i know its been a long time....entries seen to come less and less frequent nowadays. so much has changed. some things i want to talk about and most of it, i dont. ive been writing in my journal and have neglected my blog. anyway, im here now. a new year is approaching and im so friggin excited. 2007 is gonna kick 2006's ass. not that 2006 was horrible. ive just gone through a lot of changes....learned a lot, cried even more, i got extremely schoolsick, made a decent amount of money, blah blah blah. in 2007, i only have 1 resolution and that is to become better....have more, do more, be more, live more, laugh more than i did in 2006. most high willing i see it, ill be 26 on 1/15/07. im officially grown. no more excuses for me not doing what i need to do for myself. playtime is over. the future is now. next....me and ms dubb's friday night at macados routine has been going on for about 2 months now. i get tipsy every friday. its funny now, i think my body has built up a tolerance for bong waters. chay drinks 2 everytime we go out. i dont know how she still gets tipsy. im glad we go out, even if it is to drink. i need to get outta the house and go somewhere other than shopping or to work. its an expensive routine tho. on average, i spend at least $20.00 every friday. $80.00 a month. thats rather expensive. thats a pair of heels or an outfit. so, yesterday i bought my own alcohol and spent $30.00. i got blue curacao, vodka, and puerto rican rum. me and friskins drank 2 shooters called tiddy water. **they shoulda never gave me a bartender's book** tiddy water consists of vodka, rum, and blue curacao. the recipe said to put 2 raisins in the bottom but raisins are disgusting. it really does look like toilet water tho. after we drank our shots, we both drank a gremlin. a gremlin consists of 1 1/2 ounces of vodka, 3/4 oz of blue curacao, 3/4 oz of rum, and orange juice. we were both really tipsy. i wouldnt say drunk because we both were still walking around and weren't stumblin but umm...yeah....we were seeing spaceships over roanoke. i cant wait for new years because its probably gonna be worse. damn shame. yo....this new restaurant opened up called "zaxby's" here and im addicted. the best chicken tenders ive ever had. i dont know how im gonna lose weight when i love their spicy fried mushrooms and chicken tenders with honey mustard. its soooooooo good. im droolin just thinkin about it. me and friskins are going to get a platter for new years so we can put something on our stomachs in preparation for all the alcohol we will consume. if i call u on new years and say something weird, im drunk. hmmmmkay? next....ive changed my views when it comes to love and relationships. im still open. that hasnt changed. my legs arent going to be tho. ive decided to be celibate until i meet my neo. it shouldnt be hard at all since there isnt anyone around here that im interested in. nothing but losers, drug heads, crazies, and the confused around here. im like a swan in a sea of mud ducks. im also gonna make myself wait at least 3 months before i will be intimate after meeting someone that could possibly be neo. if its indeed true, 3 months without sex wont be a problem with her. quite frankly, i know im sittin on some superior, spectacular, superb, wonderfulness so its definitely worth the wait. plus yo...my brain is just awesome. i have a helluva personality too. i am the shit, if i say so myself. and im not the only one who thinks that. i just have to work on feeling that way all the time. i know everybody has their down days but im workin on having more up days than down days. i want to be able to look in the mirror and see whats positive and not just the negative. being a big girl in a skinny girl's world sucks occasionally but regardless, i make this look good. you will take a second look and so will your mate. hehe. aight, thats enough for now. i need to get back to work. in a minute....peace and love for self.....prolific out.

geeked up.....ladies and gents....im fuuuuuucked up. im startin to see spaceships over roanoke. i went out with ms chay deezy and she got me drunk. nah, i cant blame her for this shit. she ordered almost the same thing i did. i drank a bong water for the first time *****that shit will have u fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up***** and then i drank a bahama mama. i am so fucked up yo. if a chic was here, i couldnt do shit but look at her and pass out. damn shame. i wanted to go out because i never do shit on my days off except stay in the fuggin house and read or get on my computer. i called chay and she was down for an outing so i got on my clothes with some 4 1/2 inch heels and left. yo, i shouldnt have worn those shoes. i was an inch away from bustin my ass. i could probably jog in those shoes sober but uhhh...drunk, hell no, i barely walk. shit, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. i saw some of my momma's friends at the bar. damn shame, they have known me since i was like 5 and they saw me drunk. damn shame. oh well, im a grown ass woman and i do what i want. as a warning yo, if i type some random shit, blame the liquor. next.....i was one of the 290324302 million people out shopping at 3 am yesterday morning. the things i let my sister talk me into. i didnt go to sleep until 9 am this morning. the original plan was to go to best buy but when we saw that line wrapped around the building 2 times, we turned around and went the other way. we walked around walmart and laughed at the people that were in line for a hdtv and come to find out, there were only 10 tvs but 150 people in line. ctfu...there were some angry white folks. i bought a couple of dvds that ill probably never watch. we went to the mall and i bought 3 sweaters on sale for 11.99 a piece. im always buying clothes...im turning into a clothes horse. when i get paid its going to be worse. anyway, i bought some smell goods at victoria's secret for my auntie. once i got my hit of liquid crack (caramel macchiatos from starbucks) and a chicken biscuit from chic-fil-a and i was ready for another round. that is until i came home and laid in my bed. when i started playing with my hair, it was a wrap. im functioning on 4 hours of sleep, plus im drunk. smh...the shit i get myself into. next....my thanksgiving was boring. i worked with a buncha whiney people. i wished i was at home sleeping in a turkey induced sleep. yo..did i mention im fucked up? ill probably read this shit tomorrow and say i typed too much but so fuckin what. i write what i want. i do what i want. in a minute.....peace and bong water.....prolific is finna pass out.

