queen me.........i have a fuggin cold. im fightin this shit with all my might. i dont know where the hell it came from but i wish it would go away. this shit sucks monkey’s balls. i have a snotty nose, a nasty cough, and headaches. praise the most high for aleve and nyquil tablets. next....my distain for my brother’s girlfriend has grown. dont get me wrong, she is an aight person but yo....she is the laziest chic. just because you have a job doesnt mean you can come home and lay around, eat, make messes, and sleep all damn day. fuck that shit. like i said before, they dont have maids in this bitch. today, she went to work for about 4 or 5 hours, came home, took a shower and changed clothes, and laid on the couch and slept for most of the day. that shit is not acceptable. fuck that. next...there is a little girl that lives down the street from us named mai. her mother doesnt keep her clean or her clothes clean. her hair is never combed. she is 3 years old and basically does what she wants to do. she runs up and down the street unattended. anyway, she comes over to play with my niece. now, my niece looks like a little prisspot all the time because my brother makes sure all of her clothes have matching shoes and accessories. she dresses like a little woman. mai came down here today with no shoes on. i asked her where her shoes were and she told me that she lost them. the shoes that i was referring to were a pair of imitation wallabies that are run down. i went into the house to see if i could find an old pair of my niece’s shoes because she has about 1232903980320 pairs of shoes. i find a pair of shoes and me and my niece walk to this house where mai was at. the damn house is a crack house. i want to drop kick her mother. anyway....i sat on the steps and put the shoes on her feet. mayn, mai was soooooo happy that she had a pair of shoes. she wanted to go with me and my niece but someone in that house was gonna do her hair so i told her she could come over later. well, later on i went to walmart and spent my last $2 on a pair of flip-flops for mai. there is no damn excuse why her mother cant buy her a pair of flip-flops and keep her clothes clean. none...whatsoever. its not like the bitch has a job. there i go gettin off topic again. i came home and put the flip-flops on mai’s feet and you woulda thought i had bought her some jordans. she said “they are sooooo pretty. now i can be pretty like her (she was pointing to my niece)”. that was my good deed for the day. i may be a mean ass at time but i have a good heart. next....i talked to ty again today. she told me that she and her girlfriend got into another physical fight. i keep tellin her and woo.....i wasnt fucked up enough for them. both of them like arguing and all that shit. im not the one for that shit. if ya want to argue and fight....im not the one for you. if i feel like i had to hit you to get my point across, we shouldnt be together. im leavin ya ass ASAP. i run from dysfunctional relationships like the plague. one was enough for me. ty told me that she still loves me. *LAUGHIN MY ASS OFF* that chic wouldnt know love if it punched her in the face and introduced itself. moving on.....there are 2 very different women wanting to be invited into my space. im not ready for a relationship right now. im takin this relationship thing a day at a time. ive been hurt too many times because i jumped into something that i shouldnt have known was gonna be fucked up. all the signs were there but i chose to ignore them. i let sweet words, good conversations, and a million empty promises cloud my vision. its gonna take a lot to woo me. its gonna take a lot to lock me down. i wont lower my standards for the sake of being in a relationship. fucka that. next....i havent talked to my good friend dubb in months. heffa is probably hibernating in her backyard. thank you for the cards lil daddy. now, call a chic. we have some work to do. *gettin out my corset, heels, short skirt, and berretta* next....i got my confirmation letter. basically, it says “yeah dammit, you really did graduate”. so, im all happy but i knew i graduated already. i feel sorry for those peeps that walked but really didnt graduate. well, im not one of them. now, i need a job. i applied for 2 social work positions but i need something now. i got things that i want, fuck that, i got shit that i need. im still focused on moving out this bitch. gettin my own apartment so i can walk around naked, burn nag champa incense, and have coltrane playing all day. damn, my brother’s girl gets on my nerves. *i had to say it again* next....my grandma is supposed to be gettin me cable internet. i know, i know.....im spoiled. i cant wait cuz this damn dial up shit is for the birds. i dont see how people do it. smh. when i get cable internet, ima change the layout. im tired of it being so damn dark. aight....im takin my ass to sleep. in a minute....peace and zakat.....cream out.

the eagle.......ive been antisocial as hell today. im in one of my moods i guess. actually, i know whats wrong with me. i feel fuggin out of place in this bitch. all my life i have felt like i was the oddball of my fam and really, i am. its like the stork dropped me with the wrong fuggin family. when i was in high school, i never thought that i would go to college. maybe the military, but not college. either way, i had to get the fuck away from here. ive never felt like i belong here and my fam doesnt make that seem untrue. it seems like everything i do is accepted, but frowned upon. it would be different if what i was doing was illegal or some shit. the fact that im legal as hell is the issue. smh. im just tired of feeling like being myself and feeling the way i do is fuggin wrong. thats why when i find a job, im moving into my own apartment in at least 6 months. i have to....for my own sanity. i refuse to feel the way i felt before i went to school. i refuse to let my mind go back to the way it was. i refuse to let this place turn me into the toxic being i was before i left. i refuse to let anybody in this bitch consume me. im comin in blastin muthafuckas. ya bedda duck. eagles soar alone. in a minute....makin peace with my steel.....cream out.

