little girl blue.......today, for the upteenth time.....somebody woke me up early. for what??? for not a damn thing. it is so nice to lay in my own space where i dont have to answer the phone.....in fact...i can take that bitch off the hook if i want to. to top it off.....the person that kept callin wasnt even someone i wanted to talk to or someone that wanted to talk to me. i was soooooo pissed. me and my dog were knocked out and this bama calls 6 times before 11 am. aint that a bitch? next......me and my mother went to feed the ducks by my brother's job today. yo.....im diggin ducks right now. the males are some evil bastids....the females are cool. i fed them bread out of my hand. they shook their tail feathers for me....im dead serious. it was so peaceful yo....i didnt think about anything but those ducks the entire time i was there. lately, i have been real attentive to animals....dont know why. i gave my dog a bath and a pedicure last night. she keeps laying her head me and doing things to show that she appreciates me. im glad that somebody appreciates me.....even if its just my dog. im not goin to go into my feelings of being taken for granted....same shit, different toilet. aint shit changed. next...i cleaned my closet today to. ive been tryin to keep myself busy....it keeps things off of my mind. i found some of my old poetry books and an old journal. they reminded me of how far i have come. i was reading some of my journal entries about the times my ex and i would fight and the bruises i would have afterwards. it was like i was reading someone else's story.....like i said, it reminds me of how far i have come. on the other hand....i read some entries that remind me i am still tolerating the same shit that i was with him. i am almost in the same boat that i was in with him....not the fighting and shit tho. thats anotha can of shit that i dont feel like opening right now. i ripped up the journal and kept my old poetry book. i even found a notebook i had in the 6th grade. i have been writing poetry and short stories since i was in the 3rd grade. wish i had kept all the stuff i wrote. oh well. im finna enjoy the time i have alone in this house. in a minute....peace....cream out.

jah....can you hear me? part 2......i am so tired of roanoke. this place is hell......a bunch of fuckin confusion, pettiness, arguing, fighting.....a bunch of high school he say she say shit. it cant ever be peaceful. never......never have, never will. i cant deal with this shit yo. i left here when i was 18 because of it....thought i could just visit and it would be aight...thought that visiting would let me avoid it.....thought wrong. i dont ever want to come back here. i love my fam but if they want to see me once i graduate, they will have to come to where ever i am living and it damn sho aint gon be here. yall dont understand how much hatred i have in my heart for this one damn place....a place that isnt even on the fuckin map half of the time....a place that only has about 150,000 people.....if hell is on earth...this place is the devil's kitchen. im tired of hearing about drama...tired of seeing it...just plain tired of this place. i praise the most high for opening the door for me to get out of here because i probably wouldnt be alive if i hadnt left. i wish that i could take my niece and raise her somewhere decent. i dont want her to grow up here....around all this bullshit. every night i pray to the most high and ask him/her to protect my family and my friends from harm, negativity, violence, and evil. every night yo. i worry about my fam a lot....all i can do is pray yo. the rest is left to the most high. i wish that this worry and negativity would leave my mind....somebody pray for me. in a minute.....peace...cream out.

shawt but sweet......i really dont feel like writing....im bored tho. aint shit else to do but write. i had fun visiting my fam this weekend...my uncles house is so damn pretty. we cooked out, drank some barcardi, watched final destination 2 (i liked that movie)......just chilled yo. it was nice to get away but at the same time it was a reminder of how much we (my immediate fam) dont have. we's po' country folk in a family of wealthy city folk. my little cousin is so cute....he's 3 and soooo damn short for his age.....i couldnt get enough of his little ass. he kept wantin me to play soccer with him...da kid got tired. next...the rain is fallin hard as hell on the roof....sounds like a plane is hoverin over our house.....maybe i need to make this update quick....i would hate to have lightning strike my shit. i miss my woman.....i miss her like crazy....im cravin her....i hope she knows. october betta hurry up and get here. im finna open my windows and listen to the storm til i fall asleep.....ill holla lata. in a minute....peace......cream out.

arrabbiato.....i feel the same way i felt last friday....lonely. its weird cuz i am lonely but i dont feel like bein bothered. everybody is on some other shit today....some shit that i am not tryin to get in. almost everybody i have talked to today has either irritated me or pissed me off. i am so damn anti-social right now. next....we are goin to see my fam in dc tomorrow...well, lata on....since its officially saturday. maybe this is a well deserved get away...maybe i need sometime away from everybody. if i had a car and some money, id be gone...somewhere to enjoy my own company. quick thought----why does "bitter" by meshell n'degeocello make me cry everytime i hear it? just a question i dont have the answer to. at this very moment....im feelin so many different emotions...all at the same time. i need to find the place where i dont feel used...taken advantage of...or just plain fucked up. i want to feel appreciated, loved, respected....and i dont feel that here. when i was younger, i wanted somebody to love and appreciate me. now that i am older, i know that the most important thing is to love and appreciate yourself. i have also learned that everybody has the need to feel loved and appreciated. home is where you are supposed to feel that and well.....like i said before, i dont have a home. cream is without a home. this is my mother's house....its brought to my attention almost everyday. i need a quiet place, just to give me a peace...of mind. i am ready to shut everybody out....just to keep my sanity cuz i feel it slipping away. my dreams that will soon be reality are what is keepin my head to the sky. miles is playing "basin street blues" and its makin my eyes heavy. im gone to dream the same dream i have dreamed for years......in a minute....peace.....cream out.

peace of mind...2 glowin candles and a spliff.......it’s rained every day since she left. I guess the weather is a direct reflection of my feelings. I don’t cry....I just feel like a part of me is missing. I have been serenaded by Marvin, Curtis, Lenny, Gladys, Billie, Stevie, Celia, Chaka, and Roberta all day. They sing me to sleep...make me dance...keep me going through the day. I have talked to a lot of people in the past 2 days. Yesterday, I went to Walmart and guess who came up behind me and hugged me? My fuckin ex. I elbowed the hell out of him. That’s another reason why I don’t like being here….I really don’t feel like being bothered and every where I go someone seems to want to talk to me. I don’t want to talk….I want to get my shit and do what I got to do. Dammit leave me alone!!! He was tellin me how good I looked....mannn...I didn't need him to tell me that. Bama ass bama. Cream called me today….it was a pleasant surprise. I miss the conversations we used to have. That’s my brother from a different mother. Yesterday, I talked to Dawn too. I always feel good after I talk to her….she has positive energy (she tells me the same thing). We were talking about our futures and she told me “Cream, you are a star…the world just has to find out.” I got all teary eyed. the world is going to find out….its going to take a little time….but it is going to happen and when it does….damn yo.....im anxious. im hungry as hell......i need some food. in a minute...peace....cream out.

blah blah blah.......i wish i was doing something besides nothing. this is the most boring place in the world....to me. its not like nothing is goin on.....there is....its just things are going on that i dont choose to be involved in. its raining....i feel real sluggish. i slept until 11...i was on the phone until 2:30 am...listenin and relating to a friend's issues. it seems like everybody is callin me now....da kid feels loved. im worried about one of my friends.....she probably knows who she is without me sayin her name....ya need to call me yo. we need to talk. im worried about you. next...a friend of mine and i are goin to have a little get together....nothin really big...just 5 people. im all excited. its goin to be nice to be in the company of fam. we have a lot of catchin up to do. next....im goin to see my grandmother this weekend. i hope she doesnt bug me and ask me 50 billion questions cuz i am really not in the mood yo. i love her to death but i just want to chill.....be left alone. im actually a little excited cuz im goin to fix my aunt's comp. there is something about computers....maybe i should have been a computer science major. oh well....too late now. i refuse to start all over. criminal justice is what it is....computer science will come later. when i leave this earth, ill probably have a couple of degrees in addition to my doctorate. da kid loves to learn. yo....i feel the sudden urge to do housework.....im bored as hell. in a minute....peace.....cream out.

alone......well, im home and she's gone. before she left, i cried like i knew i would. nothin could prepare me for the way i felt when i kissed her for the last time for 2 months. i just know i have to stay focused til october 1st. next....home is, home. aint shit changed. i still feel like i dont have a home...this aint mine and its become more and more obvious that its not. this is just the place i was raised and the place my fam lives. nothing more, nothing less. when i move into my own place, its goin to be one of the happiest days of my life. just to know that its mine and i dont have to clean up after anybody else and i dont have to answer the phone or get off the phone or listen to anybody's shit cuz dammit its mine....is goin to be so wonderful. next....da kid has gained weight. i dont gain weight anywhere but my damn gut. i am goin to start doin some things so i can minimize this gut of mine that gets on my nerves....i need a change. next....the whole time i have been home, my dog has been following me around. im beginning to think that she is the only one that appreciates my presence. she looks at me like i am the queen of the universe. thats my baby tho....i luh her ass. next...woo told me that she likes it when i am in a good mood......shit, who doesnt. i just cant be cheery all the damn time....at least not right now. i have so much on my mind.....a lot more than i choose to tell people, so i cant be all peachy all the time. people always say that. yall think about this...have you contributed something to my mind or my spirit to inspire me to smile???? if not....dammit hush. next....this damn dial up thing is gettin on my nerves. dammit, i hate dial up but its goin to have to do for a month. its a part of my struggle. one day i will sit back and laugh at all this.....one day i will have what i need and most of what i want......i kow that day will be soon. btw....thanks for the love in the tagboard and the notes.....yall just dont know how much its appreciated. in a minute.....peace....cream out.

