ventin....#6,000,000....i am sittin here with tears in my eyes. there is so much i need to get out....whatever sanity i had left is officially gone. early this morning, i got so angry....so angry, my hands were shaking. i have never felt that way before in my life. i have been holding so much in for so damn long....tolerating shit that i shouldnt be, being quiet, overlooking shit.....i cant take it anymore. the shit is not healthy. I laid in the tub until my skin looked like a damn prune....thought long and hard about everything that i am feeling. i decided to write this....it was inspired by something that Belle did in her last post. i dont mean to hurt anybody's feelings but i am not and i will not apologize for how i feel.

C- I love you, you should already know that. You will never realize how much. Sometimes I feel excessive and taken for granted....like you feel like i am goin to always be here. There are some other things......but i will talk to you about them later. The way I treat you is a direct reflection of how I want to be treated. I am feeling so much right now and I need you to listen to me, not just hear me. Make love a verb and show me how you feel. You already know my past and how things have gone thus far. SHOW ME that you want to be a part of my future.

M- I love you, I always have. I wish you would get your life together and realize that sex isn’t everything and you can survive without being with someone. I don’t understand why you take so much shit in the name of a relationship. You taught me to be stronger than that, why can’t you take your own advice? I wish you would leave that no good man alone and just enjoy your own company rather than the company of someone that is verbally abusive.

L- I hate you because I love you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I wish I could say the same for you. I wish another was in your place so maybe I wouldn’t feel like this. I wish you would come and wipe almost 23 years of anger and pain away. I wish you knew how many nights I cried for you. I wish you knew how much you hurt me the last time we talked. I wish a lot of things but wishes are only granted by genies and I have yet to come across one.

B- I know I can talk to about anything and not be judged. Our conversations mean a lot to me. It’s funny how exes can become best friends. I’m going to do everything in my power to help you because I know that if the tables were turned, you would do the same for me.

#4- I thought all the damage you caused was gone. I just realized that I was wrong. You made me feel so many negative things. When we were together, I was a damn mess.....no self esteem whatsoever. I’ve cleaned up a lot of it, but there is still more to be cleaned up. Your actions spoke so much louder than your words. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel the way you did but the fact remains that you did. I wish you would admit it and apologize.

J- Thank you for coming into my life and doing what you did. It was the beginning of my true independence. You made me realize that I am a lot stronger than I thought and I have the strength to leave when shit isn’t right and the strength to be by myself rather than be with someone that doesn’t treat me right.

S- Every time I see you, I think of the times you hit me or choked me or the time you held me down and raped me. You made me feel worse than dog shit and being the naïve chic that I was, I let you do it. You had me feeling like you were doing me some kind of favor because you were with me. I remember every slap, every bruise, every woman you cheated on me with, every fucked up thing you said to me…I remember everything. I have forgiven you but I can not and will not forget everything you put me through. It still affects me, even now.

im goin for a walk.....i need do something......in a minute.....peace....cream out.