its me again
blastin: bran nubian- love me or leave me alone
my last post was crazy as hell....i know. i was angry but now im over it, somewhat. i have a lot on my plate...i graduate next week. its scary as hell. its come so fast. i havent had time to catch my breath. i always remember saying that i couldnt wait until i graduated but i never thought about what i would do after...well i guess i did....i had big dreams of being a DEA agent and then a lawyer and saving the world. lol. now, i just want a career in the criminal justice system, graduate from law school before im 30, and not live from paycheck to paycheck. graduating will give me a little bit more time to work on my writing. i am going to publish a couple of books. today, i went to the donning of the kente cloth ceremony. its a celebration for black graduates. mayn, i almost cried, i admit it. they called my name and as i was walking up to get my cloth and my award, it was like i was moving in slow motion. all i could think about was the time when i though id never go to college and all the people who told me that i wouldnt amount to shit. here i am graduating...muhfuckas. next....ive been hella anti-social for the past week. im PMS'n and i flipped on several people, ignored a couple more. next...i decided to call inayah today and to say the least, i got a bit pissed. she used to call me everyday, not that i expected her to, she just did. when she called, most of the time, i was either sleep, in class, or in court. i hadnt talked to her in about a week so i decided to call her. we didnt argue but there was tension there. there is no doubt that things have changed between us. maybe its my fault for being nonchalant about the situation. most of the time, im nonchalant about ANY situation. i mean, she is cool and before today, she had potential to be my woman...eventually. i have yet to meet a woman that makes me want to be in a relationship with her ASAP. like i said before, im not looking but im not blind either. im lettin things flow....everything in its time. i dont know if inayah and i will continue to be friends or if this will be the last conversation we ever have. either way, i learned from her and i hope she learned from me. now, on to india. we havent been talking as much as we used to. we both have a lot on our minds. it bothered me for a little while but like i always say....india is herself. ive met someone that is as moody and distant as i am at times. the only thing that bothers me is that i dont know what her intentions are. what the fuck does she want from me?? i cant ask her that because i dont know what i want from her. *sigh* anyway, im gonna go get some food and take a nap. in a minute......peace and power naps.....cream out

tempermental........my attitude is all fucked up and real shitty......i dont know if im just pms'n or if im just in one of my fucked up moods. anyway, take that shit as a warning. im even less tolerable of bullshit and more easily irritated than usual. come correct or get ya card pulled gatdammit. sooo, this post is not for the sensitive. anyway, plans changed....no visitors for cream. no doubt im disappointed....borderline pissed. i dont have shit to do this weekend because i planned on being chillin with her. i didnt know for a fact that she wasnt comin until the day before. i have a lightweight tude with her at this point. hell, i have a tude with the world at right now. cream is mad at the world bitches!!!!!!!

random thoughts and irritations:

