underneath it all.....da kid is sick again. dammit....i knew i shouldnt have slept with my window open when it was 20 degrees outside. now, i sound like weezie jefferson when i wake up in the mornin....i know my baby be like dayyyyuuummmm. im so friggin tired of the winter....when it gets hot ill be in a pissy mood after about a month. da kid likes it about 60-80 degrees. anything below or above that....makes me grumpy. like when its 90 degrees....peeps dont see me until the sun goes down....and they might not see me then. next...my mom called me and told me that my cousin got robbed at gun point on his way home from school. he wasnt hurt...all they got is $20...yada yada yada. i mean, im glad he is ok....but there is a bigger issue there. well, he is 16 years old and has always been feminine. his mother, aunts, and grandmother used to dress him, let him play in their clothes, and let him stay under women all the time. everybody thinks he's gay but dammit i know the boy is gay. my gaydar went off the last time i saw him. *whoop whoop* he has more twist in his ass than i do. anywhoo, they act like they dont see it....they dont talk about it. they mask the whole situation. maybe they think if they dont talk about it or act like its not there....itll go away. well, what the fuck eva. i asked my mom....why was he walking home from school? why wasnt his ass on the bus? he doesnt ride the bus anymore because the kids pick on him and call him every derogatory name ever invented for gay men. so, he walks home from school. i feel sorry for him yo. i do. i believe that it is much harder being a homosexual male than being a homosexual female. he's been beat up, picked on, harassed...all because of his sexuality. his fam is not supportive at all....i know the minute he comes out...he'll be disowned. my fam is like that. so that brings the spotlight on da kid. im not out completely in some people's opinions. *like i really give a damn* i told everyone who i wanted to know....my mom, my brother, cream, and a few other peeps. my sexuality is not a secret....i wouldnt deny it if someone asked me...i would probably say "what the fuck you want to know for...nosey muhhhfucka? that is under the file titled NONE OF YA GOTDAMN BIZNESS....DAMMIT" i dont feel like its everybody's business. nor do i feel like i should broadcast it either. ATTENTION...I AM A LESBIAN. SO THE FUCK WHAT!!!! who gives a damn yo. i mean, really. yo, i dont give a single solitary fuck about someone's sexual preference....i have too much shit on my mind to be worried about if jim is fuckin tom or if jane is fuckin susie or if they are all fuckin each other. fo realla. there is sooooo much more to me as a person than my sexuality. i am a lesbian...but it does not and will not define me as a whole. *gettin off my soapbox* next...spring break. i need a friggin break. im meetin my booboo head for the first time. im nervous as hell. on a scale from 1-10, im nervous about a 8. contrary to popular belief, i am shy and quiet. im that red head girl that sits all the way in the back of the class, the girl sittin at the bus stop with a pen and a composition book writing, the girl that hums billie holiday one minute and raps with project pat the next, that girl that is thick like country gravy that you cant help but pause...and then stare cuz she rocks it so damn well....im that chic that you pass everyday....that you probably wouldnt even notice if it wasnt for that damn red hair and that ice grill like *muhfucka if you come at me wrong...i will fuck you up* im like a cheetah....i will lay down and chill, you might not even notice me...but approach me right and stroke me (my mentals...get ya minds out the gutta dammit)......ill be loyal til the end. but come at me wrong....and ill flip on ya ass. aight....now that i have had my conceited moment.....im gone to get some orange juice and some cough drops so i can stop soundin like weezie jefferson. lataaaaaaaaaa.

