thoughts.......like i said, i know it has been a while since i posted. i have been writing in my journal a lot...when i have time. it seems like time is passing by so fast...i can barely keep up. its hard to do the things you want to do in the time alloted. its like, i have so many goals and aspirations but no time. i dont sleep very much (my friends would say otherwise) because i am either at work or in class or studying. i realized about a year ago that college isnt for me right now but yet, im still here. im still here struggling to make passing grades in classes that really dont interest me. what am i here for? i am here because i know that without that damn piece of paper i might not have a chance to do anything else. that piece of paper will open some doors that would be closed to me if i didnt have it. i plan to move to connecticut when i graduate and the job market is competitive as hell there. so, da kid has to do what she has to do. come hell or high water, i am getting my degree. after i graduate and get a job, i will start doing me. i will start studying the things i want to study. i will start my design business. i will drink wine in paris and watch the hours go by on big ben in london. i will finally live. next...i bought a bottle of ellen tracy perfume today. it smells soooo good. i am so proud of myself.......i finally bought something for myself. im always buying for other people, putting myself second, third, sometimes fourth. today, i was first. well, i got my niece's christmas stuff out of layaway but thats it. shit, i work 5 days a week, i deserve to splurge on myself. next...exams start tomorrow. im a little worried but fuck it. either i know it or i dont. ill study and do my best. ok....im getting a headache. ill holla lata. in a minute....peace...cream out.

heartburn..........its been a while, i know. between writing my theory paper and work, i havent had time to do anything. thanksgiving was cool....ate some chitlins, spent time with my fam...blah blah blah. to the present.....she just left.....stopped to see me on her way to memphis. last night was....real. after we made love and she fell asleep, i layed my head on her thigh and cried. i know she didnt hear me because after driving for over 12 hours and 2 orgasms, she was knocked out. it felt so good to be near her....even if it was just for one night. right now im crying...its so hard to see her leave me. we promised each other that we wouldnt let another 5 months go by without seeing each other. hopefully, we will see each other in january. im going to start planning it early....like right now. in a minute....peace....cream out.

on the road again.........i go home today. my brother and his friend are picking me up. usually i would be excited to go home but i have a paper to write once i get there. every morning when i get up, im going to work on it. when i finally finish that paper i am going to reward myself with a bottle of coconut rum. other than write my paper, i plan on chillin with my mom, taking some pictures, and doing a little shopping. da kid is in desperate need of clothes. i have a bunch of dress clothes for work but i dont have any casual clothes. it sucks. i want to dress more ladylike without being prissy. anyway, i am anxious to see my niece. that is my little munchkin. she is so damn smart. i dont want to see anyone i graduated with or i associated with when i was in high school. i dont like talking to them....you werent all friendly and shit in high school and the only reason why you are talking to me is because you are a nosey muhfucca so save me and you some time and dont speak to me at all. keep it movin. next.....work. i walked to work this morning and walked home this afternoon. it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. it was a 15 minute walk. i needed the walk...it gave me some time to think. im gettin a tad bit irritated with my job. it is one of the most unorganized businesses i have ever seen before. the schedule changes every day it seems like. they still have me down for the wrong damn hours after i have changed it twice. so, i say fuck it, ill come in at the time i said i would and i dare a mofo to say something. i have to check 4 or 5 times to make sure my time off request was seen and approved. damn shame yo. i was looking around yesterday....there isnt a black supervisor in my department. hmmm. i really dont feel like i will be there for too much longer. i enjoy the job but the work environment is fucked up. sometimes, i get tired of getting screamed at or people saying they want to speak to my supervisor and the supervisor tells them the same thing that i told them...dumbasses. last night, a lady called that was friggin nutty. she was screaming at me because she was charged 9.95 and she cancelled her internet service....i had to turn the volume down on the phone and i asked her to stop yelling at me. she got this sarcastic tone with her....yo....i wish i could have cursed her out. i would have said "bitch, calm ya nerves so i can help your ass....yellin at me like you are insane is not going to help me help you...yelling at me will only make me put you on hold and so you can listen to the elevator music until the cows come home." i kept her on hold for about 10 minutes....i went to pee, washed my hands, got some water, and then came back to my phone. i know i know...that was mean but damn, she was an evil bitch. today, a man started cursing at me. i put him on mute and laughed for about 2 minutes. he accepted a free month of the service and didnt call back before his next billing date so he got billed. ok...ima tell yall some good shit. for all the dial up folks, when you call to cancel and they offer you free months...cancel the fuckin account if you really dont want it. if you dont call back by the next billing date (after the free month/s), you will be billed again. the account is still open when you accept those free months. its fucked up, but true. aint nothing damn free so save yourself some time and cancel the service. *gettin off of my soapbox* next...i finally told her how i felt this summer. well, its not like i didnt tell her...i just didnt tell her the whole thing. i mean, this summer was a hell of an experience. i learned a lot about myself and a lot about her. i cried when i told her because i have held it in for so damn long. she said she didnt know that she hurt me so much. im not going to get into details about the situation but i will say that she hurt me this summer.....she seriously hurt me. i would have liked to sit down and tell her how i felt face to face but we are a million miles away it seems like. i want to see her again but my money isnt looking right at all. she isnt going to come see me and my money is funny so i dont know when the next time i will see her. i hope its soon because a visit is long overdue. aight, thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace, chitlins, and greens.....cream da southern gul....out.

stripped......i have no appetite. the smell of food is making me sick. i know i sound like a pregnant womyn but uhhh....hell no. i have so much on my mind that food is the last thing i want. i was sick last week...i dont know where i got the damn cold from but damn the person for giving me their germs. i usually dont get sick. well, its gone now. i fought it off like a champ. next....i couldnt sleep last night...i tossed and turned...i finally decided to turn on the tv. i accidently pushed 4 instead of pushing 43 and there was a preacher on. so, i watched it. now, im not one to watch religious television...i havent been to church in about a year and a half either. the sermon was about looking back at your past and how looking back makes you lose focus on whats in front of you. i have been looking back on my past for so long that i have almost completely lost focus of whats in front of me. ive been so consumed with bullshit that happened to me that i am preventing myself from prospering....from living. after the preacher went off, anger filled my body. but, for what? its my fault that i did what i did but then i thought...dammit cream, you are doing the shit again. so, i got up and wrote everything i was feeling at the time, which turned out to be 8 pages of tear stained words and the deepest shit i have wrote in a long time. now that i have gotten it out, im going to look forward. looking backward did nothing for me but put crooks in my neck and locks on my brain. next...i really dont know how well i will do this semester...im working on my theory paper...praying to the most high that i pass it. as far as my other classes, i really havent cared this semester. so, whatever my grades are, i have to deal with it. im going to deal with the mess i made this semester and move on to the spring semester. no sense in looking back...its not going to change what has already happened. next...its time to cut my grass again. i have this feeling that there are a couple of snakes out there. aight...thats enough for now.....i gotta go to the bank. oh...before i forget. my tagboard is down soooo, leave your comments in the comments link at the end of each post. i want to know whats on your mind. ok...that being said....in a minute....peace and serenity....cream out.

10 minutes.......i have 10 minutes until i leave for work but i feel like writing so dammit thats what im going to do. lately, i havent had much motivation to do anything but work....and i feel the motivation for my job plummeting. thats another story tho. school is so damn important but i admit that i havent given my all this semester. i have given about 45%. im just not interested anymore. it took me 4 years to find out what i want to do and it has nothing to do with my major. my degree will be something to fall back on just in case things dont work out with all my other interests. just in case yall dont know, i want to start a couple of businesses and publish a couple of books. i also want to learn how to build a computer. <----that will be accomplished next semester. i dig computers almost as much as i dig writing....almost. oh well, i have to get on the grind for the remainder of this semester because i damn sure dont want to stay in this bitch for another year. hell to da nah...my sanity couldnt take that. aight....ill holla lata...gotta go to work...in a minute...peace and tranquility...cream out.

infinite possibilities.......like the new layout??? i was tired of seeing the other one. im working on another one just in case i get tired of this one. i was inspired by some black and white photography that i was looking at. the womyn at the top is n'dambi....one of my favorite singers. if you dont have any of her music...you are missing some good shit. her cd is worth every dime you pay for it. next....my trip home was cool...short but cool. my niece is so damn smart yo. when we pulled up, she ran up to me and grabbed one of my legs. she fell asleep on my breasts and i feel asleep too. me and my mother sat on the porch and looked at the eclipse. it was beautiful but scary at the same time. it felt good to be home. im looking forward to thanksgiving. when i got back here, i slept sooo good. that was the best sleep i have had in a while. next...i registered for my classes last night. i have a bunch of crap basically because they arent offering anything good next semester. the only thing that i am excited about is my computer repair class. i decided to take it as one of the 3 electives that i have to take before i graduate. the only issue is, it is off campus. so, im going to have to find a way there and back. over thanksgiving or christmas break, im going to get my license. the car will come soon after that. i am so tired of depending on people. i just want to get in my car, put 2 fingers in the air, and go. i want to go so many places and do so many things and the only thing that is stopping me is transportation. i got some things on my mind....ill holla lata...in a minute...peace....cream out.

