peace of mind...2 glowin candles and a spliff.......it’s rained every day since she left. I guess the weather is a direct reflection of my feelings. I don’t cry....I just feel like a part of me is missing. I have been serenaded by Marvin, Curtis, Lenny, Gladys, Billie, Stevie, Celia, Chaka, and Roberta all day. They sing me to sleep...make me dance...keep me going through the day. I have talked to a lot of people in the past 2 days. Yesterday, I went to Walmart and guess who came up behind me and hugged me? My fuckin ex. I elbowed the hell out of him. That’s another reason why I don’t like being here….I really don’t feel like being bothered and every where I go someone seems to want to talk to me. I don’t want to talk….I want to get my shit and do what I got to do. Dammit leave me alone!!! He was tellin me how good I looked....mannn...I didn't need him to tell me that. Bama ass bama. Cream called me today….it was a pleasant surprise. I miss the conversations we used to have. That’s my brother from a different mother. Yesterday, I talked to Dawn too. I always feel good after I talk to her….she has positive energy (she tells me the same thing). We were talking about our futures and she told me “Cream, you are a star…the world just has to find out.” I got all teary eyed. the world is going to find out….its going to take a little time….but it is going to happen and when it does….damn yo.....im anxious. im hungry as hell......i need some food. in a minute...peace....cream out.

blah blah blah.......i wish i was doing something besides nothing. this is the most boring place in the world....to me. its not like nothing is goin on.....there is....its just things are going on that i dont choose to be involved in. its raining....i feel real sluggish. i slept until 11...i was on the phone until 2:30 am...listenin and relating to a friend's issues. it seems like everybody is callin me now....da kid feels loved. im worried about one of my friends.....she probably knows who she is without me sayin her name....ya need to call me yo. we need to talk. im worried about you. next...a friend of mine and i are goin to have a little get together....nothin really big...just 5 people. im all excited. its goin to be nice to be in the company of fam. we have a lot of catchin up to do. next....im goin to see my grandmother this weekend. i hope she doesnt bug me and ask me 50 billion questions cuz i am really not in the mood yo. i love her to death but i just want to chill.....be left alone. im actually a little excited cuz im goin to fix my aunt's comp. there is something about computers....maybe i should have been a computer science major. oh well....too late now. i refuse to start all over. criminal justice is what it is....computer science will come later. when i leave this earth, ill probably have a couple of degrees in addition to my doctorate. da kid loves to learn. yo....i feel the sudden urge to do housework.....im bored as hell. in a minute....peace.....cream out.

alone......well, im home and she's gone. before she left, i cried like i knew i would. nothin could prepare me for the way i felt when i kissed her for the last time for 2 months. i just know i have to stay focused til october 1st. next....home is, home. aint shit changed. i still feel like i dont have a home...this aint mine and its become more and more obvious that its not. this is just the place i was raised and the place my fam lives. nothing more, nothing less. when i move into my own place, its goin to be one of the happiest days of my life. just to know that its mine and i dont have to clean up after anybody else and i dont have to answer the phone or get off the phone or listen to anybody's shit cuz dammit its mine....is goin to be so wonderful. next....da kid has gained weight. i dont gain weight anywhere but my damn gut. i am goin to start doin some things so i can minimize this gut of mine that gets on my nerves....i need a change. next....the whole time i have been home, my dog has been following me around. im beginning to think that she is the only one that appreciates my presence. she looks at me like i am the queen of the universe. thats my baby tho....i luh her ass. next...woo told me that she likes it when i am in a good mood......shit, who doesnt. i just cant be cheery all the damn time....at least not right now. i have so much on my mind.....a lot more than i choose to tell people, so i cant be all peachy all the time. people always say that. yall think about this...have you contributed something to my mind or my spirit to inspire me to smile???? if not....dammit hush. next....this damn dial up thing is gettin on my nerves. dammit, i hate dial up but its goin to have to do for a month. its a part of my struggle. one day i will sit back and laugh at all this.....one day i will have what i need and most of what i want......i kow that day will be soon. btw....thanks for the love in the tagboard and the notes.....yall just dont know how much its appreciated. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

70 days........today is the day i have dreaded for 2 months......we hit the road at 5. i get tears in my eyes just thinking about leaving. this has been a learning experience....yall already know that. ive packed my stuff, now all i have to do is wash my hair and get dressed. anyway...(im gettin teary eyed), she is goin to stay with me for a couple of days. im goin to show her everything that i couldnt show her the first time she came to see me. the next time i post....i will be at my mother's house. she called me this morning, all excited.....im excited too in a way but im really not looking forward to the drama and the issues that come with being there. i already know that i am goin to be on the phone with woo all the time......just to keep my sanity. next.....i havent talked to a lot of people in my circle...mainly because i am not online that much. i miss my friends.....i hope they miss me. when i get back to my mother's house.....ill be able to call them FOR FREE. free long distance is a wonderful thing. yo...the clock is tickin...i need to get dressed......peace cream out.

