Tuesday, October 18, 2005

a dream deferred........its 5 am and i cant sleep. usually, i would be in my bed, snoring, drooling, and dreaming about airplanes crashing or me accepting an award in front of thousands of people....but this morning, i am wide awake. when something happens, im one of those people who doesnt “feel” it until a couple of weeks later. i try to push things in the back of my mind because i dont want to be depressed.....hell, who does? i try not to think about anything bad because i know it will consume my mind and stress me the fuck out. that being said, something happened about 2 weeks ago that i havent talked about nor wanted to talk about....one of those things that i pushed in the back of my mind hoping it would just go away. a couple of weeks ago, i took a polygraph for the police department. i was told the reason why i had to take it in the first place was because there were “questionable” people in my immediate family that threw up red flags. i wasnt “questionable” but my fam was. my record is clean....so is my piss. hell, you can do a spinal tap and take some of my hair....i dont partake in any drugs except the occasional glass of wine when i can afford a bottle. to make the long story short, i failed a couple of questions on the test.....the questions that i had actually told the truth on. i was truthful will every question....no i dont take any drugs, including pills that arent prescribed to me, no i havent stolen anything over $25, no i havent done anything illegal except for download music, no, no , no. the test was tryin to detect lies in me but instead lied. the only reason why i had to take the damn test was because of “questionable” people in my fam. i cant help that im the only legal one in my fam. its like im guilty by relation. when i graduated, i thought i would come back here, get a job with the police department or become a police officer eventually and now, that thought has been river danced on, a-town stomped, spit on, and left to die. this basically means that i cant become a police officer because u have to pass a polygraph and well....i cant. i feel like i went through college for absolutely nothing. i have a degree thats sittin in an envelope, inside another envelope, that i cant even use. i worked my ass off for something that is basically useless to me. im over $50,000 in debt for what.....a fucked up job at a bank that i could have gotten even if i didnt have my degree. all because, i have “questionable” people in my fam. i cant control what they do....i thought controlling what i did was most important. i guess not. so my question now is, now what? where in the hell do i go from here? i know i have to keep moving forward, keep believing that there is something out there for me....something much bigger than this. this cant be my life. maybe im not meant for the whole legal atmosphere....but gat dammit thats what i went to school for, studied my ass off, made sure that i didnt get into any trouble for, and now ladies and gents.....what the fuck do i do with it? if that damn piece of paper didnt cost me over $50,000, i would rip it up and piss on it cuz its useless to me at this point. in 3 hours, i have to go to a job that i hate to earn just enough money to pay my rent and my bankruptcy lawyer. *sigh* like i said, this cant be my life. i know that im destined for something much bigger than this shit. hmm....and people wonder why im so damn angry. in a minute....peace and a focused mind......cream out.

Monday, October 17, 2005

unplugged......this alicia keys unplugged cd combined with jill scott's book of poetry has inspired me to write despite the fact that im tired from working all day. dora sent me a package today.....to my surprise. i bet she was about to burst because she didnt tell me until today. we're not good at secrets. we both hate surprises. anyway, she sent me a bag of blow pops (my favorite), the jill scott book, and the alicia keys unplugged bootleg. before yall get ya draws in a bunch about the bootleg....i bought the cd but i wanted to rip it and put it on my ipod and guess wha....it wont allow me to. well, it will but it sounds like it skips so im guessing thats the cd protection thingy. i hate that shit...if i buy the damn cd, i should be able to put it on my ipod or burn a copy to play in the car. *sigh* last night, i showed her what i got her for christmas so far on webcam. im tempted to mail her the coat that i bought her because its getting cold and i know she needs it. hopefully, she will get up here soon and i can spend some time with her. its been over a month since we've seen each other and i would be lying if i said i dont miss her. i sleep easier when she is here. like i said before, im more at peace when she is here.....my life doesnt suck so much when she is here. dating status changes....so called friends changes. sad but true. i thought that a certain person was my friend come to find out....what i thought was friendship was bullshit. that seems to be the story of my social life. im not going to let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch but i will say this.....once you have lost my friendship, once you are deemed uncool, there is no coming back. it seems like when i told people that were my so called friends about my relationship, that was the end of our alleged friendship. sad situation. oh well. the job search continues. im neva comfortable. the business is still in the works....i cant wait to get started. aight....thats enough for now. im about to light my sandalwood candle and listen to ms. keys. in minute.....peace and heartburn (the good kind).....cream out.

Sunday, October 9, 2005

untitled #81820291this migraine thing is back. i definitely need to get this ish checked. it feels like a million lil oompa loompas are trapped inside my head and they all gathered at my forehead, right above my eyes.....and they are doing the a-town stomp, trying to escape. i need health insurance, ASAP. next...i refuse to write about my job. i think i have expressed how much i hate it over and over again so like i said, im not going to mention it. i will say....i feel like the real me is trapped inside this 9-6 working, business suit wearin, prim and proper imposter...posing as me enjoying my life. when im able to rid myself of her and strip down to my soul and finally breathe, ill be good. never said ill be happy because happiness and contentment are joined like siamese twins and ill never be content....at least not as long as im still conscious. my life isnt so bad, hell it could be worse. im just a lil pissy cuz im not living out my dreams. i wonder how many people do live what they dream. moving on, hollywood pink is that crack. i finally found an avon lady. that chic doesnt know that she is going to make a lot of money offa me.....i love hollywood pink. it smells so damn girly and sweet like chocolate kisses and rose petals against freshly showered skin. *sigh* i cant wait for dora to come back so she can smell me...cuz my perfume smells like her. everytime i spray it, i think about her. wonder if she know how much i miss her....i doubt it because i tend to be a mean ass. im distant at times and i try to keep focused on other things but when other things in my life arent going right, i dont want to focus on them so i turn my attention to missin her. when she is here, i tend to laugh a lot more. my stress level is almost nonexistant...almost because i always think about the fact that she has to go home. everything feels different when she is here. i dont think ill ever overstand this love thing. all i know is, its a nice experience and im glad im sharing it with her. aight ladies and gents....this migraine is officially kickin my ass. im off to bed. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.