baaaaalliiiinnn.....ok ok ok....im here. ive been putting this post off because i havent been able to sit still long enough to write so this might be a lil long. well, it depends on how long i can sit here without doing something else. my attention span is becoming shorter and shorter. i need to work on that. anyway, grab a snack and get comfy in your chair because you just might be here for a while. where to begin....11/15/06, my momma's 50th birthday. i planned a little party for her. we all (my fam and her friends) ate at red lobster and had a balllll. we had a room to ourself and i know we were loud as crap. we had 2 waitresses and they earned every single dollar they got from tips. dealing with a bunch of tipsy,hungry, negroes isnt easy. i got a cake with her baby pic on it and got a hotel room with a jacuzzi just for her to get away for a day by herself. i set up the room with rose petals on the bed, special bath and body works bubble bath for the tub, a bottle of alize, a bottle of bacardi, and some snacks for the night. she cried a lil bit because she was so damn happy. i know how to organize a party...get on my level. lmao. me and friskins went to the indoor pool and whirlpool for a couple of hours after we dropped my mother off in her room. yo, that whirlpool felt so damn good yo. i want one in my house. friskins swam in the pool and took a buncha pics with my new camera. ill put them on my flickr later. next...christmas is coming up and i have no idea how im going to pay for all these friggin gifts. i have to start saving because i have a big project lined up. im not going to disclose the details yet. trust, its big tho. ive been having weird feelings yo. on one hand, i think...damn im single i can do what i want and have fun. then on the other hand im thinking, all this damn dating, talking to 109230902 people, and all that isnt me at all. right now, i love someone so much yo...so much that im willing to start the process of...commitment. anybody that knows me knows how hard it is for me to commit. i dont know what im going to do tomorrow or how im going to feel tomorrow. i would hate to hurt someone because i change my mind about being "taken". the next relationship i get into will definitely be a no label relationship. once you put a label on something, it changes it. it makes it have expectations and stuff. i want it to be whatever we have is what we have. things tend to work out smoother that way. no labels, just 2 people lovin each other and not worrying about whats going to happen in the future because as we all know, the future isnt promised. how can u truly enjoy life if you are constantly worrying or planning for the future? what happens when what you plan doesnt work the way you planned? fuck all that. lets enjoy the present. right now is all that matters. the past is gone and the future might not come. i guess all of my zen readings are starting to kick in. next...coonery is alive and going strong. i can not believe the amount of garbage on the radio now. if you want to hear good music ladies and gents, turn off the radio. ive been on psalm one as of late (peep her myspace, she is dope). please listen to something of substance that doesnt involve any poppin, snappin, perculatin, etc.. next....thanksgiving is tomorrow and im not looking forward to it. i really dont have an appetite. im not big on eating a whole lot of crap anymore. im tryin to cut out a lot of the garbage i eat. taco bell cant be good for me. im not eatin a lot, i am lookin forward to the alcohol. hehe. i cant indulge too much because as always, i have to work. thats ok tho. im earning 2 paid leave days and im off on friday. im not going shopping tho because as always, im broke. *sigh* aight, thats enough for now. i need to get back to work. in a minute....peace and mojitos....pro out.

rebel.....its been a long time because quite frankly, aint shit been going on. i go to work, i come home. true indeed, i see a lot of funny things happen everyday but i just dont feel like writing when i get home. that damn job drains me sometimes. i know its made me quite insensitive. hearing people's problems all day and hearing people bitch and moan and moan and bitch constantly, has made me slightly numb. shit happens. thats all i can say. a couple of weeks ago, i wasnt feelin too hot. for the first time in a while, i started to cry. that shit ended abruptly. ive realized that crying doesnt solve the situation. sure its a release, but if i do cry, i cry, get my shit together, and move on. life is entirely too short to be worrying about what somebody is doing or worrying about if they are playin you or some other silly bullshit like that. people are going to do what they are going to do regardless. why should i worry about it? is that going to help the situation if it happens? hell no. so, i say, fuck it. if you are with me, you are. if not, fuck your life and your existance....and im sooo sincerr about that. ive realized i can count the number of friends i have on one hand. i bet a couple of people are wondering if they are included. well, if you have to think about it, you probably arent. next...this past weekend i had so much fun yo. me, whit, and my sissy went to lynchburg which is about 45 minutes from where i live. i had to get the hell outta roanoke. this place was makin me wanna hitchhike outta here. anything to get away. lynchburg is smaller than roanoke (yes it can get smaller than the noke) but it was like a breath of fresh air. well, rewind that. we went to the mall before we left and i got a canon a630. yoooooooooo...its a beast. i finally can take pics of my sissy wearin her stunna glasses at night. (inside joke) my old camera was a piece of ish to say the least. after i got my new cam i promptly gave the old one to my niece. a 5 year old with a digital camera......smh. anyway, on the way to lynchburg we laughed so much. we are all some funny chics. we spend 3 hours in the mall. i came out with some smell goods from bath and body works, a baby blue chenille sweater(to match my baby blue heels), a chocolate chenille sweater, and a bunch of other clothes from lane bryant. i got a lil out of hand. shopping is my addiction. everybody has one and dammit.....if i could go shopping for a living, id be a happy chic. we ate at a japanese steakhouse and the food was awesome. i drank a weak ass zombie and ate some sushi too. on the way home we sang old ass jodeci songs. where are those dudes anyway? i havent talked to my best friend in almost a month. she is going through some things so i understand she needs her space but i miss you yo. artiste call me soon homie. aight, thats enough for now. ill holla. in a minute...peace and samadhi...pro out.

bennu....i want to burn anything associated with you, soak it with diesel goodbyes and unleaded heartaches...burn anything connected to a thought or a dream....plans of matrimony of a match made in lies....empty words capped with empty promises accompanied by excuses spread upon my ears before the sun greeted my face...i want to incinerate my heart and watch it burn like the tears when they fall from my eyes...bathe in lava to erase traces of kisses and touches. i want to rise above the ashes where memories once inspired smiles on sour days and tears every other week, fly past the past....so i can finally be free.

i wonder.....if she knows how inferior i feel around her. she is beautiful. sure, she has her flaws but over all she is beautiful. i know i have the degree, i have the good job, but i dont have happiness. i dont have serenity. i dont have an ounce of esteem. i wonder if they know how much pain i have felt in the past year. so many changes. so many issues. sometimes i just want to say fuck it all and move to wyoming or montana...live in the boonies where i dont know anyone and no one knows me. somewhere i can sit and write or paint and be myself. i wonder if this build up of tears that i havent shed will hurt once they start flowing. cant hurt more than my heart right now. i wonder how many people would notice if i took a break. lets see. in a minute....maybe 5....peace and kleenex....prolific out.

focused.....i havent updated in like 38291 years. well, its not that bad but dang, its been a while. now that i know how to utilize the e-mail to your blog thing, i should be ok. all of the things i want to write about seem to come to me when im at work or about to doze off. im still studying zen, just not as much as i was. im just taking everything one day at a time and every day i learn something new. ive been thinking about my experiences when i was a young college student with nothing on her mind but school. if i could go back and do it all over again, i would. i loved college as much as i complained about it. i know i would do a lot better tho. thats why im so determined to go to grad school. i want to keep going. hell, if the most high allows me to live to be a great grandma, i might have 4 bachelors degrees and 3 masters degrees. i plan to go to school forever. you can never know too much, in my opinion. im faced with the issue of, should i have a child first or should i get my master's first. i know if i get my master's first, i wont have a child until im at least 28. i dont want to be all old trying to fun after a toddler. if i have a child first, it might not get my master's degree until im 40. i was thinking, why cant i do both? it would probably be entirely too hard. *sigh* so much to do in so little time. my business ventures arent lookin too good. mainly because i havent done a lot of work. everything is still in its beginning stages. my business partner is about to go to film school so she probably wont have a lot of time to devote to the business. my plan is to mail her an introductory package full of stuff i have made and she can sell it and i can tell if its going to do well or not. i know it is tho. i have that much faith in my product. as far as the t-shirt thing, thats going to have to wait a while. i have an idea for a side hustle. im not going to write too much about it because someone might take my idea. all im going to say is, photography on another level. i plan to be very financially comfortable by the time im 30. not rich, but comfortable. not living paycheck to paycheck. being able to take a real vacation. i have to remain focused. next....i have to have surgery on my mouth tomorrow. well, on my teeth. all i know is, i had to wait 4 months...probably longer than that...to have this shit done to half of my mouth. dont you know its going to cost about $400 for half of my mouth? thats before insurance kicks in. ill probably have to pay about $100 out of pocket. *sigh* i planned to take my dog to the vet to get some shots and a checkup but he just might have to wait. in a way, im scared. ive never had a needle in my mouth. hell, i have never had a cavity. ill be aight...ima champ. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

