star......today is the day my mother evicted me from her body by drinking a couple of bottles of castor oil. lmao. i have a picture of her holding me...i couldnt have been more than a couple of weeks old. i had on a pink and white shirt that said "a star is born". i think my momma was psychic cuz the world hasnt been the same since. wow....26. i never thought past 21 but here i am, 26 years young. ive been through so much, wasted so much time on things that dont matter, cried til my eyes were swollen, laughed until i damn near peed on myself, loved, been hurt, hurt people, been afraid....and im still here. i was sitting here thinking about what this day means and all i can come up with is change. im older now, gotta stop letting my fears keep me from living my dreams. i dont want to be 36 in the same position im in now. i havent been living up to my potential and i have no one to blame but myself. it doesnt matter because of course, the future is now. i keep hearin my buddy dawn tell me that ima star. the world just doesnt know it yet but trust and believe, they will. 25 was a learning experience, 26 will be the genesis of my celebrity and success. ive decided to distance myself from a couple of people this year. its necessary in order for me to grow to distance myself from people that have leech-like behavior, hurt me, or are just takin up space. why keep people around when their presence doesnt benefit you and most of the time only either gets on your nerves or hurts you? makes no sense to me. next.....i did most of my celebrating this weekend. friday night, me, friskins, and dubb went to macados as usual. the only difference is, i drank a long beach ice tea, vodka and cranberry, and vodka and orange juice. i was fuuuuuuucked up. according to dubb, i almost walked into a wall. i had so much fun tho. i sang "i touch myself" lmaooo. friskins sang "500 miles". i think thats the name of that damn song. anyway, i came home and passed the hell out. saturday night, me and the crew went to buffalo wild wings. i drank a blackberry lifesaver and a cosmo. i was behaving last night until dubb decided to go to the club. it was lame as ever. sad situation. friskins got harassed by a white butchy lookin chic. she held on to me like i was jesus the entire night. there werent any cute chics there, of course. i wish i knew where all the black lesbians are hiding around here. well....its not like i would have a lot to do with their lame asses tho. these dum dums around here make me wanna scream. if i find an intellectual around here, ill be a happy woman. aight, i gotta go to work on my birthday. *sigh* in a minute....peace and growth....prolific out.

i know its been a long time....entries seen to come less and less frequent nowadays. so much has changed. some things i want to talk about and most of it, i dont. ive been writing in my journal and have neglected my blog. anyway, im here now. a new year is approaching and im so friggin excited. 2007 is gonna kick 2006's ass. not that 2006 was horrible. ive just gone through a lot of changes....learned a lot, cried even more, i got extremely schoolsick, made a decent amount of money, blah blah blah. in 2007, i only have 1 resolution and that is to become better....have more, do more, be more, live more, laugh more than i did in 2006. most high willing i see it, ill be 26 on 1/15/07. im officially grown. no more excuses for me not doing what i need to do for myself. playtime is over. the future is now. next....me and ms dubb's friday night at macados routine has been going on for about 2 months now. i get tipsy every friday. its funny now, i think my body has built up a tolerance for bong waters. chay drinks 2 everytime we go out. i dont know how she still gets tipsy. im glad we go out, even if it is to drink. i need to get outta the house and go somewhere other than shopping or to work. its an expensive routine tho. on average, i spend at least $20.00 every friday. $80.00 a month. thats rather expensive. thats a pair of heels or an outfit. so, yesterday i bought my own alcohol and spent $30.00. i got blue curacao, vodka, and puerto rican rum. me and friskins drank 2 shooters called tiddy water. **they shoulda never gave me a bartender's book** tiddy water consists of vodka, rum, and blue curacao. the recipe said to put 2 raisins in the bottom but raisins are disgusting. it really does look like toilet water tho. after we drank our shots, we both drank a gremlin. a gremlin consists of 1 1/2 ounces of vodka, 3/4 oz of blue curacao, 3/4 oz of rum, and orange juice. we were both really tipsy. i wouldnt say drunk because we both were still walking around and weren't stumblin but umm...yeah....we were seeing spaceships over roanoke. i cant wait for new years because its probably gonna be worse. damn shame. yo....this new restaurant opened up called "zaxby's" here and im addicted. the best chicken tenders ive ever had. i dont know how im gonna lose weight when i love their spicy fried mushrooms and chicken tenders with honey mustard. its soooooooo good. im droolin just thinkin about it. me and friskins are going to get a platter for new years so we can put something on our stomachs in preparation for all the alcohol we will consume. if i call u on new years and say something weird, im drunk. hmmmmkay? next....ive changed my views when it comes to love and relationships. im still open. that hasnt changed. my legs arent going to be tho. ive decided to be celibate until i meet my neo. it shouldnt be hard at all since there isnt anyone around here that im interested in. nothing but losers, drug heads, crazies, and the confused around here. im like a swan in a sea of mud ducks. im also gonna make myself wait at least 3 months before i will be intimate after meeting someone that could possibly be neo. if its indeed true, 3 months without sex wont be a problem with her. quite frankly, i know im sittin on some superior, spectacular, superb, wonderfulness so its definitely worth the wait. plus yo...my brain is just awesome. i have a helluva personality too. i am the shit, if i say so myself. and im not the only one who thinks that. i just have to work on feeling that way all the time. i know everybody has their down days but im workin on having more up days than down days. i want to be able to look in the mirror and see whats positive and not just the negative. being a big girl in a skinny girl's world sucks occasionally but regardless, i make this look good. you will take a second look and so will your mate. hehe. aight, thats enough for now. i need to get back to work. in a minute....peace and love for self.....prolific out.

