silent night......not quite. im laying on my floor, in the dark, with bilal blastin through my headphones. that negro needs to make a new album ASAP. my christmas was cool even tho i had to work AND i have a damn cold. i dont know who i got it from but if i could hunt down that evil, germ infested, person and make them drink all this nasty nyquil that i have been downing for the past 3 days and then blow all my snot on them, i would. yeah yeah, that was nasty as hell but for real, this cold thing is no joke. i hate being sick. i dont like taking medicine and i damn sure dont like blowing my nose, coughing or both every 5 minutes. hopefully, this mess will go away swiftly. what did i get for christmas? *insert evil laugh here* i got a new computer, 2 night gowns, a $50 gift certificate, and 2 candles. i think thats it. my room is such a mess that i dont know whats what. it would be so nice to take a candlelit bubble bath and sip merlot while listening to some jazz. unfortunately, that cant happen. at least, not right now. id probably fall asleep in the tub...which would probably be a good thing since i got woke up at the butt crack of dawn by my niece's screams because santa claus brought her annabelle. this annabelle doll blinks, makes noises, and all kinds of other crap. they didnt have dolls like that when i was younger...times change yo. she got mad stuff for christmas...enough toys and clothes for 3 children. she deserves it tho. dora wasnt here which sucked monkey's nuts. i miss her all the time but especially today. it felt so fucked up not to exchange gifts with her today. i couldnt see the excitement on her face when she finally saw what i got her for christmas. it would have been nice to lay up in the ned with her and just chill. i need her kisses right about now cuz in all honestly, im lonely. i have a new job...the job wanted....im living aight....im surrounded by my fam and a few friends....but im still lonely. im still anti-social even tho i have made it a point to be somewhat social at least once this month. ive yet to meet someone new that i click with on a friendship level since ive been home. hell, what did i expect? there wasnt anybody i associated with before i left so what makes things different now? *sigh* i definitely need to get my license so i can go some where that has poetry cafes, jazz concerts, museums.....anything but here. i wanna be far away from here...far away from....loneliness. my eyes are heavy....i better catch sleep while i can. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

hmmmm......if nothing is holding me back from living my dreams but me......why am i standing still? i am submerged in love for her.....but im still afraid of letting my guard down. its fucked up how things that happened or that were said 10-15 years ago, still cross my mind. choose your words carefully....once they are spoken, they cant be taken back. you never know how your words will effect someone. the words of those closest to you hurt the worst. sometimes, i wish that i never went to school.....maybe i wouldnt expect so much. ignorance is bliss huh? i refuse to get up at 4 am to shop for christmas stuff with a bunch of crazy people when i have to go to work at 8 am. fuck those sales....dammit ima be sleep. i want to go to sleep but there is a lot on my mind. its funny how i thought writing would clear my mind......guess not.

fast lane.......its a sunny saturday afternoon and for once, i have the day off from work. PLUS, i officially have high speed. new layout in the works ladies and gents. it feels so good to be able to click on something and it comes right up instead of that old crappy, slow as honey down a big booty, dial up. i had to pay a deposit, had to argue for a couple of months but gatdammit, i finally have what i want and its alllll mine. its been a while since i updated...basically because i work 10 hour days and by the time i get home, talk to dora, eat dinner, and wash my ass.....its time to go nite nite. now that i have high speed, i think ill update more. fast internet=temporary happiness. next step, a new damn computer. this thing out dated....im ready to move on to something bigger and better. everything in its time tho. hmmm...lets see....i still strongly dislike my job but im still there. bills dont care if im happy or not. they still have to be paid. ive been applying other places tho. again i say, everything in its time. ive written a lot in my notebook recently...i might post some of the stuff ive written when i finish the new layout. i have to keep writing regardless of whats going on in my life. im still going through writer's block with my poetry tho. nothing seems to come to me when i have a pen in my hand but the minute im on my way home from work or if im in the shower, the words start dancing in my head. anybody that knows me knows that my memory and my attention span are short as hell. anyway....new layout comin soon. in a minute....peace and high speed.....cream out.

a dream deferred........its 5 am and i cant sleep. usually, i would be in my bed, snoring, drooling, and dreaming about airplanes crashing or me accepting an award in front of thousands of people....but this morning, i am wide awake. when something happens, im one of those people who doesnt “feel” it until a couple of weeks later. i try to push things in the back of my mind because i dont want to be depressed.....hell, who does? i try not to think about anything bad because i know it will consume my mind and stress me the fuck out. that being said, something happened about 2 weeks ago that i havent talked about nor wanted to talk about....one of those things that i pushed in the back of my mind hoping it would just go away. a couple of weeks ago, i took a polygraph for the police department. i was told the reason why i had to take it in the first place was because there were “questionable” people in my immediate family that threw up red flags. i wasnt “questionable” but my fam was. my record is clean....so is my piss. hell, you can do a spinal tap and take some of my hair....i dont partake in any drugs except the occasional glass of wine when i can afford a bottle. to make the long story short, i failed a couple of questions on the test.....the questions that i had actually told the truth on. i was truthful will every question....no i dont take any drugs, including pills that arent prescribed to me, no i havent stolen anything over $25, no i havent done anything illegal except for download music, no, no , no. the test was tryin to detect lies in me but instead lied. the only reason why i had to take the damn test was because of “questionable” people in my fam. i cant help that im the only legal one in my fam. its like im guilty by relation. when i graduated, i thought i would come back here, get a job with the police department or become a police officer eventually and now, that thought has been river danced on, a-town stomped, spit on, and left to die. this basically means that i cant become a police officer because u have to pass a polygraph and well....i cant. i feel like i went through college for absolutely nothing. i have a degree thats sittin in an envelope, inside another envelope, that i cant even use. i worked my ass off for something that is basically useless to me. im over $50,000 in debt for what.....a fucked up job at a bank that i could have gotten even if i didnt have my degree. all because, i have “questionable” people in my fam. i cant control what they do....i thought controlling what i did was most important. i guess not. so my question now is, now what? where in the hell do i go from here? i know i have to keep moving forward, keep believing that there is something out there for me....something much bigger than this. this cant be my life. maybe im not meant for the whole legal atmosphere....but gat dammit thats what i went to school for, studied my ass off, made sure that i didnt get into any trouble for, and now ladies and gents.....what the fuck do i do with it? if that damn piece of paper didnt cost me over $50,000, i would rip it up and piss on it cuz its useless to me at this point. in 3 hours, i have to go to a job that i hate to earn just enough money to pay my rent and my bankruptcy lawyer. *sigh* like i said, this cant be my life. i know that im destined for something much bigger than this shit. hmm....and people wonder why im so damn angry. in a minute....peace and a focused mind......cream out.

unplugged......this alicia keys unplugged cd combined with jill scott's book of poetry has inspired me to write despite the fact that im tired from working all day. dora sent me a package today.....to my surprise. i bet she was about to burst because she didnt tell me until today. we're not good at secrets. we both hate surprises. anyway, she sent me a bag of blow pops (my favorite), the jill scott book, and the alicia keys unplugged bootleg. before yall get ya draws in a bunch about the bootleg....i bought the cd but i wanted to rip it and put it on my ipod and guess wha....it wont allow me to. well, it will but it sounds like it skips so im guessing thats the cd protection thingy. i hate that shit...if i buy the damn cd, i should be able to put it on my ipod or burn a copy to play in the car. *sigh* last night, i showed her what i got her for christmas so far on webcam. im tempted to mail her the coat that i bought her because its getting cold and i know she needs it. hopefully, she will get up here soon and i can spend some time with her. its been over a month since we've seen each other and i would be lying if i said i dont miss her. i sleep easier when she is here. like i said before, im more at peace when she is here.....my life doesnt suck so much when she is here. dating status changes....so called friends changes. sad but true. i thought that a certain person was my friend come to find out....what i thought was friendship was bullshit. that seems to be the story of my social life. im not going to let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch but i will say this.....once you have lost my friendship, once you are deemed uncool, there is no coming back. it seems like when i told people that were my so called friends about my relationship, that was the end of our alleged friendship. sad situation. oh well. the job search continues. im neva comfortable. the business is still in the works....i cant wait to get started. aight....thats enough for now. im about to light my sandalwood candle and listen to ms. keys. in minute.....peace and heartburn (the good kind).....cream out.