dharma and pro....yesterday before i went to work, i bought "the complete idiots guide to zen living". i have the e-book but i enjoy reading the book so much that i wanted a hard copy. anyway, i took the book to work with me so i could read it on my lunch break instead of watching t.v. or something else mindless. i had the book on my desk and my supervisor came up and said "zeeen living? whats that?" as soon as i said "ZEN buddhism, meditation, stuff like that." this chic removed her hands from that book like it was the textbook of satanism 101. she walked away and i continued to do what i was doing. she came back and sat beside me and said "god said you shouldnt put any other god before him." the look on my face was priceless yo. i gave her the "what the fuck did you just say to me?" face. anybody who has seen me, knows that face. i am sooooo tired of christians, not just black christians, all christians, acting like anything that isnt related to the bible is of the devil. i went on to explain to her that i am not a buddhist, although i read a lot of books by the dalai lama and about zen. i am not a christian. i go to church because i enjoy going, not because i believe its going to get me closer to heaven. i am spiritual, not religious. i dont feel that any one religious group is the chosen group. you notice that every religious groups outside of buddhists think they are the only people that will be in heaven? religions divide people, not the most high. just because im studying zen doesnt mean im not going to heaven and just because you go to church every sunday doesnt mean you are going either. zen isnt a religion any damn way. its a way of life and thinking. stop being so fuggin scared of shit you dont know about. if you dont know, READ. knowledge is free...go to a library. damn sheep. then this broad had the nerve to say "i was going to take yoga but somebody told me that it had something to do with religion." *sigh* at that point, i gave up. again i say, READ. yoga has nothing to do with religion yo. it amazes me how many sheep there are in the world. too lazy to educate themselves so they can form their OWN opinions about the world. its easier to conform. well, i refuse to conform and i refuse to be a fuggin sheep. fuck your opinions and fuck your existance. nobody lives my life but me. *gettin off my soapbox* next...today me and my sissy walked to this new trail that was built a street over from where i live. i thought it was going to be lame, to be honest. the part we walked was about a mile long. its kinda like a nature trail. you are surrounded by trees and you can hear the creek beside the path. i dont know what made the city to decide to build it through the hood but i dig it. hopefully, it wont rain tomorrow and i can take some pictures. its the perfect place to take photos. expect a link to my flickr page soon. anyway, i even walked my dog through the path. i let him run free and his stupid ass rolled in rabbit shit....or at least i think it was...i wasnt tryin to smell it. when we came home i gave him a bath and gave him all of my buffalo wild wings bones so needless to say, he is a happy dog right now. my calves feel like shit but other than that, im good. im going to commit myself to walking through that path more often. its a nice walk....just to let everything that is going on in your life go and just focus on the scenery. it made me feel like everything that was on my mind was mundane. my sister wants to start running through there. im not sure about all that but i will walk. i gotta walk before i run, lmao. thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace and spirituality....prolific out.

namaste.....in front of my comp (of course) blastin joi in my headphones. suga you should know that i just wanna fly to the moon and even if you wont take me i know there will be anotha rocket comin by soon. this weekend has pushed so much emotion out of me, things that i havent thought about in years came out. i guess the zen thing is working. my mind is purging out all of the garbage from the past 25 years. all of the times i allowed myself to be violated and abused mentally as well as physically played in my head like a movie. its weird how you push things in the back of your mind and you think they have left your mind but they really havent. meditation is a helluva thing. the first time i sat down and meditated, my mind went blank in the first 10 minutes and then the story of my life played in my head. when it finished, i got up and wiped my face and blew my nose (yuckers, i know). come to find out, my niece had been knocking on my door for 20 minutes and i didnt even hear it. weird. my mind was somewhere else. the whole experience had me shook up for a minute. i wanted to call my bestest friend artiste but i knew she was probably at work since she is always at work. i already woke her up outta her sleep last week. i know she doesnt mind tho. she is my best FRIEND. not someone i call when i just want to vent about my problems or someone who just calls me to vent about their problems. we have been friends for almost 6 years now and never met in person. its amazing how we are so damn close but never met. whats more amazing is, we arent on the phone every 5 minutes. we dont have to be. we converse at least twice a month and if she tells me she is gonna call me back and she doesnt for 2 weeks, i overstand. i know respect her moodiness and she respects mine. *sigh* friends, how many of us have them? hell, how many of us have ONE? next...i took the day off to finish my project for my interview tomorrow. im nervous, but ill be ok. the worse thing they can say is no and its not like i havent heard that 5011 times before. in due time, someone is going to say yes. everything in its time. i know that i have been neglecting not only my business but my writing. my writing has suffered greatly due to the fact that i stopped doing it. i lost focus. in a way, im glad my business didnt start when it was supposed to because i know i dont know enough about it now and i knew even less when i proposed the idea. i want to perfect my crafts...my art and making my own products. in a couple of years, i want to be a household name. i want my books in your briefcases and on your bookshelves. i want my art to be hung in your home. i want my hair and body products to be a staple for your day to day routine. so, presently im working to become a better person, a better lover, a future mother, a better businesswoman, a better friend. in a minute....peace....the one who is better than sex, drugs, and hip hop, the one that took any half you had and made it whole, the one that put the motion in ya ocean when we were sailin in my bed, the one who put the pen to the pad of a microphone fiend....out.

tyrone......nobody knows when they have had enough until they have had enough and im filled to my brim with fed-up-ness. im ready to start all over again. i found out i lost 10 pounds since the 4th of july. hell, i wasnt really trying, i just havent had an appetite. i think im gettin a bug, my throat feels hella funny. im going to bed. in a minute...peace and love...pro out. ps....look at the vids. feel some kinda way.

bittersweet part 2.......i cant believe im awake this early. maybe it has something to do with the fact i went to bed at 12:30 and went to sleep about an hour later. i didnt feel like doing anything but chillin. well, i didnt get the job i went on the interview for. i knew i wasnt going to get it when they told me they had someone from one of their other offices that wanted to transfer back AFTER they saw the job posted online. how can i with my rookie ass compete with that? they called me and asked could they keep my application on file.....whateva. now i have to focus on this other job i have an interview for. im trying to think positive instead of becoming discouraged. its hard when u hear nothing but rejection. ive decided that its time for me to get my license. i downloaded the driver's manual to study so i can get my learners permit and drive legally. after i get my license, im going to grad school. i know i cant depend on anyone taking me back and forth to school. its bad enough i have to depend on someone to take me back and forth to work. speaking of being dependent, i hate that fuggin word. thats one thing i really dont like being. ive realized me not driving has made me dependent so im doing something about it. i dont want to depend on anyone for anything. next.....despite me studying zen like crazy, im officially on ice again. i have to protect my heart and well being. when i love, i tend to love hard. that tends to bite me in my ass...fuck that...everytime ive ever been in love, it has bit me in my ass. too many chunks are missin from my ass now so i have to protect my heart....and my ass for that matter. no time for heartache and tears, i got too much living to do. in a minute...peace and love.....prolific out.

