the light.....today, i woke up to the burgundy light on my face....when the sun comes through my curtains....it makes my room look burgundy. for some reason...i felt like today was going to be significant. dont know why...just did. beginning......my friend got a car today so we went to the mall, walmart, and the grocery store. it was real cool. had fun. bought my mother some thing for valentines day, bought me some undies to add to my collection (yes a collection), and some envelopes. nothing major. came back to my room...there was a message from my fathers girlfriend saying he was trying to call me and that he would call me later on. cool beans. i rinsed my hair..i cant stand it if my red is not vibrant....and chilled. my father called. the conversation started off aight...then of course it got bad. we disagree on a lot...he says we have a lot in common. how in the hell can you tell me that we have a lot in common when you dont know me? this muhfucka doesnt even know my favorite food...my favorite color...my hobbies....nothing. and the fucked up part about it is....its his fault he doesnt know. then, we talked about him paying back child support. he owes my momma a lot of money...so much money, she would be somewhat wealthy if she got it. this bastid made it seem like, he doesnt owe her shit. like it was her choice to raise us and take care of us by herself. that was the point when i got heated. so heated, i started crying. i have never cried when i was on the phone with him. i would always wait but yo, i couldnt hold it. its like my childhood flashed before my eyes....not having a christmas tree or anything to put under one, not being able to go on field trips cuz ma didnt have the money, having the lights cut off.....( i know how to cut your lights and your water back on if they get cut off....thats not some shit i should know), not having a muthafuckin thing in the fridge but was happy as hell cuz we still had a home....i could go on and on. my momma worked 3 damn jobs...almost worked herself to death. she needs a heart transplant and here this muhfucka is saying that it was her choice to work like a damn dog. he asked me what is me being bitter solving. i have a damn right to be bitter and hell no i am never goin to let that shit ride.....hell nah. if his sorry ass was a man....i wouldnt have grown up like i did. i know it could have been a lot worse....but dammit it could have been a whole lot better. anyway, just when shit started gettin real heated, he said, "i'ma call you back." i sat in the middle of my floorin holding my phone....waiting for it to ring. i waited 2 hours. finally i had to go wash my rinse out of my hair...so i left. i stood in the shower and cried until my eyes ached. i came back in my room....no messages on my answering machine.....did something i havent done since i was 18.......i stood in front of my mirror and dropped my towel. for the first time in my life, i saw and said nothing negative. i rubbed shea butter on every inch of my honey brown skin...barely taking my eyes off of that mirror. from my eyes (which were swollen at the time from crying)...how full and pink my lips are.....how they look like im poutin........the beauty mark on my left cheek....my melons....my legs...thick toned thighs with well defined calves.....my booty thats shaped like an upside down heart....i looked at everything..from da roota to da toota. came to this........today was the final tick. i have seen the light. no more waitin for a relationship with my father. no more waitin for phone calls from people who dont appreciate me or my time. no more waitin for my "soulmate". no more waitin to do this or do that when i get the body i want. no more waitin. the clock doesnt stop...so why should i wait?