freewriting...ready...set...im at the old police department and the silence is soothing. i get so tired of hearing people...talking to people...i think thats why im comfortable being by myself. lately, i havent wanted to talk at all. i talk so much at work, by the time i get home, i have verbally exhausted myself. i hear so much crap at work, by the time i get home, i dont want to hear any bullshit. my best friend is moving tomorrow....the genesis. im so happy for her. makes me realize there is no such thing as stuck when it comes to my life. there is always a way to move up, over, on and when you mess up...back. im so damn indecisive...i think everything out before i act...afraid that the mistake i make now will effect my tomorrow. im tired of always thinking rationally. my mind bullies my heart constantly. im starting to believe the walls i have built around myself cant be penetrated. glass walls that were built for the sole purpose of avoiding heartache.....you can look in but no entrance homie. my father called me 2 days ago to see if i was ok. its been about a month since i talked to him. something is telling me that something isnt right...im fighting not to think about it. grown man with old issues...cant worry about things i cant change. got too much stuff on my mind as is. thought about calling his mother....probably would if i had the number. good thing is....i dont. might say some things that shouldnt be said, at least to her. i know its not good to hold grudges...i pray the most high forgives me for this one cuz ill probably hold it until one of us leaves the earth. i bought some clothes and perfume today. im buying heels and getting a pedicure tomorrow. being ladylike is scaring the hell outta me. its breaking my pockets too. dresses and heels were never my thing until now. i think subconsciously i didnt embrace femininity because i saw it as being weak and i never want to be weak. i wanted my exterior to reflect my interior. almost always wearing nothing but jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and fleece pants since i was 12. like mary said...ive been strong for too long....possessing enough strength for everyone to thrive from all the while hurting myself in the process. i welcome womanhood and piss on weakness. i need to start living and stop existing. trust my heart a little more. love and live like its the last minute of my life. overstand the things that make me different, make me a flawed, yet wonderful grown ass womyn. psssstttt....love is admitting that she, everything, and everybody on this earth isnt perfect, but despite imperfections, you got me. in a minute.....peace and love...prolific out.