haiku's gone wild

i cant be your girl
my needs and your life dont meet
fuck you in advance.



im not what you need
my maintenance is too high
like clouds in the sky.



love's overrated
my heart has been bruised so much
it feels like its numb.




stepped away from fear
into possibility
im falling in love

london bridges.....im bangin this damn fergie song and shakin my ass....be afraid, be very afraid. i dont know why im diggin this mindless shit. maybe its the beat. ive been blastin my music all day. ive had a lot on my mind and the music has eased the tension a lil bit. have you ever been like...."you know what...enough is enough. i refuse to accept any bullshit from anybody anymore." i said that to myself when i woke up this morning. im tired of people taking my new found niceness for weakness. when i finally decide to open up...hold that thought. my playlist is on random from songs my friends have sent me for the past 6 months. why in the hell does urban mystic have a song called "fuck song". smh...can u please be more creative with your title dammit? if annnnn broad played this song for me trying to set the mood, i would promptly leave the premises. thanks for the effort, fuck you, urban mystic, and that fuck song, good night. *back to your irregularly schedule prolific programming" when i finally decide to open up, be nice, a lil more social, people do shit to make me go back into my batcave. im on ice once again ladies and gents. peeps gon start calling me subzero in this bitch. me and a friend of mine were talking about how weird my feelings flow. i can love you one day and you do something and ill act like you never existed the next. love or no love yo...i have to protect my feelings. my tolerance for bullshit is at an alltime low so if you are on some bullshit....do yaself a favor and vamoose. yall can kiss my asshole. *vulgar as hell, i know* next....still looking for a new job. my job aint horrible but i know that i can do better. much better. im enrolling in a master's program this spring. i need some more money in my life. i like shopping to much. shopping is like.....*sigh* aight, me and fabuloso have a date in the bathroom and the kitchen. in a minute.....peace and right effort....prolific out.

if you cant have the one you love....then where are u going in your life?......im lost.

freewriting part 2893092903.....its been a long time but right now...at this very moment....i feel a sense of extreme happiness. almost feels like im dreaming. i got a lil money left over after i paid my bills. no work this weekend. someone posted 2 of joi's cds so i could download them since i was having a hard time trying to purchase them (yeah, ill buy joi's cd because i know its good). i just finished eating the best steak i had in a while...so tender i didnt even need a knife...and to top it off, it didnt give me a headache. my life is pretty damn cool right now. sure, i could complain...but why? the good outweighs the bad so im enjoying the good and disregarding the bad. i got the urge to write, which hasnt happened in a while. i have had this big burst of emotion come over me and its producing soooo many positive things in my life. ambition has tapped me on my shoulder and words have asked me to dance. there is no way i could possibly express everything im feeling right now...but know that im aight. i had a long conversation with my best friend in the whole wide world (artiste you need to hurry up and get another blog, i miss your words) and now i have a sense of direction. i decided a long time ago that if i continued on the path i was travelling, i would die. physically eventually, mentally as soon as i let myself go. in all honesty, i let myself go...go into a place that i will never go again....stagnancy. im responsible for me and my happiness from this point until my very last second on this earth. that being said, im washing my hands of a couple of people i have allowed in my space that are just taking up space....offering nothing but negativity. i dont have time for the bullshit, i gotta lot of living to do homie. a lot of shit i gotta get done. in a minute....peace and LOVING YO SELF.....prolific out.

summer madness......it looks like its gonna rain hard as hades in about 5 minutes. im glad cuz it is HOT today. when i got to work today, the supervisor from the shift before mine told me that 2 people called in today. well, that leaves 3 people, including myself. i know things happen but damn....both of yall called out. *sigh* ive only called out 1 time and that was because i was sick as hell with a fever. i have even came to work with a fever...cold as hell...literally shaking because i was so cold. i dont know, maybe my work ethic is different from everyone elses. if i am not throwing up, im not too sick. now, the day after i blacked out, i went to work like a dummy but i left early because i started to feel bad again. im trying to save all the vacation time i can so i can possibly go on a vacation one day. i dont know where im going, but i know i want to go somewhere. next...i just read about the marines that killed 20 innocent iraqis. i know im late but wtf if going on? i know nothing if fair in war but killing women and children is down right sick. i read about a man who was holding an iraqi girl who had been shot and her brains fell out of her head onto his boots. first of all, that man will be scarred for life. i think the men and women in the military who serve in iraq will come back here crazy. seeing death everyday....people with limbs blown off, babies with gunshot wounds....that is bound to have an impact on their mental health. the war in iraq is a modern day vietnam and those troops that make it back here will be mentally unstable just like most of the vietnam vets. *sigh* back to work i go....in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

braids and beauty......my lovely sister frannie fresh braided the front of my hair last night. i have about 15 little cornrows in the front and i pushed the rest of my hair back into a ponypuff. i looked in the mirror before i went to work and i be damned if i dont look like a middle-schooler. i have the body of a grown ass womyn but the face of a pre-teen. in the midst of all i have been through, im glad i still look a lil youthful. the round face with the chubby cheeks and the button nose make me look like a kid, especially when i smile. ive been downing more and more water lately. im trying to get my health in order. im wayyyyy to young to have the health issues i have. i might not be able to reverse what ive done so far, but i can make sure it doesnt get any worse than it already is. eventually, i want to stop eating meat but fish, limited sugar, rice, or bread, and work out at least 3 times a week. everything in its time. today im wearing 4 1/2 inch heels and i feel quite sexy. i know my feet are going to hurt when i get home but ill just soak them and wear little heels the rest of the week. its something about heels that make me feel sexy....probably because they make my lil short legs look long. im only 5'5" so my legs are rather short. when i put those heels on the legs look long, the muscles in my legs are more prominent, and the walk.....wooooooooo. all i gotta say is, ya better watch ya mate because the stroll always turns heads. yeah, im a little cocky when it comes to that. aight homies...back to work. in a minute...peace....prolific out.

flower......hold my hand and just listen.....lately i have been noticing more femininity in me...kinda like im a flower blooming and since im blooming i tend to want all things prissy....heels, skirts, perfumes, lotions, pedicures, manicures....none of which i paid attention to before now. i go shopping every payday for something to add to this new found femininity. i have a skincare regimen now.....wtf? i actually have nightgowns to sleep in instead of shorts and a t-shirt. its weird now...i want flowers and all things romantic. im turning into a mushball. *gaggin* right now....i would love to be made love to......candles lit with heated massage oil, with bilal playing in the background. i want a full body massage...well no i dont cuz ill go nite nite after that. i want to slow dance...my head on her chest as she softly sings whatever song is playing. i want our lovemaking to be passionate, unselfish...i dont want orgasms to be a thought....all that matters is she is close to me and me close to her and at that time....we are 1. fantasies are a mutha. next.....three nights ago, my father called me and told me that he has liver cancer. i dont know how i feel about it to be totally honest. i love him because he is my father but i dont know him. when i found out my grandfather had cancer, i cried immediately. my heart literally ached. i dont feel that way now. my father and i have always had a rocky relationship. i dont hold any grudges toward him as far as what he did or didnt do in the past. my brother and i sat down and talked about the situation and we both feel the same way. i think its bothering me a lot more than its bothering him tho. he said if our father died, he is not sure that he would go to the funeral. now, im sure im going. i dont care if i have to catch the bus up there, im going to his funeral. everybody in my family keeps calling me and telling me to be strong, things are going to be ok, blah blah blah. i wish everybody would leave me alone about it until i figure out how i feel. thats enough...going to bed. in a minute...peace and love...prolific out.

