Reflections......So many thoughts running through my head at one time. Friends....how many of us have them? I am blessed that I have a friend that I can tell anything to at anytime of the day. I know your mate is supposed to be like your best friend but hell, who are you going to vent about them to? That's where my best friend comes in. Its strange...We've never met in person but I know I can trust her with my thoughts. That in itself is deep. I haven't met too many people in my lifetime that I actually trusted like I trust her. If we don't talk to each other for 2 weeks....Its cool because we both know that we have periods of time where we don't want to talk to anybody. True friendship is rare and I thank the most high I've experienced it. Artiste, you are my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Thank you for being here for me. Next...self love. I think about it all the time....How many people really, truly, love themselves. I cant raise my hand. Sometimes, my actions don't reflect self love. I do soooo many things to effect my mental as well as my physical. If you love yourself, you don't do things to harm yourself. Knowing the dangers of smoking and you still smoke, you are intentionally harming yourself so does that reflect self love? If you give your body food that you know isn't good for you.....Do you really love yourself? I don't reflect self love in the least. After I got out of the shower, I stood in front of the HUGE mirror in front of the sink and came to a revelation.....I've been so busy loving other people that I forgot to love myself. I stared at myself for about 15 minutes....the dark circles around my eyes that I try so hard to cover up...I've bought bleaching cream to try to make them fade but of course they are still here. A doctor told me they come from my allergies. Why haven't I accepted them...looked at them as if they are just a part of me? My lips that for a long time I thought were too full. Lips that have been appreciated by may but not by me. The lips I bite when I'm thinking. I smiled at myself and saw the slight gap between my front teeth....and I wondered why I don't smile more than I do? Maybe because I think I need braces. I moved down to the girls....as big as they are they should be called the 2 grown womyn. I'm the only one in my immediate family that isn't bottom heavy. I'm top heavy with thick thighs and a lil booty. My tummy that I absolutely despise....its funny how I couldn't even stare at it for a minute before I got tears in my eyes. I remember when it was damn near flat and I screamed when I saw my first stretch mark on it. Now, its covered. I feel uncomfortable being naked around anybody. Before it got big, something happened to me that I rarely talk about and probably wont write about. Maybe its still here due to the fact that I haven't gotten over that incident. Maybe once I let it go...it will leave. From there I looked at my thighs which I think are too damn flabby right now but they are still sexy as hell...Down to my feet that are busted and in need of a pedicure ASAP. For as long as I can remember, I haven't liked the way I looked. There was always a complaint...nothing ever positive came outta my mouth regarding my appearance. I'm 25 years young and things haven't changed. I'm my worst critic and since everything starts in your mind...I tend to get my mind right. I plan to first, get my mind right....start dealing with issues that I have been afraid to deal with. I plan to be on this earth for a long time...I cant have my fears, stress, past issues effect my mind which in turn, will effect my body. I'm ready to live my life and finally fall in love with me. In a minute....peace and overstanding....prolific out.

the real black sheep.....i wonder how much of my thoughts i can type before its time for me to go back to work. right now i feel.....lonely. i only feel that way occasionally because as everybody already knows, i enjoy my own company more than anybody elses. maybe its because today, im more irritable than usual i feel like being babied a little bit. im at the complaint desk at work today so that automatically puts me in a piss poor mood. i have heard so much dumb ish today that i just want to go somewhere and DRINK. liquor would be nice but unfortunately i dont have any. when i go home i want to eat my sandwich from sheetz, take a bubble bath, and be easy until i calm down. i dont know whats bothering me so much....whats making me so damn angry....all i know is, im ready to scream at the top of my lungs. my brother's girlfriend is on medication now because she is officially bi-polar. i laughed at first but then i thought...damn, could i have some chemical imbalance that makes me wanna cuss everybody who either invades my personal space or says something stupid?? mental illness is one of my fears. everybody jokes about being crazy as hell but gets a little shook when it could be true. i dont ever want to have to take a pill to keep me from spazzin out. i dont want to be dependent on anything to maintain my sanity. hell, i dont want to be dependent on anything at all. ok...my time is up. in a minute...peace and sanity....prolific out.

swiftly....this has been a long week, praise the most high....today is finally friday. im off this weekend and after a head busting headache, being on medication for my sinuses that makes me dizzy, dealing with inane people at work....i need a break. i plan to make this weekend GRAND. i am going shopping, getting my toes done, experimenting with my hair (im tired of this fro yall), and getting some well deserved rest. so if you call and i dont answer, dont be mad....im doing me. next...i realized this week that my life could be soooo much worse than what it is. i could be an unemployed mother with bad heathen kids, broke all the friggin time, have a chemical imbalance that makes me spaz out in 1.8 milliseconds, have an incurable disease called ignorance....but im not. my life isnt so damn bad. i have a good job...living comfortably....sane when im not at work....physically and mentally disease free, no kids, and im smarter than your average chic. how ya luh dat? *blowin kisses at myself, catching them, and putting them on my face*. aight, thats enough. in a minute...peace and love....prolific.

white turns to gray 2.....random thoughts......she makes me FEEL...makes me feel human...free to giggle..free to be freaky (lmao)...free to expose the scars left from this life ive lived...she is adamant...determined....she WILL be the soothing cure for scars left from past loves and there will no longer be me but us. she will be my liberation...my escape from this emotinal tomb i exist in....she will be more than some ol fake ass blackplanet wife after 2 weeks shit...more than some chic that fucked me with no emotion, no passion, no love, leaving me with nothing a heart devoid of emotion, mental frustration,and an unsatisfied cooch. nah, she wants to be above average, superior, the queen of my heart...the conqueror of my insensitivity and brashness...she wants to convert me into a believer of love. she makes me angry i never appreciated the art of kissing...my lips only used for forming words and orgasms...she makes me angry my hands dont reach miles away, i ache to feel her skin...i want to inhale that bittersweet scent of her arousal...i want her hips to whine on my face like im her jamaican tune and my tongue will lead to her redemption...her freedom from woes this life she lives weighs upon her...she makes me angry that my heart has boundaries built by years of sadness....its not easy lovin me...but its even harder for me to open my heart to love. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.