destiny's child......i sit here...irritated. 1:00 am is not getting here fast enough. i just want quiet. i can do without a glass of wine or incense burning. i just want quiet. usually, on the third day of working a 10 hour shift, my patience gets thin and im so damn tired i dont want to even open my eyes or speak. i welcome the three days off i have coming up. i have to work on christmas eve and christmas day. its not that bad because i get 2 days to use later on....when everyone else is at work. ill get to open whatever presents i get on christmas day. for some reason, christmas isnt really moving me. ill get to see my niece's reaction to all the gifts she gets. i dont care what everybody else thinks about their gifts. i got everybody something even if it was just a pack of socks and underwear. i feel like christmas has turned into a commercial holiday. spend money money money until u are broke to make someone else happy. what about the most high? you should do deeds in the name of the most high all the time. ill probably sit at work and read in between taking police reports and im not going to take many of those. its christmas! i dont want to be bothered with trivial crap on a normal day....i better not be bothered with it on christmas day. next...today i was on the phone with my grandmother and she brought up the whole situation that happened to me when i was little. i know she didnt mean any harm. she doesnt even know how i feel about the situation because i dont talk about. i never have. i try not to think about it. no one knows who hurt me and i doubt anyone ever will. all i know is, it still bothers me. it explains a lot of my behavior as a child. i was thinking something was wrong with me because i was having sexual feelings at such a young age but hell, sex was something that was forced on me when most children are learning their abc's and watching sesame street. i try not to think about the fact that some man some where in this world thought it was ok to do things to a child that he could do with an adult. i try not to think about the fact my family hid all this from me until i was in middle school. they didnt know what i was feeling. hell, no one took the time to ask. i guess they thought i had blocked out everything from my memory. psychiatrists can only do so much. i blocked out most of it but its still some where in my brain. ask l.w.n. and she will tell you about the tears that are shed. i try not to think about that incident is the first of many negative sexual experiences ive had. maybe if it hadnt happened, id be a different person. maybe i wouldnt have gone through half of the shit that ive been through. ive never been pregnant, never had a disease, but ive been ripped open, bruised, and ignored when i said stop. i try not to think about the fact that every male that was around me got tested voluntarily but my father refused. every day i try not to think about it but this afternoon, my grandmother decided to bring it up. my mother doesnt talk about it. ive never really talked to my father about it. probably never will. we havent spoken in months. i lost his phone number when my old phone broke. he has my number but hasnt called. thats not unusual. maybe he will call on christmas. i doubt it tho. this is an everyday struggle....keeping my eyes from leaking, my mental clear, my actions positive, my irritability at a minimum, my patience high, my intentions good, and that shit off of my brain. as cliche as it sounds, ima survivor. im strong even when im weak. in a minute.....peace and love...prolific out.