blahbread and gravy.......O.K.....I have graduated (most high willing) and now I am at home. before I began about home, lemme touch on my graduation. my mother and my father came. well, my sister, niece, step-mother, future sister in law, and my step mother’s grand daughter was there. it was actually kinda weird seeing my mother and my father in the same place at the same time. me and this boy...Ryan Robirds (I‘ll never forget his name)....talked through the whole ceremony. hell, we were bored out of our minds. when the lady called my name, i strolled across the stage. i could hear my momma’s mouth out of everybody that screamed my name. when i walked off the stage, my father was at the end. i hugged him and he took a damn picture of me. i’m tellin you, i hate taking pictures. i was tired, had bags under my eyes, and i was hot as all hell....i wasn’t in the mood for no damn pictures. when we got on the interstate, i got a tad bit pissed because none of the people that said they were coming, came. i was pissed for a couple of minutes and then i got over it. fuck it....but dammit i wont forget. trust and believe that shit. now, im at home and it has hit me that im not leaving in august. i feel somewhat stuck. i have to hurry up and find a job because my living situation isn’t gonna be cool for after a minute. my brother and his girlfriend are some lazy mofos. they act like they have maids. well uhhh...my name aint Florence muddasuckas and i’m not cleaning up after anybody but myself and my niece occasionally. They don’t clean anything but their asses. SMH. Another thing, I value my space. I like being by myself. I might have to get cable tv and cable internet in my room...then id only come out to use the bathroom. I have my mini fridge plugged up with snacks and drinks in it. That's another thing. They are some greedy mofos too. IN-CON-FUGGIN-SIDERATE. <----Need I say more?? Next.... I’ve gotten lonely a couple of times. I talk to Miss Down Down everyday. I talked to my buddy Nisha yesterday. Other than that, I haven't really talked to anybody. I guess since my location changed, people did too. Oh well. People that matter know how to find me. If you are one of the privileged people that have my number and haven't used it.... as of right now, don't use it. Put that in ya blunt and smoke it. I have no time for seasonal relationships. I'm a bit too grown for that shit. Oh...since I am talking about seasonal relationships.... lets get on these damn posers. I am so damn tired of people not being themselves around me. If you aint shit, don't act like you are about big things. If you haven't read a book in the past 5 years outside of magazines, don't act like you are an intellectual. If you are broke as hell, don't act like you can afford an escalade. If you are bisexual or confused, don't front like you are a lesbian. (that right there could get you shanked) if you just wanna fuck, don't act like you want a relationship. Just be up front and honest. Like my buddy Alia said “be naked around me”. Not literally you damn pervs. Well, a couple of yall could.... I’m jokin. Anyway, I'm tired of these women sayin “cream, your mind is so cool” “I love your mind” “I love how you think“, blah blah blahbread. Ok, ya think my mind is beautiful, thanks homegirl. What I don't get is, if it’s so damn beautiful, why the fuck do you attempt to play me? Like my mind isn't equipped to detect fuckin posers and bullshittas. Bitch please. I have a very sensitive bullshit meter on my cerebellum. Don't try to play me dammit, play lotto. Your chances of winning are better. The next chic that tries to run game is gonna get touched. Aight....thats enough for now. I’m finna clean my room. in a minute.....peace and steel.....cream out.

3 hours.....til i graduate. it still hasnt hit me yet. it looks like its gonna rain which would royally piss me off. i need to pack up my computer but i didnt want to until i updated my blog from the place that i started it from. my college years have been aight....i learned a lot. more about myself and life than academic stuff. i think it will really hit me that im a graduate when i leave my room. i hope everybody makes it here safely. i hope i dont fall and bust my butt when they call my name. i hope my momma doesnt scream too loud. i hope that my father comes like he said he was and i hope he and my mom can get along for the day. this has been my home for friggin eva. now, on to bigger and better things. the most high has a plan for me. anyway, i need to shower and get dressed before my fam comes. in a minute....peace and commencement...cream out.

im blastin: jay-z: heard of that
love venom.......so much to say. the past week has been hectic. after i took my statistics exam, i got a little teary eyed. my graduation depends on it. the exam was hard, as usual. the professor acted like it was easy as hell, as usual. it would be easy for her since she has her doctorate in behavioral statistics. ive been praying on it and most high willing, ill pass. i dont even want to think about that anymore....next. i went out tuesday night for my buddy laurice's birthday. she turned 21, so we went to applebees to get drinks. i was LIT. i had a mucho strawberry drink. all i know is it had cuervo in it. i wasnt drunk but i had a nice little buzz. then we went to the kappa sweetheart probate which was WACK as all hell. they are an social group, not a sorority. sad sad sad. its messed up that they are known for just sleeping with the kappas. smh. sheep are so damn sad. anyway, ames (amy) decided she wanted to go out to the afterparty at this club. so, i got all dolled up to go out. big mistake. first of all, there were nothing but fraggle lookin negroes and stank heffas in the club. i walked in and it seemed like the whole damn club turned around. i sat at the bar with laurice and ames...drank a couple of cosmos and watched the idiots make fools of themselves. yo...why in the peanut butter and jelly did this dude with golds all in his mouth sit beside me and stare like he wanted to say something. i looked at him and he smiled...i turned right back around. then, this old puerto rican dude tried to holla...yo, he has to be pushin 50. he came up talkin bout...come and dance with me. ummm...im not dancing because i do not want penis on my ass. all dudes wanna do is grind on ya booty and im not havin that crap. im not the one homeboy. when the whisper song came on, i got up and danced behind my bar stool. after the song was over, i sat my booty down and drank my drink. i didnt get home until around 3 or 4 and then i stayed up talkin to miss down down. for the past 2 weeks, we have gotten a lot closer. i dont know why but we have been talking a lot more....like a couple of times everyday. not that im complainin....thats my buddy. ive never met someone that was her age (ill keep it to myself for now) that has that much sense. she has more sense than the average 25 year old, which says a lot, trust. hopefully, she'll come see me sometime this summer. i still talk to india every now and then. honestly, its not like it used to be. i put my feelins in check and now im aight. i almost slipped and caught more than lust but less than love but i slapped the hell out of myself just in time. unless she fucks up, she'll always be my friend. she has shown me some things and not shown me some things that kinda bother me. i mean, if you like someone and you care about them, you show them. actions speak soooo much louder than words. its more about how you act than what you say. im done with the whole relationship thing until i find a woman that can offer me what i need in a relationship and i havent found that yet. so, im chillin...not lookin but not blind. ty called me today and i wasnt rude....for the second time. i dont despise her anymore but we will never be like we were. she laughed at me when i told her about what i had been doing. she always has thought i was an amusing chic....sometimes i am. i have a weird way of saying things. anyway, she told me about her girl and what she has been doing which basically boiled down to nothing. she has a lot of potential but she isnt using it. a mind is a terrible thing to waste homegirl. its like, she is a relationship chameleon. meaning, that she conforms to the behavior of the woman she is with. when we were together, she was working, going out occasionally, not gettin drunk, not smoking...basically, trying to progress...trying to get her own apartment, car, etc. now, she is working but she smokes weed, gets drunk to the point where she thought she had a drinking problem, and is basically just existing...not doing anything to further herself. like i said before, she lives in her girl's apartment and drives her girl's car. doesnt have a damn thing to show for herself. smh...damn shame. next...i still havent started packing. well, i packed a little bit but i have soooo much more to do. tomorrow im going to be runnin around all day. hopefully, ill get everything done by 6 pm so i can go eat sushi before i leave this city. i thought that i wouldnt be sad about leaving here but i am a little bit. this is where i blossomed into the woman that i am right now. this is the place where i was first independent. me and tia watched the sun set together in this room. i was made love to for the very first time, in this room. me and woo pulled the mattress on the floor and ate pizza together....i sat in front of the window while i was on the phone arguing with her MANY nights. jeanette picked me up for the first time in front of the statue in front of the library. i experienced my first real heartbreak here. i discovered that the chic that came here, wasnt really me and i stripped my soul to expose my true self.....here. so, yeah....there are a lot of memories besides academic related ones. ill be back.....one day. aight, thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and reflection....cream out.