1. being on fuckin hold. im impatient as hell and if i stay on hold for a while, i must really like you cuz i will hang up after 5 seconds if im on the phone with the average mofo. dont take advantage of that shit. appreciate the fact that i dig you enough to wait 10 seconds with yo ass. if ya gonna start a fuckin conversation, be considerate enough to click over and tell me you'll call me back. not clickin over pisses me off...thats incon-fuckin-siderate....smut.
2. why do people feel the need to knock on my door to tell me dumb shit or vent about their issues? if my door is closed, 10 times out of 10, i dont feel like being bothered. unless ya payin me $59.95, i dont wanna hear about ya fuckin problems. tell somebody who gives a fuck...mmkay?
3. these sororities tryin to recruit me. look dammit, i do not pay for friends. nor will i pay to be on a line for you to make me eat all kinds of weird shit, run, be referred to only as bitch, and basically have a bunch of no life havin cunts dictate my life for 3 months. i dont like sheep-like bitches under any circumstances. they have the nerve to say "yall hate us cuz yall aint us. we are the prettiest blah blah blah". yeah bitch, i hate the fact that you look like a bloated mud duck with your 24 inch yacky tracks showin....in a smedium pink and green jacket. most of yall are mugg as a bitch. the ones that are somewhat cute have dumpster juice attitudes. like i said....skee-wee on my dick, smut bitches. fuck you and your sorors...fuckin smut ass sheep. get an identity and a life. oh yeah, no thanks, ill pass on pledging.
4. dont do some fucked up shit and then act like ya didnt do anything. that is the quickest way to get cut. apologize and right ya wrongs...bitch. you will respect me in this bitch.
5. my computer is actin like a evil troll. if i didnt know i couldnt get another one, id riverdance all over this shit. i cussed my computer out 3 times yesterday. i was sooooo close to drop kickin it. i know ya thinkin....why cuss at it when it cant respond, doesnt hear you, etc? cuz its mine and i can verbally abuse it if i want dammit.
6. please, for your own sake, get my ass outta ya mouth. *throwin dirty tampons at shark bitches*
7. what the fuck is it doing snowing in april??? we couldnt get snow in the winter but it can snow in the spring. damn people fucked up the atmosphere now we cant tell one season from the next. smh.
8. i turned my phone off to keep from throwin it into the wall and then havin to pay $100 for it. wait til i turn it on...6 hours later. ill have 10 evil ass messages. "why ya got ya phone off???" cuz i didnt feel like being bothered bitch.
9. im soooo feelin this song. *blastin* i do know one thing tho...bitches they come, they go. i cant be ya wonder woman bitch. i think that will be my theme song for a while.
10. speaking of music...why in the hell am i feelin "holla back girl" by gwen stefani?? i find myself poppin my booty to this lame crap......this shit is bananas....b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
11. why are women so damn wack now? it seems like every chic that tries to holla, is a lame ass, ignorant, no ambition havin, smut. ima need yall to step ya game up and get ya shit together before you fix your mouth to say "can i get to know you better?". how bout hell no?
12. when is bilal gonna come out with another cd? "sometimes" is my shit!!!!
13. 2 weeks until i graduate and it still hasnt hit me yet.
14. i want to go eat sushi and drink merlot tonight. i didnt have to pay for the ingredients to a lasagna so its not like i dont have the money. nah, i shouldnt do that. being drunk and horny is not a good look right now.

thats enough for now dammit. i think i need to meditate or something. woooo sahhhhhh....peace and sayin what the fuck is on ya mind.....cream out.

no tears.......he called today....surprised the hell out of me. he usually does tho. its not often i hear from him. we, well...he talked for about 30 minutes. he said the usual, nothing but excuses. for the first time in my life, it didnt bother me. he didnt bother me. it was like, i was talking to a stranger. i loved him before i ever met him. to hear him speak is like hearing myself sometimes. we have the same "i dont give a fuck" attitude...his is aged and tired...you can tell its been around for a while. mine, young, fresh, and new...quick as a man fresh out of jail. there is not doubt that i love this man. i used to get teary eyed just thinking about how much i love him. i wanted to be with him, i wanted him to love me the way that i loved him. i wanted him to kiss my forehead and see the reflection of my smile in his. i hoped for so much at one point and time but that point and that time, isnt the present. im older, a little wiser, and that attitude of ours has gained more venom. when he told me he loved me today, i felt numb. like i said, there is no doubt that i love him but i have all the reason to believe that this relationship of ours is one sided. i used to wonder how you love someone but at the same time hurt them. in this situation, the hurt he used to inflict was a result of his upbringing. he doesnt know how to love because he has never been shown love. well, i take that back. he has been shown love but its so damn unfamiliar that he doesnt know how to react to it. maybe thats why it takes me cursing to get him to listen to me. i cant talk to him like a civilized adult because in reality, he's not a civilized adult. he may be an adult but he sure as hell isnt civilized. anyway, our conversation didnt hurt me but it did make me sit back and think. would i be the same if i had never met him?? probably not. he taught me a lot even tho he doesnt realize it yet. maybe one day we'll be able to sit down and converse without him getting angry or me walking away from the situation. who knows what may happen? all i know is, today, i conquered letting him move my emotions. he no longer has that power. ive realized that all i can do, is do me...the rest is up to him. in a minute...peace and dry eyes...cream out.

