ne me quitte pas....my day started at 2 am. me and woo had an argument.....a bad one. after thinking about the whole situation long and hard, i have come to this. i am dealing with a lot within myself. i am fighting the inner demons that are trying to take over me. i have dealt with so much bullshit in my life, been through, seen, and felt so much. contrary to what people may think, i am not depressed. da kid just has a lot of shit on her mind. so the times i seem distant or i am real quiet...i am thinking. by the way...if anotha mofo asks me why i dont smile......i dont smile simply because i dont have to. not that i dont have anything to smile about, i am somewhat healthy, im alive, im living......i just dont choose to outwardly smile. my soul smiles all the time...my mind giggles.....my heart sings. i am just not one to smile...and if by chance you see me smile, know that more than likely its a reflection of yours. anywhoo, back to the topic, i have been through a lot......i have days that i feel crappy...some days i feel peachy. right now, my relationship with my mother is dwindling down to nothing. her man is home so she doesnt have time for me. it hurts me but i have to remember that i am 22 years old....i am not a baby anymore. i am getting ready to go home...home is not where i grew up or where i go on holidays....home is in connecticut with my girl. she is trying so hard to make me feel better...i just dont think she can relate because she has never been where i am right now. so, i always tell her she doesnt understand how i feel. she tries tho. i love her so much...so much more than she realizes. i know this is mad short but gotta take my ass to work so i can buy my books for summer school...ill holla. cream out.

vanity 6.......i havent felt like writing. really, i havent felt like doin much of anything. yesterday, diallo got me out of this damn room...almost had to drag me out....we went to charleston. its about 45 minutes away. mayn, to be the capitol, this shit looked like my hometown and my hometown is small as hell. the only thing that was different, was they had a big ass mariott downtown. what i found weird was....when we went to the hood, why in the fuck was there a cadillac dealership right in the middle of that bitch?? like a constant reminder of shit that most people in the hood will never see....unattainable because they simply cant afford it. i was lookin for a popeyes...i luh popeye's chicken, dirty rice, and biscuits. yummm. i didnt find one tho. guess ill have to wait til i get to ct. we went to a sex shop too. yo, i have neva seen sooo much kinky, nasty, shit. saw fake pussies....they had little open spaces on the packages so you could feel the texture of them. none of them felt like pussy to me. i saw blow up animals....pigs and sheep. anything you could think about was in that store. i had to hold in laughin......soo much shit in that store will make you giggle. its funny how people wont look at you in the eyes in that store....goin to the nasty sto aint nothin to be ashamed of dammit. if you wanna buy a plastic full size fist, some whips, a 40 oz of astroglide, and a blow up chic.....do what u do. next...i have an issue. sometimes, i want to sit and vibe about poetry or politics or astronomy...shit, something with some substance. my conversation doesnt consist of deep shit all the time.....i am not one of those people that cant talk about simple shit. its just sometimes, i wanna have an intellectual conversation. i need my mind stroked. its not starvin...i make sure i feed it...sometimes i think it overeats and gives me a headache....shit, i just wanna know stuff. i want to expand my mind....see how much knowledge i can acquire. i feel like am the only one tho....i always have. always felt different cuz i would much rather go to a museum than a jay-z concert, stay home and write than go to an open mic night, be by myself than in a room full of people, listen than talk.....that list goes on and on. i guess i have to accept the fact that i am different than the average and i have to entertain myself....mentally masturbate. fucked up...but true. now that my buddy artiste is graduating and has to turn in her computer....i dont know what i am goin to do. laaaaawd...what am i gon do??? i need to get some sleep...feel my eye swellin (damn pollen)....i have done enough writing fo one day. peep da 2 posts below....they are new as well. peace...cream dream out.

fuck ruby slippers.......i find myself....not wanting to talk to my fam. may sound strange, but i really dont. i mean, everytime we talk there is another issue. same shit, different toilet. its always drama, always problems. always something yo. ALWAYS. there is nothing pleasant....except my niece's giggle. my niece is my heart yo....she makes me want kids of my own. i am not lookin forward to going home...im goin to be there for a week, then i go to connecticut with woo....but i have to come back eventually. my ex used to tell me that i was a different person when i am at home....i agree. i am much more stressed at home. home is a place i am not lookin forward to. cream out.