i am who i am, doing what i came to do, acting upon you like a drug or a chisel to remind you of your me-ness, as i discover you in myself....im gettin tired. newness is starting to wear off...the reality of it has presented itself. i feel so.....its like....expecting to get some manolo blahnik boots and only gettin a pair of payless plastic boots. its my bad...i always get my hopes up....maybe this time will be significant....maybe this time will be the last....maybe, maybe, maybe.....always them damn payless plastic boots. tired of wearin them damn boots...they hurt my feet....make me walk funny....an uncomfortable draggin kinda walk....dammit im ready to stroll. next....i walked to the library in the pourin rain. i stopped by the student center and got my usual mocha java and hot chocolate mix and went to the library. i spent 2 hours in there...im like a chickenhead in a hair store when i go to the library. my brain has been starvin lately. so has my notebook. my mind is constipated with words....they are in there....they just cant get out. maybe its because i havent been exercisin my brain as much as i used to. when i was little, i used to carry this pink stonewashed denim bag everywhere i went. its contents were, a notebook, my red pen, some candy (to deter me from chewin my pen caps when i think, which i still do), and 2 books (i read 2 books at the same time all the time). i would read and write all the time. make weekly trips to the library. i want to get back to that. my brain is cravin knowledge like it was when i was younger....so its time to get back to that. like my buddy artiste.....im goin to get back to me. back to my quintessential self. next...less than a month until i go home for spring break. of course....i cant wait. i have some things planned with my fam. cant wait to be in the presence of people that i know love me and care about me. people who value my presence.....who actually want to hear my poetry, essays, and my dreams.....people who inspire me to smile cuz i know that they only have good intentions and they only want to see me happy. people that are sincere in their words....words that are always truth...neva bullshit. people that are loyal to me...will ride with me on this journey of life and make me neva look back. damn...is there such a place and do people like that exist???? if there is and if they do......SPEAK AND BE HEARD.....APPEAR AND BE SEEN......cuz i am weary. out.

where da hot sauce an shit......my mind has been soooo open today. was goin to post about errthang i learned about the nat turner and gabriel prosser insurrections....ill do that lata....got some ish on my mind. chilren. i know as a woman, i am supposed to have kids. besides that, i actually WANT to have kids one day. ive never dated a woman with kids until now. well, yes i have but she wasnt around her child very often (she worked a lot). its a different experience. i mean, i have babysat kids...i took care of my brother like he was my child..shit, i take care of my niece like she is my child.....but this is something totally different. not different in a bad way. just different. something i have to get used to. my woman has 2 kids...her son is 9 and her daughter is 2. i want to get to know them better since im gettin to know their mother and they are a part of their mother's life just like me. maynn....i dont know what to say sometimes. yo, i was just brought up totally different from anyone i know. my mother was hella strict and didnt take no shit. she would not hesitate to whup my ass like i was a stranger. call it abuse....i call it keepin me from bein a damn spoiled ass rotten ass heathen like some of these peeps out here. in all honesty, i think i will raise my kids almost the same way my mother raised me. my issue is...i cant tell someone how to raise a child cuz i dont have children of my own. true indeed......but i am planning on having some of my own. a couple of them bamas. the fact remains that i dont have children of my own right now. so, i have to keep quiet when it comes to other people's kids. like, the 2 1/2 year old child my mom babysits....i would have whipped his ass. how the hell can this little bama say "i'ma gangsta yo...holla back" but his ass wont tell nobody when he has to go to the bathroom. what kind of shit is that? *frustrated face* that wont be my child yo. first of all, i am not birthing no future fabolous or *insert a wack ass mc's name here______________*. that shit aint cute....tell me what color the teletubbies are or spit some spanish that you learned from dora the explorer....dammit. second, my child will tell you he has to go to the bathroom cuz i aint cleanin up no shit. maynn, if he/she has an accident, they might as well walk they little ass in the bathroom and change their own pull up, draws, or whateva. when he/she has to clean up that stankin shit....they will tell the whole damn world they have to use the bathroom. call it what you want...but i wont have a shitty assed, unpotty trained, 2 1/2 year old that cant piss in a pot but knows all the words to the new jay-z song. i know, i know mean ass cream....but cream luhs the kids. i do lil daddy. aight, thats it fo now. i need to take my ass to bed. 2 fingas in the air like a playa.

so fly, so flyyyyyyy......these dreams yo....these dreams have me weak. for those of you who read this often....you know what dreams i am referring to. for you newbies....i have been havin dreams of me being famous...a supastar...almost every time i dream. its ill yo....i know in my heart that i will be famous one day. for what, i dont know. all i know is its goin to happen. i am hungry for it yo. i am going to finish my undergrad and get my masters...thats my future cuz my supastardom might not last. just bein realistic. you know how someone is the hottest out and then the next year....nobody remembers them. well, i aint plannin on it. they are neva goin to forget that short redhead chic with the ill poetry, the bangin ass clothing line, the tightest movie of the century, the owner of the restaurant with the most yummy food, the author of several books...im limitless yall. i have so many things i want to do. so many things i am going to do. i am goin to have a busy life. i refuse to just exist. next....today was aight. it rained, sleeted, and snowed. the weather is a trip. im glad we aint got mad snow like up north. its floodin here tho. every school in the state was cancelled except for mine. pissed da kid off. i sucked it up and walked to class in the rain and snow...thinkin, when i get my degree, this will all be worth it. all the sleepless days and nights...all the writing 15 page papers and the professors not even reading them....walkin to class in the damn snow....payin almost $500 for books every semester...yo, i could go on and on but yall get the point. then, when my dreams become reality.....damn yo. i cant even speak on it anymore. i get tears in my eyes when i just THINK about it. how did i get back to that....next...i have 1 month until i see my fam, my big brova (you are a mean troll lil daddy), and my womyn. its a beautiful thing lil daddy. i am plannin surprises for all my peeps i am goin to see ova spring break. sooooo, be prepared. and hell nah.....i aint tellin you what it is. it wouldnt be a surprise if i told you. plus, i got a surprise for one of my friends that is goin through some things. she is one of my closest friends...gotta cheer her up. cant have nobody in my space hurtin, depressed, upset, etc. we all gravy in this piece. aight...goin to bed. need sleep for tomorrows workout. peace.