untitled #81820291this migraine thing is back. i definitely need to get this ish checked. it feels like a million lil oompa loompas are trapped inside my head and they all gathered at my forehead, right above my eyes.....and they are doing the a-town stomp, trying to escape. i need health insurance, ASAP. next...i refuse to write about my job. i think i have expressed how much i hate it over and over again so like i said, im not going to mention it. i will say....i feel like the real me is trapped inside this 9-6 working, business suit wearin, prim and proper imposter...posing as me enjoying my life. when im able to rid myself of her and strip down to my soul and finally breathe, ill be good. never said ill be happy because happiness and contentment are joined like siamese twins and ill never be content....at least not as long as im still conscious. my life isnt so bad, hell it could be worse. im just a lil pissy cuz im not living out my dreams. i wonder how many people do live what they dream. moving on, hollywood pink is that crack. i finally found an avon lady. that chic doesnt know that she is going to make a lot of money offa me.....i love hollywood pink. it smells so damn girly and sweet like chocolate kisses and rose petals against freshly showered skin. *sigh* i cant wait for dora to come back so she can smell me...cuz my perfume smells like her. everytime i spray it, i think about her. wonder if she know how much i miss her....i doubt it because i tend to be a mean ass. im distant at times and i try to keep focused on other things but when other things in my life arent going right, i dont want to focus on them so i turn my attention to missin her. when she is here, i tend to laugh a lot more. my stress level is almost nonexistant...almost because i always think about the fact that she has to go home. everything feels different when she is here. i dont think ill ever overstand this love thing. all i know is, its a nice experience and im glad im sharing it with her. aight ladies and gents....this migraine is officially kickin my ass. im off to bed. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

love angel.......sometimes, i wish that i wasnt so damn focused. there are certain things that i cant do because i know if i do them, it will ruin my career. i wont be able to get the jobs that i want. so, i remain focused but at the same time, i get bored. i dont smoke, i rarely drink, i dont go clubbin very often.....you can say im a pretty settled person. sometimes i think im too young for that. life is so damn short but at the same time, i dont want to shorten it any more by making stupid decisions. *sigh* i absolutely despise my job. talking to arrogant people that have no common sense for 8 hours, 5 days a week, gets on my last good nerve. im not a finance person....dont get me wrong, i like having money and i like spending money. i dont like dealing with other people's money. i have no interest in banking. i know there is something bigger than this meant for me. there has to be something bigger. i know that i have a bigger purpose than this. me and woo are still building our natural hair and body care business. the preparation stage is long as hell. we have to decide how much we are going to invest, the suppliers to use, what products to offer, etc...etc....etc. i cant wait to get it poppin. with her business sense and my skill....we will be successful. i remember thinking that it wouldnt be a good idea for us to be in business together for the simple fact that we are exes. the ex shit is a part of the past. its not like our break up was bad. we mutually came to the agreement that our relationship wasnt healthy. our friendship never stopped. anyway, thats my business partner that just happens to be my ex. if you are interested in ordering something, e-mail me. next....dora was supposed to come here on the 9th of next month but....she cant. im a little disappointed but hell....thats what comes with a long distance relationship. sometimes she calls me....frustrated as hell and i know that if i was there or she was here, things would be better. im not used to having a relationship with someone that is always around me. my last one was with that cunt. its going to take some time to get adjusted to having her around. im used to being by myself...used to having my own space. she is going to have to get used to my moods...my fickleness....all the makings of me. hope she can handle it. aight...i need to go eat dinner and take my ass to bed...i have to go off the workplace hell tomorrow. in a minute....peace and jazz....cream out.

slingblade......ive been feelin hella anti-social for the past week. i havent felt like being around anybody. i havent felt like talking. i just want to be.....at peace, enjoying my own company. my fam has been gettin on my nerves too. i have closed myself in my room after i get home from work for the past 2 weeks. me and my sister arent gettin along right now.....mainly because she acts differently around her friend. i know it has a lot to do with the fact that im 24 and she and her friend are under 20. not saying that everyone under 20 is immature....but her and her friend are the perfect examples of immaturity. walking around the mall lookin at shit when you dont have any money isnt cute to me. riding around looking for dudes to give my number to isnt cute either. they actually stress when their phones arent ringing. smh. they giggle and geek like 10 year olds. it irritates the hell outta me. my mom has been walking around the house with an attitude. i dont know if she is pms'n or what but i wish she would get over it....whateva it may be. my brother and his girlfriend do the usual things to get on my nerves. its weird tho....they havent got on my nerves as much as they usually do. maybe its because the irritation has been induced by other people besides them. dora was here about a week ago. its like a breath of fresh air in a stank room when she comes here. she nurtures me....which im not used to. ive never had someone that opens doors for me, rubs my feet, washes my hair, cleans my room while im at work.....*sigh* someone that gives just as much as she receives. that means so much to me. like i said, its different than what im used to. today we got in our first real argument. we have had some heated discussions but never to the point where i wanted to scream at her.....and im not one to argue. we are ok now but it opened my eyes to the fact that i have trust issues. well, i knew that all along but i thought i was better than what i was. when i said i would commit to her, i didnt say that i was perfect or that i had everything together. i admit that i have some issues....nothing major tho. she knows about some things....some things she doesnt. ill let her know in due time. maybe i should get around to telling her some things so she will understand why i react the way i do to certain situations. next....my job still sucks herpes infected monkey's balls. im prayin that i get the job with the police station. i want to tell this bank to kiss my entire yella ass. nobody knows whats going on....a bunch of people runnin around thinking they know every damn thing but really dont know shit. plus, their policies are stupid as hell....i feel like im in elementary school. aight i feel like im rambling....ill holla. in a minute....peace and mustard biscuits.....cream out.

drive slow homie.....i got off from work early because i only took 5 phone calls from 9-3. we shouldnt have had to work on labor day any gatdamn way. i hate that job but its a paycheck every week. i cant wait until i start doing what i really want to do. oh well...im home now. things have been ok. im trying to stay as stress and drama free as i can. it seems like its hard as hell to stay that way living here. if it aint one thing, its another but its never MY drama. its always someone elses. im just waiting on the day when we (my fam and i) will live peacefully with no bullshit and issues. i know every fam has issues but we dont have internal issues....our issues come from people outside of the fam. like i said, i cant wait for the day that i can be away from it. i refuse to allow this place or these people to drive me insane. me and dora are fine. we have had a couple of little heated discussions, which is normal. im moody as hell (especially since i stopped taking those pills to regulate my period, my attitude can be downright shitty at times, and im easily irritated. that takes a while to get used to. im getting used to having a girlfriend. im not used to having someone that im obligated to talking to everyday. im not used to actually givin a fuck about someone else's feelings to the point where i watch what i say and the tone i take. ive never been with someone so.....innocent. half of the things i have experienced in my lifetime, she hasnt. she hasnt developed the thick skin and coldness that i have in my heart. she is damn near pure. true, she has experienced some pain but no where close to the amount that i have. she has the biggest heart.....didnt think people like her existed anymore. makes me wonder sometimes, why someone so innocent would love someone that is tainted as me so much. not like im dirty or anything but ive had my share of bullshit. been through a couple of bad breakups, a physically abusive relationship, a couple of bad sexual experiences, and a partridge in a pear tree. i know that she loves me....flaws, my past, and all. i just hope i can love her with the innocence and purity that she loves me with. next....new orleans. if i didnt have a job, id probably be there. it hurts me to my soul to see so many people without help. the richest nation in the world has their people living like people in third world countries. that shit is sad. its sad that we sent soooo much money to the tsunami victims and to people in iraq but we cant help our own people. im not gonna go into any political beefs or issues either (race, class, etc. as a reason why those victims havent gotten help). please support your local red cross or many of the other organizations that are collecting money for the victims. thats enough for now.....im hungry. in a minute....peace and love......cream out.

on the count of 3......my day was cool. for some reason my job didnt get on my nerves as much. ive been laid back all damn day. my moma bought me 2 pairs of heels this morning. im starting to have an extreme shoe fetish. actually, im starting to dress more like a girl. i even bought a purse!!! that is soooo weird for me but i needed one. outwardly, im more feminine but inside, im a little more aggressive. actually, a lot more aggressive. its cool tho....im with someone that accepts all of me.....the tomboy days and the prissy days....my moods, my flaws. everything. next....i just read something that not only made me skin my teeth....but laugh a lil bit. as all of my friends know, my friendship is golden. im not one of those fairweather, we are only cool when i want or need something from you type friends. my cypher has decreased a lot since i decided to cut my grass. i saw a couple of rats and snakes.....the queen can not live in those conditions. anyway, i will not entertain rantings about assumed information. so....if ya like me, you do. if not, thats ok too. if you want to be in my space, fine. if you dont, fine. either way, i will not lose sleep, i will not shed tears, i wont feel some kinda way about it......either you ride with me or get run over. *honkin my horn and chuckin the deuce* next....i need a vacation. lmao....i just started working and im talking about i need a vacation. i want to go some where ive never been....do some things ive dreamed of doing. everything in its time tho. aight...gotta go get some sleep. i got work tomorrow. in a minute...chuckin the deuce....cream out.

gooooooo......long time no write. been busy....workin and all. im still looking for a new job. this bank shit is not for me. its not like its a bad job....hell, i sit and talk to people on the phone all day. its just not something im interested in and it doesnt pay me what im worth. *sigh* the police dept. is in the process of doing a background check (i made it past the interview stage) and since i know my background is clean, im sure they will call me in for a drug test which will be clean too. (im a good girl yall) ill probably be working the midnight shift or an evening shift. if they are paying me good with good benefits, i dont give a fuck. i need insurance and some money to stack. i want to have money put away so if i want to go on a cruise in the winter, i can do it. or if something were to happen, i would be ok. i want to have my finances like my grandfather had his. next......my girl came here a couple of weeks ago and my mother showed her how to get to my job. she came on my lunch break. when i first laid eyes on her, i was nervous as fuck....im not gonna front. as much shit as i talk, im shy as hell in person. hell, shy is puttin it mildly. we ate lunch together and when i got off, we went to eat sushi. ohhh gosh....the japanese shit is not for everybody, lmao. i enjoyed my sushi while her and frisky were talking about the miso soup and salad. that damn soup smelled HORRIBLE. i wouldnt feed that shit to my dog. he’d probably sniff it and bite my ass for puttin some nasty shit like that in front of him and expecting him to eat it. the damn salad was nothing but lettuce and some kinda ginger salad dressing. i thought a salad consisted of more than just some damn lettuce. can a chic get some tomatoes and ranch or something?? HELL NO. the waitress told us that there were no other salad dressings and all they had was unsweetened tea, which pissed frisky off because she loves her tea. that chile doesnt do fountain drinks but she did yesterday. dora ordered chicken and shrimp teriyaki and frisky ordered chicken teriyaki. lmao....it was good from what i tasted from hers but uhhh.....that salad and that soup was not hot fire. then, me and dora (her nickname is dora because she looks like a damn mexican and ummm....she is an explorer, heheheh) went to the club. i had on a pair of black cargo pants, a black corset, a black shirt on top of my corset that i left open, and some black heels. i picked my fro out and it was huge. i looked like a blaxploitation character. dora was lookin sessi in her khaki cargo pants, bob marley shirt, and a pair of tims. *sigh* anyway, we walked in the club and it was deep as hell. to be so fuggin lame, the club was deep. we walked around and i saw this chic point at me so i looked like "who in the hell is this chic pointin at?" why in the sam ham from the boonies was it that cunt (ty) and her girl?" she said "your hair is huge!!" i introduced her to dora and that cunt looked like she wanted to shank my girl. the cunt and her girl followed us around the fuggin club all night. smh. when we got up and dance, they did. when we kissed, they kissed. ummmm...was supposed to feel some kinda way about that??? *LMAO* i had a lot of fun when she was here. my fam digs her a lot. my sister likes her too. i cooked while she was here too. i made a pork roast, mac and cheese (not that box shit either), string beans, and my sister made bbq chicken. mayn, she looked so damn happy when i sat her plate in front of her. she is supposed to be coming back here next month. next....a lot of people that were close to me arent speaking to me now. it bothers me because they were a part of my space. i allowed them in and they stopped talking to me because i chose to be with dora. me and india have been tight for sooooo damn long. she was there for me when i needed someone to listen to me and i was there for her as well. now, she wont talk to me. i thought our friendship was stronger than that. next.....i made the new layout last night. i had to....the other one was gettin old. im working on dora's layout now. the creative bug has bit me in the ass. im off to enjoy the rest of my day off. in a minute.....maybe 2....peace and LOYALTY.....cream out.