freewriting...ready...set...im at the old police department and the silence is soothing. i get so tired of hearing people...talking to people...i think thats why im comfortable being by myself. lately, i havent wanted to talk at all. i talk so much at work, by the time i get home, i have verbally exhausted myself. i hear so much crap at work, by the time i get home, i dont want to hear any bullshit. my best friend is moving tomorrow....the genesis. im so happy for her. makes me realize there is no such thing as stuck when it comes to my life. there is always a way to move up, over, on and when you mess up...back. im so damn indecisive...i think everything out before i act...afraid that the mistake i make now will effect my tomorrow. im tired of always thinking rationally. my mind bullies my heart constantly. im starting to believe the walls i have built around myself cant be penetrated. glass walls that were built for the sole purpose of avoiding heartache.....you can look in but no entrance homie. my father called me 2 days ago to see if i was ok. its been about a month since i talked to him. something is telling me that something isnt right...im fighting not to think about it. grown man with old issues...cant worry about things i cant change. got too much stuff on my mind as is. thought about calling his mother....probably would if i had the number. good thing is....i dont. might say some things that shouldnt be said, at least to her. i know its not good to hold grudges...i pray the most high forgives me for this one cuz ill probably hold it until one of us leaves the earth. i bought some clothes and perfume today. im buying heels and getting a pedicure tomorrow. being ladylike is scaring the hell outta me. its breaking my pockets too. dresses and heels were never my thing until now. i think subconsciously i didnt embrace femininity because i saw it as being weak and i never want to be weak. i wanted my exterior to reflect my interior. almost always wearing nothing but jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and fleece pants since i was 12. like mary said...ive been strong for too long....possessing enough strength for everyone to thrive from all the while hurting myself in the process. i welcome womanhood and piss on weakness. i need to start living and stop existing. trust my heart a little more. love and live like its the last minute of my life. overstand the things that make me different, make me a flawed, yet wonderful grown ass womyn. psssstttt....love is admitting that she, everything, and everybody on this earth isnt perfect, but despite imperfections, you got me. in a minute.....peace and love...prolific out.

Reflections......So many thoughts running through my head at one time. Friends....how many of us have them? I am blessed that I have a friend that I can tell anything to at anytime of the day. I know your mate is supposed to be like your best friend but hell, who are you going to vent about them to? That's where my best friend comes in. Its strange...We've never met in person but I know I can trust her with my thoughts. That in itself is deep. I haven't met too many people in my lifetime that I actually trusted like I trust her. If we don't talk to each other for 2 weeks....Its cool because we both know that we have periods of time where we don't want to talk to anybody. True friendship is rare and I thank the most high I've experienced it. Artiste, you are my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Thank you for being here for me. Next...self love. I think about it all the time....How many people really, truly, love themselves. I cant raise my hand. Sometimes, my actions don't reflect self love. I do soooo many things to effect my mental as well as my physical. If you love yourself, you don't do things to harm yourself. Knowing the dangers of smoking and you still smoke, you are intentionally harming yourself so does that reflect self love? If you give your body food that you know isn't good for you.....Do you really love yourself? I don't reflect self love in the least. After I got out of the shower, I stood in front of the HUGE mirror in front of the sink and came to a revelation.....I've been so busy loving other people that I forgot to love myself. I stared at myself for about 15 minutes....the dark circles around my eyes that I try so hard to cover up...I've bought bleaching cream to try to make them fade but of course they are still here. A doctor told me they come from my allergies. Why haven't I accepted them...looked at them as if they are just a part of me? My lips that for a long time I thought were too full. Lips that have been appreciated by may but not by me. The lips I bite when I'm thinking. I smiled at myself and saw the slight gap between my front teeth....and I wondered why I don't smile more than I do? Maybe because I think I need braces. I moved down to the girls....as big as they are they should be called the 2 grown womyn. I'm the only one in my immediate family that isn't bottom heavy. I'm top heavy with thick thighs and a lil booty. My tummy that I absolutely despise....its funny how I couldn't even stare at it for a minute before I got tears in my eyes. I remember when it was damn near flat and I screamed when I saw my first stretch mark on it. Now, its covered. I feel uncomfortable being naked around anybody. Before it got big, something happened to me that I rarely talk about and probably wont write about. Maybe its still here due to the fact that I haven't gotten over that incident. Maybe once I let it go...it will leave. From there I looked at my thighs which I think are too damn flabby right now but they are still sexy as hell...Down to my feet that are busted and in need of a pedicure ASAP. For as long as I can remember, I haven't liked the way I looked. There was always a complaint...nothing ever positive came outta my mouth regarding my appearance. I'm 25 years young and things haven't changed. I'm my worst critic and since everything starts in your mind...I tend to get my mind right. I plan to first, get my mind right....start dealing with issues that I have been afraid to deal with. I plan to be on this earth for a long time...I cant have my fears, stress, past issues effect my mind which in turn, will effect my body. I'm ready to live my life and finally fall in love with me. In a minute....peace and overstanding....prolific out.

the real black sheep.....i wonder how much of my thoughts i can type before its time for me to go back to work. right now i feel.....lonely. i only feel that way occasionally because as everybody already knows, i enjoy my own company more than anybody elses. maybe its because today, im more irritable than usual i feel like being babied a little bit. im at the complaint desk at work today so that automatically puts me in a piss poor mood. i have heard so much dumb ish today that i just want to go somewhere and DRINK. liquor would be nice but unfortunately i dont have any. when i go home i want to eat my sandwich from sheetz, take a bubble bath, and be easy until i calm down. i dont know whats bothering me so much....whats making me so damn angry....all i know is, im ready to scream at the top of my lungs. my brother's girlfriend is on medication now because she is officially bi-polar. i laughed at first but then i thought...damn, could i have some chemical imbalance that makes me wanna cuss everybody who either invades my personal space or says something stupid?? mental illness is one of my fears. everybody jokes about being crazy as hell but gets a little shook when it could be true. i dont ever want to have to take a pill to keep me from spazzin out. i dont want to be dependent on anything to maintain my sanity. hell, i dont want to be dependent on anything at all. ok...my time is up. in a minute...peace and sanity....prolific out.

