saving myself......loneliness has found me again, wrapped her arms around me, and has kept me cold most of the day. i find myself not saying too many words but having more thoughts than i can count. i express my deepest feelings in my journal.....im being a little selfish but people dont need to know everything...ill just give them a little taste. speaking of tastes....i have a taste for pizza...a pizza with chicken and a lot of veggies. ive been thinking about going vegetarian again. my body feels....polluted. the only thing is...i have a strange fetish for the mcdonalds dollar menu and chitlins. i havent eaten at mcdonalds since i left her. im not afraid to say that i miss her a little more than i should. im not afraid to say that i am afraid of the feelings that i have for her. being open scares me. right now she is at my mother's house sleeping in my bed and for the first time in 3 weeks, i have felt calmness. i worry about her a lot but now that i know she is safe, im cool. i havent felt the urge to write, mainly because i dont have anything to say. im fine...just dont feel like writing. ill holla when i do. in a minute....peace and salvation.....cream out.

miss exotic.......i feel good....migraine is under control...it doesnt hurt as bad as it did...its tolerable. last night, i couldnt sleep. i just had so much on my mind...so many emotions running through me at 1 time...i couldnt get my mind to be easy for a minute so i could get some shut eye. i called ty at 5 am in tears. like i said, so much was going on at 1 time....i needed to talk to her. we talked until 7:30. our convo isnt entirely finished because i wrote her an e-mail before i talked to her...basically voicing a lot of things that had been on my mind that i wanted to tell her, but i couldnt put into words. im not good at expressing myself verbally....give me a pen and paper and ill express myself beautifully. anyways, i feel a lot better now. when we got off the phone, i finally went to sleep for about 3 hours. i got up, took a shower, and got dressed. we had a job fair here so i had to get dressed up...well not too dressed up but more dressed up than i am normally. i rocked a red and black poncho, black capri's with the cuffs, and black 4 inch slides. i looked damn cute if i say so myself. anyway, i filled out maaad applications. i was filling out one at the bath and body works table and one of the ladies said...."you look like someone". i was like....alrighty then. well, the girl beside me said...."she looks like jill scott." now, i think jill scott is beautiful but i dont look like her. the only things we have in common are our natural hair, our complexion, and our thickness. thats it. so, they go on and on about "my look". one lady said i have an "exotic" look....whateva that means. i look like my damn self. well, my look must have impressed them because i have an interview next week. yaaayyyy me. then, i got a money order from my father. can u believe that shit? surprised the hell out of me. when i called him to tell him about it, he told me that he put another one in the mail. i dont know whats gotten into him...but whateva it is, i like it. its about time he's doing something for me besides getting on my nerves. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

migraine moments.....my head and neck feels like somebody just drop kicked me. for the past couple of days, my head has been killin me. the last time i had migraines like this....i was in connecticut. i was having one almost every week. well, dammit, they're baaaaack. my migraines laugh at tylenol and advil. nothing will make it go away but sleep and when it hurts to close your eyes...its hard to sleep. hopefully, it'll go away soon. next...i was having a conversation with my buddy 2gizzle about being "deep". people automatically assume that just because im a poet or because i have natural hair that im supposed to be "deep" all the time. like everything that comes out of my mouth is supposed to be prolific and have some kind of deep ass meaning or just because certain people inspire me and i am aware of a lot of causes (mumia, assata shakur, the AIDS epidemic in africa, etc) that im just so damn revolutionary and deep. well, sorry to disappoint ya...but uhhhh...it aint that deep. i read a lot, therefore i am aware of a lot. i suggest everyone find a cause or something to believe in. believe in something and dammit know something besides the latest person 50 cent is beefin with. know whats going on around you. knowledge is free....check ya public library. i dont find deep meanings in shit all the time....surface value is cool with me sometimes. i am a poet...but that doesnt mean that i write all the time. i write when i damn feel like it. is all my work prolific....hell no. sometimes i write straight garbage in my opinion...sometimes i write poetry that licks ya mind. depends on the day. what im trying to get at is....just because i believe in something....just because i am a writer that happens to have natural hair....just because i listen to john coltrane and spit at open mic.....doesnt mean that i am not human. im not "deep" all the time and anyone who is....smh....needs a reality check. everything isnt deep. next....my niece just turned 3 years old. it seems like yesterday that she was just a little baby that had funky diapers that made me gag. now she is a big girl....riding her little bike with training wheels, picking out her clothes, ordering her own food...yeah mayn...she's doing all that at 3. when i left home, i knew i was going to miss her more than anything. i miss her yelling for me to hold her hand while she gets her hair done, her playing on my computer, watching boobahs (zing zing zing-bah is my favorite)....i really miss my baby. she makes me want to have a child of my own. most high willing, i will conceive a child after i graduate. next....i talked to my mom today and she said "some girl called for you last night." im like....who in the hell called my mom's house because everybody i talk to, calls one of my cell phones. why in the hell did jonette call me??? just in case yall dont remember....that was the ex after tia. smh. i dont know what possessed her to call me, but im glad my mother didnt give out my number. exes are exes for a reason....not saying you shouldnt have anything to do with your exes...but damn, if they have made it clear that they dont want to have anything to do with you.....keep it movin. im cordial with all of my exes besides her. anyway...my migraine is gettin a little better. im gonna try to catch up on all the sleep ive lost. in a minute....peace....cream out.