cot damn....its a new day.....met her in february....conversed day and night....talked about her dreams, my stress, our future wasnt even talked about because at the time, i was gettin over a fucked up relationship with a cunt that shall remain nameless because in all honesty, im glad that i fucked with that cunt. if i hadnt fucked with that cunt, got fucked over, i would have never met....her. all the bullshit and bruises that cunt left on my heart kept me from opening my mouth and telling her how i felt. that shti remained a secret until a couple of months ago. anyway, she got a girl and by girl, i do mean girl, as in a fuckin childish ass chic. i admit, i was a tad bit heated when she told me but hell, a closed mouth dont get fed so that was that. i avoided her calls, wouldnt talk to her on messenger either. i took that shit as a loss and moved the fuck on. its not like i would have been ready to get on that level with her anyway. i was on some fuck love, fuck relationships, and no fuckin for me type shit. time went on, she and her girl broke up. we became friends again....well, we never stopped being friends its just that....im stubborn as fuck so i was reluctant to talk to her. she listened to me when nobod else would....mentally held me when i cried....consoled my heart to the point....this point....im not afraid to be loved or to open myself up a little bit....fuck that....im not afraid to be open with her. true indeed, im never an open book but im not afraid to allow her to read a couple of pages every now and then. it took me 3 months to admit the fact that what i was running from and what i was looking for, were the same fuckin thing. now, did that make any damn sense? i didnt think so either. what i wanted was right there the whole fuckin time but i had my eyes closed.....i wasnt blind, i just had my eyes closed. when i finally decided to open them, i realized all of the above. so now that my eyes are open and im no longer afraid.....im done bullshittin. im done running. im tired of having my hands full of past bullshit. im done with the late night conversations full of broken promises and unfulfilled desires (at least on my end). im tired of women proclaiming their love for me and how im so different and so fuckin perfect for them, only to hear some bullshit in the next sentence. im sooo fuckin done. she found me and stood by me even when i told her i wasnt ready....even when she knew that i was talking to someone else. she waited because she thinks im worth it. a 5 hour drive and 3 months of chasing my own damn tail has led me to this.....im officially spoken for. in a minute.....peace and love....cream out.

5 minute update.....just a quick update. im at work, as normal. my weekend was cool..busy as hell, but cool. i went to dc to see my grandma and do some yard work for her. it felt good to see her. my aunt has a computer that i want sooooo bad. a new computer will be my next big purchase. sunday, i cleaned my room since i got a new bookshelf. i had no idea that i had so many books. all of my books couldnt fit on the damn shelf. my room looks so damn pretty now. i just have to paint and get a desk for my computer and it will be perfect. next....today marks the 1 year anniversary of my celibacy. a year is enough yo. lmao. ive been a good girl for too damn long. i wanna be bad. i was thinking....ive never done anything really bad. i mean, some people would say that me being a lesbian is horrible but who gives a hairy rat's nuts what they think. ima good girl dammit. anyway, i want to have fun now. ive been cautious, ive been careful, and what has it gotten me?? BOREDOM. im soooo ready to start living. while im at work being bored, im going to write a list of things that i want to do in the next 2 years. ill post the list in a few. damn...lunch hour is over. in a minute....peace and life....cream out.

random thoughts @ work #2343728......
1. jess is my buddy...work sucks when she isnt here. 2. as long as jess doesnt fart, we will remain cool.
3. if this chic farts....ima shank her.
4. this is so damn boring *sigh*
5. its not 5:00 yet? dammit.
6. hooters for lunch sounds yummy.
7. that could be taken 2 ways....hehehehe.
8. equal amounts of hooters and booty make me smile.
9. although they are nothing with out intelligence.
10. praise moses its friday.
11. if another person says i look like jill scott ima scream.
12. jess is an idiot...ima mess around and get in trouble.
13. i cant wait to get a new cell phone.
14. less than 25% of my friends will have my cell phone number.
15. again, jess is an idiot.
16. i need to write...might do that in a minute.
17. i wonder if she knows that i have a crush on her.
18. probably not because i dont think she reads this.
19. ill tell her one day.
20. i get paid to do sit around and talk to jess.

damn....back to work. in a minute.....peace and hooters....cream out.

spaceship part deux.......im at work eatin cheetos puffs, sippin grape juice, and being bored outta my mind. i cant wait until payday. thursday seems so damn far away. im buying a bookshelf that ive had my eye on since i was around 18. its nothing special, 5 shelves, oak, blah blah blah. i need it for my 732378923 books that i have. the next thing im buying for my room is a desk. not having a desk sucks cows cooch. i need a cell phone too. *cheesin* my bitches have to be able to reach me at all times.....i kid, i kid. fa real tho, i want to be able to be online and talk on the damn phone. dial up is slow as an obese chic on a tread mill. i need to find a way to get highspeed ASAP. next....my migraine problem is back. i have no idea why but dammit, its here. have a migraine almost everyday and im not one to pop pills so i deal with the pain until i cant open my eyes. usually, i fall asleep. yesterday, i didnt. i sat in my bed with my eyes closed for about 2 hours. after i said fuck it and got up, i drank a glass of cold water and it left. anyway, im going to see a doctor as soon as i get some health insurance. next....my ex called me a couple of days ago with bass in her voice because she read my blog and she thought i was writing about her in one particular part. smh. i wasnt talkin about her, i was actually talkin about someone that is slowly gettin kicked outta my space. true, i was talking about her in the beginning but the statement that she was referring to wasnt about her. trust, if i had something to say about her, id write it and i would say it to her face. no one pumps fear over here....trust. you owe me an apology wit yo sensitive ass. next....on to my social life...formerly known as my love life. im still not ready to be in a committed relationship. i still have some roaming to do. not sayin i want to fuck anybody.....the offers keep coming but i decline them all. not sayin that sex doesnt frequent my mind like im a 15 year old boy. i have a lot of things that i want to do before i commit to someone. i have a couple of distant crushes...i admire them from a distance and ill probably never admit to the fact that i have a crush on them. oh yeah, and im not naming names heffas. i have a couple of chics that have crushes on me *blushin* one is a little closer to me than everyone else. everyone else is on the curb, in front of my house. she is in the yard. get the picture? i know she would do anything in the world that she could for me. that means a whole lot, especially since ive never had someone that truly has my back before. i dont let people get too close to me. gettin close to me might happen one day.....everything in its time homegirl. im just chillin for now. anyway, back to work i go. in a minute....probably 30....peace and sugar cookies....cream out.

working girl........yes, the queen is employed. not at that damn 911 dispatch center either. im still waiting for the deputy clerk's office to call me back to say yay or nay. at the present moment im employed at a bank call center. it feels good to get up in the morning, take a shower, and get all dolled up like the grown womyn i am. i thought that i would hate the business casual dress code but its not that bad. ive started taking better care of myself since ive been working. maybe it is because i finally have a reason to make sure i look good. people outside of my family see me now. i cant wait for my first paycheck....im definitely going shopping. lane bryant and a couple of shoe stores are callin me. i just discovered that i have a shoe fetish. smh...my feet are big so its hard to find shoes that actually look right and fit right. i bought a pair of 3 inch, black, pointy toed, slide in heels for $7. having big feet pays off sometimes. next....the new layout is a work in progress. now that i work, i dont have the time. by the time i get home, do laundry, cook, go to the grocery store or wally world, and call a couple of my friends...i dont wanna get outta my bed for anything. the new layout soon come. next....i recently found out that a friend of mine found my blog. how she found it, she wont say but all i know is, she read it from beginning to end. she claims that she has a better understanding of why i am the way that i am. i guess thats a good thing. i finally have a love life....which feels kinda weird because i continue not to let anyone into my space. im ready for love but im not ready for an official relationship, if that makes sense. hell, it makes sense to me. ill be ready one day, just not right now. who knows, 2 months from now, i might be in a relationship. right now, im not moved enough to be in a relationship. there have been offers....*blushin* but like i said, im not ready. if they think im the one like neo, they will wait for me. if not, it wasnt meant to be. next...my brother's girlfriend got a new car yesterday. she has an 04 kia spectra. im happy for her because she got a new car but uhhh....a kia??? she is kinda disappointed because its not what she really wants. well, if its not what you want, why did you get it? im not going to pay for something that i dont want or like. thats why im saving up for the car i want. by this time next year, ill have it. i cant wait to purchase my chrysler 300 M. well, i have to get my license first....lol. everything in its time ladies and gentlemen, everything in its time. i need to get back to work.....im doing big things. in a minute....peace and love...cream out.