random thoughts.......2 weeks and counting....i will be on my way home and then a week later, i will be on my way to connecticut. yo, its like all of a sudden....people are inviting me places and wanting to be around me all the time. anybody that knows me will tell you that i am slightly anti-social...well no....they'd say i am real anti-social. i agree...to a certain extent. i dont like being around a lot of people. i like being by myself. always have. people get on my nerves....i am very easily irritated. damn, i cant stop sneezin. shit. anyway, i am turnin down all invites...including the one to go to atl for the week....i need to stay here BY MYSELF and get some school work done. next week is the week of transition. i get bored very easily and its time for a new look. not feelin the one i have right now. i have an appointment to get my tattoos darkened. they have lightened up sooooo much yo. they are barely there. might get another one...heheh...if i have enough money, which i think i will. i gotta make a couple of moves and ill have a new tatt for the summer. wonder what ill get and wear ill get it....hmmmmmm, wouldnt you like to know. might fuck around and get a piercing ***evil laugh***. im dyin my hair blonde next wednesday. thats nothin new...i have done it like 5 times. the diff is....i am not goin to rinse my hair for the first 2 weeks. goin to read my book...feel inspired all of a sudden. cream out.

down to earth.....when i am in my room at night, loneliness creeps in. i just feel mad lonely at night. i am fine during the day. when the sun sets....i start wishin my girl was here with her head on my boobies. over spring break, she would lay her head on my boobies and hold me and about 5 minutes later, id hear her snorin. i miss sleepin on her locs (yeah they are that long). they smelled so good. damn yo. 27 days and ill be with her. next...friday, me and diallo went to the riverfront and to a big ass park after i got my blood taken and got my prescriptions. (results back this week) yo, the riverfront is sooo damn pretty. i sat next to the water, ate a chicken quesadilla, and sipped raspberry iced tea. i got a little tan too. i skipped around like a little kid....felt like a little girl again. next time i go, i have to take pictures. the park was pretty too...big as hell....it has a little creek running through it and a little bridge....looks kinda like something out of a fairy tale...damn i want to take sooo many pictures. im finding myself getting into photography a lot more. lookin at marc bapiste's "beautiful" and talkin to artiste has sparked something inside of me. i mean, i have always liked taking pictures.....always said "that would be a tight ass picture"....even leaned out of a 6 story window to take pictures of the moon. da kid has an eye....from what i know and from what i have heard. cant wait til i get my camera. next...my easter was ok. i wanted some damn ham but i didnt get any. *poutin* i talked to tia for about 2 hours. she is going through some things and needed to vent. i didnt mind cuz she doesnt call me with issues all the time. weird thing is, we are a lot closer than we were when we were together. thats my dawg. hopefully, when me and woo go to georgia, we can stop by and see her. i dont know if i could be in the same room with them....they both make me laugh til i get stomach cramps. i told tia that i would cook if i came there. that poor child is livin off of pasta salad and hamburger helper. *smh* her girl doesnt cook. im so glad my momma made sure i knew how to cook everything she does and made sure i knew how to follow a damn recipe. im tellin you, my girl is goin to gain weight when i come up there. i dont cook simple shit like spaghetti...well, sometimes, but i hook it up.....when i cook, i cook. im talkin bout hams, roasts, chicken (fried, baked, jerked, barbequed, or curried), jambalaya, homemade mac and cheese (not that box shit), fresh greens (glory aint got shit on me), potato salad, pies, cakes....you name it, i can cook it. da kid is a chef. miles is puttin me to sleep......goin to bed now....gotta get up early and run. peace.....creamadelic angel out.

