get 'em gurrrrllll.......its been a week...i know. between school and work i barely have time to breathe. school....i have my theory paper due in 3 weeks and i havent even started on it yet. ive started the research process and i had to change my topic because i couldnt find enough info on it. so, today, i woke up bright and early to go to the library and get some books and work on my paper. finding the books i needed took 2 hours....well, i got kinda sidetracked looking at other books that i would love to read if i had time. *sigh* if i only had more time. having this job has made me realize how precious time is. when i was working part time, i wasted a lot of time basically doing nothing. now, every minute of my day counts. every hour is accounted for. the word of the week is discipline. im working towards being disciplined. work...work is work. my save rate (the amount of people i get to stay with the service and not cancel) SUCKS. i think my average is 15%, when it should be 30%. i just have an issue with bugging people because i dont like to be bugged. if i call to cancel a service, cancel the damn thing. dont offer me anything for free (nothing is free) and dont try to convince me to stay. just cancel my account so i can keep it movin. dont get me wrong, i try to save people but its hard. all i can do is try and i get paid whether i make saves or i dont...so im not worried. business....i havent started working on any graphics for my stuff yet. i have been entirely too busy. woo is real excited about it....i am too but im not a business savy person. im the creative side of it and she's going to be the business side of it. so, the cream shop soon come. seen? diet....i started the adkins diet on monday. i was going to do the sadkhins but im not a big fan of milk. too much makes me gag. plus, i need some kind of variety. nothing but veggies and fruit or milk every other day is no fun. this adkins thing is getting kinda boring now too. i have had dreams of pancakes. yuuuum. oh well, i can get to where i want to be if i dont work to get there. ill continue to eat my cheeseburger without the bun, thank you. my baby...i was thinking...my girl needs a vacation. i would love to fly her here for 4 days. i'd still go to school and work so she would have time to chill by herself. i'd buy a bunch of food so she could chill in my room and just be. she'd have computer access in my room. she'd have cable plus my school's movie channel where they play new video releases. oh...and she'd have me. no noise, no kids, just peace and quiet and her baked lays and diet coke. id make sure she had some activity planned for the day like, a football/basketball game, a jazz concert, a play, a movie, a trip to the riverfront or the park....something to get her out of my room occasionally. yo, she deserves a vacation...taking care of 2 kids plus looking after her mom is a lot. that would be so nice. im missin her like crazy. we still dont know when we will see each other again....itll be 4 months next month. feels like 4 years. aight....i need to go nite nite. i have to get up and work on my paper. sooo, in a minute.....peace and serenity....cream out.

miss busy body.........ok...quick update. im so excited....ive decided to start my own business. its something i have always wanted to do. anyway, i peeped her site and she has a online store and it kinda triggered the idea. i want to create stuff for the glbt community. i have looked online for t-shirts, license plate covers, etc and the only place i have found them is gay.com. plus, i have a bunch of design ideas for different things. so, im in the process of creating designs for my stuff. i will be selling boxers, t-shirts, hoodies, thongs, mouse pads, posters, calendars, and post cards of my artwork....basically, anything you can think of. ill put up a link when i am finished designing everything. its going to take a minute because of school and work but i am soooo excited about this that every spare moment i have will be devoted to this and my art. the art section of my blog is also in construction. damn...so many things to do, so little time. next...work is ok. like i said yesterday, when i get home, im tired as hell. one of my so called friends is in the process of being downgraded to associate. its funny how you think you know people, then they turn out to be totally opposite of what you thought they were. really, i dont have time for it. my friends are feeling neglected....i cant help it tho. i have so much on my plate right now and i refuse to lose. i am going to graduate, start my business, keep this job, inshallah. im doing big things. saturday, im devoting the whole morning to my theory paper....i want to get at least 7 pages done. its due the end of next month and even tho its only 15-20 pages, i want to have the whole thing done by the middle of next month. thats my goal. aight...time to go to work. in a minute......peace....cream out.

warrior song....well, i passed my certification test @work. i thought i wasnt....being the pessimistic chic that i am. i got a 100. yaaayyy me. anyway, yesterday was my first day on the floor. well, it was frustrating as hell. i think i got some the most evil people on my line yesterday. some people can be so damn rude. anyway, i came home with a HUGE headache. the chic that had been sitting at my desk at work before me left work because she was sick. well....now i feel icky. i puked about an hour ago. im fighting it...i cant miss work. i got a phonecall from my cell phone company this morning...im over my daytime minutes. well....i knew that shit. anyway, the lady was real nice....i upgraded my service so i can have more daytime minutes because by the time i get home, i dont feel like doing shit but having a brief convo with my girl and going to bed. if i cant handle it or if i dont use the minutes...trust, i will downgrade it back to what i had. next...ive gained 20 pounds. as for my weight now....ill never tell. just know, that i have gained 20 pounds and i dont like the shit one little bit. soooo, sadkhin here i come. im starting to feel maaaaad sluggish and uncomfortable as of late. so, fuck talking, im doing something about this shit before it gets so out of hand that i cant do shit about it. im a warrior...i can do it. next...right now im doing laundry and i just finished cleaning my room. i really dont have time for much anymore...my life is school and work. in between, i find time for my girl and for my friends. im going to start taking some books that arent school related to work with me to read when im not taking any calls. i havent read a good book in a LONG time. if you have any recommendations....leave them in my comments after "cream out". ya gotta highlight it to see it. lol...its my little glitch in this layout. aight....time for me to go get my laundry, fold it up, and put it away..then its off to french class. je deteste francais. in a minute...maybe 2....peace...cream out.