independence my ass.....its been a while, i know. i havent had the urge to write online. a whole lot of nothing has been going on with me so i didnt want to bore peeps with my ramblings. well, things have been going on....but ill get to that in a few. damn, where to begin? ok...my 4th. we cooked so much damn food....nah nah nah, lemme rephrase that....i cooked so much damn food. i barely ate because being around all that food ruined my appetite. i did partake in some pineapples soaked in gin and 99 bananas. i played bartender while everyone was laughin, jokin, and drinkin. overall, the cookout was good. being the anti-social being that i am, i wasnt feelin all those people. my brother’s girlfriend didnt really irritate me for once. the little kids running around screamin and fightin over toys that didnt belong to them in the first place didnt irritate me either. i was just chill. i had to be my brother’s nurse when he got so damn drunk that he got sick. i told his ass that he couldnt take all that liquor but he didnt listen. i cleaned up his puke (yeah, i know ima good sister), washed his clothes that he got puke on, and put his ass to bed. his girlfriend kept askin him was ok but no time did that smut pick up a towel or a rag to clean up some puke. *sigh* next....i talked to one of my exes a couple of days ago. i just asked how was your 4th....just being nice since i called most of my peeps to see what they were up to. she acted shady as fuck on the phone. it was like, since she had company, this broad was actin like i was just some random chic. i promptly slapped her ass with the dial tone. it will be a while before i call her again. dont act brand new because you have your “friend” over. im tellin yall, i cant stand people who act brand new because they have something new in their lives, whether it be a special someone or something materialistic. get some self esteem and stop depending on someone or something to make you “shine”...fuck you very much. next.....my living situation is gettin worse. me and my brother got into an argument this morning. we havent argued since we were little. ive just had enough. i couldnt hold it in anymore. it hurt me to hear him basically say fuck you, ima make as much noise as i want because i have a job and you dont. im tired of being woke up at the butt crack of dawn on the weekends. people are being in-con-fuggin-siderate. not people, my brother and his girlfriend. especially his stupid ass girlfriend. her voice carries. his laugh is loud as hell. im just tired yo. tired, tired, tired. i have a very hard time sleeping. i have dark circles around my eyes to prove it. when somebody wakes me up, im up. there is no going back to sleep for me. im considerate of the fact that my brother and his girlfriend work so i make sure i turn my music down and im not loud when i know they are going to bed. i overstand the fact that i dont work but im trying my damnest to work. ive applied 30 damn places yo. its not like i havent been trying. i need a job so i can get the fuck away from here. ive sat on the porch a couple of times and wondered why i came back to a place that makes me so unhappy. roanoke has so many memories that id rather not remember. my ex-boyfriend came to the cookout, uninvited of course. this is the same ex that beat my ass almost on a daily basis from ages of 13-17. i was hella uncomfortable...hell, uncomfortable is putting it mildly. if i wasnt here, i wouldnt have to deal with it. well, yes i would but he wouldnt be in front of my face. i love my family but i need my own space. i could have easily went to grad school in west va and never came back here. i could have had my own apartment, a graduate assistantship that gave me free tuition plus a stipend, and accepted a job with the court. nah, i had to come back here. i know there is some damn reason why im here. i dont know it yet but there is some reason why im here and i didnt stay in west virginia. the longer i stay here, unemployed and restless, the more frustrated and pessimistic i get. i need to get away from here. in a minute....peace and independence.....cream out.

ummmmmm.......I received the most thought out gift I have received in a long time. I admit, I am a hard person to shop for sometimes but it doesnt take much to make me smirk (i dont smile very often but thats another entry). Most people end up giving me money as gifts because they have no idea what to get. If they really listened to me, it would be blatantly obvious what I dig and what I don't dig. Anyway, I got "The Collected Poetry of Nikki Giovanni". I met her when I was in college....even got the book signed...but it was my grandmother's birthday and I knew that she digs Ms. Giovanni's poetry as much as I do sooooo....I got the book signed and mailed it to my grandma. Anyway, I've been reading poetry since I got it yesterday. I fell asleep with my face in the book last night. I'll probably post my first poem on here in a couple of days.

Why do people put such a big emphasis on sex?? You would think that sex is the most important act in life. People need to get out of their house a little more. Live a lot. There are soooo many things better than orgasms shared between 2 people. I have friends that don't overstand why I dont have casual sex. Well, let me explain why I think that casual sex is disgusting. When you are intimate with someone, you are a part of that person's life for the rest of your life....whether you still communicate with that person. you are still on their list and they are still on your list. i believe when you have sex with someone, your spirits touch. I dont want just anybody touching my spirit. If a woman has sex with me, I want her to feel privledged to have been one of the selectively chosen few. I've been intimate with 4 womyn and I was in a relationship with all 4. No cheating, no 3-somes (*gaggin*), none of that other experimental circus sex either. Just 2 people expressing their love for each other physically. Plus, I do not want to get a STD. People think that condoms and dental dams will stop anything. Ummm....I'ma need you to read up on that instead of tryin to smash every woman with a fat ass and a little bit of cash. knowledge is free. I know quite a few lesbians with herpes. I also know one that has HIV/AIDS and contracted it from WOMAN. Thats right boys and girls, if you are a lesbian, you can still get HIV/AIDS. I'd rather slide down a razor blade sliding board than allow a woman i barely know that have no feelings for and I know she doesnt have feelings for me, into my bedroom. If ya didn't know, now ya do.

I think my toad (Mike Jones) is sick. I'm gone to do some research to see whats up with my baby. He doesnt look right. In a minute....peace and love....prolific.

a thousand suns.......i need to write. i havent sat down and wrote seriously in about 8 weeks. mainly because ive been in one of my moods. there are things going on around me that bother me everyday. im dealing with them the best way i know how.....i turn my back and close my eyes. when something is bothering me. i get hella antisocial and i dont want to be bothered. phone calls dont get returned and if i do talk on the phone, conversation is minimal. so if i havent called or IM’ed, dont take it personally. you would rather not talk to me right now. it seems like since i left school, phone calls from people that used to blow up my phone has come to an end. am i upset? nah....like i said before, i have no use for seasonal people. get on like ya been shit on. next...its weird how i used to write every time something was bothering me but things have changed a little. the words dance in my head but i dont write them down. ive been reading a lot lately thanks to graduation gifts from miss down down. homegirl sparked the return of the pen hittin the pad. thanks lil mama. anyway, i finally realize that my writing suffered because i wasnt reading like i used to. ive read 3 books in 2 weeks which is more than i have in a long, long time. i havent read like this since my first year of college. next....there is something about casual sex that is utterly disgusting to me. on the other hand, if i wait until i am in a relationship with someone that i love and i know loves me....i might not have sex for a very long. the last time i had sex was august 2004. sucks doesnt it? its not like i havent had opportunities to...i just havent done the damn thing. i dont need my life to be more complicated than what it is already. i wish miss “doesnt irritate cream to the point where she wants to shank her” would hurry up and whisper poetry in my ear...and not “wait til you see my strap”. smh...im sooooo tired of that song. whats so arousing about “wait til you see my dick. ima beat dat pussy up”? if a chick comes at me like that she is gettin shanked in the gut. next....one of my goals in life is to clean up my credit. ive seen first hand how if ya dont pay ya shit, ya wont have shit. i cant get high speed because of somebody else’s fuck up. since the bill was at this house, i cant do it. right now, there arent any words to describe how angry i am. my mother keeps sayin “well, you just have to deal with the slow one.” i have to deal with slow ass fuckin dial up because of YOUR ex’s bill. i shouldnt have to deal with it. all i gotta say is 6 muthafuckin months after get a job.....im out. i found out the electric bill has been in my name since i was 12. how the fuck can i have a damn electric bill if i dont have a fuckin job? *breathing...woooooo sahhhhhh* this is the most angry i have been since i was in school. some kinda way, ima have high speed in this bitch. somebody is gon do something dammit. the new layout is a work in progress.....i need high speed to upload it tho. im gon to take a walk. in a minute......peace and good credit......cream out.

