in time......It’s raining outside and I wanted to say…rather I need to write a whole lot and quite frankly, I can not write as fast as the words come to my mind but I’m going to try. Today I had an epiphany….something slapped me in my face so hard my head still hurts. I’m still looking for beauty in myself. I’ve been looking at myself, highlighting the negative and downplaying the positive for so damn long. After 3 emotionally draining relationships with people that damn near sucked every ounce of self esteem and energy I had, I’m just beginning to regain my love for self. It blows my mind that I’m 25 years young and I have let this self hatred go on for so long. If you asked me a couple of years ago if I loved myself, I would have given you the “What the hell you think?” look and said “Damn right I love myself” Now I realize the love I claimed to have for myself was nothing but bullshit. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to stay in those toxic relationships with people that didn’t have good intentions or my best interest in mind. You live and you learn, I guess. Now that I’ve recognized the issue, I’m working on it. The prerequisite of achieving my goals is loving myself totally. I know I will always have flaws, everyone does, but the difference between now and then is I will see those flaws as beauty, not as something to be ashamed of or something I focus negatively on. Everyday I walk closer and closer to self love. I know it won’t happen overnight…like my grand father used to say “Everything in its time.” I know that I’m loved but it does not mean shit if I don’t feel that way about myself.

Work has been really frustrating lately. My supervisor is not supervisor material at all. She barely knows what she is talking about. I think they gave her a supervisor position on the strength of her working there for 18 years, not because she was a “leader”. For my workplace to be a police department, it is one of the most unorganized places I have ever worked. If people knew how things worked behind the scenes, they would be appalled. I’m officially taking police reports and I must say that it is the most tedious thing I have ever done in my life. People think that the police department can work miracles. A man called me and asked if he could press charges on the people that come up to him and ask him for a cigarette when he is smoking on his porch. *sigh* He also wanted an officer dispatched to his house because of that. Now, there are robberies, murders, burglaries…all kinds of crimes going on and this man wants a police officer for people asking him for a cigarette. It took every ounce of will I had in my body to tell him politely that if he did not want people asking him for cigarettes, to find an alternative place to smoke and I could not dispatch a police officer out to his home if there was not a crime committed. Then a woman called and asked how many car seats can she have in the front seat. *screamin at this point* Moving on….I’m still thinking about applying for the 911 dispatcher position. I want to work at the police station for a couple of months before I transfer out. That would look better on my resume in my opinion. I’ve started writing again, as you can probably see. Its rusty but its slowly coming back. I carry a notebook where ever I go because for some reason, words come to me when I’m in the car on the way to work or while I’m taking my dogs out. At times, my pen cant move fast enough so I forget what I was writing. Instead of throwing unfinished stuff away, I’m keeping them. Never know if or when the words will come back. I’m just grateful that they are dancing in my head again. In a minute…..