whoaaaaa.....damn yo...where should i start. the beginning would be nice...huh. i have been in connecticut for almost 2 weeks now. its cool...so far. woo's comp is fucked up....not my fault tho. we have been through so much....her daughter was in the hospital for 2 days, we are gettin used to each other, i am gettin used to havin kids around all the time....just a lot of stuff yo. i am in love yo...but this is the hardest relationship i have been in. its effortless to love her....it just takes a lot of effort to maintain us. i require attention..especially since its not everyday i get to hold my girl or rub her face while she talks to me....i value every minute that we spend together because i know that 6 weeks isnt a long time...i am going back to va...that altima is goin to ride down my street without me in it...i wont hear her snorin or hear her get up at 2 am to eat....i feel like a part of me is with her...like she is my left foot...she compliments what i already have...she allows me to strut. are my feelings dangerous??? probably. who knows....we could break up an hour from now, a minute from now. nothin is certain except for change and death....all i know is i am in love and regardless of how many times she falls asleep on me, pisses me off, *cough*gets on my damn nerves *cough*....i am in love with her yella ass and she is who i want to grow old with. today, it was confirmed that we arent gettin married in june. too soon...(go ahead and say told ya so)...plus we dont have any money. i really dont know how to feel about the situation... *catch those feelings in the next post* next...i went to ny yesterday (the bronx and harlem)....it was ok...not what i thought. enjoyed the ride there tho. new haven was so much more exciting...i saw a crackhead beat a man out of $140, 2 girls fighting, 2 men get arrested, woo cuss out a jamaican man *suck ya mudda*.....it was like watchin tv. all that excitment yesterday has me tired....enough for now...i need a nap. peace...........cream out.

part deux......yo.....contrary to the popular belief, cream is shy. i know i have said it before. i am shy as hell yo....not much of a talker...i communicate best through writing. which is why i am writing this. i am in connecticut with woo....first day...and i am nervous as shit. i am not much of a talker and i dont want peeps to think i am stuck up or i am anti-social...even tho the later is the truth. this is all new for me and yo....this is my me time....my time to get my thoughts together. aight...not only am i visiting my girl for the first time...i am meeting her fam as well. i have never stayed with anyone outside of my fam.....and to top it off....i am 8 hours away. its a lot to take in at one time. woo is too tired and too occupied to notice but i am feelin some kind of way right now....i have a mixture of nervousness and fear....messed up combination yo. i know in time, this feeling will go away...i hope it leaves soon. she made some baked ziti.....maybe i will feel betta after i eat....when i am have things on my mind i tend not to have an appetite. next....i talked to my mother this afternoon. i missed some drama....praise the most high. something always happens when i leave....lucky me. i miss my fam a little bit....they get on my last good nerve and i cant spend more than a week with them without gettin frustrated, irritated, or down right pissed off.....but i luh they asses. aight...thats enough ventin...i gotta fix woo's comp...think i fucked somethin up. lata....creamy puffalicious angel.....out.

baisse moi.....its been a minute...i know. well, i went home and put my computer in my closet.....i was only home for a week anyway. no sense in hookin it all up and then packin it all back up again. anywhoo, my week at home was cool. my mom's boyfriend didnt get on my nerves too much. the only thing he did to really piss me off was eat all of the caramel cake...da kid didnt get one damn slice. my niece is gettin so damn big yo. im startin to corrupt her mind already. i taught her to say "shut up". *evil laugh* nah, thats the only bad thing ill teach her. dont want her bein a damn heathen. next...did decent this semester...got a D in law tho. shit...all the exams were true/false....i would have preferred essay based tests instead of that shit. oh well....i got an A, 2 B's, a C, and a D. as long as im passin....i dont give a fat monkeys ass. ima try to make the deans list for the rest of my college career tho. i know i can do it....its just applying myself. i made the deans list my first 2 years of college. next...woo came and got me yesterday...she was 2 hours late. i was worried...pacin the living room...yo..i watched at least 6 episodes of the cosby show while i was waitin on her. then finally she called and said she was down the street. it felt soooo good to be held yo. it had been so long. she laid on my boobies and i laid my head on her locs and we slept...a little. theres that evil laugh again..heheheh next...the ride to connecticut was.....long. we were actin silly as normal so that made the time go by fast. woo tried to freeze me to damn death.....i might have a bug....woke up snifflin. we got here at 5 am....i put down my bags, took off my pants, and went to sleep. i woke up and forgot were i was...i was lookin around like where...in...the...hell...am...i? woo woke me up at 9...*sigh*...we engaged in some "activities" damn.....good mornin bay.......now im wide awake and she is knocked the fuck out. im talkin bout snorin and errthang. i am a little salty cuz i am sittin here....doin nothin....hungry as a weedhead that smoked a quarter of highgrade....i feel icky....but i know she has gotten at the most, 8 hours of sleep in the last 2 days....so maybe i shouldnt be too salty...she still is gon hear it when she gets up...shit. well...this shit is hella long...sooooo...miss cream....dat chic in ya wet dreams....is....out.