miss cleo.......just a quick update before i continue to study for my statistics final. praise the most high for georgetown.edu...i wouldnt understand half of this stuff if it wasnt for their statistics website. on my study break, i read my horoscope for this week. lol...things that make you go hmmmm.
Mercury in Aries makes this a good time to talk about any changes you want to make at home with your family.aight...cuz im finna go home and change the game
As the Sun also squares Neptune, you also need to be careful if you're dating someone new, as they may not behave as you had hoped. How they appear and how they are may be two very different things. You may come to a profound realization Sunday, so take some time for deep thought. LMAOOOOOO....damn if that aint true.
aight back to studying homeboys and homegirls. pray for me. in a minute....peace and sun signs....cream out.

its me again
blastin: bran nubian- love me or leave me alone
my last post was crazy as hell....i know. i was angry but now im over it, somewhat. i have a lot on my plate...i graduate next week. its scary as hell. its come so fast. i havent had time to catch my breath. i always remember saying that i couldnt wait until i graduated but i never thought about what i would do after...well i guess i did....i had big dreams of being a DEA agent and then a lawyer and saving the world. lol. now, i just want a career in the criminal justice system, graduate from law school before im 30, and not live from paycheck to paycheck. graduating will give me a little bit more time to work on my writing. i am going to publish a couple of books. today, i went to the donning of the kente cloth ceremony. its a celebration for black graduates. mayn, i almost cried, i admit it. they called my name and as i was walking up to get my cloth and my award, it was like i was moving in slow motion. all i could think about was the time when i though id never go to college and all the people who told me that i wouldnt amount to shit. here i am graduating...muhfuckas. next....ive been hella anti-social for the past week. im PMS'n and i flipped on several people, ignored a couple more. next...i decided to call inayah today and to say the least, i got a bit pissed. she used to call me everyday, not that i expected her to, she just did. when she called, most of the time, i was either sleep, in class, or in court. i hadnt talked to her in about a week so i decided to call her. we didnt argue but there was tension there. there is no doubt that things have changed between us. maybe its my fault for being nonchalant about the situation. most of the time, im nonchalant about ANY situation. i mean, she is cool and before today, she had potential to be my woman...eventually. i have yet to meet a woman that makes me want to be in a relationship with her ASAP. like i said before, im not looking but im not blind either. im lettin things flow....everything in its time. i dont know if inayah and i will continue to be friends or if this will be the last conversation we ever have. either way, i learned from her and i hope she learned from me. now, on to india. we havent been talking as much as we used to. we both have a lot on our minds. it bothered me for a little while but like i always say....india is herself. ive met someone that is as moody and distant as i am at times. the only thing that bothers me is that i dont know what her intentions are. what the fuck does she want from me?? i cant ask her that because i dont know what i want from her. *sigh* anyway, im gonna go get some food and take a nap. in a minute......peace and power naps.....cream out

tempermental........my attitude is all fucked up and real shitty......i dont know if im just pms'n or if im just in one of my fucked up moods. anyway, take that shit as a warning. im even less tolerable of bullshit and more easily irritated than usual. come correct or get ya card pulled gatdammit. sooo, this post is not for the sensitive. anyway, plans changed....no visitors for cream. no doubt im disappointed....borderline pissed. i dont have shit to do this weekend because i planned on being chillin with her. i didnt know for a fact that she wasnt comin until the day before. i have a lightweight tude with her at this point. hell, i have a tude with the world at right now. cream is mad at the world bitches!!!!!!!

random thoughts and irritations:

1. being on fuckin hold. im impatient as hell and if i stay on hold for a while, i must really like you cuz i will hang up after 5 seconds if im on the phone with the average mofo. dont take advantage of that shit. appreciate the fact that i dig you enough to wait 10 seconds with yo ass. if ya gonna start a fuckin conversation, be considerate enough to click over and tell me you'll call me back. not clickin over pisses me off...thats incon-fuckin-siderate....smut.
2. why do people feel the need to knock on my door to tell me dumb shit or vent about their issues? if my door is closed, 10 times out of 10, i dont feel like being bothered. unless ya payin me $59.95, i dont wanna hear about ya fuckin problems. tell somebody who gives a fuck...mmkay?
3. these sororities tryin to recruit me. look dammit, i do not pay for friends. nor will i pay to be on a line for you to make me eat all kinds of weird shit, run, be referred to only as bitch, and basically have a bunch of no life havin cunts dictate my life for 3 months. i dont like sheep-like bitches under any circumstances. they have the nerve to say "yall hate us cuz yall aint us. we are the prettiest blah blah blah". yeah bitch, i hate the fact that you look like a bloated mud duck with your 24 inch yacky tracks showin....in a smedium pink and green jacket. most of yall are mugg as a bitch. the ones that are somewhat cute have dumpster juice attitudes. like i said....skee-wee on my dick, smut bitches. fuck you and your sorors...fuckin smut ass sheep. get an identity and a life. oh yeah, no thanks, ill pass on pledging.
4. dont do some fucked up shit and then act like ya didnt do anything. that is the quickest way to get cut. apologize and right ya wrongs...bitch. you will respect me in this bitch.
5. my computer is actin like a evil troll. if i didnt know i couldnt get another one, id riverdance all over this shit. i cussed my computer out 3 times yesterday. i was sooooo close to drop kickin it. i know ya thinkin....why cuss at it when it cant respond, doesnt hear you, etc? cuz its mine and i can verbally abuse it if i want dammit.
6. please, for your own sake, get my ass outta ya mouth. *throwin dirty tampons at shark bitches*
7. what the fuck is it doing snowing in april??? we couldnt get snow in the winter but it can snow in the spring. damn people fucked up the atmosphere now we cant tell one season from the next. smh.
8. i turned my phone off to keep from throwin it into the wall and then havin to pay $100 for it. wait til i turn it on...6 hours later. ill have 10 evil ass messages. "why ya got ya phone off???" cuz i didnt feel like being bothered bitch.
9. im soooo feelin this song. *blastin* i do know one thing tho...bitches they come, they go. i cant be ya wonder woman bitch. i think that will be my theme song for a while.
10. speaking of music...why in the hell am i feelin "holla back girl" by gwen stefani?? i find myself poppin my booty to this lame crap......this shit is bananas....b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
11. why are women so damn wack now? it seems like every chic that tries to holla, is a lame ass, ignorant, no ambition havin, smut. ima need yall to step ya game up and get ya shit together before you fix your mouth to say "can i get to know you better?". how bout hell no?
12. when is bilal gonna come out with another cd? "sometimes" is my shit!!!!
13. 2 weeks until i graduate and it still hasnt hit me yet.
14. i want to go eat sushi and drink merlot tonight. i didnt have to pay for the ingredients to a lasagna so its not like i dont have the money. nah, i shouldnt do that. being drunk and horny is not a good look right now.

thats enough for now dammit. i think i need to meditate or something. woooo sahhhhhh....peace and sayin what the fuck is on ya mind.....cream out.

no tears.......he called today....surprised the hell out of me. he usually does tho. its not often i hear from him. we, well...he talked for about 30 minutes. he said the usual, nothing but excuses. for the first time in my life, it didnt bother me. he didnt bother me. it was like, i was talking to a stranger. i loved him before i ever met him. to hear him speak is like hearing myself sometimes. we have the same "i dont give a fuck" attitude...his is aged and tired...you can tell its been around for a while. mine, young, fresh, and new...quick as a man fresh out of jail. there is not doubt that i love this man. i used to get teary eyed just thinking about how much i love him. i wanted to be with him, i wanted him to love me the way that i loved him. i wanted him to kiss my forehead and see the reflection of my smile in his. i hoped for so much at one point and time but that point and that time, isnt the present. im older, a little wiser, and that attitude of ours has gained more venom. when he told me he loved me today, i felt numb. like i said, there is no doubt that i love him but i have all the reason to believe that this relationship of ours is one sided. i used to wonder how you love someone but at the same time hurt them. in this situation, the hurt he used to inflict was a result of his upbringing. he doesnt know how to love because he has never been shown love. well, i take that back. he has been shown love but its so damn unfamiliar that he doesnt know how to react to it. maybe thats why it takes me cursing to get him to listen to me. i cant talk to him like a civilized adult because in reality, he's not a civilized adult. he may be an adult but he sure as hell isnt civilized. anyway, our conversation didnt hurt me but it did make me sit back and think. would i be the same if i had never met him?? probably not. he taught me a lot even tho he doesnt realize it yet. maybe one day we'll be able to sit down and converse without him getting angry or me walking away from the situation. who knows what may happen? all i know is, today, i conquered letting him move my emotions. he no longer has that power. ive realized that all i can do, is do me...the rest is up to him. in a minute...peace and dry eyes...cream out.