previous cats......yeah, i know its been a minute. this week has been for a lack of a better word....different. for a minute, i was resisting a rest....then i said fuck it, i need a break. i havent lost my focus nor has my focus changed. i needed some time to adjust to my new situation. i was formally invited to the grand re-opening of someone's heart and i accepted. in case you are slow, da kid is officially spoken for. i thought about it a lot.....even lost sleep cuz i thought so much. i have evolved so much...i finally got my mind right and my heart is free. the contents of my bag of past are somewhere decomposing. yo, for the first time in my life, i entered a relationship with someone and i didnt have any baggage with me. i look at my exes and people i have talked to in a different light. thank yall for comin in my life and teachin me shit (consciously and unconsciously). if i didnt go through the bullshit i have been through...i wouldnt have been prepared for this. now, this is also the first time i got into a relationship with someone like my former self. i can relate to my exes now....aint that some shit??? i am not sure how i am goin to handle it to be totally honest. all i know is i am goin to approach the situation different from the way my exes did. today, i got so salty with her....i kept my cool tho. i thought for about 2 hours and came to a this.....i can relate to how she is feeling cuz i definitely have been there. i was scared of gettin hurt, always worried that someone was cheatin on me or tryin to play me...cuz my exes did it. so, i cant get upset with her for feelin the way she does. she has to see me for me for the relationship to work. all i can do is be there for her and show her love. the rest is up to her. she has to let go of the past if she wants me to be in her future. i dont live in the past and i cant be with someone who lives there. next.....i go home in a month. cant wait. i miss my fam. i am soooo ready for real food. this cafeteria food is goin to be the death of me. nasty shit. anywhoo, i miss my big brova. we are goin out when i get home...a double date. cool huh? next.....da kid has caught a cold. all this damn rain and snow has me sick. so, im finna take some advil cold stuff, listen to miles, and take my ass to bed. peace.

soul from the abyss...sista soul......woke up this mo'nin feelin rested and refreshed. no school, no homework, no gym, no work. finished my 5 day gym thing. yaaay me. im anxious to go next week. thursday, i was sore as hell...i could barely walk straight. im aight now tho. by the summer, i should be where i want to be. im goin to start gettin up at 8:30 to go to the gym. yeah i know....cream gettin up before 10?? i have to....i dont like goin in the evenings....its always too crowded. today, i conversed with the most amazing person. i saw her in the chat room a lot but we never really talked. we would say what up to each other but we would never have a deep conversation. well, i went in the chat room (which i dont do too much anymore) and we had a deep convo finally. im feelin her vibe...like thick. next....yo, i cant explain why i feel soooo weak and strong at the same time. my heart feels like its not effected by gravity...like its weightless.....not heavy anymore. at the same time, its overflowin with love. todays lesson: love isnt heavy...it doesnt make you feel sluggish like the way you feel after you eat thanksgiving dinner. love is an limitless process that you never get full off of. *cheesin like a muhfucka* next...everybody got their music i sent them. my granny called me and it sounded like chuuuch in her room. she loves the cds i made for her.....i might have to send her some more just to make her happy. i love to make her happy. and it didnt take much...maybe cuz it came from me. i am my granny's baby....i know. dawn called me....she is soooo sweet. she inspires me everytime i talk to her. i am so blessed to have intelligent, positive, people in my life. before i forget...thanks for the love tira, diana, sarita, jett, and last but not least artiste. im glad yall peepin me. if you havent left your mark and you are feelin me....please do so. the box is on the left. let yourself be seen. da kid needs to study....ill holla. peace.