queen me.........i have a fuggin cold. im fightin this shit with all my might. i dont know where the hell it came from but i wish it would go away. this shit sucks monkey’s balls. i have a snotty nose, a nasty cough, and headaches. praise the most high for aleve and nyquil tablets. next....my distain for my brother’s girlfriend has grown. dont get me wrong, she is an aight person but yo....she is the laziest chic. just because you have a job doesnt mean you can come home and lay around, eat, make messes, and sleep all damn day. fuck that shit. like i said before, they dont have maids in this bitch. today, she went to work for about 4 or 5 hours, came home, took a shower and changed clothes, and laid on the couch and slept for most of the day. that shit is not acceptable. fuck that. next...there is a little girl that lives down the street from us named mai. her mother doesnt keep her clean or her clothes clean. her hair is never combed. she is 3 years old and basically does what she wants to do. she runs up and down the street unattended. anyway, she comes over to play with my niece. now, my niece looks like a little prisspot all the time because my brother makes sure all of her clothes have matching shoes and accessories. she dresses like a little woman. mai came down here today with no shoes on. i asked her where her shoes were and she told me that she lost them. the shoes that i was referring to were a pair of imitation wallabies that are run down. i went into the house to see if i could find an old pair of my niece’s shoes because she has about 1232903980320 pairs of shoes. i find a pair of shoes and me and my niece walk to this house where mai was at. the damn house is a crack house. i want to drop kick her mother. anyway....i sat on the steps and put the shoes on her feet. mayn, mai was soooooo happy that she had a pair of shoes. she wanted to go with me and my niece but someone in that house was gonna do her hair so i told her she could come over later. well, later on i went to walmart and spent my last $2 on a pair of flip-flops for mai. there is no damn excuse why her mother cant buy her a pair of flip-flops and keep her clothes clean. none...whatsoever. its not like the bitch has a job. there i go gettin off topic again. i came home and put the flip-flops on mai’s feet and you woulda thought i had bought her some jordans. she said “they are sooooo pretty. now i can be pretty like her (she was pointing to my niece)”. that was my good deed for the day. i may be a mean ass at time but i have a good heart. next....i talked to ty again today. she told me that she and her girlfriend got into another physical fight. i keep tellin her and woo.....i wasnt fucked up enough for them. both of them like arguing and all that shit. im not the one for that shit. if ya want to argue and fight....im not the one for you. if i feel like i had to hit you to get my point across, we shouldnt be together. im leavin ya ass ASAP. i run from dysfunctional relationships like the plague. one was enough for me. ty told me that she still loves me. *LAUGHIN MY ASS OFF* that chic wouldnt know love if it punched her in the face and introduced itself. moving on.....there are 2 very different women wanting to be invited into my space. im not ready for a relationship right now. im takin this relationship thing a day at a time. ive been hurt too many times because i jumped into something that i shouldnt have known was gonna be fucked up. all the signs were there but i chose to ignore them. i let sweet words, good conversations, and a million empty promises cloud my vision. its gonna take a lot to woo me. its gonna take a lot to lock me down. i wont lower my standards for the sake of being in a relationship. fucka that. next....i havent talked to my good friend dubb in months. heffa is probably hibernating in her backyard. thank you for the cards lil daddy. now, call a chic. we have some work to do. *gettin out my corset, heels, short skirt, and berretta* next....i got my confirmation letter. basically, it says “yeah dammit, you really did graduate”. so, im all happy but i knew i graduated already. i feel sorry for those peeps that walked but really didnt graduate. well, im not one of them. now, i need a job. i applied for 2 social work positions but i need something now. i got things that i want, fuck that, i got shit that i need. im still focused on moving out this bitch. gettin my own apartment so i can walk around naked, burn nag champa incense, and have coltrane playing all day. damn, my brother’s girl gets on my nerves. *i had to say it again* next....my grandma is supposed to be gettin me cable internet. i know, i know.....im spoiled. i cant wait cuz this damn dial up shit is for the birds. i dont see how people do it. smh. when i get cable internet, ima change the layout. im tired of it being so damn dark. aight....im takin my ass to sleep. in a minute....peace and zakat.....cream out.

the eagle.......ive been antisocial as hell today. im in one of my moods i guess. actually, i know whats wrong with me. i feel fuggin out of place in this bitch. all my life i have felt like i was the oddball of my fam and really, i am. its like the stork dropped me with the wrong fuggin family. when i was in high school, i never thought that i would go to college. maybe the military, but not college. either way, i had to get the fuck away from here. ive never felt like i belong here and my fam doesnt make that seem untrue. it seems like everything i do is accepted, but frowned upon. it would be different if what i was doing was illegal or some shit. the fact that im legal as hell is the issue. smh. im just tired of feeling like being myself and feeling the way i do is fuggin wrong. thats why when i find a job, im moving into my own apartment in at least 6 months. i have to....for my own sanity. i refuse to feel the way i felt before i went to school. i refuse to let my mind go back to the way it was. i refuse to let this place turn me into the toxic being i was before i left. i refuse to let anybody in this bitch consume me. im comin in blastin muthafuckas. ya bedda duck. eagles soar alone. in a minute....makin peace with my steel.....cream out.

blahbread and gravy.......O.K.....I have graduated (most high willing) and now I am at home. before I began about home, lemme touch on my graduation. my mother and my father came. well, my sister, niece, step-mother, future sister in law, and my step mother’s grand daughter was there. it was actually kinda weird seeing my mother and my father in the same place at the same time. me and this boy...Ryan Robirds (I‘ll never forget his name)....talked through the whole ceremony. hell, we were bored out of our minds. when the lady called my name, i strolled across the stage. i could hear my momma’s mouth out of everybody that screamed my name. when i walked off the stage, my father was at the end. i hugged him and he took a damn picture of me. i’m tellin you, i hate taking pictures. i was tired, had bags under my eyes, and i was hot as all hell....i wasn’t in the mood for no damn pictures. when we got on the interstate, i got a tad bit pissed because none of the people that said they were coming, came. i was pissed for a couple of minutes and then i got over it. fuck it....but dammit i wont forget. trust and believe that shit. now, im at home and it has hit me that im not leaving in august. i feel somewhat stuck. i have to hurry up and find a job because my living situation isn’t gonna be cool for after a minute. my brother and his girlfriend are some lazy mofos. they act like they have maids. well uhhh...my name aint Florence muddasuckas and i’m not cleaning up after anybody but myself and my niece occasionally. They don’t clean anything but their asses. SMH. Another thing, I value my space. I like being by myself. I might have to get cable tv and cable internet in my room...then id only come out to use the bathroom. I have my mini fridge plugged up with snacks and drinks in it. That's another thing. They are some greedy mofos too. IN-CON-FUGGIN-SIDERATE. <----Need I say more?? Next.... I’ve gotten lonely a couple of times. I talk to Miss Down Down everyday. I talked to my buddy Nisha yesterday. Other than that, I haven't really talked to anybody. I guess since my location changed, people did too. Oh well. People that matter know how to find me. If you are one of the privileged people that have my number and haven't used it.... as of right now, don't use it. Put that in ya blunt and smoke it. I have no time for seasonal relationships. I'm a bit too grown for that shit. Oh...since I am talking about seasonal relationships.... lets get on these damn posers. I am so damn tired of people not being themselves around me. If you aint shit, don't act like you are about big things. If you haven't read a book in the past 5 years outside of magazines, don't act like you are an intellectual. If you are broke as hell, don't act like you can afford an escalade. If you are bisexual or confused, don't front like you are a lesbian. (that right there could get you shanked) if you just wanna fuck, don't act like you want a relationship. Just be up front and honest. Like my buddy Alia said “be naked around me”. Not literally you damn pervs. Well, a couple of yall could.... I’m jokin. Anyway, I'm tired of these women sayin “cream, your mind is so cool” “I love your mind” “I love how you think“, blah blah blahbread. Ok, ya think my mind is beautiful, thanks homegirl. What I don't get is, if it’s so damn beautiful, why the fuck do you attempt to play me? Like my mind isn't equipped to detect fuckin posers and bullshittas. Bitch please. I have a very sensitive bullshit meter on my cerebellum. Don't try to play me dammit, play lotto. Your chances of winning are better. The next chic that tries to run game is gonna get touched. Aight....thats enough for now. I’m finna clean my room. in a minute.....peace and steel.....cream out.

3 hours.....til i graduate. it still hasnt hit me yet. it looks like its gonna rain which would royally piss me off. i need to pack up my computer but i didnt want to until i updated my blog from the place that i started it from. my college years have been aight....i learned a lot. more about myself and life than academic stuff. i think it will really hit me that im a graduate when i leave my room. i hope everybody makes it here safely. i hope i dont fall and bust my butt when they call my name. i hope my momma doesnt scream too loud. i hope that my father comes like he said he was and i hope he and my mom can get along for the day. this has been my home for friggin eva. now, on to bigger and better things. the most high has a plan for me. anyway, i need to shower and get dressed before my fam comes. in a minute....peace and commencement...cream out.

