bombs ova baghdad......i am so tired of this whole war thing. its crazy yo. people fail to stop and think that people are losing their lives. fuck how much aid our country is giving iraq. fuck how much money this war is costing. what about peoples lives? tonight, they said that our military killed over 100 iraqi soldiers. is that something to be proud of? thats 100 lives. you know how much goes into creating 1 life?? just think about that. those 100 soldiers are somebodys brother, husband, son, or friend. i am not even goin to talk about the civilians and our own soldiers being killed. it hurts me to even think about it....knowing that they feel the same way we felt on 9/11. you remember how you felt? that fear? they feel those feelings every damn day. enough about that..im gettin teary eyed. yes, cream has a sensitive side. next....mayn, 3 more papers and i will be free. i finished my law paper today. i have a total of 3 more papers to do this semester. cant wait til its ova. im tired of school but i know i have to keep going. i have to. i cant just think about myself...i have to think about my baby. yes, my baby. me and stinka have been talkin about me having a baby. i have always wanted kids. when i was younger, i said i wanted 8. now i want as many as the most high blesses me with. im goin to have a baby when i am 24. 24 is the same age that stinka had her first child and the age my mother was when she got pregnant with me. so, i gotta suck this school shit up. i want to give my child more than what my parents gave me. next...just in case yall didnt notice, i am in love right now. deeply in love. i said i wasnt goin to talk about my love life but dammit....i need to get this out. i love the way she sounds when she hears my voice....the way she laughs....the way she walks...wit a slight pimp....the way she holds me...like i am the most precious and fragile being in this world...the way she knows what i am feeling without me opening my mouth to tell her....the fact that she overstands me and i move her as much as she moves me. i could go on and on. yo, i have never felt like this before....like, i see me and her together sittin on our porch, me 65 and her 77....her sittin in between my legs while i am twisting her new growth.....us still laughin together like when i was 22 and she was 34. i see us together as long as i have breath in my body. stinka...is that your smile or a reflection of mine? next....i want to be held right now. just needed to get that out. bein in this room by myself gets so lonely sometimes. i want to be in a place where i am appreciated and loved...where i can chill and be comfortable. i wish i could blink myself home. oops, i forgot. i dont have one. ill have one soon enough....i am focused ladies and gents.

still cream.....there is a new link page....its plain as hell....no pics....just links (key words..link page)....but its there. peep it. i will be updatin it whenever i find somethin or someone who is interesting. oh...i didnt get no shout outs either. is anybody readin this??? all that hard work and nobody utilized the damn thing. again...its at the bottom of every post ("shout out") so you can comment on each individual post. the tagboard thing is just goin to be a guestbook kinda thing. if anybody is readin this...tell me what you think. next....i havent written in a couple of days....ive been doin a lot of readin and thinkin. i started this book of buddhist teachings and text and it has me open. its given me a new perspective. todays quote: "we attain wisdom not by creating ideals but by learning to see things clearly as they are. wisdom comes from directly observing the truth of our experiences."next...things have gotten better i guess. as much as artiste needed a vacation....i wish she was at school. i need a good conversation fo real. the last time i talked to her....i told her i had a night sky map and i saw jupiter. she is the only person in my space that appreciates that like i do. she doesnt think da kid is looney cuz i leaned out of my 6 story window just to take a picture of the moon. everytime we converse she reminds me that i am not the only one who thinks the way i do or feels the way i do. daz my buddy...sunday betta hurr up before i lose what sanity i have left. next...i work with a damn idiot. my immediate supervisor is super stupid. she just urks da fuck out of me. i gotta suck it up cuz i need my job but yo...i would love to kick her ass in the forehead. ill be workin on 1 thing that she asked me to do...then, she asks me to do something else. i do the work she doesnt want to do. if it involves gettin up...her ass dont wanna do it. just fuckin lazy. her dumb ass just sits at her desk all damn day. she tries to be friendly to me and shit...she should know by my face that i dont like her ass. her voice damn annoys the fuck out of me. today she asked me "so, cream....how is your love life?" *gettin heated* bytch...my love life aint none of ya damn bizness....i dont know you like that and even if i did...i dont like you and dont want to talk to you...so what makes you think that i would disclose any information about my personal life to you? huuhh...will i always be surrounded by people who annoy the fuck out of me? gone to sleep this bitterness off....peace.