peachey cream....i am in a good mood yo....besides the fact that my right eye is swollen and the left eye keeps itchin. last night, me and diallo went to ruby tuesday. i got lit yo. i drank a megarita with an extra shot of tequila. didnt eat anything....that drink filled me up. we drove over this bridge that goes to ohio....it is so damn pretty. it felt nice to feel wind blow through my hair and seein the ohio river. i appreciate the little things. doesnt take much to make me happy. then...i came home and cussed my father out. this bastid aint called in 3 months...called me...and said "hey". wtf you mean "hey". mayn, i cussed him out and hung up. felt good not to cry...not to be weak for a man that doesnt give a fuck about me and never really has....at least i cant tell it. the night i sat on my floor and waited for him to call back and he didnt was the final tic. i refuse to repeatedly put myself in a situation where i am gettin hurt. next...cream wrote me a letter. my mother read it to me when i talked to her today. im glad we are back in contact again....i missed my best friend. he understands me more than anyone else on the face of this earth and i understand him the same way. cream is my brotha from a different motha. i need to hurry up and write him back. next...is phone sex cheatin??? me and tia were debatin that today. well, i think it is...you are fantasizing about someone else....like artiste said "substituting verbal for physical". she said it wasnt...i believe it is. i would be highly pissed if woo had phone sex with another woman. pissed is actually puttin it mildly. i would be ready to cut a bitch. yo, dont know if its somethin in the water...but i have turned into a horny toad. i feel sorry for my girl cuz she gon be tired goin to work cuz we gon be doin da damn thang a lot. from what i hear, i have a very high sex drive.....im talkin bout doin it all day and only stoppin to take showers, pee, or get somethin to eat. my momma said that when i turn 40, *insha allah*, it will be worse. it seems like all i do..is think about sex. all day i....dream about...all day i...dream about sex. i mean, there are other things on my mind....those thoughts get interrupted by naughty thoughts. maybe thats why i have been kinda grumpy....i need some sex...some dirty....smack my booty...what's my name....type sex. some sex that requires me to take a damn nap after. i gotta go get my blood checked later on this morning...so i need to take my yella ass to sleep.....cream out.

on the #9 bus......i was up all night....couldnt sleep, barely could breathe. all i did was sneeze, sweat, drink water, and piss. me and woo had a discussion....right before i went to catch the bus. didnt really feel aight...had tears in my eyes while i sat on the bus stop. i pulled out an old bill and a pen from my pocketbook....here's what i wrote: "cream's rambling at the bus stop"........uncertainty drives me insane. i know you cant worry about things you can not control...im just realizing that i dont have as much control over things as i thought. its like the most high tapped me on the shoulder, stood in front of me, and opened my third eye. i am seeing a lot weakness in myself.....im realizing i am not as strong as i thought. when it comes to people i truly love, i am sensitive as hell. its like, when i care about someone or love them....i give them my all....150% of me. thats not always the right thing to do and i realize that i am exposing myself to hurt and disappointment by doin that. the fact remains that i am a nurturing woman....i am happy seeing the people i care about appreciate what i do for them and if they do for me....they do. i have never been a self-centered..."what have you done for me lately" kinda woman. thats not in me at all. i just need to put my nurturing on pause....get on my john deere....let someone nurture me for a change....see who nurtures me when i stop.....see who cares....and let the rodents and snakes be exposed. i am also seeing an abundance of strength in myself....im realizing i am not as weak as i thought. i have been through a whole lot in my 22 years...most people would be in a psycho ward....but i survived...each day is a reminder that i am a warrior...i was born fighting and ill probably die fighting. trust, i wont take anything layin down...im not a punk...i come at shit with my fists up and my mind ready....and best believe, when the smoke clears, i will be the last woman standing. so, all these things i deal with day to day are the most high's reminder to keep my fists up...keep landin them punches regardless of how tired i am....cuz once i let my hands down to rest....the issues win, the fight ends, and i die. next....i got 3 prescriptions, my iron checked, and tomorrow i have to go get my blood tested for diabetes. am i shook??? hell nah, not anymore. the most high isnt goin to give me more than i can handle. if he/she feels that i can take another load on my back....he/she will bring it....its called insha allah and i trust his/her will. what will be, will be. all i know is, im gloved up...ready for the next round. peace....creamalicious suga baby out.

