Thursday, November 21, 2002
this piece is kinda angry....ive been wonderin whats up with my feelins and heres what i came up with. it's called "past tense and presently salty" *words spoken.....you Had me...feelin like i was not worthy....of your time, your effort, your compassion, your love....you...Had me..feelin like what the most high created was totally wrong...I was not embraced by your eyes or your heart....i was disdained...i was substandard....you....Had...me...feelin like you lowered your standards cuz i wasnt up to par with your visions of a falsified hoochiefied ghetto queen that could give applause to your so-called greatness with her badookadunk...i was just cream...that thick red headed chic with those pretty brown eyes and them sexy ass lips...but you thought i wasnt shit...compared to the women in the club, the women in the videos, and the women your dreams...your actions screamed louder than your words of adequacy...you didnt have to verbalize for me to recognize...how you...Had...me feelin was evidence enough...you...Had....me...feelin....as in already ago and past tense...unattractive, unwanted, unsuitable, and unacceptable....at the present...you Have me feelin......bitter. Copyright © All Rights Reserved. that's all for now peeps. cream needs sleep.
As Always Prolific at 12:22 AM
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
unexpressed....my hair is back red and my blog is back orange....back to basics. i have a comments block at the bottom. tell me whats on your mind. links are to your left...peep them. there is a lot on my mind so this might be a long post. i went to walmart today and i thought a lot while i was on the bus. that long trip gives me time to think. aight, first thought...my sexuality and my religious beliefs. me and artiste (congrats on the birth of your blog) were having a discussion about that yesterday. i dont think im going to be slidin down a gasoline rainbow into hell because i am a lesbian. damn i love that word..say it with me...les-bee-an. if the most high wrote my life out before i was even thought of, then everything, including me being a lesbian is in there. now, if im wrong, i will have to answer to the most high on judgement day....no one of flesh and blood can judge me. i do what i do and best believe...i do it very well. there is so much more to me than my sexuality. i know that i am a good person....the right that i have done is greater than the wrong i have done. next thought....i talked to my ex today and she told me that over the weekend she had sex with the girl she is talkin to. i cant help but feel some kind of way about that whole situation cuz i was in love with her at one point. i know that we both have moved on....just to think about her touchin someone else like she touched me makes my stomach turn. maybe she felt the same way when i told her that i had been intimate with someone else....cuz she told me she didnt want to hear it. with so many people wantin to talk to me and be with me....why am i even feelin anything about that situation? yo, i am so ready to be loved and to give love....i havent met anyone who is worthy of my love. i have a big heart and when i love someone, i love them with everything in me. so i gotta keep my guard up at all times....i dont want to feel the way i felt when me and my ex broke up. that was some painful shit. sometimes i wonder, does she actually understand how bad she hurt me? honestly, i dont think so...i think its beyond her. enough about her, i feel my mood changin. i took a psychology exam today...think i did aight. it was on affiliation, attachment, and love. i shoulda got an A on that bitch. 2 days and a wake up and ill be home. next thought...i know yall are tired of hearin about me goin home but dammit i need to go home. i need a break. i wish i could put my life on pause just so i could catch up on sleep. im so tired. tired of every damn thing..school, love, people, every damn thing. im just fuckin tired. hopefully, home will make me feel betta. i hope i dont see any of my damn dreaded male exes. i mean, they are aight, i just dont feel like bein bothered. im goin home to enjoy myself not to be asked 50 billion questions about me bein a lesbian (i had to say it again) or to be annoyed by them tellin me that they can change me. my ex asked me am i goin to jump his wood when i get home.*gettin heated* negro please. i only jump rubber and plastic. i dont get down with wood. what the fuck eva. i dont like dicks that spit and i only like dicks that are strapped to a woman. speakin of straps and women....i need some oochie. cot damn. i know.....tmi. i need some tho....i need my mind stroked as well....cant have one without the other. next thought...where are all the intellectual studs with their minds right at? does that type of stud exist? can i get one in my life please? pretty pwease. aight, enough for now. cream is done fo da nite. peace.
As Always Prolific at 12:53 AM
Monday, November 18, 2002
5 days to sunrise....you gon eat yo cornbread........its only monday and i feel overwhelmed already...its like i only have 5 more days until i go home...where i know that peeps luh me and i can eat REAL food (i'ma gain about 10 pounds)....where i can de-tox (finally)....where i can be at peace. this room is gettin old. i started a collage on one of my walls. so far, it's lookin pretty hot. i need more stuff on there. i will add to it as the school year goes on. hopefully, i can put some good grades on there. da kid's grades aint gon be so hot this semester. this semester has been so hard for me and i know that it will only get harder....so i gotta suck it up and deal with it. like i said...5 days to sunrise. yo, i have been havin real bad headaches lately...not nothin i cant handle...but its weird cuz ive never had headaches. maybe its stress. then. im startin to break out. im startin to think that it doesnt have anything to do with me not de-toxin in a while. i think i might be allergic to somethin in this room. im startin to sound like huny. i hope that its not as bad as her allergic reaction. fo realla. last night, i was readin some poetry by paul laurence dunbar and lucille clifton. i was moved, fo real. im workin on this piece...ill post it when im done. the headache from hades is kickin my ass...so im out. lata.