2 days and a wake up.....takin a study break...listenin to this had some shit on my mind.....decided to write. i am not goin to be able to go to quinnipiac because they will not accept my financial aid simply because i do not attend their school. i was hurt at first...got mad as hell...then decided....it aint so bad. ill just go to plan b....stackin my money. cream always has a plan b...sometimes a plan c. i have a big plan in my head yo...i have been thinkin on it for a long time. i finally decided to act on it. but first....i got to get my money right and i have to absorb every damn ounce of free education i can online. that prolly doesnt make sense now....but when i do da damn thing, it will. plus, me not goin to school will allow me to spend more time with my girl.....it will allow my brain some time to chill. next....finals.....what can i say? bullshit, thats what i am gonna say. i have a 8 page essay, a take home exam, and a bunch of cases to brief.....all in 2 days. my big day is thursday. i have to pack thursday night....then friday morning....im out. next....i am so tired of this....im gonna be on here from now on. conversation is a little more mature. aight...back to work. peace....cream out.

ill take yo cookies......for the past 3 days....i havent been in my room much. people have been callin...leavin evil messages. "where are youuuuuuuuu????" *smh* well, get used to me not bein here cuz ummm.....i have exams all week and then im goin back to my momma's house on friday. am i excited...yeah, kinda. i need a change of environment but then again i am going into an environment that i really dont want to be in. a week sharing the same living space as my mom's boyfriend who i really strongly dislike....lawd. on a brighter note.....2 weeks and i will be in new haven. i am nervous about that. im going to be in her space...never been in any of my exes space....they all came to me. this time, im leavin my comfort zone and entering hers. i havent seen my girl in 2 months. i cant wait to just chill with her...play with her locs....its goin to be so nice to look down and see her asleep with her head on my boobies. i have to make sure everything is cool for summer school....im going to have 3 weeks of vacation before i go to summer school. that is so damn dandy. i need a break. next....went to the riverfront and took pics. i walked on this pier...i was scared as hell yo. it was real shaky and diallo's dumb ass kept jumpin. then he said to walk in the middle of the damn thing cuz i guess thats where a big steel beam was. where does it matter where i walk...if it fell, we both would be in the damn nasty ass river. the ohio river is so damn dirty yo...its a ugly green color. there was a man fishin...i personally would not eat nothin that lived in that water. i wouldnt even stick my feet in it. next....i got my tatts darkened...it didnt hurt at all...but now, they itch like hell. i feel like i have about 10 mosquito bites on my arm and my back. i dont remember tatts itchin this much...gettin them aint the bad part...its waitin for them to heal that is hell. when i get to connecticut i want to get another tattoo and get pierced. i dyed my hair champagne blonde...how does it look you ask??? it looks the damn same. my hair is a trip yo. it does not take dyes well. its about 1 shade lighter. so...next month, ima try again. i want to have blonde hair with fire red tips. aight...this bedtime lotion has me yawnin...so ill holla lata. peace....creamthatcantbewhipped....out.

