all i can do is love ME......warning...this is a long ass entry. so get grab you something to drink and a snack and get comfy. alrighty......baby when i used to love youuuuuu......thats my shit. i put it on repeat and spaz out in my room...singin at the top of my lungs. holla holla hollaaaaaa. im feelin that song cuz it describes how i feel about each and every ex i have. i couldnt mentally or emotionally afford them. buncha heffas. someone asked me am i bitter about my past relationships and do i see all of them in a negative light. well, i admit that i am bitter but i dont see all of them negatively. i got this idea from another blog....thought i needed to do it. i picked 4 people (for this post) in my life and im going to write what i want to say to each one, not mentioning names. there is more than 4 so ill write more in the future. anyway, here it is........
1. damn, i have no much bitterness and anger toward you that it amazes me that at one time, i was in love with you. right now, i cant stand you. you are a liar, a manipulator, and a fake ass cunt. if i never see you or talk to you again, i wont be upset. i hope all the bad things in the world happen to you and only you. karma is an evil bitch.
2. i havent talked to you in about 3 months and i want to pick up the phone and call you....but im not. you have had chance after chance to make things right with me and you fucked up every damn time. im not going to keep putting myself out there for you to hurt me or disappoint me. you have no idea the bullshit that i have been through so i dont expect you to understand how i feel. you are and have been so wrapped up yourself that you fail to see the pain that you cause. you cross my mind everyday and thoughts of you used to bring tears to my eyes. now i cant do anything but shake my head. i wonder if you ever think about me. probably not, because you havent picked up the phone just to say hi. i refuse to be the first one to call, write, etc.....again.
3. mayn, i miss you more than you can imagine. you taught me so much....even when you didnt think you were. i know you probably thought i was too young to understand what you were sayin to me but i wasnt. i would give my life if it meant that i could be with you for just 1 more day. i know you wouldnt allow me to do it but yo...thats how much i miss you. my whole life changed the day you left. its like my innocence left when you did. i know i have done some things that you wouldnt approve of but for the most part, i know that you are proud of me. the memory of your voice and the things you said to me, have kept me out of a lot of shit. i know that i wouldnt be alive if it wasnt for you. i love you.
4. *sigh* as much as i want to despise you, i cant. i am still hurt but i dont allow you to see it. i dont want you to know that you hurt me more than what ive expressed to you already. there are times when i wished things would have worked out between us but the fact remains that they didnt. i wish you would own up to the fact that you hurt me and you did some foul shit. as bitter as i am, i hope nobody hurts you like you hurt me. i know karma is a bitch but the fact remains that i still care about you. maybe i need to stop talking to you because when i read what you wrote, i cried. to read that you want to do the things that you didnt do when you were with me, to someone else, hurts like hell. the fact that i told you what i needed and you convinced yourself that i was asking for too much and now, you are doing those things for her not only hurt me, the whole situation pisses me off. i think its better that i distance myself from you like i planned to do in the beginning. i loved you more and treated you better than anybody else did and all i got was dry ass apologies and bullshit. the fucked up thing is....i still love you and i hope that this love i have left for you goes away. like i said, distance is definitely a must.
ok, now that i got that out of the way....whats next? ummm....work. work is ok. its only 6 hours a day so im cool. my feet hurt like hell when i get home but ill survive. i know i need the money so i get up off my ass everyday and do what i gotta do. working alone has given me a lot of time to think. most of my thoughts have been about my plan to have a child. there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about him or her. lately, my thoughts have been more centered on how my life will change when i finally get pregnant....besides the obvious. i wonder if he/she will be proud of me. old people say that children chose their parents....i wonder if my child will be proud of his or her choice. on to my almost nonexistant love life. ive been vibing with 3 very different women lately. first, there is inayah. me and inayah have been talking for about 2 months. when i first met her, i admit that i was a bit shook. she is so damn intelligent and has such a deep mind that i thought i might get become attached too soon. deep conversations are like breaths of fresh air to me and she always has something to bless my mind with. she takes the time to really listen to what i say. what i like most is the fact that she asks questions to make me think. she has a lot to offer to my mental table and i look forward to it. i know that she is one person that i want to be in my cypher for as long as she wants to be there....even if nothing but friendship sprouts from the conversations we have. second, there is liana. we havent been talkin for a long time...maybe about 2 or 3 weeks. she’s only 19...thats an issue. after ex #4, women under 21 make me feel some kind of ill way. not all of them, just the ones that ACT their age. no maturity what-so-fuggin-eva. back to liana....she is puerto rican, which is different for me since i have never talked to a woman outside of my race. i dont think anything is going to come of our conversations other than friendship. first of all, she acts her age. thats a big turn-ff...not saying you have to act serious all the time but damn...there is a time and place for that. second of all, she said she doesnt like black women with natural hair. well, she didnt say that she didnt like it but she made a reference to me gettin a perm...and that shit aint happenin. plus, she has said a couple of things about big girls. i refuse to be in another relationship where i feel like im an “exception” because i am a big girl with nappy hair but i have a bangin personality and shit going for me. fuck that....i want someone that wants a big girl with nappy hair, a bangin personality, and shit going for her. fuck that exception shit. anyway, liana says that she is diggin my personality and wants to get to know me better. like i said, i doubt anything will come of our conversations but a friendship. she is cool but she has to show some depth, something more than what she has shown me thus far.the third and final woman is aleka. we have been talking for about a month and a half. so far, she is cool. they all seem that way at first. the only thing that bothers me about her is the fact that she is so damn quiet. when we are on the phone, she wants me to do all the talking. she says that she wants to get to know me better and by listening instead of talking, she does that. maybe its weird to me because i havent had a woman that actually LISTENED. its different as hell....thats for sure. who knows what will come of this. im not gong to expect anything but conversation from any one of them. everything remains to be seen at this point. of course, i still have my crushes....1 of which i plan to act on. shit, why not? anyway....thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace and strength.......cream out.