70 days........today is the day i have dreaded for 2 months......we hit the road at 5. i get tears in my eyes just thinking about leaving. this has been a learning experience....yall already know that. ive packed my stuff, now all i have to do is wash my hair and get dressed. anyway...(im gettin teary eyed), she is goin to stay with me for a couple of days. im goin to show her everything that i couldnt show her the first time she came to see me. the next time i post....i will be at my mother's house. she called me this morning, all excited.....im excited too in a way but im really not looking forward to the drama and the issues that come with being there. i already know that i am goin to be on the phone with woo all the time......just to keep my sanity. next.....i havent talked to a lot of people in my circle...mainly because i am not online that much. i miss my friends.....i hope they miss me. when i get back to my mother's house.....ill be able to call them FOR FREE. free long distance is a wonderful thing. yo...the clock is tickin...i need to get dressed......peace cream out.

in a minute.......i debated on deleting my last post all night. should i....shouldnt i? well, my conclusion is, im not. as much as i try not to write about me and her....i do. i write whats in my heart and my love for her is there along with a million other things. 3 days til i leave connecticut. i am shook. i have slept in her bed for 2 months. im used to her pulling me close to her while she sleeps and her snoring in my ears. im used to holding her locs when i sleep. im used to rubbing her stomach and giving her insulin. im used to pampering her when she doesnt feel good. im used to being with her. it will be at least 2 and a half months *insha'allah* til i see her again. when she leaves me this time, things will be much different than when she left me march. in march, it was the first time we met in person and it was only a weekend. my feelings for her are much stronger than they were then. we have been through so much. next.....my mother is excited about me comin back. i miss her, but i dont miss home. like i said before, its a toxic place for me. im glad that i will be seeing my brother and my niece. my niece is gettin so damn big. she makes me want to have a baby......not until i am 24 tho. next....im glad that i go back to school in a month. i am goin to hurry up and graduate so i can establish myself.....make my dreams reality. love is callin.......peace cream diga out.

to you aka creams ramblings part trois.......my hands are shakin...i can barely type...i can barely see...my eyes filled with tears. you are downstairs, basically because you dont want to listen. the relationship i had with her is past tense, you of all people should know that. i have told you over and over again about how we were and why we are no more. its over and never will be again. she is the past, you are my present and *insha'allah* my future. if it bothers you, i am willing to step back from the situation. im not sayin i wont be her friend....i just wont talk to her as much as i do. i know if the tables were turned, i would feel the same way. all i ask is that you do the same for me. as far as last night, i answered every question that i heard, i put that on everything i love.....i wasnt iggin you. next....when something is on your mind, let me know. you walkin around not talkin to me doesnt help the situation. how am i supposed to understand if i dont know whats wrong? how can i correct a problem that i dont even know exists? you dont know how much it hurts me when you just walk by me, like im a piece of furniture. like right now, i went to talk to you cuz i knew something was wrong by the way you were acting....i came to you and you wouldnt even look at me. that shit hurt me. it made me feel like i was just a chair or just a lamp. made tears come to my eyes....thats why i walked away. i wont let you see me cry anymore. i just want to be happy with you...like when we first laid eyes on each other. minus all the attitudes and all the bullshit and all the tears. just us, happy. i try my hardest to create a positive space for the both of us to dwell in together. i am givin this my all....everything in me and even some shit that aint. my eyes are burning.....eyes have had enough......peace...cream out.

freewriting.......eyes fixed on the ceiling...watchin the moon...sleep is not here...but you are...coupled but singled....in my soul....comes....this cravin...this need...that envelopes me...makes me need to be closer to you...to feel your heart on my fingertips...hear it whisper my name...and embed it into my mind...your hands slide from my hips to cupping my breasts...i arch my back...my nails rip yours...your tongue moves across my nipples...your kisses make me slightly delusional...i want you...tears fall...my feelins elusive to you...wanting you to ease this persistant pain....this throbbing i have from the core of my soul......to be loved. copyright (c) all rights reserved. peace.....cream out.

unexpressed frustrations.......im not home yet....will be there **insha'allah** on wednesday. im a little excited cuz so much has changed since i last saw my fam..not just with me, with them too. im goin to miss my girl...she gets on my damn nerves sometimes but i am goin to miss her ass. as soon as i get home, im gettin a job so i can save money to do the shit that i really need to do. i need to buy school shit and a train ticket to connecticut for october. i have learned a lot about myself since i have been here. im goin back to va, a different person. next....i havent written a poem in about 3 weeks. i have a severe case of writer's block. its not that i am not inspired...its just when i pick up my pen, it doesnt move. hopefully, it will come back soon cuz i miss writing....startin to feel like a fish out of water. my creativity has been flowing so maybe thats why i havent been writing. i have so many ideas....so much shit that i am goin to do and make and learn.....damn. i know this is a short post.......but i have some shit on my mind that i need to get straight. peace........cream out.

back to me......its been a minute....i find myself not writing in here as often as i used to. at one point, i wrote everyday. i just dont feel the need to write here if nothin is goin on. i get tired of writing the same shit. anyway, this week has been aight. me and woo went shoppin...copped some shoes and and an echo bag. we went to a casino too....i realized that i am not a gambler. when i dont win, i get salty as hell. i had fun watchin her win tho. next.....im lookin forward to working when i get home. i wont have to be around my mother's boyfriend...yay. plus, ther are some things that i want to do and get. im goin to make a list and as i do things, ill cross them out. it will be a link so yall can see. its goin to be kinda long so its goin to take me a minute. next.....i go back to my mother's house on friday. not really looking forward to it. that place is so damn toxic to me. all i plan to do is work, shop, and i might go to the club occasionally. other than that, i dont want to have any interaction with natives. next....me not havin a place to call home has been on my mind a lot lately. i used to try not to think about it but now, i cant help but think about it. its makin me work 100 times harder to establish my own shit. some place where i feel welcome and i dont feel like an outsider. some place that is mine.

hot pearl c……I have so much on my mind…this might be a long post so get a snack and something to sip on. A lot of things have triggered deep thought today. First, my job. Yo, I work for peanuts. I work my ass off and I can’t do anything I need to do with the money I make….its not even putting a dent in my list of needs. Like I said before, I wont have work study next year. I am trying not to be stressed but I cant help but be. I was planning on getting a job anyway but that’s not the point. Now it’s mandatory…I cant survive without one. I know I cant think about what other people have or what they do….cuz its not going to change shit but its just so fucked up that I have no help whatsoever. I have helped soooo many people my whole life and what have I gotten for it? Not a damn thing. I have sacrificed for others and I have not gotten anything out of it. Sometimes not even a thank you. Now where are ya’ll when I need ya’ll? ****Silence**** That’s what I thought. I’ve made it by myself thus far, shit ain’t changing now. Next, I had a conversation with Dawn when I came home from work. She told me something that really stuck with me…..she said “Do what makes you happy. Go where you want to go. Don’t live for someone else….live your life for you. ” Writing is my passion….I live, I breathe…..I even eat words. This criminal justice thing….is what it is. Don’t get me wrong, I like criminal justice. I just don’t believe that it is my calling. It’s my hustle. My talent is writing. Writing is what I like to do. I am going to work at this writing thing so I can pimp my words. I know that is my gift and I am going to give it my all….it’s time I master my craft. Dawn is my buddy and an inspiration. She’s that little voice of encouragement that I need. Third, my sides have been hurting all day. Every time I breathe, it hurts. I need a bubble bath, a deep tissue massage, and a cup of hot chocolate (yeah, I know its summer but if I turn on the AC you cant tell). I started writing a poem today about myself. It felt weird writing about myself but the shit just flowed. It starts out “I am the result of loneliness and vulnerability”. I was flowing until I had to start making breakfast at work….grrrrrrrr. Tired of being interrupted…my thoughts left unexpressed. Even though I have all this crap on my mind, I am anxious to go back to school. I need to be in an environment where I can flex my mental muscles. Plus, school is where I can truly be free….its my comfort zone. Enough writing for now, I need to go to bed. Peace and passion….cream out.

brand new........i was gettin ready for bed and felt the urge to write. so here i am. like the new layout??? that pic inspired me. marc baptiste is a beast!!!! let me know whatcha think. next....my 4th was aight.....missed my fam a little. yesterday, me and woo had the whole house to ourselves. we actually needed that. i go home in 2 weeks and im really not looking forward to it. i have noticed that i am at my best when i am alone....no fam, no girl, just me. today, i called the financial aid office to discover that i dont have work study next year. in a way, i am upset cuz im goin to miss it but on the other hand maybe its a sign that i need to move on to bigger and better things. i was planning on gettin a job when i got to school, now i know i am going to have to. next....a wave on nonchalance has come over me. im startin not to give a damn about anything unrelated to me. maybe, it will keep me stress free. next....i finally know how to cornrow. taught myself.....watched people for the longest and just tried it. people have tried to teach me....i cant learn that way. i have to do it myself.....without help. stubborn ass cream.....yeah i know. cream is gettin sleepy....ill holla lata. peace and red kool aid........cream out.

comfort zone.......i went to the ny pride parade on sunday. i had soooooo much fun. even met ja rule....*hmmmm*.....anyway, it was nice to be around peeps like me. me and woo walked hand and hand most of the time. it was cool to kiss in public without people staring at us like we were from pluto. i felt hella comfortable. we went to the pier.....mannn, if you have a denver nuggets throwback.....BURN IT. everybody and their momma had one on....and them damn jersey dresses. everybody looked the same. no individuality whatsoeva. chics were half naked....lookin like hookas. i felt like a queen amongst scallywags. i rocked a beige linen shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and some sandals. i rocked my fro too. i dyed my hair blonde the day before so it was bright as hell. me and woo stood out.....*evil laugh* to make the long story short, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. ny is so damn big....i wouldnt live there but i like it. that city will see me again when i make it. next....i have been feelin like everybody is treatin me like a kid.....like im a damn baby. im really hatin it yo. first of all, everybody in my circle knows that i DO NOT like bein told what to do...you can make suggestions, but dont eva tell me what to do. i am a grown ass womyn dammit. i admit, im stubborn and hard headed....love me or leave me the fuck alone. if you dont like me the way i am.....STEP.....simple solution. anyway, they treat me like i dont know what the fuck im doin alllll the time...truth be told, i have only been on this earth for 22 years but dammit i have been through much more than the average 22 year old. i listen to the advice that my elders give me but yo....when i feel like they are treatin me like a child....my ears are closed. i have 1 mother and 1 father....and neither one tells me what to do....they know and respect the fact that i am grown. so i damn sho aint gon let nobody tell me what to do. let me do me yo. next....july 1st, a day of new beginnings, at least for me. some changes are goin to occur...im not tellin what they are....just know that da kid is evolving. the blonde hair is just the beginning. peace and fried chicken wings........cream out.

