the fruit i long to taste.......i decided to apply to be an resident advisor (ra) today. think i would be a damn good one actually. i have been livin in this hell hole for 3 1/2 years now. the fact that i wouldnt have to pay for my room and board and my meal plan is a plus too. thats $3,000 a semester that will either go back to the loan company or go into my pocket. more than likely, its goin to go in my pocket. the first thing i would do, is tell my mom that i didnt get the money. about a week later i would have a new living room set sent to the house. my mom's furniture isnt bad...its just kinda crappy. we have had it since we moved into the house we are in now....7 or 8 years. she deserves new furniture. when she worked, she always tried to save for one, but something always came up so she had to spend the money she set aside. i want to make her smile. next...i am sending my resume to a friend of my great uncle...hes the head of the probation/parole thing at home. my uncle told me that i am guaranteed a job there this summer. im prayin that it will count towards my internship because work experience counts toward those hours. that means i would be finished with that internship crap this summer. plus, i get to show off my skills...i might be getting my foot in the door for a job there when i finish school. that is, if i dont go to grad school. still thinkin about it. speakin of my great uncle....i am makin it a point to go chill with my great uncle when i go home. he needs a kidney transplant...he adopted children, never had any of his own so i told him i would give him one of mine. i am an organ donor anyway. why not give an organ to someone that i know?? a lot of peeps dont understand...they all say i am crazy for even thinking about it. the big ? is, what if i need my kidney when i get older? well, here is my answer. i believe that everything happens for a reason and my life was written before i was born. the most high knows best. so, if i gave him one of my kidneys and one day, i needed a kidney, thats the most high's will. i wont question it because thats his/her will, just like me giving one of my kidneys to my uncle. if i am a match and he decides that he wants it, thats also the most high's will. so, im not worried about "what if". i am a strong believer in insha'allah. next, i am trying to go to summer school and 1 of the 2 colleges at home. i am soooo focused. i am tryin to hurry up and graduate so i can start doin the damn thing. start building a life for myself. yall, pray for me. next...my damn exes. yo, today must be "call ya ex" day cuz all of them bamas called me today. i dont mind latia callin me. its just them other bamas. talkin bout they miss me and they still love me. what da farfenugen eva. i advise yall to get the freak (tryin to stop cursin) over me and move on with your lives because i have definitely moved on with mine. next...a friend of mine is goin through some things. i want to be there for her. i want to take the pain out of her heart and replace it with happiness....she deserves it. she doesnt deserve the pain she is goin through. im goin to try my hardest to bring some light to her. she is my friend...so thats my job. next...i am goin to stop eatin beef. decided today. i want to eventually become a vegan. i think it will happen in about a year. my mind was sooo clear when i was a vegetarian. i miss that..so i am doin it again. before i forget...my explanation of fatty-bangin. ok..i am a big capone-n-noreaga fan. in one of their songs they said "fatty bangin, fatty bangin...she's cold bangin". they say it a lot actually. well, i am thick chic...thick to most, fat to some. when i was younger, it used to bother me when people used to call me fat. now that i am older...my view has changed. i dont give a damn if you think i am thick, fat, whateva. freak a damn diet. i will not starve myself to try to live up to other peoples standards of beauty. i embrace my fatty. i love my pot belly dammit. yo, peeps can say i am fat..but thats all they can say. i am pretty, from what i hear and from what i know. i wear this very well. i am very well put together...neva sloppy looking. i am highly intelligent. i am a beautiful person. so, since thats all they can say...ill be that fat girl. you cant front tho...this fatty is bangin. aight...this post is long....im gone to bed. peace.

at your best you are love......damn i must be flyyy...this weekend was...different. oh, speakin of different, this post was supposed to be the different one....but someone is not on her job *cough* woo *cough*. so, the "different" post will happen one day...dont know when...but it will happen. anyway, i went shoppin this weekend. found this store that is similar to burlington coat factory...got my mom and my niece some clothes. got me a skirt. couldnt really find anything i like. cant wait until i get a sewing machine....create my own shit that i know for a fact nobody else has. i am goin to do something to that skirt...it looks too plain. its a denim skirt with a split up the front. i might have to bleach it or spray dye on it.....anything to give the damn thing some life. im bringing home soooo much stuff for my fam. i spoil them and i enjoy every minute of it. cream neva comes home empty handed. i went into the dollar store and found this soap called camay. when i was little, my mother used to buy camay all the time. thats when it was in the store next to dove. i used to think it was smelled soooo good. when i smelled it, it reminded me of baths in the big clawfoot tub in my old house. i bought 2 bars...they were 50 cents each. im goin back to get more soon. its amazin what you find in a dollar store. next...4 days til i see my fam and my stinka. feelins havent changed....im not nervous. the situation with her is so much different from the other 2 relationships i was in. its mature....its healthy. its like a breath of fresh air. i feel like i could barely breathe during both of my relationships with my exes and now that i am with her....i can breathe easy....breathe freely. i am in a relationship with someone that appreciates me....all of me. i found a woman with a fully functioning brain and dammit she uses it and she shares her knowledge and wisdom with me. finally found someone that has something to add to my mental table. she woos me. she intrigues me. she.....yall know the rest. happy 1 month anniversary to my stinka. im so proud to be your woman. i cant wait to lay in the bed with you and listen to duke and john coltrane's "in a sentimental mood" and just......be. aight...enough of the sappy shit....next...my smelly mood is been downgraded to slighty stank....thanks to jae, artiste, chay dub, and stinka. i feel a lot betta than i did a couple of days ago. just had some negative energy around me...im fine now. aight....im sleepy as hell. goin to bed. ill holla back lata. in the words of artiste....peaceezy.

ooooh nuthin......im not even goin to talk about how anxious i am to be goin home or how excited i am to finally be with my stinka. more than likely she will be home before i get there. the whole ride home, i am goin to be sleepin....i gotta rest up for my stinka. nah, im bullshittin. i am goin to be sleepin tho. not because of her....because i know i am not goin to get any sleep next week. i have 3 midterms and a paper next week. plus, i gotta clean my room, make cds for my fam, do laundry, get my nails and toes done, dye my hair, and go shoppin for a new outfit to wear to the club. (its still on dub) so, da kid wont be sleepin very much. i look at it like....those are the hurdles i have to jump so i can get home to my fam and my stinka. next...why in the hell is it that now that i am in a relationship....peeps are on my clit??? comin out of the cracks like roaches. when my light was on and i wanted to be in a serious relationship....they ran and hid. when i turned my light off and hung up my availability hat....they haulin ass out the cracks. *smh* its cool tho. im flattered......im taken tho. next...my stress level has not been downgraded. i havent been drinkin any merlot....still got some left. im bein a good girl tho.....havent cussed anybody out....been tempted to tho, i aint gon lie. i am so tired of my job. well, not really my job...its the secretary i work with. im not goin to go into it real deep....she just makes me wanna kick her repeatedly. cant wait til i graduate so i can tell her to suck mi rasssss. the way shit is goin with my stupid ass school...who knows when that will be...a year...a year and a half....i dont know. aint thinkin bout it right now....im focused on right now. i know this is a short post....i gotta study for my damn history midterm. my next post is goin to be...different. *evil laugh* here is my laugh for the day. lata.

landslide.....i cant wait for spring break. i know yall are tired of hearin it but dammit....its the truth. so much is goin on at 1 time...its hectic. i must be on a damn red alert cuz shit is gettin to me. im more emotional than usual. im in a new relationship, a full time stressed out college student, an artist with no time to create, and I am tryin to live my life. sometimes, like today, i get real frustrated. i walked from work with tears in my eyes....all the way home. i know i have to be strong but i am tired of bein strong. tired of school. tired of the people that i work with (i want to slap the piss out of some of them). tired of workin a job that dont pay shit. tired of needed shit and not bein able to get it. tired of bein taken for granted. tired of bein tired. last night, i got a bottle of merlot. drank a glass and chilled. i havent drank in a minute...so i know i am real damn stressed. next...i said i wasnt goin to talk about me and my girl on my blog cuz you can never hear her side of things but dammit...im makin an exception today. when we talk, ill post her feelins about the situation. aight here are mine.....the one time i needed her to listen....she wasnt there. i dont talk about my issues....the real personal ones....to anybody. i was ready to pour my heart to her and she wasnt there. as my woman, i need her to be there for me. i need her to listen to me....not just hear me. i need her to undadig my feelins. i need her to be my woman. im finna take a hot shower, sip my last glass of merlot, and go to bed. peace.

