i'm in a real quiet mood. i really have more to write than to say. last night, i laid in my bed and thought about my life, the people in it, and what direction its going. my mother almost left this earth last week. that experience has had a huge effect on me. lately, ive been very reserved regarding my feelings. guess it was easier to just go with the flow and to rock the boat. i had problems (what i thought were problems) already and i didnt want to create more. ive realized that all the shit i was stressin about didnt fuckin matter.

tears....work. write. photograph. study. read. thats what ive been doing. im in the beginning stages of writing a novel and a book of poetry. im studying photography so i can get better at it and put a portfolio together. im reading more books so i that i can know what to do and not to do with my book. plus, i needed to get my brain back into shape. i hadnt been exercising it. sad, but true. im slowly becoming more disciplined. its taking time but im getting there. my goal is to set a bedtime and a waking time and actually stick with it. i also want to get on a schedule so that i can have more free time. sounds crazy but it makes sense in my head. im also thinking about conceiving a child next year. i have to get my health and finances in order first. im definitely going to write a lot once i start the process. the last time i tried, i was a mess afterwards. i was a recluse. this time im doing a lot more research about the whole pcos thing. i want to make sure i do whatever to make sure i have a healthy baby. im scared in a way because i dont want to set myself up like ive done in the past. ive gotten excited to discover i wasnt prego. at least now i know why i wasnt getting pregnant. work. i fuckin hate it with every cell in my body. not the job itself, the people i work with. i bust my ass every damn day for what? not a damn thing. its not like i can get promoted but yet im expected to know every damn thing and do every thing. in 2009, i will find a better job. i dont care if i have to work daylight hours. as long as i make the same or more money than i make now and i have some damn benefits, im there. its been 3 years too fuckin long. i know that i can do so much better than this. sooo much better. i got a college education and no criminal record. how many mofos can say that? i know that if i plan to have a child, i need to be somewhere better than this. its even affecting my health. i didnt have chest pains and migraines until i started working here. damn shame. like i said, 2009 is going to be different. it has to be....even if its just for my sanity. life. my mother is in the hospital. she has more fluid around her heart and she has pneumonia. i have faith that she will get better soon even tho i have been fighting tears all day. she hates being in the hospital but im glad she is there. she needs someone looking after her. she hasnt been breathing right for more than a week. now that she is in the hospital, she can get all the treatment she needs. tonight is her first night in the hospital and i miss her like crazy. i wish that i could take all the sickness in her body and put it in mine. i believe im strong enough to fight it. she has been fighting for years. im in a mood and im tired so thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and doin big in 2009....prolific out.