Capricorn

It could be that a mental war is brewing in your world today, dear Capricorn. There is an extremely active part of your psyche that needs to be heard. Feel free to say your piece openly and honestly.



this might be a long post because i have a lot on my mind. i was looking forward to my weekend off. well, my father came down here after i told me that i didnt feel like being bothered. to make the long story short, he came down here and he and my mother got into an argument....the last thing i wanted to see. there are so many negative emotions between the two that i knew it was bound to happen. i looked at him sitting on my couch and thought about the times when i was hungry or when i didnt get a damn thing for christmas or when the men that i trusted physically abused me.....he was somewhere laid up. now, he wants to move here and "right his wrongs". the wrongs cant be righted in this lifetime. it would take more than just a couple of visits, calling me occasionally, and popping up when you werent invited to make things right. i sit in front of him and i dont know what to say...what can i talk to this man about? im closer to my mother's boyfriend than i am to my own father. now, dont get it fucked up, i love my father but its a weird type love....like, i love him but i dont like him. he has done soooo much stuff over the years that im really surprised that i can talk to him without getting angry now. ive made a lot of progress but not so much progress that im cool with him poppin up whenever he feels like it or he can just move here and we could have the perfect father-daughter relationship. thats not going to happen.
i went to the doctor yesterday and everything that is wrong with the world is due to my weight. the united states cant find weapons of mass destruction...due to my weight. i cant sleep...due to my weight. it has rained all day....due to my weight. ya get the point now? im just sick of this whole weight issue. ive always had a problem with my weight...every since i was young. ive always been chubby. now that im trying to eat right, nothing is happening. its like im eating 9489283 cheeseburgers a day when really im eating salads and fruit with taco bell once a week. i want to slim down to about 175 pounds. i know i didnt gain this weight over night so its not going to go away but dammit, can i at least see a little bit of progress? i want to start working out again but in order to do that, id have to go to work earlier. thats not a big deal except im not looking forward to working out in front of a bunch of cocky police officers. *sigh* the doctor told me that i need to start working out. now, i dont mind working out but i do mind being tired all of the time. how in the hell can i work out when im tired all of the time??? its like no matter what time i lay down, i go to sleep when my body is ready, not when im tired, if that makes sense. i go to bed between 230-430 every morning and then i wake up about 4 times before i get up. the things the doctor told me, i could have read on webmd or something. im starting to believe that healthcare is a fuggin joke around here. the doctor did take some blood so it could be tested for diabetes and a thyroid problem. im thinking positive about it tho.....i know what i have to do to prevent diabetes, its just a matter of doing it. all i know is, i have the poorest self-image of anyone i know and that is sooooo NOT hot fiyah. i got a lot of work to do. in a minute....peace and love....prolific.