stopped combin my mind so my thoughts can lock......i am in the midst of an evolution of myself...vibin...listenin to basin street blues by miles...sippin on some orange juice...smellin like nubian musk and cocoa butter...another night alone. dont get it fucked up...i am enjoyin my own company.....aint nothin like ya own...cuz i neva disappoint myself. i always can depend on my good ol' self (self i luh you) to stimulate my senses...make me feel this jazz comin out of my speakers....sendin my mind on a rhythmic trip...makin every centimeter of my body relax. uhhh ohhhhh...i feel a freestyle comin.........you are my flame and my light.....i burn for you like a perfectly rolled spliff....takin your mind on journeys...journeys into the depths of yourself....igniting instant intoxication....upliftin your mind into the ionosphere...takin you higher....into a permanent state of bliss...extinguishing your voracious mental munchies with exquisite cuisine ....made fresh from my soul's kitchen....feedin ya cerebellum more than any before me....i soothe your cerebral hemisphere's state of thirst by givin you a tall glass of water from my well of life experience....copyrighted foreva by cream baby. for all yall bitin muhfuckas. thats all for now folks. had more....forgot it..my mind moves much faster than my hands lil daddy. next.....my ex has been callin me a lot lately. talkin to her doesnt bother me anymore...she used to urk da shit out of me...like the sound of her voice used to make me wanna scream....i guess when i accepted her as she was...faults, issues, and all and let go of all the anger and bitterness i had for her....she aint so bad. she doesnt irritate me half as much as she used to. dont get me wrong....she irritates me sometimes. she aint no exception....errbody irritates me at some point. when i talk to her, i wonder how we were ever in a relationship. we are total opposites....like i said before, those opposites attracted us, but they also broke us up. you know how people say "we werent on the same page". me and my ex werent in the same book. it was like...jill scott datin da brat....it just didnt work. now, we both are involved and both happy....we are cool as hell now....she inspires da kid to laugh and maybe she came back into my life for that reason. da kid needs some laughter in her life....school is pissin me off. 13 days til sunrise. i need a fuggin break...i need some time not think about anything school related. next....in....my....solitude....billie is singin me asleep. i wish i could have met her, marvin gaye, and bob marley. i would have billie sing while i wrote and we would talk about havin the blues, i would sip merlot and play in bob's locs while he smoked a spliff while he told me all about haile selassie, the places he performed, and who inspired him to write "waiting in vain", and me and marvin would sing every song on his "here my dear" album and talk about love and the state of this world. i can always dream...dammit. *today's lesson*: the key to havin patience is findin somethin else to do while you wait. aight....thats enough fo now. ill holla.

guess whos bizzzzack......my muhfuckin smelly like fresh shit mood. thats right ladies and gentlemen.....its back. what brought it back? dont know lil daddy, all i know is at approximately 9:00 pm....i felt it. i felt the chill of shittyness come over me. so....this is ya damn warnin. come at me wrong and i will definately pull yo card, cuss you out, and probably hurt ya feelins. well, thats how it is anyday.....now, my flippin meter is a lot more sensitive than usual. get it? got it? good. next....i had to write a fuggin paper today....i should have started it early but noooooo....cream didnt feel like it. i got my info for my paper last night and wrote it today. even tho it was stressful as hell to write it today...i dont regret it cuz last night, i had the best convo wit my buddy artiste. wheneva i want to have a deep convo or a good convo period, i know i can count on my buddy artiste. we see eye to eye on a lot of things. neva thought id see the day that id meet someone and we could talk for hours about either some issue with "substance" or talk about bullshit...and i would always feel full after the convo. my mind feels full like ya stomach does after sunday dinner. im glad you are in my space suga. next...2 weeks until i go home. 2 days ago, i felt different than i do now. im not nervous about meetin my girl. i mean, if shit is real....and its definitely real on my end.....i aint got nothin to worry about. she is hella cool but we have a lot of crap to work on. nothin serious....we're past the "representative stage"......we are at the "you are makin me feel" stage. next....i am learnin a lot about myself still....and i guess its startin to show. everybody knows i am very easily irritated and i am also real quick to say fuck it and fuck you. if i am in a situation and i get irritated and nothin is done to soothe my irritation....like alcohol to a mosquito bite....im out. im not goin to stay in an uncomfortable spot. i aint gonna be scratchin these damn mosquito bites while ya ass is holdin the alcohol in front of me. if you dont give it to me.....im goin to go somewhere and get some. feel me? yo right now...im feelin hella uncomfortable...like a size 16 chic in a pair of size 7 jeans. where da alcohol??? next.....people have just been gettin on my damn nerves.....makes me just want to unplug my phone and neva come out my room. everybody seemed to be going slow as shit today. i wanted to scream GET THE MOLASSES OUT YA ASS!!!!!! then, people sayin dumb shit in history class...like civil war was fought to free the slaves. what the fuck eva!! read the damn book dumb ass. damn abe said the only way he would free the slaves was to save the union. he didnt give a fuck about us...all he cared about was the damn union and if that meant freein black people...then thats what he was going to do and if he could save the union and not free the slaves, he would do that. i am soooo fuckin heated at my history teachers in the past. had me thinkin this bastid freed the slaves cuz he thought the institution of slavery was wrong. hell to da nah. fucca emancipation proclaimation.....we werent even citizens of this bitch until the 14th amendment and we still werent treated like citizens. *gettin heated* yo, i will continue this tomorrow.....i am irritated entirely too much to be writin....i need sleep and a glass of merlot. peace.

underneath it all.....da kid is sick again. dammit....i knew i shouldnt have slept with my window open when it was 20 degrees outside. now, i sound like weezie jefferson when i wake up in the mornin....i know my baby be like dayyyyuuummmm. im so friggin tired of the winter....when it gets hot ill be in a pissy mood after about a month. da kid likes it about 60-80 degrees. anything below or above that....makes me grumpy. like when its 90 degrees....peeps dont see me until the sun goes down....and they might not see me then. next...my mom called me and told me that my cousin got robbed at gun point on his way home from school. he wasnt hurt...all they got is $20...yada yada yada. i mean, im glad he is ok....but there is a bigger issue there. well, he is 16 years old and has always been feminine. his mother, aunts, and grandmother used to dress him, let him play in their clothes, and let him stay under women all the time. everybody thinks he's gay but dammit i know the boy is gay. my gaydar went off the last time i saw him. *whoop whoop* he has more twist in his ass than i do. anywhoo, they act like they dont see it....they dont talk about it. they mask the whole situation. maybe they think if they dont talk about it or act like its not there....itll go away. well, what the fuck eva. i asked my mom....why was he walking home from school? why wasnt his ass on the bus? he doesnt ride the bus anymore because the kids pick on him and call him every derogatory name ever invented for gay men. so, he walks home from school. i feel sorry for him yo. i do. i believe that it is much harder being a homosexual male than being a homosexual female. he's been beat up, picked on, harassed...all because of his sexuality. his fam is not supportive at all....i know the minute he comes out...he'll be disowned. my fam is like that. so that brings the spotlight on da kid. im not out completely in some people's opinions. *like i really give a damn* i told everyone who i wanted to know....my mom, my brother, cream, and a few other peeps. my sexuality is not a secret....i wouldnt deny it if someone asked me...i would probably say "what the fuck you want to know for...nosey muhhhfucka? that is under the file titled NONE OF YA GOTDAMN BIZNESS....DAMMIT" i dont feel like its everybody's business. nor do i feel like i should broadcast it either. ATTENTION...I AM A LESBIAN. SO THE FUCK WHAT!!!! who gives a damn yo. i mean, really. yo, i dont give a single solitary fuck about someone's sexual preference....i have too much shit on my mind to be worried about if jim is fuckin tom or if jane is fuckin susie or if they are all fuckin each other. fo realla. there is sooooo much more to me as a person than my sexuality. i am a lesbian...but it does not and will not define me as a whole. *gettin off my soapbox* next...spring break. i need a friggin break. im meetin my booboo head for the first time. im nervous as hell. on a scale from 1-10, im nervous about a 8. contrary to popular belief, i am shy and quiet. im that red head girl that sits all the way in the back of the class, the girl sittin at the bus stop with a pen and a composition book writing, the girl that hums billie holiday one minute and raps with project pat the next, that girl that is thick like country gravy that you cant help but pause...and then stare cuz she rocks it so damn well....im that chic that you pass everyday....that you probably wouldnt even notice if it wasnt for that damn red hair and that ice grill like *muhfucka if you come at me wrong...i will fuck you up* im like a cheetah....i will lay down and chill, you might not even notice me...but approach me right and stroke me (my mentals...get ya minds out the gutta dammit)......ill be loyal til the end. but come at me wrong....and ill flip on ya ass. aight....now that i have had my conceited moment.....im gone to get some orange juice and some cough drops so i can stop soundin like weezie jefferson. lataaaaaaaaaa.

i am who i am, doing what i came to do, acting upon you like a drug or a chisel to remind you of your me-ness, as i discover you in myself....im gettin tired. newness is starting to wear off...the reality of it has presented itself. i feel so.....its like....expecting to get some manolo blahnik boots and only gettin a pair of payless plastic boots. its my bad...i always get my hopes up....maybe this time will be significant....maybe this time will be the last....maybe, maybe, maybe.....always them damn payless plastic boots. tired of wearin them damn boots...they hurt my feet....make me walk funny....an uncomfortable draggin kinda walk....dammit im ready to stroll. next....i walked to the library in the pourin rain. i stopped by the student center and got my usual mocha java and hot chocolate mix and went to the library. i spent 2 hours in there...im like a chickenhead in a hair store when i go to the library. my brain has been starvin lately. so has my notebook. my mind is constipated with words....they are in there....they just cant get out. maybe its because i havent been exercisin my brain as much as i used to. when i was little, i used to carry this pink stonewashed denim bag everywhere i went. its contents were, a notebook, my red pen, some candy (to deter me from chewin my pen caps when i think, which i still do), and 2 books (i read 2 books at the same time all the time). i would read and write all the time. make weekly trips to the library. i want to get back to that. my brain is cravin knowledge like it was when i was younger....so its time to get back to that. like my buddy artiste.....im goin to get back to me. back to my quintessential self. next...less than a month until i go home for spring break. of course....i cant wait. i have some things planned with my fam. cant wait to be in the presence of people that i know love me and care about me. people who value my presence.....who actually want to hear my poetry, essays, and my dreams.....people who inspire me to smile cuz i know that they only have good intentions and they only want to see me happy. people that are sincere in their words....words that are always truth...neva bullshit. people that are loyal to me...will ride with me on this journey of life and make me neva look back. damn...is there such a place and do people like that exist???? if there is and if they do......SPEAK AND BE HEARD.....APPEAR AND BE SEEN......cuz i am weary. out.