ne me quitte pas....my day started at 2 am. me and woo had an argument.....a bad one. after thinking about the whole situation long and hard, i have come to this. i am dealing with a lot within myself. i am fighting the inner demons that are trying to take over me. i have dealt with so much bullshit in my life, been through, seen, and felt so much. contrary to what people may think, i am not depressed. da kid just has a lot of shit on her mind. so the times i seem distant or i am real quiet...i am thinking. by the way...if anotha mofo asks me why i dont smile......i dont smile simply because i dont have to. not that i dont have anything to smile about, i am somewhat healthy, im alive, im living......i just dont choose to outwardly smile. my soul smiles all the time...my mind giggles.....my heart sings. i am just not one to smile...and if by chance you see me smile, know that more than likely its a reflection of yours. anywhoo, back to the topic, i have been through a lot......i have days that i feel crappy...some days i feel peachy. right now, my relationship with my mother is dwindling down to nothing. her man is home so she doesnt have time for me. it hurts me but i have to remember that i am 22 years old....i am not a baby anymore. i am getting ready to go home...home is not where i grew up or where i go on holidays....home is in connecticut with my girl. she is trying so hard to make me feel better...i just dont think she can relate because she has never been where i am right now. so, i always tell her she doesnt understand how i feel. she tries tho. i love her so much...so much more than she realizes. i know this is mad short but gotta take my ass to work so i can buy my books for summer school...ill holla. cream out.

vanity 6.......i havent felt like writing. really, i havent felt like doin much of anything. yesterday, diallo got me out of this damn room...almost had to drag me out....we went to charleston. its about 45 minutes away. mayn, to be the capitol, this shit looked like my hometown and my hometown is small as hell. the only thing that was different, was they had a big ass mariott downtown. what i found weird was....when we went to the hood, why in the fuck was there a cadillac dealership right in the middle of that bitch?? like a constant reminder of shit that most people in the hood will never see....unattainable because they simply cant afford it. i was lookin for a popeyes...i luh popeye's chicken, dirty rice, and biscuits. yummm. i didnt find one tho. guess ill have to wait til i get to ct. we went to a sex shop too. yo, i have neva seen sooo much kinky, nasty, shit. saw fake pussies....they had little open spaces on the packages so you could feel the texture of them. none of them felt like pussy to me. i saw blow up animals....pigs and sheep. anything you could think about was in that store. i had to hold in laughin......soo much shit in that store will make you giggle. its funny how people wont look at you in the eyes in that store....goin to the nasty sto aint nothin to be ashamed of dammit. if you wanna buy a plastic full size fist, some whips, a 40 oz of astroglide, and a blow up chic.....do what u do. next...i have an issue. sometimes, i want to sit and vibe about poetry or politics or astronomy...shit, something with some substance. my conversation doesnt consist of deep shit all the time.....i am not one of those people that cant talk about simple shit. its just sometimes, i wanna have an intellectual conversation. i need my mind stroked. its not starvin...i make sure i feed it...sometimes i think it overeats and gives me a headache....shit, i just wanna know stuff. i want to expand my mind....see how much knowledge i can acquire. i feel like am the only one tho....i always have. always felt different cuz i would much rather go to a museum than a jay-z concert, stay home and write than go to an open mic night, be by myself than in a room full of people, listen than talk.....that list goes on and on. i guess i have to accept the fact that i am different than the average and i have to entertain myself....mentally masturbate. fucked up...but true. now that my buddy artiste is graduating and has to turn in her computer....i dont know what i am goin to do. laaaaawd...what am i gon do??? i need to get some sleep...feel my eye swellin (damn pollen)....i have done enough writing fo one day. peep da 2 posts below....they are new as well. peace...cream dream out.

fuck ruby slippers.......i find myself....not wanting to talk to my fam. may sound strange, but i really dont. i mean, everytime we talk there is another issue. same shit, different toilet. its always drama, always problems. always something yo. ALWAYS. there is nothing pleasant....except my niece's giggle. my niece is my heart yo....she makes me want kids of my own. i am not lookin forward to going home...im goin to be there for a week, then i go to connecticut with woo....but i have to come back eventually. my ex used to tell me that i was a different person when i am at home....i agree. i am much more stressed at home. home is a place i am not lookin forward to. cream out.