ri-gotdamn-diculous......i talked to woo this morning and she made me promise to make a doctors appointment at student health. i hate that place...the most high only knows....but i dont have any insurance and thats the only medical care i have right now..so, i gotta do what i gotta do. suck it up and go. for her, ill go. after i talked to her, my mom called me. i told her what was wrong...how i wake up every hour at night because i am either thirsty or sweatin like i am sleepin in the desert or because i have to pee....or all of them. this has been going on for about a month.....i havent told anybody cuz i didnt want to hear "cream..you need to go to the doctor." ill go when i damn well please. dont tell me what to do...i run this and you are not the damn boss of me. *soundin kinda like a control freak huh?* anyway, while i was talkin to my mom, my grandma beeped in. my mom put us on 3-way. i HATE bein on 3-way with them!!!! they play the "who knows more about cream" or "who knows whats best for cream" game. it kills me yo. my mom told my grandma the bizness.....why in the hell did she do that?? my grandma was yellin "cream...you got a bladder infection!!!!" how in the hell do you get that i have a bladder infection from whats goin on with me??? i just said "yes ma'am, ill make an appointment." lawd...then, my grandma hung up. so, i told my mother how scared i am. she said "why you actin like you gonna die or something? its just diabetes, damn." aight...if she wasnt my mother....i woulda flipped on her. shes my mother so i respect what she says but how is she gonna tell me i shouldnt be scared. i dont have anything wrong with my body that i know of and now there is a chance that something is wrong...thats some scary shit to me. i knew i shouldnt have said shit to her about it....but nooooo, i had to open my big mouth. now, my grandma is callin me every 2 hours to see if i made the appointment and if i am drinking cranberry juice, which i drink everyday by the way. im feelin some kind of way toward my mother cuz she doesnt understand how i feel yo. she makes it seem like me bein a diabetic aint shit. well...do i have to get re-occurring gonorreaherpesyphamidia and damn near die for her to give me some encouragment.....for her to say "baby, its gonna be ok." really, thats all i wanted. i just wanted my momma to tell me i was goin to be aight. she acts like me bein sick is no big deal....and really...it isnt a big deal...i mean, there are millions of diabetics in this world, but to have most of your family be diabetic and have to take insulin and 2 of them need kidneys because of their diabetes.....is a big deal to me. to have a doctor tell me i am a diabetic is one of my biggest fears and for her to say that my fear basically, aint shit, hurt me. well, it aint the first time and it damn sho wont be the last. i gotta go to work. cream out.

ooooookkkkkkkk......i been gettin a lot of "cream, are you ok's"....yo, i am fine. i go through shit just like errbody else. the only difference is....yall read it. thanks for yall concerns tho. i feel sooooo much better and all i did was draw and cut up a shirt. i expressed my creativity...that helped. it always has. so, cream is officially out of her mood. im going to a poetry society meeting....havent been in a while. i havent read in a minute either. maybe i need to. next....i cant wait to go home. yall already know that tho. the week i am at my mothers house, i am going to walk my dog everyday..unless it rains. i miss her like she is my child. then, i am goin to plant flowers in the front yard and tomatoes and cucumbers in the back yard. i always wanted to fix my mother a garden so this summer, i am going to do it. i cant wait til she comes and gets me. i have some shit up my sleeve. *evil laugh* i hope i get the classes i want to take at quinnipiac. if not, i dont know what i am goin to do. i cant go up there and do nothin....doin nothin aint me. i have to have something constructive to do or ill lose my damn mind. i have a couple of things i want to do this summer tho: 1) go vegan..i always wanted to do it...got close to it, never did it. 2) go on a real vacation to somewhere i have never been. 3) dye my hair blonde and leave it blonde for a week...never done that, always rinsed it red.....and a bunch of other things that i will add lata. next...im finally goin to the doctor...bein iggin shit for too long. might be a diabetic...it scares the piss out of me, but its better that i know if i am so then, i can treat it. i hate goin to doctors...they never know what the hell is wrong with me. its like they guess....shit, i can guess whats wrong with me dammit. tell me some shit i dont know. then they have the nerve to give me medicine...why would i take that shit if you dont know whats wrong with me??? anywhoo, i gotta go to class...cream's quote of the day: "mayn...i aint spendin money i dont have, on shit i dont need, for people i dont fuckin know." peace.....cream out.

cream's rambling........tears are fallin....i feel weak...like i have been workin all my life...like a slave...i let my past be my master and my fear be my overseer...i wish i could go back, back to when shit wasnt so fuckin complicated...when i was that little brown girl with them pretty eyes like light brown clouds that veiled my pain until things got too heavy and it rained all down my face....and they wonder why i have such sad eyes...if you could look into my life...into my heart...and see what i see and feel what i feel...you still wouldnt understand and you probably couldnt take it. i wanna go back before he, she, it, them, and now....before that curtain rose and indecently exposed my heart to pain....before my purity was tainted and my body was left scarred...before all the bullshit this life has served me on a paper plate....i wish i could go back to innocence.