where da hot sauce an shit......my mind has been soooo open today. was goin to post about errthang i learned about the nat turner and gabriel prosser insurrections....ill do that lata....got some ish on my mind. chilren. i know as a woman, i am supposed to have kids. besides that, i actually WANT to have kids one day. ive never dated a woman with kids until now. well, yes i have but she wasnt around her child very often (she worked a lot). its a different experience. i mean, i have babysat kids...i took care of my brother like he was my child..shit, i take care of my niece like she is my child.....but this is something totally different. not different in a bad way. just different. something i have to get used to. my woman has 2 kids...her son is 9 and her daughter is 2. i want to get to know them better since im gettin to know their mother and they are a part of their mother's life just like me. maynn....i dont know what to say sometimes. yo, i was just brought up totally different from anyone i know. my mother was hella strict and didnt take no shit. she would not hesitate to whup my ass like i was a stranger. call it abuse....i call it keepin me from bein a damn spoiled ass rotten ass heathen like some of these peeps out here. in all honesty, i think i will raise my kids almost the same way my mother raised me. my issue is...i cant tell someone how to raise a child cuz i dont have children of my own. true indeed......but i am planning on having some of my own. a couple of them bamas. the fact remains that i dont have children of my own right now. so, i have to keep quiet when it comes to other people's kids. like, the 2 1/2 year old child my mom babysits....i would have whipped his ass. how the hell can this little bama say "i'ma gangsta yo...holla back" but his ass wont tell nobody when he has to go to the bathroom. what kind of shit is that? *frustrated face* that wont be my child yo. first of all, i am not birthing no future fabolous or *insert a wack ass mc's name here______________*. that shit aint cute....tell me what color the teletubbies are or spit some spanish that you learned from dora the explorer....dammit. second, my child will tell you he has to go to the bathroom cuz i aint cleanin up no shit. maynn, if he/she has an accident, they might as well walk they little ass in the bathroom and change their own pull up, draws, or whateva. when he/she has to clean up that stankin shit....they will tell the whole damn world they have to use the bathroom. call it what you want...but i wont have a shitty assed, unpotty trained, 2 1/2 year old that cant piss in a pot but knows all the words to the new jay-z song. i know, i know mean ass cream....but cream luhs the kids. i do lil daddy. aight, thats it fo now. i need to take my ass to bed. 2 fingas in the air like a playa.

so fly, so flyyyyyyy......these dreams yo....these dreams have me weak. for those of you who read this often....you know what dreams i am referring to. for you newbies....i have been havin dreams of me being famous...a supastar...almost every time i dream. its ill yo....i know in my heart that i will be famous one day. for what, i dont know. all i know is its goin to happen. i am hungry for it yo. i am going to finish my undergrad and get my masters...thats my future cuz my supastardom might not last. just bein realistic. you know how someone is the hottest out and then the next year....nobody remembers them. well, i aint plannin on it. they are neva goin to forget that short redhead chic with the ill poetry, the bangin ass clothing line, the tightest movie of the century, the owner of the restaurant with the most yummy food, the author of several books...im limitless yall. i have so many things i want to do. so many things i am going to do. i am goin to have a busy life. i refuse to just exist. next....today was aight. it rained, sleeted, and snowed. the weather is a trip. im glad we aint got mad snow like up north. its floodin here tho. every school in the state was cancelled except for mine. pissed da kid off. i sucked it up and walked to class in the rain and snow...thinkin, when i get my degree, this will all be worth it. all the sleepless days and nights...all the writing 15 page papers and the professors not even reading them....walkin to class in the damn snow....payin almost $500 for books every semester...yo, i could go on and on but yall get the point. then, when my dreams become reality.....damn yo. i cant even speak on it anymore. i get tears in my eyes when i just THINK about it. how did i get back to that....next...i have 1 month until i see my fam, my big brova (you are a mean troll lil daddy), and my womyn. its a beautiful thing lil daddy. i am plannin surprises for all my peeps i am goin to see ova spring break. sooooo, be prepared. and hell nah.....i aint tellin you what it is. it wouldnt be a surprise if i told you. plus, i got a surprise for one of my friends that is goin through some things. she is one of my closest friends...gotta cheer her up. cant have nobody in my space hurtin, depressed, upset, etc. we all gravy in this piece. aight...goin to bed. need sleep for tomorrows workout. peace.

previous cats......yeah, i know its been a minute. this week has been for a lack of a better word....different. for a minute, i was resisting a rest....then i said fuck it, i need a break. i havent lost my focus nor has my focus changed. i needed some time to adjust to my new situation. i was formally invited to the grand re-opening of someone's heart and i accepted. in case you are slow, da kid is officially spoken for. i thought about it a lot.....even lost sleep cuz i thought so much. i have evolved so much...i finally got my mind right and my heart is free. the contents of my bag of past are somewhere decomposing. yo, for the first time in my life, i entered a relationship with someone and i didnt have any baggage with me. i look at my exes and people i have talked to in a different light. thank yall for comin in my life and teachin me shit (consciously and unconsciously). if i didnt go through the bullshit i have been through...i wouldnt have been prepared for this. now, this is also the first time i got into a relationship with someone like my former self. i can relate to my exes now....aint that some shit??? i am not sure how i am goin to handle it to be totally honest. all i know is i am goin to approach the situation different from the way my exes did. today, i got so salty with her....i kept my cool tho. i thought for about 2 hours and came to a this.....i can relate to how she is feeling cuz i definitely have been there. i was scared of gettin hurt, always worried that someone was cheatin on me or tryin to play me...cuz my exes did it. so, i cant get upset with her for feelin the way she does. she has to see me for me for the relationship to work. all i can do is be there for her and show her love. the rest is up to her. she has to let go of the past if she wants me to be in her future. i dont live in the past and i cant be with someone who lives there. next.....i go home in a month. cant wait. i miss my fam. i am soooo ready for real food. this cafeteria food is goin to be the death of me. nasty shit. anywhoo, i miss my big brova. we are goin out when i get home...a double date. cool huh? next.....da kid has caught a cold. all this damn rain and snow has me sick. so, im finna take some advil cold stuff, listen to miles, and take my ass to bed. peace.

soul from the abyss...sista soul......woke up this mo'nin feelin rested and refreshed. no school, no homework, no gym, no work. finished my 5 day gym thing. yaaay me. im anxious to go next week. thursday, i was sore as hell...i could barely walk straight. im aight now tho. by the summer, i should be where i want to be. im goin to start gettin up at 8:30 to go to the gym. yeah i know....cream gettin up before 10?? i have to....i dont like goin in the evenings....its always too crowded. today, i conversed with the most amazing person. i saw her in the chat room a lot but we never really talked. we would say what up to each other but we would never have a deep conversation. well, i went in the chat room (which i dont do too much anymore) and we had a deep convo finally. im feelin her vibe...like thick. next....yo, i cant explain why i feel soooo weak and strong at the same time. my heart feels like its not effected by gravity...like its weightless.....not heavy anymore. at the same time, its overflowin with love. todays lesson: love isnt heavy...it doesnt make you feel sluggish like the way you feel after you eat thanksgiving dinner. love is an limitless process that you never get full off of. *cheesin like a muhfucka* next...everybody got their music i sent them. my granny called me and it sounded like chuuuch in her room. she loves the cds i made for her.....i might have to send her some more just to make her happy. i love to make her happy. and it didnt take much...maybe cuz it came from me. i am my granny's baby....i know. dawn called me....she is soooo sweet. she inspires me everytime i talk to her. i am so blessed to have intelligent, positive, people in my life. before i forget...thanks for the love tira, diana, sarita, jett, and last but not least artiste. im glad yall peepin me. if you havent left your mark and you are feelin me....please do so. the box is on the left. let yourself be seen. da kid needs to study....ill holla. peace.

days like this....i need a candle lit bubble bath and some honey soap with some billie holiday playin and someone there to wash my back and rub me down with shea butter before i go to bed. today was ok...class was cancelled so no juvy justice for me. i went to the gym...day #2....felt good as sex after a long drought. im tryin my hardest to keep with this gym thing....cant slack off. cant let my focus change. i have grown so much in the past month. im determined to keep this at peace feeling a part of my life forever.....of course, sometimes i get emotional. sometimes i get real salty. sometimes....i scream. ive been startin to peel away layers of shit and ive discovered that if you let shit pile up and you dont clean it up.....you will have a big shitty, stinky, nasty ass mess that will take a long time to clean up. im in the process of cleanin all my shit up. i call it operation poo. next....my brother got a new car. im happy for him...now he can find a permanent job. ive been feelin kinda funny about my fam lately. i guess that is another situation that i need to step back from. i would give my all for my fam and i expect that they would do the same for me. lately, ive been feelin like i am being taken for granted tho. been feelin like i dont matter in their lives. i felt like this when i first came to college and had been feelin like that for some years before. this time, im not going to let it break me. ayyyyy support this. that means all pepsi stuff...mountain dew, lipton iced tea, slice, fruit works, dr pepper, aquafina, sierra mist, and mugs root bear. plus kfc, pizza hut, taco bell, and red lobster. todays lesson: when whoeva said money is the root of all evil....he/she was tellin the damn truth. money changes everything. blood or water becomes irrelevant when it comes to green. goin to bed.....lata.