random thoughts.......2 weeks and counting....i will be on my way home and then a week later, i will be on my way to connecticut. yo, its like all of a sudden....people are inviting me places and wanting to be around me all the time. anybody that knows me will tell you that i am slightly anti-social...well no....they'd say i am real anti-social. i agree...to a certain extent. i dont like being around a lot of people. i like being by myself. always have. people get on my nerves....i am very easily irritated. damn, i cant stop sneezin. shit. anyway, i am turnin down all invites...including the one to go to atl for the week....i need to stay here BY MYSELF and get some school work done. next week is the week of transition. i get bored very easily and its time for a new look. not feelin the one i have right now. i have an appointment to get my tattoos darkened. they have lightened up sooooo much yo. they are barely there. might get another one...heheh...if i have enough money, which i think i will. i gotta make a couple of moves and ill have a new tatt for the summer. wonder what ill get and wear ill get it....hmmmmmm, wouldnt you like to know. might fuck around and get a piercing ***evil laugh***. im dyin my hair blonde next wednesday. thats nothin new...i have done it like 5 times. the diff is....i am not goin to rinse my hair for the first 2 weeks. goin to read my book...feel inspired all of a sudden. cream out.

down to earth.....when i am in my room at night, loneliness creeps in. i just feel mad lonely at night. i am fine during the day. when the sun sets....i start wishin my girl was here with her head on my boobies. over spring break, she would lay her head on my boobies and hold me and about 5 minutes later, id hear her snorin. i miss sleepin on her locs (yeah they are that long). they smelled so good. damn yo. 27 days and ill be with her. next...friday, me and diallo went to the riverfront and to a big ass park after i got my blood taken and got my prescriptions. (results back this week) yo, the riverfront is sooo damn pretty. i sat next to the water, ate a chicken quesadilla, and sipped raspberry iced tea. i got a little tan too. i skipped around like a little kid....felt like a little girl again. next time i go, i have to take pictures. the park was pretty too...big as hell....it has a little creek running through it and a little bridge....looks kinda like something out of a fairy tale...damn i want to take sooo many pictures. im finding myself getting into photography a lot more. lookin at marc bapiste's "beautiful" and talkin to artiste has sparked something inside of me. i mean, i have always liked taking pictures.....always said "that would be a tight ass picture"....even leaned out of a 6 story window to take pictures of the moon. da kid has an eye....from what i know and from what i have heard. cant wait til i get my camera. next...my easter was ok. i wanted some damn ham but i didnt get any. *poutin* i talked to tia for about 2 hours. she is going through some things and needed to vent. i didnt mind cuz she doesnt call me with issues all the time. weird thing is, we are a lot closer than we were when we were together. thats my dawg. hopefully, when me and woo go to georgia, we can stop by and see her. i dont know if i could be in the same room with them....they both make me laugh til i get stomach cramps. i told tia that i would cook if i came there. that poor child is livin off of pasta salad and hamburger helper. *smh* her girl doesnt cook. im so glad my momma made sure i knew how to cook everything she does and made sure i knew how to follow a damn recipe. im tellin you, my girl is goin to gain weight when i come up there. i dont cook simple shit like spaghetti...well, sometimes, but i hook it up.....when i cook, i cook. im talkin bout hams, roasts, chicken (fried, baked, jerked, barbequed, or curried), jambalaya, homemade mac and cheese (not that box shit), fresh greens (glory aint got shit on me), potato salad, pies, cakes....you name it, i can cook it. da kid is a chef. miles is puttin me to sleep......goin to bed now....gotta get up early and run. peace.....creamadelic angel out.

