believe.....im finally off from work. i have to work for the next 3 days and then im off again. im starting to value the time i spend off from work. ive been trying to do more with my time than just chill around the house. ive been getting back into french, thanks to spanish fly. (more about her in a minute). we started talking because i told her that i would help her learn french. i took french for a total of 5 years but i cant speak it fluently. im working on that now. ive also been reading more. i believe reading makes me a better writer. when i dont read, i dont write well. ive been like a damn readaholic. lmao. reading everything i can get my hands on. anyway, im studying photography a whole lot more. summer is coming up and i want to take maaaaaad photos. i want to start my portfolio. might start scrap booking like my brother's wife.
ok.....spanish fly. miss guatemala. what started on a humble ended up something quite bigger. started out teaching her french...to speaking in french on the phone...to conversations about what was going on in my life at the time...to her voice being my alarm clock. sometimes i wonder if she is thinking about me like im thinking about her and then.....she calls. it happened so fast....almost like when we met, we were what each other needed at the time. i was the person she needed to talk to and vice versa. what i dig most about her is the fact that like me, she thinks a lot. she has a beautiful mind. we're both trying to make sense out of life....trying to figure out where to go and what needs to be done to get there. its not even on some ol lust type shit either. instead of talkin about how big her strap is or how she is gonna bang my back out....we debate about politics, things that are going on in the world, and trivial shit like why not to drink cow's milk. she is conscious...definitely not a sheep. she digs my mind....wants to know what's behind these sad eyes of mine. she sings raheem devaughn to me....."with affection like a dreamer, with patience and understanding, like a teacher with a student, vice versa promise not to hurt you, not to leave, not to lie, not to cheat, not to fuss, not to stress, like the rest in your past. believe me I ain't like most men. I ain't like them others you then dealt with in the past, just have some faith, that is all I ask, believe in me." as i said before, im not rushing into anything. im still single. ive been in too many fucked up relationships to rush into something before im sure that im ready to open myself up again. opening myself up is the hard part. am i ready for a rebirth of love? yeah. opening myself up and exposing my dreams, my desires, my heart....thats the hard part. ive never been in a smooth relationship....the type of relationship that has a couple of bumps in the road but mostly smooth. ive never been in a relationship that didnt have a huge conflict of some sort. it was always something. *sigh* im ready for healthy love. im ready for a love that makes me smile more than i cry. im determined not to bring past bullshit into a new situation. i am going to make sure that i come grown, fresh, and new. its funny how every day that passes....im starting to believe a lil more. in a minute....peace and faith....prolific out.

pleasure.....ive met someone. im practicing not expecting anything. it is what it is...im enjoying right now. she makes me laugh...which is something that is needed right now. she can buy me a drink but hasnt been on this earth as long as me....not that it matters. she has sun kissed skin, dark deep set eyes, and kissable lips that keep a spanish speaking tongue at bay. whats behind all that remains to be seen. ive entered into this situation with an open mind and a closed heart. it takes more than love to move me. love hasnt been enough in too many situations in my life for me to really value it by itself. it has to be accompanied by honesty and respect before i will consider welcoming it again. the city girl with the bright eyes left a bad bruise on this heart of mine. im starting to think about sex a lot more. for a while, i would go days without even thinking about kissing someone. there has been so much time wasted on dealing with negative sexual experiences that the ones ive actually enjoyed were few and far between. im looking forward to the day i finally feel deeply about someone to share my body with them. until then, im celibate.
i applied for the supervisor position that came available at my job. not to sound pessimistic, but i probably wont get it. too much bullshit surrounding it. hell, the position might not exist in 6 months. its hard times out here....the economy is suckin ass. budget cuts galore. people having to choose between filling up their gas tanks and eating the next day. damn shame. im looking forward to my stimulus check. maybe i can pay some of these credit cards off. i still need to spring shop since i cant wear anything that shows my tattoos at work. no sleeveless shirts for me. speaking of tattoos, i want another one. im aiming to get one around june. i want a big one this time. i would love to get a phoenix to cover up the cat on my back. i havent seen any pictures of phoenixes that i actually like tho. might have to get somebody to draw me one. thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and pleasure....prolific out.

2 miles...tonight i got on the elliptical machine and pushed my legs until i felt like they were going to detach from my body. i fought the urge to stop....pushed through the pain. 2 miles later, i came to this realization. i have slowly turned into what i despise. i feel like im drowning in roanoke and its an everyday struggle to keep my head above it. i have no idea where to begin to get back to me but trust and believe, i am. in a minute...peace and love...prolific out.