natural high.....damn..im on a roll. back to back posts....whoa. today was cool. woke up, went to class...no 11:00 class on wednesday or friday. that made my week. i puked my lunch up....damn cafeteria food. went to the gym for 30 minutes.....worked my ass off too. the stairmaster is the machine from hell. my legs are sore as hell but no pain....no pam grier in the 70's body. well....not that exactly. more like this or this. pam is much taller than me. me and ol girl are the about the same height. my thighs are thicker and my melons are bigger....the ass is the same. hopefully it doesnt go anywhere. i just want to get rid of this gut and tone up everything. im goin to go to the gym 5 days a week for at least 30 minutes. i have started to do all of the things that i said i would.....im focused mannnn. i mailed off those cds...enjoyed the walk to the post office. it was about 60 degrees, cloudy, with the smell of rain in the air. made me want to walk more often. i hope the peeps enjoy their music....cuz that is my good deed for the month. no more. next....had a convo with a friend of mine....learned a lot. she and i have a lot in common. more in common than what i thought before we had before that conversation. she intrigues me....which i like. even tho its not on that "ima holla" level....she keeps my attention. not too many people do. if i want an honest opinion, i know i can talk to her and she will tell me da bizness with no bullshit attached. she is definately someone i would like to keep in my space. she makes me feel yellow...not neon yellow....canary yellow. (place that in your mental pipe and smoke it) next...jealousy. in my past relationships, i was real jealous, due to insecurity with myself. i have been over that. i luh myself. cant be with someone that doesnt love and respect themselves. u gotta respect and love yourself before i can. so if you are real insecure and lack self love and self respect.....dont waste your time or mine. aight? alrighty then. need to do some homework, take a shower and wash my hair, and then i finally get to listen to the rain until i go to sleep.......holla.

damn..that chic is crazy..........right now, i have a headache from the depths of hell. it feels like someone is bangin my brow bone with an ax. i made cd's all day today. some may think its crazy but none of them were for me. i promised someone i would make them and mail them in december.....just havent had the funds to do it. so now that da kid has a little change in her pocket, shes doin it. my word is blood....if i say im goin to do something i do it. i made cd's for other peeps too. i was in a giving mood so why not. ill put a smile on someone's face next week. those are my good deeds for the month of february. next....my brother is gettin back $1500 from taxes. im not gon front....i wish i had that money. if i had $1500, the first thing i would do is take myself out to dinner at ruby tuesday. id get a creole catch, a salad, and a blue lagoon megarita. id give my mom some money, get me a pair of boots, and save the rest for one of those "im pissed so im going shoppin" days. he deserves the money tho....he has a daughter. so, i hope he enjoys it. next...my grandma called me to vent. im her personal shrink. she was cussin about somethin and i had to hold in my laughter. yo, it is so funny to hear my granny cuss....."them muhthafuckas aint worth shit" just glad she wasnt cussin at me.....she neva has tho. cream can do no wrong in her granny's eyes. next....da kid is tired of cafeteria food already. since da kid is poor....sometime this week im goin to the grocery store and get a cheap bottle of merlot, a can of smoked oysters, a big bottle of texas pete, and some gummy bears. that will make my day...doesnt take much huh? one day i want to try a cigar...cammie was tellin me about them. ima see what the big damn deal is. *mood update* i am still in my mood....aint shit changed. i took a "what wine are you" quiz.....

If I were a wine I would be...


This quiz was created by Krazy K. Take it here!

hehehe....you know it. goin to bed...gotta get up and take my ass to the gym tomorrow morning. peace......lataaaaaa.

ne me quite pas........i have been in an anti-social mood for the past couple of days. i havent been feelin "people". just wanna be by myself in my little room. like i said in my last post.....i need some space. so, if im my attitude is a bit smelly, you have been warned. next....the basketball game was off the hook. we lost tho. we have a deaf player on our team. i was gettin mad cuz the bitch that was guarding her was foulin the fuck out of her. its not like she could yell at her or the refs. i wanted to go out there and cuss the chic out for her. yo, i didnt know coaches are so evil. damn, they were yellin at the players like they wasnt shit. they are some evil trolls. thats why cream didnt play basketball. well, and the fact that i am short and never had any interest in playing. im thinkin about playin women's rugby for my school. i wanted to play football in high school but my mom wouldnt let me. rugby is a lot like football.....a little more dangerous tho. even if i dont play, im determined to start working out again. diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family, so i need to do something. i want to live a longggggg time. went into the chatroom for the first time in a while and met someone interesting...she and i had a long convo. she is a poet also. there is something about conversing with someone that likes to play with words as much as i do that makes me feel all peachy. needless to say, my mind got fed. thats a beautiful thing lil daddy. next....i wish it would rain....i would cut off all my lights and light my favorite candle. i would lay in the middle of my floor and listen to the rain until i fell asleep. i can always wish....bout to lay in my bed and listen to billie until i fall asleep.

float on my cerebellum.......i have been real irritable lately. well, shit, im always irritable...its just 10 times worse now. i dont scream or anything....actually im calm as hell. im in a "leave me the fuck alone unless i invite you in my space" mood. im not tryin to be mean.....just need some space. after work, school, and homework, da kid does not want to hear bullshit. dont take it personal.....just holla back and maybe...just maybe, ill be in a better mood. a friend of mine called me today and told me that she is going to mail me my christmas present and my birthday present. yaaaayyy. she knows i luuuuhhhhh presents. she just wont tell me what they are. i cant wait to get them. speakin of presents.....spank you verrrrryyyyyy hard for my spoken word book jae!!!!!! now, if only i could get time to actually sit down and read the damn thing. im going to make time. father update.....his bastid ass called. we talked. shit still aint changed with him....same shit, different toilet. excuse after excuse. the only difference is my approach. to put it mildly, i dont give a fat monkey's hairy ass if he calls or if he doesnt. next...reality slapped me today with this.....there are so many people out there that luh me and care about me. thank yall soooooo much. i know who yall are. wish all of us could get together and have a big ass creamfest. that sounded kinda freaky.....movin on. im goin to a womens basketball game tomorrow.....my first one. *heheheh* ima have fun...i know it. peep this shit.....i went to a chinese new year celebration. it was a building program....dont usually go but i went. they said it would have chinese food. so, of course i go...free chinese food....hell to da yeah. listened to all this shit for an hour.....chinese new year...a damn skit with people who could barely speak english.....blah, blah, blah. so, when it was over, me and my friend went to the food table. *gettin heated* why in the hell....was it some boiled brown eggs and some things that looked like soggy turtle eggs. yoooo, i was heated. i watched this borin ass shit so i could eat some general tsos chicken or some shrimp fried rice, not no damn fear factor food. people was eatin the shit too. i was like HELL TO DA MUHFUCKIN NAHHHHHHHH. i came back to my room hungry as hell. i got my mouth all ready for some real chinese food and then it was that fear factor shit. i gotta go to bed....big day tomorrow. everyday is a big day. anywhoo.....peace.

the light.....today, i woke up to the burgundy light on my face....when the sun comes through my curtains....it makes my room look burgundy. for some reason...i felt like today was going to be significant. dont know why...just did. beginning......my friend got a car today so we went to the mall, walmart, and the grocery store. it was real cool. had fun. bought my mother some thing for valentines day, bought me some undies to add to my collection (yes a collection), and some envelopes. nothing major. came back to my room...there was a message from my fathers girlfriend saying he was trying to call me and that he would call me later on. cool beans. i rinsed my hair..i cant stand it if my red is not vibrant....and chilled. my father called. the conversation started off aight...then of course it got bad. we disagree on a lot...he says we have a lot in common. how in the hell can you tell me that we have a lot in common when you dont know me? this muhfucka doesnt even know my favorite food...my favorite color...my hobbies....nothing. and the fucked up part about it is....its his fault he doesnt know. then, we talked about him paying back child support. he owes my momma a lot of money...so much money, she would be somewhat wealthy if she got it. this bastid made it seem like, he doesnt owe her shit. like it was her choice to raise us and take care of us by herself. that was the point when i got heated. so heated, i started crying. i have never cried when i was on the phone with him. i would always wait but yo, i couldnt hold it. its like my childhood flashed before my eyes....not having a christmas tree or anything to put under one, not being able to go on field trips cuz ma didnt have the money, having the lights cut off.....( i know how to cut your lights and your water back on if they get cut off....thats not some shit i should know), not having a muthafuckin thing in the fridge but was happy as hell cuz we still had a home....i could go on and on. my momma worked 3 damn jobs...almost worked herself to death. she needs a heart transplant and here this muhfucka is saying that it was her choice to work like a damn dog. he asked me what is me being bitter solving. i have a damn right to be bitter and hell no i am never goin to let that shit ride.....hell nah. if his sorry ass was a man....i wouldnt have grown up like i did. i know it could have been a lot worse....but dammit it could have been a whole lot better. anyway, just when shit started gettin real heated, he said, "i'ma call you back." i sat in the middle of my floorin holding my phone....waiting for it to ring. i waited 2 hours. finally i had to go wash my rinse out of my hair...so i left. i stood in the shower and cried until my eyes ached. i came back in my room....no messages on my answering machine.....did something i havent done since i was 18.......i stood in front of my mirror and dropped my towel. for the first time in my life, i saw and said nothing negative. i rubbed shea butter on every inch of my honey brown skin...barely taking my eyes off of that mirror. from my eyes (which were swollen at the time from crying)...how full and pink my lips are.....how they look like im poutin........the beauty mark on my left cheek....my melons....my legs...thick toned thighs with well defined calves.....my booty thats shaped like an upside down heart....i looked at everything..from da roota to da toota. came to this........today was the final tick. i have seen the light. no more waitin for a relationship with my father. no more waitin for phone calls from people who dont appreciate me or my time. no more waitin for my "soulmate". no more waitin to do this or do that when i get the body i want. no more waitin. the clock doesnt stop...so why should i wait?

