pineapple rum ramblings.......merr chri’mas errbody. i hope everyone is enjoyin themselves. get drunk and be merry!!! anyway, damn...i always have a hard time tryin to decide where to begin. lets see.....what did cream get for christmas??? cream got an airbrushed shirt from her brother and thats it. same shit as last year....cream doesnt get shit for christmas. you’d think that since its happened since i was younger, id be used to it. WRONG. im not. as much as people say “its not about the gifts” dammit, i dont know anybody that doesnt want a damn thing for christmas and wouldnt feel some kinda way if there wasnt anything under their tree. to that i say, bitch please. thats a big crock of shit. i cant wait until this shit is over with. tomorrow, im going shopping for my damn self. yesterday was pay day so i finished up christmas shopping. i got my brother some damn chevy mats for his car. it was $30 for 2 damn mats. i was heated....but i got them because i knew he would like them. i got my mommy some perfume she has been buggin me about for almost a year, some bubble bath, and a ham. lol....she has been wanting a ham since thanksgiving. next....last night liana called me. well, it was early this morning. i could tell something was wrong because she never calls me really late. she called me to vent about her father and a bunch of other stuff. we were sitting on the phone cryin at 3 am. she has been through a lot....i found that out last night. behind all the goofyness, is a lot of pain. we both have the same issues with our fathers. which brings me to this.....i dont know too many women between the ages of 18-27 that had both parents in their lives. thats a damn shame. i know shit like that isnt planned....i dont know too many mothers that plan to have a baby and then raise the child by themselves. a lot of mothers say that they can raise a child by themselves and yada yada yada. they are right...they can....but...their will always be a void there. i dont care if they have a step-parent....its still not their father. and people wonder why a lot of people in our generation arent quite right. smh. i can honestly say that my mother raised me and my brother by herself and there were male figures in my life but....they werent my father. to this day, the situation with him hurts me. he called to say merry christmas with the same lame ass excuses. to him i say, whateva nicca. damn...sidetracked like a mugg.....back to liana. liana showed me a lot yesterday and i believe that we will become really close friends over time. she has the potential to be in my cypher. now lemme tell you about another female who shall remain nameless to protect her from embarassment. we were on the phone yesterday evening having a normal convo. i think we were talking about cooking or something like that. anyway, why....in....the....hell....did this chic start playin with her cooch on the phone???? at first i was like....what da fuck? then, i was like...hmmm...lemme see how long she is gonna do this shit. smh.....she had 2 orgasms. keep in mind, that cream didnt contribute to her phone bonin. i sat there quietly. she was callin my name and stuff. i was like ohhhh my...is this chic fa real? after we got off the phone, i sat on the porch and collected my thoughts about this little situation. i came to this....she gets 10 cool points deducted for playin with her cooch on the phone with someone she hasnt known for over 3 months. yo...we havent even had a sexual convo and she is gonna be on the phone playin with her cooch....is she serious? dont get me wrong, there is nothin wrong with phone bonin....i even wrote a whole entry on phone bonin *archives....somewhere in the first year*. but uhhh....i felt some kinda way about her playin with her cooch and callin my name when we arent even talkin to build a relationship. we’re just friends at this point. lmao.....tia said she gets her stud card temporary suspended for screamin out my name while she was phone bonin. how am i supposed to talk to her like i have been doin? all ima hear is those moans and shit in my head. *crackin the fuck up* she has tainted her image to say the least. anyway peoples....thats enough for now. i gotta check on my chitterlings. in a minute.....peace and ohhh my damn.....cream out.

all i can do is love ME......warning...this is a long ass entry. so get grab you something to drink and a snack and get comfy. alrighty......baby when i used to love youuuuuu......thats my shit. i put it on repeat and spaz out in my room...singin at the top of my lungs. holla holla hollaaaaaa. im feelin that song cuz it describes how i feel about each and every ex i have. i couldnt mentally or emotionally afford them. buncha heffas. someone asked me am i bitter about my past relationships and do i see all of them in a negative light. well, i admit that i am bitter but i dont see all of them negatively. i got this idea from another blog....thought i needed to do it. i picked 4 people (for this post) in my life and im going to write what i want to say to each one, not mentioning names. there is more than 4 so ill write more in the future. anyway, here it is........