geeked up.....ladies and gents....im fuuuuuucked up. im startin to see spaceships over roanoke. i went out with ms chay deezy and she got me drunk. nah, i cant blame her for this shit. she ordered almost the same thing i did. i drank a bong water for the first time *****that shit will have u fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up***** and then i drank a bahama mama. i am so fucked up yo. if a chic was here, i couldnt do shit but look at her and pass out. damn shame. i wanted to go out because i never do shit on my days off except stay in the fuggin house and read or get on my computer. i called chay and she was down for an outing so i got on my clothes with some 4 1/2 inch heels and left. yo, i shouldnt have worn those shoes. i was an inch away from bustin my ass. i could probably jog in those shoes sober but uhhh...drunk, hell no, i barely walk. shit, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. i saw some of my momma's friends at the bar. damn shame, they have known me since i was like 5 and they saw me drunk. damn shame. oh well, im a grown ass woman and i do what i want. as a warning yo, if i type some random shit, blame the liquor. next.....i was one of the 290324302 million people out shopping at 3 am yesterday morning. the things i let my sister talk me into. i didnt go to sleep until 9 am this morning. the original plan was to go to best buy but when we saw that line wrapped around the building 2 times, we turned around and went the other way. we walked around walmart and laughed at the people that were in line for a hdtv and come to find out, there were only 10 tvs but 150 people in line. ctfu...there were some angry white folks. i bought a couple of dvds that ill probably never watch. we went to the mall and i bought 3 sweaters on sale for 11.99 a piece. im always buying clothes...im turning into a clothes horse. when i get paid its going to be worse. anyway, i bought some smell goods at victoria's secret for my auntie. once i got my hit of liquid crack (caramel macchiatos from starbucks) and a chicken biscuit from chic-fil-a and i was ready for another round. that is until i came home and laid in my bed. when i started playing with my hair, it was a wrap. im functioning on 4 hours of sleep, plus im drunk. smh...the shit i get myself into. next....my thanksgiving was boring. i worked with a buncha whiney people. i wished i was at home sleeping in a turkey induced sleep. yo..did i mention im fucked up? ill probably read this shit tomorrow and say i typed too much but so fuckin what. i write what i want. i do what i want. in a minute.....peace and bong water.....prolific is finna pass out.

