no tears.......he called today....surprised the hell out of me. he usually does tho. its not often i hear from him. we, well...he talked for about 30 minutes. he said the usual, nothing but excuses. for the first time in my life, it didnt bother me. he didnt bother me. it was like, i was talking to a stranger. i loved him before i ever met him. to hear him speak is like hearing myself sometimes. we have the same "i dont give a fuck" attitude...his is aged and tired...you can tell its been around for a while. mine, young, fresh, and new...quick as a man fresh out of jail. there is not doubt that i love this man. i used to get teary eyed just thinking about how much i love him. i wanted to be with him, i wanted him to love me the way that i loved him. i wanted him to kiss my forehead and see the reflection of my smile in his. i hoped for so much at one point and time but that point and that time, isnt the present. im older, a little wiser, and that attitude of ours has gained more venom. when he told me he loved me today, i felt numb. like i said, there is no doubt that i love him but i have all the reason to believe that this relationship of ours is one sided. i used to wonder how you love someone but at the same time hurt them. in this situation, the hurt he used to inflict was a result of his upbringing. he doesnt know how to love because he has never been shown love. well, i take that back. he has been shown love but its so damn unfamiliar that he doesnt know how to react to it. maybe thats why it takes me cursing to get him to listen to me. i cant talk to him like a civilized adult because in reality, he's not a civilized adult. he may be an adult but he sure as hell isnt civilized. anyway, our conversation didnt hurt me but it did make me sit back and think. would i be the same if i had never met him?? probably not. he taught me a lot even tho he doesnt realize it yet. maybe one day we'll be able to sit down and converse without him getting angry or me walking away from the situation. who knows what may happen? all i know is, today, i conquered letting him move my emotions. he no longer has that power. ive realized that all i can do, is do me...the rest is up to him. in a minute...peace and dry eyes...cream out.