peachey cream....i am in a good mood yo....besides the fact that my right eye is swollen and the left eye keeps itchin. last night, me and diallo went to ruby tuesday. i got lit yo. i drank a megarita with an extra shot of tequila. didnt eat anything....that drink filled me up. we drove over this bridge that goes to ohio....it is so damn pretty. it felt nice to feel wind blow through my hair and seein the ohio river. i appreciate the little things. doesnt take much to make me happy. then...i came home and cussed my father out. this bastid aint called in 3 months...called me...and said "hey". wtf you mean "hey". mayn, i cussed him out and hung up. felt good not to cry...not to be weak for a man that doesnt give a fuck about me and never really has....at least i cant tell it. the night i sat on my floor and waited for him to call back and he didnt was the final tic. i refuse to repeatedly put myself in a situation where i am gettin hurt. next...cream wrote me a letter. my mother read it to me when i talked to her today. im glad we are back in contact again....i missed my best friend. he understands me more than anyone else on the face of this earth and i understand him the same way. cream is my brotha from a different motha. i need to hurry up and write him back. next...is phone sex cheatin??? me and tia were debatin that today. well, i think it is...you are fantasizing about someone else....like artiste said "substituting verbal for physical". she said it wasnt...i believe it is. i would be highly pissed if woo had phone sex with another woman. pissed is actually puttin it mildly. i would be ready to cut a bitch. yo, dont know if its somethin in the water...but i have turned into a horny toad. i feel sorry for my girl cuz she gon be tired goin to work cuz we gon be doin da damn thang a lot. from what i hear, i have a very high sex drive.....im talkin bout doin it all day and only stoppin to take showers, pee, or get somethin to eat. my momma said that when i turn 40, *insha allah*, it will be worse. it seems like all i do..is think about sex. all day i....dream about...all day i...dream about sex. i mean, there are other things on my mind....those thoughts get interrupted by naughty thoughts. maybe thats why i have been kinda grumpy....i need some sex...some dirty....smack my booty...what's my name....type sex. some sex that requires me to take a damn nap after. i gotta go get my blood checked later on this morning...so i need to take my yella ass to sleep.....cream out.

on the #9 bus......i was up all night....couldnt sleep, barely could breathe. all i did was sneeze, sweat, drink water, and piss. me and woo had a discussion....right before i went to catch the bus. didnt really feel aight...had tears in my eyes while i sat on the bus stop. i pulled out an old bill and a pen from my pocketbook....here's what i wrote: "cream's rambling at the bus stop"........uncertainty drives me insane. i know you cant worry about things you can not control...im just realizing that i dont have as much control over things as i thought. its like the most high tapped me on the shoulder, stood in front of me, and opened my third eye. i am seeing a lot weakness in myself.....im realizing i am not as strong as i thought. when it comes to people i truly love, i am sensitive as hell. its like, when i care about someone or love them....i give them my all....150% of me. thats not always the right thing to do and i realize that i am exposing myself to hurt and disappointment by doin that. the fact remains that i am a nurturing woman....i am happy seeing the people i care about appreciate what i do for them and if they do for me....they do. i have never been a self-centered..."what have you done for me lately" kinda woman. thats not in me at all. i just need to put my nurturing on pause....get on my john deere....let someone nurture me for a change....see who nurtures me when i stop.....see who cares....and let the rodents and snakes be exposed. i am also seeing an abundance of strength in myself....im realizing i am not as weak as i thought. i have been through a whole lot in my 22 years...most people would be in a psycho ward....but i survived...each day is a reminder that i am a warrior...i was born fighting and ill probably die fighting. trust, i wont take anything layin down...im not a punk...i come at shit with my fists up and my mind ready....and best believe, when the smoke clears, i will be the last woman standing. so, all these things i deal with day to day are the most high's reminder to keep my fists up...keep landin them punches regardless of how tired i am....cuz once i let my hands down to rest....the issues win, the fight ends, and i die. next....i got 3 prescriptions, my iron checked, and tomorrow i have to go get my blood tested for diabetes. am i shook??? hell nah, not anymore. the most high isnt goin to give me more than i can handle. if he/she feels that i can take another load on my back....he/she will bring it....its called insha allah and i trust his/her will. what will be, will be. all i know is, im gloved up...ready for the next round. peace....creamalicious suga baby out.