baaaaalliiiinnn.....ok ok ok....im here. ive been putting this post off because i havent been able to sit still long enough to write so this might be a lil long. well, it depends on how long i can sit here without doing something else. my attention span is becoming shorter and shorter. i need to work on that. anyway, grab a snack and get comfy in your chair because you just might be here for a while. where to begin....11/15/06, my momma's 50th birthday. i planned a little party for her. we all (my fam and her friends) ate at red lobster and had a balllll. we had a room to ourself and i know we were loud as crap. we had 2 waitresses and they earned every single dollar they got from tips. dealing with a bunch of tipsy,hungry, negroes isnt easy. i got a cake with her baby pic on it and got a hotel room with a jacuzzi just for her to get away for a day by herself. i set up the room with rose petals on the bed, special bath and body works bubble bath for the tub, a bottle of alize, a bottle of bacardi, and some snacks for the night. she cried a lil bit because she was so damn happy. i know how to organize a party...get on my level. lmao. me and friskins went to the indoor pool and whirlpool for a couple of hours after we dropped my mother off in her room. yo, that whirlpool felt so damn good yo. i want one in my house. friskins swam in the pool and took a buncha pics with my new camera. ill put them on my flickr later. next...christmas is coming up and i have no idea how im going to pay for all these friggin gifts. i have to start saving because i have a big project lined up. im not going to disclose the details yet. trust, its big tho. ive been having weird feelings yo. on one hand, i think...damn im single i can do what i want and have fun. then on the other hand im thinking, all this damn dating, talking to 109230902 people, and all that isnt me at all. right now, i love someone so much yo...so much that im willing to start the process of...commitment. anybody that knows me knows how hard it is for me to commit. i dont know what im going to do tomorrow or how im going to feel tomorrow. i would hate to hurt someone because i change my mind about being "taken". the next relationship i get into will definitely be a no label relationship. once you put a label on something, it changes it. it makes it have expectations and stuff. i want it to be whatever we have is what we have. things tend to work out smoother that way. no labels, just 2 people lovin each other and not worrying about whats going to happen in the future because as we all know, the future isnt promised. how can u truly enjoy life if you are constantly worrying or planning for the future? what happens when what you plan doesnt work the way you planned? fuck all that. lets enjoy the present. right now is all that matters. the past is gone and the future might not come. i guess all of my zen readings are starting to kick in. next...coonery is alive and going strong. i can not believe the amount of garbage on the radio now. if you want to hear good music ladies and gents, turn off the radio. ive been on psalm one as of late (peep her myspace, she is dope). please listen to something of substance that doesnt involve any poppin, snappin, perculatin, etc.. next....thanksgiving is tomorrow and im not looking forward to it. i really dont have an appetite. im not big on eating a whole lot of crap anymore. im tryin to cut out a lot of the garbage i eat. taco bell cant be good for me. im not eatin a lot, i am lookin forward to the alcohol. hehe. i cant indulge too much because as always, i have to work. thats ok tho. im earning 2 paid leave days and im off on friday. im not going shopping tho because as always, im broke. *sigh* aight, thats enough for now. i need to get back to work. in a minute....peace and mojitos....pro out.

rebel.....its been a long time because quite frankly, aint shit been going on. i go to work, i come home. true indeed, i see a lot of funny things happen everyday but i just dont feel like writing when i get home. that damn job drains me sometimes. i know its made me quite insensitive. hearing people's problems all day and hearing people bitch and moan and moan and bitch constantly, has made me slightly numb. shit happens. thats all i can say. a couple of weeks ago, i wasnt feelin too hot. for the first time in a while, i started to cry. that shit ended abruptly. ive realized that crying doesnt solve the situation. sure its a release, but if i do cry, i cry, get my shit together, and move on. life is entirely too short to be worrying about what somebody is doing or worrying about if they are playin you or some other silly bullshit like that. people are going to do what they are going to do regardless. why should i worry about it? is that going to help the situation if it happens? hell no. so, i say, fuck it. if you are with me, you are. if not, fuck your life and your existance....and im sooo sincerr about that. ive realized i can count the number of friends i have on one hand. i bet a couple of people are wondering if they are included. well, if you have to think about it, you probably arent. next...this past weekend i had so much fun yo. me, whit, and my sissy went to lynchburg which is about 45 minutes from where i live. i had to get the hell outta roanoke. this place was makin me wanna hitchhike outta here. anything to get away. lynchburg is smaller than roanoke (yes it can get smaller than the noke) but it was like a breath of fresh air. well, rewind that. we went to the mall before we left and i got a canon a630. yoooooooooo...its a beast. i finally can take pics of my sissy wearin her stunna glasses at night. (inside joke) my old camera was a piece of ish to say the least. after i got my new cam i promptly gave the old one to my niece. a 5 year old with a digital camera......smh. anyway, on the way to lynchburg we laughed so much. we are all some funny chics. we spend 3 hours in the mall. i came out with some smell goods from bath and body works, a baby blue chenille sweater(to match my baby blue heels), a chocolate chenille sweater, and a bunch of other clothes from lane bryant. i got a lil out of hand. shopping is my addiction. everybody has one and dammit.....if i could go shopping for a living, id be a happy chic. we ate at a japanese steakhouse and the food was awesome. i drank a weak ass zombie and ate some sushi too. on the way home we sang old ass jodeci songs. where are those dudes anyway? i havent talked to my best friend in almost a month. she is going through some things so i understand she needs her space but i miss you yo. artiste call me soon homie. aight, thats enough for now. ill holla. in a minute...peace and samadhi...pro out.

