and read some freestyles i had written a year ago. if i say so myself....da queen is mad talented. the stuff i have written lately has been kinda crappy. mainly because i havent been focused. ty says i am my worst critic and i totally agree. i have thrown a bunch of stuff away because i thought it wasnt good....others did but i didnt. im constantly tryin to be better because i know i can be. there is always room for improvement. in a way, im a perfectionist. maybe one day, ill post some of the freestyles. next..that jill scott cd is SOOOOOOO tight. its worth every damn dime yo. i cant wait to go get it tomorrow.....along with a new mouse. my shit is so damn raggedy.....smh. next...now that i have left the past where it is....things seem so peaceful. i feel like im me again...sans the bullshit, the tears, the lies....just me. im finally back to me and dammit it feels nice. on to miss prototype....she's like a breath of fresh country air. last night, we stayed on the phone until 3 am....til we heard each other snorin. conversations flow...they come so easy yo. nothing is forced. its beautiful....to say the least. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

phoenix.....everyday is a struggle....a struggle to maintain my grades so i can graduate in may, a struggle to find a job so i can pay my bills, a struggle not to let my past effect my future, a struggle not to strongly dislike certain peeps from the marrow in my bones.....yall get the picture. today, my obstacle was not letting her upset me. after we talk on the phone or on the computer....i leave the situation upset. i called my best friend tia to vent. i feel soooo much better. i can always call her and i know that she will be there to listen. thats my dawg. anyway...i think the reason why she makes me so angry is because i feel dumb for allowing her to hurt me like she did. i put soooo much into the relationship and she fucked me over. the fact is now i am in a new relationship with the most beautiful womyn i have ever met. miss p is so damn good to me and i need to focus on her and leave the past in the past. its a struggle tho. i have decided to cut some shit that i cant untie. no more....for my sanity and for my future....no more. i have let it burn and now....i have risen from the ashes like a phoenix. i dont wish anything bad on her....but i do know that karma is a bitch and it avenges all wrong. oh....my business idea is still on....just without her. maybe it was meant for me to do it by my gotdamn self *insert ying yang twins voice*. im determined to make it. next....my big brova rocky is going through a similar situation. when she was talking to me, it was like i was talking to myself. i hate to see any of my friends hurt....really there are only a few people that i can stand to see or hear about hurting and those people yo.....i wouldnt piss in their mouths if their hearts were on fire. fuck them with a rusty, anthrax covered machete. i know i sound a bit hostile....but i needed to get that out. *back to the calm, cool, and collected cream* next....the new layout. it was created in less than 20 minutes. i was listening to "if i was a bird" by floetry and it just happened. i actually like this layout more than i have liked the past 3. aight mayn...im going to take a shower and meditate. i need to shake this negative energy off of me. in a minute....peace.....cream out.

serenity.......im back at school. damn yo...this is it....the last year i have to go through this shit. the last time i will leave home to go to wv and leave behind all that is familiar. i rode with miss p here. the whole time we talked about us. i had a good time this summer...even tho i was broke 85% of the time. she has been so good to me since we have been together. before we were official, we had a minor conflict. thats in the past tho. we both have our faults but i believe in her....i believe that she is good for me and im good for her. plus, i know she believes in me and my dreams. oh yeah....i finally got my refund check. its like it doesnt mean shit because she's not here. when people say that money doesnt equal happiness, its the damn truth. everybody has their hands out except her. she has never asked me for anything except for my heart. off topic as hell but....i wish it would rain. it is hotter than a demon pussy in here. thats one thing i will not miss about this school thing. i need ac dammit. now, back to the topic. miss p has decided to go back to school and transfer here in january. so, there has been a change of plans. im cool with it because ill actually have more time to spend with her next semester. this semester is going to be kinda hard. next semester, i only need 2 classes so ill be takin those plus some bullshit to boost my gpa. enough about all that crap....i have been working on my business!!! my partner has been frustrating the fuck out of me. i feel like im doing all the preparing and she isnt doin shit. i know its going to take time but damn yo.....im ready. this shit has been nothing but talk for the past 6 months. im ready to make it happen...fuck talkin. oh yeah....the new layout should be out soon. ive been so damn busy with classes and gettin everything together for school so i havent had time to do shit that i want to do (especially post). i feel myself not talkin about shit so im out. in a minute......peace....cream is soooo damn hot......out.