child's play.....i have tried not to put too much on here about my relationship cuz yall want to read about me....at least i hope so....not about me and woo. plus, its not fair to her cuz yall will only read my side of things while her side never gets to be heard. now, i am makin an exception, cuz this has been on my mind all day. wanna hear it....here it go.....when i decided to commit to woo, i knew that she had children and if i was to accept and love her, i had to do the same to her children. her kids are cool...i had to get used to listenin for little footsteps at 2 am, takin care of a sick baby, not havin a damn thing to yourself...hearin mommy 50 billion times a day.....all that shit that comes with step-parenthood. i had no idea that her having children would affect our relationship as much as it has. its not a good or bad impact.....its a real impact. first of all, she is a single parent.....so there is no help whatsoeva. to make it more difficult, we are a lesbian couple (duh). out of respect for her children, we cant do the things that heterosexual couples do all the time. affection and attention is EXTREMELY....let me emphasize that.....EXTREMELY limited. sex has to be planned....which is NO fun at all. it sucks like a $2 hooka. there are many limitations......but this is what comes with her. i think the most high put me in this situation to learn patience....cuz right now, i have no patience....to put me in a real damn relationship where you have bills...kids...issues...not just sex, goin out, more sex, and all that sweet shit all the time......and to learn tolerance. at this point in my life, i dont think i could do what she does everyday....its like she plays superwoman. i mean, if i had to i would, but yo....id be a lunatic. i respect her a lot for doin what she does. but yo....it gets overwhelming at times for me....there are nights when i get so frustrated that i cry....there are times when i feel neglected....cuz i need some affection and some attention...not sayin that she has to be under me all the time....i need to be held sometimes. i want to be touched....i want my presence to be acknowledged occasionally. everybody needs to know that they are loved and appreciated, ya undadig, and i am one of those people that have to be reminded a bit more than others. i need to know that i matter.....that what i feel and what i do matters. my whole life i have.....sacrificed....gave people my all.....and it was never appreciated. when i am with you...im with you totally....and i am goin to give you my all, but the minute i feel uncomfortable or i feel like what i am doing or feeling is in vain, not appreciated, being noticed, or its one sided....i withdraw my feelings totally. thats just my way of protecting myself. next....i finally get a day off tomorrow. man, i am soooo tired. my feet hurt....i need a damn pedicure....i need a massage....i need rest. i want to chill in the ac, drink a glass of merlot, and just be easy. hopefully....ill get them tomorrow cuz dammit i need them all. well, thats enough for now....i need to shower. this damn heatwave aint no joke. peace and cool breezes....cream baby out.

CALL DA PLUMBER........same shit, different toilet...day in and day out....all i know for a fact is that im damn tired. this shit is gettin old...smellin...and dammit i am tired of smellin it. tired of lyin with it and to it....denyin its existance....sprayin air freshener....lightin candles....holdin my damn breath.....but dammit, it stinks too much to ignore it anymore. this shit is smellin up my entire house....im tired yo....im tired....you know what....i am goin to alleviate myself of this stench...ima callin the damn plumber.

love and happiness...pros and cons......i got out the shower, put baby oil gel on my body, wrapped a towel around me, and walked into the room. my touch lamp and my tv was on. i looked to my left to see her sitting on my bed with her back against the wall wearing a black wife beater and boxers....watchin tv. i walked over to her and stood in front of her. our eyes met and tears ran down my face. she scooted closer to me, wiped my tears, and held me. i dropped the towel and she rubbed me...everywhere she could get her hands to...her hands expressed physically, what she felt for me emotionally. tears kept falling down my face and she wiped them all away. i got on the bed and she laid beside me. i laid my head on her arm and she stroked my hair, my face...she kissed my eyelids, my nose...shit, everywhere. she even kissed my heart. that night, we made love. WE made love. there were no words spoken...we expressed our emotions physically. she made me feel like i was the most precious, most beautiful womyn in the world...she appreciated my body, my kisses, my love....she held my hands above my head and it was like we were floatin...together. i cried tears of pleasure....then....i woke up. next....today i have learned that love and happiness are not conjoined. just because you love someone or someone loves you, doesnt necessarily mean that you will be happy. you can love someone but be totally miserable. true happiness comes from you and the most high. "somebody once said we never know what is enough until we know what's more than enough."- lady day.....thats it....peace.....cream out.

real shit.....i have been more quiet lately.....instead of talkin, i just look and listen. why is it that people talk about other peeps with the same flaws that they have??? does that make any damn sense? its like the pot callin the kettle black. especially chubby peeps....they always talk about someone bein fat. or people that arent attractive sayin someone else is ugly. ummm..reality check...you aint so skinny or cute yaself. next....i dont really eva talk about sex.....but i have somethings on my mind that i need to get out. sex is a beautiful thing....if and only if the 2 people mutually love, respect, and care for each other. i have had some incidents happen in my life that have effected my views on sex so, the topic is real touchy with me. the act is even touchier. (if thats a word) there was a time in my life when i couldnt have sex without cryin. mainly, because i wasnt doin what i wanted to do (being with a womyn) and like i said before, some things happened that effected it as well. so, when i was 18, i decided to become celibate. celibacy helped because it gave me time to clear my mind and really think about why i felt the way i did about sex. i was celibate for 2 years. that brings me to this....sometimes, people dont understand that your sexual history means something. every person you are intimate with is a part of your life forever because you shared yourself with them so be choosy....i sound like a commercial but im dead serious. next...i watched enter the dragon last night. it was soooooooo live. i cant wait to see more bruce lee movies. aight...all this rain has me tired. ill holla.....cream out.

ohhhhh canada....its been raining all day....and i have slept a lot in the past 2 days. i havent slept this much since i was younger. i think i am catching up on all the sleep i have lost in the past 3 years of college. speaking of college...i am anxious to go back to school. like i said before, i plan to do things differently this year. i really need insurance...didnt really realize how important it was until i got sick. plus...i need to go to the dentist...im tryin to get rid of my wisdom teeth before they hurt. next...im still on ice...aint shit changed. i think its gettin worse. im just really tired....tired of doin shit that doesnt benefit me. i have never been self centered but dammit it seems like i should be cuz no one is goin to do shit for me but me. is it beneficial to do shit for other people...i mean really? its like the more you do and the more you give....the more they want and the more they expect. i feel like i have nike prints on my back. and what have they done for me?? not a damn thing. i need to go to bed before i flip the fuck out....i have entirely too much on my brain and its makin me more irritable than usual. miss irritable aka cream.....out.

on ice....retreatism at its best.......i have been writin all day....every chance i have had....i have had a pen in my hand. i have reached an all time temperature low....da kid is cold as hell. my tolerance level is -1,000,000. i really not in the mood for shit right now. im not goin to bitch about the same shit i have been bitchin about....its obvious that shit aint changin so dammit i am. NEXT....love can be the most beautiful process in the world and it can be the most shitty feelin you eva felt in your life. when love is professed.....its nothin but words. but when love is a verb....and not just a damn word....and it is SHOWN....that is the beautiful part. FUCK WORDS....SHOW ME. i really dont feel like writin on here...just needed to get that out. MAKE LOVE A VERB....cream out.

blonde ambition.....when me, woo, and the kids went to the park....i sat on a bench and meditated. its been so long....2 years to be exact....and it felt so good. i find myself gettin back to me...back to when i did what the hell i wanted to do and was at peace. that is the best feeling in the world. when i meditated, a lot of things that i was thinking about became clearer to me. first of all, i have wasted too much of my life worrying about things that dont matter. i keep planning and trying to prepare for the future and get over my past....and forgetting the present. i cant control what happens or what other people do....i am my only concern. thought i learned that lesson....guess not huh. i feel my heart gettin colder....every ounce of caring and compassion i have is easing out of me. i dont know if its a healthy feelin.....but thats where i am at right now. next...me and woo went to a friend's get together at a bar. yo...we looked like the odd couple. i had on a peasant shirt, a long denim skirt with a split up the front, and flip flops with little heels. my fro was out tho. it has gotten soooo big. i was surprised when i picked it out. woo had on a a tan dress shirt with some echo jeans and tims. she had her locs wrapped. one reason why i like connecticut is the people dont look at me like i am a damn alien. at home, they would have stopped and stared. people look at me all the time...but here, they dont stare at me. we enjoyed ourselves....woo drank a cup of beer for $5 and wanted to puke afterwards. i drank a tropical martini....i was a good girl. i try not to drink around people i dont know very well. i tend to get bolder when i drink...if ya think im blunt now...just imagine me drinkin. if i am harsh now....just imagine what i dont say until i drink. i might slap a bitch when i am drunk. anyway, after that, we rode around and talked for a while and then we went to barnes and noble. i saw soooo many books that i want. my bookshelf is goin to be full when i move. i need to eat and take care of woo....she fell down the basement steps. i gotta pamper her tonight...i need a glass of merlot....quand serai-t-je choye?.....il jamais arrivera? peace.......cream out.