on the road again........i have my bags pack and im ready to go. as soon as i got up, i raised my binds to see how the sky looked. it is soooo damn sunny outside and we havent had a sunny day in a week. i praise the most high for making this trip possible. he/she thinks i need it right now....i always wanted to go home but was never able to. i can hear my great-grandma in my head "baby, god doesnt give you what you want, he gives you what you need." its funny how i can still hear my great-grandma, great-aunts, and my grandfather in my head. i think they are my guardian angels....they whisper things in my ear that i need to hear at the time. ok, im getting teary eyed. next...i didnt go to sleep until 2:30 am. i was up worried...the kind of worried that has you pacing the floor or drumming your fingertips. i know she is a grown as woman....but she doesnt have a cell phone and she hadnt called me. she said she would call me and she didnt. i got a phone call from her when she got home and i had an attitude...damn right i had an attitude. i couldnt sleep because i was worried about her......*what if something happened to her while she was driving?, what if something happened to her while she was in ny?, why hasnt she called me yet....she would have called me if she was aight* i was also salty about the fact that we hadnt had a convo....i talked to her for a minute at work and we talked for a minute online. i usually dont get to talk to her until i get home from work....since it was my day off, i figured we would talk a little more than usual. you know what they say about assumptions right? we just got off of the phone.....her with an attitude. im gettin ready to hit the highway.....the beef is deaded on my end. i dont like going to sleep or on a trip angry. next.....i cant wait to see my niece...i talked to her last night and she told me she wanted some candy. so, before we leave im going to get her a big bag of candy. i spoil that child like she is my own. when i look at her, i see me when i was her age. the only differences are, from what i hear are, i didnt like candy, i was lighter, and i didnt have my father. she makes me want to have a baby one day. me and diallo were supposed to go to marshall's last night but he had some things to do. no issue.....im still going to see my momma. well, i need to get in the shower and get dressed before diallo calls so....in a minute....peace and tranquility....cream out.

more and more........this week has been cool, so far. i havent really done too much except go to work and go to class. thats all my life consists of recently. i have started writing in my journal again, so my writing hiatus is over. nothing big...yet. im still getting back to writing and most of what i have written, has lacked flavor. im trying to get back to chicken covered with texas pete. right now, im plain grits. no flavor, bland as hell. i have a long way to go, but ill get back and then beyond, trust. next....i finally got my n'dambi cd. yo...i have wanted that cd for a year now and i finally got it. i got new speakers for my comp too....her voice sounds soooo good. my old speakers didnt do her music justice. ive been listening to n'dambi and lady day all night. im experiencing insomnia...im not stressed, i just have a lot of thoughts. something happened this morning in a conversation that has my mind caught in a web of deep thought. im trying to overstand the heart and motives of the womyn that i love better than i do and at the same time, overstand the feelings that i have for her. maybe its not meant for me to overstand....maybe its something so complex...that its over my head, in the hands of the most high. things like that dont need explanations, they just are and maybe this situation is one of them. all i know is i feel a love so strong for her....my love is so strong for her but i feel weak at the same time. weak because i have never experienced love like this before...its unfamiliar but at the same time, it feels familiar because i feel like i have loved her forever. next....diallo said we might be going to va on saturday. if we do go, it will be a well deserved 1 day vacation. i need to sit at my mother's kitchen table with her sitting across from me and vibe with her. i need to hear my niece's giggle and feel her little hands in mine while she makes me sing barney's "i love you" song. i need to sit and laugh with my brother and see how much of man he has become. i need a dose of home. if only i could drive 8 more hours to get a dose of my womyn. i cant have everything i want tho. so, i will wait patiently for the day that i become connected with the other half of me. soon come. i need to go nite nite....i have an exam in biology tomorrow....in a minute.....peace....cream out.

live for the sunshine........im here....waiting for my black nail polish to dry. i havent painted my nails black since i was 14. im just feeling that color for some reason. im making a new anklet with black beads too. well, i have always worn black beads. things have been ok. i feel like i am just existing right now. i go to work and i half way go to school...like marvin said...this aint livin. i had to start eating carbs again because i couldnt damn get up. i felt weak...like when you get the flu weak. i felt sick. i dont know what to do about my weight...im totally clueless. all i know is it needs to go. as far as school goes, im feeling soooo unmotivated. school has officially become a bore to me. im ready to get on with my life. ive been in school a total of 17 years and im tired. i have to do this lovely paper to graduate and i really...REALLY dont want to, i have to. it has to be in perfect apa style or i will fail. thats stress. i am going to start going to the library when i can and write my paper. inshallah, ill pass so i can get on with my life. friday, i did a little christmas shopping. i bought myself a memphis jersey and a perfume set. sometime this week, im going back to get some goat's milk soap and some honey lotion. i deal with mean assholes every day at work, shit i deserve to treat myself. next....every day, the pain gets worse. its been almost 4 months since i have smelled her....saw her cheshire cat smile....felt her lips against my skin....its getting more and more painful. im cravin her and i have never craved anyone. i miss her so much yo. im so in love....and i know she feels the same way. ive had never been in a relationship where i felt the love that was professed for me. everytime she tells me she loves me, i feel it, i know it. she is the queen of my sanity. aight...thats enough. time for the kid to go to bed. in a minute.....peace....cream da queen out.

get 'em gurrrrllll.......its been a week...i know. between school and work i barely have time to breathe. school....i have my theory paper due in 3 weeks and i havent even started on it yet. ive started the research process and i had to change my topic because i couldnt find enough info on it. so, today, i woke up bright and early to go to the library and get some books and work on my paper. finding the books i needed took 2 hours....well, i got kinda sidetracked looking at other books that i would love to read if i had time. *sigh* if i only had more time. having this job has made me realize how precious time is. when i was working part time, i wasted a lot of time basically doing nothing. now, every minute of my day counts. every hour is accounted for. the word of the week is discipline. im working towards being disciplined. work...work is work. my save rate (the amount of people i get to stay with the service and not cancel) SUCKS. i think my average is 15%, when it should be 30%. i just have an issue with bugging people because i dont like to be bugged. if i call to cancel a service, cancel the damn thing. dont offer me anything for free (nothing is free) and dont try to convince me to stay. just cancel my account so i can keep it movin. dont get me wrong, i try to save people but its hard. all i can do is try and i get paid whether i make saves or i dont...so im not worried. business....i havent started working on any graphics for my stuff yet. i have been entirely too busy. woo is real excited about it....i am too but im not a business savy person. im the creative side of it and she's going to be the business side of it. so, the cream shop soon come. seen? diet....i started the adkins diet on monday. i was going to do the sadkhins but im not a big fan of milk. too much makes me gag. plus, i need some kind of variety. nothing but veggies and fruit or milk every other day is no fun. this adkins thing is getting kinda boring now too. i have had dreams of pancakes. yuuuum. oh well, i can get to where i want to be if i dont work to get there. ill continue to eat my cheeseburger without the bun, thank you. my baby...i was thinking...my girl needs a vacation. i would love to fly her here for 4 days. i'd still go to school and work so she would have time to chill by herself. i'd buy a bunch of food so she could chill in my room and just be. she'd have computer access in my room. she'd have cable plus my school's movie channel where they play new video releases. oh...and she'd have me. no noise, no kids, just peace and quiet and her baked lays and diet coke. id make sure she had some activity planned for the day like, a football/basketball game, a jazz concert, a play, a movie, a trip to the riverfront or the park....something to get her out of my room occasionally. yo, she deserves a vacation...taking care of 2 kids plus looking after her mom is a lot. that would be so nice. im missin her like crazy. we still dont know when we will see each other again....itll be 4 months next month. feels like 4 years. aight....i need to go nite nite. i have to get up and work on my paper. sooo, in a minute.....peace and serenity....cream out.

miss busy body.........ok...quick update. im so excited....ive decided to start my own business. its something i have always wanted to do. anyway, i peeped her site and she has a online store and it kinda triggered the idea. i want to create stuff for the glbt community. i have looked online for t-shirts, license plate covers, etc and the only place i have found them is gay.com. plus, i have a bunch of design ideas for different things. so, im in the process of creating designs for my stuff. i will be selling boxers, t-shirts, hoodies, thongs, mouse pads, posters, calendars, and post cards of my artwork....basically, anything you can think of. ill put up a link when i am finished designing everything. its going to take a minute because of school and work but i am soooo excited about this that every spare moment i have will be devoted to this and my art. the art section of my blog is also in construction. damn...so many things to do, so little time. next...work is ok. like i said yesterday, when i get home, im tired as hell. one of my so called friends is in the process of being downgraded to associate. its funny how you think you know people, then they turn out to be totally opposite of what you thought they were. really, i dont have time for it. my friends are feeling neglected....i cant help it tho. i have so much on my plate right now and i refuse to lose. i am going to graduate, start my business, keep this job, inshallah. im doing big things. saturday, im devoting the whole morning to my theory paper....i want to get at least 7 pages done. its due the end of next month and even tho its only 15-20 pages, i want to have the whole thing done by the middle of next month. thats my goal. aight...time to go to work. in a minute......peace....cream out.

warrior song....well, i passed my certification test @work. i thought i wasnt....being the pessimistic chic that i am. i got a 100. yaaayyy me. anyway, yesterday was my first day on the floor. well, it was frustrating as hell. i think i got some the most evil people on my line yesterday. some people can be so damn rude. anyway, i came home with a HUGE headache. the chic that had been sitting at my desk at work before me left work because she was sick. well....now i feel icky. i puked about an hour ago. im fighting it...i cant miss work. i got a phonecall from my cell phone company this morning...im over my daytime minutes. well....i knew that shit. anyway, the lady was real nice....i upgraded my service so i can have more daytime minutes because by the time i get home, i dont feel like doing shit but having a brief convo with my girl and going to bed. if i cant handle it or if i dont use the minutes...trust, i will downgrade it back to what i had. next...ive gained 20 pounds. as for my weight now....ill never tell. just know, that i have gained 20 pounds and i dont like the shit one little bit. soooo, sadkhin here i come. im starting to feel maaaaad sluggish and uncomfortable as of late. so, fuck talking, im doing something about this shit before it gets so out of hand that i cant do shit about it. im a warrior...i can do it. next...right now im doing laundry and i just finished cleaning my room. i really dont have time for much anymore...my life is school and work. in between, i find time for my girl and for my friends. im going to start taking some books that arent school related to work with me to read when im not taking any calls. i havent read a good book in a LONG time. if you have any recommendations....leave them in my comments after "cream out". ya gotta highlight it to see it. lol...its my little glitch in this layout. aight....time for me to go get my laundry, fold it up, and put it away..then its off to french class. je deteste francais. in a minute...maybe 2....peace...cream out.