poo revisited.......i believe this cloud over me is startin to move. its not completely gone but it is gettin there. i have been feelin a whole lot. when i say feelin i mean my emotions have been quite sensitive. i havent felt like this in a while.....the last time was when me and tia broke up. i dont feel any pain.....well, yes i do....i feel....more conscious....more aware of myself and more aware of my feelings towards a lot of issues as well as my feelings for people. operation poo is still in effect. i did not fathom that this process would be so long and would trigger my emotions like this. im thinkin about stuff that happened to me when i was younger that i thought i was over. keyword: thought. some big stuff....some little stuff. i have been walkin to class and all of a sudden and i will see something or hear something that will trigger a memory. or i could be talkin to woo and she asks me a question about my past that triggers a memory. its like all of a sudden, stuff that i thought i forgot, is comin back to me. stuff that i pushed in the back of my mind is comin front and center of my head. next...last night, artiste FINALLY showed me her work and i must say that she is soooo damn talented. i want to buy some of her work but i dont think shes goin to come off of anything...especially that bob marley sketch. when i am rich and famous, her work will be on all of my books, in my restaurants, on my clothes...every damn where. one day, i hope she draws me....blind contour (new art term for cream). blind contour means drawing without lookin at what you are drawing. cool huh? then...i will know how she sees me in her mind. next...i have been having a hard time writing. its not writers block...its me blockin my gift. its my fault...i have been comparin myself to other writers and as a result, i have limited myself as a writer and an artist. there are soooo many half written poems that i have thrown away because i felt that they werent good enough. yo, when i read audre lorde or staceyann chin, i am moved. i started comparing my work with theirs and as a result, i havent felt too hot about what i write lately. i have realized that this thing called writing is not about competition, its all about expressing yourself and people express their thoughts in different ways. a beautiful poem is in the eyes of the reader. i may think a poem is wack that another person may think is hot or vice versa. so, all i am tryin to do is express myself and write from my soul. be the best i can be doin me. peace....cream out.

what up gangstaaaaa......i havent felt like writin....just havent really been inspired. all i want to do is lay in my bed and sleep. maybe its because it has been raining all week. my ankles ache, i feel bloated...code red is long over due (could i be pregnant???...haaa picture that), and im tired of school...ready to chill somewhere and be easy. right now, i have a headache from the depths of hades that will not go away. i wish it would go away so i can go to sleep. i havent had a good nights sleep in a while. i am debating whether i am goin to be bothered this weekend. by being bothered i mean....am i goin to call my mom and tell her im havin some "me" time, cut my ringer off, cut my computer off, and just chill by my gotdamn self. i have been real snappy and evil lately....maybe that is the solution. i hope it rains all weekend so i can sleep in without the sun wakin me up. i need to be rejuvenated....its like i dont have any "get up and go" in me anymore. like i said, i just want to sleep. me and diallo are goin shoppin tomorrow. i have to get some tapes to record these movies for my mom, a bottle of merlot, some benedryl, a padded envelope to mail my girl her cds, gummy bears, an easter card for cream, and some cheetos. next....i was browsin and i want this, this, this, this with this, and these. all that would make me feel betta.i dont have anything else to write about....well i do....but i dont feel like it right now...maybe later. peace. cream out.

irony....here is my damn horoscope for the day:
You may be getting frustrated with love and romance, dear Capricorn, because they seem to be causing more tension than calm and relaxation. No one said love was easy, but it doesn't have to be completely miserable, either. The key is to not get too stressed out about the little things. Know and expect that not everything is going to exactly match your highest expectations. There are many aspects of a relationship that you simply have no control over - namely, the other person.