from a distance..........i havent laughed as much as i laughed last night in a long time. me, miss p, and frannie fresh went to glen allen (right outside of richmond) last night for miss p’s friend’s birthday get together. the ride was cool as hell....it took about 3 hours but we geeked the whole damn way. we are like the 3 stooges. anyway, when we got there, everybody was drunk as hell. they were a trip. me and frannie didnt drink but miss p did. i had on my black coach hat with the purse to match, a black low cut shirt, dark blue capris, and black flip-flops with 4 inch heels. *fannin myself*.....i was cute if i say so myself. the hat was cocked to the side like a pimp. when i stepped in the room, all eyes were on me. it felt good to stunt a little. enough about my cute ass (lmao).....miss p was drunk as hell. she sat on my lap and kept whispering shit to me. this dude named stephon was all in our faces because he had never seen 2 females kiss. we were the only lesbians in the room until the shit was almost over. everytime i kissed her......i would laugh because he was literally all in our damn faces. people were fuckin in the bathroom...smh. it was cool until this wack nigga named jon started talkin about shootin up the room because this girl got smart with him after he threw a shirt in her face. petty negroes...smh. miss p’s friend ti-ti started cryin and shit. it was crazy. after that crazy mofo left, it was cool. there was a girl there that was 5 months pregnant. i rubbed her belly and she said “you know thats bad luck.....you’ll get pregnant if you rub a pregnant woman’s belly.” miss p was laughin. i hope that luck rubs off on me tho. we finally left at about 2 am...when miss p was sober enough to drive. the ride home was peaceful, to say the least. i stayed up the whole way to make sure she wasnt fuckin up when she was drivin. if she had....i would have driven. frannie was sleep in the back sleep after about an hour and me and miss p talked the whole way back. she decided that she wants to move with me. that blew my mind because i honestly thought she was goin to stay here BUT once again, she has proven me wrong. when i get back to school, i have to find an apartment and a job ASAP. i have had my eye on some apartments across the street from where i used to work (hopefully ill be workin there again this year). while im doing that, she’s going to be here, working, saving her money. the week before we sign the lease and everything, she’ll come up and find a job. im tellin you....there are a million and one places to work there. its nothin like va. after all that, she’ll pack up her shit and move to wv. we discussed her decision in depth this morning. she gave me a lot of reasons why she doesnt want to go back to her school or stay here. her school isnt for her for various reasons so we’re going to try to get her transferred to my school by january. there is nothin in body camp that is positive. i think the move will be good for both of us. i am excited and scared at the same time. we have basically lived together here. out of the 7 days of the week....she stays at home for 2 days at the most. we’ve both basically lived on our own because our families dont help us so its not like paying bills and shit is brand new to us. i cant wait until everything is settled amd we are livin in our own shit. btw....i will be having a house warming party when we move in. ill touch on that when we finally move. next.....before we left yesterday, i was thinking (as always). i think its safer for me to love a couple of people in my life, from a distance....especially 1 person in particular. i continue to give her a first class seat in my life when she really need to be in coach. i have tried and tried to be civil because we were close as hell at one point. thats where my loyalty comes in.....one i am down for you, i am down for you until you fuck up. she doesnt appreciate her position and doesnt know how to reciprocate positivity. it has started to make me feel a bit resentful because regardless of what was giong on with me, i was always there for her....always there to listen. if she needed something and i had it, it was hers. i feel like she turned her back on me and thats a violation of the loyalty code. so, instead of giving my time, energy, attention, and positivity repeatedly to someone who abuses it or wont reciprocate it, ive decided that i will love her from a distance. im not cutting her off.....im going to step back from the situation for a while. next....one week until i go back to school. i am not excited at all. the only idea i am excited about is the fact that i am moving into my first apartment. other than that, school is school....blah at its finest. im just waiting on graduation day. this whole week i will be packing the little stuff that i am taking back to school. this time around ive decided to pack light. thats less stuff ill have to move out. aight....im going back to bed. its cloudy as hell.....perfect sleeping weather. in a minute.......peace......cream.....out.

2nd thought.......since i have been home i have been writing in word and then posting it in blogger. earlier today, i wrote an entry and it wasnt positive at all. i wrote about the people that i cut off in some shape, form, or fashion. to put it lightly, it was harsh.....i was talking about rusty, anthrax covered, forks and callin people demonic snakelike cunts. mean huh? after meditating for the first time in about 2 weeks, i decided to write. where to begin.......miss p. we have been cool so far. i have exposed a lot of things about myself that i know i need to work on. the first being the fact that i am scared of being hurt again. i cant let that fear consume me. i am facing it instead of denying the fact that i am scared. we talk almost every night about it. the fear of being hurt has put me in a constant state of “analysis paralysis”.....until now. a part of allowing myself to love her is to let go of this fear. i have a lot of emotional barriers up.....im not going to front. slowly....ill let them down. it feels so different to be courted. she opens doors....she pulls our chairs...she moves me. 2 nights ago, we were laying in my bed talking with all the lights out. for some reason, i reveal things about myself at night when she is holding me. when she holds me, i feel so safe but so damn vulnerable at the same time. she is going to tell me what she is going to do regarding either staying here, going back to school, or coming with me...sometime tomorrow. im going to be supportive no matter what her decision is but i am going to miss her a lot if she decides to either stay here or go back to school. the idea of establishing ourselves by ourselves, moves me. everything in its time tho. if the most high sees fit, it will happen. ok...on to the cutting off people situation. first of all, i am very cautious about who i allow in my space. people are grimey...thats a fact of life. i didnt say all people....i have interacted with some beautiful people and i have interacted with some grimey people. all i did was evaluate the so-called friendships that i had with the people that i cut off. they were like ticks....sucking the positive energy from me. if i felt like conversing with them was a task or interacting with them was like pulling teeth, i cut them off. no need faking that i wanted those people in my space when i didnt. all of my friends are different. actually, they are even from different parts of the country. they all bring a unique energy to my mental table. i learn from all of them and i hope they learn from me. if i have never said it.....im saying that i love all of you dearly. thank you for being you. next...i might be going to richmond tomorrow. i hope i do because i need a change of scenery. anyway...thats enough for now. in a minute.....cream, the virginia belle.....out.

soul assurance............i’m in a negative mood.....very negative....like the next muhfucka that irritates me is gonna get cussed the fuck out. maybe because its hot.....hotter than the devil’s draws outside. hot weather pisses me off. i’m a winter baby....there is nothing like bunnin in the winter. moving on.....i have 2 weeks until i go back to school. i’m not really excited this time. it’s my last year....but i actually had fun this summer. i might be getting my own apartment...depends on a few things. i really want to have my own place but if miss prototype isnt comin, ill tough it out until i graduate. next.....sharks. i guess since its summertime and the weather is warm....sharks are out. i dont know how many damn times i have said that gettin bit bothers the fuck out of me....but im sayin it again dammit. people that lack individuality bother me. i see the shit everyday.....from the way i dress to the way i talk. damn shame. someone had the nerve to say “cream, you’re weird.” nah dammit, everybody else is weird, im cool. i do me and only me constantly. its cream everyday. its not cool to be like everyone else. its not cool to take someone’s ideas, style, etc. and perp like its your own. just like i do me, you should do you. it freaks me the fuck out to see someone blatantly bite the fuck out of me.....like im not gonna notice. whateverrrrrrr....fuck you and the cooch you came from. i see you tryin to do me....uhhhh huh.....i see ya bitch.....with a chunk of my ass in ya mouth. real recognize real so.....bite bitch bite. ill continue shinin and son’n yall asses. moving on.....im focused on this business idea. i have so many plans for it....so much shit that i want to do and make. i was talking to miss prototype (miss p) last night about kids. right now, my business is my baby. after i get everything together with my business, im having a baby. i know i have wrote about having kids for a long time but yo....ive have never been so serious about it until now. in the next 2 years, im birthing a child, a business, and a career. miss p is really excited about it. thats one of the many things i like about her. we dream together and we are working to make those dreams come true. we sat in her car during a thunderstorm on sunday (it was pouring down raining) and we talked about everything from our dreams to our hesitation to open our hearts to each other. that was one of the best conversations we have had. ive come to the conclusion that me holding on to everything that happened in the past, especially me being hurt, is going to keep me from happiness. i refuse to be unhappy. fuck that. i deserve happiness. so, im doing my best to let all that negative shit go. its time for me to be happy. aight thats enough for now.....in a minute.....cream the womyn, the myth, the legendary individual......out.