work blog #2.....im at work again and i feel so damn bloated. i feel huge....like a big ass bubble. i dont know whats up. i start my diet this weekend.....yaaay. i got paid today and i have already spent this check in my head. i gotta pay on my cell bill cuz dammit...i know that i have gone over my daytime minutes. damn shame. im going to stop calling peeps during the day but hell....everybody is sleep after 9. i wish i could go to ct on halloween but...my time isnt going to be right. i want to go a week before i leave for thanksgiving break. its been 3 months since i have seen my stinka chocolate puddin pop. this is the longest we have spent apart...we got together in feb, saw each other in march, and came to get me in may so i could spent 2 months in ct. so 3 months is a longggg time for us. the most high willing, we will see each other sooner than i think. anyway, back to my pay check....i gotta christmas shop. my goal is to have most of my christmas shopping finished by dec 1st.

random thoughts @ work......right now, im at work.....very bored. work wouldnt be so bad if i wasnt in this damn training class from 3-11. im hungry....i would love to have a buffalo chicken sandwich right about now. i think ill treat myself to lunch from applebees today. next...7 years ago, today, my grandfather died. when i was walking back home from class, i got teary eyed. i know he would be proud of me....ive done everything that he asked me to do before he died...i even did somethings beyond what he asked. i miss him sooo much. i talked to my grandmother...i thought she would be kinda depressed today but she wasnt. it was a pleasant surprise....we had a longgg convo. we talked about everything from crazy people to the soap operas. next...my last post was about my father. i had a moment. lol. i know i have said 50 billion times that i am not going to let him piss me off but for some strange reason that is beyond me...he does. ive just decided to take it day by day. he's never really been in my life to begin with...but why is it that i miss something that i have never had?? weird huh? next....i havent really been in a talkative mood...ive been on the grind. with school, work, midterms, and getting everything situated...ive been really busy. sometimes so busy that i dont have any "down" time except to for my 4 or 5 hours of sleep i get. im not complaining tho...im doing what i need to do for myself. nothing wrong with that. next...i cant wait to shop online. i have been looking at a ton of sites...amazon is my favorite...and i get all excited just thinking about shopping. im buying my niece some stuff from toys-r-us...i found some care bears that i havent seen in stores yet. i am a care bear fan just as much as she is. woo thinks that im crazy. i guess im reliving my childhood or something. maybe thats it....all i know is i like shopping for my niece. i want her to have all the stuff i didnt have when i was little. anyway...im waiting for my break to order my food. da kid is starving.....in a minute....peace and a biscuit....cream out.

chapter 1........i despise you for all the feelings that you have ignited in my heart...anger and bitterness to name a few. most of all...i feel love and hatred for you all simultaneously. i dont even know why i love you in the first place. i love you and i despise you at the same time...why have i allowed you to make me feel like this....i feel so fuckin dumb....so damn stupid for allowing you to be in my life at all. why do i keep going back when its obvious that you dont give a fuck about me or my feelings? why do i keep forgiving when the issues keep repeating themselves? why did i ever give my heart to you in the first place? all i can come up with is....i was dumb for loving you. i was stupid as hell for caring about you. im tired of crying...being unhappy...being your jester...someone you pick up and put aside at your leisure...you know what....fuck despising you...i hate you. despise is not the right adjective to describe the what i feel. hate is a better word choice. i thought shit would be different...blah blah blah....but it aint. promises, promises. promises are like babies....easy to make but hell to deliver. you have hurt me for the last time. its not healthy to walk into oncoming traffic and not care. its not healthy to drink every damn day. i refuse to lose any more sleep....any more of my time....any more love....on a fucked up individual as yourself. so fuck you and the womb you came from. aint no peace today.....cream is definitely out.

black & mild.....im sittin here, listenin to tweet, smoking a black (my first time and its not as bad as i thought...its quite relaxing), thinking before i have to go to my meeting with my french professor. i have reached the lowest point in my life and right now it appears that it is my highest point. its only an illusion. i finally got a job. im still in school when most of my fam told me that i wouldnt last a semester. im just going through some things that i really need to work out ASAP because i believe that they will contribute to my downfall. i know i am not the only one stressed out...most of my friends are stressed as well and usually i am the one that they talk to when things are going good. i cant be there for them until i take care of myself. a lot of the problems that i have as far as my fam is concerned, could have been prevented if i put myself first. next...i have totally slacked up on my writing. i have read some the pieces i have wrote in the past and compared them to the pieces now....they arent on the same level. writing is kinda like working out. if you slack off...you lose strength and endurance. i used to write all the time, about anything, for hours...now, i sit with my pen in my hand and stare at the paper. writing is what keeps me sane....not saying that i am not sane now...im just not at as at peace as i was when i was writing everyday. next....im in love...im sure yall already know that. being in a long distance relationship is stressful especially if you dont know when you are going to see your mate again. im in that position plus i am working so that doesnt leave much time on the phone....she has a job and kids, so by the time i get home from work, she is in the bed sleep. i have been kinda mean lately because im going through so much. there are a lot of things i havent told her and i have expected her to understand how i feel but how can i, if she doesnt know whats wrong? we really need to sit down and have a talk about the whole situation...but when? i need to see her....soon. next...i am starting another blog in addition to this one. its going to be focused on my work (written as well as visual). it should be up soon...i have to work on a layout. well...i need to go talk to my professor. *puttin my black out* in a minute....peace....cream out.

work it girl.......day 2 of my new job....i like it so far. its cool...i laugh at lot when i am at work. there is a lady in my training class that asks 50 billion questions...wont even let the man teach the class. she asks questions that the teacher is going to answer for us when he gets to that particular topic. there is not 10 minutes that goes by that she doesnt ask a question. then, there is a dude that i think is kinda disturbed...he has the answer for everything. i think they need to team up. i need to start taking me something to eat with me because all i drink is water and a cup of gevalia coffee to keep me awake. today we went over computer basics...when i say basics, i mean basics. like....what is software and hardware? i was fighting sleep. thank the most high for coffee. next....im maaaad frustrated. i shed a couple of tears when i came home...im feeling a lot of things at 1 time. im happy because i finally got a job which means i will have some money. im frustrated because i feel like im being taken for granted. im happy because i am finally doing big things and i am doing them by myself. im upset because by the time i get home, everybody i know is sleep and i get frustrated because i want to be listened to. i want someone to be as attentive to me as i am to other peeps. like i always say....what i want and want i am experiencing dont always meet. anyway, im happy because i am losing weight...my pants are starting to get loose. im happy most of all because i am alive and my life could be a lot worse than what it is. next...i need some food...bad. im finna go to taco bell. in a few minutes.....peace.....cream out.

the word of the day is.......j-o-b....and i finally have one. *all praises due to the most high* a friend of mine told me to go apply at this place that she had just got hired on at. its a phone center....basically its helping people with their internet service over the phone. no telemarketing. so, i decided to go peep it yesterday. after filling out the application, taking a stupid test, and getting interviewed....i got hired. the interview wasnt even an interview....the lady talked about her fam the whole time. fine by me...just give me a job. i start monday at 3. i work from 3-11:30 for a week of training. after that, i think my hours will be shorter. i am so excited. i finally got a real job. i know its going to be hard going to school full time on top of working but i can handle it. yesterday i went shopping for some "business casual" clothes. i dress like a tomboy most of the time...jeans and t-shirts. this is going to be a new experience for me. i bought a couple of things but i definately need some more clothes. hopefully, diallo will get out of his girlfriend's ass long enough to take me to the mall. oh...speaking of diallo, i dont like his girlfriend. she talks to him any kind of way...she is extremely jealous and stuck up as hell. she's cute....but she's not all that to be sweatin. he deserves so much better....he's like my little brother....i hope he realizes that she isnt kosher soon. i need to do some homework before i go to bed....in a minute...peace....cream out.

rain on meeeee......i got tired of the other layout. i saw a picture of the beautiful young lady named mona and it inspired me to do a new layout. i didnt want anything but her head on my page....dont get me wrong, her body is beautiful as well, but her face is what got her on my page. sooo, miss mona, if you ever read this, just know that i think you are a beautiful womyn and i hope that you are very successful in your modeling career. next...i called my father on my new cell phone when i was on my way to walmart. my brother turned 21 yesterday and i wanted to know why he didnt call....so i called him to get some answers. i dont know why i expected that this birthday would be any different from the 20 before it. to make the long story short, he said i always call him to browbeat over some bullshit. when i talk to him, i tell him how i feel...my feelings about him...and he called my feelings bullshit like i dont have a right to feel the way i do. i said "fuck you" and hung up. i almost cried....almost. i called my mother and we talked about the whole situation. everyday, for the rest of his life, he will pay for not doing right by his children. im going to let the most high take care of it and im going to live my life completely without him. he will never hear my voice or see my face ever again...my word is blood. next....i am still job hunting. all i know is i need to hurry up and find one because my money is getting shorter and shorter. i have things that i need to buy for myself....plus, i have to buy christmas presents. i talked to a friend of mine that used to work at this place that i have been looking at...she said she wishes she still worked there. after the convo....i am definately going to call and see whats up. next...its been almost 3 months since i have seen my womyn. im missin her like crazy....woo woo woo. hopefully, i will get to see her soon. i miss the way she touches me. i miss sharing a bed with her. i miss her holding me real close to her and her drooling when she sleeps on my boobies. i miss waking up in the middle of the night and eating junk food with her. damn, i miss her....especially at night. nights are the loneliest time of the day for me. anyway.... im going to listen to some coltrane and try to go to sleep. keyword:try. i havent been doing much sleeping lately. in a minute....peace...cream out.

