a dream deferred........its 5 am and i cant sleep. usually, i would be in my bed, snoring, drooling, and dreaming about airplanes crashing or me accepting an award in front of thousands of people....but this morning, i am wide awake. when something happens, im one of those people who doesnt “feel” it until a couple of weeks later. i try to push things in the back of my mind because i dont want to be depressed.....hell, who does? i try not to think about anything bad because i know it will consume my mind and stress me the fuck out. that being said, something happened about 2 weeks ago that i havent talked about nor wanted to talk about....one of those things that i pushed in the back of my mind hoping it would just go away. a couple of weeks ago, i took a polygraph for the police department. i was told the reason why i had to take it in the first place was because there were “questionable” people in my immediate family that threw up red flags. i wasnt “questionable” but my fam was. my record is clean....so is my piss. hell, you can do a spinal tap and take some of my hair....i dont partake in any drugs except the occasional glass of wine when i can afford a bottle. to make the long story short, i failed a couple of questions on the test.....the questions that i had actually told the truth on. i was truthful will every question....no i dont take any drugs, including pills that arent prescribed to me, no i havent stolen anything over $25, no i havent done anything illegal except for download music, no, no , no. the test was tryin to detect lies in me but instead lied. the only reason why i had to take the damn test was because of “questionable” people in my fam. i cant help that im the only legal one in my fam. its like im guilty by relation. when i graduated, i thought i would come back here, get a job with the police department or become a police officer eventually and now, that thought has been river danced on, a-town stomped, spit on, and left to die. this basically means that i cant become a police officer because u have to pass a polygraph and well....i cant. i feel like i went through college for absolutely nothing. i have a degree thats sittin in an envelope, inside another envelope, that i cant even use. i worked my ass off for something that is basically useless to me. im over $50,000 in debt for what.....a fucked up job at a bank that i could have gotten even if i didnt have my degree. all because, i have “questionable” people in my fam. i cant control what they do....i thought controlling what i did was most important. i guess not. so my question now is, now what? where in the hell do i go from here? i know i have to keep moving forward, keep believing that there is something out there for me....something much bigger than this. this cant be my life. maybe im not meant for the whole legal atmosphere....but gat dammit thats what i went to school for, studied my ass off, made sure that i didnt get into any trouble for, and now ladies and gents.....what the fuck do i do with it? if that damn piece of paper didnt cost me over $50,000, i would rip it up and piss on it cuz its useless to me at this point. in 3 hours, i have to go to a job that i hate to earn just enough money to pay my rent and my bankruptcy lawyer. *sigh* like i said, this cant be my life. i know that im destined for something much bigger than this shit. hmm....and people wonder why im so damn angry. in a minute....peace and a focused mind......cream out.