ri-gotdamn-diculous......i talked to woo this morning and she made me promise to make a doctors appointment at student health. i hate that place...the most high only knows....but i dont have any insurance and thats the only medical care i have right now..so, i gotta do what i gotta do. suck it up and go. for her, ill go. after i talked to her, my mom called me. i told her what was wrong...how i wake up every hour at night because i am either thirsty or sweatin like i am sleepin in the desert or because i have to pee....or all of them. this has been going on for about a month.....i havent told anybody cuz i didnt want to hear "cream..you need to go to the doctor." ill go when i damn well please. dont tell me what to do...i run this and you are not the damn boss of me. *soundin kinda like a control freak huh?* anyway, while i was talkin to my mom, my grandma beeped in. my mom put us on 3-way. i HATE bein on 3-way with them!!!! they play the "who knows more about cream" or "who knows whats best for cream" game. it kills me yo. my mom told my grandma the bizness.....why in the hell did she do that?? my grandma was yellin "cream...you got a bladder infection!!!!" how in the hell do you get that i have a bladder infection from whats goin on with me??? i just said "yes ma'am, ill make an appointment." lawd...then, my grandma hung up. so, i told my mother how scared i am. she said "why you actin like you gonna die or something? its just diabetes, damn." aight...if she wasnt my mother....i woulda flipped on her. shes my mother so i respect what she says but how is she gonna tell me i shouldnt be scared. i dont have anything wrong with my body that i know of and now there is a chance that something is wrong...thats some scary shit to me. i knew i shouldnt have said shit to her about it....but nooooo, i had to open my big mouth. now, my grandma is callin me every 2 hours to see if i made the appointment and if i am drinking cranberry juice, which i drink everyday by the way. im feelin some kind of way toward my mother cuz she doesnt understand how i feel yo. she makes it seem like me bein a diabetic aint shit. well...do i have to get re-occurring gonorreaherpesyphamidia and damn near die for her to give me some encouragment.....for her to say "baby, its gonna be ok." really, thats all i wanted. i just wanted my momma to tell me i was goin to be aight. she acts like me bein sick is no big deal....and really...it isnt a big deal...i mean, there are millions of diabetics in this world, but to have most of your family be diabetic and have to take insulin and 2 of them need kidneys because of their diabetes.....is a big deal to me. to have a doctor tell me i am a diabetic is one of my biggest fears and for her to say that my fear basically, aint shit, hurt me. well, it aint the first time and it damn sho wont be the last. i gotta go to work. cream out.

ooooookkkkkkkk......i been gettin a lot of "cream, are you ok's"....yo, i am fine. i go through shit just like errbody else. the only difference is....yall read it. thanks for yall concerns tho. i feel sooooo much better and all i did was draw and cut up a shirt. i expressed my creativity...that helped. it always has. so, cream is officially out of her mood. im going to a poetry society meeting....havent been in a while. i havent read in a minute either. maybe i need to. next....i cant wait to go home. yall already know that tho. the week i am at my mothers house, i am going to walk my dog everyday..unless it rains. i miss her like she is my child. then, i am goin to plant flowers in the front yard and tomatoes and cucumbers in the back yard. i always wanted to fix my mother a garden so this summer, i am going to do it. i cant wait til she comes and gets me. i have some shit up my sleeve. *evil laugh* i hope i get the classes i want to take at quinnipiac. if not, i dont know what i am goin to do. i cant go up there and do nothin....doin nothin aint me. i have to have something constructive to do or ill lose my damn mind. i have a couple of things i want to do this summer tho: 1) go vegan..i always wanted to do it...got close to it, never did it. 2) go on a real vacation to somewhere i have never been. 3) dye my hair blonde and leave it blonde for a week...never done that, always rinsed it red.....and a bunch of other things that i will add lata. next...im finally goin to the doctor...bein iggin shit for too long. might be a diabetic...it scares the piss out of me, but its better that i know if i am so then, i can treat it. i hate goin to doctors...they never know what the hell is wrong with me. its like they guess....shit, i can guess whats wrong with me dammit. tell me some shit i dont know. then they have the nerve to give me medicine...why would i take that shit if you dont know whats wrong with me??? anywhoo, i gotta go to class...cream's quote of the day: "mayn...i aint spendin money i dont have, on shit i dont need, for people i dont fuckin know." peace.....cream out.

cream's rambling........tears are fallin....i feel weak...like i have been workin all my life...like a slave...i let my past be my master and my fear be my overseer...i wish i could go back, back to when shit wasnt so fuckin complicated...when i was that little brown girl with them pretty eyes like light brown clouds that veiled my pain until things got too heavy and it rained all down my face....and they wonder why i have such sad eyes...if you could look into my life...into my heart...and see what i see and feel what i feel...you still wouldnt understand and you probably couldnt take it. i wanna go back before he, she, it, them, and now....before that curtain rose and indecently exposed my heart to pain....before my purity was tainted and my body was left scarred...before all the bullshit this life has served me on a paper plate....i wish i could go back to innocence.