days like this....i need a candle lit bubble bath and some honey soap with some billie holiday playin and someone there to wash my back and rub me down with shea butter before i go to bed. today was ok...class was cancelled so no juvy justice for me. i went to the gym...day #2....felt good as sex after a long drought. im tryin my hardest to keep with this gym thing....cant slack off. cant let my focus change. i have grown so much in the past month. im determined to keep this at peace feeling a part of my life forever.....of course, sometimes i get emotional. sometimes i get real salty. sometimes....i scream. ive been startin to peel away layers of shit and ive discovered that if you let shit pile up and you dont clean it up.....you will have a big shitty, stinky, nasty ass mess that will take a long time to clean up. im in the process of cleanin all my shit up. i call it operation poo. next....my brother got a new car. im happy for him...now he can find a permanent job. ive been feelin kinda funny about my fam lately. i guess that is another situation that i need to step back from. i would give my all for my fam and i expect that they would do the same for me. lately, ive been feelin like i am being taken for granted tho. been feelin like i dont matter in their lives. i felt like this when i first came to college and had been feelin like that for some years before. this time, im not going to let it break me. ayyyyy support this. that means all pepsi stuff...mountain dew, lipton iced tea, slice, fruit works, dr pepper, aquafina, sierra mist, and mugs root bear. plus kfc, pizza hut, taco bell, and red lobster. todays lesson: when whoeva said money is the root of all evil....he/she was tellin the damn truth. money changes everything. blood or water becomes irrelevant when it comes to green. goin to bed.....lata.

natural high.....damn..im on a roll. back to back posts....whoa. today was cool. woke up, went to class...no 11:00 class on wednesday or friday. that made my week. i puked my lunch up....damn cafeteria food. went to the gym for 30 minutes.....worked my ass off too. the stairmaster is the machine from hell. my legs are sore as hell but no pain....no pam grier in the 70's body. well....not that exactly. more like this or this. pam is much taller than me. me and ol girl are the about the same height. my thighs are thicker and my melons are bigger....the ass is the same. hopefully it doesnt go anywhere. i just want to get rid of this gut and tone up everything. im goin to go to the gym 5 days a week for at least 30 minutes. i have started to do all of the things that i said i would.....im focused mannnn. i mailed off those cds...enjoyed the walk to the post office. it was about 60 degrees, cloudy, with the smell of rain in the air. made me want to walk more often. i hope the peeps enjoy their music....cuz that is my good deed for the month. no more. next....had a convo with a friend of mine....learned a lot. she and i have a lot in common. more in common than what i thought before we had before that conversation. she intrigues me....which i like. even tho its not on that "ima holla" level....she keeps my attention. not too many people do. if i want an honest opinion, i know i can talk to her and she will tell me da bizness with no bullshit attached. she is definately someone i would like to keep in my space. she makes me feel yellow...not neon yellow....canary yellow. (place that in your mental pipe and smoke it) next...jealousy. in my past relationships, i was real jealous, due to insecurity with myself. i have been over that. i luh myself. cant be with someone that doesnt love and respect themselves. u gotta respect and love yourself before i can. so if you are real insecure and lack self love and self respect.....dont waste your time or mine. aight? alrighty then. need to do some homework, take a shower and wash my hair, and then i finally get to listen to the rain until i go to sleep.......holla.

damn..that chic is crazy..........right now, i have a headache from the depths of hell. it feels like someone is bangin my brow bone with an ax. i made cd's all day today. some may think its crazy but none of them were for me. i promised someone i would make them and mail them in december.....just havent had the funds to do it. so now that da kid has a little change in her pocket, shes doin it. my word is blood....if i say im goin to do something i do it. i made cd's for other peeps too. i was in a giving mood so why not. ill put a smile on someone's face next week. those are my good deeds for the month of february. next....my brother is gettin back $1500 from taxes. im not gon front....i wish i had that money. if i had $1500, the first thing i would do is take myself out to dinner at ruby tuesday. id get a creole catch, a salad, and a blue lagoon megarita. id give my mom some money, get me a pair of boots, and save the rest for one of those "im pissed so im going shoppin" days. he deserves the money tho....he has a daughter. so, i hope he enjoys it. next...my grandma called me to vent. im her personal shrink. she was cussin about somethin and i had to hold in my laughter. yo, it is so funny to hear my granny cuss....."them muhthafuckas aint worth shit" just glad she wasnt cussin at me.....she neva has tho. cream can do no wrong in her granny's eyes. next....da kid is tired of cafeteria food already. since da kid is poor....sometime this week im goin to the grocery store and get a cheap bottle of merlot, a can of smoked oysters, a big bottle of texas pete, and some gummy bears. that will make my day...doesnt take much huh? one day i want to try a cigar...cammie was tellin me about them. ima see what the big damn deal is. *mood update* i am still in my mood....aint shit changed. i took a "what wine are you" quiz.....