bennu....i want to burn anything associated with you, soak it with diesel goodbyes and unleaded heartaches...burn anything connected to a thought or a dream....plans of matrimony of a match made in lies....empty words capped with empty promises accompanied by excuses spread upon my ears before the sun greeted my face...i want to incinerate my heart and watch it burn like the tears when they fall from my eyes...bathe in lava to erase traces of kisses and touches. i want to rise above the ashes where memories once inspired smiles on sour days and tears every other week, fly past the past....so i can finally be free.

i wonder.....if she knows how inferior i feel around her. she is beautiful. sure, she has her flaws but over all she is beautiful. i know i have the degree, i have the good job, but i dont have happiness. i dont have serenity. i dont have an ounce of esteem. i wonder if they know how much pain i have felt in the past year. so many changes. so many issues. sometimes i just want to say fuck it all and move to wyoming or montana...live in the boonies where i dont know anyone and no one knows me. somewhere i can sit and write or paint and be myself. i wonder if this build up of tears that i havent shed will hurt once they start flowing. cant hurt more than my heart right now. i wonder how many people would notice if i took a break. lets see. in a minute....maybe 5....peace and kleenex....prolific out.

focused.....i havent updated in like 38291 years. well, its not that bad but dang, its been a while. now that i know how to utilize the e-mail to your blog thing, i should be ok. all of the things i want to write about seem to come to me when im at work or about to doze off. im still studying zen, just not as much as i was. im just taking everything one day at a time and every day i learn something new. ive been thinking about my experiences when i was a young college student with nothing on her mind but school. if i could go back and do it all over again, i would. i loved college as much as i complained about it. i know i would do a lot better tho. thats why im so determined to go to grad school. i want to keep going. hell, if the most high allows me to live to be a great grandma, i might have 4 bachelors degrees and 3 masters degrees. i plan to go to school forever. you can never know too much, in my opinion. im faced with the issue of, should i have a child first or should i get my master's first. i know if i get my master's first, i wont have a child until im at least 28. i dont want to be all old trying to fun after a toddler. if i have a child first, it might not get my master's degree until im 40. i was thinking, why cant i do both? it would probably be entirely too hard. *sigh* so much to do in so little time. my business ventures arent lookin too good. mainly because i havent done a lot of work. everything is still in its beginning stages. my business partner is about to go to film school so she probably wont have a lot of time to devote to the business. my plan is to mail her an introductory package full of stuff i have made and she can sell it and i can tell if its going to do well or not. i know it is tho. i have that much faith in my product. as far as the t-shirt thing, thats going to have to wait a while. i have an idea for a side hustle. im not going to write too much about it because someone might take my idea. all im going to say is, photography on another level. i plan to be very financially comfortable by the time im 30. not rich, but comfortable. not living paycheck to paycheck. being able to take a real vacation. i have to remain focused. next....i have to have surgery on my mouth tomorrow. well, on my teeth. all i know is, i had to wait 4 months...probably longer than that...to have this shit done to half of my mouth. dont you know its going to cost about $400 for half of my mouth? thats before insurance kicks in. ill probably have to pay about $100 out of pocket. *sigh* i planned to take my dog to the vet to get some shots and a checkup but he just might have to wait. in a way, im scared. ive never had a needle in my mouth. hell, i have never had a cavity. ill be aight...ima champ. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