As Always Prolific at 11:36 PM
Friday, November 15, 2002
so beautiful you are........yo, this meshell got me open. makes me want to cut off all the lights, burn some jasmine incense, and lay down in my bed and be still....*thought* i want to be held right now. its been so long since i have been held by someone that i know loves me. words are just words without actions. when someone tells me they love me....i always say show me, dont tell me. dont speak about it, be about it. i would rather have someone who didnt tell me they love me all the time, but showed me how much they love me, than to have someone constantly tellin me they love me and dont do shit but talk. like sade said....show me how deep love can be. keyword: show. ive only been in love once in my life. even tho i got hurt like a muhfucka in the end, it was a beautiful experience. if it didnt hurt like it did, i wouldnt have known how deep it was. if i wasnt in love with her, i would have said fuck her and moved on. but i didnt. i went through some shit. like i said, heart aches are fo real. it showed me that i am capable of lovin someone with everything in me. i didnt think da kid could love someone like that, until i loved her. right now, i believe that i am ready to love someone....i am ready to settle down and just be committed to one person....i am ready to build something with someone. yo, im just not going to settle for less than i deserve. i am a very good woman (a queen...dammit) and i deserve the same. im goin to be patient....i believe the most high is preparin me for her and she'll come into my life when the most high sees fit. i wonder who she is....what she looks like....what her goals are in life....what shes doing right now. maybe shes bein prepared for me. i know ive been talkin about love a lot lately...its really been on my mind. more than usual. anywhoo....i only have a week and a day left lil buddies and ill be home eatin chitlins and oysters (not at the same time tho)!! my momma (happy b-day to the queen who birthed cream) is gettin all excited about me comin home. i love her and my brother soooooo much. i miss them when im away....give me about a week at home....and im ready to come back to school. im just used to havin my own space....not havin to answer the phone when i dont want to....makin as much noise as i want to....sleepin all day and not doin a damn thing if i dont want to....the list goes on and on. thats the benefit of havin your own....you are the queen of yo shit and you can do what the hell you want to when you want to. yo, the kid is breakin out again. my skin is not glowin like its supposed to. i know its cuz i havent de-toxed in a long time. de-toxin gets impurities out of your body. i used to do it every week. i need to but i dont have everything i need, so it will have to wait until i get home. then, i can take a bath with dead sea salt and black soap....burn some sandalwood incense....sip on some grapefruit juice....play me some boney james....and chill. da queen needs to take her royal ass to bed...french quiz tomorrow....*thought*.... je deteste francais!! ....peace lil buddies.
As Always Prolific at 12:31 AM
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
je m'adore.......ATTENTION...your mind is not playin a cruel joke on your eyes...the page changes colors whoadi. there are a lot of peeps feelin me now and honestly, i dont know how to carry it. ive never had peeps feel me for whats in my brain. everybody used to tell da kid that she was weird and shit. when i decided to do what the fuck i do, people get intrigued by me. im livin proof that if you are true to yourself and you just do what the fuck you do and tell errbody that dont like it to suck a diseased monkey's ass....you'll get nothin but love in return. thank you to all the peeps who have been showin me love. yall dont know how yall cheer me up. ive been in a mood lately. i dont undadig it. its not good or bad, its just a mood. ive been hella mean lately. snappin at people...bein more anti-social than normal. i thought i was pms'n....im still on a red alert, the code red aint came yet. so, maybe i am. i wish it would hurry up and do tha damn thang so i can get it ova with. i registered for classes this morning. im takin a full load next semester...no social life for cream. oh well. im just tryin to get the fuck out of school. i need some money. yo, im startin to develop a crush on someone. can u believe cream baby is.....havin a crush on someone? hell to da nah. its true tho. im feelin this woman like....damn. aint no words that can describe it. we had the discussion.."do good studs/femmes exist?" well, i know that good femmes exist cuz dammit i am a good femme. i know this. as far as good studs, i also know that they exist. i just dont know where. if i did, i would be on the first bus there to cop me one. when me and leiriq talked about this, she said im too selective. i have the right to be selective. i am a queen dammit. intelligence, honesty, depth, good hygiene, knowledge of self, and ambition are not much to ask. deep, soulful eyes and a pretty throat would be gravy on my plate. most importantly...i want someone to add to my mental table instead of always takin away from it. im tired of not havin my mind stroked. im tired of meetin practicers of know-nothingism. fuck how well you can stroke my body...can u stroke my mind??? the physical part is important, but you have to stroke my mind before you stroke my body. my brain is my main erogenous zone. i want whats beyond passionate love...that compassionate, respectful, healthy, loyal, kinda love. anyway, back to the woman im diggin like an ol' school record (been listenin to too much meshell)....im goin to talk to her some more and see where it takes us. im just so tired of the wankstas and the bullshittas. i hope she aint anotha one that will be added my long list of wankstas and bullshittas. well as much as i want to write some more.......i got to go to work lil buddies.....muahhhhhhh.
