alone......well, im home and she's gone. before she left, i cried like i knew i would. nothin could prepare me for the way i felt when i kissed her for the last time for 2 months. i just know i have to stay focused til october 1st. next....home is, home. aint shit changed. i still feel like i dont have a home...this aint mine and its become more and more obvious that its not. this is just the place i was raised and the place my fam lives. nothing more, nothing less. when i move into my own place, its goin to be one of the happiest days of my life. just to know that its mine and i dont have to clean up after anybody else and i dont have to answer the phone or get off the phone or listen to anybody's shit cuz dammit its mine....is goin to be so wonderful. next....da kid has gained weight. i dont gain weight anywhere but my damn gut. i am goin to start doin some things so i can minimize this gut of mine that gets on my nerves....i need a change. next....the whole time i have been home, my dog has been following me around. im beginning to think that she is the only one that appreciates my presence. she looks at me like i am the queen of the universe. thats my baby tho....i luh her ass. next...woo told me that she likes it when i am in a good mood......shit, who doesnt. i just cant be cheery all the damn time....at least not right now. i have so much on my mind.....a lot more than i choose to tell people, so i cant be all peachy all the time. people always say that. yall think about this...have you contributed something to my mind or my spirit to inspire me to smile???? if not....dammit hush. next....this damn dial up thing is gettin on my nerves. dammit, i hate dial up but its goin to have to do for a month. its a part of my struggle. one day i will sit back and laugh at all this.....one day i will have what i need and most of what i want......i kow that day will be soon. btw....thanks for the love in the tagboard and the notes.....yall just dont know how much its appreciated. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

70 days........today is the day i have dreaded for 2 months......we hit the road at 5. i get tears in my eyes just thinking about leaving. this has been a learning experience....yall already know that. ive packed my stuff, now all i have to do is wash my hair and get dressed. anyway...(im gettin teary eyed), she is goin to stay with me for a couple of days. im goin to show her everything that i couldnt show her the first time she came to see me. the next time i post....i will be at my mother's house. she called me this morning, all excited.....im excited too in a way but im really not looking forward to the drama and the issues that come with being there. i already know that i am goin to be on the phone with woo all the time......just to keep my sanity. next.....i havent talked to a lot of people in my circle...mainly because i am not online that much. i miss my friends.....i hope they miss me. when i get back to my mother's house.....ill be able to call them FOR FREE. free long distance is a wonderful thing. yo...the clock is tickin...i need to get dressed......peace cream out.

in a minute.......i debated on deleting my last post all night. should i....shouldnt i? well, my conclusion is, im not. as much as i try not to write about me and her....i do. i write whats in my heart and my love for her is there along with a million other things. 3 days til i leave connecticut. i am shook. i have slept in her bed for 2 months. im used to her pulling me close to her while she sleeps and her snoring in my ears. im used to holding her locs when i sleep. im used to rubbing her stomach and giving her insulin. im used to pampering her when she doesnt feel good. im used to being with her. it will be at least 2 and a half months *insha'allah* til i see her again. when she leaves me this time, things will be much different than when she left me march. in march, it was the first time we met in person and it was only a weekend. my feelings for her are much stronger than they were then. we have been through so much. next.....my mother is excited about me comin back. i miss her, but i dont miss home. like i said before, its a toxic place for me. im glad that i will be seeing my brother and my niece. my niece is gettin so damn big. she makes me want to have a baby......not until i am 24 tho. next....im glad that i go back to school in a month. i am goin to hurry up and graduate so i can establish myself.....make my dreams reality. love is callin.......peace cream diga out.

to you aka creams ramblings part trois.......my hands are shakin...i can barely type...i can barely see...my eyes filled with tears. you are downstairs, basically because you dont want to listen. the relationship i had with her is past tense, you of all people should know that. i have told you over and over again about how we were and why we are no more. its over and never will be again. she is the past, you are my present and *insha'allah* my future. if it bothers you, i am willing to step back from the situation. im not sayin i wont be her friend....i just wont talk to her as much as i do. i know if the tables were turned, i would feel the same way. all i ask is that you do the same for me. as far as last night, i answered every question that i heard, i put that on everything i love.....i wasnt iggin you. next....when something is on your mind, let me know. you walkin around not talkin to me doesnt help the situation. how am i supposed to understand if i dont know whats wrong? how can i correct a problem that i dont even know exists? you dont know how much it hurts me when you just walk by me, like im a piece of furniture. like right now, i went to talk to you cuz i knew something was wrong by the way you were acting....i came to you and you wouldnt even look at me. that shit hurt me. it made me feel like i was just a chair or just a lamp. made tears come to my eyes....thats why i walked away. i wont let you see me cry anymore. i just want to be happy with you...like when we first laid eyes on each other. minus all the attitudes and all the bullshit and all the tears. just us, happy. i try my hardest to create a positive space for the both of us to dwell in together. i am givin this my all....everything in me and even some shit that aint. my eyes are burning.....eyes have had enough......peace...cream out.