dharma and pro....yesterday before i went to work, i bought "the complete idiots guide to zen living". i have the e-book but i enjoy reading the book so much that i wanted a hard copy. anyway, i took the book to work with me so i could read it on my lunch break instead of watching t.v. or something else mindless. i had the book on my desk and my supervisor came up and said "zeeen living? whats that?" as soon as i said "ZEN buddhism, meditation, stuff like that." this chic removed her hands from that book like it was the textbook of satanism 101. she walked away and i continued to do what i was doing. she came back and sat beside me and said "god said you shouldnt put any other god before him." the look on my face was priceless yo. i gave her the "what the fuck did you just say to me?" face. anybody who has seen me, knows that face. i am sooooo tired of christians, not just black christians, all christians, acting like anything that isnt related to the bible is of the devil. i went on to explain to her that i am not a buddhist, although i read a lot of books by the dalai lama and about zen. i am not a christian. i go to church because i enjoy going, not because i believe its going to get me closer to heaven. i am spiritual, not religious. i dont feel that any one religious group is the chosen group. you notice that every religious groups outside of buddhists think they are the only people that will be in heaven? religions divide people, not the most high. just because im studying zen doesnt mean im not going to heaven and just because you go to church every sunday doesnt mean you are going either. zen isnt a religion any damn way. its a way of life and thinking. stop being so fuggin scared of shit you dont know about. if you dont know, READ. knowledge is free...go to a library. damn sheep. then this broad had the nerve to say "i was going to take yoga but somebody told me that it had something to do with religion." *sigh* at that point, i gave up. again i say, READ. yoga has nothing to do with religion yo. it amazes me how many sheep there are in the world. too lazy to educate themselves so they can form their OWN opinions about the world. its easier to conform. well, i refuse to conform and i refuse to be a fuggin sheep. fuck your opinions and fuck your existance. nobody lives my life but me. *gettin off my soapbox* next...today me and my sissy walked to this new trail that was built a street over from where i live. i thought it was going to be lame, to be honest. the part we walked was about a mile long. its kinda like a nature trail. you are surrounded by trees and you can hear the creek beside the path. i dont know what made the city to decide to build it through the hood but i dig it. hopefully, it wont rain tomorrow and i can take some pictures. its the perfect place to take photos. expect a link to my flickr page soon. anyway, i even walked my dog through the path. i let him run free and his stupid ass rolled in rabbit shit....or at least i think it was...i wasnt tryin to smell it. when we came home i gave him a bath and gave him all of my buffalo wild wings bones so needless to say, he is a happy dog right now. my calves feel like shit but other than that, im good. im going to commit myself to walking through that path more often. its a nice walk....just to let everything that is going on in your life go and just focus on the scenery. it made me feel like everything that was on my mind was mundane. my sister wants to start running through there. im not sure about all that but i will walk. i gotta walk before i run, lmao. thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace and spirituality....prolific out.

namaste.....in front of my comp (of course) blastin joi in my headphones. suga you should know that i just wanna fly to the moon and even if you wont take me i know there will be anotha rocket comin by soon. this weekend has pushed so much emotion out of me, things that i havent thought about in years came out. i guess the zen thing is working. my mind is purging out all of the garbage from the past 25 years. all of the times i allowed myself to be violated and abused mentally as well as physically played in my head like a movie. its weird how you push things in the back of your mind and you think they have left your mind but they really havent. meditation is a helluva thing. the first time i sat down and meditated, my mind went blank in the first 10 minutes and then the story of my life played in my head. when it finished, i got up and wiped my face and blew my nose (yuckers, i know). come to find out, my niece had been knocking on my door for 20 minutes and i didnt even hear it. weird. my mind was somewhere else. the whole experience had me shook up for a minute. i wanted to call my bestest friend artiste but i knew she was probably at work since she is always at work. i already woke her up outta her sleep last week. i know she doesnt mind tho. she is my best FRIEND. not someone i call when i just want to vent about my problems or someone who just calls me to vent about their problems. we have been friends for almost 6 years now and never met in person. its amazing how we are so damn close but never met. whats more amazing is, we arent on the phone every 5 minutes. we dont have to be. we converse at least twice a month and if she tells me she is gonna call me back and she doesnt for 2 weeks, i overstand. i know respect her moodiness and she respects mine. *sigh* friends, how many of us have them? hell, how many of us have ONE? next...i took the day off to finish my project for my interview tomorrow. im nervous, but ill be ok. the worse thing they can say is no and its not like i havent heard that 5011 times before. in due time, someone is going to say yes. everything in its time. i know that i have been neglecting not only my business but my writing. my writing has suffered greatly due to the fact that i stopped doing it. i lost focus. in a way, im glad my business didnt start when it was supposed to because i know i dont know enough about it now and i knew even less when i proposed the idea. i want to perfect my crafts...my art and making my own products. in a couple of years, i want to be a household name. i want my books in your briefcases and on your bookshelves. i want my art to be hung in your home. i want my hair and body products to be a staple for your day to day routine. so, presently im working to become a better person, a better lover, a future mother, a better businesswoman, a better friend. in a minute....peace....the one who is better than sex, drugs, and hip hop, the one that took any half you had and made it whole, the one that put the motion in ya ocean when we were sailin in my bed, the one who put the pen to the pad of a microphone fiend....out.

