my womyn was here last week. one morning, i got up before she did. i sat up and admired her. she looks like a kid when she sleeps.....like a little indian girl.....copper toned with dark, curly hair, and the longest black eyelashes....she looks like bambi when she blinks. her smile will light up any room...the type of smile that will make your day better even when it has been shitty. lmao....when she sleeps, she snores and i can still see the dimple in her right cheek. when i call her name...even when she is sleep...she smiles. i appreciate her, even tho she gets on my damn nerves sometimes. i know she loves me....there is no doubt in my mind. all the shit she puts up with....my moods and my chronic asshole-ism...it has to be love. the little things she does shows me that our relationship, our love for each other...is so much more than the shit im used to. in the past, i have had some simple ass relationships....never 50/50.....always 75/25, if that. im the type of womyn that if i love you...if i care about you, i show it. i live and love in verbs. fuck words. ill cook sunday dinners for you everyday, wash your clothes...even wash ya ass if you are hurt or tired as hell, rub your feet.....anything to show how much i love you and appreciate your presence in my life. needless to say, i showed some smelly bitches some beautiful shit but ive only been shown bullshit. i decided that i was gonna fall back a little bit in my next relationship to see what would happen. i havent been disappointed. i had to work this week so she had to stay here with my fam while i was at work. she washed my clothes, cleaned my room, fixed me lunch and dinner.....*sigh* she was my lil housewife for a couple of days. i can be a real meany pants sometimes. anyway, we have been through so much in the past 2 weeks....this trip was needed. when she left, i got teary eyed as always but im getting used to seeing her go. most high willing, ill see her next month.

i had this weekend off and i got not a gatdamn thing accomplished. well, yes i did. i washed my linen and got my sleep caught up. being with my womyn for 4 days made me lose sleep....hehe. that was my first weekend off in 3 weeks. damn shame. i finally get paid on wednesday but i know my check is gonna be gone. bills bills bills. mayn, i really dont want to go to work but i dont want to be here either. i want to be some where i can feel a warm breeze and sip a glass of shiraz. im planning a vacation sometime in march. im going to start saving now......even if we dont go anywhere but west va or charlotte....as long as me and my womyn are together, alone, i dont care. hell, we could go down the fuggin street to a hotel, just to be alone with her and not have to work would be cool with me. *sigh* finna go to work. peace and livin in verbs.....cream out

silent night......not quite. im laying on my floor, in the dark, with bilal blastin through my headphones. that negro needs to make a new album ASAP. my christmas was cool even tho i had to work AND i have a damn cold. i dont know who i got it from but if i could hunt down that evil, germ infested, person and make them drink all this nasty nyquil that i have been downing for the past 3 days and then blow all my snot on them, i would. yeah yeah, that was nasty as hell but for real, this cold thing is no joke. i hate being sick. i dont like taking medicine and i damn sure dont like blowing my nose, coughing or both every 5 minutes. hopefully, this mess will go away swiftly. what did i get for christmas? *insert evil laugh here* i got a new computer, 2 night gowns, a $50 gift certificate, and 2 candles. i think thats it. my room is such a mess that i dont know whats what. it would be so nice to take a candlelit bubble bath and sip merlot while listening to some jazz. unfortunately, that cant happen. at least, not right now. id probably fall asleep in the tub...which would probably be a good thing since i got woke up at the butt crack of dawn by my niece's screams because santa claus brought her annabelle. this annabelle doll blinks, makes noises, and all kinds of other crap. they didnt have dolls like that when i was younger...times change yo. she got mad stuff for christmas...enough toys and clothes for 3 children. she deserves it tho. dora wasnt here which sucked monkey's nuts. i miss her all the time but especially today. it felt so fucked up not to exchange gifts with her today. i couldnt see the excitement on her face when she finally saw what i got her for christmas. it would have been nice to lay up in the ned with her and just chill. i need her kisses right about now cuz in all honestly, im lonely. i have a new job...the job wanted....im living aight....im surrounded by my fam and a few friends....but im still lonely. im still anti-social even tho i have made it a point to be somewhat social at least once this month. ive yet to meet someone new that i click with on a friendship level since ive been home. hell, what did i expect? there wasnt anybody i associated with before i left so what makes things different now? *sigh* i definitely need to get my license so i can go some where that has poetry cafes, jazz concerts, museums.....anything but here. i wanna be far away from here...far away from....loneliness. my eyes are heavy....i better catch sleep while i can. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

hmmmm......if nothing is holding me back from living my dreams but me......why am i standing still? i am submerged in love for her.....but im still afraid of letting my guard down. its fucked up how things that happened or that were said 10-15 years ago, still cross my mind. choose your words carefully....once they are spoken, they cant be taken back. you never know how your words will effect someone. the words of those closest to you hurt the worst. sometimes, i wish that i never went to school.....maybe i wouldnt expect so much. ignorance is bliss huh? i refuse to get up at 4 am to shop for christmas stuff with a bunch of crazy people when i have to go to work at 8 am. fuck those sales....dammit ima be sleep. i want to go to sleep but there is a lot on my mind. its funny how i thought writing would clear my mind......guess not.