a little deeper........uhhh ohhhh....i updated 3 times in 1 month....get it cream. damn...where to begin. i worked for 1 fuggin night and then i got called last friday to work 3-11, friday and saturday. damn temp agencies. it was easy as hell. i think i worked for an hour and sat on my ass and did nothing for 7 hours. i call the damn temp agency every freakin day hoping that they will give a chic a damn job for about a month. the supervisor asked me to work on monday and i have been workin every since.....so i hope this will be a regular thing. i hate being broke. i cant do the things i need to do because da queen has no money. when you are broke, you see who is really down fo yo ass and who is just straight bullshittin. “ohhh, i love you cream.” well, if you love cream, help a chic out. pay my damn cell phone bill. my celly is off. payin that bill would show me some love. shit. i see who my damn friends are. bullshitas beware.....you have been dismissed. next....i miss being online. im online occasionally to update my blog or to check my e-mail but i havent chatted in a while. i deleted my blackplanet page a while ago. im thinking about gettin another one....just to laugh at the peeps in chat. bp is like the club i go to, i only go to laugh. people amuse me. most of the time, they dont mean to. i watch people closely. i observe their mannerisms and such. you can tell more about a person by watching them when they speak than by just listening to what they say. next....i talked to artiste a couple of nights ago. she makes me laugh. im going to have to read up on dali so i can vibe with her about his art. thats her favorite artist. nobody comes close to him according to her. i think he’s aight. maybe because i really dont look at his work close enough. my artistic side is coming back. i have been playing in photoshop....experimenting....trying to make a new layout. ripway deleted the pic...ol’ bitches. i was tired of seein alek anyway. so, look out for a new layout in the next couple of weeks. next....my prototype. she is trying real hard to warm my heart back up. i admit, i have been real cold lately. my attitude towards womyn stinks like boo boo booooooo. me and her have talked about the break-up and how i feel. she listens and when i pause, she comments. its different than what i am used to. we went to the club last night and this dom was staring me down. im talkin about all in my damn grill. she wasnt ugly so i didnt give her the “what the fuck are u in my face for?" i wanted to see what miss prototype would do. i was sitting on a stool and she was standing behind me. i know she and the dom made eye contact because she stayed close to me the whole night. later on, she told me that she saw the dom looking at me like she wanted to say something but the dom knew better than to approach me. we danced a couple of times but dammit, i cant dance to techno. they played “yeah” by usher with a techno beat. i got up and then sat my ass right back down. overall, i had fun. we might go out this saturday. i really want to go to the club in north carolina....i need to shake my ass to some rap or r&b. anywhoo....that is enough for now. in a minute......peace......ice cream lafoxx.....out.

welcome to body camp.......on friday, me and ty went everywhere. she took me to her part of va...a place called body camp. its out in the country and the name made me think twice about going but yo....it is beautiful. the air smells so fresh and there are trees and big open fields everywhere. fields that you would want to take your clothes off and run across. if you did, trust, no one would see you. we were riding and i saw this farm and it appeared that it was a baby calf in the yard. i havent seen a damn calf before so thats what i assumed it was. well....it was a damn goat. ty laughed at my ass for about 15 minutes. i am a city girl with country tendencies.....the last time i saw a goat, it was covered in curry, on a plate with some rice. after she laughed at me, we went to the lake. they have a little marina where you can eat and rent boats and jet skis. we are broke as hell, so we just went down on the pier. mayn.....i saw the biggest damn catfish i have ever seen in my life. they were about the length of my arm. they had to weigh about 25 pounds each. i call them the mutated catfish. we were plotting ways that we could catch one and bring it home to fry it up (country and ghetto tendencies at work). the marina is sooo pretty. we are going back before i go back to school so i can take pictures of it. im going to have to scan all the pics i have taken and create a photo album. that would be cool. anyway, i had a lot of fun on friday. i went places i had never seen in va. plus, the conversation while we were riding was beautiful. one of those conversations that makes you smile when you think about it. nothing deep, just 2 people vibing about shit that moves them. saturday, was boring as hell. i sat on the porch and wrote while i was listening to the rain. slowly but surely im writing. in my opinion, i have written some garbage. mainly because i havent exercised my skills. its like a person who goes to the gym all the time and then they stop going for about a year. when they decide to go back, the workout wont come as easy as it did when they worked out on the regular. artiste told me “you’re a writer....so write.” i do....just not here. lately, my blog writing has closed up a bit. meaning, im not as open as i used to be. mianly because of the fact that i didnt want to write about my past relationship. there is a lot of pain and bitterness that i need to get out. regardless of my feelings towards her, i respect her feelings. i would never say anything or write anything that i know would hurt her.
i was looking at some pics of myself from almost a year ago. how i look now and how i looked then are totally different. its like im looking at a stranger. back then, there was no doubt in my mind that i was getting married and in may 2005, i would be living in connecticut. i believed that things would get better between me and woo and we would be together until one of us left this earth. i believed that she loved me as much, if not more, than i love myself. i actually believed that i had the love and support that i needed to do anything i wanted to do. was i wrong? i believe so. im taking it as a learning experience tho. there are a lot of things that i did that i wont do again. i wont let someone in my heart so easily. i have so many walls to protect my heart. i have to protect my heart....i have been hurt twice. im not saying it wont happen again.....its going to take a whole lot for a womyn to get next to my heart to hurt me. she’s going to have to go through lions, tigers, and bears, fields of hot coals, a lake filled with mutated catfish and sting rays, 50 deebo looking guards, and about 45 walls that are taller than sears tower before she will get a glimpse of it. trust that shit. my “prototype” is going to have it hard as hell. ill talk more about her one day......she knows who she is. thats enough for now.....im being invited to go listen to the storm. in a minute.....peace.....cream out.