come be with me.......da kid feels lonely.....she wants to be touched....stroked.......like the bottom of the pacific.....to make her feel the pacific.....smooth and rough but always wet.....i know....my mind is in the gutta. thats just the beginning...its almost finished. might put it the rest up here. next...ma called me on saturday to tell me that cream sent me a letter. weird aint it? i sent his letter off on friday. me and cream are cut from the same cloth....our minds are connected. like i said before, he is the closest person to me outside of my fam. my sister read the letter to me and it brought tears to my eyes. we basically said the same things. cant wait to see what he says in his next letter. i should get it tomorrow. monday, i went shopping. it was a me day. i treated myself to some things that i actually needed. my father finally called me. he had his excuse for why he didnt call. he always has a damn excuse. im so tired of excuses. im tired of understanding. when is he going to understand that his baby girl is tired. tired of his bullshit. got some money from him today. bout damn time. when is the next payment comin??? you have a large past due balance lil daddy. a sista needs some new shoes. im officially on red alert. been feelin kinda irritable. dont feel like doing too much but sleepin and drinking strawberry lemonade. havent had a big appetite lately. all i want is something to drink. gimme some black cherry kool-aid dammit!!! on to other shit...isnt that hard to believe is it? well, this may sound crazy to peeps...i still like his music. i dont approve of his actions in his personal life....the fact remains that he can write a hit. all he needs to do is get help for that little girl fetish of his. next...im worried about a friend of mine....she is gettin ready to end a 6 year relationship. she is in a "where i wanna be" situation. i hope she is ok cuz women are crazy. DONT MAKE ME HAVE TO COME TO ATL AND KICK SOME ASS. women like her are rare...deep minded, works, has goals, uses her brain. *singin* "if i was your girlfriend....." joke. i hope everything works out for her.....enjoy single life..no one of flesh and blood knows whats best for you but you. do what ya do lil daddy. anywhoo, da kid is mad frustrated and sleepy....not a good combo. so, thank you for comin out, god bless you, good night.

revelations from da redhead chic.....im 22 big baaabbbaayyyy! how does it feel? well, it feels kinda good. well, more than kinda. i praise the most high that i have seen 21 years on this earth. lookin forward to many more. my birthday was a day of deep thinking and evaluation. thoughts about everything from my weight to my father came up. i thought about my ex-fiance too. cream is his name....yes its a HIM. he is partially responsible for the woman that people know today. i know through all my shit, good or bad, cream is going to have my back regardless of how the shit turns out. when i was going through my "im goin to do what makes everybody else happy" phase, he encouraged me to DO ME. he supported me when nobody else did.....he had faith in me when i didnt have faith in myself. its like, he taught me how to walk on my own. when nobody else gave a fuck about lady cream, he did. and of course, my name came from his. anyway, i miss him a lot. he is the only male besides my brother that is in my space. i wrote him a letter tonight....i havent written in a while. there is no excuse except pride...i let my pride keep me from writing him. he hasnt written me in a minute, so i havent written him. he has A LOT more stress than i do, so i should have picked up a pen a long time ago. shoulda, coulda, i didnt. i did it tonight tho. i wrote him a letter and sent him some of my poetry that he loves so much. that is a friendship that i want to keep for eternity. i pledge my undying loyalty and friendship to him and i know he will do the same thing. we will always be thicka than water. a lot of peeps called me on my b-day. thank all of yall....its too many of yall to name on here. just know, i felt loved....even tho "cough" i didnt get any presents *cough*. its all gravy tho. i know ill get my presents eventually. its funny how people that read my blog and/or chat with me online sent me birthday cards or called me to wish me a happy birthday. damn near strangers wishin me a happy birthday and my father didnt call me, send a card, send a note, nothing. i was a little hurt....im used to it tho. like i said in a past post, i cant make him love me...i cant make him have a relationship with me.....he is a grown ass man and i cant make him do or feel anything. i am sendin this issue to my "lost causes" department. i will not allow him to hurt me anymore. i will not put him in a position to hurt me anymore. i always ask my mother....are u sure you werent messin around on my father? hopin she will say yes so there would be a possibility that this sorry excuse for a man wouldnt be my father. she always says no. i dont believe it tho. how could a brilliant, beautiful, intellectual, stunning, speci-woman like myself, come from a sorry, excuse-full, no good, man? next....my ex called me and woke me up. which is partially the reason why i am awake right now. the other reason is because da kid is gettin sick....nose is stopped up like whoa.....thats another topic. anyway, she called to tell me happy belated birthday. yo, i am proud of myself. i dont see her in the same light i saw her in when we were together. i see her like i see any other chic. no warm tingly feelins when we talk. no nervousness. no unfriendship like love.....just conversation. da kid has came a long way. say it with me...you ready? aight. YAAAAYYYYYYY. yall, as much as i would love to write some more....i need to try to go back to sleep (keyword:try). i have to get up for school tomorrow....maybe it will be canceled cuz of the snow!!! i doubt it tho. this university wont close for shit. ill holla lata. peace, love, and sooouuulll.

HAPPY 22 TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND MLK!!!!!

BY MY GOTDAMN SELF........back at school. cried like a baby when my mom left. i tried not to...my neice blew me a kiss and it was over. i started cryin right then. i love my fam. like i said, this time at home made me realize how much i love them. im lookin forward to this spring break. first day of school. it was cool....like i said, im focused. went out with my big brova the night before i left. since it was her birthday, she got to wear my coach "pimp hat". we danced......GET OFF MY BOOTY LIL DADDY!!!!.....and scoped people out. we gave a lot of peeps *thumbs down*...shit some even got thumbs and toes down. see her page for details on our rating system. all in all, we had fun for her birthday. ima miss her silly ass. next topic...the trashman picked up my bag of past. then today, i found someone i thought i wanted to keep, but on second thought, i dont. so, they are gone too. what happened? ill let you know. i feel like she is stuck in past tense. plus, im gettin mixed signals from her and i dont play that childish shit. im a grown woman dammit. speakin of bein grown, 2 days til 22. a couple of my friends want to take me out to a club. i dont wanna go, so im not. all i want to do is, get me a bottle of rum, a spicy chicken sandwich and a frosty from wendy's, and drink by myself, eat by myself, chill by myself, errthang by my gotdamn self. although, it would be nice to be romanced on my birthday....a full body massage, 22 white roses, a deep convo, birthday licks (literally) before some intense, make me scream ya name, birthday oochie.....hehehehe. i can dream right? my father said he is goin to send me some money since im broke.....i wont hold my breath. not used to gettin up early....sleepy as hell...goin to bed.....peace.

packin my rags.....go shawty......its ya birthday.....happy b-day to my big brova. may you maintain the sanity you still have at 24......my last day at home until march....im goin to miss it. home is home. no matter where i go, there will be no where like it. im going to miss my fam. me and my mom got along the whole time i have been here. she read my poetry...which at first, she didnt think i wrote. her baby is a poet!!!! i saw how grown up my brother is. i remember takin care of him....now he is a grown ass man takin care of his daughter. everytime i look at my neice, i feel like im lookin at myself when i was her age. the only difference is, i was lighter than she is. she is soooo smart. im saving money for her to get into some kind of dancing school. that chile dances whenever she hears music...it couild be a commercial, she'll stop whateva she is doing and start dancing. she reminds me of the dancing baby on ally mcbeal. i love my fam with everything in me. it took me growin the fuck up to realize how much. im excited about going back to school. im going back a different person with a totally new perspective. 4 days left of 21....its been real....shitty. well, it could have been worse. i plan on makin 22 much better. *cough* hope i get some presents *cough* i need to pack my rags so i can go....peace.

i got a lot of livin to do before i die.....
THEME MUSIC:

i am awake. my mind is free. so, i will not write about the love that turned into strong dislike...hate is such a strong word....at the same time, hatred is a sign of weakness. i know at times i am weak...everyone is. the difference is, my times of weakness will be few. i have to be strong, for myself. strong because i have to survive. everybody is on a path.....i will keep on mine. nobody can help me stay on my path but me. no one of flesh and blood knows whats best for me, but me. i intend to always do whats best for me. not saying that i will ignore other people's needs....its just my needs and happiness come first. i have been through a lot in my 21 years and most high willin, when i see 22, im lettin all of the pain and negativity in my past go. im a grown ass woman now. i cant dwell in the past if i want to move forward. you cant move into a new place without giving up the old place. im sittin my bag of past on the curb. the contents of that bag include exes, associates, posessions, etc. not going to say anything more....need to gather my thoughts.

huh?.....i just read something......confused....fightin the urge to think negatively. i have a tendency to think the worst of situations. so, i checked that at the front door. i came in to her house with an open mind.....i was supposed to leave with a better understanding...i walk out of her door with confusion. *insert the frustrated face here* i wanna know why she thinks the way she does....why she says some of the things she says..... i want what i was supposed to leave her house with. its like goin to get a pepperoni pizza, havin your mouth ready to taste it, but instead you get a sandwich. hopefully, i will get the oppurtunity to know why....in time. for now, let me eat my sandwich.

mysterium.....im focused man......burnin 2 sandalwood insense, 1 for me and 1 for my future....just took a shea butter and lavendar bath to clear my head. last night, i almost relapsed...almost broke. i held my tears...i wont look back. i will keep my focus forward....only cowards look back. i aint scared of what lies ahead of me. 2003 is goin to be positively different from 2002. my only resolution is to stay focused. yo, i am soooooo focused ladies and gents. in 2003...no drama, no bullshit, no losers, no issues. a lot of peeps have been formally uninvited from my space...in other words, yall asses aint welcome no more. today my objective is to clean out my closet. i have so much stuff in there that i dont need or want anymore. there are a lot of things that have memories attached to them that i dont want to hold on to....in that closet. its time to let that shit go. you cant grab anything new if your hands are full of old shit. ayyy, 11 days til 22. to be toally honest, im amped. most high willing, i will see my 22nd b-day. *clearin throat* click on my wishlist, cop me something, and make me smile *clearin throat* i go back to school in about a week. im goin to approach this whole school thing differently. true indeed, i am sooooo tired of school. that is goin to make me work 1000 times harder to get the hell out of there. i am ready to start my career. i have already started workin on my dreams. i am writin a lot more, readin a lot more, designin a lot more, thinkin a lot more, feelin me a lot more. i am so fuckin focused yo. peace.

