chapter 1........i despise you for all the feelings that you have ignited in my heart...anger and bitterness to name a few. most of all...i feel love and hatred for you all simultaneously. i dont even know why i love you in the first place. i love you and i despise you at the same time...why have i allowed you to make me feel like this....i feel so fuckin dumb....so damn stupid for allowing you to be in my life at all. why do i keep going back when its obvious that you dont give a fuck about me or my feelings? why do i keep forgiving when the issues keep repeating themselves? why did i ever give my heart to you in the first place? all i can come up with is....i was dumb for loving you. i was stupid as hell for caring about you. im tired of crying...being unhappy...being your jester...someone you pick up and put aside at your leisure...you know what....fuck despising you...i hate you. despise is not the right adjective to describe the what i feel. hate is a better word choice. i thought shit would be different...blah blah blah....but it aint. promises, promises. promises are like babies....easy to make but hell to deliver. you have hurt me for the last time. its not healthy to walk into oncoming traffic and not care. its not healthy to drink every damn day. i refuse to lose any more sleep....any more of my time....any more love....on a fucked up individual as yourself. so fuck you and the womb you came from. aint no peace today.....cream is definitely out.