toy story.....thoughts.....nothing but the sound of us breathing...trying to get my thoughts together....to find the right words to say how i feel....cuz i feel so many things at 1 time...but of course you already know that. today i sould like a scratched cd...can i be in your top 3...just for 1 day...nah, im fibbing....more than 1 day...i feel pushed aside like old toys on christmas day. call me back...ill call you back...snores...tears...and silence. i feel frustration, anger, and irritation all at the same time cuz i want some attention...some compassion...some open ears with an alert mind. everyday its a struggle....i want to see you...feel you...smell you...next to me...due to the long distance...i can only touch you mentally and this ringing piece of plastic is all i have. damn.

sittin here....eatin cold hot wings.....knowing i shouldnt...but fuck it. i feel like it dammit. i will be fasting this weekend. my body needs a break.

inconsistencies.......so far, this week has been pretty cool. i cooked for a bunch of football players, went to the gym, and ate korean food for the first time. things are going cool. what i want to touch on right now is something that has been on my mind for a minute. ive been getting angry a lot lately....and thats not like me. usually...it takes a lot to tic me off but recently...it doesnt take as much. my patience with people and my tolerance for bullshit is extremely low. if you dont have your shit right....step. what it all boils down to is this....i want to be treated how i treat other peeps. everybody that knows me knows that i am a very loyal friend. i will give you my last and do almost anything in my power for you if you are my friend. my word is blood....and if by chance i cant do whatever i said i was....you will know and i will do it at my earliest convenience. im a strong believer in "dont make excuses....make arrangements". do what the fuck you say you are going to do. that is one of my biggest pet peeves yo....people that dont do what they say they are going to do. *insert mean face here* as of late....peeps that i thought were down for me....turn out to be spurious as hell. now, i know why my grandma says "your best company is your own" really...to be totally honest...i am tired of people, period. i think it i expect too much...much more than people can or will give for that matter. if you are my friend....i consider you my fam. my friends know who they are....if i havent spoken with you recently....you arent my friend. so get on like ya been shit on. i dont want to hear about your issues...your drama...your bullshit....your life. i dont want to hear shit from you. aight? now step. next...the internet. same shit...different toilet. thats why i havent been posting a lot. i sound very gelid right now....really im not. im just tired yall. tired of people and the bullshit that comes with them and the internet. ok...im takin my ass to bed...i gotta get up at 6:30 to go to the gym. *thought* are there any real peeps left? in a minute...peace...cream out.

you're only a day away.......today was cool until i got to my damn statistics class. i hate that damn class. anyway....i wasnt there last week (its a once a week class)....i knew we had an exam today....i looked over my notes....and i still did bad. i forgot my calculator....had to run alllll the way back to my dorm to get it. i did horrible on that exam. next....woo told me that she would call me around 7:45...well, it was damn near 10:00 and she hadnt called me. my friend called me and asked did i want to go to walmart and since i wasnt doing a damn thing, i said ok. she takes all damn day....then on the way home, she damn near kills me. she turns right on red and a car skidded and almost hit us. i was so fuckin heated.....if that car had waited 2 seconds more to stop....i would be in a hospital somewhere. i finally got home and called woo. her daughter picked up the phone and wouldnt give it to her....so i know woo was sleep because if she wasnt, she would have answered the phone. i hung up. i call back around 15 minutes later...finally got to talk to woo and told her how my day was and attempted to hear about hers. so, im telling her about my day and she falls asleep. i havent talked to her all day....and when i finally get to talk to her, she falls asleep...then gets a damn attitude with me because i get upset because she is not talking to me. all i want is a conversation. after the day ive had.....i need a conversation with some substance....some encouragement....some laughter....some love. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

all cried out.......this weekend was.....stressful. i havent cried so much in a long time. i had been holding in so much and i couldnt take it anymore. i dont know when i will see woo again.....its looking like sometime in december. me not having my license and a car is putting a strain on me. i have to depend on other people and i really hate that. i want to see her so bad....its been 2 months. we talked about it yesterday and i cried like a damn baby. there is no compromise...she is tired of driving, i cant miss class, she isnt coming here, and im not coming there. i could....on the 30th of this month.....i could even pay for half of her plane ticket if she wanted to come here....but thats another issue. next....its 11:59 pm and i want a conversation. after dealing with idiots that call themselves college students all day, i want a real conversation. i want to talk....i want to be talked to. i want to listen....i want to be listened to. but where am i......in front of my computer with no one to talk to. nothing but the hum of my fan and the clicking of my keys. i could IM one of my peeps from yahoo or aim....but i dont want to. i dont want to hear about anybody's issues or give anybody advice....i just want an easy conversation. i want to tell someone how my day was and hear how their day went. i want to talk about something with some substance. basically.....da kid needs some verbal attention. next...i have decided not to pursue the job i was talking about....any job that says i have to miss a whole week of school cant be good. school comes first. so, im going to the little career services building and see what they can do for me. all i know is i need a job. i have money left from my refund check....but i know its not going to last forever. next...i have also decided to *ahem* go on a diet and establish a workout routine. i looked at myself when i was walking by a big window....i saw my reflection and i couldnt believe it was me. i have let myself go for entirely too long. i have tried almost everything to lose weight and either it didnt work or i didnt stick with it. one or the other. now, i have to because i feel every ounce of positive self image that i have...going away. ok...im so bored that i am gettin sleepy. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

i conjured this in the shower.....as i am.....baby, i love you as you are....from the golden frizz that stands like marine on your head to the toe on your left foot that you call decrepit....but its aight with me....you dont look like beyonce or ashanti....nor do you want to....you accept and love yourself for you and i love you....as you are. those child bearing hips that can birth tribes....the gap between your teeth that you stick the tip of your tongue in when you're vexxed....the tears you shed when your upset....the processes in your cerebral cortex...i love you....as you are. ill worship you like buddha...adorn your stretch marks with precious jewels because they are pathways to your heart...bow down and kiss your feet because you truly are a goddess...a rose amongst dandelions....a queen amongst chickenheads...even your flaws are beautiful...and i love you...as you are. © cream baby, 2003

happy birthday......1 year ago, today, i got up the idea to start my own weblog. so much has happened since then....some good, some bad, but i have learned from all of it. hopefully, i can get the archive link fixed so peeps that havent been around since conception can read the old posts. honesty, i didnt think that i would stick with it....im easily bored. it has been my venting spot. thank everybody that reads my thoughts and my ramblings. yall need to stop bein lurkers and comment. let me know whats on ya mind occasionally. next...i am coming down with a cold. my throat feels swollen....im sluggish and tired and basically i dont feel like doing shit. tgif!!! my plans for the evening are taking a shower and layin my ass in my bed. i cant afford to be sick....i have an interview on wednesday. pray for me....i need a job. i have already said when i get a job, i want to buy this, this, and a bunch of other gadgets. im startin to turn into a electronics fan thanks to woo. next...im still in a mood....its a little worse because im gettin a cold...maybe it will improve over the weekend. next...yo..i got my senior evaluation today. i walked in my advisor's office nervous as hell. he pulled out the paper that had every class i have ever taken and the classes i needed to take to finish. my magic number is 139. thats the number of credits i have to have to graduate...i have 92. which is a lot better than what i thought.....i have all of my general requirements out of the way.....most of my major's requirements done.....im 3 credits shy of completing my minor.....all i need is electives. so i have to take some classes not related to my major....which is fine with me. my advisor almost made me cry because he said that he was proud of me......ive come a long way. im almost done.....praise the most high. im proving so many people wrong. when i finally get my degree....damn yo....when i finally get it....im going to tell everybody that doubted me kiss mi rass. aight....im going to take a nap....peace...cream out.

here, my dear.......i am frustrated, irritated, and stressed. i want to get on a plane (i would get up enough bravery) and go somewhere....anywhere....peaceful. no worries, no stress, nothing but freedom. ive been in school for 3 weeks...and i am ready for it to be over with. i am burned out. my brain wants more....but my mind cant take anymore....feel me? i find myself holding my breath until the weekend and i know its not healthy.next...i stripped the rest of my perm out my hair is FINALLY natural. its been a long time coming but its finally here. i got stares and double takes today...all because of a damn fro. i could see if my hair was lime green...its just a damn fro people....glance and keep it movin. i took a quiz for my biology lab today and i got an A...yaaaayyy me. then i found out that one of my favorite artists is in the process of making his new album. glenn lewis is the bomb....if you dont have his album....you need to cop it. i listen to his cd regularly. ive been listening to marvin gaye's "hear my dear" album a lot too. that man was a genius...cop that album. next...to my peeps...if i am a bit anti-social...dont take it personally. i need a break....from everything. oh yeah...tomorrow is my blogs birthday....peace....cream out.