If I were a wine I would be...


This quiz was created by Krazy K. Take it here!

hehehe....you know it. goin to bed...gotta get up and take my ass to the gym tomorrow morning. peace......lataaaaaa.

ne me quite pas........i have been in an anti-social mood for the past couple of days. i havent been feelin "people". just wanna be by myself in my little room. like i said in my last post.....i need some space. so, if im my attitude is a bit smelly, you have been warned. next....the basketball game was off the hook. we lost tho. we have a deaf player on our team. i was gettin mad cuz the bitch that was guarding her was foulin the fuck out of her. its not like she could yell at her or the refs. i wanted to go out there and cuss the chic out for her. yo, i didnt know coaches are so evil. damn, they were yellin at the players like they wasnt shit. they are some evil trolls. thats why cream didnt play basketball. well, and the fact that i am short and never had any interest in playing. im thinkin about playin women's rugby for my school. i wanted to play football in high school but my mom wouldnt let me. rugby is a lot like football.....a little more dangerous tho. even if i dont play, im determined to start working out again. diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family, so i need to do something. i want to live a longggggg time. went into the chatroom for the first time in a while and met someone interesting...she and i had a long convo. she is a poet also. there is something about conversing with someone that likes to play with words as much as i do that makes me feel all peachy. needless to say, my mind got fed. thats a beautiful thing lil daddy. next....i wish it would rain....i would cut off all my lights and light my favorite candle. i would lay in the middle of my floor and listen to the rain until i fell asleep. i can always wish....bout to lay in my bed and listen to billie until i fall asleep.

float on my cerebellum.......i have been real irritable lately. well, shit, im always irritable...its just 10 times worse now. i dont scream or anything....actually im calm as hell. im in a "leave me the fuck alone unless i invite you in my space" mood. im not tryin to be mean.....just need some space. after work, school, and homework, da kid does not want to hear bullshit. dont take it personal.....just holla back and maybe...just maybe, ill be in a better mood. a friend of mine called me today and told me that she is going to mail me my christmas present and my birthday present. yaaaayyy. she knows i luuuuhhhhh presents. she just wont tell me what they are. i cant wait to get them. speakin of presents.....spank you verrrrryyyyyy hard for my spoken word book jae!!!!!! now, if only i could get time to actually sit down and read the damn thing. im going to make time. father update.....his bastid ass called. we talked. shit still aint changed with him....same shit, different toilet. excuse after excuse. the only difference is my approach. to put it mildly, i dont give a fat monkey's hairy ass if he calls or if he doesnt. next...reality slapped me today with this.....there are so many people out there that luh me and care about me. thank yall soooooo much. i know who yall are. wish all of us could get together and have a big ass creamfest. that sounded kinda freaky.....movin on. im goin to a womens basketball game tomorrow.....my first one. *heheheh* ima have fun...i know it. peep this shit.....i went to a chinese new year celebration. it was a building program....dont usually go but i went. they said it would have chinese food. so, of course i go...free chinese food....hell to da yeah. listened to all this shit for an hour.....chinese new year...a damn skit with people who could barely speak english.....blah, blah, blah. so, when it was over, me and my friend went to the food table. *gettin heated* why in the hell....was it some boiled brown eggs and some things that looked like soggy turtle eggs. yoooo, i was heated. i watched this borin ass shit so i could eat some general tsos chicken or some shrimp fried rice, not no damn fear factor food. people was eatin the shit too. i was like HELL TO DA MUHFUCKIN NAHHHHHHHH. i came back to my room hungry as hell. i got my mouth all ready for some real chinese food and then it was that fear factor shit. i gotta go to bed....big day tomorrow. everyday is a big day. anywhoo.....peace.