tyrone......nobody knows when they have had enough until they have had enough and im filled to my brim with fed-up-ness. im ready to start all over again. i found out i lost 10 pounds since the 4th of july. hell, i wasnt really trying, i just havent had an appetite. i think im gettin a bug, my throat feels hella funny. im going to bed. in a minute...peace and love...pro out. ps....look at the vids. feel some kinda way.

bittersweet part 2.......i cant believe im awake this early. maybe it has something to do with the fact i went to bed at 12:30 and went to sleep about an hour later. i didnt feel like doing anything but chillin. well, i didnt get the job i went on the interview for. i knew i wasnt going to get it when they told me they had someone from one of their other offices that wanted to transfer back AFTER they saw the job posted online. how can i with my rookie ass compete with that? they called me and asked could they keep my application on file.....whateva. now i have to focus on this other job i have an interview for. im trying to think positive instead of becoming discouraged. its hard when u hear nothing but rejection. ive decided that its time for me to get my license. i downloaded the driver's manual to study so i can get my learners permit and drive legally. after i get my license, im going to grad school. i know i cant depend on anyone taking me back and forth to school. its bad enough i have to depend on someone to take me back and forth to work. speaking of being dependent, i hate that fuggin word. thats one thing i really dont like being. ive realized me not driving has made me dependent so im doing something about it. i dont want to depend on anyone for anything. next.....despite me studying zen like crazy, im officially on ice again. i have to protect my heart and well being. when i love, i tend to love hard. that tends to bite me in my ass...fuck that...everytime ive ever been in love, it has bit me in my ass. too many chunks are missin from my ass now so i have to protect my heart....and my ass for that matter. no time for heartache and tears, i got too much living to do. in a minute...peace and love.....prolific out.

haiku's gone wild

i cant be your girl
my needs and your life dont meet
fuck you in advance.



im not what you need
my maintenance is too high
like clouds in the sky.



love's overrated
my heart has been bruised so much
it feels like its numb.




stepped away from fear
into possibility
im falling in love

london bridges.....im bangin this damn fergie song and shakin my ass....be afraid, be very afraid. i dont know why im diggin this mindless shit. maybe its the beat. ive been blastin my music all day. ive had a lot on my mind and the music has eased the tension a lil bit. have you ever been like...."you know what...enough is enough. i refuse to accept any bullshit from anybody anymore." i said that to myself when i woke up this morning. im tired of people taking my new found niceness for weakness. when i finally decide to open up...hold that thought. my playlist is on random from songs my friends have sent me for the past 6 months. why in the hell does urban mystic have a song called "fuck song". smh...can u please be more creative with your title dammit? if annnnn broad played this song for me trying to set the mood, i would promptly leave the premises. thanks for the effort, fuck you, urban mystic, and that fuck song, good night. *back to your irregularly schedule prolific programming" when i finally decide to open up, be nice, a lil more social, people do shit to make me go back into my batcave. im on ice once again ladies and gents. peeps gon start calling me subzero in this bitch. me and a friend of mine were talking about how weird my feelings flow. i can love you one day and you do something and ill act like you never existed the next. love or no love yo...i have to protect my feelings. my tolerance for bullshit is at an alltime low so if you are on some bullshit....do yaself a favor and vamoose. yall can kiss my asshole. *vulgar as hell, i know* next....still looking for a new job. my job aint horrible but i know that i can do better. much better. im enrolling in a master's program this spring. i need some more money in my life. i like shopping to much. shopping is like.....*sigh* aight, me and fabuloso have a date in the bathroom and the kitchen. in a minute.....peace and right effort....prolific out.