new du part deux.......its been a week.....i know. i decided that i wasnt goin to update until i got a new layout. i was on strike. i couldnt take it anymore.....the former layout was killin my eyes. it was so plain....so not...me. i worked kinda hard on this layout...still cant get my archives links to work (if anybody knows how...hit me up in the HOLLA commentary spot). let me know what you think about the new layout. next...my 2nd ex called me yesterday....twice. she was talkin the same bullshit...aint shit changed. woo called me right after me and her hung up. this is the 2nd time she has called me when something was wrong. i have never had a connection like that with someone outside of my fam before. its like, she knows without me saying anything. thats a beautiful thing. next...i am surrounded by children. well, thats what i get living in a dorm. its a bunch of 18 year olds around me...giggling, being childish and shit...i want to get a belt and whup all of their asses. i see why when i first came to college, upperclassman were surprised when i told them i was a freshman. these people are big ass kids. i want my own apartment bad. i need to hurry up and find a job...i gotta get to connecticut soon. i need a change of scenery already. im starting to get restless...its like, i am so easily bored and frustrated...dawn said i need to write....which is true cuz i have taken a LONG break from it. i gotta cut this short....i got a ton of things to do...ill holla...peace...cream out.

what a day...what a day.......today has been cool.....i chilled...didnt do much....found out i got a check for $1000.00. *cheesin* there is something that is on my mind.....so here it is.....me and woo were in the chatroom on bp....and someone says "lady_cream....dont i know you?" i look at the name....and i know who it is....my 2nd ex. just in case yall dont remember...she is the one that kept calling me after i told her to stop callin me cuz she couldnt respect my relationship. look in the archives....its there. anyway....a million and 1 things started running through my head cuz i hadnt seen her online and she hadnt called in a while. usually, she calls about every 2 months.....even tho i said not to call at all. anyway, she asked how i was and all that. woo was talking to someone else so she didnt notice. so, my ex asked me for my number. yo....i swear that i think she has my home phone number and my school phone number and she just asked me just to start shit. she told me that she had my addy and i remember writing my phone numbers on that exact piece of paper. none of that info has changed. anyway....woo im'ed me and asked who that was talking to me asking me how my fam was. when i told her....she flipped. she flipped in the damn chatroom. she called her by her name.....cussed her out.....called her all kinds of shit. everything that i told woo about her.....she said. all i could do was sit back with my mouth open. now that i have sat down and really thought about the situation.....im not bitter about what she did to me. she cheated on me....and that was that. me and her ended because the most high was going to bring woo into my life. i love woo.....more than she can ever imagine yo. i truly believe i have found my soulmate.....we may have little spats....but when the day is over with, thats still my wife. there is only 1 for me and that 1 is woo. now that i am not bitter, i want to ask my ex why she cheated on me. it may sound real damn stupid but i want to know why. i want to know why she did that to me after i had been nothing but nice to her? how could she touch me and tell me that she loved me and the next day, have sex with someone else? when i was talking to her in the chatroom, she said she has been through a whole lot but she didnt want to spill it all out in the chatroom. karma is a muhfucca aint it? about 5am this morning, my tia (my first ex) called me crying about some stuff that happened this weekend. regardless of what happened between us....we have remained friends. but yo.... i went through all this hurt and all this bullshit to find my soulmate. those 2 women put me through so much pain and bullshit yo....whether they know it or not....and i just want to know why. next.....back to my $1000 check....im finna buy every damn thing i need. keyword: need. ive learned from being broke dammit. anyway....im goin nite nite.....in a minute.....peace.....cream out.

azuuuuuuuucar.......i know the last entry was maaaad short.....i enjoyed the breeze soooo much. we had a thunderstorm yesterday....woke me up out of my sleep. i have always been scared of lightning....weird, but true. next....im just starting to be comfortable in my own skin.....i have always had a little insecurity.....but now its gettin to the point where im starting not to compare myself to anyone but myself. when i first stepped onto this campus, i was a totally different person. when i think about how far i have come since then....i always smile. i know i have some things i need to work out but dammit i like me a lot better now than i did then. this morning, i got up and looked at myself in the mirror...my hair was all ova my head. little gold curls were everywhere. for the first time, in a long time, i looked at myself and didnt see anything that i couldnt change with a couple of trips to the gym every week. yo...im not gon front...da kid gained weight over the summer....but dammit, i look good. im looking at myself with love in my eyes....thats a beautiful thing and beautiful, i am. next....da kid is still broke. what else is new? lol. next week i am going job hunting.....im tired of crawling. i need to get on my feet. next....i have been REALLY feeling her music. i cant understand a work of it....but i sing like i do. she is definately a womyn that i look up to....her style amazes me. well...i just finished dancing to la vida es un carnaval....i need a shower. in a minute.....azuuuuuuuuuuuuucar.......cream out.

electric relaxation.......im chillin....enjoyin the breeze....wonderin when was the last time that i stopped and actually chilled with a clear mind. yo...its been a minute. this feels so damn good. last night i twisted my hair after i washed it....big ups to this website.....i learned a lot. my hair is dry as hell.....i thought i was doing something wrong and found out that i was. now...its cool. i wish it would rain......that would set this day off.

a new du........like the new layout?? well, its only temporary. i just couldnt take the black anymore. too damn gloomy. before i forget....my blogs birthday is comin up. it will be a year old on sept. 12th......get presents from here. ok...next....i finally took my braids out and washed my hair. yo....not havin a perm is a lot of work. you are dealing with your hair in its natural state....so basically you are working with it rather than it working with you when its permed. i need some more hair products because mine suck......my hair is hella dry. i have to constantly moisturize it. when i finally get some money i am going to load up on hair stuff. if anybody has any suggestions....e-mail me (the link is on the right...da kid is too lazy to link here). next...it was 95 damn degrees today. it felt like it was 195 degrees.....my dorm is so damn hot. i couldnt afford the extra $700 a semester to live in another dorm with ac AND pay more to have a single room. cant afford it. yo...the peeps that live in the new dorms with ac...get cell phones instead of phones in their rooms. i was sooo pissed off until i realized that their cellys have a 30 mile radius. thats it. so, i couldnt take it home. i couldnt take it on trips with me unless i was going to walmart. so....fuck their cell phones....ill get my own dammit. anyway....back to the dorm from hell....i have been taking 3 showers a day. i feel icky all the time...that sweaty, sticky feeling. i hate that. so, i have to do it. these females on my floor dont wash they ass but once a day.....and its 95 damn degrees. i know they are stinky.....if i am hot, i know they are. *smh* nasty heffas. i found out the class that i thought was going to be hella hard....isnt going to be that hard. true enough...its going to be hard...but nothing da kid cant handle. im determined to make the dean's list this semester. im goin to work my ass off. next...me and my grandma had a disagreement about me being in school. basically, she said i should sit out and work for a semester....hell to da nah. that would put me further behind than what i am already. she thought i was failing classes and i was bullshittin around....i told her i wasnt but i guess she didnt believe me. so, today, she looked through the papers that i sent her and sure enough.....there was proof. a letter stating that if i was in academic trouble, i would get kicked out of the dorms. well...ummm...im still in this bitch...sweating like a fuckin slave....been here for 4 years. so...she called and apologized not once....but twice. yo, i forgive her but i damn sure wont forget. it hurt me that she didnt believe what i was saying....like i have a reason to lie to her. im grown. it also hurt me that she would think i would be fuckin up in school in the first place.....if i didnt want to be here, i would be somewhere working. school costs too much to be fuckin up. i love my grandma but i see things in a different way after all that. well...i need to be taking my ass to sleep....got a 10:00 class tomorrow. in a minute.....cream suga sprinkled caramel cupcake......out.

back to life........i know i know....its been a minute. da kid has been mad busy. i had to pack all my crap to go back to school and when i got here, i had to unpack. i am still not finished unpacking. ill do it this weekend. school is.....school. i am surrounded by a bunch of children. i am hot as hell because there is no ac in this building. i feel like i am in hell. i cant wait for fall to get here. i am ready for school to be over with already....ready to graduate.....yall already know that tho. next....i decided to stick with natural hair. when i went to ct this summer, i permed it. *tsk tsk* well, i am not perming it anymore. i think i look so cute with a fro. ill post pics when i take these damn braids out of my head. my sister braided my hair before i left and i swear they itch like a million mosquito bites. i need to wash my hair. next....me and diallo talked...he is going to take me to look for a job and is going to take me and pick me up from work when i get a job. i cant wait to start working. there are so many things that i need to do for myself. i have a list of goals on my wall and i am determined to reach all of them before this semester is over with. im not telling what they are.....too much pressure. i know this is a short post considering i havent written in a while but the kid is tired as hell. this day has been tiring. i just want to lay in my bed, drink a black cherry soda, and go to sleep. in a minute......peace...cream out.

its over........things are gettin brighter, slowly but surely. i just finished cooking (jerk chicken, chinese vegetables, rice, and cornbread) and now i feel relaxed. its something about cooking that relaxes me. i like to watch my brother eat my food.....he eats like he aint ate in years. he's picky as hell.....but i never get any complaints...only compliments. next...i called the state supreme court for cream this morning....got frustrated cuz they couldnt get me the answers i needed....ill call again on monday. i am determined to AT LEAST get his sentence shortened. i really hope he walks free. hope is a hell of a thing. next...its funny how people that dont even know you appreciate your work more than the people you love. well shit, the people i love take me for granted so i shouldnt expect much should i? i hate to sound harsh but thats how da kid feels......i am so ready to leave. august 23rd marks the genesis. next...my brother's best friend is staying over....he and his girlfriend got into a fight and her parents are looking for him. he says he didnt hit her....he just pushed her off of him....which i totally believe. his girl is one of those chics that gets physical when she argues.....she wants him to hit her. im not saying its right to hit a womyn....but if i were a man and a chic hit me in my face.....id have to bitch slap her ass. when i was with my ex...i never provoked the fights.....he always hit me first. i wasnt goin to let him beat on me so i fought back. this chic ripped his chain off of his neck, jumped on his back and scratched him AND spit on him. yo....i give him props for not hittin her cuz if it hadda been me....i woulda punched her. one of the nastiest things you can do is spit on somebody.....oh hellllllllll nah. let a bitch spit on me....i'll knock her damn teeth out. yes people....cream has a violent side. it only comes out occasionally when i am provoked and when it does....i would suggest you keep your distance from me. i feel myself gettin angry for reasons i dont feel like sharing....so...ima go drink some henny and go to bed. in a minute......peace.....cream out.

ventin....#6,000,000....i am sittin here with tears in my eyes. there is so much i need to get out....whatever sanity i had left is officially gone. early this morning, i got so angry....so angry, my hands were shaking. i have never felt that way before in my life. i have been holding so much in for so damn long....tolerating shit that i shouldnt be, being quiet, overlooking shit.....i cant take it anymore. the shit is not healthy. I laid in the tub until my skin looked like a damn prune....thought long and hard about everything that i am feeling. i decided to write this....it was inspired by something that Belle did in her last post. i dont mean to hurt anybody's feelings but i am not and i will not apologize for how i feel.