tgif....today has been ok so far. got my first check....well it was cash...but yall get it. i have money yo...plus my check from school will be here tomorrow. yo, i am goin to have money. i am so friggin happy. i am not goin to let anything piss me off today...i dont care how many tudes get popped my way....ima let them roll off my back like water off of a ducks ass. *** todays outlook: ***fuck yo cuss menetin smelly ass tude cuz cream is in a peachy ass mood, fuck da dumb shit cuz cream doesnt have time for it, fuck ya issues cuz cream could care less, fuck ya drama cuz cream only cares about the bold and the beautiful not yo shit, and fuck you again cuz i got money dammit. next...everybody keeps tellin me they miss me....i miss yall asses too. yall just dont know. i miss the laughter only a friend can induce....not sayin that i dont laugh now....its just me and my friends are silly as hell. so i dont feel uncomfortable bein silly with them...and believe me, i act a damn fool. their sense of humor is like mine....i have a weird sense of humor and so do they. like i said...i miss yall asses too. next...tonight i am gettin a bottle of merlot. it has been so long since i had one and dammit....i deserve a glass after all the shit i have been through since the last time i drank some. that is the only thing i can afford to splurge on cuz i have so many things that i need. i forgot a lot of stuff at home and i need some new stuff. mainly clothes...yo, i havent had new clothes in almost a year. aint that some shit?? i stay broke....thats about to change tho, cuz da kid is gettin a job while i am in school come hell or high water. i refuse to live how i have been livin for the past 4 years...struggling, barely makin it. fukka that. next....i hope i do something today....go somewhere, do some fun shit. tomorrow me and woo are workin in the restaurant i work at durin the week...but we get to keep all the profit. so hopefully, we will have some money in our pockets tomorrow. shit...i know i will. thats 3 sources of money in 2 days....all blessings from the most high. my only day off is goin to be on sunday. oh well....im makin money. this post is hella long so......cream got da money.....dolla dolla bills yall....out.

surprise, surprise.....yo...last night was.....last night was tight. i got a foot massage until i dozed off then it started lightning. i am so fuckin shook of lightning. anywhoo, woo laid on my tummy and held me and.....things started happening. we went out to our spot and we could hear the rain so clear, like we were outside yo. it was thundering and lightning and the rain was fallin and she was holdin me....damn damn damn. it was so beautiful....for the time it lasted. we always get interrupted somehow....always. neva fails. we were talkin about gettin a room this weekend....that would be so wonderful....no kids, no phone, no interruptions....just me and her. today she took me to this park and it was beautiful. she has been so attentive the past 2 days.....she still has that smart ass mouth and she still is an asshole....but i see her tryin to do better. anyway, i could see me building my life here....which, right now, is what i am plannin on doin after i graduate. i have been workin at this restaurant for 2 weeks now....i am so proud of myself yo. cookin bacon, eggs, sausage, and grits every morning and servin assholes. its not my job at school....but i like it because it proves that i can do shit on my own....i can take care of myself. my determination to make it is soooo strong yo. i will not lose....i refuse. aight...gotta go tend to woo...peace....madame cream out.

dive deep....sittin here...listenin to billie and the rain outside...in my solitude...thinkin...decided to write. today was cool.....i was tired as hell at work cuz i was up all night twistin woo's new growth. she had about an inch of new growth...damn shame. yo, right now...i am sittin here salty as hell....my bitterness towards my father is comin back.....i havent heard from him in 2 months....i hung up on him the last time he called. things got loud....i felt myself about to cry....so i hung up. that doesnt stop me from bein bothered by the situation. i think about it and i get teary eyed....insha'allah....my children will not feel this way ever. next....i want to light some incense, put on some coltrane, lay in the dark.....and have a deep conversation....i want to release all these feelins i have been havin. i want to be listened to....comforted....hugged....loved. i want to feel comfortable....talkin, sharin my feelins....cryin...laughin. i want to hear "baby, its gon be aight." and feel that shit in my soul when the words are spoken. i want to be appreciated for the nurturing, attentive womyn i am....i have realized that what i want and what i have dont always meet. peace......cream out.

whoaaaaa.....damn yo...where should i start. the beginning would be nice...huh. i have been in connecticut for almost 2 weeks now. its cool...so far. woo's comp is fucked up....not my fault tho. we have been through so much....her daughter was in the hospital for 2 days, we are gettin used to each other, i am gettin used to havin kids around all the time....just a lot of stuff yo. i am in love yo...but this is the hardest relationship i have been in. its effortless to love her....it just takes a lot of effort to maintain us. i require attention..especially since its not everyday i get to hold my girl or rub her face while she talks to me....i value every minute that we spend together because i know that 6 weeks isnt a long time...i am going back to va...that altima is goin to ride down my street without me in it...i wont hear her snorin or hear her get up at 2 am to eat....i feel like a part of me is with her...like she is my left foot...she compliments what i already have...she allows me to strut. are my feelings dangerous??? probably. who knows....we could break up an hour from now, a minute from now. nothin is certain except for change and death....all i know is i am in love and regardless of how many times she falls asleep on me, pisses me off, *cough*gets on my damn nerves *cough*....i am in love with her yella ass and she is who i want to grow old with. today, it was confirmed that we arent gettin married in june. too soon...(go ahead and say told ya so)...plus we dont have any money. i really dont know how to feel about the situation... *catch those feelings in the next post* next...i went to ny yesterday (the bronx and harlem)....it was ok...not what i thought. enjoyed the ride there tho. new haven was so much more exciting...i saw a crackhead beat a man out of $140, 2 girls fighting, 2 men get arrested, woo cuss out a jamaican man *suck ya mudda*.....it was like watchin tv. all that excitment yesterday has me tired....enough for now...i need a nap. peace...........cream out.

part deux......yo.....contrary to the popular belief, cream is shy. i know i have said it before. i am shy as hell yo....not much of a talker...i communicate best through writing. which is why i am writing this. i am in connecticut with woo....first day...and i am nervous as shit. i am not much of a talker and i dont want peeps to think i am stuck up or i am anti-social...even tho the later is the truth. this is all new for me and yo....this is my me time....my time to get my thoughts together. aight...not only am i visiting my girl for the first time...i am meeting her fam as well. i have never stayed with anyone outside of my fam.....and to top it off....i am 8 hours away. its a lot to take in at one time. woo is too tired and too occupied to notice but i am feelin some kind of way right now....i have a mixture of nervousness and fear....messed up combination yo. i know in time, this feeling will go away...i hope it leaves soon. she made some baked ziti.....maybe i will feel betta after i eat....when i am have things on my mind i tend not to have an appetite. next....i talked to my mother this afternoon. i missed some drama....praise the most high. something always happens when i leave....lucky me. i miss my fam a little bit....they get on my last good nerve and i cant spend more than a week with them without gettin frustrated, irritated, or down right pissed off.....but i luh they asses. aight...thats enough ventin...i gotta fix woo's comp...think i fucked somethin up. lata....creamy puffalicious angel.....out.

baisse moi.....its been a minute...i know. well, i went home and put my computer in my closet.....i was only home for a week anyway. no sense in hookin it all up and then packin it all back up again. anywhoo, my week at home was cool. my mom's boyfriend didnt get on my nerves too much. the only thing he did to really piss me off was eat all of the caramel cake...da kid didnt get one damn slice. my niece is gettin so damn big yo. im startin to corrupt her mind already. i taught her to say "shut up". *evil laugh* nah, thats the only bad thing ill teach her. dont want her bein a damn heathen. next...did decent this semester...got a D in law tho. shit...all the exams were true/false....i would have preferred essay based tests instead of that shit. oh well....i got an A, 2 B's, a C, and a D. as long as im passin....i dont give a fat monkeys ass. ima try to make the deans list for the rest of my college career tho. i know i can do it....its just applying myself. i made the deans list my first 2 years of college. next...woo came and got me yesterday...she was 2 hours late. i was worried...pacin the living room...yo..i watched at least 6 episodes of the cosby show while i was waitin on her. then finally she called and said she was down the street. it felt soooo good to be held yo. it had been so long. she laid on my boobies and i laid my head on her locs and we slept...a little. theres that evil laugh again..heheheh next...the ride to connecticut was.....long. we were actin silly as normal so that made the time go by fast. woo tried to freeze me to damn death.....i might have a bug....woke up snifflin. we got here at 5 am....i put down my bags, took off my pants, and went to sleep. i woke up and forgot were i was...i was lookin around like where...in...the...hell...am...i? woo woke me up at 9...*sigh*...we engaged in some "activities" damn.....good mornin bay.......now im wide awake and she is knocked the fuck out. im talkin bout snorin and errthang. i am a little salty cuz i am sittin here....doin nothin....hungry as a weedhead that smoked a quarter of highgrade....i feel icky....but i know she has gotten at the most, 8 hours of sleep in the last 2 days....so maybe i shouldnt be too salty...she still is gon hear it when she gets up...shit. well...this shit is hella long...sooooo...miss cream....dat chic in ya wet dreams....is....out.