in a minute.......i debated on deleting my last post all night. should i....shouldnt i? well, my conclusion is, im not. as much as i try not to write about me and her....i do. i write whats in my heart and my love for her is there along with a million other things. 3 days til i leave connecticut. i am shook. i have slept in her bed for 2 months. im used to her pulling me close to her while she sleeps and her snoring in my ears. im used to holding her locs when i sleep. im used to rubbing her stomach and giving her insulin. im used to pampering her when she doesnt feel good. im used to being with her. it will be at least 2 and a half months *insha'allah* til i see her again. when she leaves me this time, things will be much different than when she left me march. in march, it was the first time we met in person and it was only a weekend. my feelings for her are much stronger than they were then. we have been through so much. next.....my mother is excited about me comin back. i miss her, but i dont miss home. like i said before, its a toxic place for me. im glad that i will be seeing my brother and my niece. my niece is gettin so damn big. she makes me want to have a baby......not until i am 24 tho. next....im glad that i go back to school in a month. i am goin to hurry up and graduate so i can establish myself.....make my dreams reality. love is callin.......peace cream diga out.

to you aka creams ramblings part trois.......my hands are shakin...i can barely type...i can barely see...my eyes filled with tears. you are downstairs, basically because you dont want to listen. the relationship i had with her is past tense, you of all people should know that. i have told you over and over again about how we were and why we are no more. its over and never will be again. she is the past, you are my present and *insha'allah* my future. if it bothers you, i am willing to step back from the situation. im not sayin i wont be her friend....i just wont talk to her as much as i do. i know if the tables were turned, i would feel the same way. all i ask is that you do the same for me. as far as last night, i answered every question that i heard, i put that on everything i love.....i wasnt iggin you. next....when something is on your mind, let me know. you walkin around not talkin to me doesnt help the situation. how am i supposed to understand if i dont know whats wrong? how can i correct a problem that i dont even know exists? you dont know how much it hurts me when you just walk by me, like im a piece of furniture. like right now, i went to talk to you cuz i knew something was wrong by the way you were acting....i came to you and you wouldnt even look at me. that shit hurt me. it made me feel like i was just a chair or just a lamp. made tears come to my eyes....thats why i walked away. i wont let you see me cry anymore. i just want to be happy with you...like when we first laid eyes on each other. minus all the attitudes and all the bullshit and all the tears. just us, happy. i try my hardest to create a positive space for the both of us to dwell in together. i am givin this my all....everything in me and even some shit that aint. my eyes are burning.....eyes have had enough......peace...cream out.

freewriting.......eyes fixed on the ceiling...watchin the moon...sleep is not here...but you are...coupled but singled....in my soul....comes....this cravin...this need...that envelopes me...makes me need to be closer to you...to feel your heart on my fingertips...hear it whisper my name...and embed it into my mind...your hands slide from my hips to cupping my breasts...i arch my back...my nails rip yours...your tongue moves across my nipples...your kisses make me slightly delusional...i want you...tears fall...my feelins elusive to you...wanting you to ease this persistant pain....this throbbing i have from the core of my soul......to be loved. copyright (c) all rights reserved. peace.....cream out.

unexpressed frustrations.......im not home yet....will be there **insha'allah** on wednesday. im a little excited cuz so much has changed since i last saw my fam..not just with me, with them too. im goin to miss my girl...she gets on my damn nerves sometimes but i am goin to miss her ass. as soon as i get home, im gettin a job so i can save money to do the shit that i really need to do. i need to buy school shit and a train ticket to connecticut for october. i have learned a lot about myself since i have been here. im goin back to va, a different person. next....i havent written a poem in about 3 weeks. i have a severe case of writer's block. its not that i am not inspired...its just when i pick up my pen, it doesnt move. hopefully, it will come back soon cuz i miss writing....startin to feel like a fish out of water. my creativity has been flowing so maybe thats why i havent been writing. i have so many ideas....so much shit that i am goin to do and make and learn.....damn. i know this is a short post.......but i have some shit on my mind that i need to get straight. peace........cream out.

back to me......its been a minute....i find myself not writing in here as often as i used to. at one point, i wrote everyday. i just dont feel the need to write here if nothin is goin on. i get tired of writing the same shit. anyway, this week has been aight. me and woo went shoppin...copped some shoes and and an echo bag. we went to a casino too....i realized that i am not a gambler. when i dont win, i get salty as hell. i had fun watchin her win tho. next.....im lookin forward to working when i get home. i wont have to be around my mother's boyfriend...yay. plus, ther are some things that i want to do and get. im goin to make a list and as i do things, ill cross them out. it will be a link so yall can see. its goin to be kinda long so its goin to take me a minute. next.....i go back to my mother's house on friday. not really looking forward to it. that place is so damn toxic to me. all i plan to do is work, shop, and i might go to the club occasionally. other than that, i dont want to have any interaction with natives. next....me not havin a place to call home has been on my mind a lot lately. i used to try not to think about it but now, i cant help but think about it. its makin me work 100 times harder to establish my own shit. some place where i feel welcome and i dont feel like an outsider. some place that is mine.

