flower......hold my hand and just listen.....lately i have been noticing more femininity in me...kinda like im a flower blooming and since im blooming i tend to want all things prissy....heels, skirts, perfumes, lotions, pedicures, manicures....none of which i paid attention to before now. i go shopping every payday for something to add to this new found femininity. i have a skincare regimen now.....wtf? i actually have nightgowns to sleep in instead of shorts and a t-shirt. its weird now...i want flowers and all things romantic. im turning into a mushball. *gaggin* right now....i would love to be made love to......candles lit with heated massage oil, with bilal playing in the background. i want a full body massage...well no i dont cuz ill go nite nite after that. i want to slow dance...my head on her chest as she softly sings whatever song is playing. i want our lovemaking to be passionate, unselfish...i dont want orgasms to be a thought....all that matters is she is close to me and me close to her and at that time....we are 1. fantasies are a mutha. next.....three nights ago, my father called me and told me that he has liver cancer. i dont know how i feel about it to be totally honest. i love him because he is my father but i dont know him. when i found out my grandfather had cancer, i cried immediately. my heart literally ached. i dont feel that way now. my father and i have always had a rocky relationship. i dont hold any grudges toward him as far as what he did or didnt do in the past. my brother and i sat down and talked about the situation and we both feel the same way. i think its bothering me a lot more than its bothering him tho. he said if our father died, he is not sure that he would go to the funeral. now, im sure im going. i dont care if i have to catch the bus up there, im going to his funeral. everybody in my family keeps calling me and telling me to be strong, things are going to be ok, blah blah blah. i wish everybody would leave me alone about it until i figure out how i feel. thats enough...going to bed. in a minute...peace and love...prolific out.