2 days and a wake up.....takin a study break...listenin to this had some shit on my mind.....decided to write. i am not goin to be able to go to quinnipiac because they will not accept my financial aid simply because i do not attend their school. i was hurt at first...got mad as hell...then decided....it aint so bad. ill just go to plan b....stackin my money. cream always has a plan b...sometimes a plan c. i have a big plan in my head yo...i have been thinkin on it for a long time. i finally decided to act on it. but first....i got to get my money right and i have to absorb every damn ounce of free education i can online. that prolly doesnt make sense now....but when i do da damn thing, it will. plus, me not goin to school will allow me to spend more time with my girl.....it will allow my brain some time to chill. next....finals.....what can i say? bullshit, thats what i am gonna say. i have a 8 page essay, a take home exam, and a bunch of cases to brief.....all in 2 days. my big day is thursday. i have to pack thursday night....then friday morning....im out. next....i am so tired of this....im gonna be on here from now on. conversation is a little more mature. aight...back to work. peace....cream out.

ill take yo cookies......for the past 3 days....i havent been in my room much. people have been callin...leavin evil messages. "where are youuuuuuuuu????" *smh* well, get used to me not bein here cuz ummm.....i have exams all week and then im goin back to my momma's house on friday. am i excited...yeah, kinda. i need a change of environment but then again i am going into an environment that i really dont want to be in. a week sharing the same living space as my mom's boyfriend who i really strongly dislike....lawd. on a brighter note.....2 weeks and i will be in new haven. i am nervous about that. im going to be in her space...never been in any of my exes space....they all came to me. this time, im leavin my comfort zone and entering hers. i havent seen my girl in 2 months. i cant wait to just chill with her...play with her locs....its goin to be so nice to look down and see her asleep with her head on my boobies. i have to make sure everything is cool for summer school....im going to have 3 weeks of vacation before i go to summer school. that is so damn dandy. i need a break. next....went to the riverfront and took pics. i walked on this pier...i was scared as hell yo. it was real shaky and diallo's dumb ass kept jumpin. then he said to walk in the middle of the damn thing cuz i guess thats where a big steel beam was. where does it matter where i walk...if it fell, we both would be in the damn nasty ass river. the ohio river is so damn dirty yo...its a ugly green color. there was a man fishin...i personally would not eat nothin that lived in that water. i wouldnt even stick my feet in it. next....i got my tatts darkened...it didnt hurt at all...but now, they itch like hell. i feel like i have about 10 mosquito bites on my arm and my back. i dont remember tatts itchin this much...gettin them aint the bad part...its waitin for them to heal that is hell. when i get to connecticut i want to get another tattoo and get pierced. i dyed my hair champagne blonde...how does it look you ask??? it looks the damn same. my hair is a trip yo. it does not take dyes well. its about 1 shade lighter. so...next month, ima try again. i want to have blonde hair with fire red tips. aight...this bedtime lotion has me yawnin...so ill holla lata. peace....creamthatcantbewhipped....out.

ne me quitte pas....my day started at 2 am. me and woo had an argument.....a bad one. after thinking about the whole situation long and hard, i have come to this. i am dealing with a lot within myself. i am fighting the inner demons that are trying to take over me. i have dealt with so much bullshit in my life, been through, seen, and felt so much. contrary to what people may think, i am not depressed. da kid just has a lot of shit on her mind. so the times i seem distant or i am real quiet...i am thinking. by the way...if anotha mofo asks me why i dont smile......i dont smile simply because i dont have to. not that i dont have anything to smile about, i am somewhat healthy, im alive, im living......i just dont choose to outwardly smile. my soul smiles all the time...my mind giggles.....my heart sings. i am just not one to smile...and if by chance you see me smile, know that more than likely its a reflection of yours. anywhoo, back to the topic, i have been through a lot......i have days that i feel crappy...some days i feel peachy. right now, my relationship with my mother is dwindling down to nothing. her man is home so she doesnt have time for me. it hurts me but i have to remember that i am 22 years old....i am not a baby anymore. i am getting ready to go home...home is not where i grew up or where i go on holidays....home is in connecticut with my girl. she is trying so hard to make me feel better...i just dont think she can relate because she has never been where i am right now. so, i always tell her she doesnt understand how i feel. she tries tho. i love her so much...so much more than she realizes. i know this is mad short but gotta take my ass to work so i can buy my books for summer school...ill holla. cream out.

vanity 6.......i havent felt like writing. really, i havent felt like doin much of anything. yesterday, diallo got me out of this damn room...almost had to drag me out....we went to charleston. its about 45 minutes away. mayn, to be the capitol, this shit looked like my hometown and my hometown is small as hell. the only thing that was different, was they had a big ass mariott downtown. what i found weird was....when we went to the hood, why in the fuck was there a cadillac dealership right in the middle of that bitch?? like a constant reminder of shit that most people in the hood will never see....unattainable because they simply cant afford it. i was lookin for a popeyes...i luh popeye's chicken, dirty rice, and biscuits. yummm. i didnt find one tho. guess ill have to wait til i get to ct. we went to a sex shop too. yo, i have neva seen sooo much kinky, nasty, shit. saw fake pussies....they had little open spaces on the packages so you could feel the texture of them. none of them felt like pussy to me. i saw blow up animals....pigs and sheep. anything you could think about was in that store. i had to hold in laughin......soo much shit in that store will make you giggle. its funny how people wont look at you in the eyes in that store....goin to the nasty sto aint nothin to be ashamed of dammit. if you wanna buy a plastic full size fist, some whips, a 40 oz of astroglide, and a blow up chic.....do what u do. next...i have an issue. sometimes, i want to sit and vibe about poetry or politics or astronomy...shit, something with some substance. my conversation doesnt consist of deep shit all the time.....i am not one of those people that cant talk about simple shit. its just sometimes, i wanna have an intellectual conversation. i need my mind stroked. its not starvin...i make sure i feed it...sometimes i think it overeats and gives me a headache....shit, i just wanna know stuff. i want to expand my mind....see how much knowledge i can acquire. i feel like am the only one tho....i always have. always felt different cuz i would much rather go to a museum than a jay-z concert, stay home and write than go to an open mic night, be by myself than in a room full of people, listen than talk.....that list goes on and on. i guess i have to accept the fact that i am different than the average and i have to entertain myself....mentally masturbate. fucked up...but true. now that my buddy artiste is graduating and has to turn in her computer....i dont know what i am goin to do. laaaaawd...what am i gon do??? i need to get some sleep...feel my eye swellin (damn pollen)....i have done enough writing fo one day. peep da 2 posts below....they are new as well. peace...cream dream out.

fuck ruby slippers.......i find myself....not wanting to talk to my fam. may sound strange, but i really dont. i mean, everytime we talk there is another issue. same shit, different toilet. its always drama, always problems. always something yo. ALWAYS. there is nothing pleasant....except my niece's giggle. my niece is my heart yo....she makes me want kids of my own. i am not lookin forward to going home...im goin to be there for a week, then i go to connecticut with woo....but i have to come back eventually. my ex used to tell me that i was a different person when i am at home....i agree. i am much more stressed at home. home is a place i am not lookin forward to. cream out.

random thoughts.......2 weeks and counting....i will be on my way home and then a week later, i will be on my way to connecticut. yo, its like all of a sudden....people are inviting me places and wanting to be around me all the time. anybody that knows me will tell you that i am slightly anti-social...well no....they'd say i am real anti-social. i agree...to a certain extent. i dont like being around a lot of people. i like being by myself. always have. people get on my nerves....i am very easily irritated. damn, i cant stop sneezin. shit. anyway, i am turnin down all invites...including the one to go to atl for the week....i need to stay here BY MYSELF and get some school work done. next week is the week of transition. i get bored very easily and its time for a new look. not feelin the one i have right now. i have an appointment to get my tattoos darkened. they have lightened up sooooo much yo. they are barely there. might get another one...heheh...if i have enough money, which i think i will. i gotta make a couple of moves and ill have a new tatt for the summer. wonder what ill get and wear ill get it....hmmmmmm, wouldnt you like to know. might fuck around and get a piercing ***evil laugh***. im dyin my hair blonde next wednesday. thats nothin new...i have done it like 5 times. the diff is....i am not goin to rinse my hair for the first 2 weeks. goin to read my book...feel inspired all of a sudden. cream out.

down to earth.....when i am in my room at night, loneliness creeps in. i just feel mad lonely at night. i am fine during the day. when the sun sets....i start wishin my girl was here with her head on my boobies. over spring break, she would lay her head on my boobies and hold me and about 5 minutes later, id hear her snorin. i miss sleepin on her locs (yeah they are that long). they smelled so good. damn yo. 27 days and ill be with her. next...friday, me and diallo went to the riverfront and to a big ass park after i got my blood taken and got my prescriptions. (results back this week) yo, the riverfront is sooo damn pretty. i sat next to the water, ate a chicken quesadilla, and sipped raspberry iced tea. i got a little tan too. i skipped around like a little kid....felt like a little girl again. next time i go, i have to take pictures. the park was pretty too...big as hell....it has a little creek running through it and a little bridge....looks kinda like something out of a fairy tale...damn i want to take sooo many pictures. im finding myself getting into photography a lot more. lookin at marc bapiste's "beautiful" and talkin to artiste has sparked something inside of me. i mean, i have always liked taking pictures.....always said "that would be a tight ass picture"....even leaned out of a 6 story window to take pictures of the moon. da kid has an eye....from what i know and from what i have heard. cant wait til i get my camera. next...my easter was ok. i wanted some damn ham but i didnt get any. *poutin* i talked to tia for about 2 hours. she is going through some things and needed to vent. i didnt mind cuz she doesnt call me with issues all the time. weird thing is, we are a lot closer than we were when we were together. thats my dawg. hopefully, when me and woo go to georgia, we can stop by and see her. i dont know if i could be in the same room with them....they both make me laugh til i get stomach cramps. i told tia that i would cook if i came there. that poor child is livin off of pasta salad and hamburger helper. *smh* her girl doesnt cook. im so glad my momma made sure i knew how to cook everything she does and made sure i knew how to follow a damn recipe. im tellin you, my girl is goin to gain weight when i come up there. i dont cook simple shit like spaghetti...well, sometimes, but i hook it up.....when i cook, i cook. im talkin bout hams, roasts, chicken (fried, baked, jerked, barbequed, or curried), jambalaya, homemade mac and cheese (not that box shit), fresh greens (glory aint got shit on me), potato salad, pies, cakes....you name it, i can cook it. da kid is a chef. miles is puttin me to sleep......goin to bed now....gotta get up early and run. peace.....creamadelic angel out.

