lesson learned.....im wide awake when im tired as hell but for some reason i cant sleep. i got up and got online and read my horoscope for today. it said "It's time to make love work now that Venus is moving through your sign. Fortunately, happiness is possible as long as you don't expect a miracle. This is not a time for frivolous or childish romance. Instead, focus your attention on the practical side of relationships. It's better to sustain your feelings than to have them overwhelm you and quickly pass. hmmmm, i say. i dont know how to feel about my breakup. its been a week so its still fresh. so many different feelings at one time. the biggest one is relief. im hurt but im aight. nah, im more than aight...im great. its weird. ive never felt like this before in my life. You cut me deep bitch, cut me like surgery. And I was too proud to admit that it was hurtin' me. I'd never do that to you, at least purposely. We breakin' up again, we makin' up again.... ive never been hurt like this before in my life. it is like getting stabbed and having the knife twisted over and over but then finally getting the strength to pull the knife out and tend to the wound. ive cleaned up the wound but its far from being healed. i get lonely, especially at night. i cry, sometimes until i fall asleep. sometimes its just a tear here and there. i try to keep myself busy so that i dont have time to think about it. most of the time, it doesnt work. i have cleaned my room throughly, organized my drawers, files on my computer, and my closet tho. think ive done all of those things at least 3 times now. valentines day is coming up and it sucks being single for 3 valentines days in a row. thats life tho. you never know what tomorrow will bring or even if you will be here to see it. having health issues for the past month has opened my eyes. i just gotta keep it movin and LIVE each day...love more, laugh more, learn more. i still believe in love. like i always say, just because you have a nightmare doesnt mean you stop dreamin. i will still love with every cell in my body. i will still love passionately, like its the first time. i will still i still believe that my neo is out there. maybe she just isnt ready for me or maybe im not ready for her. at this point, im just lettin things be. ....I love you and hate you at the very same time. See what I want so much should never hurt this bad. Never did this before, that's what the virgin says. We've been generally warned, that's what the surgeon says. God talk to me now, this is an emergency......in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

trainspotting part deux.....the night before last, my side felt like somebody was stabbing me. its happened before. doctor didnt know why it happened, just gave me some pain medicine and an antibiotic and sent me on my way. im a strong believer in what ever happens to you, whether its good or bad, happens for a reason. while i was laying in my bed dealing with that damn pain, i just started thinking. ive been bummed out for a while now. started way before the new year. i have been thinking about what i need to do for myself. first of all, i need to give some people that have a seat in front row of my life an eviction notice. not everybody is meant to be in the front row. especially when they arent adding anything positive to my life. i will be 27 on tuesday, most high willing. ive wasted too much time being unhappy. it has been a big lesson that i believe ive learned. things dont make you happy. people dont make you happy. sex doesnt make you happy. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. its taken me so fuggin long to grasp that concept. ive been so fuggin responsible for other people's happiness that i became irresponsible when it came to my own. so, if you arent adding something positive to my life, im officially cutting you off. i choose happiness. in a minute....peace and happiness....prolific out.