C- I love you, you should already know that. You will never realize how much. Sometimes I feel excessive and taken for granted....like you feel like i am goin to always be here. There are some other things......but i will talk to you about them later. The way I treat you is a direct reflection of how I want to be treated. I am feeling so much right now and I need you to listen to me, not just hear me. Make love a verb and show me how you feel. You already know my past and how things have gone thus far. SHOW ME that you want to be a part of my future.

M- I love you, I always have. I wish you would get your life together and realize that sex isn’t everything and you can survive without being with someone. I don’t understand why you take so much shit in the name of a relationship. You taught me to be stronger than that, why can’t you take your own advice? I wish you would leave that no good man alone and just enjoy your own company rather than the company of someone that is verbally abusive.

L- I hate you because I love you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I wish I could say the same for you. I wish another was in your place so maybe I wouldn’t feel like this. I wish you would come and wipe almost 23 years of anger and pain away. I wish you knew how many nights I cried for you. I wish you knew how much you hurt me the last time we talked. I wish a lot of things but wishes are only granted by genies and I have yet to come across one.

B- I know I can talk to about anything and not be judged. Our conversations mean a lot to me. It’s funny how exes can become best friends. I’m going to do everything in my power to help you because I know that if the tables were turned, you would do the same for me.

#4- I thought all the damage you caused was gone. I just realized that I was wrong. You made me feel so many negative things. When we were together, I was a damn mess.....no self esteem whatsoever. I’ve cleaned up a lot of it, but there is still more to be cleaned up. Your actions spoke so much louder than your words. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel the way you did but the fact remains that you did. I wish you would admit it and apologize.

J- Thank you for coming into my life and doing what you did. It was the beginning of my true independence. You made me realize that I am a lot stronger than I thought and I have the strength to leave when shit isn’t right and the strength to be by myself rather than be with someone that doesn’t treat me right.

S- Every time I see you, I think of the times you hit me or choked me or the time you held me down and raped me. You made me feel worse than dog shit and being the naïve chic that I was, I let you do it. You had me feeling like you were doing me some kind of favor because you were with me. I remember every slap, every bruise, every woman you cheated on me with, every fucked up thing you said to me…I remember everything. I have forgiven you but I can not and will not forget everything you put me through. It still affects me, even now.

im goin for a walk.....i need do something......in a minute.....peace....cream out.

veryyyyy brief........warning....this post will be short as hell. reason being....i really dont feel like being online. i only came online to check on a few things and update...thats it. i havent been feelin the internet much these past few weeks.....i think the dial up aol bullshit has a lot to do with it. ok...that bein said....my buddy rashawn hooked me up with the sims hot date again. i havent been able to get away from my comp....if you dont have it, cop it. it is soooo much fun. maybe one day ill put my sims photo album on here. next...i went to walmart with my buddy...ill call her ishanay. anyway....i had fun. met her friend ty....laughed a lot. blah blah blah blah. im doin the same shit i have been doin....im gettin rushed off the comp....gotta make a call (damn dial up). ill holla.......in a minute....cream out.

keep it movin.....last night, i FINALLY conversed with my buddy artiste on the phone. we talked for a longgggg time.....it felt good. we have known each other for almost a year....talked about every damn thing....she even knows some of my business. anyway, it was nice to vent to someone. she keeps tellin me to be nice. for what??? why should i be nice when people arent nice to me? i give you what you give me....if you are nice, i am. if you are an asshole, ima be an even bigger asshole. how i treat you is a direct reflextion of how you treat me. oh, btw.....starting today....im gettin my john deere out. i feel the presence of snakes and rats. im reevaluating all of my relationships. next...my niece has these paci's that light up. she loves it...i hear "auntie...look at the light" 50 times a day...she actually should be gettin rid of it since she is almost 2. she looks so cute yo.....the day that i have a seed will be one of the happiest days of my life, even if it will probably be the most pain i have ever felt. while i was in dc, my uncle asked me if i called my father. of course i hadnt and when i went to tell him why, i had tears in my eyes. no one has ever hurt me like he has and i put this on everything i love, no one ever will. i dont want to talk to him....it will open a set of wounds that have just started to heal. i hope he is aight, where ever he is. next....i had a convo with my friend about trust. like i have said a million times...its hard for me to trust. the key to me trusting someone all boils down to verbs. show me....dont talk about it, be about it. if you show me that you are different than the assholes in my past and you are worthy of being a part of my future....maybe i will trust you. next...i was looking at my sitemeter. thank yall for readin my blog. i didnt know so many people did....surprised the hell out of me. ok...thats enough for now. in a minute.......peace.....cream out.

little girl blue.......today, for the upteenth time.....somebody woke me up early. for what??? for not a damn thing. it is so nice to lay in my own space where i dont have to answer the phone.....in fact...i can take that bitch off the hook if i want to. to top it off.....the person that kept callin wasnt even someone i wanted to talk to or someone that wanted to talk to me. i was soooooo pissed. me and my dog were knocked out and this bama calls 6 times before 11 am. aint that a bitch? next......me and my mother went to feed the ducks by my brother's job today. yo.....im diggin ducks right now. the males are some evil bastids....the females are cool. i fed them bread out of my hand. they shook their tail feathers for me....im dead serious. it was so peaceful yo....i didnt think about anything but those ducks the entire time i was there. lately, i have been real attentive to animals....dont know why. i gave my dog a bath and a pedicure last night. she keeps laying her head me and doing things to show that she appreciates me. im glad that somebody appreciates me.....even if its just my dog. im not goin to go into my feelings of being taken for granted....same shit, different toilet. aint shit changed. next...i cleaned my closet today to. ive been tryin to keep myself busy....it keeps things off of my mind. i found some of my old poetry books and an old journal. they reminded me of how far i have come. i was reading some of my journal entries about the times my ex and i would fight and the bruises i would have afterwards. it was like i was reading someone else's story.....like i said, it reminds me of how far i have come. on the other hand....i read some entries that remind me i am still tolerating the same shit that i was with him. i am almost in the same boat that i was in with him....not the fighting and shit tho. thats anotha can of shit that i dont feel like opening right now. i ripped up the journal and kept my old poetry book. i even found a notebook i had in the 6th grade. i have been writing poetry and short stories since i was in the 3rd grade. wish i had kept all the stuff i wrote. oh well. im finna enjoy the time i have alone in this house. in a minute....peace....cream out.

jah....can you hear me? part 2......i am so tired of roanoke. this place is hell......a bunch of fuckin confusion, pettiness, arguing, fighting.....a bunch of high school he say she say shit. it cant ever be peaceful. never......never have, never will. i cant deal with this shit yo. i left here when i was 18 because of it....thought i could just visit and it would be aight...thought that visiting would let me avoid it.....thought wrong. i dont ever want to come back here. i love my fam but if they want to see me once i graduate, they will have to come to where ever i am living and it damn sho aint gon be here. yall dont understand how much hatred i have in my heart for this one damn place....a place that isnt even on the fuckin map half of the time....a place that only has about 150,000 people.....if hell is on earth...this place is the devil's kitchen. im tired of hearing about drama...tired of seeing it...just plain tired of this place. i praise the most high for opening the door for me to get out of here because i probably wouldnt be alive if i hadnt left. i wish that i could take my niece and raise her somewhere decent. i dont want her to grow up here....around all this bullshit. every night i pray to the most high and ask him/her to protect my family and my friends from harm, negativity, violence, and evil. every night yo. i worry about my fam a lot....all i can do is pray yo. the rest is left to the most high. i wish that this worry and negativity would leave my mind....somebody pray for me. in a minute.....peace...cream out.

shawt but sweet......i really dont feel like writing....im bored tho. aint shit else to do but write. i had fun visiting my fam this weekend...my uncles house is so damn pretty. we cooked out, drank some barcardi, watched final destination 2 (i liked that movie)......just chilled yo. it was nice to get away but at the same time it was a reminder of how much we (my immediate fam) dont have. we's po' country folk in a family of wealthy city folk. my little cousin is so cute....he's 3 and soooo damn short for his age.....i couldnt get enough of his little ass. he kept wantin me to play soccer with him...da kid got tired. next...the rain is fallin hard as hell on the roof....sounds like a plane is hoverin over our house.....maybe i need to make this update quick....i would hate to have lightning strike my shit. i miss my woman.....i miss her like crazy....im cravin her....i hope she knows. october betta hurry up and get here. im finna open my windows and listen to the storm til i fall asleep.....ill holla lata. in a minute....peace......cream out.