PS---Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
PS---Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
As Always Prolific at 1:14 PM
Thursday, November 7, 2002
dear sweetness and artiste'......i'm writin this to you because i feel yall. i feel what yall are goin through because i have been where you are at....about a month or 2 ago. i loved my ex with everything in me. words cant even describe the love i had for her. i had more than passionate love for her. i had companionship love for her. she was my best friend and lover in 1 person. shit changes tho. people do things, people say things, people feel things, and shit changes. thats just a fact of life. i luhh you and artiste' like yall are my sistahs. as much as i luh my favorite artiste'...you need to let her go. the longer you try to hold on to somethin that is not there, the longer you waste your time. time that you could be devotin to someone who will love you the same way or more than you love them. i had to let my ex go and i know its a long, hard, stressful process, but you got to do tha damn thing. it hurts like a muhfucka but i guarantee you, it will hurt a lot worse if you keep holding on. she will never be the same person she was before whateva. evolution moves forward, never backward. so, just accept the fact that she is who she is and will never be who she was again and everything else will fall in place. ill be here fo you...that's what cream is here for. now, on to my favorite artiste'. stop bein so damn mean. nahh, i'm playin. thought...i got some damn nerve callin somebody else mean. like i said, shit changes. you got to mend that heart and let go of that negativity. all that bitterness and anger isnt healthy at all. let it go and maybe one day soon yall can be friends again. i know deep down yall love each other. im here fo both of yall...yall know how to reach me. aight...how is cream doin? cream is pms'n. ive been slightly emotional lately. but, i havent cried yet. i havent flipped on anybody...yet. i cant wait until this weekend. i aint doin a muhfuckin thang. im gonna sit on my ass and write poetry all day. i aint gon crack a damn school book. im tired of studyin. i need to do some shit fo cream. i just want to enjoy my muhfuckin self. damn, i have a potty mouth tonight. yall like the new layout??? i think its pretty. the orange was gettin kinda old. i needed somethin different. since i luhh orange so much, ill probably go back to it later. anywhoo, cream needs some sleep. nite, nite.
As Always Prolific at 11:01 PM
Friday, November 1, 2002
no ideas original........yo, i had an aight scurry day, fo realla...i got a B on that the criminal justice exam that i thought i failed.....one point from a fuckin A. plus, i got an A on my paper. i was sooooooo peachy. then when i got home, i had 7 sour strawberry suckers, some reese cups, a hershey bar, a pack of sour patch kids, and a bunch of strawberry warheads outside of my door. someone knows i luhhhhhh suckers and i luhhhh sour candy. they forgot the gummy bears, but thats aight. then...my fuckin computer crashed. it's aight now....i flipped cuz i thought i lost all my music. i would have been salty as hell if i had. yooo, ive been gettin phone calls and e-mails askin me what or who was i salty with when i wrote my last entry. well...they shall remain nameless. i was sooo heated that i couldnt sleep....i would sleep for a few minutes and wake up. just know this....they have been downgraded to associate status. i have a very low tolerance for bullshit and negativity. like i said, im not a snake charmer. anywhoo, i went to my favorite store in the whole world besides target. i got some sandalwood, jasmine, and coconut incense, some dark grey beads, and of course my usual black beads. my new anklet has dark grey beads. i have to get some more bead cord so i can make some more. i have a thing for anklets. i saw this cute indian necklace that i want soooooo bad. it had the belly chain to match....i dont do the belly chain thing but i was feelin that necklace. usually i dont like anything around my neck but it was so cute. ima cop it one day along with the jimi hendrix door beads i saw. lately, a lot of women have been interested in me. for so long, i thought that no one would be attracted to my personality. im mad weird to most people so i intimidate them to a degree. im not used to gettin all this attention. its cool tho. i need to get used to it cuz im goin to be famous one day. well, i need to go rinse my hair...im not feelin this jet black anymore....im feelin red again. peace, love, and soooouuuuulllllllllllllll.
As Always Prolific at 4:36 PM