im blastin: jay-z: heard of that
love venom.......so much to say. the past week has been hectic. after i took my statistics exam, i got a little teary eyed. my graduation depends on it. the exam was hard, as usual. the professor acted like it was easy as hell, as usual. it would be easy for her since she has her doctorate in behavioral statistics. ive been praying on it and most high willing, ill pass. i dont even want to think about that anymore....next. i went out tuesday night for my buddy laurice's birthday. she turned 21, so we went to applebees to get drinks. i was LIT. i had a mucho strawberry drink. all i know is it had cuervo in it. i wasnt drunk but i had a nice little buzz. then we went to the kappa sweetheart probate which was WACK as all hell. they are an social group, not a sorority. sad sad sad. its messed up that they are known for just sleeping with the kappas. smh. sheep are so damn sad. anyway, ames (amy) decided she wanted to go out to the afterparty at this club. so, i got all dolled up to go out. big mistake. first of all, there were nothing but fraggle lookin negroes and stank heffas in the club. i walked in and it seemed like the whole damn club turned around. i sat at the bar with laurice and ames...drank a couple of cosmos and watched the idiots make fools of themselves. yo...why in the peanut butter and jelly did this dude with golds all in his mouth sit beside me and stare like he wanted to say something. i looked at him and he smiled...i turned right back around. then, this old puerto rican dude tried to holla...yo, he has to be pushin 50. he came up talkin bout...come and dance with me. ummm...im not dancing because i do not want penis on my ass. all dudes wanna do is grind on ya booty and im not havin that crap. im not the one homeboy. when the whisper song came on, i got up and danced behind my bar stool. after the song was over, i sat my booty down and drank my drink. i didnt get home until around 3 or 4 and then i stayed up talkin to miss down down. for the past 2 weeks, we have gotten a lot closer. i dont know why but we have been talking a lot more....like a couple of times everyday. not that im complainin....thats my buddy. ive never met someone that was her age (ill keep it to myself for now) that has that much sense. she has more sense than the average 25 year old, which says a lot, trust. hopefully, she'll come see me sometime this summer. i still talk to india every now and then. honestly, its not like it used to be. i put my feelins in check and now im aight. i almost slipped and caught more than lust but less than love but i slapped the hell out of myself just in time. unless she fucks up, she'll always be my friend. she has shown me some things and not shown me some things that kinda bother me. i mean, if you like someone and you care about them, you show them. actions speak soooo much louder than words. its more about how you act than what you say. im done with the whole relationship thing until i find a woman that can offer me what i need in a relationship and i havent found that yet. so, im chillin...not lookin but not blind. ty called me today and i wasnt rude....for the second time. i dont despise her anymore but we will never be like we were. she laughed at me when i told her about what i had been doing. she always has thought i was an amusing chic....sometimes i am. i have a weird way of saying things. anyway, she told me about her girl and what she has been doing which basically boiled down to nothing. she has a lot of potential but she isnt using it. a mind is a terrible thing to waste homegirl. its like, she is a relationship chameleon. meaning, that she conforms to the behavior of the woman she is with. when we were together, she was working, going out occasionally, not gettin drunk, not smoking...basically, trying to progress...trying to get her own apartment, car, etc. now, she is working but she smokes weed, gets drunk to the point where she thought she had a drinking problem, and is basically just existing...not doing anything to further herself. like i said before, she lives in her girl's apartment and drives her girl's car. doesnt have a damn thing to show for herself. smh...damn shame. next...i still havent started packing. well, i packed a little bit but i have soooo much more to do. tomorrow im going to be runnin around all day. hopefully, ill get everything done by 6 pm so i can go eat sushi before i leave this city. i thought that i wouldnt be sad about leaving here but i am a little bit. this is where i blossomed into the woman that i am right now. this is the place where i was first independent. me and tia watched the sun set together in this room. i was made love to for the very first time, in this room. me and woo pulled the mattress on the floor and ate pizza together....i sat in front of the window while i was on the phone arguing with her MANY nights. jeanette picked me up for the first time in front of the statue in front of the library. i experienced my first real heartbreak here. i discovered that the chic that came here, wasnt really me and i stripped my soul to expose my true self.....here. so, yeah....there are a lot of memories besides academic related ones. ill be back.....one day. aight, thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and reflection....cream out.

miss cleo.......just a quick update before i continue to study for my statistics final. praise the most high for georgetown.edu...i wouldnt understand half of this stuff if it wasnt for their statistics website. on my study break, i read my horoscope for this week. lol...things that make you go hmmmm.
Mercury in Aries makes this a good time to talk about any changes you want to make at home with your family.aight...cuz im finna go home and change the game
As the Sun also squares Neptune, you also need to be careful if you're dating someone new, as they may not behave as you had hoped. How they appear and how they are may be two very different things. You may come to a profound realization Sunday, so take some time for deep thought. LMAOOOOOO....damn if that aint true.
aight back to studying homeboys and homegirls. pray for me. in a minute....peace and sun signs....cream out.

its me again
blastin: bran nubian- love me or leave me alone
my last post was crazy as hell....i know. i was angry but now im over it, somewhat. i have a lot on my plate...i graduate next week. its scary as hell. its come so fast. i havent had time to catch my breath. i always remember saying that i couldnt wait until i graduated but i never thought about what i would do after...well i guess i did....i had big dreams of being a DEA agent and then a lawyer and saving the world. lol. now, i just want a career in the criminal justice system, graduate from law school before im 30, and not live from paycheck to paycheck. graduating will give me a little bit more time to work on my writing. i am going to publish a couple of books. today, i went to the donning of the kente cloth ceremony. its a celebration for black graduates. mayn, i almost cried, i admit it. they called my name and as i was walking up to get my cloth and my award, it was like i was moving in slow motion. all i could think about was the time when i though id never go to college and all the people who told me that i wouldnt amount to shit. here i am graduating...muhfuckas. next....ive been hella anti-social for the past week. im PMS'n and i flipped on several people, ignored a couple more. next...i decided to call inayah today and to say the least, i got a bit pissed. she used to call me everyday, not that i expected her to, she just did. when she called, most of the time, i was either sleep, in class, or in court. i hadnt talked to her in about a week so i decided to call her. we didnt argue but there was tension there. there is no doubt that things have changed between us. maybe its my fault for being nonchalant about the situation. most of the time, im nonchalant about ANY situation. i mean, she is cool and before today, she had potential to be my woman...eventually. i have yet to meet a woman that makes me want to be in a relationship with her ASAP. like i said before, im not looking but im not blind either. im lettin things flow....everything in its time. i dont know if inayah and i will continue to be friends or if this will be the last conversation we ever have. either way, i learned from her and i hope she learned from me. now, on to india. we havent been talking as much as we used to. we both have a lot on our minds. it bothered me for a little while but like i always say....india is herself. ive met someone that is as moody and distant as i am at times. the only thing that bothers me is that i dont know what her intentions are. what the fuck does she want from me?? i cant ask her that because i dont know what i want from her. *sigh* anyway, im gonna go get some food and take a nap. in a minute......peace and power naps.....cream out

tempermental........my attitude is all fucked up and real shitty......i dont know if im just pms'n or if im just in one of my fucked up moods. anyway, take that shit as a warning. im even less tolerable of bullshit and more easily irritated than usual. come correct or get ya card pulled gatdammit. sooo, this post is not for the sensitive. anyway, plans changed....no visitors for cream. no doubt im disappointed....borderline pissed. i dont have shit to do this weekend because i planned on being chillin with her. i didnt know for a fact that she wasnt comin until the day before. i have a lightweight tude with her at this point. hell, i have a tude with the world at right now. cream is mad at the world bitches!!!!!!!

random thoughts and irritations:

1. being on fuckin hold. im impatient as hell and if i stay on hold for a while, i must really like you cuz i will hang up after 5 seconds if im on the phone with the average mofo. dont take advantage of that shit. appreciate the fact that i dig you enough to wait 10 seconds with yo ass. if ya gonna start a fuckin conversation, be considerate enough to click over and tell me you'll call me back. not clickin over pisses me off...thats incon-fuckin-siderate....smut.
2. why do people feel the need to knock on my door to tell me dumb shit or vent about their issues? if my door is closed, 10 times out of 10, i dont feel like being bothered. unless ya payin me $59.95, i dont wanna hear about ya fuckin problems. tell somebody who gives a fuck...mmkay?
3. these sororities tryin to recruit me. look dammit, i do not pay for friends. nor will i pay to be on a line for you to make me eat all kinds of weird shit, run, be referred to only as bitch, and basically have a bunch of no life havin cunts dictate my life for 3 months. i dont like sheep-like bitches under any circumstances. they have the nerve to say "yall hate us cuz yall aint us. we are the prettiest blah blah blah". yeah bitch, i hate the fact that you look like a bloated mud duck with your 24 inch yacky tracks showin....in a smedium pink and green jacket. most of yall are mugg as a bitch. the ones that are somewhat cute have dumpster juice attitudes. like i said....skee-wee on my dick, smut bitches. fuck you and your sorors...fuckin smut ass sheep. get an identity and a life. oh yeah, no thanks, ill pass on pledging.
4. dont do some fucked up shit and then act like ya didnt do anything. that is the quickest way to get cut. apologize and right ya wrongs...bitch. you will respect me in this bitch.
5. my computer is actin like a evil troll. if i didnt know i couldnt get another one, id riverdance all over this shit. i cussed my computer out 3 times yesterday. i was sooooo close to drop kickin it. i know ya thinkin....why cuss at it when it cant respond, doesnt hear you, etc? cuz its mine and i can verbally abuse it if i want dammit.
6. please, for your own sake, get my ass outta ya mouth. *throwin dirty tampons at shark bitches*
7. what the fuck is it doing snowing in april??? we couldnt get snow in the winter but it can snow in the spring. damn people fucked up the atmosphere now we cant tell one season from the next. smh.
8. i turned my phone off to keep from throwin it into the wall and then havin to pay $100 for it. wait til i turn it on...6 hours later. ill have 10 evil ass messages. "why ya got ya phone off???" cuz i didnt feel like being bothered bitch.
9. im soooo feelin this song. *blastin* i do know one thing tho...bitches they come, they go. i cant be ya wonder woman bitch. i think that will be my theme song for a while.
10. speaking of music...why in the hell am i feelin "holla back girl" by gwen stefani?? i find myself poppin my booty to this lame crap......this shit is bananas....b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
11. why are women so damn wack now? it seems like every chic that tries to holla, is a lame ass, ignorant, no ambition havin, smut. ima need yall to step ya game up and get ya shit together before you fix your mouth to say "can i get to know you better?". how bout hell no?
12. when is bilal gonna come out with another cd? "sometimes" is my shit!!!!
13. 2 weeks until i graduate and it still hasnt hit me yet.
14. i want to go eat sushi and drink merlot tonight. i didnt have to pay for the ingredients to a lasagna so its not like i dont have the money. nah, i shouldnt do that. being drunk and horny is not a good look right now.

thats enough for now dammit. i think i need to meditate or something. woooo sahhhhhh....peace and sayin what the fuck is on ya mind.....cream out.