swiftly....this has been a long week, praise the most high....today is finally friday. im off this weekend and after a head busting headache, being on medication for my sinuses that makes me dizzy, dealing with inane people at work....i need a break. i plan to make this weekend GRAND. i am going shopping, getting my toes done, experimenting with my hair (im tired of this fro yall), and getting some well deserved rest. so if you call and i dont answer, dont be mad....im doing me. next...i realized this week that my life could be soooo much worse than what it is. i could be an unemployed mother with bad heathen kids, broke all the friggin time, have a chemical imbalance that makes me spaz out in 1.8 milliseconds, have an incurable disease called ignorance....but im not. my life isnt so damn bad. i have a good job...living comfortably....sane when im not at work....physically and mentally disease free, no kids, and im smarter than your average chic. how ya luh dat? *blowin kisses at myself, catching them, and putting them on my face*. aight, thats enough. in a minute...peace and love....prolific.

white turns to gray 2.....random thoughts......she makes me FEEL...makes me feel human...free to giggle..free to be freaky (lmao)...free to expose the scars left from this life ive lived...she is adamant...determined....she WILL be the soothing cure for scars left from past loves and there will no longer be me but us. she will be my liberation...my escape from this emotinal tomb i exist in....she will be more than some ol fake ass blackplanet wife after 2 weeks shit...more than some chic that fucked me with no emotion, no passion, no love, leaving me with nothing a heart devoid of emotion, mental frustration,and an unsatisfied cooch. nah, she wants to be above average, superior, the queen of my heart...the conqueror of my insensitivity and brashness...she wants to convert me into a believer of love. she makes me angry i never appreciated the art of kissing...my lips only used for forming words and orgasms...she makes me angry my hands dont reach miles away, i ache to feel her skin...i want to inhale that bittersweet scent of her arousal...i want her hips to whine on my face like im her jamaican tune and my tongue will lead to her redemption...her freedom from woes this life she lives weighs upon her...she makes me angry that my heart has boundaries built by years of sadness....its not easy lovin me...but its even harder for me to open my heart to love. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

Capricorn

It could be that a mental war is brewing in your world today, dear Capricorn. There is an extremely active part of your psyche that needs to be heard. Feel free to say your piece openly and honestly.



this might be a long post because i have a lot on my mind. i was looking forward to my weekend off. well, my father came down here after i told me that i didnt feel like being bothered. to make the long story short, he came down here and he and my mother got into an argument....the last thing i wanted to see. there are so many negative emotions between the two that i knew it was bound to happen. i looked at him sitting on my couch and thought about the times when i was hungry or when i didnt get a damn thing for christmas or when the men that i trusted physically abused me.....he was somewhere laid up. now, he wants to move here and "right his wrongs". the wrongs cant be righted in this lifetime. it would take more than just a couple of visits, calling me occasionally, and popping up when you werent invited to make things right. i sit in front of him and i dont know what to say...what can i talk to this man about? im closer to my mother's boyfriend than i am to my own father. now, dont get it fucked up, i love my father but its a weird type love....like, i love him but i dont like him. he has done soooo much stuff over the years that im really surprised that i can talk to him without getting angry now. ive made a lot of progress but not so much progress that im cool with him poppin up whenever he feels like it or he can just move here and we could have the perfect father-daughter relationship. thats not going to happen.
i went to the doctor yesterday and everything that is wrong with the world is due to my weight. the united states cant find weapons of mass destruction...due to my weight. i cant sleep...due to my weight. it has rained all day....due to my weight. ya get the point now? im just sick of this whole weight issue. ive always had a problem with my weight...every since i was young. ive always been chubby. now that im trying to eat right, nothing is happening. its like im eating 9489283 cheeseburgers a day when really im eating salads and fruit with taco bell once a week. i want to slim down to about 175 pounds. i know i didnt gain this weight over night so its not going to go away but dammit, can i at least see a little bit of progress? i want to start working out again but in order to do that, id have to go to work earlier. thats not a big deal except im not looking forward to working out in front of a bunch of cocky police officers. *sigh* the doctor told me that i need to start working out. now, i dont mind working out but i do mind being tired all of the time. how in the hell can i work out when im tired all of the time??? its like no matter what time i lay down, i go to sleep when my body is ready, not when im tired, if that makes sense. i go to bed between 230-430 every morning and then i wake up about 4 times before i get up. the things the doctor told me, i could have read on webmd or something. im starting to believe that healthcare is a fuggin joke around here. the doctor did take some blood so it could be tested for diabetes and a thyroid problem. im thinking positive about it tho.....i know what i have to do to prevent diabetes, its just a matter of doing it. all i know is, i have the poorest self-image of anyone i know and that is sooooo NOT hot fiyah. i got a lot of work to do. in a minute....peace and love....prolific.

do you......today started off for a lack of better words, eff’ed up. my mother had to go to the doctor because her eye has looked like someone hit her in it for the past week. i had to convince her to go because she hates going to doctors. hell, i do too but if my eye was swollen like hers, i would have been at the hospital yesterday. so, while she went to the doctor i had to babysit the child that she keeps during the day. now keep in mind that i’m usually good with kids…adults are usually the ones who piss me off. not this child. she cries all the time, even when nothing is wrong with her. after you feed her, she pukes not only from her mouth, but her nose too and that’s after every feeding. her mother holds her constantly and so when she comes to our house, she wants to be held. well, sorry to be the meanypants but uhh…..im not holding her all day. she better chill in the vibrating baby chair or the swing for a while. anyway, she cried from the moment my mother left until she came back. to top it off, she had a diarrhea diaper too. now, anybody that knows me knows i cant stand poo. i can barely stand to look at my own. i changed her diaper and washed her because she had poo going up her back. it was disgusting. i’m proud of my accomplishment….i can now change a shitty diaper without puking. i’m not going to front, i gagged a lil bit but no puke. i need to get a little more patience before i have my own child. i have a year to work on it because in 2007, i will be getting prego before my ovaries look like raisins and my hair turns gray. i don’t want to be 35 years old trying to get pregnant. that’s too damn old for me. at 35, i don’t want to chase a toddler around. fugga that. next…..i’ve been hella irritable today. maybe its because i didn’t get to sleep until 11 like i usually do. people keep plucking my nerves and campaigning for a verbal lashing. i’m tired of not being able to do what i want and i refuse to believe that i cant. that mess applies to every one else. i refuse to have a work then home routine. i refuse to be boring. i refuse to just exist. in the words of matt white…..”i do what i want to do…you do what you can.” i wont stop until i get what i want. in a minute…..peace and freelance....the artist now known as prolific....out.