if you cant have the one you love....then where are u going in your life?......im lost.

freewriting part 2893092903.....its been a long time but right now...at this very moment....i feel a sense of extreme happiness. almost feels like im dreaming. i got a lil money left over after i paid my bills. no work this weekend. someone posted 2 of joi's cds so i could download them since i was having a hard time trying to purchase them (yeah, ill buy joi's cd because i know its good). i just finished eating the best steak i had in a while...so tender i didnt even need a knife...and to top it off, it didnt give me a headache. my life is pretty damn cool right now. sure, i could complain...but why? the good outweighs the bad so im enjoying the good and disregarding the bad. i got the urge to write, which hasnt happened in a while. i have had this big burst of emotion come over me and its producing soooo many positive things in my life. ambition has tapped me on my shoulder and words have asked me to dance. there is no way i could possibly express everything im feeling right now...but know that im aight. i had a long conversation with my best friend in the whole wide world (artiste you need to hurry up and get another blog, i miss your words) and now i have a sense of direction. i decided a long time ago that if i continued on the path i was travelling, i would die. physically eventually, mentally as soon as i let myself go. in all honesty, i let myself go...go into a place that i will never go again....stagnancy. im responsible for me and my happiness from this point until my very last second on this earth. that being said, im washing my hands of a couple of people i have allowed in my space that are just taking up space....offering nothing but negativity. i dont have time for the bullshit, i gotta lot of living to do homie. a lot of shit i gotta get done. in a minute....peace and LOVING YO SELF.....prolific out.

summer madness......it looks like its gonna rain hard as hades in about 5 minutes. im glad cuz it is HOT today. when i got to work today, the supervisor from the shift before mine told me that 2 people called in today. well, that leaves 3 people, including myself. i know things happen but damn....both of yall called out. *sigh* ive only called out 1 time and that was because i was sick as hell with a fever. i have even came to work with a fever...cold as hell...literally shaking because i was so cold. i dont know, maybe my work ethic is different from everyone elses. if i am not throwing up, im not too sick. now, the day after i blacked out, i went to work like a dummy but i left early because i started to feel bad again. im trying to save all the vacation time i can so i can possibly go on a vacation one day. i dont know where im going, but i know i want to go somewhere. next...i just read about the marines that killed 20 innocent iraqis. i know im late but wtf if going on? i know nothing if fair in war but killing women and children is down right sick. i read about a man who was holding an iraqi girl who had been shot and her brains fell out of her head onto his boots. first of all, that man will be scarred for life. i think the men and women in the military who serve in iraq will come back here crazy. seeing death everyday....people with limbs blown off, babies with gunshot wounds....that is bound to have an impact on their mental health. the war in iraq is a modern day vietnam and those troops that make it back here will be mentally unstable just like most of the vietnam vets. *sigh* back to work i go....in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

braids and beauty......my lovely sister frannie fresh braided the front of my hair last night. i have about 15 little cornrows in the front and i pushed the rest of my hair back into a ponypuff. i looked in the mirror before i went to work and i be damned if i dont look like a middle-schooler. i have the body of a grown ass womyn but the face of a pre-teen. in the midst of all i have been through, im glad i still look a lil youthful. the round face with the chubby cheeks and the button nose make me look like a kid, especially when i smile. ive been downing more and more water lately. im trying to get my health in order. im wayyyyy to young to have the health issues i have. i might not be able to reverse what ive done so far, but i can make sure it doesnt get any worse than it already is. eventually, i want to stop eating meat but fish, limited sugar, rice, or bread, and work out at least 3 times a week. everything in its time. today im wearing 4 1/2 inch heels and i feel quite sexy. i know my feet are going to hurt when i get home but ill just soak them and wear little heels the rest of the week. its something about heels that make me feel sexy....probably because they make my lil short legs look long. im only 5'5" so my legs are rather short. when i put those heels on the legs look long, the muscles in my legs are more prominent, and the walk.....wooooooooo. all i gotta say is, ya better watch ya mate because the stroll always turns heads. yeah, im a little cocky when it comes to that. aight homies...back to work. in a minute...peace....prolific out.