arrabbiato.....i feel the same way i felt last friday....lonely. its weird cuz i am lonely but i dont feel like bein bothered. everybody is on some other shit today....some shit that i am not tryin to get in. almost everybody i have talked to today has either irritated me or pissed me off. i am so damn anti-social right now. next....we are goin to see my fam in dc tomorrow...well, lata on....since its officially saturday. maybe this is a well deserved get away...maybe i need sometime away from everybody. if i had a car and some money, id be gone...somewhere to enjoy my own company. quick thought----why does "bitter" by meshell n'degeocello make me cry everytime i hear it? just a question i dont have the answer to. at this very moment....im feelin so many different emotions...all at the same time. i need to find the place where i dont feel used...taken advantage of...or just plain fucked up. i want to feel appreciated, loved, respected....and i dont feel that here. when i was younger, i wanted somebody to love and appreciate me. now that i am older, i know that the most important thing is to love and appreciate yourself. i have also learned that everybody has the need to feel loved and appreciated. home is where you are supposed to feel that and well.....like i said before, i dont have a home. cream is without a home. this is my mother's house....its brought to my attention almost everyday. i need a quiet place, just to give me a peace...of mind. i am ready to shut everybody out....just to keep my sanity cuz i feel it slipping away. my dreams that will soon be reality are what is keepin my head to the sky. miles is playing "basin street blues" and its makin my eyes heavy. im gone to dream the same dream i have dreamed for years......in a minute....peace.....cream out.

peace of mind...2 glowin candles and a spliff.......it’s rained every day since she left. I guess the weather is a direct reflection of my feelings. I don’t cry....I just feel like a part of me is missing. I have been serenaded by Marvin, Curtis, Lenny, Gladys, Billie, Stevie, Celia, Chaka, and Roberta all day. They sing me to sleep...make me dance...keep me going through the day. I have talked to a lot of people in the past 2 days. Yesterday, I went to Walmart and guess who came up behind me and hugged me? My fuckin ex. I elbowed the hell out of him. That’s another reason why I don’t like being here….I really don’t feel like being bothered and every where I go someone seems to want to talk to me. I don’t want to talk….I want to get my shit and do what I got to do. Dammit leave me alone!!! He was tellin me how good I looked....mannn...I didn't need him to tell me that. Bama ass bama. Cream called me today….it was a pleasant surprise. I miss the conversations we used to have. That’s my brother from a different mother. Yesterday, I talked to Dawn too. I always feel good after I talk to her….she has positive energy (she tells me the same thing). We were talking about our futures and she told me “Cream, you are a star…the world just has to find out.” I got all teary eyed. the world is going to find out….its going to take a little time….but it is going to happen and when it does….damn yo.....im anxious. im hungry as hell......i need some food. in a minute...peace....cream out.

blah blah blah.......i wish i was doing something besides nothing. this is the most boring place in the world....to me. its not like nothing is goin on.....there is....its just things are going on that i dont choose to be involved in. its raining....i feel real sluggish. i slept until 11...i was on the phone until 2:30 am...listenin and relating to a friend's issues. it seems like everybody is callin me now....da kid feels loved. im worried about one of my friends.....she probably knows who she is without me sayin her name....ya need to call me yo. we need to talk. im worried about you. next...a friend of mine and i are goin to have a little get together....nothin really big...just 5 people. im all excited. its goin to be nice to be in the company of fam. we have a lot of catchin up to do. next....im goin to see my grandmother this weekend. i hope she doesnt bug me and ask me 50 billion questions cuz i am really not in the mood yo. i love her to death but i just want to chill.....be left alone. im actually a little excited cuz im goin to fix my aunt's comp. there is something about computers....maybe i should have been a computer science major. oh well....too late now. i refuse to start all over. criminal justice is what it is....computer science will come later. when i leave this earth, ill probably have a couple of degrees in addition to my doctorate. da kid loves to learn. yo....i feel the sudden urge to do housework.....im bored as hell. in a minute....peace.....cream out.

alone......well, im home and she's gone. before she left, i cried like i knew i would. nothin could prepare me for the way i felt when i kissed her for the last time for 2 months. i just know i have to stay focused til october 1st. next....home is, home. aint shit changed. i still feel like i dont have a home...this aint mine and its become more and more obvious that its not. this is just the place i was raised and the place my fam lives. nothing more, nothing less. when i move into my own place, its goin to be one of the happiest days of my life. just to know that its mine and i dont have to clean up after anybody else and i dont have to answer the phone or get off the phone or listen to anybody's shit cuz dammit its mine....is goin to be so wonderful. next....da kid has gained weight. i dont gain weight anywhere but my damn gut. i am goin to start doin some things so i can minimize this gut of mine that gets on my nerves....i need a change. next....the whole time i have been home, my dog has been following me around. im beginning to think that she is the only one that appreciates my presence. she looks at me like i am the queen of the universe. thats my baby tho....i luh her ass. next...woo told me that she likes it when i am in a good mood......shit, who doesnt. i just cant be cheery all the damn time....at least not right now. i have so much on my mind.....a lot more than i choose to tell people, so i cant be all peachy all the time. people always say that. yall think about this...have you contributed something to my mind or my spirit to inspire me to smile???? if not....dammit hush. next....this damn dial up thing is gettin on my nerves. dammit, i hate dial up but its goin to have to do for a month. its a part of my struggle. one day i will sit back and laugh at all this.....one day i will have what i need and most of what i want......i kow that day will be soon. btw....thanks for the love in the tagboard and the notes.....yall just dont know how much its appreciated. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

70 days........today is the day i have dreaded for 2 months......we hit the road at 5. i get tears in my eyes just thinking about leaving. this has been a learning experience....yall already know that. ive packed my stuff, now all i have to do is wash my hair and get dressed. anyway...(im gettin teary eyed), she is goin to stay with me for a couple of days. im goin to show her everything that i couldnt show her the first time she came to see me. the next time i post....i will be at my mother's house. she called me this morning, all excited.....im excited too in a way but im really not looking forward to the drama and the issues that come with being there. i already know that i am goin to be on the phone with woo all the time......just to keep my sanity. next.....i havent talked to a lot of people in my circle...mainly because i am not online that much. i miss my friends.....i hope they miss me. when i get back to my mother's house.....ill be able to call them FOR FREE. free long distance is a wonderful thing. yo...the clock is tickin...i need to get dressed......peace cream out.

in a minute.......i debated on deleting my last post all night. should i....shouldnt i? well, my conclusion is, im not. as much as i try not to write about me and her....i do. i write whats in my heart and my love for her is there along with a million other things. 3 days til i leave connecticut. i am shook. i have slept in her bed for 2 months. im used to her pulling me close to her while she sleeps and her snoring in my ears. im used to holding her locs when i sleep. im used to rubbing her stomach and giving her insulin. im used to pampering her when she doesnt feel good. im used to being with her. it will be at least 2 and a half months *insha'allah* til i see her again. when she leaves me this time, things will be much different than when she left me march. in march, it was the first time we met in person and it was only a weekend. my feelings for her are much stronger than they were then. we have been through so much. next.....my mother is excited about me comin back. i miss her, but i dont miss home. like i said before, its a toxic place for me. im glad that i will be seeing my brother and my niece. my niece is gettin so damn big. she makes me want to have a baby......not until i am 24 tho. next....im glad that i go back to school in a month. i am goin to hurry up and graduate so i can establish myself.....make my dreams reality. love is callin.......peace cream diga out.

to you aka creams ramblings part trois.......my hands are shakin...i can barely type...i can barely see...my eyes filled with tears. you are downstairs, basically because you dont want to listen. the relationship i had with her is past tense, you of all people should know that. i have told you over and over again about how we were and why we are no more. its over and never will be again. she is the past, you are my present and *insha'allah* my future. if it bothers you, i am willing to step back from the situation. im not sayin i wont be her friend....i just wont talk to her as much as i do. i know if the tables were turned, i would feel the same way. all i ask is that you do the same for me. as far as last night, i answered every question that i heard, i put that on everything i love.....i wasnt iggin you. next....when something is on your mind, let me know. you walkin around not talkin to me doesnt help the situation. how am i supposed to understand if i dont know whats wrong? how can i correct a problem that i dont even know exists? you dont know how much it hurts me when you just walk by me, like im a piece of furniture. like right now, i went to talk to you cuz i knew something was wrong by the way you were acting....i came to you and you wouldnt even look at me. that shit hurt me. it made me feel like i was just a chair or just a lamp. made tears come to my eyes....thats why i walked away. i wont let you see me cry anymore. i just want to be happy with you...like when we first laid eyes on each other. minus all the attitudes and all the bullshit and all the tears. just us, happy. i try my hardest to create a positive space for the both of us to dwell in together. i am givin this my all....everything in me and even some shit that aint. my eyes are burning.....eyes have had enough......peace...cream out.

freewriting.......eyes fixed on the ceiling...watchin the moon...sleep is not here...but you are...coupled but singled....in my soul....comes....this cravin...this need...that envelopes me...makes me need to be closer to you...to feel your heart on my fingertips...hear it whisper my name...and embed it into my mind...your hands slide from my hips to cupping my breasts...i arch my back...my nails rip yours...your tongue moves across my nipples...your kisses make me slightly delusional...i want you...tears fall...my feelins elusive to you...wanting you to ease this persistant pain....this throbbing i have from the core of my soul......to be loved. copyright (c) all rights reserved. peace.....cream out.