peachey cream....i am in a good mood yo....besides the fact that my right eye is swollen and the left eye keeps itchin. last night, me and diallo went to ruby tuesday. i got lit yo. i drank a megarita with an extra shot of tequila. didnt eat anything....that drink filled me up. we drove over this bridge that goes to ohio....it is so damn pretty. it felt nice to feel wind blow through my hair and seein the ohio river. i appreciate the little things. doesnt take much to make me happy. then...i came home and cussed my father out. this bastid aint called in 3 months...called me...and said "hey". wtf you mean "hey". mayn, i cussed him out and hung up. felt good not to cry...not to be weak for a man that doesnt give a fuck about me and never really has....at least i cant tell it. the night i sat on my floor and waited for him to call back and he didnt was the final tic. i refuse to repeatedly put myself in a situation where i am gettin hurt. next...cream wrote me a letter. my mother read it to me when i talked to her today. im glad we are back in contact again....i missed my best friend. he understands me more than anyone else on the face of this earth and i understand him the same way. cream is my brotha from a different motha. i need to hurry up and write him back. next...is phone sex cheatin??? me and tia were debatin that today. well, i think it is...you are fantasizing about someone else....like artiste said "substituting verbal for physical". she said it wasnt...i believe it is. i would be highly pissed if woo had phone sex with another woman. pissed is actually puttin it mildly. i would be ready to cut a bitch. yo, dont know if its somethin in the water...but i have turned into a horny toad. i feel sorry for my girl cuz she gon be tired goin to work cuz we gon be doin da damn thang a lot. from what i hear, i have a very high sex drive.....im talkin bout doin it all day and only stoppin to take showers, pee, or get somethin to eat. my momma said that when i turn 40, *insha allah*, it will be worse. it seems like all i do..is think about sex. all day i....dream about...all day i...dream about sex. i mean, there are other things on my mind....those thoughts get interrupted by naughty thoughts. maybe thats why i have been kinda grumpy....i need some sex...some dirty....smack my booty...what's my name....type sex. some sex that requires me to take a damn nap after. i gotta go get my blood checked later on this morning...so i need to take my yella ass to sleep.....cream out.

on the #9 bus......i was up all night....couldnt sleep, barely could breathe. all i did was sneeze, sweat, drink water, and piss. me and woo had a discussion....right before i went to catch the bus. didnt really feel aight...had tears in my eyes while i sat on the bus stop. i pulled out an old bill and a pen from my pocketbook....here's what i wrote: "cream's rambling at the bus stop"........uncertainty drives me insane. i know you cant worry about things you can not control...im just realizing that i dont have as much control over things as i thought. its like the most high tapped me on the shoulder, stood in front of me, and opened my third eye. i am seeing a lot weakness in myself.....im realizing i am not as strong as i thought. when it comes to people i truly love, i am sensitive as hell. its like, when i care about someone or love them....i give them my all....150% of me. thats not always the right thing to do and i realize that i am exposing myself to hurt and disappointment by doin that. the fact remains that i am a nurturing woman....i am happy seeing the people i care about appreciate what i do for them and if they do for me....they do. i have never been a self-centered..."what have you done for me lately" kinda woman. thats not in me at all. i just need to put my nurturing on pause....get on my john deere....let someone nurture me for a change....see who nurtures me when i stop.....see who cares....and let the rodents and snakes be exposed. i am also seeing an abundance of strength in myself....im realizing i am not as weak as i thought. i have been through a whole lot in my 22 years...most people would be in a psycho ward....but i survived...each day is a reminder that i am a warrior...i was born fighting and ill probably die fighting. trust, i wont take anything layin down...im not a punk...i come at shit with my fists up and my mind ready....and best believe, when the smoke clears, i will be the last woman standing. so, all these things i deal with day to day are the most high's reminder to keep my fists up...keep landin them punches regardless of how tired i am....cuz once i let my hands down to rest....the issues win, the fight ends, and i die. next....i got 3 prescriptions, my iron checked, and tomorrow i have to go get my blood tested for diabetes. am i shook??? hell nah, not anymore. the most high isnt goin to give me more than i can handle. if he/she feels that i can take another load on my back....he/she will bring it....its called insha allah and i trust his/her will. what will be, will be. all i know is, im gloved up...ready for the next round. peace....creamalicious suga baby out.

ri-gotdamn-diculous......i talked to woo this morning and she made me promise to make a doctors appointment at student health. i hate that place...the most high only knows....but i dont have any insurance and thats the only medical care i have right now..so, i gotta do what i gotta do. suck it up and go. for her, ill go. after i talked to her, my mom called me. i told her what was wrong...how i wake up every hour at night because i am either thirsty or sweatin like i am sleepin in the desert or because i have to pee....or all of them. this has been going on for about a month.....i havent told anybody cuz i didnt want to hear "cream..you need to go to the doctor." ill go when i damn well please. dont tell me what to do...i run this and you are not the damn boss of me. *soundin kinda like a control freak huh?* anyway, while i was talkin to my mom, my grandma beeped in. my mom put us on 3-way. i HATE bein on 3-way with them!!!! they play the "who knows more about cream" or "who knows whats best for cream" game. it kills me yo. my mom told my grandma the bizness.....why in the hell did she do that?? my grandma was yellin "cream...you got a bladder infection!!!!" how in the hell do you get that i have a bladder infection from whats goin on with me??? i just said "yes ma'am, ill make an appointment." lawd...then, my grandma hung up. so, i told my mother how scared i am. she said "why you actin like you gonna die or something? its just diabetes, damn." aight...if she wasnt my mother....i woulda flipped on her. shes my mother so i respect what she says but how is she gonna tell me i shouldnt be scared. i dont have anything wrong with my body that i know of and now there is a chance that something is wrong...thats some scary shit to me. i knew i shouldnt have said shit to her about it....but nooooo, i had to open my big mouth. now, my grandma is callin me every 2 hours to see if i made the appointment and if i am drinking cranberry juice, which i drink everyday by the way. im feelin some kind of way toward my mother cuz she doesnt understand how i feel yo. she makes it seem like me bein a diabetic aint shit. well...do i have to get re-occurring gonorreaherpesyphamidia and damn near die for her to give me some encouragment.....for her to say "baby, its gonna be ok." really, thats all i wanted. i just wanted my momma to tell me i was goin to be aight. she acts like me bein sick is no big deal....and really...it isnt a big deal...i mean, there are millions of diabetics in this world, but to have most of your family be diabetic and have to take insulin and 2 of them need kidneys because of their diabetes.....is a big deal to me. to have a doctor tell me i am a diabetic is one of my biggest fears and for her to say that my fear basically, aint shit, hurt me. well, it aint the first time and it damn sho wont be the last. i gotta go to work. cream out.

ooooookkkkkkkk......i been gettin a lot of "cream, are you ok's"....yo, i am fine. i go through shit just like errbody else. the only difference is....yall read it. thanks for yall concerns tho. i feel sooooo much better and all i did was draw and cut up a shirt. i expressed my creativity...that helped. it always has. so, cream is officially out of her mood. im going to a poetry society meeting....havent been in a while. i havent read in a minute either. maybe i need to. next....i cant wait to go home. yall already know that tho. the week i am at my mothers house, i am going to walk my dog everyday..unless it rains. i miss her like she is my child. then, i am goin to plant flowers in the front yard and tomatoes and cucumbers in the back yard. i always wanted to fix my mother a garden so this summer, i am going to do it. i cant wait til she comes and gets me. i have some shit up my sleeve. *evil laugh* i hope i get the classes i want to take at quinnipiac. if not, i dont know what i am goin to do. i cant go up there and do nothin....doin nothin aint me. i have to have something constructive to do or ill lose my damn mind. i have a couple of things i want to do this summer tho: 1) go vegan..i always wanted to do it...got close to it, never did it. 2) go on a real vacation to somewhere i have never been. 3) dye my hair blonde and leave it blonde for a week...never done that, always rinsed it red.....and a bunch of other things that i will add lata. next...im finally goin to the doctor...bein iggin shit for too long. might be a diabetic...it scares the piss out of me, but its better that i know if i am so then, i can treat it. i hate goin to doctors...they never know what the hell is wrong with me. its like they guess....shit, i can guess whats wrong with me dammit. tell me some shit i dont know. then they have the nerve to give me medicine...why would i take that shit if you dont know whats wrong with me??? anywhoo, i gotta go to class...cream's quote of the day: "mayn...i aint spendin money i dont have, on shit i dont need, for people i dont fuckin know." peace.....cream out.

cream's rambling........tears are fallin....i feel weak...like i have been workin all my life...like a slave...i let my past be my master and my fear be my overseer...i wish i could go back, back to when shit wasnt so fuckin complicated...when i was that little brown girl with them pretty eyes like light brown clouds that veiled my pain until things got too heavy and it rained all down my face....and they wonder why i have such sad eyes...if you could look into my life...into my heart...and see what i see and feel what i feel...you still wouldnt understand and you probably couldnt take it. i wanna go back before he, she, it, them, and now....before that curtain rose and indecently exposed my heart to pain....before my purity was tainted and my body was left scarred...before all the bullshit this life has served me on a paper plate....i wish i could go back to innocence.