flower......hold my hand and just listen.....lately i have been noticing more femininity in me...kinda like im a flower blooming and since im blooming i tend to want all things prissy....heels, skirts, perfumes, lotions, pedicures, manicures....none of which i paid attention to before now. i go shopping every payday for something to add to this new found femininity. i have a skincare regimen now.....wtf? i actually have nightgowns to sleep in instead of shorts and a t-shirt. its weird now...i want flowers and all things romantic. im turning into a mushball. *gaggin* right now....i would love to be made love to......candles lit with heated massage oil, with bilal playing in the background. i want a full body massage...well no i dont cuz ill go nite nite after that. i want to slow dance...my head on her chest as she softly sings whatever song is playing. i want our lovemaking to be passionate, unselfish...i dont want orgasms to be a thought....all that matters is she is close to me and me close to her and at that time....we are 1. fantasies are a mutha. next.....three nights ago, my father called me and told me that he has liver cancer. i dont know how i feel about it to be totally honest. i love him because he is my father but i dont know him. when i found out my grandfather had cancer, i cried immediately. my heart literally ached. i dont feel that way now. my father and i have always had a rocky relationship. i dont hold any grudges toward him as far as what he did or didnt do in the past. my brother and i sat down and talked about the situation and we both feel the same way. i think its bothering me a lot more than its bothering him tho. he said if our father died, he is not sure that he would go to the funeral. now, im sure im going. i dont care if i have to catch the bus up there, im going to his funeral. everybody in my family keeps calling me and telling me to be strong, things are going to be ok, blah blah blah. i wish everybody would leave me alone about it until i figure out how i feel. thats enough...going to bed. in a minute...peace and love...prolific out.

freewriting...ready...set...im at the old police department and the silence is soothing. i get so tired of hearing people...talking to people...i think thats why im comfortable being by myself. lately, i havent wanted to talk at all. i talk so much at work, by the time i get home, i have verbally exhausted myself. i hear so much crap at work, by the time i get home, i dont want to hear any bullshit. my best friend is moving tomorrow....the genesis. im so happy for her. makes me realize there is no such thing as stuck when it comes to my life. there is always a way to move up, over, on and when you mess up...back. im so damn indecisive...i think everything out before i act...afraid that the mistake i make now will effect my tomorrow. im tired of always thinking rationally. my mind bullies my heart constantly. im starting to believe the walls i have built around myself cant be penetrated. glass walls that were built for the sole purpose of avoiding heartache.....you can look in but no entrance homie. my father called me 2 days ago to see if i was ok. its been about a month since i talked to him. something is telling me that something isnt right...im fighting not to think about it. grown man with old issues...cant worry about things i cant change. got too much stuff on my mind as is. thought about calling his mother....probably would if i had the number. good thing is....i dont. might say some things that shouldnt be said, at least to her. i know its not good to hold grudges...i pray the most high forgives me for this one cuz ill probably hold it until one of us leaves the earth. i bought some clothes and perfume today. im buying heels and getting a pedicure tomorrow. being ladylike is scaring the hell outta me. its breaking my pockets too. dresses and heels were never my thing until now. i think subconsciously i didnt embrace femininity because i saw it as being weak and i never want to be weak. i wanted my exterior to reflect my interior. almost always wearing nothing but jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and fleece pants since i was 12. like mary said...ive been strong for too long....possessing enough strength for everyone to thrive from all the while hurting myself in the process. i welcome womanhood and piss on weakness. i need to start living and stop existing. trust my heart a little more. love and live like its the last minute of my life. overstand the things that make me different, make me a flawed, yet wonderful grown ass womyn. psssstttt....love is admitting that she, everything, and everybody on this earth isnt perfect, but despite imperfections, you got me. in a minute.....peace and love...prolific out.