big bizness........i know i have been on some other shit...updating once a month and shit but dammit...da queen is busy. plus, dial up sucks monkey's scrotum. i hate aol with a passion...maybe because im really not patient and it kicks me off 5011 times everytime im trying to do something. fuck dial up with a rusty fork. anyway, im still jobless. it pisses me off to the nth degree because i am willing to work, willing to do what the fuck i gotta do to make some damn money and its like nobody will give me a chance. i got bills to pay bitch!!!! me, fresh (my little sis), and ty went all over looking for damn jobs. we filled out soooo much shit it was ri-gotdamn-diculous. we went through all that shit and none of us have jobs. damn shame. the temp agency called ty last night to work from 11-7. so her stankin ass will have some money next week. well...no she wont. she gotta pay the rest of her speeding ticket so she will be broke like me. next...i bleached my hair blonde. why...because i was bored as hell. the fro is gettin big yall. i cant wait until it gets huge. next...i have been reading a lot of people's blogs recently. it seems like everybody is havin relationship issues. well....i got 99 problems but....yall know the rest. im happy right now. im getting back to me, as artiste would say. at the same time, im chillin. ive been inspired to write, giggle like im 6 years old, and to be open. by being open, i mean, i can be myself...say what i feel, do what i feel, without someone knockin me or judging me for it. from october to june, i felt like i wasnt being true to myself. i wasnt me. i didnt feel as free as i do now. the people around me have a lot to do with it. if you dont have negative energy coming at you constantly, you have a chance to produce positive energy and do positive things. ive been writing my business proposals. i have 2 business ideas. yall will be seeing them real soon. i keep telling peeps.....im gonna be a wealthy woman before im 25. my dreams are going to be reality.....with equal amounts of faith and effort. just watch me. art is callin......in a minute ( shorter than a month).....peace and blessings.....cream, inc. out.

slow motion.......i know i know.....its been a minute. i have been working and doing me, as always. when i am at work i think of all the things that i want to write about but when i come home....its a whole different story. i was working through a temp agency so my job ended. am I upset??? a little...but i know i gotta get another job soon. until i do....im handlin my bizness bitch. speaking of bitch, i say that word a lot now. everything, including some people, is a bitch. i dont know where it came from but bitch flows off my tongue like hello or goodbye. so, if i call you a bitch, dont get offended. if i put an adjective in front of bitch, be offended and be very afraid. next....last saturday, i went to harrisonburg to eat at chillis. yes, da queen likes chillis so much that she would travel 2 hours just to eat there. besides chuck’s seafood, chillis is my favorite spot. anyway, i enjoyed the ride as much i enjoyed my chicken philly and onion blossoms. the conversation was easy....effortless. it just flowed. i opened up a little without having to explain myself constantly. i didnt feel like what i said would be thrown in my face in an argument or repeated to someone else. there werent any confused looks thrown my way. i felt so.....relaxed. next....my 4th was aight. we had soooo much food. it was all gravy and sprinkles until it started raining. not a light rain, a heavy, soakin all ya clothes, rain. i was the only one outside getting ribs off of the grill in the rain. i love my natural....shit i can play in the rain if i want to. WHAAAAAAT!! lol. me and ty went to the fair and her car broke down. we were stuck in the middle of traffic. 2 policemen pushed us out of the street and about 20 minutes later, her car started. aint that a bitch? we came back to my house and drank puerto rican rum and 99 bananas. i was fuuuuuucked up. next...i called artiste and we talked for a little minute. i had company so i couldnt talk long. it is so nice talking to my friends again. i have neglected yall....i apologize. yall know what happened and trust, it wont happen again. i have learned my lesson. anyway, i copped some books from the bookstore. yo...donald goines books are the bomb. yall know im into the 60’s and 70’s anyway....but yo, i read his book called “whoreson”. that shit was so damn tight. i have to get some more. i need to add some of his books to my wishlist. thats enough for now...this post is boring as hell. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