1 is da magic number........please sit down, have a glass of merlot....or do you prefer ice water or cranapple juice? aight, open your mind and your ears, dont hear me....listen to me. ok? lets begin. *ventin* people say the biggest form of flattery is when someone mimics what you do...in a sense, tries to think like you, act like you, talk like you.....basically tries to become you. well, like i always say and will continue to say, i am cream. havent always been cream cuz i havent always been true to myself.....dont get it fucked up....there is no doubt in my mind that right now, this second, and as long as i have breath in my body, i will be me. i dont understand why individuals have the urge to feed off of me. feed off of my intellect and my creativity...like vultures. in all honesty, that shit bothers me. it doesnt take effort for ME to be ME...but i know it takes a lot of effort for one to try to be ME. so, for your own sake, stop it. if you want to be like me....just do this, DO YOU. you can never be cream...not even on my worst day. next topic....i feel for someone.....like yall didnt already know. yes...someONE. does she know who she is? yes she does. we are goin to flow like blood through my veins and if the most high sees fit, in time....we will be exclusive. as far as the other peeps who are tryin to get into my space, most of them do not have the qualifications to be there. its sad but damn true. next topic...home. yo, i have been eatin sooooo damn much. i told yall i was goin to gain mad weight when i came home. aint nothin like jerk chicken, caramel cake, homemade lasagna, fried chicken with texas pete....aint nothin like my momma's cookin. i need to back away from the food befah i cant fit into my new clothes. ive been spendin a lot of time with my niece...thats my pumpkin pooh. i look at her when she looks at my brother....its like he is the most important person in the world. when he leaves, she cries. when he comes into a room, her face lights up and she starts raising her arms so he can pick her up. it makes me think, when i was her age, my father wasnt around. i was never daddy's little princess like my niece is because my father had his own issues that he was dealin with at the time and still to this day is still dealin with his damn issues. i talked to him about a week ago...sometimes i think its better that i dont talk to him cuz all it does is make me upset. he makes me want to kick him in the damn throat. he is at the top of my list of people who can not fathom how much they hurt me because it is beyond their mental capabilities. i love him because half of me came from him. i am upset with him because he has never done a damn thing for me. no christmas presents or birthday presents....not even fuckin cards. nothing. for a while, it was like he didnt exist. there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about him. lookin at my brother with my niece...i cant see how he could not feel fucked up for not bein here for me. i know he cant make up for the time he lost....i just want to know that half of me. i want him to be in my life, even if its just a phone call every now and then. i want us to have a relationship....that shit just seems like its impossible. i cant make him love me...i cant make him call....i cant make him be the father that i always wanted...cuz the reality is, he is a grown ass man and i cant make him do shit. aight...next topic. im thinkin about boxing again. i trained when i was 17...stopped because i was lazy. i need an outlet. i need to get in shape. boxing took care of all of that. i might even compete professionally. it will keep me focused on something besides school. it will help me let out all this built up aggression and anger. aight...thats enough ventin for now. thank you for listenin. now, let me drink my merlot.

bah humbug.....my christmas was aight. i am not really a christmas person, meaning i dotn get all happy when christmas comes around. i mean, its aight...i buy people gifts and all that crap, but that's about it. dont expect cream to be all cheery, singin jingle bells, and bakin christmas cookies. christmas is a very social holiday and cream is kinda anti-social. i had company for christmas eve and christmas morning. all i have to say about that is i got it, i got it, i got it bad. peep the fourth reason in the chorus and that is how that situation was. my niece gave me her cold...so now da kid doesnt feel too hot. im tired of wipin my nose and coughin. my food doesnt taste right so i barely eat. since i have been home, i have had a lot of chill time...time to write, read, meditate.....all the stuff i used to do before i went to college. i got a webcam....so now maybe...just maybe....you will be one of the fortunate people that will be able to see this beautiful speci-woman named cream. i aint doin no kinky shit...dont even think about it dammit. anywhoo, before i go back to school, im goin shoppin for my dorm room....i want to be prepared just in case i have to entertain company. just in case someone comes to visit....hey, it might happen.. i know this blog was borin as shit cuz i was bored as hell writin it...so im goin to bed. muahhhzzzzz.

hey you.....i am tryin so hard not to feel for you...not to smile when i hear your voice, see you online, or even when i think about you. the reality is, i do. i smile cuz for the past 3 weeks, you have given me something to think about. you leave me wantin more....its like im eatin 1 chicken wing with some texas pete....it's not enough...i want more. not sayin that i want to rush in a relationship, although the thought of you and i bein exclusive.....*damn there is one of those smiles again* im not sure how you feel....maybe ill ask you that the next time i talk to you. heres da bizness.....i cant allow myself to let you do more than inspire me to smile. i cant allow myself to be let down again...unless i know your intentions. you are hella cool...you move me like palm leaves in the wind. you make me feel orange (are yall still marinatin on that). all i want you to do is show me....show me that you are different....positively different. show me that you are worthy of bein a part of my future cuz you are not like those in my past. show me you can satisfy my mental and physical simultaneously. show me your interior and ill show you mine. fill the space in between the thick black lines of this situation with answers......peace.

work in progress......i know i know i know.....its been a minute. since i have been home i have been hella busy. i went to jersey...not goin to give out too many details....all i will say is i had a ball. been chillin with my fam. givin my brain a rest. i dyed my hair blonde....it didnt turn out as blonde as i wanted, but its cool cuz its going to be rinsed red all the time anyway. when i went to jersey, i learned a lot about myself. i have some things i am goin to work on. from this day forward, my main focus is on cream....what makes cream happy....what makes cream feel good. i have been talkin to someone.....i think i mentioned her in the last post....anywhoo, im feelin her fo real. she moves me. adds to my mental in every conversation. everytime i think about her, i smile. she makes me feel orange (let your mind marinate on that). i went to the bookstore and lost my mind. its been so long since i actually had time to sit down and read a book for pleasure. i sat down and sipped on a caramel macchiato and read books for about an hour. dawn told me about jessica care moore a long time ago....i didnt peep her work until today. when i go to a bookstore....i make a bee-line to the poetry section....of course. anywhoo, i read some of her work in a book called "listen up! spoken word poetry." yo, i read a piece by her called "one afro's blues"....i think that is what it is called. anywhoo, i must have that book. leiriq might be gettin it for me for christmas. cream loves presents. since i have been home, i have been shoppin like crazy. my brother bought me a coach bag, hat, and belt. i have bought clothes, shea butter and honey soap, and a couple of scarves. i went to victorias secret and lost my mind....passionate kiss and amber romance is the shiznit...and those lace boy-cut undies....ohhhhhh. *fannin myself* i cant wait until i have a woman....then i can wear lingerie for her. i want to be wearin a butterfly thong, an open cup bra, and a pair of 6 inch heels.....cookin breakfast for my woman. i know, i know.....ima make some woman very happy one day. i just gotta find one that makes ME happy. peace.

let me take you on a journey..........last night, i slept like a baby. i went to sleep listening to the rain. my ex called me at 3am and woke me up. usually, when she calls me late at night, after we get off the phone, i cant go back to sleep. not last night. after we hung up, i was out. maybe my efforts of takin her off the stove have finally paid off. i dont hate her...hate is such a strong word. my feelins for her are reactions of being hurt by her. i have finally realized that it is beyond her mental capability to even fathom how much she has hurt me. you cant expect but so much from a person whos main focus of energy is them. i have been talkin to someone for the past 2 weeks. i havent been moved like this in a while. she makes me laugh. she has ambition and she is workin to make shit happen. she has a fully functioning brain and utilizes it to the fullest. she adds to my mental table. im not goin to get my hopes up...im just goin to let things flow and see what happens. i hope she wont be another name added on to my dismissed list. i was talkin to someone last night about what i want from a woman. basically, they didnt understand why i put such a big emphasis on intelligence. well, heres why. i am an intelligent woman. not the most intelligent, but intelligent. my desire to know moves me. knowledge moves me. i feed my brain everyday...if i dont, it will go into starvation mode...i dont want hunger pains in my brain. in my past relationships, i always heard, "cream, you think too much." they thought i thought too much cuz they didnt think enough. they had nothin but inane, inconsequential conversation as a result of not exercising their brains. i vowed that the next woman i commit to will have a fully functioning brain and will use it to the fullest. im not sayin that they have to be an genius...they must be willin to expand their mind. i cant deal with a practicer of know-nothingism. so people, that is one of many pre-requisites for a relationship with cream. in other news....2 more days until i go home. im excited cuz i have all these plans. i want to thoroughly clean my mom's house....from the roota to the toota. im not a neat freak....i just get these spells where i want to clean everything. needless to say, my mother likes when they happen. im not lookin forward to dial-up internet service tho. i am so used to dsl...ill be aight tho. at least i got something. so, ill be updatin as normal while im not in school. today im goin to take a trip on the bus to walmart...i need some blank cds and some more little stuff for myself. i havent went shoppin for myself in so long...i always tend to the needs of others before myself. i have realized that i need to worry about me...cuz no one else will if i dont. takin care of me and my needs are at the top of my priority list. as much as i would love to keep writin...da kid gotta go to work...gotta make that paper for some new goodies.

beautiful one...this is not goin to be a bitter post. this is not goin to be a post about she who shall remain nameless. this is a post about me. first of all...id like to start off by kissin myself. then, id like to say i love the fuck out of myself...self i love the fuck out of you, ya heard me. (mannie fresh said it best) i am what i am.....5'5", 180 pounds (yeah i said it...WHAT), brown eyes, red medium length hair, big titties, aight size booty (i aint got a badookadunk but it aint flat either), thick in the thighs, wit a pot belly. i'm not a video ho look-alike...nor am i tryin to be. me..im not j-lo...me...im no trina....me...im no ashanti....me...im just me. apologies...i had a 50 moment. ya'll.....im a sexy muhhhfuucccacaaaaaa. from my nappy roots to my pot belly to my big feet. im luvin me right now. if i dont love me....who is? and if you dont love me.....fucka you wit a diseased monkeys dick. i know i havent been takin the best care for me...all that is about to change. lately, ive been thinkin about my future a lot. the dreams of me bein a supastar are comin more frequently.....is this a sign? i dont know. what i do know is i want it. im hungry for it. i have let some issues in my life cloud my vision....i have nobody to blame but me. now....my vision is clear and my eyes are on the prize (LMAO). i dont know what im goin to be famous for....all i know is im goin to be a star. right now...is my time to condition myself cuz when i finally make it....when i finally have it....im never goin to lose it. in other news...here is cream's christmas list......