freewriting.......eyes fixed on the ceiling...watchin the moon...sleep is not here...but you are...coupled but singled....in my soul....comes....this cravin...this need...that envelopes me...makes me need to be closer to you...to feel your heart on my fingertips...hear it whisper my name...and embed it into my mind...your hands slide from my hips to cupping my breasts...i arch my back...my nails rip yours...your tongue moves across my nipples...your kisses make me slightly delusional...i want you...tears fall...my feelins elusive to you...wanting you to ease this persistant pain....this throbbing i have from the core of my soul......to be loved. copyright (c) all rights reserved. peace.....cream out.

unexpressed frustrations.......im not home yet....will be there **insha'allah** on wednesday. im a little excited cuz so much has changed since i last saw my fam..not just with me, with them too. im goin to miss my girl...she gets on my damn nerves sometimes but i am goin to miss her ass. as soon as i get home, im gettin a job so i can save money to do the shit that i really need to do. i need to buy school shit and a train ticket to connecticut for october. i have learned a lot about myself since i have been here. im goin back to va, a different person. next....i havent written a poem in about 3 weeks. i have a severe case of writer's block. its not that i am not inspired...its just when i pick up my pen, it doesnt move. hopefully, it will come back soon cuz i miss writing....startin to feel like a fish out of water. my creativity has been flowing so maybe thats why i havent been writing. i have so many ideas....so much shit that i am goin to do and make and learn.....damn. i know this is a short post.......but i have some shit on my mind that i need to get straight. peace........cream out.

back to me......its been a minute....i find myself not writing in here as often as i used to. at one point, i wrote everyday. i just dont feel the need to write here if nothin is goin on. i get tired of writing the same shit. anyway, this week has been aight. me and woo went shoppin...copped some shoes and and an echo bag. we went to a casino too....i realized that i am not a gambler. when i dont win, i get salty as hell. i had fun watchin her win tho. next.....im lookin forward to working when i get home. i wont have to be around my mother's boyfriend...yay. plus, ther are some things that i want to do and get. im goin to make a list and as i do things, ill cross them out. it will be a link so yall can see. its goin to be kinda long so its goin to take me a minute. next.....i go back to my mother's house on friday. not really looking forward to it. that place is so damn toxic to me. all i plan to do is work, shop, and i might go to the club occasionally. other than that, i dont want to have any interaction with natives. next....me not havin a place to call home has been on my mind a lot lately. i used to try not to think about it but now, i cant help but think about it. its makin me work 100 times harder to establish my own shit. some place where i feel welcome and i dont feel like an outsider. some place that is mine.