sparrow.....i know its been a long time since i updated, but sooo much has been going on. the queen has been busy. my job sucks donkey's nuts. the people that work there suck too. they are racist as hell...the type of people that are racist but they try everything in their power to hide that shit because they are at work. i see right through their asses. i have a funny feeling that before the month is over, somebody is going to receive a verbal lashing from me. i’m really not happy there. i’m on my feet for 9 hours a day, making and packing speakers. it sucks for real. i got my first check last friday and most of it is gone. damn shame but its true. i had to buy groceries because there wasnt any damn food up in this bitch. ty took me to the store and we tripped the whole time. this man was flirting hard as hell. ty said he was looking down my shirt. i had on a low cut shirt and my melons were looking right so i guess thats why. this mofo followed us down 3 isles because i was in the cookie isle looking for my niece some cookies. this bama tried to have a convo about cookies. smh. ty was leaning on the cart laughing....wit her bama ass. she said he winked at me a couple of times....*gaggin*. next...i went to the club on saturday. yo...i pay $7 to sit and laugh at the rhythmless people dancing. all i do is sit at the bar or on the stage and laugh. i may dance a little, but they play techno music so i cant do too much. shit, if i cant clap my booty to it, im not moved. *joke* i saw chay in the club. i was dancing and i felt somebody slap my thigh. i turned around like wtf cuz somebody was about to get cussed out. ty pointed to the left cuz chay had already walked off. she told me that she has a crush on me and has had a crush on me for a while. when she told me i was like................where the fuck was i when you had a crush on me? im on the short bus sometimes. if a mofo doesnt tell me that they like me, i dont assume shit. anyway, me and woo just broke up about 3 weeks ago. im single and not looking. plus, i wouldnt mess up our friendship like that. i value our friendship a lot. i cant go from looking at her like my big brova to my girl. that wouldnt work. next...back to me and woo breaking up. yes ladies and gents, we broke up. a lot has happened in the past year that built up to this.....a lot of tears, anger, arguments, and hurt feelings. i still love her but im not in love with her. she hurt me a lot in the past year and before we think about getting back together, i need to see if i can get past the hurt. its like im sitting at a stop sign in park. i need to decide if i should move forward or turn left or right. and like forrest gump says....thats all i have to say about that.will we get back together??? maybe. i dont know but i do know that if we do, it wont be anytime soon. i need time to see what i want and where i want to be. aight, thats enough for one damn day. leave a comment and let me know whats on your mind. in a minute....peace.....cream......out.

TMI.....this is probably tmi but dammit this is my blog and ill do what i want. now...i am horny as hell. maybe is because i have been feeling myself (not literally dammit) a lot more. ive been doing little shit that i havent done in a while like putting on makeup and shit. when i put lipgloss on and dress girly....yall should see the mofos who look at da kid and lick their lips. im damn sexy. i know i have my flaws but yo...life is entirely too short and time is too precious to stress about them. yo...i didnt know so many damn men and women prefer big girls. fuck yall skinny bitches!!! maybe i didnt realize uit because i didnt have the confidence that i do now. honestly, i dont know where in the hell it came from. i just woke up one morning and was like damn homegirl...you are sexy as hell. i guess being around positive people has a lot to do with it. next...i considering dying my hair again. its damn near summer and the dark hair has to go. the only issue is, now that im natural, i have to worry about the damage it might cause. when i was perming my hair, i didnt care because it was already damaged. i know that i have a head full of healthy, natural hair and i dont want to fuck that up. ill let it marinate a little more...the dye will be there. next...finally..after months and months...i saw my buddy nisha. i know i have talked about her before. check the damn archives. anyway, we couldnt really talk like we wanted to because ty was there. when there is a dom present, conversations are a lot different between femmes. we might all go somewhere tonight...im not sure. depends on how my friggin throat feels. nisha kept laughing at me everytime i swollowed because it was like i was putting so much effort into it. that shit hurts so bad. just imagine trying to swollow while someone is strangling you. thats how it feels. like i said...i would only wish this shit on my worst enemy. woo made a good point..me sleeping in an air conditioned house probably has a lot to do with me being sick. i dont have ac in the dorm...cheap fuckas. ill get someone tall to close my vent...my short ass cant reach it even if i stand on the bed. aight shit..this is gettin boring. in a minute....peace....cream that hasnt creamed in 3 months....out.

welcome to da noke......im finally home...actually, ive been home for about 3 weeks now. it hasnt gotten on my nerves until now. well...first of all, da kid is sick. i dont know who gave me this god forsaken germ but i wish i could give it back to them 100 times along with a kick in the ass. i havent eaten anything in 2 days. my throat feels like somebody is choking me and my nose is stopped up so i cant taste or smell anything. it sucks monkey ass. next...thanks to everyone who called or sent an e-mail to check to see if i was aight. im cool now. i was so fuckin stressed out with my relationship with woo, school, bills, me not having a job when i got back home....i thought i was losing my mind. it took me coming home, getting more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day, having my niece wake me up every morning, and chilling with my fam to get me right. my fam gets on my nerves...they do some foul shit sometimes, but they are my blood. i luh dem niccas. next...me and chay went to the club last saturday. we met ty there. i have talked to ty for about a year and im just now meeting her in person. smh...me and my anti-social ass. anyway....we had fun. i didnt drink *gold star for cream* but i did talk about peeps. i couldnt help it yo. this dude sat across from me, chay, and ty and tried to holla at me. ok...i could understand if we were at a straight club. we are at a gay club.....he knew that shit when he came there. so why in the hell would he think that my ass would be interested in his ashy tyrone biggums looking ass. hell to da nah. absolutely not. im a lesbian homeboy....i probably like coochie more than you do. i want to go out this saturday if i can scrape up some money. next week is all about finding a job....da kid is flat broke and got a damn cell phone bill. somebody send me $60. yeah rrrright. but fo real....help a broke sista out. aight...this medicine is makin me sleepy. its been real....in a minute...peace...cream out.

what once was.....is no more....and neither am i.

insomnia.......its getting late...nah fuck that....it is late...and my ass cant sleep. i have sooo much on my mind right now...i was inspired to write. well, 1 week of school left. next week, i take exams and then im out. im not sure how i feel about that. there are some things going on at home that i dont know if i will be able to deal with. plus, im used to having my own space. i like walking around my room naked and making as much noise as i want. oh well....next may i will be making plans to move into my own apartment and start my career. *cheesin* i dont know what im going to do, as far as my career is concerned. i just want to be able to go to work happy and make enough money not to live paycheck to paycheck. thats not too much to ask. of course, like i said in my last post, i want to be happy. truly happy...nothing like i am right now. at the present, im not happy with my situation. i know i talk about school a lot but peeps have no idea how stressful it is. to top that off, im going through some personal things with myself....like donell jones said, i just need time to see where i wanna be...cuz right now, dammit, i dont know. im in a state of confusion. i walk around with a million and one things on my mind. decisions, decisions.