stormy weather....this post might be kinda long so go get a snack, something to sip on, and get comfy. first of all, there is a comment link at the bottom of each post ("shout out"). sooooo...let a sista know whatcha think about each post. much love to artiste for showin me da bizness!!! you can still leave stuff in the tagboard thing too. aight...my spring break. well, it was ok. the highlight was meeting my stinka (ya'll knew i was gonna say that). anywhoo, we got to va around the same time. she went to the hotel to take a shower and all that. i came home, played with my dogs, and went a couple of places with my mom. stinka called me from down the street. i wasnt ready to see her at all....i hadnt taken a shower, started cookin, nothin. i was anxious to see her so i told her to come up the street. when i saw her car come up the hill, i got butterflies. she stepped out of the car and i was like daaayyyyuuummmm. she is so adorable and her locs are long as hell. she has the cutest babyface. i cooked jerk chicken, rice, and peas for her. to make the long story short, i really enjoyed myself with her. i have never met someone like her in my life. its like, we vibe so well together. thats my wife....i luh her ass. next..honey (ex #2) called me 50 billion times while i was home talkin bout she is goin to take me from my girl and she was goin to come see me. what part of "i dont want yo ass...i am happy with my woman" dont yo stupid ass undadig? next....home. i felt a lot while i was at home...a mixture of relief, depression, anger, happiness, and pain...with a side of bitterness. being there makes me feel sick. its a toxic place fo real. not literally....i just dont belong there. so are so many bad memories there....people, places, and bullshit i would like to forget. everytime i go back, it hurts me. its like, having a sore and everytime the scab forms, someone rips it off. i cant stay there and remain healthy. it has taken me soooo long to clean up all this shit in my life and i refuse to let home shovel more shit my way. when i graduate, i am moving to new haven, connecticut insha'allah. i love my fam but i am beginning to accept the fact that i cant be healthy around them either. i really dont like my mothers boyfriend...i have reasons to, believe me. anyway, he is supposed to be moving in to my mothers house in about a month. well yo, if he is there, i wont be. i love my mother but i dont have to live with her. she asked me how i felt about it...well, damn, what can i say? shit, its her house. so my damn opinion doesnt matter. so, like i said, if he is there, i wont be. i wont ask her to make a choice between me and her man, because as much as she says that she wouldnt choose someone over her kids, i know in this case she would. me and my brother are grown now and we have our own lives. so, she is goin to do her thing. of course i am hurt..but thats the way shit is. ***brief interruption*** the chic that lives beside me hasnt been home 2 hours and she is already fuckin. dammit. i bet her boyfriend was waitin to tap dat ass. damn shame. let me stop bein a hata. if my girl was here there would be no words but strip and strap. *gettin goose bumps* i hope my stinka comes to visit me before may. well let my neighbor know how good sex is supposed to sound. dammit. back to the topic...im slowly detaching myself from my fam. i dont feel like i can be myself around them. its like, everything i do is wrong. every damn thing. they have an issue with me bein a lesbian. my brother told my mother he doesnt understand why. my mother still thinks its a phase. aight ma....3 damn girlfriends is not a phase. as far as why....dammit i dont know why. thats just the way i am. would i intentially make my damn life more complicated than it is? hell nah. i have never felt this much...shit...in my life. im just tired yall. i feel like.....im walkin butt nekkid through a thunderstorm and there is nothing around me to shelter me...its rainin so hard i cant even see in front of me.....all i know is im walkin forward and im tryin to keep my head up but everytime i lift my head...the rain makes it hard to breathe...im cold, im tired of walkin, tired of cryin...yo, when will this shit stop?