fast lane.......its a sunny saturday afternoon and for once, i have the day off from work. PLUS, i officially have high speed. new layout in the works ladies and gents. it feels so good to be able to click on something and it comes right up instead of that old crappy, slow as honey down a big booty, dial up. i had to pay a deposit, had to argue for a couple of months but gatdammit, i finally have what i want and its alllll mine. its been a while since i updated...basically because i work 10 hour days and by the time i get home, talk to dora, eat dinner, and wash my ass.....its time to go nite nite. now that i have high speed, i think ill update more. fast internet=temporary happiness. next step, a new damn computer. this thing out dated....im ready to move on to something bigger and better. everything in its time tho. hmmm...lets see....i still strongly dislike my job but im still there. bills dont care if im happy or not. they still have to be paid. ive been applying other places tho. again i say, everything in its time. ive written a lot in my notebook recently...i might post some of the stuff ive written when i finish the new layout. i have to keep writing regardless of whats going on in my life. im still going through writer's block with my poetry tho. nothing seems to come to me when i have a pen in my hand but the minute im on my way home from work or if im in the shower, the words start dancing in my head. anybody that knows me knows that my memory and my attention span are short as hell. anyway....new layout comin soon. in a minute....peace and high speed.....cream out.

a dream deferred........its 5 am and i cant sleep. usually, i would be in my bed, snoring, drooling, and dreaming about airplanes crashing or me accepting an award in front of thousands of people....but this morning, i am wide awake. when something happens, im one of those people who doesnt “feel” it until a couple of weeks later. i try to push things in the back of my mind because i dont want to be depressed.....hell, who does? i try not to think about anything bad because i know it will consume my mind and stress me the fuck out. that being said, something happened about 2 weeks ago that i havent talked about nor wanted to talk about....one of those things that i pushed in the back of my mind hoping it would just go away. a couple of weeks ago, i took a polygraph for the police department. i was told the reason why i had to take it in the first place was because there were “questionable” people in my immediate family that threw up red flags. i wasnt “questionable” but my fam was. my record is clean....so is my piss. hell, you can do a spinal tap and take some of my hair....i dont partake in any drugs except the occasional glass of wine when i can afford a bottle. to make the long story short, i failed a couple of questions on the test.....the questions that i had actually told the truth on. i was truthful will every question....no i dont take any drugs, including pills that arent prescribed to me, no i havent stolen anything over $25, no i havent done anything illegal except for download music, no, no , no. the test was tryin to detect lies in me but instead lied. the only reason why i had to take the damn test was because of “questionable” people in my fam. i cant help that im the only legal one in my fam. its like im guilty by relation. when i graduated, i thought i would come back here, get a job with the police department or become a police officer eventually and now, that thought has been river danced on, a-town stomped, spit on, and left to die. this basically means that i cant become a police officer because u have to pass a polygraph and well....i cant. i feel like i went through college for absolutely nothing. i have a degree thats sittin in an envelope, inside another envelope, that i cant even use. i worked my ass off for something that is basically useless to me. im over $50,000 in debt for what.....a fucked up job at a bank that i could have gotten even if i didnt have my degree. all because, i have “questionable” people in my fam. i cant control what they do....i thought controlling what i did was most important. i guess not. so my question now is, now what? where in the hell do i go from here? i know i have to keep moving forward, keep believing that there is something out there for me....something much bigger than this. this cant be my life. maybe im not meant for the whole legal atmosphere....but gat dammit thats what i went to school for, studied my ass off, made sure that i didnt get into any trouble for, and now ladies and gents.....what the fuck do i do with it? if that damn piece of paper didnt cost me over $50,000, i would rip it up and piss on it cuz its useless to me at this point. in 3 hours, i have to go to a job that i hate to earn just enough money to pay my rent and my bankruptcy lawyer. *sigh* like i said, this cant be my life. i know that im destined for something much bigger than this shit. hmm....and people wonder why im so damn angry. in a minute....peace and a focused mind......cream out.

unplugged......this alicia keys unplugged cd combined with jill scott's book of poetry has inspired me to write despite the fact that im tired from working all day. dora sent me a package today.....to my surprise. i bet she was about to burst because she didnt tell me until today. we're not good at secrets. we both hate surprises. anyway, she sent me a bag of blow pops (my favorite), the jill scott book, and the alicia keys unplugged bootleg. before yall get ya draws in a bunch about the bootleg....i bought the cd but i wanted to rip it and put it on my ipod and guess wha....it wont allow me to. well, it will but it sounds like it skips so im guessing thats the cd protection thingy. i hate that shit...if i buy the damn cd, i should be able to put it on my ipod or burn a copy to play in the car. *sigh* last night, i showed her what i got her for christmas so far on webcam. im tempted to mail her the coat that i bought her because its getting cold and i know she needs it. hopefully, she will get up here soon and i can spend some time with her. its been over a month since we've seen each other and i would be lying if i said i dont miss her. i sleep easier when she is here. like i said before, im more at peace when she is here.....my life doesnt suck so much when she is here. dating status changes....so called friends changes. sad but true. i thought that a certain person was my friend come to find out....what i thought was friendship was bullshit. that seems to be the story of my social life. im not going to let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch but i will say this.....once you have lost my friendship, once you are deemed uncool, there is no coming back. it seems like when i told people that were my so called friends about my relationship, that was the end of our alleged friendship. sad situation. oh well. the job search continues. im neva comfortable. the business is still in the works....i cant wait to get started. aight....thats enough for now. im about to light my sandalwood candle and listen to ms. keys. in minute.....peace and heartburn (the good kind).....cream out.