hot pearl c……I have so much on my mind…this might be a long post so get a snack and something to sip on. A lot of things have triggered deep thought today. First, my job. Yo, I work for peanuts. I work my ass off and I can’t do anything I need to do with the money I make….its not even putting a dent in my list of needs. Like I said before, I wont have work study next year. I am trying not to be stressed but I cant help but be. I was planning on getting a job anyway but that’s not the point. Now it’s mandatory…I cant survive without one. I know I cant think about what other people have or what they do….cuz its not going to change shit but its just so fucked up that I have no help whatsoever. I have helped soooo many people my whole life and what have I gotten for it? Not a damn thing. I have sacrificed for others and I have not gotten anything out of it. Sometimes not even a thank you. Now where are ya’ll when I need ya’ll? ****Silence**** That’s what I thought. I’ve made it by myself thus far, shit ain’t changing now. Next, I had a conversation with Dawn when I came home from work. She told me something that really stuck with me…..she said “Do what makes you happy. Go where you want to go. Don’t live for someone else….live your life for you. ” Writing is my passion….I live, I breathe…..I even eat words. This criminal justice thing….is what it is. Don’t get me wrong, I like criminal justice. I just don’t believe that it is my calling. It’s my hustle. My talent is writing. Writing is what I like to do. I am going to work at this writing thing so I can pimp my words. I know that is my gift and I am going to give it my all….it’s time I master my craft. Dawn is my buddy and an inspiration. She’s that little voice of encouragement that I need. Third, my sides have been hurting all day. Every time I breathe, it hurts. I need a bubble bath, a deep tissue massage, and a cup of hot chocolate (yeah, I know its summer but if I turn on the AC you cant tell). I started writing a poem today about myself. It felt weird writing about myself but the shit just flowed. It starts out “I am the result of loneliness and vulnerability”. I was flowing until I had to start making breakfast at work….grrrrrrrr. Tired of being interrupted…my thoughts left unexpressed. Even though I have all this crap on my mind, I am anxious to go back to school. I need to be in an environment where I can flex my mental muscles. Plus, school is where I can truly be free….its my comfort zone. Enough writing for now, I need to go to bed. Peace and passion….cream out.

brand new........i was gettin ready for bed and felt the urge to write. so here i am. like the new layout??? that pic inspired me. marc baptiste is a beast!!!! let me know whatcha think. next....my 4th was aight.....missed my fam a little. yesterday, me and woo had the whole house to ourselves. we actually needed that. i go home in 2 weeks and im really not looking forward to it. i have noticed that i am at my best when i am alone....no fam, no girl, just me. today, i called the financial aid office to discover that i dont have work study next year. in a way, i am upset cuz im goin to miss it but on the other hand maybe its a sign that i need to move on to bigger and better things. i was planning on gettin a job when i got to school, now i know i am going to have to. next....a wave on nonchalance has come over me. im startin not to give a damn about anything unrelated to me. maybe, it will keep me stress free. next....i finally know how to cornrow. taught myself.....watched people for the longest and just tried it. people have tried to teach me....i cant learn that way. i have to do it myself.....without help. stubborn ass cream.....yeah i know. cream is gettin sleepy....ill holla lata. peace and red kool aid........cream out.

comfort zone.......i went to the ny pride parade on sunday. i had soooooo much fun. even met ja rule....*hmmmm*.....anyway, it was nice to be around peeps like me. me and woo walked hand and hand most of the time. it was cool to kiss in public without people staring at us like we were from pluto. i felt hella comfortable. we went to the pier.....mannn, if you have a denver nuggets throwback.....BURN IT. everybody and their momma had one on....and them damn jersey dresses. everybody looked the same. no individuality whatsoeva. chics were half naked....lookin like hookas. i felt like a queen amongst scallywags. i rocked a beige linen shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and some sandals. i rocked my fro too. i dyed my hair blonde the day before so it was bright as hell. me and woo stood out.....*evil laugh* to make the long story short, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. ny is so damn big....i wouldnt live there but i like it. that city will see me again when i make it. next....i have been feelin like everybody is treatin me like a kid.....like im a damn baby. im really hatin it yo. first of all, everybody in my circle knows that i DO NOT like bein told what to do...you can make suggestions, but dont eva tell me what to do. i am a grown ass womyn dammit. i admit, im stubborn and hard headed....love me or leave me the fuck alone. if you dont like me the way i am.....STEP.....simple solution. anyway, they treat me like i dont know what the fuck im doin alllll the time...truth be told, i have only been on this earth for 22 years but dammit i have been through much more than the average 22 year old. i listen to the advice that my elders give me but yo....when i feel like they are treatin me like a child....my ears are closed. i have 1 mother and 1 father....and neither one tells me what to do....they know and respect the fact that i am grown. so i damn sho aint gon let nobody tell me what to do. let me do me yo. next....july 1st, a day of new beginnings, at least for me. some changes are goin to occur...im not tellin what they are....just know that da kid is evolving. the blonde hair is just the beginning. peace and fried chicken wings........cream out.