hot pearl c……I have so much on my mind…this might be a long post so get a snack and something to sip on. A lot of things have triggered deep thought today. First, my job. Yo, I work for peanuts. I work my ass off and I can’t do anything I need to do with the money I make….its not even putting a dent in my list of needs. Like I said before, I wont have work study next year. I am trying not to be stressed but I cant help but be. I was planning on getting a job anyway but that’s not the point. Now it’s mandatory…I cant survive without one. I know I cant think about what other people have or what they do….cuz its not going to change shit but its just so fucked up that I have no help whatsoever. I have helped soooo many people my whole life and what have I gotten for it? Not a damn thing. I have sacrificed for others and I have not gotten anything out of it. Sometimes not even a thank you. Now where are ya’ll when I need ya’ll? ****Silence**** That’s what I thought. I’ve made it by myself thus far, shit ain’t changing now. Next, I had a conversation with Dawn when I came home from work. She told me something that really stuck with me…..she said “Do what makes you happy. Go where you want to go. Don’t live for someone else….live your life for you. ” Writing is my passion….I live, I breathe…..I even eat words. This criminal justice thing….is what it is. Don’t get me wrong, I like criminal justice. I just don’t believe that it is my calling. It’s my hustle. My talent is writing. Writing is what I like to do. I am going to work at this writing thing so I can pimp my words. I know that is my gift and I am going to give it my all….it’s time I master my craft. Dawn is my buddy and an inspiration. She’s that little voice of encouragement that I need. Third, my sides have been hurting all day. Every time I breathe, it hurts. I need a bubble bath, a deep tissue massage, and a cup of hot chocolate (yeah, I know its summer but if I turn on the AC you cant tell). I started writing a poem today about myself. It felt weird writing about myself but the shit just flowed. It starts out “I am the result of loneliness and vulnerability”. I was flowing until I had to start making breakfast at work….grrrrrrrr. Tired of being interrupted…my thoughts left unexpressed. Even though I have all this crap on my mind, I am anxious to go back to school. I need to be in an environment where I can flex my mental muscles. Plus, school is where I can truly be free….its my comfort zone. Enough writing for now, I need to go to bed. Peace and passion….cream out.

brand new........i was gettin ready for bed and felt the urge to write. so here i am. like the new layout??? that pic inspired me. marc baptiste is a beast!!!! let me know whatcha think. next....my 4th was aight.....missed my fam a little. yesterday, me and woo had the whole house to ourselves. we actually needed that. i go home in 2 weeks and im really not looking forward to it. i have noticed that i am at my best when i am alone....no fam, no girl, just me. today, i called the financial aid office to discover that i dont have work study next year. in a way, i am upset cuz im goin to miss it but on the other hand maybe its a sign that i need to move on to bigger and better things. i was planning on gettin a job when i got to school, now i know i am going to have to. next....a wave on nonchalance has come over me. im startin not to give a damn about anything unrelated to me. maybe, it will keep me stress free. next....i finally know how to cornrow. taught myself.....watched people for the longest and just tried it. people have tried to teach me....i cant learn that way. i have to do it myself.....without help. stubborn ass cream.....yeah i know. cream is gettin sleepy....ill holla lata. peace and red kool aid........cream out.

comfort zone.......i went to the ny pride parade on sunday. i had soooooo much fun. even met ja rule....*hmmmm*.....anyway, it was nice to be around peeps like me. me and woo walked hand and hand most of the time. it was cool to kiss in public without people staring at us like we were from pluto. i felt hella comfortable. we went to the pier.....mannn, if you have a denver nuggets throwback.....BURN IT. everybody and their momma had one on....and them damn jersey dresses. everybody looked the same. no individuality whatsoeva. chics were half naked....lookin like hookas. i felt like a queen amongst scallywags. i rocked a beige linen shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and some sandals. i rocked my fro too. i dyed my hair blonde the day before so it was bright as hell. me and woo stood out.....*evil laugh* to make the long story short, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. ny is so damn big....i wouldnt live there but i like it. that city will see me again when i make it. next....i have been feelin like everybody is treatin me like a kid.....like im a damn baby. im really hatin it yo. first of all, everybody in my circle knows that i DO NOT like bein told what to do...you can make suggestions, but dont eva tell me what to do. i am a grown ass womyn dammit. i admit, im stubborn and hard headed....love me or leave me the fuck alone. if you dont like me the way i am.....STEP.....simple solution. anyway, they treat me like i dont know what the fuck im doin alllll the time...truth be told, i have only been on this earth for 22 years but dammit i have been through much more than the average 22 year old. i listen to the advice that my elders give me but yo....when i feel like they are treatin me like a child....my ears are closed. i have 1 mother and 1 father....and neither one tells me what to do....they know and respect the fact that i am grown. so i damn sho aint gon let nobody tell me what to do. let me do me yo. next....july 1st, a day of new beginnings, at least for me. some changes are goin to occur...im not tellin what they are....just know that da kid is evolving. the blonde hair is just the beginning. peace and fried chicken wings........cream out.