poo revisited.......i believe this cloud over me is startin to move. its not completely gone but it is gettin there. i have been feelin a whole lot. when i say feelin i mean my emotions have been quite sensitive. i havent felt like this in a while.....the last time was when me and tia broke up. i dont feel any pain.....well, yes i do....i feel....more conscious....more aware of myself and more aware of my feelings towards a lot of issues as well as my feelings for people. operation poo is still in effect. i did not fathom that this process would be so long and would trigger my emotions like this. im thinkin about stuff that happened to me when i was younger that i thought i was over. keyword: thought. some big stuff....some little stuff. i have been walkin to class and all of a sudden and i will see something or hear something that will trigger a memory. or i could be talkin to woo and she asks me a question about my past that triggers a memory. its like all of a sudden, stuff that i thought i forgot, is comin back to me. stuff that i pushed in the back of my mind is comin front and center of my head. next...last night, artiste FINALLY showed me her work and i must say that she is soooo damn talented. i want to buy some of her work but i dont think shes goin to come off of anything...especially that bob marley sketch. when i am rich and famous, her work will be on all of my books, in my restaurants, on my clothes...every damn where. one day, i hope she draws me....blind contour (new art term for cream). blind contour means drawing without lookin at what you are drawing. cool huh? then...i will know how she sees me in her mind. next...i have been having a hard time writing. its not writers block...its me blockin my gift. its my fault...i have been comparin myself to other writers and as a result, i have limited myself as a writer and an artist. there are soooo many half written poems that i have thrown away because i felt that they werent good enough. yo, when i read audre lorde or staceyann chin, i am moved. i started comparing my work with theirs and as a result, i havent felt too hot about what i write lately. i have realized that this thing called writing is not about competition, its all about expressing yourself and people express their thoughts in different ways. a beautiful poem is in the eyes of the reader. i may think a poem is wack that another person may think is hot or vice versa. so, all i am tryin to do is express myself and write from my soul. be the best i can be doin me. peace....cream out.

what up gangstaaaaa......i havent felt like writin....just havent really been inspired. all i want to do is lay in my bed and sleep. maybe its because it has been raining all week. my ankles ache, i feel bloated...code red is long over due (could i be pregnant???...haaa picture that), and im tired of school...ready to chill somewhere and be easy. right now, i have a headache from the depths of hades that will not go away. i wish it would go away so i can go to sleep. i havent had a good nights sleep in a while. i am debating whether i am goin to be bothered this weekend. by being bothered i mean....am i goin to call my mom and tell her im havin some "me" time, cut my ringer off, cut my computer off, and just chill by my gotdamn self. i have been real snappy and evil lately....maybe that is the solution. i hope it rains all weekend so i can sleep in without the sun wakin me up. i need to be rejuvenated....its like i dont have any "get up and go" in me anymore. like i said, i just want to sleep. me and diallo are goin shoppin tomorrow. i have to get some tapes to record these movies for my mom, a bottle of merlot, some benedryl, a padded envelope to mail my girl her cds, gummy bears, an easter card for cream, and some cheetos. next....i was browsin and i want this, this, this, this with this, and these. all that would make me feel betta.i dont have anything else to write about....well i do....but i dont feel like it right now...maybe later. peace. cream out.

irony....here is my damn horoscope for the day:
You may be getting frustrated with love and romance, dear Capricorn, because they seem to be causing more tension than calm and relaxation. No one said love was easy, but it doesn't have to be completely miserable, either. The key is to not get too stressed out about the little things. Know and expect that not everything is going to exactly match your highest expectations. There are many aspects of a relationship that you simply have no control over - namely, the other person.