she says...dont be.....dont cha just love insomnia??? while everyone that i know is sleeping in their beds...all snuggled up in their blankets and shit...im wide awake posting because i cant sleep. smh. shit, i dont have anything to do tomorrow so i might as well stay up all night so i can sleep all day tomorrow. i need a job ASAP before i lose more than sleep. next....this may be tmi...but this is my blog dammit. i am sexually frustrated. i have the case of the "long distance relationship hornies". i need to be touched....i need her fingers lightly touchin my face when i go to sleep. i miss the way she smells....the way her skin feels....the way she whispers my name and tells me she loves me even when she's sleep....i miss being together. *sigh* next month seems so far away. next...happy 2nd bornday to my blog. i cant believe its been 2 years. ive been through so much in the past 2 years and i have most of it to read here. there have been times when i thought puttin myself out here....letting people get a glimpse of my life and my feelings was a bad idea. the good outweigh the bad tho. writing is my passion and i think my blog reflects that somewhat. spank you very much to everybody that takes the time to read what i have to say *cough* even if yall dont comment *cough*. next...last night i had the pleasure of speaking with artiste. our conversations are....interesting to say the least. i wasnt feeling too hot and she put a lot of things that i was thinking about in perspective. she thinks that she knows me a lot less than what she does. true, we've never met in person but yo...ive been conversing with her for 2 years. she has learned a lot about me in that time. little does she know...she's one of my closest friends. muahhhzzz. next...someone left some fucked up comment about my blog...to them i say, fuck u with a rusty spoon. if ya dont like my blog, dont read it. keep it movin...get on like ya been shit on. i think sleep is callin me....in a minute....peace....cream out.

insomnia.....the time is now 4:53 am....and uhhh...im still awake. i got off the phone with my girl about an hour ago....i had just fallen asleep and i was dreamin about when we were in the park with the peaches and she.....anyway, the fuckin fire alarm went off. damn damn damn damn damn. i got up...reached for my keys and my phone (who the hell am i gonna call at 4 am???) and walked down the 6 flights of stairs on the fire escape. *sigh* it was cold as hell....im outside wearin a hoodie and boy cut shorts....freezin. they didnt let our asses back in until now. from what peeps were sayin...some stupid ass drunk bitch pulled the fire alarm. smh....if i knew which drunk bitch it was (there were about 5 out there)...i woulda kicked her in the damn throat. so now, im sittin here wide the hell awake. NEXT....my girl is back at school...finally. since im on the topic of my girl....miss prototype as i like to call her....im ready to reveal the mystery. everybody that knows me, knows who she is. well, almost everybody. i kept her identity a secret to protect someone's feelings. now, i say fuck it. remember the chic i was chillin with alllllll summer???? she took me to body camp, to the lake with the mutated catfish, held me when i cried, stimulated my mind, took care of me when i was sick as hell....her name is ty. so, now ya know. ya feel special now? anyway, what the hell was i sayin...oh yeah, ty is back at school. she's coming here in october and dammit i cant wait. it feels like its been forever since ive seen her. i guess its because we were always together over the summer....we basically lived together. she would go back to body camp once or twice a week....if that. if someone saw me, they saw her on one side of me and frannie fresh on the other side. we were like the 3 musketeers....lmao. those are my buddies...the chics that i feel the most comfortable around. now, im by my lonely. next...enough about that...i need a damn job. the job search starts today....at 1...cuz i damn sho aint gettin up before then. im going to try to work at the place i was working at last year. if not, i dont know what im going to do but i know ima have a damn job by the end of the month. oh yeah....my blog's 2nd birthday. hit up that wishlist dammit and show da queen some love. ok dammit...i need to attempt to sleep again. i hope my dream picks up where it left off. in a minute....peace homegirls and homeboys....cream of your wet dreams.....out.

cloud 8.5........im sick. i know nobody likes to be sick but dammit.....i despise it. my nose is stopped up and my throat and ribs are sore. i hope i get over this crap soon. i walked to the womyn's health office and they gave me a bag full of cold medicine. today im going to go get some orange juice and some more cold medicine for the next time i get sick...cuz it happens at least twice a year. next....i have been looking at stuff for my business for the past week. im excited as hell to say the least. i have a good feeling about it. there are so many things to do. i am giong to start off with 5 fragrances...3 for womyn and 2 unisex (for the womyn who dont want to smell "girly"). ill post more info on everything as it progresses. next....ive been kinda lonely for the past week. its hard getting used to not seeing my girl almost everyday. im just starting to get used to not sleeping with her. im used to her big head on my breasts and hearing her snoring. she is going back to school for fall semester and then she is transferring here in the spring. im kinda stressed about the whole grad school. i know i want to go but im nervous that i wont get in. pessimistic.....i know. i havent taken the GRE yet.....that bitch costs $115 each time you take it. im trying to take it 1 time....$115 is a lot for a damn test. smh. miss p keeps encouraging me and im glad to have her as my little cheerleader...lol. me and artiste have FINALLY started talking again. i missed her convos....thats my buddy. actually, everybody in my space is rooting for me. thank yall for bein here for me...muahhhzz. i really dont have anything to talk about so im out. in a minute....peace....cream out.