claritin induced ramblings.......its 3 am and since my eyes are aching because of my allergies, im awake. she is frequenting my mind, even tho im not pleased with her at the moment. i talked to my bestest friend nisha today and she was tellin me what happened when her, my ex, and my ex's new girl went to the club. to make a very long story short, my ex and her girl were arguing, ex gets out of the car and starts walking but her dumb ass is a longgggg way from her and her girl's apartment, yada, yada, yada. i almost felt bad for her....she works in the city her girl lives in and thats like 50 miles away. she lives with her girl. she doesnt have a car so her only means of transportation is her girl's car. so basically, she is stuck in a relationship that she isnt happy in. karma is a bitch huh? anyway, i was thinking about all of my past relationships and how all of them ended. not saying that i was totally innocent in every one but every last one of them ended because of something they did. true, i can be a meanypants occasionally and yes, i am moody as fuck, and yes....i dont take no shit...so i can see where things that i might have done or said slightly soured the relationships. this is the longest i have been single and it actually isnt that bad. im doing me....ive always seemed to be in a relationship. im not lonely more times than i am. my company kicks ass....more people should take time to just chill with yourself. devote the time and effort that you would have on a relationship, to yourself. gatdammit, you'll feel like a new person. im talking to new people, no strings attached...basically just out to enjoy myself. im not looking for anything but at the same time, im not blind. ya feel me? now, me and india....who knows what is gonna happen? she......smh.....she is herself, thats all i can say. im not gonna comment because i feel some kinda way right now. i feel like im gonna be single for a while unless someone shows me something beyond bullshit. show me ya soul ho!!!! lol...my buddy tee jaye got me endin every sentence with ho. its better than my usual baaatch ending. next...tomorrow, i dont have to go to my internship. praise moses. i have a lot to do. walmart to get some damn tissues for my drippy nose. sewing class so i can finish this damn button down. laundry because a person could camp out in the pile in my corner. clean this damn dusty ass room...i hate that fuckin steel mill across the street. some chic that likes me is supposed to be braiding my hair tonight. we'll see how that goes. she isnt bad looking but once again i say, im not looking for anyone. lmao....i got mike jones-like on ya ass. I SAID.....im not looking for anyone. oh yeah.....the new layout. it took me 3 hours, which is good considering the fact that it was totally different from my last layout. omahyra is lookin so damn sexy over to the left. i lick my lips everytime i see that pic (joke). fa real tho, she is sexy as hell. she could definitely get the business. speaking of the business....my horny streak has not stopped. im still a horny toad. i cant wait to release all this sexual frustration im havin. the next woman i am with is gonna get it. that wet spot is gonna be HUGE. im talkin bout...fuck sleepin, we gon have to strip the bed and wash the sheets type shit. aight, i feel myself rambling. im takin my swolled eyed, sneezin every 15 minutes, runny nosed havin ass to bed. in a minute....peace and benedryl....cream out.