untitled #81820291this migraine thing is back. i definitely need to get this ish checked. it feels like a million lil oompa loompas are trapped inside my head and they all gathered at my forehead, right above my eyes.....and they are doing the a-town stomp, trying to escape. i need health insurance, ASAP. next...i refuse to write about my job. i think i have expressed how much i hate it over and over again so like i said, im not going to mention it. i will say....i feel like the real me is trapped inside this 9-6 working, business suit wearin, prim and proper imposter...posing as me enjoying my life. when im able to rid myself of her and strip down to my soul and finally breathe, ill be good. never said ill be happy because happiness and contentment are joined like siamese twins and ill never be content....at least not as long as im still conscious. my life isnt so bad, hell it could be worse. im just a lil pissy cuz im not living out my dreams. i wonder how many people do live what they dream. moving on, hollywood pink is that crack. i finally found an avon lady. that chic doesnt know that she is going to make a lot of money offa me.....i love hollywood pink. it smells so damn girly and sweet like chocolate kisses and rose petals against freshly showered skin. *sigh* i cant wait for dora to come back so she can smell me...cuz my perfume smells like her. everytime i spray it, i think about her. wonder if she know how much i miss her....i doubt it because i tend to be a mean ass. im distant at times and i try to keep focused on other things but when other things in my life arent going right, i dont want to focus on them so i turn my attention to missin her. when she is here, i tend to laugh a lot more. my stress level is almost nonexistant...almost because i always think about the fact that she has to go home. everything feels different when she is here. i dont think ill ever overstand this love thing. all i know is, its a nice experience and im glad im sharing it with her. aight ladies and gents....this migraine is officially kickin my ass. im off to bed. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

love angel.......sometimes, i wish that i wasnt so damn focused. there are certain things that i cant do because i know if i do them, it will ruin my career. i wont be able to get the jobs that i want. so, i remain focused but at the same time, i get bored. i dont smoke, i rarely drink, i dont go clubbin very often.....you can say im a pretty settled person. sometimes i think im too young for that. life is so damn short but at the same time, i dont want to shorten it any more by making stupid decisions. *sigh* i absolutely despise my job. talking to arrogant people that have no common sense for 8 hours, 5 days a week, gets on my last good nerve. im not a finance person....dont get me wrong, i like having money and i like spending money. i dont like dealing with other people's money. i have no interest in banking. i know there is something bigger than this meant for me. there has to be something bigger. i know that i have a bigger purpose than this. me and woo are still building our natural hair and body care business. the preparation stage is long as hell. we have to decide how much we are going to invest, the suppliers to use, what products to offer, etc...etc....etc. i cant wait to get it poppin. with her business sense and my skill....we will be successful. i remember thinking that it wouldnt be a good idea for us to be in business together for the simple fact that we are exes. the ex shit is a part of the past. its not like our break up was bad. we mutually came to the agreement that our relationship wasnt healthy. our friendship never stopped. anyway, thats my business partner that just happens to be my ex. if you are interested in ordering something, e-mail me. next....dora was supposed to come here on the 9th of next month but....she cant. im a little disappointed but hell....thats what comes with a long distance relationship. sometimes she calls me....frustrated as hell and i know that if i was there or she was here, things would be better. im not used to having a relationship with someone that is always around me. my last one was with that cunt. its going to take some time to get adjusted to having her around. im used to being by myself...used to having my own space. she is going to have to get used to my moods...my fickleness....all the makings of me. hope she can handle it. aight...i need to go eat dinner and take my ass to bed...i have to go off the workplace hell tomorrow. in a minute....peace and jazz....cream out.