1. A full length fake fur coat (cream luhs the animals)


2. Egyptian Musk body oil


3. 2 pounds of cleaned chitlins and a bowl of potato salad


4. Uncle Ray's Fire Bar-B-Que Potato Chips


5. 30 thin silver bangels


6. Gold open face teeth (fitted just for me, of course)


7. Cash Money's Greatest Hits


8. Designer Imposter's Giorgio Body Spray


9. Walmart pink $1.99 slippers


10. The biggest bottle of Grape Mad Dog 2020


11. A vacation to my bed


12. Real love


13. Gucci shearling boots


14. Little Debby Devil Squares


15. The entire Body and Soul CD Collection


16. 4 carat Trillion cut cubic zirconias


17. A platinum blonde and burgundy draw-string ponytail


of course this is not my real christmas list....except for the chitlins, gold teeth, and real love. aight, minus the gold teeth. here is my wishlist. hook da kid up.....cream is goin to bed now...be back lata.

have you fed your mind today?......its been a long time since i wrote something from my heart....ive been writing about my day to day activities, which is cool.....sometimes. come and sit with me on the love seat. comfy??? aight. i have been conversing with some pretty cool peeps lately. its wonderful when you can vibe with a person and after the conversation has concluded, your mind feels satisfied. its like when you eat a good meal...it doesnt have to fill u up....it's enough to satisfy. i feel my mind expanding....thats a beautiful experience. much love to errbody that has stroked my mind for the past couple of months....its too many of yall to name....you know who u are. last night i was layin in my bed watchin the snow fall and started thinkin.....as much as i say that i dont love my ex anymore, in my heart.....i know i still do. love is a deep emotion...its not an appliance, you cant turn it off and on. when you really, deeply love someone...im talkin bout lovin someone with every ounce of you...those feelins never go away. they may decrease in strength but they never go away. you will always love that person if it was true love. ive only been truly in love one time...and that was with my ex. i still love her, no doubt...just its not as strong as it used to be. i will be in love like that again....one day. love is a beautiful process and i would be lyin if i said i wouldnt go through it again. i need to collect my thoughts....chill and watch tv for a few.....there is some merlot in the fridge...pour you a glass. ill be back.

creamatize...john deere like a muhhhfuckkaaa.....cream baby is bizzack. my vacation was short but sweet...sorta like a hershey kiss. i went out to a gay club FINALLY. all eyes were on da kid. it felt good fo realla. me and leiriq had mad fun while i was home. thats my dog. she kept da kid focused cuz i flipped out for a minute...got salty over some shit i didnt have no bizness bein salty about..i'm not goin to put the situations (yes plural) on blast but just know this....the bitches (plural again) aint worth it. i had to get out my john deere on they ass....so, 2 more peeps have been officially kicked out of my damn space. yo, leiriq keeps clownin me cuz...aight heres da damn story. they gave out dental dams and condoms at the club. well, after we left the club, i still had mine in my hand. why in da hell did i walk in the store with them still in my damn hand?? i already had all eyes on me cuz i had on a corset top with my boobies pushed up, a long black skirt, and some black boots......but i had on leiriq's baby blue and white coat cuz my coat was in the trunk. i looked like a dominatrix (what's my name bitch?)when i walked in the store, everybody paused. me and leiriq were geekin...as usual. then i said..."leiriq..why i carry these in the store dawg?" she walked away from me laughin. yo, i cant wait to come back home so i can chill with my evil cartoon buddy leiriq. when she laughs, she sounds like one of those evil cartoon characters like gargamel from the smurfs. on too other shit, i got my hair braided...i look rather cute...it makes me look all innocent. i got tipsy off of some paul masson and coconut rum....amazed my brother cuz i can drink them both straight. liquor one of the few things i like straight. i watched my neice dance to sean paul. she bounces to the beat...its amazin that a 1 year old has rhythm. she looks like a combo of me and my brother. it's crazy. i officially do not like my brother's girlfriend. she's overly friendly. all up in ya damn face....cheesin and shit. i call that shit rat droppins....proof that a rat is amongst us. it would be in her best interest not to talk to me cuz i will most likely hurt her damn feelins. on to the present.....right now, i need a damn drink. i need somethin...shit. 2 more weeks of school and then....1 month vacation. i might be goin on a vacation within my vacation with a friend....keyword might. i dont know yet. back to the women folk.....they still gettin on my nerves....ya know...same shit, different toilet. ill vibe more on that lata...i really dont feel like talkin bout them ho's.....cream needs sleep and some rum. peace.....lataaaaaa.

this piece is kinda angry....ive been wonderin whats up with my feelins and heres what i came up with. it's called "past tense and presently salty" *words spoken.....you Had me...feelin like i was not worthy....of your time, your effort, your compassion, your love....you...Had me..feelin like what the most high created was totally wrong...I was not embraced by your eyes or your heart....i was disdained...i was substandard....you....Had...me...feelin like you lowered your standards cuz i wasnt up to par with your visions of a falsified hoochiefied ghetto queen that could give applause to your so-called greatness with her badookadunk...i was just cream...that thick red headed chic with those pretty brown eyes and them sexy ass lips...but you thought i wasnt shit...compared to the women in the club, the women in the videos, and the women your dreams...your actions screamed louder than your words of adequacy...you didnt have to verbalize for me to recognize...how you...Had...me feelin was evidence enough...you...Had....me...feelin....as in already ago and past tense...unattractive, unwanted, unsuitable, and unacceptable....at the present...you Have me feelin......bitter. Copyright © All Rights Reserved. that's all for now peeps. cream needs sleep.

unexpressed....my hair is back red and my blog is back orange....back to basics. i have a comments block at the bottom. tell me whats on your mind. links are to your left...peep them. there is a lot on my mind so this might be a long post. i went to walmart today and i thought a lot while i was on the bus. that long trip gives me time to think. aight, first thought...my sexuality and my religious beliefs. me and artiste (congrats on the birth of your blog) were having a discussion about that yesterday. i dont think im going to be slidin down a gasoline rainbow into hell because i am a lesbian. damn i love that word..say it with me...les-bee-an. if the most high wrote my life out before i was even thought of, then everything, including me being a lesbian is in there. now, if im wrong, i will have to answer to the most high on judgement day....no one of flesh and blood can judge me. i do what i do and best believe...i do it very well. there is so much more to me than my sexuality. i know that i am a good person....the right that i have done is greater than the wrong i have done. next thought....i talked to my ex today and she told me that over the weekend she had sex with the girl she is talkin to. i cant help but feel some kind of way about that whole situation cuz i was in love with her at one point. i know that we both have moved on....just to think about her touchin someone else like she touched me makes my stomach turn. maybe she felt the same way when i told her that i had been intimate with someone else....cuz she told me she didnt want to hear it. with so many people wantin to talk to me and be with me....why am i even feelin anything about that situation? yo, i am so ready to be loved and to give love....i havent met anyone who is worthy of my love. i have a big heart and when i love someone, i love them with everything in me. so i gotta keep my guard up at all times....i dont want to feel the way i felt when me and my ex broke up. that was some painful shit. sometimes i wonder, does she actually understand how bad she hurt me? honestly, i dont think so...i think its beyond her. enough about her, i feel my mood changin. i took a psychology exam today...think i did aight. it was on affiliation, attachment, and love. i shoulda got an A on that bitch. 2 days and a wake up and ill be home. next thought...i know yall are tired of hearin about me goin home but dammit i need to go home. i need a break. i wish i could put my life on pause just so i could catch up on sleep. im so tired. tired of every damn thing..school, love, people, every damn thing. im just fuckin tired. hopefully, home will make me feel betta. i hope i dont see any of my damn dreaded male exes. i mean, they are aight, i just dont feel like bein bothered. im goin home to enjoy myself not to be asked 50 billion questions about me bein a lesbian (i had to say it again) or to be annoyed by them tellin me that they can change me. my ex asked me am i goin to jump his wood when i get home.*gettin heated* negro please. i only jump rubber and plastic. i dont get down with wood. what the fuck eva. i dont like dicks that spit and i only like dicks that are strapped to a woman. speakin of straps and women....i need some oochie. cot damn. i know.....tmi. i need some tho....i need my mind stroked as well....cant have one without the other. next thought...where are all the intellectual studs with their minds right at? does that type of stud exist? can i get one in my life please? pretty pwease. aight, enough for now. cream is done fo da nite. peace.

