Friday, January 30, 2004

all scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. i wont get there until tomorrow @ 4:30. i will do a lot of writing when im on the train and ill update when i get to woo's house. pray for a minute.....peace.....cream out.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

when it hurts so bad.......damn....i miss lauryn hill. i wish i had her cd right about now....i loaned my mother one of my cd books and my lauryn cd was in there. anyway.....i am chillin at my desk....smokin a black and sippin on a glass of paul masson. i got a lot on my is a little of it. i have developed some unhealthy habits...smoking being one. i would have never thought in a million zillion years that i would smoke. i have thought abuot where these habits came from and i can only come up with 1 reason....stress. da kid stays stressed. if its not one thing, its another. good days are coming fewer and fewer at a time. the big question is...whats bringing me the most stress? i thought about it for about 2 hours and i still cant come up with just 1 thing. tonight, i layed on my floor and i asked the most high to give me guidance and strength to do what i need to do. i have never felt like this confused and frustrated at the same time. i feel myself distancing myself from everyone, including my fam. when i shit gets really bad, i call someone. im trying to reach out to them....trying to let them in on this thing im going through....but nobody reaches for my hand. i think its best just to keep my distance.....that same hand that i am using to reach out can hold me up to keep me from fallin on my ass. next.....i picked up my train tickets tonight. it snowed and sleeted all day so the roads were slick. diallo took me to get my tickets and i was scared as hell. people were sliding all over the street....i saw a big dodge pickup truck sliding down the street and it eventually hit a pole. im staying my ass in my room all day tomorrow if things are not better than what they were. back to my tickets....i got them and it felt so weird. this is going to be my first trip by myself. i am trying to keep any pessimistic thoughts out of my head....i tend to think that way. im going up there to enjoy myself for a couple of days. i hope i do. so much has changed since i last saw woo...ive been thinking about that a lot. we are going to have to sit down and talk about a lot of issues. there is a lot that we need to discuss before i move there. mind is starving for something new. of course its getting fed with all my school crap. but damn...its like eating cafeteria food every damn day....some days, you want some red lobster, applebees, chillis, ruby tuesday.....ya feel me? i feel like i have been eating cafeteria food every day for 6 months. i want some real food dammit. going to read some of audre lorde's poetry and go to bed. in a minute......peace and nappiness......cream out.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

struggle and sacrifice..........its a constant struggle. like i said yesterday, im having a hard time finding a way to get to connecticut that will be comfortable. she doesnt want to drive....period. the fact of the matter is....i cant drive. i never went to take the test to get my license....i dont know how to drive well enough to do that. no one ever taught me. so...i have no license and therefore, i have no car. i asked her if she would meet me in dc...that way i wouldnt have to wait in the damn train station for 6 hours. she said no. she asked why cant i get my aunt or one of my relatives to chill with me for the 6 hours. well, i dont want my family to be in my business. asking any one of them is an open invite to my business. i could ask my father....but my father is not dependable....i wouldnt expect him to be there with me. then i thought....would she do that shit for me??? would she catch a train here and wait in dc for 6 hours??? would she??? the answer is....i dont know. im going to go ahead and request the 3rd and 4th of feb. off just in case i do decide to go. if, by chance i dont go, ill just take my ass to work. right now, i dont know what to think about the situation. i really dont. ive never been on a train and i damn sure have never been anywhere by myself except when i went to new jersey and connecticut. ***UPDATE*** i just asked 2 of my friends how the train station in dc is and they said it is has a mall and a movie theater. yaaaayyyy!!!!so, i guess ill be fine. it costs $162 to take the train. me and woo are going to have a discussion tonight about the whole situation before i buy my ticket. i need a a minute...peace...cream out.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

me, myself, and i.....i never thought i would feel a song by beyonce so much. once i took the time to listen to the whole album....its actually hot. of course, there are a couple of songs that i skip but the majority of it is real cool. so, if you dont have it, cop it. birthday was aight. i didnt get any cards or presents. i guess thats a sign that i am officially old. i went to the mall and went crazy....i got clothes, boots, and perfume. for the first time in a long while, i didnt buy anybody anything but me. me and woo got into a real deep deep in fact that we almost broke up. it all bowls down to the fact that we havent seen each other since that brief time in november. i need to look in her eyes with my hands in hers and vibe. i need to be touched with hands other than my own. i need to be romanced....i need to be shown that love is a verb. when i walk down the street and see people holding hands, it reminds me of what we cant least what we cant do right now. yall dont know what i would do just to hold her hands right now. this long distance between us is getting so hard. im really not sure when i am going to see her again...shit, a plane ticket is $936, i would have to stay in dc for 6 hours in addition to the day it would take me to get there, and it would take me a day and a half to get there on a bus. so, im stuck. its times like this that i wish that i could drive and i had a car because i would have been to see her by now. really fed up with my job. its ok, i dont do anything hard but damn, its boring as hell and it doesnt require much intelligence. i have met a lot of interesting people tho. im going to stick it out until i find another job. i hope that i fnd another one soon...i hate dreading going to work. i used to be so excited about work. i cant wait to start my something that i really want to do. next...i know i have been neglecting my blog. i used to update almost every day...then i got a job. i have slacked up on writing and as a result, my mind has gotten so damn cluttered. writing is like therapy to me. so, im going to try to update more. next....i have decided to go natural again. this time, is the last time. dealing with my hair is a task...believe me. i have damaged it so much it doesnt want to cooperate with me all the time but im working on it. i discovered the nappturality ( website and i have learned a lot. i hope i get a mentor so i can learn a lot more. eventually, i want locs. i have to get 100% natural first tho. getting sleepy. i have been sipping on paul masson and pepsi and im finally getting sleepy. in a minute......peace....cream out.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

today is my birthday.....happy born day to 23 years young. in a minute....peace...cream out.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

happy new year.......its been over a month....but da kid is back. i made this layout during periods of boredom at home. the quality sucks because i had to shrink it and do all kinds of shit to make it small enough to upload to my pic server thingy. im going to get my html skills up some more and then i will buy my own site. shit....i need space to express my creativity. anyway....there is so much to say. well, my winter break was aight. i had fun with my niece, with her grown ass. christmas was its usual disappointment. the only thing that made it cool was seeing the look on my niece's face when she saw all the care bear stuff i bought her for christmas. i bought her a myscene madison doll. she can do the doll's hair and leave everybody else's head alone. she named the doll after me. i dont know why, but she did. all in all, being at home was cool. 23rd born day is on thursday. i am so friggin excited. im going to take myself out to dinner, go to shopping (i want these), and just chill. i wonder what will be in my mailbox on my birthday. we'll see. anyway, im welcoming 23 with open arms and an open mind. im going to make 23 100 times better than 22. woo is talking about going to hawaii in the spring. im all for it...i need a REAL vacation. i have never been on a vacation before...well, a vacation where i went some place i have never been before. i cant wait to see blue water...not this murky green shit that is around here. speaking of going to see her next month. im going to conquer my fear of flying. if its my time to life was written before i was what will be will be. i hope i fly at night so i can see the moon. i know it will look sooo pretty...if i can see it. next...people keep askin me what my new year resolutions are. well...i only have one. i want to progress, not regress. thats it. im going to be better off than i was in 2003. next...i went to work this evening for the first time in a month. peeps didnt get on my nerves for some reason. i just let shit slide like water off of a duck's ass. im looking for a new job tho. i need a change. aight...i need to go clean my room. ill holla lata. in a minute....peace....cream out.