unexpressed frustrations.......im not home yet....will be there **insha'allah** on wednesday. im a little excited cuz so much has changed since i last saw my fam..not just with me, with them too. im goin to miss my girl...she gets on my damn nerves sometimes but i am goin to miss her ass. as soon as i get home, im gettin a job so i can save money to do the shit that i really need to do. i need to buy school shit and a train ticket to connecticut for october. i have learned a lot about myself since i have been here. im goin back to va, a different person. next....i havent written a poem in about 3 weeks. i have a severe case of writer's block. its not that i am not inspired...its just when i pick up my pen, it doesnt move. hopefully, it will come back soon cuz i miss writing....startin to feel like a fish out of water. my creativity has been flowing so maybe thats why i havent been writing. i have so many ideas....so much shit that i am goin to do and make and learn.....damn. i know this is a short post.......but i have some shit on my mind that i need to get straight. peace........cream out.

back to me......its been a minute....i find myself not writing in here as often as i used to. at one point, i wrote everyday. i just dont feel the need to write here if nothin is goin on. i get tired of writing the same shit. anyway, this week has been aight. me and woo went shoppin...copped some shoes and and an echo bag. we went to a casino too....i realized that i am not a gambler. when i dont win, i get salty as hell. i had fun watchin her win tho. next.....im lookin forward to working when i get home. i wont have to be around my mother's boyfriend...yay. plus, ther are some things that i want to do and get. im goin to make a list and as i do things, ill cross them out. it will be a link so yall can see. its goin to be kinda long so its goin to take me a minute. next.....i go back to my mother's house on friday. not really looking forward to it. that place is so damn toxic to me. all i plan to do is work, shop, and i might go to the club occasionally. other than that, i dont want to have any interaction with natives. next....me not havin a place to call home has been on my mind a lot lately. i used to try not to think about it but now, i cant help but think about it. its makin me work 100 times harder to establish my own shit. some place where i feel welcome and i dont feel like an outsider. some place that is mine.

hot pearl c……I have so much on my mind…this might be a long post so get a snack and something to sip on. A lot of things have triggered deep thought today. First, my job. Yo, I work for peanuts. I work my ass off and I can’t do anything I need to do with the money I make….its not even putting a dent in my list of needs. Like I said before, I wont have work study next year. I am trying not to be stressed but I cant help but be. I was planning on getting a job anyway but that’s not the point. Now it’s mandatory…I cant survive without one. I know I cant think about what other people have or what they do….cuz its not going to change shit but its just so fucked up that I have no help whatsoever. I have helped soooo many people my whole life and what have I gotten for it? Not a damn thing. I have sacrificed for others and I have not gotten anything out of it. Sometimes not even a thank you. Now where are ya’ll when I need ya’ll? ****Silence**** That’s what I thought. I’ve made it by myself thus far, shit ain’t changing now. Next, I had a conversation with Dawn when I came home from work. She told me something that really stuck with me…..she said “Do what makes you happy. Go where you want to go. Don’t live for someone else….live your life for you. ” Writing is my passion….I live, I breathe…..I even eat words. This criminal justice thing….is what it is. Don’t get me wrong, I like criminal justice. I just don’t believe that it is my calling. It’s my hustle. My talent is writing. Writing is what I like to do. I am going to work at this writing thing so I can pimp my words. I know that is my gift and I am going to give it my all….it’s time I master my craft. Dawn is my buddy and an inspiration. She’s that little voice of encouragement that I need. Third, my sides have been hurting all day. Every time I breathe, it hurts. I need a bubble bath, a deep tissue massage, and a cup of hot chocolate (yeah, I know its summer but if I turn on the AC you cant tell). I started writing a poem today about myself. It felt weird writing about myself but the shit just flowed. It starts out “I am the result of loneliness and vulnerability”. I was flowing until I had to start making breakfast at work….grrrrrrrr. Tired of being interrupted…my thoughts left unexpressed. Even though I have all this crap on my mind, I am anxious to go back to school. I need to be in an environment where I can flex my mental muscles. Plus, school is where I can truly be free….its my comfort zone. Enough writing for now, I need to go to bed. Peace and passion….cream out.

brand new........i was gettin ready for bed and felt the urge to write. so here i am. like the new layout??? that pic inspired me. marc baptiste is a beast!!!! let me know whatcha think. next....my 4th was aight.....missed my fam a little. yesterday, me and woo had the whole house to ourselves. we actually needed that. i go home in 2 weeks and im really not looking forward to it. i have noticed that i am at my best when i am alone....no fam, no girl, just me. today, i called the financial aid office to discover that i dont have work study next year. in a way, i am upset cuz im goin to miss it but on the other hand maybe its a sign that i need to move on to bigger and better things. i was planning on gettin a job when i got to school, now i know i am going to have to. next....a wave on nonchalance has come over me. im startin not to give a damn about anything unrelated to me. maybe, it will keep me stress free. next....i finally know how to cornrow. taught myself.....watched people for the longest and just tried it. people have tried to teach me....i cant learn that way. i have to do it myself.....without help. stubborn ass cream.....yeah i know. cream is gettin sleepy....ill holla lata. peace and red kool aid........cream out.

comfort zone.......i went to the ny pride parade on sunday. i had soooooo much fun. even met ja rule....*hmmmm*.....anyway, it was nice to be around peeps like me. me and woo walked hand and hand most of the time. it was cool to kiss in public without people staring at us like we were from pluto. i felt hella comfortable. we went to the pier.....mannn, if you have a denver nuggets throwback.....BURN IT. everybody and their momma had one on....and them damn jersey dresses. everybody looked the same. no individuality whatsoeva. chics were half naked....lookin like hookas. i felt like a queen amongst scallywags. i rocked a beige linen shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and some sandals. i rocked my fro too. i dyed my hair blonde the day before so it was bright as hell. me and woo stood out.....*evil laugh* to make the long story short, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. ny is so damn big....i wouldnt live there but i like it. that city will see me again when i make it. next....i have been feelin like everybody is treatin me like a kid.....like im a damn baby. im really hatin it yo. first of all, everybody in my circle knows that i DO NOT like bein told what to do...you can make suggestions, but dont eva tell me what to do. i am a grown ass womyn dammit. i admit, im stubborn and hard headed....love me or leave me the fuck alone. if you dont like me the way i am.....STEP.....simple solution. anyway, they treat me like i dont know what the fuck im doin alllll the time...truth be told, i have only been on this earth for 22 years but dammit i have been through much more than the average 22 year old. i listen to the advice that my elders give me but yo....when i feel like they are treatin me like a child....my ears are closed. i have 1 mother and 1 father....and neither one tells me what to do....they know and respect the fact that i am grown. so i damn sho aint gon let nobody tell me what to do. let me do me yo. next....july 1st, a day of new beginnings, at least for me. some changes are goin to occur...im not tellin what they are....just know that da kid is evolving. the blonde hair is just the beginning. peace and fried chicken wings........cream out.

child's play.....i have tried not to put too much on here about my relationship cuz yall want to read about me....at least i hope so....not about me and woo. plus, its not fair to her cuz yall will only read my side of things while her side never gets to be heard. now, i am makin an exception, cuz this has been on my mind all day. wanna hear it....here it go.....when i decided to commit to woo, i knew that she had children and if i was to accept and love her, i had to do the same to her children. her kids are cool...i had to get used to listenin for little footsteps at 2 am, takin care of a sick baby, not havin a damn thing to yourself...hearin mommy 50 billion times a day.....all that shit that comes with step-parenthood. i had no idea that her having children would affect our relationship as much as it has. its not a good or bad impact.....its a real impact. first of all, she is a single parent.....so there is no help whatsoeva. to make it more difficult, we are a lesbian couple (duh). out of respect for her children, we cant do the things that heterosexual couples do all the time. affection and attention is EXTREMELY....let me emphasize that.....EXTREMELY limited. sex has to be planned....which is NO fun at all. it sucks like a $2 hooka. there are many limitations......but this is what comes with her. i think the most high put me in this situation to learn patience....cuz right now, i have no patience....to put me in a real damn relationship where you have bills...kids...issues...not just sex, goin out, more sex, and all that sweet shit all the time......and to learn tolerance. at this point in my life, i dont think i could do what she does everyday....its like she plays superwoman. i mean, if i had to i would, but yo....id be a lunatic. i respect her a lot for doin what she does. but yo....it gets overwhelming at times for me....there are nights when i get so frustrated that i cry....there are times when i feel neglected....cuz i need some affection and some attention...not sayin that she has to be under me all the time....i need to be held sometimes. i want to be touched....i want my presence to be acknowledged occasionally. everybody needs to know that they are loved and appreciated, ya undadig, and i am one of those people that have to be reminded a bit more than others. i need to know that i matter.....that what i feel and what i do matters. my whole life i have.....sacrificed....gave people my all.....and it was never appreciated. when i am with you...im with you totally....and i am goin to give you my all, but the minute i feel uncomfortable or i feel like what i am doing or feeling is in vain, not appreciated, being noticed, or its one sided....i withdraw my feelings totally. thats just my way of protecting myself. next....i finally get a day off tomorrow. man, i am soooo tired. my feet hurt....i need a damn pedicure....i need a massage....i need rest. i want to chill in the ac, drink a glass of merlot, and just be easy. hopefully....ill get them tomorrow cuz dammit i need them all. well, thats enough for now....i need to shower. this damn heatwave aint no joke. peace and cool breezes....cream baby out.