slingblade......ive been feelin hella anti-social for the past week. i havent felt like being around anybody. i havent felt like talking. i just want to be.....at peace, enjoying my own company. my fam has been gettin on my nerves too. i have closed myself in my room after i get home from work for the past 2 weeks. me and my sister arent gettin along right now.....mainly because she acts differently around her friend. i know it has a lot to do with the fact that im 24 and she and her friend are under 20. not saying that everyone under 20 is immature....but her and her friend are the perfect examples of immaturity. walking around the mall lookin at shit when you dont have any money isnt cute to me. riding around looking for dudes to give my number to isnt cute either. they actually stress when their phones arent ringing. smh. they giggle and geek like 10 year olds. it irritates the hell outta me. my mom has been walking around the house with an attitude. i dont know if she is pms'n or what but i wish she would get over it....whateva it may be. my brother and his girlfriend do the usual things to get on my nerves. its weird tho....they havent got on my nerves as much as they usually do. maybe its because the irritation has been induced by other people besides them. dora was here about a week ago. its like a breath of fresh air in a stank room when she comes here. she nurtures me....which im not used to. ive never had someone that opens doors for me, rubs my feet, washes my hair, cleans my room while im at work.....*sigh* someone that gives just as much as she receives. that means so much to me. like i said, its different than what im used to. today we got in our first real argument. we have had some heated discussions but never to the point where i wanted to scream at her.....and im not one to argue. we are ok now but it opened my eyes to the fact that i have trust issues. well, i knew that all along but i thought i was better than what i was. when i said i would commit to her, i didnt say that i was perfect or that i had everything together. i admit that i have some issues....nothing major tho. she knows about some things....some things she doesnt. ill let her know in due time. maybe i should get around to telling her some things so she will understand why i react the way i do to certain situations. next....my job still sucks herpes infected monkey's balls. im prayin that i get the job with the police station. i want to tell this bank to kiss my entire yella ass. nobody knows whats going on....a bunch of people runnin around thinking they know every damn thing but really dont know shit. plus, their policies are stupid as hell....i feel like im in elementary school. aight i feel like im rambling....ill holla. in a minute....peace and mustard biscuits.....cream out.

drive slow homie.....i got off from work early because i only took 5 phone calls from 9-3. we shouldnt have had to work on labor day any gatdamn way. i hate that job but its a paycheck every week. i cant wait until i start doing what i really want to do. oh well...im home now. things have been ok. im trying to stay as stress and drama free as i can. it seems like its hard as hell to stay that way living here. if it aint one thing, its another but its never MY drama. its always someone elses. im just waiting on the day when we (my fam and i) will live peacefully with no bullshit and issues. i know every fam has issues but we dont have internal issues....our issues come from people outside of the fam. like i said, i cant wait for the day that i can be away from it. i refuse to allow this place or these people to drive me insane. me and dora are fine. we have had a couple of little heated discussions, which is normal. im moody as hell (especially since i stopped taking those pills to regulate my period, my attitude can be downright shitty at times, and im easily irritated. that takes a while to get used to. im getting used to having a girlfriend. im not used to having someone that im obligated to talking to everyday. im not used to actually givin a fuck about someone else's feelings to the point where i watch what i say and the tone i take. ive never been with someone so.....innocent. half of the things i have experienced in my lifetime, she hasnt. she hasnt developed the thick skin and coldness that i have in my heart. she is damn near pure. true, she has experienced some pain but no where close to the amount that i have. she has the biggest heart.....didnt think people like her existed anymore. makes me wonder sometimes, why someone so innocent would love someone that is tainted as me so much. not like im dirty or anything but ive had my share of bullshit. been through a couple of bad breakups, a physically abusive relationship, a couple of bad sexual experiences, and a partridge in a pear tree. i know that she loves me....flaws, my past, and all. i just hope i can love her with the innocence and purity that she loves me with. next....new orleans. if i didnt have a job, id probably be there. it hurts me to my soul to see so many people without help. the richest nation in the world has their people living like people in third world countries. that shit is sad. its sad that we sent soooo much money to the tsunami victims and to people in iraq but we cant help our own people. im not gonna go into any political beefs or issues either (race, class, etc. as a reason why those victims havent gotten help). please support your local red cross or many of the other organizations that are collecting money for the victims. thats enough for now.....im hungry. in a minute....peace and love......cream out.

on the count of 3......my day was cool. for some reason my job didnt get on my nerves as much. ive been laid back all damn day. my moma bought me 2 pairs of heels this morning. im starting to have an extreme shoe fetish. actually, im starting to dress more like a girl. i even bought a purse!!! that is soooo weird for me but i needed one. outwardly, im more feminine but inside, im a little more aggressive. actually, a lot more aggressive. its cool tho....im with someone that accepts all of me.....the tomboy days and the prissy days....my moods, my flaws. everything. next....i just read something that not only made me skin my teeth....but laugh a lil bit. as all of my friends know, my friendship is golden. im not one of those fairweather, we are only cool when i want or need something from you type friends. my cypher has decreased a lot since i decided to cut my grass. i saw a couple of rats and snakes.....the queen can not live in those conditions. anyway, i will not entertain rantings about assumed information. so....if ya like me, you do. if not, thats ok too. if you want to be in my space, fine. if you dont, fine. either way, i will not lose sleep, i will not shed tears, i wont feel some kinda way about it......either you ride with me or get run over. *honkin my horn and chuckin the deuce* next....i need a vacation. lmao....i just started working and im talking about i need a vacation. i want to go some where ive never been....do some things ive dreamed of doing. everything in its time tho. aight...gotta go get some sleep. i got work tomorrow. in a minute...chuckin the deuce....cream out.