the light.....today, i woke up to the burgundy light on my face....when the sun comes through my curtains....it makes my room look burgundy. for some reason...i felt like today was going to be significant. dont know why...just did. beginning......my friend got a car today so we went to the mall, walmart, and the grocery store. it was real cool. had fun. bought my mother some thing for valentines day, bought me some undies to add to my collection (yes a collection), and some envelopes. nothing major. came back to my room...there was a message from my fathers girlfriend saying he was trying to call me and that he would call me later on. cool beans. i rinsed my hair..i cant stand it if my red is not vibrant....and chilled. my father called. the conversation started off aight...then of course it got bad. we disagree on a lot...he says we have a lot in common. how in the hell can you tell me that we have a lot in common when you dont know me? this muhfucka doesnt even know my favorite food...my favorite color...my hobbies....nothing. and the fucked up part about it is....its his fault he doesnt know. then, we talked about him paying back child support. he owes my momma a lot of money...so much money, she would be somewhat wealthy if she got it. this bastid made it seem like, he doesnt owe her shit. like it was her choice to raise us and take care of us by herself. that was the point when i got heated. so heated, i started crying. i have never cried when i was on the phone with him. i would always wait but yo, i couldnt hold it. its like my childhood flashed before my eyes....not having a christmas tree or anything to put under one, not being able to go on field trips cuz ma didnt have the money, having the lights cut off.....( i know how to cut your lights and your water back on if they get cut off....thats not some shit i should know), not having a muthafuckin thing in the fridge but was happy as hell cuz we still had a home....i could go on and on. my momma worked 3 damn jobs...almost worked herself to death. she needs a heart transplant and here this muhfucka is saying that it was her choice to work like a damn dog. he asked me what is me being bitter solving. i have a damn right to be bitter and hell no i am never goin to let that shit ride.....hell nah. if his sorry ass was a man....i wouldnt have grown up like i did. i know it could have been a lot worse....but dammit it could have been a whole lot better. anyway, just when shit started gettin real heated, he said, "i'ma call you back." i sat in the middle of my floorin holding my phone....waiting for it to ring. i waited 2 hours. finally i had to go wash my rinse out of my hair...so i left. i stood in the shower and cried until my eyes ached. i came back in my room....no messages on my answering machine.....did something i havent done since i was 18.......i stood in front of my mirror and dropped my towel. for the first time in my life, i saw and said nothing negative. i rubbed shea butter on every inch of my honey brown skin...barely taking my eyes off of that mirror. from my eyes (which were swollen at the time from crying)...how full and pink my lips are.....how they look like im poutin........the beauty mark on my left cheek....my melons....my legs...thick toned thighs with well defined calves.....my booty thats shaped like an upside down heart....i looked at everything..from da roota to da toota. came to this........today was the final tick. i have seen the light. no more waitin for a relationship with my father. no more waitin for phone calls from people who dont appreciate me or my time. no more waitin for my "soulmate". no more waitin to do this or do that when i get the body i want. no more waitin. the clock doesnt stop...so why should i wait?

come be with me.......da kid feels lonely.....she wants to be touched....stroked.......like the bottom of the pacific.....to make her feel the pacific.....smooth and rough but always wet.....i know....my mind is in the gutta. thats just the beginning...its almost finished. might put it the rest up here. next...ma called me on saturday to tell me that cream sent me a letter. weird aint it? i sent his letter off on friday. me and cream are cut from the same cloth....our minds are connected. like i said before, he is the closest person to me outside of my fam. my sister read the letter to me and it brought tears to my eyes. we basically said the same things. cant wait to see what he says in his next letter. i should get it tomorrow. monday, i went shopping. it was a me day. i treated myself to some things that i actually needed. my father finally called me. he had his excuse for why he didnt call. he always has a damn excuse. im so tired of excuses. im tired of understanding. when is he going to understand that his baby girl is tired. tired of his bullshit. got some money from him today. bout damn time. when is the next payment comin??? you have a large past due balance lil daddy. a sista needs some new shoes. im officially on red alert. been feelin kinda irritable. dont feel like doing too much but sleepin and drinking strawberry lemonade. havent had a big appetite lately. all i want is something to drink. gimme some black cherry kool-aid dammit!!! on to other shit...isnt that hard to believe is it? well, this may sound crazy to peeps...i still like his music. i dont approve of his actions in his personal life....the fact remains that he can write a hit. all he needs to do is get help for that little girl fetish of his. next...im worried about a friend of mine....she is gettin ready to end a 6 year relationship. she is in a "where i wanna be" situation. i hope she is ok cuz women are crazy. DONT MAKE ME HAVE TO COME TO ATL AND KICK SOME ASS. women like her are rare...deep minded, works, has goals, uses her brain. *singin* "if i was your girlfriend....." joke. i hope everything works out for her.....enjoy single life..no one of flesh and blood knows whats best for you but you. do what ya do lil daddy. anywhoo, da kid is mad frustrated and sleepy....not a good combo. so, thank you for comin out, god bless you, good night.