things fall apart....an hour ago, i cried. i finally released all the pain and stress i have been feelin for the past 2 weeks. i havent been myself lately....cuz i have been under so much pressure. i feel how i felt when i came to college. i could have went to school 45 minutes away from home....i didnt. i chose a school 4 hours away. i needed to get away from home before i lost my life through my own actions or someone else's. now, i am planning to move to connecticut when i graduate. that is a big change for me. comin to school was 1 thing....i would not have seen 22, if i had stayed home. i was with someone that physically abused me. the only way to get away from him was to leave home...and thats what i did. i wanted independence...i wanted to do my own thing. right now, i am so scared...i have never lived with anybody....i am so used to being independant that the thoughts of me being dependant scare the crap out of me. movin to connecticut would make me totally dependant. i dont like being dependant...never have. i took my training wheels off of my bike and taught myself to ride. i didnt want anybody helping me. if i was goin to learn....i was goin to teach myself. i am hella stubborn...i admit it. i wont ask anybody for shit. if something needs to be done....ill do it myself. i never want someone to be able to hold something over my head..."oh, i did this for you"or "i did that for you." i wish i knew what the future holds but only the most high knows my destiny....so i guess i am s.o.l.. this situation is forcing me to deal with issues within myself. the next one is trust. i have a hard time trusting people. yo, i can name the # of people i trust on 1 hand. it takes a lot to get my trust and if it is ever betrayed.....thats it. im not big on 2nd chances. you fuck up once...you are dismissed. me and cammie talked about all that on friday night. made me think a lot....why is it so hard for me to trust someone or be dependant on someone? i say....it has to do with my past experiences...not just in intimate relationships....it comes from the relationship i have with my family too. i have been hurt by my fam as well as people outside of my fam and it has made me very reserved when it comes to people. next...tonight, when i looked in the mirror....i didnt recognize myself. i mean, i knew it was me....but my reflection didnt match my self-image. goin to bed....need to gather my thoughts. lata....cream out.

one mo' gin......i am not sure if i already had a post called one mo' gin...but yo, that song is on my mind right now. next...im riiicchhh byyttcchhhhh.....well, not right now...i will be one day. right now, i got a little change in my pocket but i gotta save it for my books for summer school. savin money is hard for me...how do you save money when there are things that you need that you dont have??? i guess thats called sacrifice. that has been the word of the weekend and the question of the weekend is...would you do the same for me?? still thinkin on that. im tired of bein the person in the relationship that is sacrificing something....for example, i was thinking about transferring to my ex's school when we were together. she couldnt transfer because she has a full basketball scholarship....sooooo, i had to be the one that transferred. im tired of bein understanding. im tired of being the one that is sacrificing something...sacrifice for me dammit. overstand me. if i gave up my life as i know it....left the familiar and moved to a world of uncertainty, if the tables were turned, would you do the same? next... yesterday, me and my buddy diallo went to circuit city to exchange the memory chip i bought that didnt work. cream didnt have to cuss anyone out....they gave me the right one, i installed it all by myself, and now my comp has no molasses in its ass. next...i have this issue. its like, my brain links songs and smells to my memories.....if i hear a certain song, i automatically think about someone or if i smell a certain brand of cologne, i think about someone. its crazy. for example, if i hear "beautiful" by tweet, i think about me layin in the bed while my ex was drivin...it was dark...everything smelled like vanilla and coconuts (i was tipsy from some bu).....she had that song on repeat while we were talkin. she said that song expressed how she felt about me *yeah right*. thats a neutral memory....i dont feel good or bad when i think about it....its just a memory. i just wish the memories that pertain to my exes step to the back of my brain. is it....nah, ill keep that to myself. next...im in a mood. <--that is ya warning. i need to be listened to....not just heard. i feel i am bein heard...not listened to....not felt. that shit urks the fuck out of me. when i feel someone isnt listening to me....i get heated yo....i either walk away or hang up. i know that seems childish....thats just me tho. i listen to people so i expect the same in return. i shouldnt have to ask for a fuckin conversation yo...and i am not goin to. in addition to that, my mind needs to be stroked. i am tired of masturbating my brain. its gettin old yo. damn old. artiste is sick so i havent been conversin with her a lot lately *get well soon suga*....she keeps me sane yo. constant reminder that there are women that appreciate a good conversation with some "substance". yo, i just feel myself gettin more and more heated and deeper and deeper into the depths of moodiness...so ima end it here. peace....cream out.