spirits.....its been a long time, almost a month since i have written here. i have been busy trying to make since out of my life and trying my hardest to enjoy the small amount of free time that i have. there is never enough time to do what i want to do because my life is filled with things that i dont want to do but i have to do....dishes, work, laundry, etc. i guess thats life unless you are born rich and dont have to work for a living. i would love to go shopping all day and have time to take knitting classes and go to culinary school but bills have to be paid. having an assistant would be good...then maybe instead of doing my laundry or worrying about cleaning my room, i could focus on my businesses. anyway, i havent written in a while mainly because i have been LIVING. not to say that i wasnt living before but recently ive been going out and doing things. ive been stepping out of my batcave better know as my room and i have been enjoying myself. i dont even know where to begin. me and miss dubb have been going to a bar almost every week for the past month. ive realized that my tolerance for alcohol is higher than i thought. the night i drank a cosmopolitan and a bahama mama i was standing on the line between tipsy and drunk. i try to drink something different every time but miss dubb always has to have her strawberry punk drink....lmao. tastes like frozen strawberry koolaid with whipped cream on top if ya ask me. ive learned that bartenders can be some ol shammin mofos. i ordered a long beach iced tea which is supposed to have the same amount of liquor as a long island iced tea but it has cranberry juice instead of cola. there is even a 2 drink maximum with it. that drink did absolutely nothing. that night was just a bad night tho....my sandwich wasnt right, the drinks sucked, dubb's girlfriend called her actin like i want dubb *sidenote...steppin to the mic* chics need a life, seriously. i dont want ya girl....we are just FRIENDS. 2 chics can be friends and not fuck. im not attracted to her like that...she is like my brova yo and unlike most females that you know, i have morals. i dont fuck just anyone and i DONT fuck my friends. commitment is a prerequisite of cream's panties droppin 400(sorry kiddies, no freshman courses offered ova here....upperclassmen only). if you have to worry about her strayin, maybe you have some insecurity issues you need to deal with. *droppin the mic* aayyyye dubb....i had that clip of the dog from family guy dancing a long time ago. it makes me think about us in the grocery store now...lmaoooo. next....ive realized that as social as i have been lately, im still anti-social. i dont want to talk half of the time. if i could go all day on mute, i would. my job requires that i talk to people and my fam wants to talk to me constantly so thats not an option. maybe one day. time for me to go back to the ol' j-o-b....peace and bahama mamas....the artist formally known as cream...out.

not again......its been a while, i know. i felt this sudden urge to write and here i am. ive had a fever averaging 103 degrees for the past 2 days. working for the police department hasnt been good for my health. this is the 3rd time ive been sick since christmas. people keep telling me to get a flu shot next year but im entirely too paranoid to get one. i dont know what they are injecting into my system. might be something that could potentially harm me in the long run. i look at it this way, my mother gets one every year and she still gets sick so what does that say about a friggin flu shot? im tired of blowing my nose, coughing like im about to vomit my left lung at any given moment, and these damn body aches and chills that feel like ive been doing 5011 hours of strength training in antartica. if i knew the person that gave me these horrible germs, i would shank them repeatedly with a rusty butterknife.

exactly a week ago, my womyn would make a mistake that has tainted our relationship. she didnt cheat but she disrespected me and our relationship. a week later, im still a lil pissed about the whole situation, im not going to front. i almost said eff it and broke up with her. now, in prior relationships, i would have been upset but never considered ending it. ive grown a bit wiser....especially after being in a relationship with a womyn that i was not happy with AT ALL. i dealt with all her bullshit because i loved her. well ladies and gentlemen, there is a thin line between love and stupidity. my name is prolific and i am a former habitual line stepper. neva again. its takes more than love to keep a relationship together. anyway, my womyn is definitely on probation. everything aint "all good" like it was before her fuck up. i forgive but i dont forget. keep one eye open when you sleep homie.

this coughing is getting on my last good nerve. i got up at 3 am, choking. i got up, walked to the kitchen, took a gulp of absolut and went back to sleep. if you dont have cough syrup, take a swig of liquor. it will clear up any congestion and you'll sleep like a baby. ok....time for anotha swig. in a minute......

inspired by a blog i read***

am i less conscious because......

* i work for "the man"

* i did not attend or desire to attend a hbcu

* my perfume collection consists of more than patchouli, egyptian musk, and nag champa oils

* nothing in my wardrobe comes from a thrift store

* i think some poets are so stuck on being "deep" that their content sucks monkey's scrotum

* id rather eat chitlins smothered in hot sauce than tofu

* i listen to project pat more than miles davis (im a big coltrane fan tho)

* i think the revolution wont be televised.....and the way things are going now, it probably wont happen

* i am a lesbian therefore ruining the "black family"

* sometimes......id rather eat pussy than talk about politics

* i call women bitches....i dont mean it in a bad way unless there is an adjective in front of it

* i believe real hip hop is on life support

*i think bacon egg and cheese biscuits are hot fire

*i dont wear headwraps

*i dig designer labels

* i think toni morrison is overrated

* i like to look at half naked women in a not so artistic way (strippers)

* i usually greet people with "sup" instead of "peace"

*i dont have to find a "deep" meaning in every friggin thing



hmmm.....am i?

part 2 comin soon...........

CAPRICORN WOMAN

A tall slim, cool and quiet woman. Once she is mad she can be very fierce. She can work better than some men and she is very high confident woman. In her opinion, a woman is not just a flower or decoration at home or at an office and certainly not a weak sex who needs protection.

She likes to control and hide her weak emotions. She will never try to change anyone, but she will learn to accept them as they are. If
she does not like someone, she will not comment or criticize but she will completely ignore that person.

She hates plastic and artificial flowers because they make her feel that you are not being sincere. She loves real flowers and the scent. She loves a guy who wears after shave cologne. If you are a type of a guy who wears your Jeans one month before washing, or wear an old sneaker, then you can forget about her.

She loves music and nature even there is a rare case otherwise. She loves to go picnic in nature, so if you don't have so much time for her, you can take her fishing too.

She is not as jealous as Aquarius or Leo woman, but do not cross the line O.K. Better not to see her getting mad, especially in public when she feels like loosing face. She loves to make up and dress perfectly and very neat, so never rush her for this matter.

She has her own
goal in life and does not care if you have a doctorate degree or not, if she thinks you are not bright then she will not care about you at all. She likes smart people by character not by certificate shown. If you cannot show her this quality, go and take a bus and go to the next stop.

She does not like a dreamer who talks about his dream but never put his hands in action to make it happen. Don't bother to tell her "everyone is doing it, you should do it too", or "I think you should do it, it's good for you", because she will do what she wants to do only.

She is a neat and tidy person, so if your apartment is a pigsty , do not take her there. If you go out on a date with her , try to be presentable such as nice and clean dress, clean nails or else it will be your last date.

She is a cool type and will not nag, so easy on your ears. She is a slow but sure type. She
will always respect and honor you and will never try to make you loose your face. If she loves you, she will help you in anything you do.

She likes to help people and expect nothing in return. If she asks you for a favor and does not get one, she will feel very disappointed. She has high hopes and a high faith and believes in her own self than believing in "Luck".

If she is your wife, you will have nice and clean home and a gourmet cooking. If your parents visit your house, they will be pleased. She is a 3 in 1 means , a perfect mother, a perfect housewife, a perfect wife or you could say "happily ever after".

THE 10 LAYERS:

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE.
name: prolific
birthdate: 1/15
birthplace: D.C.
Current location: V.A.
eye color: Brown
hair color: Reddish brown
righty or lefty: Righty
zodiac sign: Capricorn

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE.
-your heritage:
-what shoes did you wear today: None yet.
-your fears: Failure, Horses, Bees
-your perfect pizza: A Sicilian Meat Lovers, light sauce, with extra cheese

-goal you'd like to achieve in life: Happiness and financial comfort.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
-your most overused phrase: How bout no.
-first thought waking up: What do I have to do today?
-your best physical feature: My lips....I hear they are rather sexy. My eyes are second tho....I got sleepy light brown eyes.