revelations from da redhead chic.....im 22 big baaabbbaayyyy! how does it feel? well, it feels kinda good. well, more than kinda. i praise the most high that i have seen 21 years on this earth. lookin forward to many more. my birthday was a day of deep thinking and evaluation. thoughts about everything from my weight to my father came up. i thought about my ex-fiance too. cream is his name....yes its a HIM. he is partially responsible for the woman that people know today. i know through all my shit, good or bad, cream is going to have my back regardless of how the shit turns out. when i was going through my "im goin to do what makes everybody else happy" phase, he encouraged me to DO ME. he supported me when nobody else did.....he had faith in me when i didnt have faith in myself. its like, he taught me how to walk on my own. when nobody else gave a fuck about lady cream, he did. and of course, my name came from his. anyway, i miss him a lot. he is the only male besides my brother that is in my space. i wrote him a letter tonight....i havent written in a while. there is no excuse except pride...i let my pride keep me from writing him. he hasnt written me in a minute, so i havent written him. he has A LOT more stress than i do, so i should have picked up a pen a long time ago. shoulda, coulda, i didnt. i did it tonight tho. i wrote him a letter and sent him some of my poetry that he loves so much. that is a friendship that i want to keep for eternity. i pledge my undying loyalty and friendship to him and i know he will do the same thing. we will always be thicka than water. a lot of peeps called me on my b-day. thank all of yall....its too many of yall to name on here. just know, i felt loved....even tho "cough" i didnt get any presents *cough*. its all gravy tho. i know ill get my presents eventually. its funny how people that read my blog and/or chat with me online sent me birthday cards or called me to wish me a happy birthday. damn near strangers wishin me a happy birthday and my father didnt call me, send a card, send a note, nothing. i was a little hurt....im used to it tho. like i said in a past post, i cant make him love me...i cant make him have a relationship with me.....he is a grown ass man and i cant make him do or feel anything. i am sendin this issue to my "lost causes" department. i will not allow him to hurt me anymore. i will not put him in a position to hurt me anymore. i always ask my mother....are u sure you werent messin around on my father? hopin she will say yes so there would be a possibility that this sorry excuse for a man wouldnt be my father. she always says no. i dont believe it tho. how could a brilliant, beautiful, intellectual, stunning, speci-woman like myself, come from a sorry, excuse-full, no good, man? next....my ex called me and woke me up. which is partially the reason why i am awake right now. the other reason is because da kid is gettin sick....nose is stopped up like whoa.....thats another topic. anyway, she called to tell me happy belated birthday. yo, i am proud of myself. i dont see her in the same light i saw her in when we were together. i see her like i see any other chic. no warm tingly feelins when we talk. no nervousness. no unfriendship like love.....just conversation. da kid has came a long way. say it with me...you ready? aight. YAAAAYYYYYYY. yall, as much as i would love to write some more....i need to try to go back to sleep (keyword:try). i have to get up for school tomorrow....maybe it will be canceled cuz of the snow!!! i doubt it tho. this university wont close for shit. ill holla lata. peace, love, and sooouuulll.

HAPPY 22 TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND MLK!!!!!

BY MY GOTDAMN SELF........back at school. cried like a baby when my mom left. i tried not to...my neice blew me a kiss and it was over. i started cryin right then. i love my fam. like i said, this time at home made me realize how much i love them. im lookin forward to this spring break. first day of school. it was cool....like i said, im focused. went out with my big brova the night before i left. since it was her birthday, she got to wear my coach "pimp hat". we danced......GET OFF MY BOOTY LIL DADDY!!!!.....and scoped people out. we gave a lot of peeps *thumbs down*...shit some even got thumbs and toes down. see her page for details on our rating system. all in all, we had fun for her birthday. ima miss her silly ass. next topic...the trashman picked up my bag of past. then today, i found someone i thought i wanted to keep, but on second thought, i dont. so, they are gone too. what happened? ill let you know. i feel like she is stuck in past tense. plus, im gettin mixed signals from her and i dont play that childish shit. im a grown woman dammit. speakin of bein grown, 2 days til 22. a couple of my friends want to take me out to a club. i dont wanna go, so im not. all i want to do is, get me a bottle of rum, a spicy chicken sandwich and a frosty from wendy's, and drink by myself, eat by myself, chill by myself, errthang by my gotdamn self. although, it would be nice to be romanced on my birthday....a full body massage, 22 white roses, a deep convo, birthday licks (literally) before some intense, make me scream ya name, birthday oochie.....hehehehe. i can dream right? my father said he is goin to send me some money since im broke.....i wont hold my breath. not used to gettin up early....sleepy as hell...goin to bed.....peace.