child's play.....i have tried not to put too much on here about my relationship cuz yall want to read about me....at least i hope so....not about me and woo. plus, its not fair to her cuz yall will only read my side of things while her side never gets to be heard. now, i am makin an exception, cuz this has been on my mind all day. wanna hear it....here it go.....when i decided to commit to woo, i knew that she had children and if i was to accept and love her, i had to do the same to her children. her kids are cool...i had to get used to listenin for little footsteps at 2 am, takin care of a sick baby, not havin a damn thing to yourself...hearin mommy 50 billion times a day.....all that shit that comes with step-parenthood. i had no idea that her having children would affect our relationship as much as it has. its not a good or bad impact.....its a real impact. first of all, she is a single parent.....so there is no help whatsoeva. to make it more difficult, we are a lesbian couple (duh). out of respect for her children, we cant do the things that heterosexual couples do all the time. affection and attention is EXTREMELY....let me emphasize that.....EXTREMELY limited. sex has to be planned....which is NO fun at all. it sucks like a $2 hooka. there are many limitations......but this is what comes with her. i think the most high put me in this situation to learn patience....cuz right now, i have no patience....to put me in a real damn relationship where you have bills...kids...issues...not just sex, goin out, more sex, and all that sweet shit all the time......and to learn tolerance. at this point in my life, i dont think i could do what she does everyday....its like she plays superwoman. i mean, if i had to i would, but yo....id be a lunatic. i respect her a lot for doin what she does. but yo....it gets overwhelming at times for me....there are nights when i get so frustrated that i cry....there are times when i feel neglected....cuz i need some affection and some attention...not sayin that she has to be under me all the time....i need to be held sometimes. i want to be touched....i want my presence to be acknowledged occasionally. everybody needs to know that they are loved and appreciated, ya undadig, and i am one of those people that have to be reminded a bit more than others. i need to know that i matter.....that what i feel and what i do matters. my whole life i have.....sacrificed....gave people my all.....and it was never appreciated. when i am with you...im with you totally....and i am goin to give you my all, but the minute i feel uncomfortable or i feel like what i am doing or feeling is in vain, not appreciated, being noticed, or its one sided....i withdraw my feelings totally. thats just my way of protecting myself. next....i finally get a day off tomorrow. man, i am soooo tired. my feet hurt....i need a damn pedicure....i need a massage....i need rest. i want to chill in the ac, drink a glass of merlot, and just be easy. hopefully....ill get them tomorrow cuz dammit i need them all. well, thats enough for now....i need to shower. this damn heatwave aint no joke. peace and cool breezes....cream baby out.

CALL DA PLUMBER........same shit, different toilet...day in and day out....all i know for a fact is that im damn tired. this shit is gettin old...smellin...and dammit i am tired of smellin it. tired of lyin with it and to it....denyin its existance....sprayin air freshener....lightin candles....holdin my damn breath.....but dammit, it stinks too much to ignore it anymore. this shit is smellin up my entire house....im tired yo....im tired....you know what....i am goin to alleviate myself of this stench...ima callin the damn plumber.

love and happiness...pros and cons......i got out the shower, put baby oil gel on my body, wrapped a towel around me, and walked into the room. my touch lamp and my tv was on. i looked to my left to see her sitting on my bed with her back against the wall wearing a black wife beater and boxers....watchin tv. i walked over to her and stood in front of her. our eyes met and tears ran down my face. she scooted closer to me, wiped my tears, and held me. i dropped the towel and she rubbed me...everywhere she could get her hands to...her hands expressed physically, what she felt for me emotionally. tears kept falling down my face and she wiped them all away. i got on the bed and she laid beside me. i laid my head on her arm and she stroked my hair, my face...she kissed my eyelids, my nose...shit, everywhere. she even kissed my heart. that night, we made love. WE made love. there were no words spoken...we expressed our emotions physically. she made me feel like i was the most precious, most beautiful womyn in the world...she appreciated my body, my kisses, my love....she held my hands above my head and it was like we were floatin...together. i cried tears of pleasure....then....i woke up. next....today i have learned that love and happiness are not conjoined. just because you love someone or someone loves you, doesnt necessarily mean that you will be happy. you can love someone but be totally miserable. true happiness comes from you and the most high. "somebody once said we never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough."- lady day.....thats it....peace.....cream out.