claritin induced ramblings.......its 3 am and since my eyes are aching because of my allergies, im awake. she is frequenting my mind, even tho im not pleased with her at the moment. i talked to my bestest friend nisha today and she was tellin me what happened when her, my ex, and my ex's new girl went to the club. to make a very long story short, my ex and her girl were arguing, ex gets out of the car and starts walking but her dumb ass is a longgggg way from her and her girl's apartment, yada, yada, yada. i almost felt bad for her....she works in the city her girl lives in and thats like 50 miles away. she lives with her girl. she doesnt have a car so her only means of transportation is her girl's car. so basically, she is stuck in a relationship that she isnt happy in. karma is a bitch huh? anyway, i was thinking about all of my past relationships and how all of them ended. not saying that i was totally innocent in every one but every last one of them ended because of something they did. true, i can be a meanypants occasionally and yes, i am moody as fuck, and yes....i dont take no shit...so i can see where things that i might have done or said slightly soured the relationships. this is the longest i have been single and it actually isnt that bad. im doing me....ive always seemed to be in a relationship. im not lonely more times than i am. my company kicks ass....more people should take time to just chill with yourself. devote the time and effort that you would have on a relationship, to yourself. gatdammit, you'll feel like a new person. im talking to new people, no strings attached...basically just out to enjoy myself. im not looking for anything but at the same time, im not blind. ya feel me? now, me and india....who knows what is gonna happen? she......smh.....she is herself, thats all i can say. im not gonna comment because i feel some kinda way right now. i feel like im gonna be single for a while unless someone shows me something beyond bullshit. show me ya soul ho!!!! lol...my buddy tee jaye got me endin every sentence with ho. its better than my usual baaatch ending. next...tomorrow, i dont have to go to my internship. praise moses. i have a lot to do. walmart to get some damn tissues for my drippy nose. sewing class so i can finish this damn button down. laundry because a person could camp out in the pile in my corner. clean this damn dusty ass room...i hate that fuckin steel mill across the street. some chic that likes me is supposed to be braiding my hair tonight. we'll see how that goes. she isnt bad looking but once again i say, im not looking for anyone. lmao....i got mike jones-like on ya ass. I SAID.....im not looking for anyone. oh yeah.....the new layout. it took me 3 hours, which is good considering the fact that it was totally different from my last layout. omahyra is lookin so damn sexy over to the left. i lick my lips everytime i see that pic (joke). fa real tho, she is sexy as hell. she could definitely get the business. speaking of the business....my horny streak has not stopped. im still a horny toad. i cant wait to release all this sexual frustration im havin. the next woman i am with is gonna get it. that wet spot is gonna be HUGE. im talkin bout...fuck sleepin, we gon have to strip the bed and wash the sheets type shit. aight, i feel myself rambling. im takin my swolled eyed, sneezin every 15 minutes, runny nosed havin ass to bed. in a minute....peace and benedryl....cream out.

unadulerated.....warning, this may be a long post. so, get a glass of kool-aid and something to snack on. hmmm...where to begin? my family. i got a phone call from my grandma earlier this week...before i could say hello, she was cursing. she only curses when someone REALLY pisses her off. so, im thinking "damn, what the hell did i do?" well, she was mad because my great aunt called her and asked her why she hadnt received a graduation invitation from me. well, them damn things are 7 for $80 or something like that so im not gonna worry about a damn invitation. you are lucky if you get a call from me. anyway, my grandma was flippin because this is the same aunt that told my grandma that i wouldnt graduate from high school and basically i wouldnt ever be about shit. well ladies and gents, im graduating from college, most high willing. put that in ya pipe and smoke it. my aunt went on to question if i was even graduating at all....like, me not sending invitations was a sign that im lying or some shit. believe what the fuck you want homegirl....you'll be one of the people that i dont call to invite. aint like i wanted you there anyway. in all honesty, i dont want to go but im being forced to go by my mother and grandmother. thats the least i can do since they kinda helped me get through this hell called college. back to my aunt...so, a couple of days goes by. she sees a man that she went to high school with and the man says, your niece's husband works for me. that niece he was referring to is my mother and of course the man is my father. *sigh* so, my aunt decided to call my father and announce that i was graduating and all that shit. now...wasnt this the same chic that questioned if i was graduating or not??? uhh huh...thats what i thought. anyway, she talks to my father and then calls my grandma to tell her what she did. my grandma calls my mother and then...my mother calls my father. now, keep in mind that i havent decided if im going to tell him im graduating because im not sure if i want him there. his ass hasnt called me in about 2 months and like i said before, im not calling him first anymore. fuck that. my mother tells him that im graduating and asks him if he wants to go. uhhh...who said that i wanted him there in the first place??? so, when my mother calls me and tells me the whole situation, im heated. im a grown ass womyn and i can make my own decisions. i dont need anybody inviting anybody or trying to make plans for me. leave me the fuck alone. so, as of right now, my father still hasnt called and i still havent decided if im going to invite him. i know if he came then his mother would too and yo, not to be funny but uhhh...i dont like her and she doesnt like me. i dont want her at my graduation. i havent talked to that woman in 6 years. nor has she ever asked about me or anything. to her, i dont exist. so, fuck her with an anthrax soaked tampon. this graduation thing is so damn stressful yo. ill be so damn happy when this shit is over. i took my statistics test and i was confident until i saw that shit. it was like, damn, she told us to study this shit and none of what she told us to study is on this test. everybody did bad...which didnt make me feel any better but it didnt make me feel really bad....hell, that shows im not the only one that doesnt understand her ass. i dont know what she is gonna do as far as the test...all i know is i better pass gatdammit. its so much more at stake than me graduating. my brother called me this afternoon to say that he flipped on my mother's ex. smh. i knew it would happen eventually. i calmed him down and hopefully, this is the end of his anger. i said...hopefully. i feel like i have to go home because my family needs me. im the glue that holds us together. now, i know how my grandfather must have felt. on to more cheery things......im soooooo sexually frustrated yo. lmao....thats not too cheery huh? sex is on my brain something nasssty. *sigh* its been bad since friday. nothing happened to trigger it, i just woke up like "hmmmm....i wanna do the oochie". me and india (the chic ive been talkin to) have been talking a lot more. we arent together but its almost like we are. we talk every day and if we dont, one of us has a damn attitude. im still kinda talkin to inayah. she has been real distant for the past 2 months. im going through so much in my life that i dont want to add any more complications to her life. there are other things that are keepin me from letting down my guard. her and india are totally different. i mean, like night and day. right now, im just chillin. one day ill be in a relationship but i dont see that happening anytime soon. im not ready and i know that no one else is ready for me. i need to breathe. in a minute...peace....cream is the opposite of in.