work blog #2.....im at work again and i feel so damn bloated. i feel huge....like a big ass bubble. i dont know whats up. i start my diet this weekend.....yaaay. i got paid today and i have already spent this check in my head. i gotta pay on my cell bill cuz dammit...i know that i have gone over my daytime minutes. damn shame. im going to stop calling peeps during the day but hell....everybody is sleep after 9. i wish i could go to ct on halloween but...my time isnt going to be right. i want to go a week before i leave for thanksgiving break. its been 3 months since i have seen my stinka chocolate puddin pop. this is the longest we have spent apart...we got together in feb, saw each other in march, and came to get me in may so i could spent 2 months in ct. so 3 months is a longggg time for us. the most high willing, we will see each other sooner than i think. anyway, back to my pay check....i gotta christmas shop. my goal is to have most of my christmas shopping finished by dec 1st.

random thoughts @ work......right now, im at work.....very bored. work wouldnt be so bad if i wasnt in this damn training class from 3-11. im hungry....i would love to have a buffalo chicken sandwich right about now. i think ill treat myself to lunch from applebees today. next...7 years ago, today, my grandfather died. when i was walking back home from class, i got teary eyed. i know he would be proud of me....ive done everything that he asked me to do before he died...i even did somethings beyond what he asked. i miss him sooo much. i talked to my grandmother...i thought she would be kinda depressed today but she wasnt. it was a pleasant surprise....we had a longgg convo. we talked about everything from crazy people to the soap operas. next...my last post was about my father. i had a moment. lol. i know i have said 50 billion times that i am not going to let him piss me off but for some strange reason that is beyond me...he does. ive just decided to take it day by day. he's never really been in my life to begin with...but why is it that i miss something that i have never had?? weird huh? next....i havent really been in a talkative mood...ive been on the grind. with school, work, midterms, and getting everything situated...ive been really busy. sometimes so busy that i dont have any "down" time except to for my 4 or 5 hours of sleep i get. im not complaining tho...im doing what i need to do for myself. nothing wrong with that. next...i cant wait to shop online. i have been looking at a ton of sites...amazon is my favorite...and i get all excited just thinking about shopping. im buying my niece some stuff from toys-r-us...i found some care bears that i havent seen in stores yet. i am a care bear fan just as much as she is. woo thinks that im crazy. i guess im reliving my childhood or something. maybe thats it....all i know is i like shopping for my niece. i want her to have all the stuff i didnt have when i was little. anyway...im waiting for my break to order my food. da kid is starving.....in a minute....peace and a biscuit....cream out.

chapter 1........i despise you for all the feelings that you have ignited in my heart...anger and bitterness to name a few. most of all...i feel love and hatred for you all simultaneously. i dont even know why i love you in the first place. i love you and i despise you at the same time...why have i allowed you to make me feel like this....i feel so fuckin dumb....so damn stupid for allowing you to be in my life at all. why do i keep going back when its obvious that you dont give a fuck about me or my feelings? why do i keep forgiving when the issues keep repeating themselves? why did i ever give my heart to you in the first place? all i can come up with is....i was dumb for loving you. i was stupid as hell for caring about you. im tired of crying...being unhappy...being your jester...someone you pick up and put aside at your leisure...you know what....fuck despising you...i hate you. despise is not the right adjective to describe the what i feel. hate is a better word choice. i thought shit would be different...blah blah blah....but it aint. promises, promises. promises are like babies....easy to make but hell to deliver. you have hurt me for the last time. its not healthy to walk into oncoming traffic and not care. its not healthy to drink every damn day. i refuse to lose any more sleep....any more of my time....any more love....on a fucked up individual as yourself. so fuck you and the womb you came from. aint no peace today.....cream is definitely out.

black & mild.....im sittin here, listenin to tweet, smoking a black (my first time and its not as bad as i thought...its quite relaxing), thinking before i have to go to my meeting with my french professor. i have reached the lowest point in my life and right now it appears that it is my highest point. its only an illusion. i finally got a job. im still in school when most of my fam told me that i wouldnt last a semester. im just going through some things that i really need to work out ASAP because i believe that they will contribute to my downfall. i know i am not the only one stressed out...most of my friends are stressed as well and usually i am the one that they talk to when things are going good. i cant be there for them until i take care of myself. a lot of the problems that i have as far as my fam is concerned, could have been prevented if i put myself first. next...i have totally slacked up on my writing. i have read some the pieces i have wrote in the past and compared them to the pieces now....they arent on the same level. writing is kinda like working out. if you slack off...you lose strength and endurance. i used to write all the time, about anything, for hours...now, i sit with my pen in my hand and stare at the paper. writing is what keeps me sane....not saying that i am not sane now...im just not at as at peace as i was when i was writing everyday. next....im in love...im sure yall already know that. being in a long distance relationship is stressful especially if you dont know when you are going to see your mate again. im in that position plus i am working so that doesnt leave much time on the phone....she has a job and kids, so by the time i get home from work, she is in the bed sleep. i have been kinda mean lately because im going through so much. there are a lot of things i havent told her and i have expected her to understand how i feel but how can i, if she doesnt know whats wrong? we really need to sit down and have a talk about the whole situation...but when? i need to see her....soon. next...i am starting another blog in addition to this one. its going to be focused on my work (written as well as visual). it should be up soon...i have to work on a layout. well...i need to go talk to my professor. *puttin my black out* in a minute....peace....cream out.