gooooooo......long time no write. been busy....workin and all. im still looking for a new job. this bank shit is not for me. its not like its a bad job....hell, i sit and talk to people on the phone all day. its just not something im interested in and it doesnt pay me what im worth. *sigh* the police dept. is in the process of doing a background check (i made it past the interview stage) and since i know my background is clean, im sure they will call me in for a drug test which will be clean too. (im a good girl yall) ill probably be working the midnight shift or an evening shift. if they are paying me good with good benefits, i dont give a fuck. i need insurance and some money to stack. i want to have money put away so if i want to go on a cruise in the winter, i can do it. or if something were to happen, i would be ok. i want to have my finances like my grandfather had his. next......my girl came here a couple of weeks ago and my mother showed her how to get to my job. she came on my lunch break. when i first laid eyes on her, i was nervous as fuck....im not gonna front. as much shit as i talk, im shy as hell in person. hell, shy is puttin it mildly. we ate lunch together and when i got off, we went to eat sushi. ohhh gosh....the japanese shit is not for everybody, lmao. i enjoyed my sushi while her and frisky were talking about the miso soup and salad. that damn soup smelled HORRIBLE. i wouldnt feed that shit to my dog. he’d probably sniff it and bite my ass for puttin some nasty shit like that in front of him and expecting him to eat it. the damn salad was nothing but lettuce and some kinda ginger salad dressing. i thought a salad consisted of more than just some damn lettuce. can a chic get some tomatoes and ranch or something?? HELL NO. the waitress told us that there were no other salad dressings and all they had was unsweetened tea, which pissed frisky off because she loves her tea. that chile doesnt do fountain drinks but she did yesterday. dora ordered chicken and shrimp teriyaki and frisky ordered chicken teriyaki. lmao....it was good from what i tasted from hers but uhhh.....that salad and that soup was not hot fire. then, me and dora (her nickname is dora because she looks like a damn mexican and ummm....she is an explorer, heheheh) went to the club. i had on a pair of black cargo pants, a black corset, a black shirt on top of my corset that i left open, and some black heels. i picked my fro out and it was huge. i looked like a blaxploitation character. dora was lookin sessi in her khaki cargo pants, bob marley shirt, and a pair of tims. *sigh* anyway, we walked in the club and it was deep as hell. to be so fuggin lame, the club was deep. we walked around and i saw this chic point at me so i looked like "who in the hell is this chic pointin at?" why in the sam ham from the boonies was it that cunt (ty) and her girl?" she said "your hair is huge!!" i introduced her to dora and that cunt looked like she wanted to shank my girl. the cunt and her girl followed us around the fuggin club all night. smh. when we got up and dance, they did. when we kissed, they kissed. ummmm...was supposed to feel some kinda way about that??? *LMAO* i had a lot of fun when she was here. my fam digs her a lot. my sister likes her too. i cooked while she was here too. i made a pork roast, mac and cheese (not that box shit either), string beans, and my sister made bbq chicken. mayn, she looked so damn happy when i sat her plate in front of her. she is supposed to be coming back here next month. next....a lot of people that were close to me arent speaking to me now. it bothers me because they were a part of my space. i allowed them in and they stopped talking to me because i chose to be with dora. me and india have been tight for sooooo damn long. she was there for me when i needed someone to listen to me and i was there for her as well. now, she wont talk to me. i thought our friendship was stronger than that. next.....i made the new layout last night. i had to....the other one was gettin old. im working on dora's layout now. the creative bug has bit me in the ass. im off to enjoy the rest of my day off. in a minute.....maybe 2....peace and LOYALTY.....cream out.

cot damn....its a new day.....met her in february....conversed day and night....talked about her dreams, my stress, our future wasnt even talked about because at the time, i was gettin over a fucked up relationship with a cunt that shall remain nameless because in all honesty, im glad that i fucked with that cunt. if i hadnt fucked with that cunt, got fucked over, i would have never met....her. all the bullshit and bruises that cunt left on my heart kept me from opening my mouth and telling her how i felt. that shti remained a secret until a couple of months ago. anyway, she got a girl and by girl, i do mean girl, as in a fuckin childish ass chic. i admit, i was a tad bit heated when she told me but hell, a closed mouth dont get fed so that was that. i avoided her calls, wouldnt talk to her on messenger either. i took that shit as a loss and moved the fuck on. its not like i would have been ready to get on that level with her anyway. i was on some fuck love, fuck relationships, and no fuckin for me type shit. time went on, she and her girl broke up. we became friends again....well, we never stopped being friends its just that....im stubborn as fuck so i was reluctant to talk to her. she listened to me when nobod else would....mentally held me when i cried....consoled my heart to the point....this point....im not afraid to be loved or to open myself up a little bit....fuck that....im not afraid to be open with her. true indeed, im never an open book but im not afraid to allow her to read a couple of pages every now and then. it took me 3 months to admit the fact that what i was running from and what i was looking for, were the same fuckin thing. now, did that make any damn sense? i didnt think so either. what i wanted was right there the whole fuckin time but i had my eyes closed.....i wasnt blind, i just had my eyes closed. when i finally decided to open them, i realized all of the above. so now that my eyes are open and im no longer afraid.....im done bullshittin. im done running. im tired of having my hands full of past bullshit. im done with the late night conversations full of broken promises and unfulfilled desires (at least on my end). im tired of women proclaiming their love for me and how im so different and so fuckin perfect for them, only to hear some bullshit in the next sentence. im sooo fuckin done. she found me and stood by me even when i told her i wasnt ready....even when she knew that i was talking to someone else. she waited because she thinks im worth it. a 5 hour drive and 3 months of chasing my own damn tail has led me to this.....im officially spoken for. in a minute.....peace and love....cream out.