cosa nostra.....she and i just got off the phone. words spoken, taken literally, their meaning left unheard. voices were raised a few octaves...arguing as if there was not a she and i but a we....as if her intentions were more than friendship with a couple of bedroom benefits. as if i could put a title on what she and i are or will be. in the midst of the ebbing and flowing of sharp words....tempers were inflamed and tongues were bit. blood fell from my lips leavin a bitter taste and a nice stain on this...thing...this cocktail of friendship and lust...our very own cosa nostra. i was angry when i wrote that....took me less than 10 minutes. anyway, i dont know what will happen between us because tension is gettin high...high like crackheads on weekend. i dig her a lot, maybe more than i should, but right now, im just tryin to enjoy myself and i know that she is too. she doesnt have to tell me that she sees other people or that she has been intimate with someone else because in my heart, i know. ask my exes...they'll tell you im like miss cleo when it comes to stuff like that. i know when something isnt quite right. ive sat down and thought long and hard about this situation and my conclusion is...what makes me feel good is most important right now...whether that is finding a job so i can start my career, splurging on some new sandals to show off my pedicure, or being intimate with her. whatever happens, happens. why stress it? im just making sure my feelings dont get involved. im only responsible for my feelings. next...i talked to both of the exes that i converse with today. i actually missed both of them....not in a relationship type way tho. they are the people that know me best and i love them for that. they taught me a lot. both told me that at one time, they wanted to get back with me. flattering....but its not gonna happen. getting back with either one would be counterproductive. i rode both of those horses before and got bucked off....im not gonna be a fool and get back on either of them again. fucka that. next....im beginning to see things in a different light. its like something just clicked in my head and said..."have fun, enjoy life" and thats what im striving to do everyday. hell, im 24 years old and i never dreamed that i would be where i am right now. ive been on this earth 24 years and there is so much i want to see and do. who knows when the most high will take me from this earth....until it happens im going to enjoy myself and live as freely as i can. next...i finally told the girl down the hall that im a lesbian. i dont know how she didnt know but uhhh....she didnt. now, she is givin me the eye and shit but she has a girlfriend. now...she could get the bizness if she didnt have a girlfriend. cream is not a homewrecker. anywhoo....thats enough. im going to watch the l word. in a minute....peace and doin me....cream out.



Shane - You're fun and exciting; but a little
distant. You never get too connected wherever
you go; but you are able to let your friends
know that they are important to you without
tying yourself down. Truth is you're afraid to
get too attached because when it comes to love
who knows what will happen; don't be so afraid.
Other than that everythings cool; you do things
your own way and encourage people to do things
their own way too.


Which L Word Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

the people's champ......well hellerrrr....its been a long time and yo....the break was needed. before i begin my rants, i created a new forum. the other host was all screwed up so i decided to change hosts and start from scratch. my forum is open to anyone with an open mind and intelligence....so, join and post up. anywhoo, my spring break was aight. i chilled with my niece a lot. to see her runnin out of my brother's car screamin "AUNTIEEEEEEEEEE" was the highlight of my trip. its amazing how children love unconditionally......they love you beyond the bullshit. i want to protect her from all the evils of the world but i know i cant. im just going to make sure that she has a better childhood than i had and feed her brain as much as possible. she wants to know about everything. i was laying on the couch and she was sittin on my back playing with my fro while i was reading "the little red hen" to her. she told me that she wants to go to school so she can be smart like me. lmao. i promised her that i would teach her everything i know, plus pay for her to go to school like me when she gets older. the child is so damn intelligent yo. she's started writing the alphabet and she is only 3. i refuse to let her mother's chickenhead, project, hoodrat mentality rub off on her. i know that sounds cold but yo...its the truth. my niece has 4 cousins on her mother's side and they are all bi-racial. she told me that they told her she was ugly because she has "nappy" hair. she went on to tell me that her mother said if she called my mother "momma" that her mother would get one of her cousins and my niece wouldnt be her baby anymore. yall...i flipped the fuck out. first of all, i know i cant blame the children for what they said. they are all under 8 years old so that opinion of "nappy hair is bad" has been put in their heads. BUT...its up to my niece's mother to correct that shit. i refuse to let my niece believe that she is inferior just because she doesnt have straight, european hair. fuck that. i sat down with her and told her that her hair is beautiful and so is she. me having natural hair myself helped a lot. she always is messing with my hair and tellin me how pretty it is. well, her hair is the same texture as mine. i told her to tell her cousins to kick rocks. as far as the comment that her mother made about calling my mother "momma".....smh. a dog gives birth but that doesnt make her a momma. she stood in front of me when she was 8 months pregnant talking about how she didnt want to have a baby and she wanted to get an abortion. she is an immature, inane, extraneous, and in the words of my buddy alia, a ho ass smitch. fuck her and her life....my niece would be better off without her. she is the prime example of a deadbeat mother. enough about that, me and my fam had a lot of fun. i love my fam and i know they love me. i went to see my brother's best friend in jail and i had tears in my eyes. i never thought that i would see him on the other side of that glass. i never thought that he would do the things he did. he and my brother have been friends since they were in the 1st grade. i remember that boy was over our house all the time and always had a damn basketball in his hands. i thought he end up being an pro athlete because his game was tight as hell. i dont know where shit went wrong. the situation is sorta like my ex's situation. they both had the potential to be great athletes and productive people but something went wrong. they both got caught up in "the fast life", as old people say. anyway, i was telling him what he needed to do as far as his lawyer and all that...all the while, tryin not to cry (i'ma sensitive mofo). my mother said that he wrote me a letter so this weekend i have to write him back. in the letter, he said that my family is the only family that he has ever known and we've done more for him than his blood relatives. smh. looking in his eyes when i went to visit him showed me that shit isnt good with him. his mouth says one thing but his eyes say something totally different. he's like my little brother and i want to make sure that he doesnt hurt himself while he is locked up. next....my view of this whole life thing has changed slightly. im a lot less uptight than i used to be. no need in gettin stressed about things that you cant change. im here to enjoy myself. of course ill experience pain, but it wont be because im purposely puttin myself in that position. meaning, if something makes me unhappy, then im out. im all for my own happiness right now. i dont have time to be all sad and shit. i have a life to live. the most high put me here for a reason and i refuse to waste this opportunity called life. speaking of the most high, i went to church while i was home. *GASP* lmao. i know...i dont seem like the type to go but for some reason, i went. the sermon was something that i needed to hear. "exceeding expectations"....there are some people in life that expect you to fail, they want you to fail. with faith in the most high and the same amount of effort, you can exceed expectations. thats the cliff notes version. anyway, this entry is rather lengthy so ima end it now. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

hmmmm....im workin on my new entry. should be up tomorrow.