packin my rags.....go shawty......its ya birthday.....happy b-day to my big brova. may you maintain the sanity you still have at 24......my last day at home until march....im goin to miss it. home is home. no matter where i go, there will be no where like it. im going to miss my fam. me and my mom got along the whole time i have been here. she read my poetry...which at first, she didnt think i wrote. her baby is a poet!!!! i saw how grown up my brother is. i remember takin care of him....now he is a grown ass man takin care of his daughter. everytime i look at my neice, i feel like im lookin at myself when i was her age. the only difference is, i was lighter than she is. she is soooo smart. im saving money for her to get into some kind of dancing school. that chile dances whenever she hears music...it couild be a commercial, she'll stop whateva she is doing and start dancing. she reminds me of the dancing baby on ally mcbeal. i love my fam with everything in me. it took me growin the fuck up to realize how much. im excited about going back to school. im going back a different person with a totally new perspective. 4 days left of 21....its been real....shitty. well, it could have been worse. i plan on makin 22 much better. *cough* hope i get some presents *cough* i need to pack my rags so i can go....peace.

i got a lot of livin to do before i die.....
THEME MUSIC:

i am awake. my mind is free. so, i will not write about the love that turned into strong dislike...hate is such a strong word....at the same time, hatred is a sign of weakness. i know at times i am weak...everyone is. the difference is, my times of weakness will be few. i have to be strong, for myself. strong because i have to survive. everybody is on a path.....i will keep on mine. nobody can help me stay on my path but me. no one of flesh and blood knows whats best for me, but me. i intend to always do whats best for me. not saying that i will ignore other people's needs....its just my needs and happiness come first. i have been through a lot in my 21 years and most high willin, when i see 22, im lettin all of the pain and negativity in my past go. im a grown ass woman now. i cant dwell in the past if i want to move forward. you cant move into a new place without giving up the old place. im sittin my bag of past on the curb. the contents of that bag include exes, associates, posessions, etc. not going to say anything more....need to gather my thoughts.

huh?.....i just read something......confused....fightin the urge to think negatively. i have a tendency to think the worst of situations. so, i checked that at the front door. i came in to her house with an open mind.....i was supposed to leave with a better understanding...i walk out of her door with confusion. *insert the frustrated face here* i wanna know why she thinks the way she does....why she says some of the things she says..... i want what i was supposed to leave her house with. its like goin to get a pepperoni pizza, havin your mouth ready to taste it, but instead you get a sandwich. hopefully, i will get the oppurtunity to know why....in time. for now, let me eat my sandwich.

mysterium.....im focused man......burnin 2 sandalwood insense, 1 for me and 1 for my future....just took a shea butter and lavendar bath to clear my head. last night, i almost relapsed...almost broke. i held my tears...i wont look back. i will keep my focus forward....only cowards look back. i aint scared of what lies ahead of me. 2003 is goin to be positively different from 2002. my only resolution is to stay focused. yo, i am soooooo focused ladies and gents. in 2003...no drama, no bullshit, no losers, no issues. a lot of peeps have been formally uninvited from my space...in other words, yall asses aint welcome no more. today my objective is to clean out my closet. i have so much stuff in there that i dont need or want anymore. there are a lot of things that have memories attached to them that i dont want to hold on to....in that closet. its time to let that shit go. you cant grab anything new if your hands are full of old shit. ayyy, 11 days til 22. to be toally honest, im amped. most high willing, i will see my 22nd b-day. *clearin throat* click on my wishlist, cop me something, and make me smile *clearin throat* i go back to school in about a week. im goin to approach this whole school thing differently. true indeed, i am sooooo tired of school. that is goin to make me work 1000 times harder to get the hell out of there. i am ready to start my career. i have already started workin on my dreams. i am writin a lot more, readin a lot more, designin a lot more, thinkin a lot more, feelin me a lot more. i am so fuckin focused yo. peace.