unadulerated.....warning, this may be a long post. so, get a glass of kool-aid and something to snack on. hmmm...where to begin? my family. i got a phone call from my grandma earlier this week...before i could say hello, she was cursing. she only curses when someone REALLY pisses her off. so, im thinking "damn, what the hell did i do?" well, she was mad because my great aunt called her and asked her why she hadnt received a graduation invitation from me. well, them damn things are 7 for $80 or something like that so im not gonna worry about a damn invitation. you are lucky if you get a call from me. anyway, my grandma was flippin because this is the same aunt that told my grandma that i wouldnt graduate from high school and basically i wouldnt ever be about shit. well ladies and gents, im graduating from college, most high willing. put that in ya pipe and smoke it. my aunt went on to question if i was even graduating at all....like, me not sending invitations was a sign that im lying or some shit. believe what the fuck you want homegirl....you'll be one of the people that i dont call to invite. aint like i wanted you there anyway. in all honesty, i dont want to go but im being forced to go by my mother and grandmother. thats the least i can do since they kinda helped me get through this hell called college. back to my aunt...so, a couple of days goes by. she sees a man that she went to high school with and the man says, your niece's husband works for me. that niece he was referring to is my mother and of course the man is my father. *sigh* so, my aunt decided to call my father and announce that i was graduating and all that shit. now...wasnt this the same chic that questioned if i was graduating or not??? uhh huh...thats what i thought. anyway, she talks to my father and then calls my grandma to tell her what she did. my grandma calls my mother and then...my mother calls my father. now, keep in mind that i havent decided if im going to tell him im graduating because im not sure if i want him there. his ass hasnt called me in about 2 months and like i said before, im not calling him first anymore. fuck that. my mother tells him that im graduating and asks him if he wants to go. uhhh...who said that i wanted him there in the first place??? so, when my mother calls me and tells me the whole situation, im heated. im a grown ass womyn and i can make my own decisions. i dont need anybody inviting anybody or trying to make plans for me. leave me the fuck alone. so, as of right now, my father still hasnt called and i still havent decided if im going to invite him. i know if he came then his mother would too and yo, not to be funny but uhhh...i dont like her and she doesnt like me. i dont want her at my graduation. i havent talked to that woman in 6 years. nor has she ever asked about me or anything. to her, i dont exist. so, fuck her with an anthrax soaked tampon. this graduation thing is so damn stressful yo. ill be so damn happy when this shit is over. i took my statistics test and i was confident until i saw that shit. it was like, damn, she told us to study this shit and none of what she told us to study is on this test. everybody did bad...which didnt make me feel any better but it didnt make me feel really bad....hell, that shows im not the only one that doesnt understand her ass. i dont know what she is gonna do as far as the test...all i know is i better pass gatdammit. its so much more at stake than me graduating. my brother called me this afternoon to say that he flipped on my mother's ex. smh. i knew it would happen eventually. i calmed him down and hopefully, this is the end of his anger. i said...hopefully. i feel like i have to go home because my family needs me. im the glue that holds us together. now, i know how my grandfather must have felt. on to more cheery things......im soooooo sexually frustrated yo. lmao....thats not too cheery huh? sex is on my brain something nasssty. *sigh* its been bad since friday. nothing happened to trigger it, i just woke up like "hmmmm....i wanna do the oochie". me and india (the chic ive been talkin to) have been talking a lot more. we arent together but its almost like we are. we talk every day and if we dont, one of us has a damn attitude. im still kinda talkin to inayah. she has been real distant for the past 2 months. im going through so much in my life that i dont want to add any more complications to her life. there are other things that are keepin me from letting down my guard. her and india are totally different. i mean, like night and day. right now, im just chillin. one day ill be in a relationship but i dont see that happening anytime soon. im not ready and i know that no one else is ready for me. i need to breathe. in a minute...peace....cream is the opposite of in.

cosa nostra.....she and i just got off the phone. words spoken, taken literally, their meaning left unheard. voices were raised a few octaves...arguing as if there was not a she and i but a we....as if her intentions were more than friendship with a couple of bedroom benefits. as if i could put a title on what she and i are or will be. in the midst of the ebbing and flowing of sharp words....tempers were inflamed and tongues were bit. blood fell from my lips leavin a bitter taste and a nice stain on this...thing...this cocktail of friendship and lust...our very own cosa nostra. i was angry when i wrote that....took me less than 10 minutes. anyway, i dont know what will happen between us because tension is gettin high...high like crackheads on weekend. i dig her a lot, maybe more than i should, but right now, im just tryin to enjoy myself and i know that she is too. she doesnt have to tell me that she sees other people or that she has been intimate with someone else because in my heart, i know. ask my exes...they'll tell you im like miss cleo when it comes to stuff like that. i know when something isnt quite right. ive sat down and thought long and hard about this situation and my conclusion is...what makes me feel good is most important right now...whether that is finding a job so i can start my career, splurging on some new sandals to show off my pedicure, or being intimate with her. whatever happens, happens. why stress it? im just making sure my feelings dont get involved. im only responsible for my feelings. next...i talked to both of the exes that i converse with today. i actually missed both of them....not in a relationship type way tho. they are the people that know me best and i love them for that. they taught me a lot. both told me that at one time, they wanted to get back with me. flattering....but its not gonna happen. getting back with either one would be counterproductive. i rode both of those horses before and got bucked off....im not gonna be a fool and get back on either of them again. fucka that. next....im beginning to see things in a different light. its like something just clicked in my head and said..."have fun, enjoy life" and thats what im striving to do everyday. hell, im 24 years old and i never dreamed that i would be where i am right now. ive been on this earth 24 years and there is so much i want to see and do. who knows when the most high will take me from this earth....until it happens im going to enjoy myself and live as freely as i can. next...i finally told the girl down the hall that im a lesbian. i dont know how she didnt know but uhhh....she didnt. now, she is givin me the eye and shit but she has a girlfriend. now...she could get the bizness if she didnt have a girlfriend. cream is not a homewrecker. anywhoo....thats enough. im going to watch the l word. in a minute....peace and doin me....cream out.