F:

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Planet: Mars Hair
Color: Red Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

daydreamin.....my weekend has been uneventful as usual. im starting to get out of my lazy phase. laziness gets you nothing. so, i got up and cleaned my room. hell, thats a start. i deep conditioned my hair because it needed it, BAD. as my hair has gotten longer, its gotten more curly. after i wash it, my hair looks like a mini version of kelis' hair. cant wait for it to grow long enough to wear it in a big ponytail. everything in its time tho. next...in my pursuit of living the life i want to live, i have lost focus in some of the things that used to move me. i used to read all the time. i need some new books to read. im so busy reading stuff for school or running around trying to prepare for graduation, that i dont really read anything except on the internet. i used to write all the time. yall already know im in a period of not being inspired and feeling unexpressed at times. its like the words are there, they form bits and pieces of poems, and when i go to write, they vanish into thin air. again, everything in its time. next...in the last post, i was talking about a certain someone that i was daydreaming about being intimate with. the daydreams havent stopped....but now, im actually thinking about what they mean besides the fact that im sexually frustrated and therefore, a horny toad. *ahem* i cant allow someone to caress my body and taste my essence without some kind of overstanding. i need so much more than physical contact with a woman. hell, i got 5 fingers and an imagination if i just wanted a nut. the next time i am intimate with a woman, i want our souls to kiss. i want something so miraculous and so beautiful that it erases all the wrong and all the hurt that ive ever experienced....even if its just for that moment. i want it to sooth the ache, thats all. oh yeah, and i dont want it to add to the fucked up experiences ive had. *shaking my head* im so tired of dishonesty and disloyalty. im tired of being in unfulfilling relationships. only i complete me...but i would love to have a beautiful accessory. *let than marinate for a few* back to the woman im daydreaming about, unless she shows me something more than what she's shown me thus far, intimacy between us will stay in my daydreams. she has shown me a lot about herself but i dont know what her intentions are. of course nobody's intends to hurt someone (unless they are a sick, diabolical mofo) but that doesnt stop me from thinking about what she wants from me. i have to protect my heart and my feelings because like i said earlier, im tired of the dumb shit. what happens between me and her remains to be seen. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

the dot on the i......hmmmm....is it wrong to think about what her skin feels like or how she tastes? or how her kisses would feel on my neck or how her hands would feel on my thighs or how her poetry would sound in my ears while she is laying next to me playing in my fro. conversations with her are easy but letting down my guard and my inhibitions is hard. the fact is, im not into casual sex or flings. when i have sex i want it to be a symbol of the love that we share for each other. not two people gettin their nuts with no feelings involved. for some people its cool, but for cream, its soooo not cool. now, i dont think its wrong to think about being intimate with her. there's nothing wrong with thoughts, as long as they dont become actions. im not gonna lie yo....thoughts of her...and me...hot...sticky...covered in honey...and...ooohhhhhh shit. *fannin myself* *ahem*...sometimes, i wish that i could have casual sex...maybe i wouldnt be so damn sexually frustrated. my body needs to be touched with hands other than my own...but i know that after it was all over and we are layin there sweaty and out of breath in a big ass wet spot......id feel fucked up. honestly, the topic of a relationship more than friendship hasnt really been discussed....why? i have no idea. i know when i talk about other women her tone changes...she tries to act like she isnt phased and i know better. as far as the other chics ive been talking to...some are still around, strictly on a friendship level. im just not feelin anybody. no one has really held my attention for a long time. either they are crazy as all hell, confused, immature, remedial as in "the little bus", or they just get on my damn nerves. i used to think i was being hard on them, like i was being too selective. hell, i know what i like and what i can deal with and most of these chics aint eeeeeeeeeeven up to par. i know that sounds conceited but if i dont think im a queen and im worthy of nothing less than a queen, all im going to get is cluckheads. real recognizes real....trust and believe it. there is one young lady that i dig a lil sumthin...but i dont know how in the hell it would work anytime soon. she is int he process of gettin her shit together. im not going to interrupt her process. only time will tell what happens between me and her. next...insomnia is kickin my ass....along with my new found laziness. i havent felt like doing SHIT that isnt beneficial to me. smh...maybe thats a good thing. next...right now, i have sushi on the brain. i ate sushi last friday and dammit...im cravin more. tuna rolls and wasabi is the bomb. it makes my mouth happy. the only thing is....it makes me more of a hornball than i already am. *sighhhh* ok...ima attempt to go to sleep now. in a minute....peace and sexiness....cream out.

sesa woruben......the past couple of days, we have been talking. the conversations are different....filled with laughter and uncomfortable bouts of silence after the mention of something we did when we were together. like the first day we met and i cooked for her and she fuuuuuuucked that chicken up...how nervous i was walking out of the bathroom in my 6 inch heels and my lace negligee....hoping that i wouldnt bust my ass. we have a love-hate relationship. sometimes i love her and sometimes i wanna judo chop her in the throat. i told her that an old aquaintance of hers has a mini-crush on me. at first, she was like "oh...fa real?" then, maybe 30 minutes and a couple of topics later, she brought it up again. her going on and on about it let me know that she still has feelings for me. i cant lie and say there arent any feelings in my heart for her because there will always be place in my heart for her. she knows more about me than anybody outside of my family. i just didnt think that she felt the same way about me. evolution always moves forward....ill neva go there again. next....remember all those chics i was talking to? well, the chic that played with her cooch on the phone was dismissed waaaaayyyyyy back. the young puerto rican was dismissed around the same time. the chic that i was feeling recently has gone stagnant. the chic in georgia is still around, barely. she is hanging on by a thread. the aquaintance of my ex's is real cool peeps but i dont see anything developing between us. i have a lil crush on someone who shall remain nameless. she intrigues me....makes me smile in the brief convos we have. next....ive been working out a lot lately. releasing all this frustration is a good thing. im tryin to get my body right for my health. im tryin to live to be in my 90's. i want to do everything that ive ever dreamed of. like 50 said "i gotta lotta livin to do before i die and i aint got time to waste" in a minute....peace and living it up....cream out.