1. damn, i have no much bitterness and anger toward you that it amazes me that at one time, i was in love with you. right now, i cant stand you. you are a liar, a manipulator, and a fake ass cunt. if i never see you or talk to you again, i wont be upset. i hope all the bad things in the world happen to you and only you. karma is an evil bitch.
2. i havent talked to you in about 3 months and i want to pick up the phone and call you....but im not. you have had chance after chance to make things right with me and you fucked up every damn time. im not going to keep putting myself out there for you to hurt me or disappoint me. you have no idea the bullshit that i have been through so i dont expect you to understand how i feel. you are and have been so wrapped up yourself that you fail to see the pain that you cause. you cross my mind everyday and thoughts of you used to bring tears to my eyes. now i cant do anything but shake my head. i wonder if you ever think about me. probably not, because you havent picked up the phone just to say hi. i refuse to be the first one to call, write, etc.....again.
3. mayn, i miss you more than you can imagine. you taught me so much....even when you didnt think you were. i know you probably thought i was too young to understand what you were sayin to me but i wasnt. i would give my life if it meant that i could be with you for just 1 more day. i know you wouldnt allow me to do it but yo...thats how much i miss you. my whole life changed the day you left. its like my innocence left when you did. i know i have done some things that you wouldnt approve of but for the most part, i know that you are proud of me. the memory of your voice and the things you said to me, have kept me out of a lot of shit. i know that i wouldnt be alive if it wasnt for you. i love you.
4. *sigh* as much as i want to despise you, i cant. i am still hurt but i dont allow you to see it. i dont want you to know that you hurt me more than what ive expressed to you already. there are times when i wished things would have worked out between us but the fact remains that they didnt. i wish you would own up to the fact that you hurt me and you did some foul shit. as bitter as i am, i hope nobody hurts you like you hurt me. i know karma is a bitch but the fact remains that i still care about you. maybe i need to stop talking to you because when i read what you wrote, i cried. to read that you want to do the things that you didnt do when you were with me, to someone else, hurts like hell. the fact that i told you what i needed and you convinced yourself that i was asking for too much and now, you are doing those things for her not only hurt me, the whole situation pisses me off. i think its better that i distance myself from you like i planned to do in the beginning. i loved you more and treated you better than anybody else did and all i got was dry ass apologies and bullshit. the fucked up thing is....i still love you and i hope that this love i have left for you goes away. like i said, distance is definitely a must.
ok, now that i got that out of the way....whats next? ummm....work. work is ok. its only 6 hours a day so im cool. my feet hurt like hell when i get home but ill survive. i know i need the money so i get up off my ass everyday and do what i gotta do. working alone has given me a lot of time to think. most of my thoughts have been about my plan to have a child. there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about him or her. lately, my thoughts have been more centered on how my life will change when i finally get pregnant....besides the obvious. i wonder if he/she will be proud of me. old people say that children chose their parents....i wonder if my child will be proud of his or her choice. on to my almost nonexistant love life. ive been vibing with 3 very different women lately. first, there is inayah. me and inayah have been talking for about 2 months. when i first met her, i admit that i was a bit shook. she is so damn intelligent and has such a deep mind that i thought i might get become attached too soon. deep conversations are like breaths of fresh air to me and she always has something to bless my mind with. she takes the time to really listen to what i say. what i like most is the fact that she asks questions to make me think. she has a lot to offer to my mental table and i look forward to it. i know that she is one person that i want to be in my cypher for as long as she wants to be there....even if nothing but friendship sprouts from the conversations we have. second, there is liana. we havent been talkin for a long time...maybe about 2 or 3 weeks. she’s only 19...thats an issue. after ex #4, women under 21 make me feel some kind of ill way. not all of them, just the ones that ACT their age. no maturity what-so-fuggin-eva. back to liana....she is puerto rican, which is different for me since i have never talked to a woman outside of my race. i dont think anything is going to come of our conversations other than friendship. first of all, she acts her age. thats a big turn-ff...not saying you have to act serious all the time but damn...there is a time and place for that. second of all, she said she doesnt like black women with natural hair. well, she didnt say that she didnt like it but she made a reference to me gettin a perm...and that shit aint happenin. plus, she has said a couple of things about big girls. i refuse to be in another relationship where i feel like im an “exception” because i am a big girl with nappy hair but i have a bangin personality and shit going for me. fuck that....i want someone that wants a big girl with nappy hair, a bangin personality, and shit going for her. fuck that exception shit. anyway, liana says that she is diggin my personality and wants to get to know me better. like i said, i doubt anything will come of our conversations but a friendship. she is cool but she has to show some depth, something more than what she has shown me thus far.the third and final woman is aleka. we have been talking for about a month and a half. so far, she is cool. they all seem that way at first. the only thing that bothers me about her is the fact that she is so damn quiet. when we are on the phone, she wants me to do all the talking. she says that she wants to get to know me better and by listening instead of talking, she does that. maybe its weird to me because i havent had a woman that actually LISTENED. its different as hell....thats for sure. who knows what will come of this. im not gong to expect anything but conversation from any one of them. everything remains to be seen at this point. of course, i still have my crushes....1 of which i plan to act on. shit, why not? anyway....thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace and strength.......cream out.