Shane - You're fun and exciting; but a little
distant. You never get too connected wherever
you go; but you are able to let your friends
know that they are important to you without
tying yourself down. Truth is you're afraid to
get too attached because when it comes to love
who knows what will happen; don't be so afraid.
Other than that everythings cool; you do things
your own way and encourage people to do things
their own way too.


Which L Word Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

the people's champ......well hellerrrr....its been a long time and yo....the break was needed. before i begin my rants, i created a new forum. the other host was all screwed up so i decided to change hosts and start from scratch. my forum is open to anyone with an open mind and intelligence....so, join and post up. anywhoo, my spring break was aight. i chilled with my niece a lot. to see her runnin out of my brother's car screamin "AUNTIEEEEEEEEEE" was the highlight of my trip. its amazing how children love unconditionally......they love you beyond the bullshit. i want to protect her from all the evils of the world but i know i cant. im just going to make sure that she has a better childhood than i had and feed her brain as much as possible. she wants to know about everything. i was laying on the couch and she was sittin on my back playing with my fro while i was reading "the little red hen" to her. she told me that she wants to go to school so she can be smart like me. lmao. i promised her that i would teach her everything i know, plus pay for her to go to school like me when she gets older. the child is so damn intelligent yo. she's started writing the alphabet and she is only 3. i refuse to let her mother's chickenhead, project, hoodrat mentality rub off on her. i know that sounds cold but yo...its the truth. my niece has 4 cousins on her mother's side and they are all bi-racial. she told me that they told her she was ugly because she has "nappy" hair. she went on to tell me that her mother said if she called my mother "momma" that her mother would get one of her cousins and my niece wouldnt be her baby anymore. yall...i flipped the fuck out. first of all, i know i cant blame the children for what they said. they are all under 8 years old so that opinion of "nappy hair is bad" has been put in their heads. BUT...its up to my niece's mother to correct that shit. i refuse to let my niece believe that she is inferior just because she doesnt have straight, european hair. fuck that. i sat down with her and told her that her hair is beautiful and so is she. me having natural hair myself helped a lot. she always is messing with my hair and tellin me how pretty it is. well, her hair is the same texture as mine. i told her to tell her cousins to kick rocks. as far as the comment that her mother made about calling my mother "momma".....smh. a dog gives birth but that doesnt make her a momma. she stood in front of me when she was 8 months pregnant talking about how she didnt want to have a baby and she wanted to get an abortion. she is an immature, inane, extraneous, and in the words of my buddy alia, a ho ass smitch. fuck her and her life....my niece would be better off without her. she is the prime example of a deadbeat mother. enough about that, me and my fam had a lot of fun. i love my fam and i know they love me. i went to see my brother's best friend in jail and i had tears in my eyes. i never thought that i would see him on the other side of that glass. i never thought that he would do the things he did. he and my brother have been friends since they were in the 1st grade. i remember that boy was over our house all the time and always had a damn basketball in his hands. i thought he end up being an pro athlete because his game was tight as hell. i dont know where shit went wrong. the situation is sorta like my ex's situation. they both had the potential to be great athletes and productive people but something went wrong. they both got caught up in "the fast life", as old people say. anyway, i was telling him what he needed to do as far as his lawyer and all that...all the while, tryin not to cry (i'ma sensitive mofo). my mother said that he wrote me a letter so this weekend i have to write him back. in the letter, he said that my family is the only family that he has ever known and we've done more for him than his blood relatives. smh. looking in his eyes when i went to visit him showed me that shit isnt good with him. his mouth says one thing but his eyes say something totally different. he's like my little brother and i want to make sure that he doesnt hurt himself while he is locked up. next....my view of this whole life thing has changed slightly. im a lot less uptight than i used to be. no need in gettin stressed about things that you cant change. im here to enjoy myself. of course ill experience pain, but it wont be because im purposely puttin myself in that position. meaning, if something makes me unhappy, then im out. im all for my own happiness right now. i dont have time to be all sad and shit. i have a life to live. the most high put me here for a reason and i refuse to waste this opportunity called life. speaking of the most high, i went to church while i was home. *GASP* lmao. i know...i dont seem like the type to go but for some reason, i went. the sermon was something that i needed to hear. "exceeding expectations"....there are some people in life that expect you to fail, they want you to fail. with faith in the most high and the same amount of effort, you can exceed expectations. thats the cliff notes version. anyway, this entry is rather lengthy so ima end it now. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.