2nd thought.......since i have been home i have been writing in word and then posting it in blogger. earlier today, i wrote an entry and it wasnt positive at all. i wrote about the people that i cut off in some shape, form, or fashion. to put it lightly, it was harsh.....i was talking about rusty, anthrax covered, forks and callin people demonic snakelike cunts. mean huh? after meditating for the first time in about 2 weeks, i decided to write. where to begin.......miss p. we have been cool so far. i have exposed a lot of things about myself that i know i need to work on. the first being the fact that i am scared of being hurt again. i cant let that fear consume me. i am facing it instead of denying the fact that i am scared. we talk almost every night about it. the fear of being hurt has put me in a constant state of “analysis paralysis”.....until now. a part of allowing myself to love her is to let go of this fear. i have a lot of emotional barriers up.....im not going to front. slowly....ill let them down. it feels so different to be courted. she opens doors....she pulls our chairs...she moves me. 2 nights ago, we were laying in my bed talking with all the lights out. for some reason, i reveal things about myself at night when she is holding me. when she holds me, i feel so safe but so damn vulnerable at the same time. she is going to tell me what she is going to do regarding either staying here, going back to school, or coming with me...sometime tomorrow. im going to be supportive no matter what her decision is but i am going to miss her a lot if she decides to either stay here or go back to school. the idea of establishing ourselves by ourselves, moves me. everything in its time tho. if the most high sees fit, it will happen. ok...on to the cutting off people situation. first of all, i am very cautious about who i allow in my space. people are grimey...thats a fact of life. i didnt say all people....i have interacted with some beautiful people and i have interacted with some grimey people. all i did was evaluate the so-called friendships that i had with the people that i cut off. they were like ticks....sucking the positive energy from me. if i felt like conversing with them was a task or interacting with them was like pulling teeth, i cut them off. no need faking that i wanted those people in my space when i didnt. all of my friends are different. actually, they are even from different parts of the country. they all bring a unique energy to my mental table. i learn from all of them and i hope they learn from me. if i have never said it.....im saying that i love all of you dearly. thank you for being you. next...i might be going to richmond tomorrow. i hope i do because i need a change of scenery. anyway...thats enough for now. in a minute.....cream, the virginia belle.....out.