no tears.......he called today....surprised the hell out of me. he usually does tho. its not often i hear from him. we, well...he talked for about 30 minutes. he said the usual, nothing but excuses. for the first time in my life, it didnt bother me. he didnt bother me. it was like, i was talking to a stranger. i loved him before i ever met him. to hear him speak is like hearing myself sometimes. we have the same "i dont give a fuck" attitude...his is aged and tired...you can tell its been around for a while. mine, young, fresh, and new...quick as a man fresh out of jail. there is not doubt that i love this man. i used to get teary eyed just thinking about how much i love him. i wanted to be with him, i wanted him to love me the way that i loved him. i wanted him to kiss my forehead and see the reflection of my smile in his. i hoped for so much at one point and time but that point and that time, isnt the present. im older, a little wiser, and that attitude of ours has gained more venom. when he told me he loved me today, i felt numb. like i said, there is no doubt that i love him but i have all the reason to believe that this relationship of ours is one sided. i used to wonder how you love someone but at the same time hurt them. in this situation, the hurt he used to inflict was a result of his upbringing. he doesnt know how to love because he has never been shown love. well, i take that back. he has been shown love but its so damn unfamiliar that he doesnt know how to react to it. maybe thats why it takes me cursing to get him to listen to me. i cant talk to him like a civilized adult because in reality, he's not a civilized adult. he may be an adult but he sure as hell isnt civilized. anyway, our conversation didnt hurt me but it did make me sit back and think. would i be the same if i had never met him?? probably not. he taught me a lot even tho he doesnt realize it yet. maybe one day we'll be able to sit down and converse without him getting angry or me walking away from the situation. who knows what may happen? all i know is, today, i conquered letting him move my emotions. he no longer has that power. ive realized that all i can do, is do me...the rest is up to him. in a minute...peace and dry eyes...cream out.

claritin induced ramblings.......its 3 am and since my eyes are aching because of my allergies, im awake. she is frequenting my mind, even tho im not pleased with her at the moment. i talked to my bestest friend nisha today and she was tellin me what happened when her, my ex, and my ex's new girl went to the club. to make a very long story short, my ex and her girl were arguing, ex gets out of the car and starts walking but her dumb ass is a longgggg way from her and her girl's apartment, yada, yada, yada. i almost felt bad for her....she works in the city her girl lives in and thats like 50 miles away. she lives with her girl. she doesnt have a car so her only means of transportation is her girl's car. so basically, she is stuck in a relationship that she isnt happy in. karma is a bitch huh? anyway, i was thinking about all of my past relationships and how all of them ended. not saying that i was totally innocent in every one but every last one of them ended because of something they did. true, i can be a meanypants occasionally and yes, i am moody as fuck, and yes....i dont take no shit...so i can see where things that i might have done or said slightly soured the relationships. this is the longest i have been single and it actually isnt that bad. im doing me....ive always seemed to be in a relationship. im not lonely more times than i am. my company kicks ass....more people should take time to just chill with yourself. devote the time and effort that you would have on a relationship, to yourself. gatdammit, you'll feel like a new person. im talking to new people, no strings attached...basically just out to enjoy myself. im not looking for anything but at the same time, im not blind. ya feel me? now, me and india....who knows what is gonna happen? she......smh.....she is herself, thats all i can say. im not gonna comment because i feel some kinda way right now. i feel like im gonna be single for a while unless someone shows me something beyond bullshit. show me ya soul ho!!!! lol...my buddy tee jaye got me endin every sentence with ho. its better than my usual baaatch ending. next...tomorrow, i dont have to go to my internship. praise moses. i have a lot to do. walmart to get some damn tissues for my drippy nose. sewing class so i can finish this damn button down. laundry because a person could camp out in the pile in my corner. clean this damn dusty ass room...i hate that fuckin steel mill across the street. some chic that likes me is supposed to be braiding my hair tonight. we'll see how that goes. she isnt bad looking but once again i say, im not looking for anyone. lmao....i got mike jones-like on ya ass. I SAID.....im not looking for anyone. oh yeah.....the new layout. it took me 3 hours, which is good considering the fact that it was totally different from my last layout. omahyra is lookin so damn sexy over to the left. i lick my lips everytime i see that pic (joke). fa real tho, she is sexy as hell. she could definitely get the business. speaking of the business....my horny streak has not stopped. im still a horny toad. i cant wait to release all this sexual frustration im havin. the next woman i am with is gonna get it. that wet spot is gonna be HUGE. im talkin bout...fuck sleepin, we gon have to strip the bed and wash the sheets type shit. aight, i feel myself rambling. im takin my swolled eyed, sneezin every 15 minutes, runny nosed havin ass to bed. in a minute....peace and benedryl....cream out.

unadulerated.....warning, this may be a long post. so, get a glass of kool-aid and something to snack on. hmmm...where to begin? my family. i got a phone call from my grandma earlier this week...before i could say hello, she was cursing. she only curses when someone REALLY pisses her off. so, im thinking "damn, what the hell did i do?" well, she was mad because my great aunt called her and asked her why she hadnt received a graduation invitation from me. well, them damn things are 7 for $80 or something like that so im not gonna worry about a damn invitation. you are lucky if you get a call from me. anyway, my grandma was flippin because this is the same aunt that told my grandma that i wouldnt graduate from high school and basically i wouldnt ever be about shit. well ladies and gents, im graduating from college, most high willing. put that in ya pipe and smoke it. my aunt went on to question if i was even graduating at all....like, me not sending invitations was a sign that im lying or some shit. believe what the fuck you want homegirl....you'll be one of the people that i dont call to invite. aint like i wanted you there anyway. in all honesty, i dont want to go but im being forced to go by my mother and grandmother. thats the least i can do since they kinda helped me get through this hell called college. back to my aunt...so, a couple of days goes by. she sees a man that she went to high school with and the man says, your niece's husband works for me. that niece he was referring to is my mother and of course the man is my father. *sigh* so, my aunt decided to call my father and announce that i was graduating and all that shit. now...wasnt this the same chic that questioned if i was graduating or not??? uhh huh...thats what i thought. anyway, she talks to my father and then calls my grandma to tell her what she did. my grandma calls my mother and then...my mother calls my father. now, keep in mind that i havent decided if im going to tell him im graduating because im not sure if i want him there. his ass hasnt called me in about 2 months and like i said before, im not calling him first anymore. fuck that. my mother tells him that im graduating and asks him if he wants to go. uhhh...who said that i wanted him there in the first place??? so, when my mother calls me and tells me the whole situation, im heated. im a grown ass womyn and i can make my own decisions. i dont need anybody inviting anybody or trying to make plans for me. leave me the fuck alone. so, as of right now, my father still hasnt called and i still havent decided if im going to invite him. i know if he came then his mother would too and yo, not to be funny but uhhh...i dont like her and she doesnt like me. i dont want her at my graduation. i havent talked to that woman in 6 years. nor has she ever asked about me or anything. to her, i dont exist. so, fuck her with an anthrax soaked tampon. this graduation thing is so damn stressful yo. ill be so damn happy when this shit is over. i took my statistics test and i was confident until i saw that shit. it was like, damn, she told us to study this shit and none of what she told us to study is on this test. everybody did bad...which didnt make me feel any better but it didnt make me feel really bad....hell, that shows im not the only one that doesnt understand her ass. i dont know what she is gonna do as far as the test...all i know is i better pass gatdammit. its so much more at stake than me graduating. my brother called me this afternoon to say that he flipped on my mother's ex. smh. i knew it would happen eventually. i calmed him down and hopefully, this is the end of his anger. i said...hopefully. i feel like i have to go home because my family needs me. im the glue that holds us together. now, i know how my grandfather must have felt. on to more cheery things......im soooooo sexually frustrated yo. lmao....thats not too cheery huh? sex is on my brain something nasssty. *sigh* its been bad since friday. nothing happened to trigger it, i just woke up like "hmmmm....i wanna do the oochie". me and india (the chic ive been talkin to) have been talking a lot more. we arent together but its almost like we are. we talk every day and if we dont, one of us has a damn attitude. im still kinda talkin to inayah. she has been real distant for the past 2 months. im going through so much in my life that i dont want to add any more complications to her life. there are other things that are keepin me from letting down my guard. her and india are totally different. i mean, like night and day. right now, im just chillin. one day ill be in a relationship but i dont see that happening anytime soon. im not ready and i know that no one else is ready for me. i need to breathe. in a minute...peace....cream is the opposite of in.

cosa nostra.....she and i just got off the phone. words spoken, taken literally, their meaning left unheard. voices were raised a few octaves...arguing as if there was not a she and i but a we....as if her intentions were more than friendship with a couple of bedroom benefits. as if i could put a title on what she and i are or will be. in the midst of the ebbing and flowing of sharp words....tempers were inflamed and tongues were bit. blood fell from my lips leavin a bitter taste and a nice stain on this...thing...this cocktail of friendship and lust...our very own cosa nostra. i was angry when i wrote that....took me less than 10 minutes. anyway, i dont know what will happen between us because tension is gettin high...high like crackheads on weekend. i dig her a lot, maybe more than i should, but right now, im just tryin to enjoy myself and i know that she is too. she doesnt have to tell me that she sees other people or that she has been intimate with someone else because in my heart, i know. ask my exes...they'll tell you im like miss cleo when it comes to stuff like that. i know when something isnt quite right. ive sat down and thought long and hard about this situation and my conclusion is...what makes me feel good is most important right now...whether that is finding a job so i can start my career, splurging on some new sandals to show off my pedicure, or being intimate with her. whatever happens, happens. why stress it? im just making sure my feelings dont get involved. im only responsible for my feelings. next...i talked to both of the exes that i converse with today. i actually missed both of them....not in a relationship type way tho. they are the people that know me best and i love them for that. they taught me a lot. both told me that at one time, they wanted to get back with me. flattering....but its not gonna happen. getting back with either one would be counterproductive. i rode both of those horses before and got bucked off....im not gonna be a fool and get back on either of them again. fucka that. next....im beginning to see things in a different light. its like something just clicked in my head and said..."have fun, enjoy life" and thats what im striving to do everyday. hell, im 24 years old and i never dreamed that i would be where i am right now. ive been on this earth 24 years and there is so much i want to see and do. who knows when the most high will take me from this earth....until it happens im going to enjoy myself and live as freely as i can. next...i finally told the girl down the hall that im a lesbian. i dont know how she didnt know but uhhh....she didnt. now, she is givin me the eye and shit but she has a girlfriend. now...she could get the bizness if she didnt have a girlfriend. cream is not a homewrecker. anywhoo....thats enough. im going to watch the l word. in a minute....peace and doin me....cream out.