5 minute update.....just a quick update. im at work, as normal. my weekend was cool..busy as hell, but cool. i went to dc to see my grandma and do some yard work for her. it felt good to see her. my aunt has a computer that i want sooooo bad. a new computer will be my next big purchase. sunday, i cleaned my room since i got a new bookshelf. i had no idea that i had so many books. all of my books couldnt fit on the damn shelf. my room looks so damn pretty now. i just have to paint and get a desk for my computer and it will be perfect. next....today marks the 1 year anniversary of my celibacy. a year is enough yo. lmao. ive been a good girl for too damn long. i wanna be bad. i was thinking....ive never done anything really bad. i mean, some people would say that me being a lesbian is horrible but who gives a hairy rat's nuts what they think. ima good girl dammit. anyway, i want to have fun now. ive been cautious, ive been careful, and what has it gotten me?? BOREDOM. im soooo ready to start living. while im at work being bored, im going to write a list of things that i want to do in the next 2 years. ill post the list in a few. damn...lunch hour is over. in a minute....peace and life....cream out.

random thoughts @ work #2343728......
1. jess is my buddy...work sucks when she isnt here. 2. as long as jess doesnt fart, we will remain cool.
3. if this chic farts....ima shank her.
4. this is so damn boring *sigh*
5. its not 5:00 yet? dammit.
6. hooters for lunch sounds yummy.
7. that could be taken 2 ways....hehehehe.
8. equal amounts of hooters and booty make me smile.
9. although they are nothing with out intelligence.
10. praise moses its friday.
11. if another person says i look like jill scott ima scream.
12. jess is an idiot...ima mess around and get in trouble.
13. i cant wait to get a new cell phone.
14. less than 25% of my friends will have my cell phone number.
15. again, jess is an idiot.
16. i need to write...might do that in a minute.
17. i wonder if she knows that i have a crush on her.
18. probably not because i dont think she reads this.
19. ill tell her one day.
20. i get paid to do sit around and talk to jess.

damn....back to work. in a minute.....peace and hooters....cream out.

spaceship part deux.......im at work eatin cheetos puffs, sippin grape juice, and being bored outta my mind. i cant wait until payday. thursday seems so damn far away. im buying a bookshelf that ive had my eye on since i was around 18. its nothing special, 5 shelves, oak, blah blah blah. i need it for my 732378923 books that i have. the next thing im buying for my room is a desk. not having a desk sucks cows cooch. i need a cell phone too. *cheesin* my bitches have to be able to reach me at all times.....i kid, i kid. fa real tho, i want to be able to be online and talk on the damn phone. dial up is slow as an obese chic on a tread mill. i need to find a way to get highspeed ASAP. next....my migraine problem is back. i have no idea why but dammit, its here. have a migraine almost everyday and im not one to pop pills so i deal with the pain until i cant open my eyes. usually, i fall asleep. yesterday, i didnt. i sat in my bed with my eyes closed for about 2 hours. after i said fuck it and got up, i drank a glass of cold water and it left. anyway, im going to see a doctor as soon as i get some health insurance. next....my ex called me a couple of days ago with bass in her voice because she read my blog and she thought i was writing about her in one particular part. smh. i wasnt talkin about her, i was actually talkin about someone that is slowly gettin kicked outta my space. true, i was talking about her in the beginning but the statement that she was referring to wasnt about her. trust, if i had something to say about her, id write it and i would say it to her face. no one pumps fear over here....trust. you owe me an apology wit yo sensitive ass. next....on to my social life...formerly known as my love life. im still not ready to be in a committed relationship. i still have some roaming to do. not sayin i want to fuck anybody.....the offers keep coming but i decline them all. not sayin that sex doesnt frequent my mind like im a 15 year old boy. i have a lot of things that i want to do before i commit to someone. i have a couple of distant crushes...i admire them from a distance and ill probably never admit to the fact that i have a crush on them. oh yeah, and im not naming names heffas. i have a couple of chics that have crushes on me *blushin* one is a little closer to me than everyone else. everyone else is on the curb, in front of my house. she is in the yard. get the picture? i know she would do anything in the world that she could for me. that means a whole lot, especially since ive never had someone that truly has my back before. i dont let people get too close to me. gettin close to me might happen one day.....everything in its time homegirl. im just chillin for now. anyway, back to work i go. in a minute....probably 30....peace and sugar cookies....cream out.