uhhh.....ok......at the present time, im at my lovely internship. there arent any trials this morning so im chillin in the office. i felt the sudden urge to spill my guts so...here i am. ive been vibing with a lot of people lately, all positive. its funny how when you are surrounded by or just interacting with positive people, it changes the way you see things. they have opened my eyes to quite a bit. that leads me back to my "confidence" issues. i am my worst critic, i know this for a fact. the reality is tho...if i dont believe i am greatness in all aspects of my life, who will? my confidence issues have hindered me from writing like i used to. nobody came out and said "cream, what you write is garbage." but i felt that way. im working on not comparing myself to others. staceyann chin is talented but she's not me and im not her. that applies to all the writers that i admire. i pulled out a notebook and started writing again. slowly but surely, im steppin my game up. next....my phone hasnt been ringing like it used to. am i upset about it? hell no. most of the time, its someone calling me to vent or talk about some ish that i dont want to hear anyway. i shoulda charge $59.95 for each session. id have money to buy these petit peton boots i want. the only person that calls me to vent now is my grandma and she is excused. she needs to vent and to hear my opinion of the situation...cuz "cream is the only one that has some damn sense". *blushin* i love my grandma. thats my heart. anyway, im glad certain people, namely my exes, havent been calling me. we're cool but i feel that there is some distance needed. they are a part of my past and they need to stay there. maybe one day, ill be able to talk to them without feeling any ill feelings but right now....i wouldnt mind tellin them all to take the express train to hell. mean ass cream...yeah yeah, i know. next....ive been tired as hell lately. there arent enough hours in the day for me to do what the hell i need to do. it seems like im constantly doing something other than what i need to do for myself. i dont have time to rest...4 hours of sleep a night is a blessing. insomnia is no joke boys and girls. just to be easy for a day would probably do wonders. since i have monday off...that will be my "be easy day". im gonna sleep late and only do things that benefit me. its all about me, me, me, me, me. anyway, im going to find something to do. in a minute....peace and selfishness....cream out.

seconds of pleasure.....i admit, ima sensitive mofo. i come off as mean and cold but under the mean mug and the "fuck you and the pussy you came from" attitude, lives a sensitive chic. only certain people can really hurt my feelings and one of those people did. they dont know they did, but trust and believe, i havent forgotten anything that they said or did the last time i saw them. which brings me to the conclusion i need to check my confidence. my un-belief in my self has hindered me from doing soooo much. i thought i wasnt good enough. i though i wasnt pretty enough. i thought i wasnt smart enough. when in reality, i could have succeeded in those things, i just didnt put forth the effort out of fear and lack of confidence. i have sooo many things i want to do in my life and i need to take care of that confidence issue ASAP. the person that hurt me didnt do it on purpose...maybe i needed that to happen to make me realize the issue. maybe one day ill put aside my ego and tell them that they hurt me....maybe. next...ive been thinking about sex soooo much today. im turning into a little hornball. listenin to van hunt isnt making it any better. there is so much i havent done that i want to do. i want to make love in the country while its raining...the rain washing the red mud from our bodies. there are other things besides that but ill keep them to myself. i dont want to expose the freak that i am...lol. it all boils down to, i want to be made love to. i miss the intimacy of a relationship...i miss being touch by hands other than my own. i admit, its nice to sleep by myself, but sometimes i miss having to share the cover. i miss all the little things about a relationship that most people take for granted. one day it will happen....in due time. next...i went to the gym today and my legs are sooooo sore. they are tight from all the walking that ive been doing and that damn elliptical machine. ill be where i need to be, physically, in due time. the mental thing is gonna take a minute. aight homegirls and homeboys, i need to study. in a minute....peace and loving my damn self....cream out.

1 to da 2, 2 to da 3, 3 to da 4.......so much has happened, so much i need to write about. this post might be a long one, so get comfy. its funny how people dont appreciate the little things that this world offers you. it was really pretty outside and warmer than it has been in a while. 40 degrees feels like heaven when its been below 20 degrees for the past 2 weeks. anyway, i did my laundry, chilled, and enjoyed my solitude. that didnt stop my mother and my grandma from callin me every 30 minutes. they tend to put me in an uncomfortable space. my grandma calls me to talk about my mother and a lot of things she says are true. some things are exaggerated but i listen anyway. i know im the only person that she calls to vent so i just sit quietly and listen. now, my mother calls me to talk about my grandma. they both need to go to dr. phil or some other therapist because im tired of feeling like the middlewoman. it hurts me when my grandmother says negative things about my mother but hell...sometimes its the truth. like the old saying goes...the truth hurts. i love my mother but i dont agree with her choices and how she goes about things sometimes. i know she doesnt agree with some of the things that i choose, especially my sexuality, but the difference between me and her is....she has been on this earth a lot longer than i have and she is still making the same mistakes that she was making when she was my age. there have been times where i have sat down and tried to figure out why she is the way she is and why she thinks the way she does. i came up with nothing. oh...and my father. smh. i havent talked to him since my birthday. i know he has my number and i refuse to call him. all the contact that we have ever had as been because i initiated it. next...on to my non-existant love life. chics these days trip me out. my motto is "fuck 'em". if you cant come correct, on a grown woman level, please feel free to stay the fuck away from me. its like everytime i turn around, another one bites the dust. smh....one day a good woman come into my life. i need to stop bullshittin and take my ass to bed. in a minute....peace and lemme lone bitch...cream out.