poo revisited.......i believe this cloud over me is startin to move. its not completely gone but it is gettin there. i have been feelin a whole lot. when i say feelin i mean my emotions have been quite sensitive. i havent felt like this in a while.....the last time was when me and tia broke up. i dont feel any pain.....well, yes i do....i feel....more conscious....more aware of myself and more aware of my feelings towards a lot of issues as well as my feelings for people. operation poo is still in effect. i did not fathom that this process would be so long and would trigger my emotions like this. im thinkin about stuff that happened to me when i was younger that i thought i was over. keyword: thought. some big stuff....some little stuff. i have been walkin to class and all of a sudden and i will see something or hear something that will trigger a memory. or i could be talkin to woo and she asks me a question about my past that triggers a memory. its like all of a sudden, stuff that i thought i forgot, is comin back to me. stuff that i pushed in the back of my mind is comin front and center of my head. next...last night, artiste FINALLY showed me her work and i must say that she is soooo damn talented. i want to buy some of her work but i dont think shes goin to come off of anything...especially that bob marley sketch. when i am rich and famous, her work will be on all of my books, in my restaurants, on my clothes...every damn where. one day, i hope she draws me....blind contour (new art term for cream). blind contour means drawing without lookin at what you are drawing. cool huh? then...i will know how she sees me in her mind. next...i have been having a hard time writing. its not writers block...its me blockin my gift. its my fault...i have been comparin myself to other writers and as a result, i have limited myself as a writer and an artist. there are soooo many half written poems that i have thrown away because i felt that they werent good enough. yo, when i read audre lorde or staceyann chin, i am moved. i started comparing my work with theirs and as a result, i havent felt too hot about what i write lately. i have realized that this thing called writing is not about competition, its all about expressing yourself and people express their thoughts in different ways. a beautiful poem is in the eyes of the reader. i may think a poem is wack that another person may think is hot or vice versa. so, all i am tryin to do is express myself and write from my soul. be the best i can be doin me. peace....cream out.

what up gangstaaaaa......i havent felt like writin....just havent really been inspired. all i want to do is lay in my bed and sleep. maybe its because it has been raining all week. my ankles ache, i feel bloated...code red is long over due (could i be pregnant???...haaa picture that), and im tired of school...ready to chill somewhere and be easy. right now, i have a headache from the depths of hades that will not go away. i wish it would go away so i can go to sleep. i havent had a good nights sleep in a while. i am debating whether i am goin to be bothered this weekend. by being bothered i mean....am i goin to call my mom and tell her im havin some "me" time, cut my ringer off, cut my computer off, and just chill by my gotdamn self. i have been real snappy and evil lately....maybe that is the solution. i hope it rains all weekend so i can sleep in without the sun wakin me up. i need to be rejuvenated....its like i dont have any "get up and go" in me anymore. like i said, i just want to sleep. me and diallo are goin shoppin tomorrow. i have to get some tapes to record these movies for my mom, a bottle of merlot, some benedryl, a padded envelope to mail my girl her cds, gummy bears, an easter card for cream, and some cheetos. next....i was browsin and i want this, this, this, this with this, and these. all that would make me feel betta.i dont have anything else to write about....well i do....but i dont feel like it right now...maybe later. peace. cream out.

irony....here is my damn horoscope for the day:
You may be getting frustrated with love and romance, dear Capricorn, because they seem to be causing more tension than calm and relaxation. No one said love was easy, but it doesn't have to be completely miserable, either. The key is to not get too stressed out about the little things. Know and expect that not everything is going to exactly match your highest expectations. There are many aspects of a relationship that you simply have no control over - namely, the other person.

things fall apart....an hour ago, i cried. i finally released all the pain and stress i have been feelin for the past 2 weeks. i havent been myself lately....cuz i have been under so much pressure. i feel how i felt when i came to college. i could have went to school 45 minutes away from home....i didnt. i chose a school 4 hours away. i needed to get away from home before i lost my life through my own actions or someone else's. now, i am planning to move to connecticut when i graduate. that is a big change for me. comin to school was 1 thing....i would not have seen 22, if i had stayed home. i was with someone that physically abused me. the only way to get away from him was to leave home...and thats what i did. i wanted independence...i wanted to do my own thing. right now, i am so scared...i have never lived with anybody....i am so used to being independant that the thoughts of me being dependant scare the crap out of me. movin to connecticut would make me totally dependant. i dont like being dependant...never have. i took my training wheels off of my bike and taught myself to ride. i didnt want anybody helping me. if i was goin to learn....i was goin to teach myself. i am hella stubborn...i admit it. i wont ask anybody for shit. if something needs to be done....ill do it myself. i never want someone to be able to hold something over my head..."oh, i did this for you"or "i did that for you." i wish i knew what the future holds but only the most high knows my destiny....so i guess i am s.o.l.. this situation is forcing me to deal with issues within myself. the next one is trust. i have a hard time trusting people. yo, i can name the # of people i trust on 1 hand. it takes a lot to get my trust and if it is ever betrayed.....thats it. im not big on 2nd chances. you fuck up once...you are dismissed. me and cammie talked about all that on friday night. made me think a lot....why is it so hard for me to trust someone or be dependant on someone? i say....it has to do with my past experiences...not just in intimate relationships....it comes from the relationship i have with my family too. i have been hurt by my fam as well as people outside of my fam and it has made me very reserved when it comes to people. next...tonight, when i looked in the mirror....i didnt recognize myself. i mean, i knew it was me....but my reflection didnt match my self-image. goin to bed....need to gather my thoughts. lata....cream out.

one mo' gin......i am not sure if i already had a post called one mo' gin...but yo, that song is on my mind right now. next...im riiicchhh byyttcchhhhh.....well, not right now...i will be one day. right now, i got a little change in my pocket but i gotta save it for my books for summer school. savin money is hard for me...how do you save money when there are things that you need that you dont have??? i guess thats called sacrifice. that has been the word of the weekend and the question of the weekend is...would you do the same for me?? still thinkin on that. im tired of bein the person in the relationship that is sacrificing something....for example, i was thinking about transferring to my ex's school when we were together. she couldnt transfer because she has a full basketball scholarship....sooooo, i had to be the one that transferred. im tired of bein understanding. im tired of being the one that is sacrificing something...sacrifice for me dammit. overstand me. if i gave up my life as i know it....left the familiar and moved to a world of uncertainty, if the tables were turned, would you do the same? next... yesterday, me and my buddy diallo went to circuit city to exchange the memory chip i bought that didnt work. cream didnt have to cuss anyone out....they gave me the right one, i installed it all by myself, and now my comp has no molasses in its ass. next...i have this issue. its like, my brain links songs and smells to my memories.....if i hear a certain song, i automatically think about someone or if i smell a certain brand of cologne, i think about someone. its crazy. for example, if i hear "beautiful" by tweet, i think about me layin in the bed while my ex was drivin...it was dark...everything smelled like vanilla and coconuts (i was tipsy from some bu).....she had that song on repeat while we were talkin. she said that song expressed how she felt about me *yeah right*. thats a neutral memory....i dont feel good or bad when i think about it....its just a memory. i just wish the memories that pertain to my exes step to the back of my brain. is it....nah, ill keep that to myself. next...im in a mood. <--that is ya warning. i need to be listened to....not just heard. i feel i am bein heard...not listened to....not felt. that shit urks the fuck out of me. when i feel someone isnt listening to me....i get heated yo....i either walk away or hang up. i know that seems childish....thats just me tho. i listen to people so i expect the same in return. i shouldnt have to ask for a fuckin conversation yo...and i am not goin to. in addition to that, my mind needs to be stroked. i am tired of masturbating my brain. its gettin old yo. damn old. artiste is sick so i havent been conversin with her a lot lately *get well soon suga*....she keeps me sane yo. constant reminder that there are women that appreciate a good conversation with some "substance". yo, i just feel myself gettin more and more heated and deeper and deeper into the depths of moodiness...so ima end it here. peace....cream out.

i have had a lot on my plate lately....3 papers in 1 week...exams...tryin to get everything together so i can go to summer school in connecticut...just stress yo. i havent been in the best mood lately...been down right mean. i just dont feel like bein bothered...i mean, i dont mind listenin to my closest friends (yall know who yall are). i dont wanna hear no bullshit from anybody else. unless you are goin to pay me $50 an hour to listen to you and and another $50 for my advice....dont call me. i have my own issues i am dealing with....leave me alone yo. i know that sounds mean but yo...you dont know how many people call me to vent. do i call them with my problems...hell to da nah. i know i give good advice but damn. just needed to vent...peace...creamalicious out.