time after time......im writing between coughing fits, blowing my nose, and scratching my eyes. its funny how you dont think about how you treat your body until you get sick. last weekend, i had a fever and felt like shit. i woke up with sweat pouring off of me even tho i was freezin. i laid in my bed and thought about much i mistreat my body. i dont work out to keep it strong. i dont eat right. i dont give it enough rest. hmmm...i wonder why i keep getting sick. i have decided to treat much better than what i have been. shit...its the only body that im going to have. next...ive been thinking about the past year a lot. i feel a lot different than i felt last year....so much has happened to influence my feelings at the present. i want so much for myself....but what i want and i need dont always meet. thats the theme of this school year. last year around this time i was so damn amped because i was spending most of my summer with woo. little did i know that the time i spent there would change so much. i got to see her in a different light. this summer, i dont know what im going to do..... my main goals this summer are to enjoy myself and get all the things i need. i want to put a new hard drive in my computer. i want to teach my niece to swim. yo....i want to do a lot of shit. most of all, i want to be happy. i know no one wants to be unhappy. im sayin i want to be happy because i have spent a lot of time being unhappy. its time for me to smile. aight....i gotta get some homework done. in a minute....peace...cream out.

Questions.......a friend of mine e-mailed me these questions.....

1. Your name spelled backwards. Maerc.

2. Where were your parents born? Roanoke, VA and Mo Bay, St. James, Jamaica.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Some pics.

4. What's your favorite restaurant? Chuck’s Seafood.

5. Last time you swam in a pool? Summer '02.

6. Have you ever been in a school play? Nope.

7. How many kids do you want? Maybe 1….maybe none.

8. Type of music you dislike most? Whining ass country.

9. Are you registered to vote? Yep.

10. Do you have cable? Yep.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? Yep.

12. Ever prank call anybody? LMAO….hell yeah.

13. Ever get a parking ticket? No.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Yeah, why not?

15. Furthest place you ever traveled? Boston, Mass.

16. Do you have a garden? Nope.

17. What's your favorite comic strip? Boondocks.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yeah, unfortunately.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower in the morning, bath at night.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? The Passion of the Christ.

21. Favorite pizza topping? Extra cheese.

22. Chips or popcorn? Chips….popcorn makes me wanna puke.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? Black Cherry.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? WTF?? Hell nah.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Nope.

26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange juice.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? My mother and we went to a Chinese food buffet.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar? Twix.

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? 2000.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last summer.

31. Have you ever won a trophy? Yep.

32. Are you a good cook? Yep.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yep.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Hell nah.

35. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Yeah, I worked at the movies.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Allergy medicine.

38. Ever throw up in public? Nope.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? Hmmmm.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah.

41. Ever call a 1-900 number? Yeah…MC Hammer’s 900 number when I was about 7. I wanted to know who pulled the plug on MC Hammer. LMAO.

42. Can exes be friends? Sometimes….depends on the day.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My girl’s daughter.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? Nope.

45. What message is on your answering machine? "Hello….this is Maliyah…Call Creamy back…I love you….Thats my grandma…That’s my Creamy…..Bye.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? Mango.

47. What was the name of your first pet? Shanka Pooh

48. What is in your purse? Orbitz gum, lip gloss, allergy medicine, my ID, and my cell phone.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Write.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? I woke up this morning.

all falls down......a new layout....same blog. decided to keep my baby. there is no more tagboard either. you can leave a comment at the end of each post. leave ya mark. alrighty....today at work....i was in a pissy ass mood. i didnt get a lot of sleep. everybody that knows me knows that i require at least 8 hours of sleep to be in a good mood. sleep is one of my best friends. anyway, my allergies were bothering me so i was sneezing and scratching my eyes all morning. then, the people got on my damn nerves. callin me with damn attitudes. if i hear "let me speak to your supervisor" one more damn time....ima scream. first of all, they arent even supervisors. supervisors dont take phonecalls. they are people that just walk around and take phonecalls when people are irate or when they ask to speak to a supervisor. 9 times out of 10, the same shit that i told them, is what its gonna be. if i say no, the "sup" is gonna say no. people like me like when you ask to speak to a sup.....i can go get me a soda and chill while you bitch and whine to the "sup" and you still aint gettin shit. how ya love that? lmao.....fyi...dont get netzero, juno, or bluelight if i aint told you already. next....i finally cut my permed ends off of my hair....just in case i forgot to write about it. da kid has a little fro. its weird cuz i finally see my hair natural hair color. its brown with hints of a rust color in it. its kinda cute but i know i will dye it again eventually. im anxious for my fro to grow. its grown about a half of an inch in less than a month so by the end of the summer, my fro should be a nice length. im aiming for an angela davis type fro. next....my mother is coming here next week to take half of my shit home. i cant wait to get the fuck out of this hell hole masked as a school. i graduate next may because of 1 fuckin class. pissy....i know. everything happens for a reason. im gonna go with the flow and TRUST next may....cream will have her damn degree. now, what i will do after that....im not sure. i just want to work, be happy at work, and make enough money to take care of myself and these damn loans that i am going to have to pay back. i want to go to grad school eventually....shit, i might get another bachelors degree. neva know. ok...im sleepy as hell now. in a minute.....peace.....cream out.