5 days to sunrise....you gon eat yo cornbread........its only monday and i feel overwhelmed already...its like i only have 5 more days until i go home...where i know that peeps luh me and i can eat REAL food (i'ma gain about 10 pounds)....where i can de-tox (finally)....where i can be at peace. this room is gettin old. i started a collage on one of my walls. so far, it's lookin pretty hot. i need more stuff on there. i will add to it as the school year goes on. hopefully, i can put some good grades on there. da kid's grades aint gon be so hot this semester. this semester has been so hard for me and i know that it will only get harder....so i gotta suck it up and deal with it. like i said...5 days to sunrise. yo, i have been havin real bad headaches lately...not nothin i cant handle...but its weird cuz ive never had headaches. maybe its stress. then. im startin to break out. im startin to think that it doesnt have anything to do with me not de-toxin in a while. i think i might be allergic to somethin in this room. im startin to sound like huny. i hope that its not as bad as her allergic reaction. fo realla. last night, i was readin some poetry by paul laurence dunbar and lucille clifton. i was moved, fo real. im workin on this piece...ill post it when im done. the headache from hades is kickin my ass...so im out. lata.

so beautiful you are........yo, this meshell got me open. makes me want to cut off all the lights, burn some jasmine incense, and lay down in my bed and be still....*thought* i want to be held right now. its been so long since i have been held by someone that i know loves me. words are just words without actions. when someone tells me they love me....i always say show me, dont tell me. dont speak about it, be about it. i would rather have someone who didnt tell me they love me all the time, but showed me how much they love me, than to have someone constantly tellin me they love me and dont do shit but talk. like sade said....show me how deep love can be. keyword: show. ive only been in love once in my life. even tho i got hurt like a muhfucka in the end, it was a beautiful experience. if it didnt hurt like it did, i wouldnt have known how deep it was. if i wasnt in love with her, i would have said fuck her and moved on. but i didnt. i went through some shit. like i said, heart aches are fo real. it showed me that i am capable of lovin someone with everything in me. i didnt think da kid could love someone like that, until i loved her. right now, i believe that i am ready to love someone....i am ready to settle down and just be committed to one person....i am ready to build something with someone. yo, im just not going to settle for less than i deserve. i am a very good woman (a queen...dammit) and i deserve the same. im goin to be patient....i believe the most high is preparin me for her and she'll come into my life when the most high sees fit. i wonder who she is....what she looks like....what her goals are in life....what shes doing right now. maybe shes bein prepared for me. i know ive been talkin about love a lot lately...its really been on my mind. more than usual. anywhoo....i only have a week and a day left lil buddies and ill be home eatin chitlins and oysters (not at the same time tho)!! my momma (happy b-day to the queen who birthed cream) is gettin all excited about me comin home. i love her and my brother soooooo much. i miss them when im away....give me about a week at home....and im ready to come back to school. im just used to havin my own space....not havin to answer the phone when i dont want to....makin as much noise as i want to....sleepin all day and not doin a damn thing if i dont want to....the list goes on and on. thats the benefit of havin your own....you are the queen of yo shit and you can do what the hell you want to when you want to. yo, the kid is breakin out again. my skin is not glowin like its supposed to. i know its cuz i havent de-toxed in a long time. de-toxin gets impurities out of your body. i used to do it every week. i need to but i dont have everything i need, so it will have to wait until i get home. then, i can take a bath with dead sea salt and black soap....burn some sandalwood incense....sip on some grapefruit juice....play me some boney james....and chill. da queen needs to take her royal ass to bed...french quiz tomorrow....*thought*.... je deteste francais!! ....peace lil buddies.

je m'adore.......ATTENTION...your mind is not playin a cruel joke on your eyes...the page changes colors whoadi. there are a lot of peeps feelin me now and honestly, i dont know how to carry it. ive never had peeps feel me for whats in my brain. everybody used to tell da kid that she was weird and shit. when i decided to do what the fuck i do, people get intrigued by me. im livin proof that if you are true to yourself and you just do what the fuck you do and tell errbody that dont like it to suck a diseased monkey's ass....you'll get nothin but love in return. thank you to all the peeps who have been showin me love. yall dont know how yall cheer me up. ive been in a mood lately. i dont undadig it. its not good or bad, its just a mood. ive been hella mean lately. snappin at people...bein more anti-social than normal. i thought i was pms'n....im still on a red alert, the code red aint came yet. so, maybe i am. i wish it would hurry up and do tha damn thang so i can get it ova with. i registered for classes this morning. im takin a full load next semester...no social life for cream. oh well. im just tryin to get the fuck out of school. i need some money. yo, im startin to develop a crush on someone. can u believe cream baby is.....havin a crush on someone? hell to da nah. its true tho. im feelin this woman like....damn. aint no words that can describe it. we had the discussion.."do good studs/femmes exist?" well, i know that good femmes exist cuz dammit i am a good femme. i know this. as far as good studs, i also know that they exist. i just dont know where. if i did, i would be on the first bus there to cop me one. when me and leiriq talked about this, she said im too selective. i have the right to be selective. i am a queen dammit. intelligence, honesty, depth, good hygiene, knowledge of self, and ambition are not much to ask. deep, soulful eyes and a pretty throat would be gravy on my plate. most importantly...i want someone to add to my mental table instead of always takin away from it. im tired of not havin my mind stroked. im tired of meetin practicers of know-nothingism. fuck how well you can stroke my body...can u stroke my mind??? the physical part is important, but you have to stroke my mind before you stroke my body. my brain is my main erogenous zone. i want whats beyond passionate love...that compassionate, respectful, healthy, loyal, kinda love. anyway, back to the woman im diggin like an ol' school record (been listenin to too much meshell)....im goin to talk to her some more and see where it takes us. im just so tired of the wankstas and the bullshittas. i hope she aint anotha one that will be added my long list of wankstas and bullshittas. well as much as i want to write some more.......i got to go to work lil buddies.....muahhhhhhh.
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dear sweetness and artiste'......i'm writin this to you because i feel yall. i feel what yall are goin through because i have been where you are at....about a month or 2 ago. i loved my ex with everything in me. words cant even describe the love i had for her. i had more than passionate love for her. i had companionship love for her. she was my best friend and lover in 1 person. shit changes tho. people do things, people say things, people feel things, and shit changes. thats just a fact of life. i luhh you and artiste' like yall are my sistahs. as much as i luh my favorite artiste'...you need to let her go. the longer you try to hold on to somethin that is not there, the longer you waste your time. time that you could be devotin to someone who will love you the same way or more than you love them. i had to let my ex go and i know its a long, hard, stressful process, but you got to do tha damn thing. it hurts like a muhfucka but i guarantee you, it will hurt a lot worse if you keep holding on. she will never be the same person she was before whateva. evolution moves forward, never backward. so, just accept the fact that she is who she is and will never be who she was again and everything else will fall in place. ill be here fo you...that's what cream is here for. now, on to my favorite artiste'. stop bein so damn mean. nahh, i'm playin. thought...i got some damn nerve callin somebody else mean. like i said, shit changes. you got to mend that heart and let go of that negativity. all that bitterness and anger isnt healthy at all. let it go and maybe one day soon yall can be friends again. i know deep down yall love each other. im here fo both of yall...yall know how to reach me. aight...how is cream doin? cream is pms'n. ive been slightly emotional lately. but, i havent cried yet. i havent flipped on anybody...yet. i cant wait until this weekend. i aint doin a muhfuckin thang. im gonna sit on my ass and write poetry all day. i aint gon crack a damn school book. im tired of studyin. i need to do some shit fo cream. i just want to enjoy my muhfuckin self. damn, i have a potty mouth tonight. yall like the new layout??? i think its pretty. the orange was gettin kinda old. i needed somethin different. since i luhh orange so much, ill probably go back to it later. anywhoo, cream needs some sleep. nite, nite.

no ideas original........yo, i had an aight scurry day, fo realla...i got a B on that the criminal justice exam that i thought i failed.....one point from a fuckin A. plus, i got an A on my paper. i was sooooooo peachy. then when i got home, i had 7 sour strawberry suckers, some reese cups, a hershey bar, a pack of sour patch kids, and a bunch of strawberry warheads outside of my door. someone knows i luhhhhhh suckers and i luhhhh sour candy. they forgot the gummy bears, but thats aight. then...my fuckin computer crashed. it's aight now....i flipped cuz i thought i lost all my music. i would have been salty as hell if i had. yooo, ive been gettin phone calls and e-mails askin me what or who was i salty with when i wrote my last entry. well...they shall remain nameless. i was sooo heated that i couldnt sleep....i would sleep for a few minutes and wake up. just know this....they have been downgraded to associate status. i have a very low tolerance for bullshit and negativity. like i said, im not a snake charmer. anywhoo, i went to my favorite store in the whole world besides target. i got some sandalwood, jasmine, and coconut incense, some dark grey beads, and of course my usual black beads. my new anklet has dark grey beads. i have to get some more bead cord so i can make some more. i have a thing for anklets. i saw this cute indian necklace that i want soooooo bad. it had the belly chain to match....i dont do the belly chain thing but i was feelin that necklace. usually i dont like anything around my neck but it was so cute. ima cop it one day along with the jimi hendrix door beads i saw. lately, a lot of women have been interested in me. for so long, i thought that no one would be attracted to my personality. im mad weird to most people so i intimidate them to a degree. im not used to gettin all this attention. its cool tho. i need to get used to it cuz im goin to be famous one day. well, i need to go rinse my hair...im not feelin this jet black anymore....im feelin red again. peace, love, and soooouuuuulllllllllllllll.

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