trickery......home is cool so far. 2 hours after i got here, i voiced my distain for my mother’s “friend”. i mean, everybody knows that i dont care for his presence. so far, its been cool, like i said. no arguments, no drama, no issues.....so far. i got a job that i plan on working for a little while. we’ll see how it goes. today i went christmas shopping with my mother. the mall was crazy. kids running around screaming and crying because they couldnt get the toys that mommy said santa claus would get them for christmas this year. damn shame. why pretend that a fat white man is going to bring your children everything that they ask for? isnt that lying to them in more ways than 1? first, you are telling them that a fat white man is going to come on a sled from the damn north pole and bring everybody, everything they want. what do you say to the child with no presents under the tree because momma had to pay the rent and couldnt buy that new remote control escalade? the idea is, if you are good all year, santa claus will bring you everything you want for christmas. basically, your good behavior will be rewarded. thats not always true. just because you are a “good” person, doesnt always mean that you will be rewarded with something you can hold in your hands. i thought a lot about that while i was walking through the mall. there were plenty of christmases where i didnt get anything. i was lucky to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. im determined not to expose my child to that but at the same time, they wont believe that whole “santa claus” thing.....”if you are a good boy or girl, santa will bring you gifts.” how bout hell no. its all about momma claus. every christmas i say this....big ups to all the momma clauses out there...the women who work double shifts and go in on their days off just so their kids can have a nice christmas. big up to the daddy clauses too....i just know a lot of momma clauses personally. next....my love life is damn near non-existant. i talk to a couple of people, just on a friendship level but i dont see any of them as prospects. maybe its because im not really looking. all im doing is enjoying myself...doing me. i talked to ex #4 today and she literally made me wanna puke. the sound of her voice turns my stomach like dog shit. the smell of fresh dog shit in 90 degree weather= ex #4’s voice. i know, i know...that was mean but so what. thats how i feel. i think another reason why my love life is the way it is, is because im picky as hell plus im easily irritated. im attracted to little things like the structure of a woman’s neck, her laugh, the shape of her eyes, her ability to have a real conversation....mayn, i could go on and on. ive yet to find someone with most of the characteristics that im looking for. i know im not the queen of universe but i know that i dont deserve anything less than greatness. aight....these pancakes i just ate are making me sleepy. ill holla lata. in a minute.....peace and buttery syrup.....cream out.