work it girl.......day 2 of my new job....i like it so far. its cool...i laugh at lot when i am at work. there is a lady in my training class that asks 50 billion questions...wont even let the man teach the class. she asks questions that the teacher is going to answer for us when he gets to that particular topic. there is not 10 minutes that goes by that she doesnt ask a question. then, there is a dude that i think is kinda disturbed...he has the answer for everything. i think they need to team up. i need to start taking me something to eat with me because all i drink is water and a cup of gevalia coffee to keep me awake. today we went over computer basics...when i say basics, i mean basics. like....what is software and hardware? i was fighting sleep. thank the most high for coffee. next....im maaaad frustrated. i shed a couple of tears when i came home...im feeling a lot of things at 1 time. im happy because i finally got a job which means i will have some money. im frustrated because i feel like im being taken for granted. im happy because i am finally doing big things and i am doing them by myself. im upset because by the time i get home, everybody i know is sleep and i get frustrated because i want to be listened to. i want someone to be as attentive to me as i am to other peeps. like i always say....what i want and want i am experiencing dont always meet. anyway, im happy because i am losing weight...my pants are starting to get loose. im happy most of all because i am alive and my life could be a lot worse than what it is. next...i need some food...bad. im finna go to taco bell. in a few minutes.....peace.....cream out.

the word of the day is.......j-o-b....and i finally have one. *all praises due to the most high* a friend of mine told me to go apply at this place that she had just got hired on at. its a phone center....basically its helping people with their internet service over the phone. no telemarketing. so, i decided to go peep it yesterday. after filling out the application, taking a stupid test, and getting interviewed....i got hired. the interview wasnt even an interview....the lady talked about her fam the whole time. fine by me...just give me a job. i start monday at 3. i work from 3-11:30 for a week of training. after that, i think my hours will be shorter. i am so excited. i finally got a real job. i know its going to be hard going to school full time on top of working but i can handle it. yesterday i went shopping for some "business casual" clothes. i dress like a tomboy most of the time...jeans and t-shirts. this is going to be a new experience for me. i bought a couple of things but i definately need some more clothes. hopefully, diallo will get out of his girlfriend's ass long enough to take me to the mall. oh...speaking of diallo, i dont like his girlfriend. she talks to him any kind of way...she is extremely jealous and stuck up as hell. she's cute....but she's not all that to be sweatin. he deserves so much better....he's like my little brother....i hope he realizes that she isnt kosher soon. i need to do some homework before i go to bed....in a minute...peace....cream out.

rain on meeeee......i got tired of the other layout. i saw a picture of the beautiful young lady named mona and it inspired me to do a new layout. i didnt want anything but her head on my page....dont get me wrong, her body is beautiful as well, but her face is what got her on my page. sooo, miss mona, if you ever read this, just know that i think you are a beautiful womyn and i hope that you are very successful in your modeling career. next...i called my father on my new cell phone when i was on my way to walmart. my brother turned 21 yesterday and i wanted to know why he didnt call....so i called him to get some answers. i dont know why i expected that this birthday would be any different from the 20 before it. to make the long story short, he said i always call him to browbeat over some bullshit. when i talk to him, i tell him how i feel...my feelings about him...and he called my feelings bullshit like i dont have a right to feel the way i do. i said "fuck you" and hung up. i almost cried....almost. i called my mother and we talked about the whole situation. everyday, for the rest of his life, he will pay for not doing right by his children. im going to let the most high take care of it and im going to live my life completely without him. he will never hear my voice or see my face ever again...my word is blood. next....i am still job hunting. all i know is i need to hurry up and find one because my money is getting shorter and shorter. i have things that i need to buy for myself....plus, i have to buy christmas presents. i talked to a friend of mine that used to work at this place that i have been looking at...she said she wishes she still worked there. after the convo....i am definately going to call and see whats up. next...its been almost 3 months since i have seen my womyn. im missin her like crazy....woo woo woo. hopefully, i will get to see her soon. i miss the way she touches me. i miss sharing a bed with her. i miss her holding me real close to her and her drooling when she sleeps on my boobies. i miss waking up in the middle of the night and eating junk food with her. damn, i miss her....especially at night. nights are the loneliest time of the day for me. anyway.... im going to listen to some coltrane and try to go to sleep. keyword:try. i havent been doing much sleeping lately. in a minute....peace...cream out.