working girl........yes, the queen is employed. not at that damn 911 dispatch center either. im still waiting for the deputy clerk's office to call me back to say yay or nay. at the present moment im employed at a bank call center. it feels good to get up in the morning, take a shower, and get all dolled up like the grown womyn i am. i thought that i would hate the business casual dress code but its not that bad. ive started taking better care of myself since ive been working. maybe it is because i finally have a reason to make sure i look good. people outside of my family see me now. i cant wait for my first paycheck....im definitely going shopping. lane bryant and a couple of shoe stores are callin me. i just discovered that i have a shoe fetish. smh...my feet are big so its hard to find shoes that actually look right and fit right. i bought a pair of 3 inch, black, pointy toed, slide in heels for $7. having big feet pays off sometimes. next....the new layout is a work in progress. now that i work, i dont have the time. by the time i get home, do laundry, cook, go to the grocery store or wally world, and call a couple of my friends...i dont wanna get outta my bed for anything. the new layout soon come. next....i recently found out that a friend of mine found my blog. how she found it, she wont say but all i know is, she read it from beginning to end. she claims that she has a better understanding of why i am the way that i am. i guess thats a good thing. i finally have a love life....which feels kinda weird because i continue not to let anyone into my space. im ready for love but im not ready for an official relationship, if that makes sense. hell, it makes sense to me. ill be ready one day, just not right now. who knows, 2 months from now, i might be in a relationship. right now, im not moved enough to be in a relationship. there have been offers....*blushin* but like i said, im not ready. if they think im the one like neo, they will wait for me. if not, it wasnt meant to be. next...my brother's girlfriend got a new car yesterday. she has an 04 kia spectra. im happy for her because she got a new car but uhhh....a kia??? she is kinda disappointed because its not what she really wants. well, if its not what you want, why did you get it? im not going to pay for something that i dont want or like. thats why im saving up for the car i want. by this time next year, ill have it. i cant wait to purchase my chrysler 300 M. well, i have to get my license first....lol. everything in its time ladies and gentlemen, everything in its time. i need to get back to work.....im doing big things. in a minute....peace and love...cream out.

independence my ass.....its been a while, i know. i havent had the urge to write online. a whole lot of nothing has been going on with me so i didnt want to bore peeps with my ramblings. well, things have been going on....but ill get to that in a few. damn, where to begin? ok...my 4th. we cooked so much damn food....nah nah nah, lemme rephrase that....i cooked so much damn food. i barely ate because being around all that food ruined my appetite. i did partake in some pineapples soaked in gin and 99 bananas. i played bartender while everyone was laughin, jokin, and drinkin. overall, the cookout was good. being the anti-social being that i am, i wasnt feelin all those people. my brother’s girlfriend didnt really irritate me for once. the little kids running around screamin and fightin over toys that didnt belong to them in the first place didnt irritate me either. i was just chill. i had to be my brother’s nurse when he got so damn drunk that he got sick. i told his ass that he couldnt take all that liquor but he didnt listen. i cleaned up his puke (yeah, i know ima good sister), washed his clothes that he got puke on, and put his ass to bed. his girlfriend kept askin him was ok but no time did that smut pick up a towel or a rag to clean up some puke. *sigh* next....i talked to one of my exes a couple of days ago. i just asked how was your 4th....just being nice since i called most of my peeps to see what they were up to. she acted shady as fuck on the phone. it was like, since she had company, this broad was actin like i was just some random chic. i promptly slapped her ass with the dial tone. it will be a while before i call her again. dont act brand new because you have your “friend” over. im tellin yall, i cant stand people who act brand new because they have something new in their lives, whether it be a special someone or something materialistic. get some self esteem and stop depending on someone or something to make you “shine”...fuck you very much. next.....my living situation is gettin worse. me and my brother got into an argument this morning. we havent argued since we were little. ive just had enough. i couldnt hold it in anymore. it hurt me to hear him basically say fuck you, ima make as much noise as i want because i have a job and you dont. im tired of being woke up at the butt crack of dawn on the weekends. people are being in-con-fuggin-siderate. not people, my brother and his girlfriend. especially his stupid ass girlfriend. her voice carries. his laugh is loud as hell. im just tired yo. tired, tired, tired. i have a very hard time sleeping. i have dark circles around my eyes to prove it. when somebody wakes me up, im up. there is no going back to sleep for me. im considerate of the fact that my brother and his girlfriend work so i make sure i turn my music down and im not loud when i know they are going to bed. i overstand the fact that i dont work but im trying my damnest to work. ive applied 30 damn places yo. its not like i havent been trying. i need a job so i can get the fuck away from here. ive sat on the porch a couple of times and wondered why i came back to a place that makes me so unhappy. roanoke has so many memories that id rather not remember. my ex-boyfriend came to the cookout, uninvited of course. this is the same ex that beat my ass almost on a daily basis from ages of 13-17. i was hella uncomfortable...hell, uncomfortable is putting it mildly. if i wasnt here, i wouldnt have to deal with it. well, yes i would but he wouldnt be in front of my face. i love my family but i need my own space. i could have easily went to grad school in west va and never came back here. i could have had my own apartment, a graduate assistantship that gave me free tuition plus a stipend, and accepted a job with the court. nah, i had to come back here. i know there is some damn reason why im here. i dont know it yet but there is some reason why im here and i didnt stay in west virginia. the longer i stay here, unemployed and restless, the more frustrated and pessimistic i get. i need to get away from here. in a minute....peace and independence.....cream out.

