the anti-love.......im in the library finna work on my case briefs and homework for this week. before i get down to business, there are some things i need to get off of my brain. first of all, def poetry was amazing. it was 2 hours of straight fire...neva a dull moment. the only thing i didnt like was there wasnt an intermission. so, i held my pee for 2 hours because i didnt want to miss anything. miss staceyann was wonderful. her work brings tears to my eyes. its amazing how good poetry makes you feel....it can move you from happiness, to sadness, provoke thoughts, and it just might make you want to burn your notebook. all of the poets made me want to keep writing and most high willing, i will be on that stage with them one day. if def poetry ever comes near you, GO SEE IT. its worth every dime. next...some days i feel like im on top of the world..on top of my game and on other days, i feel like im in a big pit on my knees, looking up at the world. my "fuck it, fuck you and the cooch ya came from" attitude is still there but that doesnt stop me from being lonely. i wish my queen would hurry up. where are you homegirl? like i said before, maybe im not ready for her or she isnt ready for me but damn yo, how many more tired women do i have to talk to before she comes to me? the most high has a huge sense of humor, i tell you. the minute that i think i have my life together, just when i think im strong enough to live my life, he/she throws something at me for me to trip on. its like, im running and just when i can see the finish line, the most high puts a rock in the ground and i trip and fall flat on my face. what is the meaning of all this crap that im going through? honestly, i dont know. i pray every night that he/she remove these feelings that im having. maybe its a test to see if ill crack up and go crazy. im trying to hold on to the sanity i have left and keep moving forward. contrary to popular belief, i do have a couple of ounces of sanity left. next....i spoke with 2 of my exes over the weekend. they havent gotten on my nerves in a long time so i knew it was bound to happen eventually. i dont want to talk to ex #1 (not literally ex #1) for a while. i thought that i had gotten out all of the feelings that i had for her...but i guess not. during our convo....i got really quiet. she was talking about some things that i shouldnt have been hearing. after a while, her voice started to annoy me like someone scratching a chalkboard. you know how people have panic attacks? well, it was almost like that but more like "i need to hang up ASAP before i scream at this demonic, insensitive, self centered heffa". when i say heffa....instead of....well, yall know what i would say but...im being nice...gold star for cream! anyway, when i started biting my nails and tears started to form in my eyes, i knew it was time to end the conversation. so, i dismissed myself from the fucked up conversation and went to the library where i couldnt focus. if something or someone is bothering me, i cant focus entirely on what im doing. i wrote some pretty mean things in my journal about her but i needed to release the negativity associated with the conversation that we had. i really dont have too much to say to her at this point. maybe in a couple of weeks....maybe not. ex #2 didnt really get on my nerves, she just said some things that bothered me. maybe im just irritable, i dont know. next...i have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and i have to work at the arena tomorrow night. im not looking forward to the whole doctor thing because i dont like gettin that whole pap smear thing done. makes me feel funny. oh well...its all for my baby so i can deal with it. the only good thing about working is the fact that im getting paid to see a young buck concert. *cheesin* ok...i need to start on this homework before i fall asleep in this chair. in a minute.....peace and a focused mind.....cream out.