5th avenue.......dressed in pink, 2 ponytails on my daddy's lap...holding a needle in one hand, me in the other....at the table with my granddaddy eatin fruit....i love you...ashes to ashes, dust to dust, cancer ate my soul...tainted...back seats of cars, bars with long silver poles....you like that bitch...hands around my neck, tears, makeup gone, bruises exposed, innocence lost.....he loved me...i wont hurt you...trust me...trust me....spring baby...3 years...what's my name bitch...same name....circus clown...4 women...juggling...spreading his seed.....and my legs....trust me baby....you aint shit.....timberlands on my face...you deserve this bitch...salads and laxatives...slim aspirations...fat reality...such a pretty face...stained sheets, crying womb with crimson tears...no babies...dyke...broken hearted...eyes red...street lights...you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...i cant take this...stupid bitch...peace...of...mind...please help....just jump bitch....care..less...you know i love you...love dont love me...negativity...5th avenue never looked so lovely. (c) creambaby.

au natural......im baaaack. i needed a couple of weeks of reflection. da kid is cool now. damn, where do i start.....im in the process of creating a new blog.....i need something fresh and new. it should be up by next week. between working and going to class....i barely have time. next....i FINALLY cut off my permed ends. i was 100% natural on march 22nd. it feels so damn good. i feel different. all the black women that attend my school are weaved up or permed up. i stick out like a sore thumb. im glad im different. this week is gay pride week here. *cheesin* i missed it last year but this year.....ohhhhh boy!!!! i cant wait. im going to a drag show on thursday with diallo. im going to check to see what else is going on this week. next...my spring break was cool. my niece has grown up soooo much. i had a nice time with my fam. they are cool peeps when they want to be. anyway, i gotta take my ass to work. look out for the new blog. in a minute....peace....cream out.

let it burn......ive decided to go on a little hiatus....from everything, including this blog. i just need some time to reevaluate some situations in my life. a lot was brought to my attention this morning and i need some time to think about all thats going on. mi soon come.....in a minute.....peace....cream out.

lime green with no seeds.......friday, i did something real damn stupid. i got upset, let my emotions get the best of me, and i got drunk. i was upset, hurt, and frustrated all at the same time. i know...it was dumb as hell...how is drinking going to make me feel any better?? it damn sure didnt...i dont know what happened but i was throwing up from 2am saturday morning until 2pm saturday afternoon. i have drank a lot more than i did on friday many times and that shit never happened to me. i couldnt keep anything down. i even threw up water. gross huh? i felt like shit all damn day....all because i let my emotions get the best of me. i learned my lesson, trust. from now on, when something is bothering me....ill just crochet or something. shit....being upset and emotional gave me the bright ideas to start smoking and get drunk. i have made a vow to myself not to do either one again. all i do is end up hurting myself...and what does that solve? not a damn thing. shit ends up being more fucked up than when i got upset. smh...anyway. i have done a lot of thinking and evaluating this weekend. the only conclusion i have come up with is....i cant go on this way. i cant keep doing what i am doing cuz im just going to keep getting what i have been getting......which is nothing but negativity.....negative thoughts, vibes, and emotions. ill build more on that later....im going for a walk. in a minute......peace.....cream out.

spirits.......frustration, anger, and paul masson is a helluva combo. ill update tomorrow....most high willing. in a minute...cream out.

its a celebration bitches.......ya like the new layout??? it took me a minute to change up but it happened....finally. i wasnt really feeling the last one....it was too...i dont know. anyway, life has been cool. my valentine's day was a bit lonely, but i was used to it. its not like i have been with (physically) anybody on valentine's day in a longgggg time. i chilled in my room, drank some paul masson, and watched tv. woo sent me flowers and a naughty kit that smelled sooo damn good. im going to save the body dust and the kissing oil for our next visit. *thinking naughty thoughts* next....i cut 2 inches of my hair last night. it felt really good. thats 2 inches closer to the naps. i have about an inch and a half of new growth. i keep seein pics of womyn with nice fros and its making me wish my hair would hurry up and grow 5 or 6 inches. everything comes in its time so ill be waiting. i cant seem to do anything with it tho. its been in a ponytail for friggin ever. i tried twisting it and then rolling it with perm rods and the result was horrible, to say the least. i have to find something to do to it before i start cutting it some more. next...i sent woo a big box of candy for valentine's day. i really didnt know what to get her at first but then i thought about it....that womyn loves candy. she has a sweet tooth from hell. its messed up that she is a diabetic cuz she loves sweets. i filled the box with her favorite candy and she should get it on tuesday. i also sent myf amily a box. i sent gooty a care bear, 2 coloring books, and some gummy bears. i sent my mother and my brother cds and some other crap. i just wanted my niece to have that damn bear. i love her like she is my child. speaking of children, the topic keeps coming up about me having children. sometimes i can picture myself with a couple of kids and sometimes i cant. i dont have a lot of patience and i know that if i have a child, i will definitely need patience. then, more than likely, i would be living the life of a single parent. i know woo would be involved but she has 2 children of her own. the child's father would have some role in the child's life....but the way men are nowadays, i dont know. its not like me and him would be "together" in any way except for the benefit of the child. i have had someone tell me that he would impregnate me but im not sure how that whole situation would go. its a longggg way down the road so i really shouldnt be putting so much thought into it right now. the thoughts just seem to cross my mind every now and then....especially when i see my niece. next....i forgot to mention that i saw my father when i was waiting for my train in dc. i called him...not expecting him to come....and he came. shocked the hell out of me. anyway, he wanted me to go to his girlfriend's house with him.....i said no. its not like i didnt want to be around him...i just didnt feel comfortable leaving the train station with him. we sat and talked about everything under the sun. the more i looked at him, the more i saw me and my brother. i have his nose and his ears. i even have some of his mannerisms.....we both bite our bottom lip when we are thinking....just to name one. my brother has his eyes, the way his face is shaped, and the same build. i enjoyed sitting and talking to him and when he was about to leave me, he hugged me, and he had tears in his eyes. i was like.....damn. i guess seeing me grown up made him feel some kinda way. i didnt cry...actually, it was easy to say goodbye. speaking of goodbyes....i didnt get to kiss my baby goodbye. as soon as she helped me get my suitcase on the train, it started moving. she had to literally jump out of the train on some stunt shit. so, i didnt get to kiss her goodbye, hug her goodbye, nothing. i cried myself to sleep on the train after we got off the phone. when she came here in november, i cried myself to sleep when she left me. its funny how i can say goodbye to my father with ease, but when it comes to woo......its really painful. like i said, i have never loved someone so strongly in my life. anyway....damn this is a long ass post. im takin my ass to sleep....i got 4 classes tomorrow. oh yeah....if you didnt see last wednesday's episode of dave chapelle when he was impersonating rick james.....you need to find it and watch it. its the funniest episode i have seen. aight now.....in a minute....peace......im cream.....bitch....out.