ummmmmm.......I received the most thought out gift I have received in a long time. I admit, I am a hard person to shop for sometimes but it doesnt take much to make me smirk (i dont smile very often but thats another entry). Most people end up giving me money as gifts because they have no idea what to get. If they really listened to me, it would be blatantly obvious what I dig and what I don't dig. Anyway, I got "The Collected Poetry of Nikki Giovanni". I met her when I was in college....even got the book signed...but it was my grandmother's birthday and I knew that she digs Ms. Giovanni's poetry as much as I do sooooo....I got the book signed and mailed it to my grandma. Anyway, I've been reading poetry since I got it yesterday. I fell asleep with my face in the book last night. I'll probably post my first poem on here in a couple of days.

Why do people put such a big emphasis on sex?? You would think that sex is the most important act in life. People need to get out of their house a little more. Live a lot. There are soooo many things better than orgasms shared between 2 people. I have friends that don't overstand why I dont have casual sex. Well, let me explain why I think that casual sex is disgusting. When you are intimate with someone, you are a part of that person's life for the rest of your life....whether you still communicate with that person. you are still on their list and they are still on your list. i believe when you have sex with someone, your spirits touch. I dont want just anybody touching my spirit. If a woman has sex with me, I want her to feel privledged to have been one of the selectively chosen few. I've been intimate with 4 womyn and I was in a relationship with all 4. No cheating, no 3-somes (*gaggin*), none of that other experimental circus sex either. Just 2 people expressing their love for each other physically. Plus, I do not want to get a STD. People think that condoms and dental dams will stop anything. Ummm....I'ma need you to read up on that instead of tryin to smash every woman with a fat ass and a little bit of cash. knowledge is free. I know quite a few lesbians with herpes. I also know one that has HIV/AIDS and contracted it from WOMAN. Thats right boys and girls, if you are a lesbian, you can still get HIV/AIDS. I'd rather slide down a razor blade sliding board than allow a woman i barely know that have no feelings for and I know she doesnt have feelings for me, into my bedroom. If ya didn't know, now ya do.

I think my toad (Mike Jones) is sick. I'm gone to do some research to see whats up with my baby. He doesnt look right. In a minute....peace and love....prolific.

a thousand suns.......i need to write. i havent sat down and wrote seriously in about 8 weeks. mainly because ive been in one of my moods. there are things going on around me that bother me everyday. im dealing with them the best way i know how.....i turn my back and close my eyes. when something is bothering me. i get hella antisocial and i dont want to be bothered. phone calls dont get returned and if i do talk on the phone, conversation is minimal. so if i havent called or IM’ed, dont take it personally. you would rather not talk to me right now. it seems like since i left school, phone calls from people that used to blow up my phone has come to an end. am i upset? nah....like i said before, i have no use for seasonal people. get on like ya been shit on. next...its weird how i used to write every time something was bothering me but things have changed a little. the words dance in my head but i dont write them down. ive been reading a lot lately thanks to graduation gifts from miss down down. homegirl sparked the return of the pen hittin the pad. thanks lil mama. anyway, i finally realize that my writing suffered because i wasnt reading like i used to. ive read 3 books in 2 weeks which is more than i have in a long, long time. i havent read like this since my first year of college. next....there is something about casual sex that is utterly disgusting to me. on the other hand, if i wait until i am in a relationship with someone that i love and i know loves me....i might not have sex for a very long. the last time i had sex was august 2004. sucks doesnt it? its not like i havent had opportunities to...i just havent done the damn thing. i dont need my life to be more complicated than what it is already. i wish miss “doesnt irritate cream to the point where she wants to shank her” would hurry up and whisper poetry in my ear...and not “wait til you see my strap”. smh...im sooooo tired of that song. whats so arousing about “wait til you see my dick. ima beat dat pussy up”? if a chick comes at me like that she is gettin shanked in the gut. next....one of my goals in life is to clean up my credit. ive seen first hand how if ya dont pay ya shit, ya wont have shit. i cant get high speed because of somebody else’s fuck up. since the bill was at this house, i cant do it. right now, there arent any words to describe how angry i am. my mother keeps sayin “well, you just have to deal with the slow one.” i have to deal with slow ass fuckin dial up because of YOUR ex’s bill. i shouldnt have to deal with it. all i gotta say is 6 muthafuckin months after get a job.....im out. i found out the electric bill has been in my name since i was 12. how the fuck can i have a damn electric bill if i dont have a fuckin job? *breathing...woooooo sahhhhhh* this is the most angry i have been since i was in school. some kinda way, ima have high speed in this bitch. somebody is gon do something dammit. the new layout is a work in progress.....i need high speed to upload it tho. im gon to take a walk. in a minute......peace and good credit......cream out.