cram to overstand.......right now im in the library studying for my criminal law final. ill admit that im afraid. i always tend to doubt my ability...question if im really as intelligent as i believe i am. i know that i havent fully applied myself in college and that was down right stupid because im payin for this shit. i know i could have done much better than i have done so far. the fact is, i cant change it now. whats done is done and i have to keep looking forward. last night, i prayed to the most high like i always do unless i accidently fall asleep first and when i wake up, i feel so guilty. anyway, ive been praying the same prayer at night since i was 12 years old. occasionally ill add a little to it, but usually, its the same. people tend to think just because i am the woman i am that i dont get down with the most high. i know i curse like a sailor and sometimes i tend to say some mean things, but i believe in my heart that He/She is the ONLY being that knows my destiny, my intentions, my heart, and will love me unconditionally. last night i was talking to a friend of mine and the subject of religion and homosexuality came up. thats not a subject i usually talk about mainly because...my relationship with the most high is my business. most people and i have a mutual understanding.....if you preach to me, i most definitely will ignore you and most likely not talk to you anymore. let me do me....im responsible for me, not you. lemme 'lone. next...one of my exes called me this weekend to tell me about some drama that she was going through. now, i admit, usually i would have felt great that karma took a chunk out of her ass but when she told me, i felt kinda bad for her. just a smidgin....nothing too serious. when she called i knew something was wrong because of her voice. ive known her for almost 2 years and trust, i know her like the back of my hand. i know that deep down, she's hurt about everything thats going on with her. i also know that it took a lot for her to call me and ask me for help. it must suck to call the one you know you hurt to ask for help. i really dont know because....ive never been the one who inflicted hurt, ive always been the one who was hurt. but like i always say...karma is an evil, cold hearted, bitch and she'll bite ya in the ass one day. next....along with my quest of peace and serenity, i have decided to cut some more people off. someone told me that im anti-social, which is sorta, kinda, true. i dont like being around a lot of people because people irritate the hell out of me. even i get on my own nerves occasionally. i have decided communicate with a select few....yall know who you are. the people that bring nothing but positivity into my day and smiles to my face. i know sometimes i may act like a doody head but all of yall know that i truly respect and appreciate the friendship we have. i luh yall...*hugs, kisses, and a booty squeeze* ok peoples....its time to take my law exam. pray for me. in a minute.....peace and a clear mind.....cream out.

tyson approach...new layout AGAIN. i know...i wasnt feelin the other one. it was something about the blue that i didnt like. ive been listenin to miss badu all day so i decided to create a new layout with her in it. lemme know whatcha think. where to begin, where to begin. hmmm..lets see. well, im officially the love hater also known as the anti-relationship. i need some time to ease my mind. anyway...im not going to get the bitchin about how most women aint bout shit. today's bone to pick is with these damn pms symptoms. my breasts feel like someone has tried to ring them out like sponges. i dont wanna jump, go down stairs, go up stairs, run...nothin that involves my breasts moving. i dont want to be hugged either...smooshin them hurts worse than jumping. laying down is a fuckin process. damn eve to hell with hellacious cramps and uncontrollable bleeding. if it wasnt for her, i wouldnt be in this shit. *poppin a motrin* next....im gettin tired of hearing about weight loss. dammit, if people want to eat, let them eat. i dont see what the big deal is. if people want to be fat, let them. its not like most of america isnt fat anyway. if you are fortunate enough to eat, please feel free to do so without passin on the carbs and shit. damn adkins diet....like only eatin hog mogs, fried chicken, and slim jims is healthy. bitches please. i am going to eat what the hell i want and do what the hell i want. my main goal is happiness and dammit, eatin chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and washing them down with a tall glass of chocolate milk from the creamery makes a chic happy. almost...orgasmic. if ya dont like it....kiss my fat ass and have a cupcake. people are entirely tooooo caught up with appearances. i know they mean something but damn...people dont seem to realize that the media is brainwashing you with a fake idea of beauty. people are like trees....every one is different, even tho they are all still trees. im not gonna lie and say that i dont want an attractive woman...cuz hell yeah i do. heres the thing tho...if she is cute without a conversation, brain, goals, or ambition....she gets no love. i would rather have a woman that is not so attractive that treats me like the queen i am and has all the qualities i desire outside of looking like betty lennox's clone than to have a fine betty lennox lookalike that aint bout shit. speaking of her...im still waiting for this alleged soulmate of mine. not really waiting, preparing is a better word. ive decided to focus my energy into improving my inner self. im takin some time to dig deep. i have some cleaning up to do. next...finals are next week and i go home on thursday. i have 3 finals because 2 of my finals were optional. i opted not to take them since got B's in both classes. why take the exam if there is a risk that my grade could drop to a D??? thats not a good thing. so, i kept my B's. this weekend, im going to study as much as my brain allows me to....migraines mess up my thought process. 1 semester to go and i will be a college graduate. cant believe it but i know its finna happen. im scared and excited at the same time. regardless, im in a happier space right now. single and content...if she comes my way, she does...and she betta step her game up to the trillionth degree and come correct. if she doesnt, oh fuckin well. im fallin in love with the miraculous, magnificent, greatness that is me. aight...thats enough for now.....im takin my ass to bed. in a minute....peace and self love.....cream out.