the fruit i long to taste.......i decided to apply to be an resident advisor (ra) today. think i would be a damn good one actually. i have been livin in this hell hole for 3 1/2 years now. the fact that i wouldnt have to pay for my room and board and my meal plan is a plus too. thats $3,000 a semester that will either go back to the loan company or go into my pocket. more than likely, its goin to go in my pocket. the first thing i would do, is tell my mom that i didnt get the money. about a week later i would have a new living room set sent to the house. my mom's furniture isnt bad...its just kinda crappy. we have had it since we moved into the house we are in now....7 or 8 years. she deserves new furniture. when she worked, she always tried to save for one, but something always came up so she had to spend the money she set aside. i want to make her smile. next...i am sending my resume to a friend of my great uncle...hes the head of the probation/parole thing at home. my uncle told me that i am guaranteed a job there this summer. im prayin that it will count towards my internship because work experience counts toward those hours. that means i would be finished with that internship crap this summer. plus, i get to show off my skills...i might be getting my foot in the door for a job there when i finish school. that is, if i dont go to grad school. still thinkin about it. speakin of my great uncle....i am makin it a point to go chill with my great uncle when i go home. he needs a kidney transplant...he adopted children, never had any of his own so i told him i would give him one of mine. i am an organ donor anyway. why not give an organ to someone that i know?? a lot of peeps dont understand...they all say i am crazy for even thinking about it. the big ? is, what if i need my kidney when i get older? well, here is my answer. i believe that everything happens for a reason and my life was written before i was born. the most high knows best. so, if i gave him one of my kidneys and one day, i needed a kidney, thats the most high's will. i wont question it because thats his/her will, just like me giving one of my kidneys to my uncle. if i am a match and he decides that he wants it, thats also the most high's will. so, im not worried about "what if". i am a strong believer in insha'allah. next, i am trying to go to summer school and 1 of the 2 colleges at home. i am soooo focused. i am tryin to hurry up and graduate so i can start doin the damn thing. start building a life for myself. yall, pray for me. next...my damn exes. yo, today must be "call ya ex" day cuz all of them bamas called me today. i dont mind latia callin me. its just them other bamas. talkin bout they miss me and they still love me. what da farfenugen eva. i advise yall to get the freak (tryin to stop cursin) over me and move on with your lives because i have definitely moved on with mine. next...a friend of mine is goin through some things. i want to be there for her. i want to take the pain out of her heart and replace it with happiness....she deserves it. she doesnt deserve the pain she is goin through. im goin to try my hardest to bring some light to her. she is my friend...so thats my job. next...i am goin to stop eatin beef. decided today. i want to eventually become a vegan. i think it will happen in about a year. my mind was sooo clear when i was a vegetarian. i miss that..so i am doin it again. before i forget...my explanation of fatty-bangin. ok..i am a big capone-n-noreaga fan. in one of their songs they said "fatty bangin, fatty bangin...she's cold bangin". they say it a lot actually. well, i am thick chic...thick to most, fat to some. when i was younger, it used to bother me when people used to call me fat. now that i am older...my view has changed. i dont give a damn if you think i am thick, fat, whateva. freak a damn diet. i will not starve myself to try to live up to other peoples standards of beauty. i embrace my fatty. i love my pot belly dammit. yo, peeps can say i am fat..but thats all they can say. i am pretty, from what i hear and from what i know. i wear this very well. i am very well put together...neva sloppy looking. i am highly intelligent. i am a beautiful person. so, since thats all they can say...ill be that fat girl. you cant front tho...this fatty is bangin. aight...this post is long....im gone to bed. peace.

at your best you are love......damn i must be flyyy...this weekend was...different. oh, speakin of different, this post was supposed to be the different one....but someone is not on her job *cough* woo *cough*. so, the "different" post will happen one day...dont know when...but it will happen. anyway, i went shoppin this weekend. found this store that is similar to burlington coat factory...got my mom and my niece some clothes. got me a skirt. couldnt really find anything i like. cant wait until i get a sewing machine....create my own shit that i know for a fact nobody else has. i am goin to do something to that skirt...it looks too plain. its a denim skirt with a split up the front. i might have to bleach it or spray dye on it.....anything to give the damn thing some life. im bringing home soooo much stuff for my fam. i spoil them and i enjoy every minute of it. cream neva comes home empty handed. i went into the dollar store and found this soap called camay. when i was little, my mother used to buy camay all the time. thats when it was in the store next to dove. i used to think it was smelled soooo good. when i smelled it, it reminded me of baths in the big clawfoot tub in my old house. i bought 2 bars...they were 50 cents each. im goin back to get more soon. its amazin what you find in a dollar store. next...4 days til i see my fam and my stinka. feelins havent changed....im not nervous. the situation with her is so much different from the other 2 relationships i was in. its mature....its healthy. its like a breath of fresh air. i feel like i could barely breathe during both of my relationships with my exes and now that i am with her....i can breathe easy....breathe freely. i am in a relationship with someone that appreciates me....all of me. i found a woman with a fully functioning brain and dammit she uses it and she shares her knowledge and wisdom with me. finally found someone that has something to add to my mental table. she woos me. she intrigues me. she.....yall know the rest. happy 1 month anniversary to my stinka. im so proud to be your woman. i cant wait to lay in the bed with you and listen to duke and john coltrane's "in a sentimental mood" and just......be. aight...enough of the sappy shit....next...my smelly mood is been downgraded to slighty stank....thanks to jae, artiste, chay dub, and stinka. i feel a lot betta than i did a couple of days ago. just had some negative energy around me...im fine now. aight....im sleepy as hell. goin to bed. ill holla back lata. in the words of artiste....peaceezy.