real shit.....i have been more quiet lately.....instead of talkin, i just look and listen. why is it that people talk about other peeps with the same flaws that they have??? does that make any damn sense? its like the pot callin the kettle black. especially chubby peeps....they always talk about someone bein fat. or people that arent attractive sayin someone else is ugly. ummm..reality check...you aint so skinny or cute yaself. next....i dont really eva talk about sex.....but i have somethings on my mind that i need to get out. sex is a beautiful thing....if and only if the 2 people mutually love, respect, and care for each other. i have had some incidents happen in my life that have effected my views on sex so, the topic is real touchy with me. the act is even touchier. (if thats a word) there was a time in my life when i couldnt have sex without cryin. mainly, because i wasnt doin what i wanted to do (being with a womyn) and like i said before, some things happened that effected it as well. so, when i was 18, i decided to become celibate. celibacy helped because it gave me time to clear my mind and really think about why i felt the way i did about sex. i was celibate for 2 years. that brings me to this....sometimes, people dont understand that your sexual history means something. every person you are intimate with is a part of your life forever because you shared yourself with them so be choosy....i sound like a commercial but im dead serious. next...i watched enter the dragon last night. it was soooooooo live. i cant wait to see more bruce lee movies. aight...all this rain has me tired. ill holla.....cream out.

ohhhhh canada....its been raining all day....and i have slept a lot in the past 2 days. i havent slept this much since i was younger. i think i am catching up on all the sleep i have lost in the past 3 years of college. speaking of college...i am anxious to go back to school. like i said before, i plan to do things differently this year. i really need insurance...didnt really realize how important it was until i got sick. plus...i need to go to the dentist...im tryin to get rid of my wisdom teeth before they hurt. next...im still on ice...aint shit changed. i think its gettin worse. im just really tired....tired of doin shit that doesnt benefit me. i have never been self centered but dammit it seems like i should be cuz no one is goin to do shit for me but me. is it beneficial to do shit for other people...i mean really? its like the more you do and the more you give....the more they want and the more they expect. i feel like i have nike prints on my back. and what have they done for me?? not a damn thing. i need to go to bed before i flip the fuck out....i have entirely too much on my brain and its makin me more irritable than usual. miss irritable aka cream.....out.

on ice....retreatism at its best.......i have been writin all day....every chance i have had....i have had a pen in my hand. i have reached an all time temperature low....da kid is cold as hell. my tolerance level is -1,000,000. i really not in the mood for shit right now. im not goin to bitch about the same shit i have been bitchin about....its obvious that shit aint changin so dammit i am. NEXT....love can be the most beautiful process in the world and it can be the most shitty feelin you eva felt in your life. when love is professed.....its nothin but words. but when love is a verb....and not just a damn word....and it is SHOWN....that is the beautiful part. FUCK WORDS....SHOW ME. i really dont feel like writin on here...just needed to get that out. MAKE LOVE A VERB....cream out.

blonde ambition.....when me, woo, and the kids went to the park....i sat on a bench and meditated. its been so long....2 years to be exact....and it felt so good. i find myself gettin back to me...back to when i did what the hell i wanted to do and was at peace. that is the best feeling in the world. when i meditated, a lot of things that i was thinking about became clearer to me. first of all, i have wasted too much of my life worrying about things that dont matter. i keep planning and trying to prepare for the future and get over my past....and forgetting the present. i cant control what happens or what other people do....i am my only concern. thought i learned that lesson....guess not huh. i feel my heart gettin colder....every ounce of caring and compassion i have is easing out of me. i dont know if its a healthy feelin.....but thats where i am at right now. next...me and woo went to a friend's get together at a bar. yo...we looked like the odd couple. i had on a peasant shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and flip flops with little heels. my fro was out tho. it has gotten soooo big. i was surprised when i picked it out. woo had on a a tan dress shirt with some echo jeans and tims. she had her locs wrapped. one reason why i like connecticut is the people dont look at me like i am a damn alien. at home, they would have stopped and stared. people look at me all the time...but here, they dont stare at me. we enjoyed ourselves....woo drank a cup of beer for $5 and wanted to puke afterwards. i drank a tropical martini....i was a good girl. i try not to drink around people i dont know very well. i tend to get bolder when i drink...if ya think im blunt now...just imagine me drinkin. if i am harsh now....just imagine what i dont say until i drink. i might slap a bitch when i am drunk. anyway, after that, we rode around and talked for a while and then we went to barnes and noble. i saw soooo many books that i want. my bookshelf is goin to be full when i move. i need to eat and take care of woo....she fell down the basement steps. i gotta pamper her tonight...i need a glass of merlot....quand serai-t-je choye?.....il jamais arrivera? peace.......cream out.