blahhhhh......my trip was cool....i had fun. the train was cool. the way up there was horrible. i was nervous, cold, and frustrated. my train was delayed and then it didnt have any heat or a working bathroom. it sucked ass. i had to stay in penn station in ny for 4 hours....penn station sucked ass. i got to ct 4 hours late. i was so damn happy to get off of that damn train. my baby was standing at the top of the steps waiting for me. i was too damn tired to jump on her. we had so much fun together. i havent laughed that much in a while. everytime we get together, we laugh. we are both goofy as hell. i washed her locs and twisted her new growth. she looks amazing when she gets her hair done. i cant wait to do it regularly. everytime to see her, i learn more about her. anyway...i picked out my engagement ring while i was there. now i realize it was all a set up. i saw the ring she had her eye on...it was beautiful yo. i got fitted for it...my ring finger is a size 9. i have long thick fingers...hehehe. well, today, she showed me the ring she got. it wasnt the ring she showed me....this mofo is more beautiful than the first. i was cheesin like hell when she showed it to me on cam. damn...im fittna be a murried womyn and dammit that feels good. she gets on my damn nerves sometimes.....a thousand times a day....but i luh her bossy, attitude poppin, spoiled, ass. next...when i was in ct, i bought a notebook and 3 red pens. im trying to spark my writing again. so far, i have a bunch of doodles on the first page. ill have something worth posting eventually. i have a bunch of ideas but nothing put together. they are all scattered pieces of future poems. okkkk, im gettin sleepy. in a minute....peace....cream out.

all aboard.....im leaving.....im scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. i wont get there until tomorrow @ 4:30. i will do a lot of writing when im on the train and ill update when i get to woo's house. pray for me......in a minute.....peace.....cream out.

when it hurts so bad.......damn....i miss lauryn hill. i wish i had her cd right about now....i loaned my mother one of my cd books and my lauryn cd was in there. anyway.....i am chillin at my desk....smokin a black and sippin on a glass of paul masson. i got a lot on my mind...here is a little of it. i have developed some unhealthy habits...smoking being one. i would have never thought in a million zillion years that i would smoke. i have thought abuot where these habits came from and i can only come up with 1 reason....stress. da kid stays stressed. if its not one thing, its another. good days are coming fewer and fewer at a time. the big question is...whats bringing me the most stress? i thought about it for about 2 hours and i still cant come up with just 1 thing. tonight, i layed on my floor and i asked the most high to give me guidance and strength to do what i need to do. i have never felt like this before...so confused and frustrated at the same time. i feel myself distancing myself from everyone, including my fam. when i shit gets really bad, i call someone. im trying to reach out to them....trying to let them in on this thing im going through....but nobody reaches for my hand. i think its best just to keep my distance.....that same hand that i am using to reach out can hold me up to keep me from fallin on my ass. next.....i picked up my train tickets tonight. it snowed and sleeted all day so the roads were slick. diallo took me to get my tickets and i was scared as hell. people were sliding all over the street....i saw a big dodge pickup truck sliding down the street and it eventually hit a pole. im staying my ass in my room all day tomorrow if things are not better than what they were. back to my tickets....i got them and it felt so weird. this is going to be my first trip by myself. i am trying to keep any pessimistic thoughts out of my head....i tend to think that way. im going up there to enjoy myself for a couple of days. i hope i do. so much has changed since i last saw woo...ive been thinking about that a lot. we are going to have to sit down and talk about a lot of issues. there is a lot that we need to discuss before i move there. next.....my mind is starving for something new. of course its getting fed with all my school crap. but damn...its like eating cafeteria food every damn day....some days, you want some red lobster, applebees, chillis, ruby tuesday.....ya feel me? i feel like i have been eating cafeteria food every day for 6 months. i want some real food dammit. ok....im going to read some of audre lorde's poetry and go to bed. in a minute......peace and nappiness......cream out.

struggle and sacrifice..........its a constant struggle. like i said yesterday, im having a hard time finding a way to get to connecticut that will be comfortable. she doesnt want to drive....period. the fact of the matter is....i cant drive. i never went to take the test to get my license....i dont know how to drive well enough to do that. no one ever taught me. so...i have no license and therefore, i have no car. i asked her if she would meet me in dc...that way i wouldnt have to wait in the damn train station for 6 hours. she said no. she asked why cant i get my aunt or one of my relatives to chill with me for the 6 hours. well, i dont want my family to be in my business. asking any one of them is an open invite to my business. i could ask my father....but my father is not dependable....i wouldnt expect him to be there with me. then i thought....would she do that shit for me??? would she catch a train here and wait in dc for 6 hours??? would she??? the answer is....i dont know. im going to go ahead and request the 3rd and 4th of feb. off just in case i do decide to go. if, by chance i dont go, ill just take my ass to work. right now, i dont know what to think about the situation. i really dont. ive never been on a train and i damn sure have never been anywhere by myself except when i went to new jersey and connecticut. ***UPDATE*** i just asked 2 of my friends how the train station in dc is and they said it is nice....it has a mall and a movie theater. yaaaayyyy!!!!so, i guess ill be fine. it costs $162 to take the train. me and woo are going to have a discussion tonight about the whole situation before i buy my ticket. i need a nap....in a minute...peace...cream out.