-your bedtime: Whenever I decide to chill with Deacon Sheets and Pastor Pillows.
-your most missed memory: INNOCENCE.

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK.
-pepsi or coke: Pepsi
-mcdonald's or burger king: McDonalds....that dolla menu is my friend.
-single or group dates: single
-adidas or nike: damn...that's a difficult one <-- i agree
-lipton tea or nestea: lipton
-chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
-smoke: Nopers
-curse: Like a sailor.
-take a shower: Love 'em.
-have a crush(es): Nope.
-think you've been in love: I know I have.
-like(d) high school: Not really.
-want to get married: Yes and no.
-believe in yourself: Yep.
-get motion sickness: Yep.
-think you're a health freak: Nope.
get along with your parents: For the most part.
-like thunderstorms: Yeah, even tho I'm scared of lightning.


LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH.
-drank alcohol: Yep.
-gone to the mall: Yep.
-been on stage: Nope.
-eaten sushi: Yep, 2 days ago.
-been dumped: Nope.
-gone skinny dipping: Nope.
-dyed your hair: Nope.

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER.
-played a game that required removal of clothing: Yep.
-gotten beaten up: Nope.
-changed who you were to fit in: Nah.

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER.
-age you hope to be married: *silence*
how do you want to die: Old as hell, happy, surrounded by family, and in my sleep.

LAYER NINE: IN A GIRL/GUY.
-best eye color: A real, non contact lens-induced one.
-best hair color: Doesn't matter, as long as it's within reason.
-height: Doesn't matter.

-best first date location: Somewhere nice. *shrugs* I don't really care.
-articles of clothing: Ones that fit properly.

LAYER TEN: YOUR NUMBERS.
-number of people you trust: Hmmmm....3.
-number of cd's i own: Too damn many.
-number of piercings: 3
-number of tattoos: 2.
-number of times been on tv: None.
-number of times in the newspaper: 3.
-number of scars on my body: Too many to count.
-number of things in my past that i regret: None, really.

in time......It’s raining outside and I wanted to say…rather I need to write a whole lot and quite frankly, I can not write as fast as the words come to my mind but I’m going to try. Today I had an epiphany….something slapped me in my face so hard my head still hurts. I’m still looking for beauty in myself. I’ve been looking at myself, highlighting the negative and downplaying the positive for so damn long. After 3 emotionally draining relationships with people that damn near sucked every ounce of self esteem and energy I had, I’m just beginning to regain my love for self. It blows my mind that I’m 25 years young and I have let this self hatred go on for so long. If you asked me a couple of years ago if I loved myself, I would have given you the “What the hell you think?” look and said “Damn right I love myself” Now I realize the love I claimed to have for myself was nothing but bullshit. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to stay in those toxic relationships with people that didn’t have good intentions or my best interest in mind. You live and you learn, I guess. Now that I’ve recognized the issue, I’m working on it. The prerequisite of achieving my goals is loving myself totally. I know I will always have flaws, everyone does, but the difference between now and then is I will see those flaws as beauty, not as something to be ashamed of or something I focus negatively on. Everyday I walk closer and closer to self love. I know it won’t happen overnight…like my grand father used to say “Everything in its time.” I know that I’m loved but it does not mean shit if I don’t feel that way about myself.

Work has been really frustrating lately. My supervisor is not supervisor material at all. She barely knows what she is talking about. I think they gave her a supervisor position on the strength of her working there for 18 years, not because she was a “leader”. For my workplace to be a police department, it is one of the most unorganized places I have ever worked. If people knew how things worked behind the scenes, they would be appalled. I’m officially taking police reports and I must say that it is the most tedious thing I have ever done in my life. People think that the police department can work miracles. A man called me and asked if he could press charges on the people that come up to him and ask him for a cigarette when he is smoking on his porch. *sigh* He also wanted an officer dispatched to his house because of that. Now, there are robberies, murders, burglaries…all kinds of crimes going on and this man wants a police officer for people asking him for a cigarette. It took every ounce of will I had in my body to tell him politely that if he did not want people asking him for cigarettes, to find an alternative place to smoke and I could not dispatch a police officer out to his home if there was not a crime committed. Then a woman called and asked how many car seats can she have in the front seat. *screamin at this point* Moving on….I’m still thinking about applying for the 911 dispatcher position. I want to work at the police station for a couple of months before I transfer out. That would look better on my resume in my opinion. I’ve started writing again, as you can probably see. Its rusty but its slowly coming back. I carry a notebook where ever I go because for some reason, words come to me when I’m in the car on the way to work or while I’m taking my dogs out. At times, my pen cant move fast enough so I forget what I was writing. Instead of throwing unfinished stuff away, I’m keeping them. Never know if or when the words will come back. I’m just grateful that they are dancing in my head again. In a minute…..

happy 25th birthday to meeeeeeeee!!!!!!

my womyn was here last week. one morning, i got up before she did. i sat up and admired her. she looks like a kid when she sleeps.....like a little indian girl.....copper toned with dark, curly hair, and the longest black eyelashes....she looks like bambi when she blinks. her smile will light up any room...the type of smile that will make your day better even when it has been shitty. lmao....when she sleeps, she snores and i can still see the dimple in her right cheek. when i call her name...even when she is sleep...she smiles. i appreciate her, even tho she gets on my damn nerves sometimes. i know she loves me....there is no doubt in my mind. all the shit she puts up with....my moods and my chronic asshole-ism...it has to be love. the little things she does shows me that our relationship, our love for each other...is so much more than the shit im used to. in the past, i have had some simple ass relationships....never 50/50.....always 75/25, if that. im the type of womyn that if i love you...if i care about you, i show it. i live and love in verbs. fuck words. ill cook sunday dinners for you everyday, wash your clothes...even wash ya ass if you are hurt or tired as hell, rub your feet.....anything to show how much i love you and appreciate your presence in my life. needless to say, i showed some smelly bitches some beautiful shit but ive only been shown bullshit. i decided that i was gonna fall back a little bit in my next relationship to see what would happen. i havent been disappointed. i had to work this week so she had to stay here with my fam while i was at work. she washed my clothes, cleaned my room, fixed me lunch and dinner.....*sigh* she was my lil housewife for a couple of days. i can be a real meany pants sometimes. anyway, we have been through so much in the past 2 weeks....this trip was needed. when she left, i got teary eyed as always but im getting used to seeing her go. most high willing, ill see her next month.

i had this weekend off and i got not a gatdamn thing accomplished. well, yes i did. i washed my linen and got my sleep caught up. being with my womyn for 4 days made me lose sleep....hehe. that was my first weekend off in 3 weeks. damn shame. i finally get paid on wednesday but i know my check is gonna be gone. bills bills bills. mayn, i really dont want to go to work but i dont want to be here either. i want to be some where i can feel a warm breeze and sip a glass of shiraz. im planning a vacation sometime in march. im going to start saving now......even if we dont go anywhere but west va or charlotte....as long as me and my womyn are together, alone, i dont care. hell, we could go down the fuggin street to a hotel, just to be alone with her and not have to work would be cool with me. *sigh* finna go to work. peace and livin in verbs.....cream out