things fall apart....an hour ago, i cried. i finally released all the pain and stress i have been feelin for the past 2 weeks. i havent been myself lately....cuz i have been under so much pressure. i feel how i felt when i came to college. i could have went to school 45 minutes away from home....i didnt. i chose a school 4 hours away. i needed to get away from home before i lost my life through my own actions or someone else's. now, i am planning to move to connecticut when i graduate. that is a big change for me. comin to school was 1 thing....i would not have seen 22, if i had stayed home. i was with someone that physically abused me. the only way to get away from him was to leave home...and thats what i did. i wanted independence...i wanted to do my own thing. right now, i am so scared...i have never lived with anybody....i am so used to being independant that the thoughts of me being dependant scare the crap out of me. movin to connecticut would make me totally dependant. i dont like being dependant...never have. i took my training wheels off of my bike and taught myself to ride. i didnt want anybody helping me. if i was goin to learn....i was goin to teach myself. i am hella stubborn...i admit it. i wont ask anybody for shit. if something needs to be done....ill do it myself. i never want someone to be able to hold something over my head..."oh, i did this for you"or "i did that for you." i wish i knew what the future holds but only the most high knows my destiny....so i guess i am s.o.l.. this situation is forcing me to deal with issues within myself. the next one is trust. i have a hard time trusting people. yo, i can name the # of people i trust on 1 hand. it takes a lot to get my trust and if it is ever betrayed.....thats it. im not big on 2nd chances. you fuck up once...you are dismissed. me and cammie talked about all that on friday night. made me think a lot....why is it so hard for me to trust someone or be dependant on someone? i say....it has to do with my past experiences...not just in intimate relationships....it comes from the relationship i have with my family too. i have been hurt by my fam as well as people outside of my fam and it has made me very reserved when it comes to people. next...tonight, when i looked in the mirror....i didnt recognize myself. i mean, i knew it was me....but my reflection didnt match my self-image. goin to bed....need to gather my thoughts. lata....cream out.

one mo' gin......i am not sure if i already had a post called one mo' gin...but yo, that song is on my mind right now. next...im riiicchhh byyttcchhhhh.....well, not right now...i will be one day. right now, i got a little change in my pocket but i gotta save it for my books for summer school. savin money is hard for me...how do you save money when there are things that you need that you dont have??? i guess thats called sacrifice. that has been the word of the weekend and the question of the weekend is...would you do the same for me?? still thinkin on that. im tired of bein the person in the relationship that is sacrificing something....for example, i was thinking about transferring to my ex's school when we were together. she couldnt transfer because she has a full basketball scholarship....sooooo, i had to be the one that transferred. im tired of bein understanding. im tired of being the one that is sacrificing something...sacrifice for me dammit. overstand me. if i gave up my life as i know it....left the familiar and moved to a world of uncertainty, if the tables were turned, would you do the same? next... yesterday, me and my buddy diallo went to circuit city to exchange the memory chip i bought that didnt work. cream didnt have to cuss anyone out....they gave me the right one, i installed it all by myself, and now my comp has no molasses in its ass. next...i have this issue. its like, my brain links songs and smells to my memories.....if i hear a certain song, i automatically think about someone or if i smell a certain brand of cologne, i think about someone. its crazy. for example, if i hear "beautiful" by tweet, i think about me layin in the bed while my ex was drivin...it was dark...everything smelled like vanilla and coconuts (i was tipsy from some bu).....she had that song on repeat while we were talkin. she said that song expressed how she felt about me *yeah right*. thats a neutral memory....i dont feel good or bad when i think about it....its just a memory. i just wish the memories that pertain to my exes step to the back of my brain. is it....nah, ill keep that to myself. next...im in a mood. <--that is ya warning. i need to be listened to....not just heard. i feel i am bein heard...not listened to....not felt. that shit urks the fuck out of me. when i feel someone isnt listening to me....i get heated yo....i either walk away or hang up. i know that seems childish....thats just me tho. i listen to people so i expect the same in return. i shouldnt have to ask for a fuckin conversation yo...and i am not goin to. in addition to that, my mind needs to be stroked. i am tired of masturbating my brain. its gettin old yo. damn old. artiste is sick so i havent been conversin with her a lot lately *get well soon suga*....she keeps me sane yo. constant reminder that there are women that appreciate a good conversation with some "substance". yo, i just feel myself gettin more and more heated and deeper and deeper into the depths of moodiness...so ima end it here. peace....cream out.

i have had a lot on my plate lately....3 papers in 1 week...exams...tryin to get everything together so i can go to summer school in connecticut...just stress yo. i havent been in the best mood lately...been down right mean. i just dont feel like bein bothered...i mean, i dont mind listenin to my closest friends (yall know who yall are). i dont wanna hear no bullshit from anybody else. unless you are goin to pay me $50 an hour to listen to you and and another $50 for my advice....dont call me. i have my own issues i am dealing with....leave me alone yo. i know that sounds mean but yo...you dont know how many people call me to vent. do i call them with my problems...hell to da nah. i know i give good advice but damn. just needed to vent...peace...creamalicious out.