tgif....today has been ok so far. got my first check....well it was cash...but yall get it. i have money yo...plus my check from school will be here tomorrow. yo, i am goin to have money. i am so friggin happy. i am not goin to let anything piss me off today...i dont care how many tudes get popped my way....ima let them roll off my back like water off of a ducks ass. *** todays outlook: ***fuck yo cuss menetin smelly ass tude cuz cream is in a peachy ass mood, fuck da dumb shit cuz cream doesnt have time for it, fuck ya issues cuz cream could care less, fuck ya drama cuz cream only cares about the bold and the beautiful not yo shit, and fuck you again cuz i got money dammit. next...everybody keeps tellin me they miss me....i miss yall asses too. yall just dont know. i miss the laughter only a friend can induce....not sayin that i dont laugh now....its just me and my friends are silly as hell. so i dont feel uncomfortable bein silly with them...and believe me, i act a damn fool. their sense of humor is like mine....i have a weird sense of humor and so do they. like i said...i miss yall asses too. next...tonight i am gettin a bottle of merlot. it has been so long since i had one and dammit....i deserve a glass after all the shit i have been through since the last time i drank some. that is the only thing i can afford to splurge on cuz i have so many things that i need. i forgot a lot of stuff at home and i need some new stuff. mainly clothes...yo, i havent had new clothes in almost a year. aint that some shit?? i stay broke....thats about to change tho, cuz da kid is gettin a job while i am in school come hell or high water. i refuse to live how i have been livin for the past 4 years...struggling, barely makin it. fukka that. next....i hope i do something today....go somewhere, do some fun shit. tomorrow me and woo are workin in the restaurant i work at durin the week...but we get to keep all the profit. so hopefully, we will have some money in our pockets tomorrow. shit...i know i will. thats 3 sources of money in 2 days....all blessings from the most high. my only day off is goin to be on sunday. oh well....im makin money. this post is hella long so......cream got da money.....dolla dolla bills yall....out.

surprise, surprise.....yo...last night was.....last night was tight. i got a foot massage until i dozed off then it started lightning. i am so fuckin shook of lightning. anywhoo, woo laid on my tummy and held me and.....things started happening. we went out to our spot and we could hear the rain so clear, like we were outside yo. it was thundering and lightning and the rain was fallin and she was holdin me....damn damn damn. it was so beautiful....for the time it lasted. we always get interrupted somehow....always. neva fails. we were talkin about gettin a room this weekend....that would be so wonderful....no kids, no phone, no interruptions....just me and her. today she took me to this park and it was beautiful. she has been so attentive the past 2 days.....she still has that smart ass mouth and she still is an asshole....but i see her tryin to do better. anyway, i could see me building my life here....which, right now, is what i am plannin on doin after i graduate. i have been workin at this restaurant for 2 weeks now....i am so proud of myself yo. cookin bacon, eggs, sausage, and grits every morning and servin assholes. its not my job at school....but i like it because it proves that i can do shit on my own....i can take care of myself. my determination to make it is soooo strong yo. i will not lose....i refuse. aight...gotta go tend to woo...peace....madame cream out.

dive deep....sittin here...listenin to billie and the rain outside...in my solitude...thinkin...decided to write. today was cool.....i was tired as hell at work cuz i was up all night twistin woo's new growth. she had about an inch of new growth...damn shame. yo, right now...i am sittin here salty as hell....my bitterness towards my father is comin back.....i havent heard from him in 2 months....i hung up on him the last time he called. things got loud....i felt myself about to cry....so i hung up. that doesnt stop me from bein bothered by the situation. i think about it and i get teary eyed....insha'allah....my children will not feel this way ever. next....i want to light some incense, put on some coltrane, lay in the dark.....and have a deep conversation....i want to release all these feelins i have been havin. i want to be listened to....comforted....hugged....loved. i want to feel comfortable....talkin, sharin my feelins....cryin...laughin. i want to hear "baby, its gon be aight." and feel that shit in my soul when the words are spoken. i want to be appreciated for the nurturing, attentive womyn i am....i have realized that what i want and what i have dont always meet. peace......cream out.