case of the ex......chapter 1.....before i begin....congrats to stinka on the birth of ya blog. next...i was layin on my floor....listenin to basin street blues with my eyes closed. i had my windows open so the breeze could come in....i was havin some me time and the phone rang. i started not to answer it but since it was around 1:00, i thought it was stinka callin on her lunch break. i got up and picked up the phone and said "hello".
the voice on the other end said "suga, i miss you."
my stomach began to feel funny...it started turnin....like i had just ate peanut butter, ketchup, and sardines. somethin told me not to answer the damn phone...just let the answering machine pick up. i replied in my dammit, i dont feel like no shit tone, "what you want yo?"
the voice, slightly cracking responded "i want you to tell that girl in connecticut its ova and come back to me."
*i knewww i shouldnt have said that shit. wrong question. *mentally kickin myself*
I sighed, leaned against the closet door, and said "you had your season. you cheated on me. im happy where i am at, na mean. why dont you hook back up with that chic in jersey?"
*i know that was mean...but i really didnt give a damn.*
there was a minute of silence and then i said "you still there??", cuz for a minute, i didnt hear anything. i heard sniffles and she replied "yeah, im still here."
a long pause."cream, i know i fucked up yo...i know i did. but i know she dont deserve you. she cant love you like i can. what..yall been together fo a month, at the most 2 months. i have known you since september. she came down there once..so what. i seen you 4 times...came to your school and your house. i know she didnt please you. cant nobody make love to you like i can. yo, lemme ask you a question."
*dammit, what da fuck she gettin ready to ask me....mayn, it bet not be stupid cuz im sleepy as fuck and i will not hesitate to pull her muhfuckin card.*
"what yo?", i said in an agitated tone.
"cream, did you go down on her?"
*why in the fuck is that any of your damn bizness??? wha...you on pussy patrol or some shit? nosey heffa.*
"that aint none of ya bizness. what i did with her is between me and her. i will tell you this tho...i dont have ANY complaints."
i sat down on the floor and sipped my tea. the only sound on the phone was her exhaling....she must have been smokin a newport.
"well...ol girl...whats her name?", she asked.
"her name is noneofyadamnbizness.", i said chewin on my straw.
"whateva her name is...she cant love you like i do. i wanna give you the love you need. i know...."
*this bitch got me fucked up. she wanna give me the love i need but you cheated on me and wasnt even woman enough to admit the shit. you love me...but you was fuckin somebody else and lyin to me. *smh* dumb chics...damn yo.*
i interrupted her, "you have no damn idea what love is...much less how to love me like i need to be loved."
she laughed "and ol girl knows how to love you?"
*yo silly ass just dont know*
"hell yeah...she knows. she treats me like the queen i am. i thought that you were capable of that when i first met you...then after a while i realized that you were so used to dealin with scallywags..you didnt know what to do when you got a queen."
she sighed and said "cream, how many times do i have to tell you that i love you and i know i fucked up. i love you cuz you are different...you are the woman that i want to be with. not that bitch in jersey. i dont want nobody else but you", she said with her voice quivering like she was about to cry."look", i said gettin off of the floor, "like i said, i am happy where i am at. all we can be is friends...if and only if you respect my relationship with my girl. if you cant respect us....then i cant converse with you anymore." I leaned against my window and looked at my girl's picture on the wall.
"hell nah i aint gon accept that shit. i love you yo. you was supposed to ride with me this summer...we was supposed to do shit together. aint nobody gon love you like me. cream, admit that you still love me", she said.
she was crying.
for a milisecond, i almost felt bad for her....i dont like nobody sheddin tears....then i thought...
*aint my fault she fucked up....cry me a river beeeeeeooottcchhh*
"i guess you aint gon respect the fact that i am happily taken. and i never said i loved you sweetheart, i said i cared....neva said i loved you."
"you didnt have to...i know you love me."
"well, if you believe that shit....today is ya day cuz you damn sho are april's fuckin fool."
i hung up, laid back on my floor, and vibed to you dont know what love is by coltrane. peace....cream out.

bombs ova baghdad......i am so tired of this whole war thing. its crazy yo. people fail to stop and think that people are losing their lives. fuck how much aid our country is giving iraq. fuck how much money this war is costing. what about peoples lives? tonight, they said that our military killed over 100 iraqi soldiers. is that something to be proud of? thats 100 lives. you know how much goes into creating 1 life?? just think about that. those 100 soldiers are somebodys brother, husband, son, or friend. i am not even goin to talk about the civilians and our own soldiers being killed. it hurts me to even think about it....knowing that they feel the same way we felt on 9/11. you remember how you felt? that fear? they feel those feelings every damn day. enough about that..im gettin teary eyed. yes, cream has a sensitive side. next....mayn, 3 more papers and i will be free. i finished my law paper today. i have a total of 3 more papers to do this semester. cant wait til its ova. im tired of school but i know i have to keep going. i have to. i cant just think about myself...i have to think about my baby. yes, my baby. me and stinka have been talkin about me having a baby. i have always wanted kids. when i was younger, i said i wanted 8. now i want as many as the most high blesses me with. im goin to have a baby when i am 24. 24 is the same age that stinka had her first child and the age my mother was when she got pregnant with me. so, i gotta suck this school shit up. i want to give my child more than what my parents gave me. next...just in case yall didnt notice, i am in love right now. deeply in love. i said i wasnt goin to talk about my love life but dammit....i need to get this out. i love the way she sounds when she hears my voice....the way she laughs....the way she walks...wit a slight pimp....the way she holds me...like i am the most precious and fragile being in this world...the way she knows what i am feeling without me opening my mouth to tell her....the fact that she overstands me and i move her as much as she moves me. i could go on and on. yo, i have never felt like this before....like, i see me and her together sittin on our porch, me 65 and her 77....her sittin in between my legs while i am twisting her new growth.....us still laughin together like when i was 22 and she was 34. i see us together as long as i have breath in my body. stinka...is that your smile or a reflection of mine? next....i want to be held right now. just needed to get that out. bein in this room by myself gets so lonely sometimes. i want to be in a place where i am appreciated and loved...where i can chill and be comfortable. i wish i could blink myself home. oops, i forgot. i dont have one. ill have one soon enough....i am focused ladies and gents.

still cream.....there is a new link page....its plain as hell....no pics....just links (key words..link page)....but its there. peep it. i will be updatin it whenever i find somethin or someone who is interesting. oh...i didnt get no shout outs either. is anybody readin this??? all that hard work and nobody utilized the damn thing. again...its at the bottom of every post ("shout out") so you can comment on each individual post. the tagboard thing is just goin to be a guestbook kinda thing. if anybody is readin this...tell me what you think. next....i havent written in a couple of days....ive been doin a lot of readin and thinkin. i started this book of buddhist teachings and text and it has me open. its given me a new perspective. todays quote: "we attain wisdom not by creating ideals but by learning to see things clearly as they are. wisdom comes from directly observing the truth of our experiences."next...things have gotten better i guess. as much as artiste needed a vacation....i wish she was at school. i need a good conversation fo real. the last time i talked to her....i told her i had a night sky map and i saw jupiter. she is the only person in my space that appreciates that like i do. she doesnt think da kid is looney cuz i leaned out of my 6 story window just to take a picture of the moon. everytime we converse she reminds me that i am not the only one who thinks the way i do or feels the way i do. daz my buddy...sunday betta hurr up before i lose what sanity i have left. next...i work with a damn idiot. my immediate supervisor is super stupid. she just urks da fuck out of me. i gotta suck it up cuz i need my job but yo...i would love to kick her ass in the forehead. ill be workin on 1 thing that she asked me to do...then, she asks me to do something else. i do the work she doesnt want to do. if it involves gettin up...her ass dont wanna do it. just fuckin lazy. her dumb ass just sits at her desk all damn day. she tries to be friendly to me and shit...she should know by my face that i dont like her ass. her voice damn annoys the fuck out of me. today she asked me "so, cream....how is your love life?" *gettin heated* bytch...my love life aint none of ya damn bizness....i dont know you like that and even if i did...i dont like you and dont want to talk to you...so what makes you think that i would disclose any information about my personal life to you? huuhh...will i always be surrounded by people who annoy the fuck out of me? gone to sleep this bitterness off....peace.

stormy weather....this post might be kinda long so go get a snack, something to sip on, and get comfy. first of all, there is a comment link at the bottom of each post ("shout out"). sooooo...let a sista know whatcha think about each post. much love to artiste for showin me da bizness!!! you can still leave stuff in the tagboard thing too. aight...my spring break. well, it was ok. the highlight was meeting my stinka (ya'll knew i was gonna say that). anywhoo, we got to va around the same time. she went to the hotel to take a shower and all that. i came home, played with my dogs, and went a couple of places with my mom. stinka called me from down the street. i wasnt ready to see her at all....i hadnt taken a shower, started cookin, nothin. i was anxious to see her so i told her to come up the street. when i saw her car come up the hill, i got butterflies. she stepped out of the car and i was like daaayyyyuuummmm. she is so adorable and her locs are long as hell. she has the cutest babyface. i cooked jerk chicken, rice, and peas for her. to make the long story short, i really enjoyed myself with her. i have never met someone like her in my life. its like, we vibe so well together. thats my wife....i luh her ass. next..honey (ex #2) called me 50 billion times while i was home talkin bout she is goin to take me from my girl and she was goin to come see me. what part of "i dont want yo ass...i am happy with my woman" dont yo stupid ass undadig? next....home. i felt a lot while i was at home...a mixture of relief, depression, anger, happiness, and pain...with a side of bitterness. being there makes me feel sick. its a toxic place fo real. not literally....i just dont belong there. so are so many bad memories there....people, places, and bullshit i would like to forget. everytime i go back, it hurts me. its like, having a sore and everytime the scab forms, someone rips it off. i cant stay there and remain healthy. it has taken me soooo long to clean up all this shit in my life and i refuse to let home shovel more shit my way. when i graduate, i am moving to new haven, connecticut insha'allah. i love my fam but i am beginning to accept the fact that i cant be healthy around them either. i really dont like my mothers boyfriend...i have reasons to, believe me. anyway, he is supposed to be moving in to my mothers house in about a month. well yo, if he is there, i wont be. i love my mother but i dont have to live with her. she asked me how i felt about it...well, damn, what can i say? shit, its her house. so my damn opinion doesnt matter. so, like i said, if he is there, i wont be. i wont ask her to make a choice between me and her man, because as much as she says that she wouldnt choose someone over her kids, i know in this case she would. me and my brother are grown now and we have our own lives. so, she is goin to do her thing. of course i am hurt..but thats the way shit is. ***brief interruption*** the chic that lives beside me hasnt been home 2 hours and she is already fuckin. dammit. i bet her boyfriend was waitin to tap dat ass. damn shame. let me stop bein a hata. if my girl was here there would be no words but strip and strap. *gettin goose bumps* i hope my stinka comes to visit me before may. well let my neighbor know how good sex is supposed to sound. dammit. back to the topic...im slowly detaching myself from my fam. i dont feel like i can be myself around them. its like, everything i do is wrong. every damn thing. they have an issue with me bein a lesbian. my brother told my mother he doesnt understand why. my mother still thinks its a phase. aight ma....3 damn girlfriends is not a phase. as far as why....dammit i dont know why. thats just the way i am. would i intentially make my damn life more complicated than it is? hell nah. i have never felt this much...shit...in my life. im just tired yall. i feel like.....im walkin butt nekkid through a thunderstorm and there is nothing around me to shelter me...its rainin so hard i cant even see in front of me.....all i know is im walkin forward and im tryin to keep my head up but everytime i lift my head...the rain makes it hard to breathe...im cold, im tired of walkin, tired of cryin...yo, when will this shit stop?