ooooh nuthin......im not even goin to talk about how anxious i am to be goin home or how excited i am to finally be with my stinka. more than likely she will be home before i get there. the whole ride home, i am goin to be sleepin....i gotta rest up for my stinka. nah, im bullshittin. i am goin to be sleepin tho. not because of her....because i know i am not goin to get any sleep next week. i have 3 midterms and a paper next week. plus, i gotta clean my room, make cds for my fam, do laundry, get my nails and toes done, dye my hair, and go shoppin for a new outfit to wear to the club. (its still on dub) so, da kid wont be sleepin very much. i look at it like....those are the hurdles i have to jump so i can get home to my fam and my stinka. next...why in the hell is it that now that i am in a relationship....peeps are on my clit??? comin out of the cracks like roaches. when my light was on and i wanted to be in a serious relationship....they ran and hid. when i turned my light off and hung up my availability hat....they haulin ass out the cracks. *smh* its cool tho. im flattered......im taken tho. next...my stress level has not been downgraded. i havent been drinkin any merlot....still got some left. im bein a good girl tho.....havent cussed anybody out....been tempted to tho, i aint gon lie. i am so tired of my job. well, not really my job...its the secretary i work with. im not goin to go into it real deep....she just makes me wanna kick her repeatedly. cant wait til i graduate so i can tell her to suck mi rasssss. the way shit is goin with my stupid ass school...who knows when that will be...a year...a year and a half....i dont know. aint thinkin bout it right now....im focused on right now. i know this is a short post....i gotta study for my damn history midterm. my next post is goin to be...different. *evil laugh* here is my laugh for the day. lata.

landslide.....i cant wait for spring break. i know yall are tired of hearin it but dammit....its the truth. so much is goin on at 1 time...its hectic. i must be on a damn red alert cuz shit is gettin to me. im more emotional than usual. im in a new relationship, a full time stressed out college student, an artist with no time to create, and I am tryin to live my life. sometimes, like today, i get real frustrated. i walked from work with tears in my eyes....all the way home. i know i have to be strong but i am tired of bein strong. tired of school. tired of the people that i work with (i want to slap the piss out of some of them). tired of workin a job that dont pay shit. tired of needed shit and not bein able to get it. tired of bein taken for granted. tired of bein tired. last night, i got a bottle of merlot. drank a glass and chilled. i havent drank in a minute...so i know i am real damn stressed. next...i said i wasnt goin to talk about me and my girl on my blog cuz you can never hear her side of things but dammit...im makin an exception today. when we talk, ill post her feelins about the situation. aight here are mine.....the one time i needed her to listen....she wasnt there. i dont talk about my issues....the real personal ones....to anybody. i was ready to pour my heart to her and she wasnt there. as my woman, i need her to be there for me. i need her to listen to me....not just hear me. i need her to undadig my feelins. i need her to be my woman. im finna take a hot shower, sip my last glass of merlot, and go to bed. peace.

stopped combin my mind so my thoughts can lock......i am in the midst of an evolution of myself...vibin...listenin to basin street blues by miles...sippin on some orange juice...smellin like nubian musk and cocoa butter...another night alone. dont get it fucked up...i am enjoyin my own company.....aint nothin like ya own...cuz i neva disappoint myself. i always can depend on my good ol' self (self i luh you) to stimulate my senses...make me feel this jazz comin out of my speakers....sendin my mind on a rhythmic trip...makin every centimeter of my body relax. uhhh ohhhhh...i feel a freestyle comin.........you are my flame and my light.....i burn for you like a perfectly rolled spliff....takin your mind on journeys...journeys into the depths of yourself....igniting instant intoxication....upliftin your mind into the ionosphere...takin you higher....into a permanent state of bliss...extinguishing your voracious mental munchies with exquisite cuisine ....made fresh from my soul's kitchen....feedin ya cerebellum more than any before me....i soothe your cerebral hemisphere's state of thirst by givin you a tall glass of water from my well of life experience....copyrighted foreva by cream baby. for all yall bitin muhfuckas. thats all for now folks. had more....forgot it..my mind moves much faster than my hands lil daddy. next.....my ex has been callin me a lot lately. talkin to her doesnt bother me anymore...she used to urk da shit out of me...like the sound of her voice used to make me wanna scream....i guess when i accepted her as she was...faults, issues, and all and let go of all the anger and bitterness i had for her....she aint so bad. she doesnt irritate me half as much as she used to. dont get me wrong....she irritates me sometimes. she aint no exception....errbody irritates me at some point. when i talk to her, i wonder how we were ever in a relationship. we are total opposites....like i said before, those opposites attracted us, but they also broke us up. you know how people say "we werent on the same page". me and my ex werent in the same book. it was like...jill scott datin da brat....it just didnt work. now, we both are involved and both happy....we are cool as hell now....she inspires da kid to laugh and maybe she came back into my life for that reason. da kid needs some laughter in her life....school is pissin me off. 13 days til sunrise. i need a fuggin break...i need some time not think about anything school related. next....in....my....solitude....billie is singin me asleep. i wish i could have met her, marvin gaye, and bob marley. i would have billie sing while i wrote and we would talk about havin the blues, i would sip merlot and play in bob's locs while he smoked a spliff while he told me all about haile selassie, the places he performed, and who inspired him to write "waiting in vain", and me and marvin would sing every song on his "here my dear" album and talk about love and the state of this world. i can always dream...dammit. *today's lesson*: the key to havin patience is findin somethin else to do while you wait. aight....thats enough fo now. ill holla.