independence my ass.....its been a while, i know. i havent had the urge to write online. a whole lot of nothing has been going on with me so i didnt want to bore peeps with my ramblings. well, things have been going on....but ill get to that in a few. damn, where to begin? ok...my 4th. we cooked so much damn food....nah nah nah, lemme rephrase that....i cooked so much damn food. i barely ate because being around all that food ruined my appetite. i did partake in some pineapples soaked in gin and 99 bananas. i played bartender while everyone was laughin, jokin, and drinkin. overall, the cookout was good. being the anti-social being that i am, i wasnt feelin all those people. my brother’s girlfriend didnt really irritate me for once. the little kids running around screamin and fightin over toys that didnt belong to them in the first place didnt irritate me either. i was just chill. i had to be my brother’s nurse when he got so damn drunk that he got sick. i told his ass that he couldnt take all that liquor but he didnt listen. i cleaned up his puke (yeah, i know ima good sister), washed his clothes that he got puke on, and put his ass to bed. his girlfriend kept askin him was ok but no time did that smut pick up a towel or a rag to clean up some puke. *sigh* next....i talked to one of my exes a couple of days ago. i just asked how was your 4th....just being nice since i called most of my peeps to see what they were up to. she acted shady as fuck on the phone. it was like, since she had company, this broad was actin like i was just some random chic. i promptly slapped her ass with the dial tone. it will be a while before i call her again. dont act brand new because you have your “friend” over. im tellin yall, i cant stand people who act brand new because they have something new in their lives, whether it be a special someone or something materialistic. get some self esteem and stop depending on someone or something to make you “shine”...fuck you very much. next.....my living situation is gettin worse. me and my brother got into an argument this morning. we havent argued since we were little. ive just had enough. i couldnt hold it in anymore. it hurt me to hear him basically say fuck you, ima make as much noise as i want because i have a job and you dont. im tired of being woke up at the butt crack of dawn on the weekends. people are being in-con-fuggin-siderate. not people, my brother and his girlfriend. especially his stupid ass girlfriend. her voice carries. his laugh is loud as hell. im just tired yo. tired, tired, tired. i have a very hard time sleeping. i have dark circles around my eyes to prove it. when somebody wakes me up, im up. there is no going back to sleep for me. im considerate of the fact that my brother and his girlfriend work so i make sure i turn my music down and im not loud when i know they are going to bed. i overstand the fact that i dont work but im trying my damnest to work. ive applied 30 damn places yo. its not like i havent been trying. i need a job so i can get the fuck away from here. ive sat on the porch a couple of times and wondered why i came back to a place that makes me so unhappy. roanoke has so many memories that id rather not remember. my ex-boyfriend came to the cookout, uninvited of course. this is the same ex that beat my ass almost on a daily basis from ages of 13-17. i was hella uncomfortable...hell, uncomfortable is putting it mildly. if i wasnt here, i wouldnt have to deal with it. well, yes i would but he wouldnt be in front of my face. i love my family but i need my own space. i could have easily went to grad school in west va and never came back here. i could have had my own apartment, a graduate assistantship that gave me free tuition plus a stipend, and accepted a job with the court. nah, i had to come back here. i know there is some damn reason why im here. i dont know it yet but there is some reason why im here and i didnt stay in west virginia. the longer i stay here, unemployed and restless, the more frustrated and pessimistic i get. i need to get away from here. in a minute....peace and independence.....cream out.