case of the ex......chapter 1.....before i begin....congrats to stinka on the birth of ya blog. next...i was layin on my floor....listenin to basin street blues with my eyes closed. i had my windows open so the breeze could come in....i was havin some me time and the phone rang. i started not to answer it but since it was around 1:00, i thought it was stinka callin on her lunch break. i got up and picked up the phone and said "hello".
the voice on the other end said "suga, i miss you."
my stomach began to feel funny...it started turnin....like i had just ate peanut butter, ketchup, and sardines. somethin told me not to answer the damn phone...just let the answering machine pick up. i replied in my dammit, i dont feel like no shit tone, "what you want yo?"
the voice, slightly cracking responded "i want you to tell that girl in connecticut its ova and come back to me."
*i knewww i shouldnt have said that shit. wrong question. *mentally kickin myself*
I sighed, leaned against the closet door, and said "you had your season. you cheated on me. im happy where i am at, na mean. why dont you hook back up with that chic in jersey?"
*i know that was mean...but i really didnt give a damn.*
there was a minute of silence and then i said "you still there??", cuz for a minute, i didnt hear anything. i heard sniffles and she replied "yeah, im still here."
a long pause."cream, i know i fucked up yo...i know i did. but i know she dont deserve you. she cant love you like i can. what..yall been together fo a month, at the most 2 months. i have known you since september. she came down there once..so what. i seen you 4 times...came to your school and your house. i know she didnt please you. cant nobody make love to you like i can. yo, lemme ask you a question."
*dammit, what da fuck she gettin ready to ask me....mayn, it bet not be stupid cuz im sleepy as fuck and i will not hesitate to pull her muhfuckin card.*
"what yo?", i said in an agitated tone.
"cream, did you go down on her?"
*why in the fuck is that any of your damn bizness??? wha...you on pussy patrol or some shit? nosey heffa.*
"that aint none of ya bizness. what i did with her is between me and her. i will tell you this tho...i dont have ANY complaints."
i sat down on the floor and sipped my tea. the only sound on the phone was her exhaling....she must have been smokin a newport.
"well...ol girl...whats her name?", she asked.
"her name is noneofyadamnbizness.", i said chewin on my straw.
"whateva her name is...she cant love you like i do. i wanna give you the love you need. i know...."
*this bitch got me fucked up. she wanna give me the love i need but you cheated on me and wasnt even woman enough to admit the shit. you love me...but you was fuckin somebody else and lyin to me. *smh* dumb chics...damn yo.*
i interrupted her, "you have no damn idea what love is...much less how to love me like i need to be loved."
she laughed "and ol girl knows how to love you?"
*yo silly ass just dont know*
"hell yeah...she knows. she treats me like the queen i am. i thought that you were capable of that when i first met you...then after a while i realized that you were so used to dealin with scallywags..you didnt know what to do when you got a queen."
she sighed and said "cream, how many times do i have to tell you that i love you and i know i fucked up. i love you cuz you are different...you are the woman that i want to be with. not that bitch in jersey. i dont want nobody else but you", she said with her voice quivering like she was about to cry."look", i said gettin off of the floor, "like i said, i am happy where i am at. all we can be is friends...if and only if you respect my relationship with my girl. if you cant respect us....then i cant converse with you anymore." I leaned against my window and looked at my girl's picture on the wall.
"hell nah i aint gon accept that shit. i love you yo. you was supposed to ride with me this summer...we was supposed to do shit together. aint nobody gon love you like me. cream, admit that you still love me", she said.
she was crying.
for a milisecond, i almost felt bad for her....i dont like nobody sheddin tears....then i thought...
*aint my fault she fucked up....cry me a river beeeeeeooottcchhh*
"i guess you aint gon respect the fact that i am happily taken. and i never said i loved you sweetheart, i said i cared....neva said i loved you."
"you didnt have to...i know you love me."
"well, if you believe that shit....today is ya day cuz you damn sho are april's fuckin fool."
i hung up, laid back on my floor, and vibed to you dont know what love is by coltrane. peace....cream out.