Shane - You're fun and exciting; but a little
distant. You never get too connected wherever
you go; but you are able to let your friends
know that they are important to you without
tying yourself down. Truth is you're afraid to
get too attached because when it comes to love
who knows what will happen; don't be so afraid.
Other than that everythings cool; you do things
your own way and encourage people to do things
their own way too.


Which L Word Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

the people's champ......well hellerrrr....its been a long time and yo....the break was needed. before i begin my rants, i created a new forum. the other host was all screwed up so i decided to change hosts and start from scratch. my forum is open to anyone with an open mind and intelligence....so, join and post up. anywhoo, my spring break was aight. i chilled with my niece a lot. to see her runnin out of my brother's car screamin "AUNTIEEEEEEEEEE" was the highlight of my trip. its amazing how children love unconditionally......they love you beyond the bullshit. i want to protect her from all the evils of the world but i know i cant. im just going to make sure that she has a better childhood than i had and feed her brain as much as possible. she wants to know about everything. i was laying on the couch and she was sittin on my back playing with my fro while i was reading "the little red hen" to her. she told me that she wants to go to school so she can be smart like me. lmao. i promised her that i would teach her everything i know, plus pay for her to go to school like me when she gets older. the child is so damn intelligent yo. she's started writing the alphabet and she is only 3. i refuse to let her mother's chickenhead, project, hoodrat mentality rub off on her. i know that sounds cold but yo...its the truth. my niece has 4 cousins on her mother's side and they are all bi-racial. she told me that they told her she was ugly because she has "nappy" hair. she went on to tell me that her mother said if she called my mother "momma" that her mother would get one of her cousins and my niece wouldnt be her baby anymore. yall...i flipped the fuck out. first of all, i know i cant blame the children for what they said. they are all under 8 years old so that opinion of "nappy hair is bad" has been put in their heads. BUT...its up to my niece's mother to correct that shit. i refuse to let my niece believe that she is inferior just because she doesnt have straight, european hair. fuck that. i sat down with her and told her that her hair is beautiful and so is she. me having natural hair myself helped a lot. she always is messing with my hair and tellin me how pretty it is. well, her hair is the same texture as mine. i told her to tell her cousins to kick rocks. as far as the comment that her mother made about calling my mother "momma".....smh. a dog gives birth but that doesnt make her a momma. she stood in front of me when she was 8 months pregnant talking about how she didnt want to have a baby and she wanted to get an abortion. she is an immature, inane, extraneous, and in the words of my buddy alia, a ho ass smitch. fuck her and her life....my niece would be better off without her. she is the prime example of a deadbeat mother. enough about that, me and my fam had a lot of fun. i love my fam and i know they love me. i went to see my brother's best friend in jail and i had tears in my eyes. i never thought that i would see him on the other side of that glass. i never thought that he would do the things he did. he and my brother have been friends since they were in the 1st grade. i remember that boy was over our house all the time and always had a damn basketball in his hands. i thought he end up being an pro athlete because his game was tight as hell. i dont know where shit went wrong. the situation is sorta like my ex's situation. they both had the potential to be great athletes and productive people but something went wrong. they both got caught up in "the fast life", as old people say. anyway, i was telling him what he needed to do as far as his lawyer and all that...all the while, tryin not to cry (i'ma sensitive mofo). my mother said that he wrote me a letter so this weekend i have to write him back. in the letter, he said that my family is the only family that he has ever known and we've done more for him than his blood relatives. smh. looking in his eyes when i went to visit him showed me that shit isnt good with him. his mouth says one thing but his eyes say something totally different. he's like my little brother and i want to make sure that he doesnt hurt himself while he is locked up. next....my view of this whole life thing has changed slightly. im a lot less uptight than i used to be. no need in gettin stressed about things that you cant change. im here to enjoy myself. of course ill experience pain, but it wont be because im purposely puttin myself in that position. meaning, if something makes me unhappy, then im out. im all for my own happiness right now. i dont have time to be all sad and shit. i have a life to live. the most high put me here for a reason and i refuse to waste this opportunity called life. speaking of the most high, i went to church while i was home. *GASP* lmao. i know...i dont seem like the type to go but for some reason, i went. the sermon was something that i needed to hear. "exceeding expectations"....there are some people in life that expect you to fail, they want you to fail. with faith in the most high and the same amount of effort, you can exceed expectations. thats the cliff notes version. anyway, this entry is rather lengthy so ima end it now. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

hmmmm....im workin on my new entry. should be up tomorrow.


F:

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Planet: Mars Hair
Color: Red Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
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daydreamin.....my weekend has been uneventful as usual. im starting to get out of my lazy phase. laziness gets you nothing. so, i got up and cleaned my room. hell, thats a start. i deep conditioned my hair because it needed it, BAD. as my hair has gotten longer, its gotten more curly. after i wash it, my hair looks like a mini version of kelis' hair. cant wait for it to grow long enough to wear it in a big ponytail. everything in its time tho. next...in my pursuit of living the life i want to live, i have lost focus in some of the things that used to move me. i used to read all the time. i need some new books to read. im so busy reading stuff for school or running around trying to prepare for graduation, that i dont really read anything except on the internet. i used to write all the time. yall already know im in a period of not being inspired and feeling unexpressed at times. its like the words are there, they form bits and pieces of poems, and when i go to write, they vanish into thin air. again, everything in its time. next...in the last post, i was talking about a certain someone that i was daydreaming about being intimate with. the daydreams havent stopped....but now, im actually thinking about what they mean besides the fact that im sexually frustrated and therefore, a horny toad. *ahem* i cant allow someone to caress my body and taste my essence without some kind of overstanding. i need so much more than physical contact with a woman. hell, i got 5 fingers and an imagination if i just wanted a nut. the next time i am intimate with a woman, i want our souls to kiss. i want something so miraculous and so beautiful that it erases all the wrong and all the hurt that ive ever experienced....even if its just for that moment. i want it to sooth the ache, thats all. oh yeah, and i dont want it to add to the fucked up experiences ive had. *shaking my head* im so tired of dishonesty and disloyalty. im tired of being in unfulfilling relationships. only i complete me...but i would love to have a beautiful accessory. *let than marinate for a few* back to the woman im daydreaming about, unless she shows me something more than what she's shown me thus far, intimacy between us will stay in my daydreams. she has shown me a lot about herself but i dont know what her intentions are. of course nobody's intends to hurt someone (unless they are a sick, diabolical mofo) but that doesnt stop me from thinking about what she wants from me. i have to protect my heart and my feelings because like i said earlier, im tired of the dumb shit. what happens between me and her remains to be seen. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

the dot on the i......hmmmm....is it wrong to think about what her skin feels like or how she tastes? or how her kisses would feel on my neck or how her hands would feel on my thighs or how her poetry would sound in my ears while she is laying next to me playing in my fro. conversations with her are easy but letting down my guard and my inhibitions is hard. the fact is, im not into casual sex or flings. when i have sex i want it to be a symbol of the love that we share for each other. not two people gettin their nuts with no feelings involved. for some people its cool, but for cream, its soooo not cool. now, i dont think its wrong to think about being intimate with her. there's nothing wrong with thoughts, as long as they dont become actions. im not gonna lie yo....thoughts of her...and me...hot...sticky...covered in honey...and...ooohhhhhh shit. *fannin myself* *ahem*...sometimes, i wish that i could have casual sex...maybe i wouldnt be so damn sexually frustrated. my body needs to be touched with hands other than my own...but i know that after it was all over and we are layin there sweaty and out of breath in a big ass wet spot......id feel fucked up. honestly, the topic of a relationship more than friendship hasnt really been discussed....why? i have no idea. i know when i talk about other women her tone changes...she tries to act like she isnt phased and i know better. as far as the other chics ive been talking to...some are still around, strictly on a friendship level. im just not feelin anybody. no one has really held my attention for a long time. either they are crazy as all hell, confused, immature, remedial as in "the little bus", or they just get on my damn nerves. i used to think i was being hard on them, like i was being too selective. hell, i know what i like and what i can deal with and most of these chics aint eeeeeeeeeeven up to par. i know that sounds conceited but if i dont think im a queen and im worthy of nothing less than a queen, all im going to get is cluckheads. real recognizes real....trust and believe it. there is one young lady that i dig a lil sumthin...but i dont know how in the hell it would work anytime soon. she is int he process of gettin her shit together. im not going to interrupt her process. only time will tell what happens between me and her. next...insomnia is kickin my ass....along with my new found laziness. i havent felt like doing SHIT that isnt beneficial to me. smh...maybe thats a good thing. next...right now, i have sushi on the brain. i ate sushi last friday and dammit...im cravin more. tuna rolls and wasabi is the bomb. it makes my mouth happy. the only thing is....it makes me more of a hornball than i already am. *sighhhh* ok...ima attempt to go to sleep now. in a minute....peace and sexiness....cream out.