u dont know.......i know i havent written in a while. i just havent felt like it in all honesty. my writing is directly correlated to my reading so if im not really reading, im not writing either. its not like i dont have stuff to write about because trust, i do. right now im feeling a mixture of anger, stress, frustration, and loneliness. i must, for my own sanity, get focused and make my situation better. i havent been this unhappy since before i left for college. im not happy with my workplace. the job itself is cool, the workplace is not. ctfu.....on a side note. im at work and im listening to pandora.com. if you havent tried it, its fantastic. my station just started playing "wu-tang clan aint nothin to fuck with". lmao. i thought that shit was so hard when it first came out. its making me crack up thinking about the asian people at the racial draft on dave chappelle. ummm, where was i? oh, my so called life. it could be a lot worse but hell, it could be a lot better. i feel like ive wasted the last three years of my life. i havent been as productive as i should have been or could have been. i should have had my drivers license. im determined to get it before kris comes here. i need to save but really cant afford it because of all the damn bills i have. my life seems to be going so fast but fulfillment is coming so slow. i want to do something have i enjoy and get paid for it. i think everyone does, actually. i would love to write or take photos all day.....perfect my art.....have time to read books and study my art. this square life is so not me, so boring, so bland. like eating bologna sandwiches everyday for 3 years. its a constant battle between the rational, "i know i got bills to pay, i have to have insurance, i have to have a 401k, i have to be a responsible adult" and the rebel...."i have to live out and pursue my dreams". i refuse to stop dreaming. if i stop dreaming, i might as well die. art is what keeps me sane....its what moves me...soothes me....eases the stress of long days....makes me smile even when the world seems to be shittin on me...art is my life. next....ive been in a relationship with kris for a little over 4 months. it started out rough....really rough. i spent 3 years off and on with the same person so when we got into a relationship, she was foreign to me. kinda like dropping me in the middle of mars. we are finally getting used to each other. easy conversation has taken the place of heated discussions that led to attitudes and hurt feelings. we still have a lot of learning to do but like everything that is great, it takes time and patience. ok, thats my update for a minute. gotta get my shit together. in a minute. peace and love....prolific out.

pssst....sometimes when i wake up, i ask myself....is this really my life or am i just having a bad dream? i know its been a while but i really havent felt like writing or doing much of anything for that matter. ive gone back in my shell again. maybe writing would help my situation. might try it. might not. right now im up after working for 10 hours and arguing for 3. sleep wont touch me right now. hasnt touched me in 2 weeks without the assistance of tylenol pm's. anyway, ill be back. mi soon come. in a minute....maybe an hour....peace and patience....prolific out.

ragin......i just ate a cherry and my tongue and ears are itching. ok...let me add cherries to the list of things im allergic to. smh. i cant eat apples for the same reason. i know that was random as hell but shat, this is my blog and ill write what i want. next...ive been off from work since last thursday....a forced vacation because the cold from hell attacked me. now that i can finally breathe out of my nose somewhat, ill be back to work on friday. i guess my immune system not fighting off this cold was a message from my body that said "ho sit down". lmao. i needed a break...i needed time to just think and be easy. i still have 3 days of holiday time coming up that i have to take before the end of june so ill have another vacation coming up soon. with all the bullshit that has been going on at work, i deserve it. i wish i had the money to fly to cali for a week. that would be outstanding. since times are hard, all i can do is dream. its a damn shame that a gallon of milk and a gallon of gas costs the same. you gotta decide if you want to eat cereal or drive to work in the morning. i plan on saving a lot more money than i have in the past. my bills are kicking my ass but if i can save by buying margarita mix and a big bottle of cuervo instead of going out to fridays every week, im going to do it. i dont know what im saving for....all i know is i have been living a life of excess and im trying tone it down a lil. i have a friend that is inspiring me sooo much but she probably doesnt even realize it. she was in a deeeeeep funk about 6 months ago. a real deep depression. then, one day she just came out of it. almost like she was in a cocoon for about a year in then she became a butterfly. every day, im trying to live my life. people get so caught up with bullshit that they forget to LIVE. life is so fuckin precious and hell, the next second is not promised. its a constant struggle to LIVE and not just exist. next....i have a sense of humor. a big one, actually. its a little weird...everyone i allow in my space understands it but mostly everybody else doesnt. sometimes i get a lil sensitive. i have certain things i dont joke about......my intelligence, my body, my accent, my family, and my money. everything else is fair game. i think i forgot to let someone know that once i let you in.....once i have allowed u into my space.....your opinion matters to me. a random person walking down the street can call me a fat bitch and i just cuss them out and keep it moving...totally out of my feelings. if a person that i have allowed in my space says anything about my weight...whether its meant to be negative or not...im in my feelings. i might not spazz, but ill definitely say something about it...and it might not be nice. i live in the south, so i have a slight southern accent. ok, i have a thick southern accent if im not really focused on how i pronounce my words. i hate it when people mimic it or think the shit is funny. mainly because people from the south that talk like me are considered uneducated, ignorant, gullible, bamas. just based on the way they talk. i dont speak perfect american english. never have and probably never will. im more intelligent than almost every person i know that doesnt have a southern accent. i defy the "southern people are stupid and gullible" theory every day. whaaaaaaaaaaat. im a big girl....40 pounds past thick. i hear enough shit about my weight everytime i go to a damn doctor or every time i get sick. its always "well, u should lose some weight". kiss my fat ass, how bout that? every day there is someone or something telling me that i am unhealthy and unattractive. maintaining the self esteem i have and accepting my body how it is...is an every day struggle for me. im 5'5" but i wear an 11 in women's shoes and have long fingers. i think i was supposed to be tall but it just didnt happen that way. for the longest time i felt so fuckin awkward about my appearance. felt like i was unattractive and weird looking because i didnt look like other chics. like i said, its an everyday struggle. my family just goes without saying. they may be dysfunctional and crazy but the bottom line is, they are mine. we share the same blood and they are me and i am them. i may be a lil different but hell, when it comes down to it, ill spazz just like them. i can talk about them but i dare someone to say anything negative about them. they are my family so i can talk about them. that being said, choose your words wisely. once you've said something, you cant take it back. next....i picked up my anais nin "henry and june" book from the library this evening. i cant wait to start reading it. im going to try to finish it in a week. we'll see how that goes. aight, i think ive written enough. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

frus-tra-tion.....frustration is a helluva emotion. frustrations about work make me want to use alllllll of my paid leave...go some where new, see new things, meet new people. be new. sexual frustration has me entirely too familiar with my right hand. yesterday, i looked at my yoni for the first time in a long time. usually, i just wash it or stroke it. i never take the time to look at it....really examine it. weird, i know. most women dont know their bodies like that. ive decided to make it a point to know mine. anyway, my yoni didnt look the same for some reason. i guess my opinion of it has changed since the last time i saw it. its been abused...its had unwelcomed entrances...and besides the whole polycystic thing, its healthy. sometimes i sit and wonder if ill ever be completely sexually satisfied. in all honesty, ive never been completely sexually satisfied. ive had orgasms that brought me to tears and have had sexual experiences that would make the average woman blush but i have never been completely satisfied. im 27 years old....basically in my sexual prime. i want to try new things....ive been reading up on s&m heavy. i want to explore my sexuality and experience things ive only read about. ive havent been intimate with anyone since november of 2007. i think im wayyyyy overdue for some sexual gratification. my woman needs to hurry up and come out here. speaking of my woman, she is frustrated too. when i look at her on cam sometimes, she looks like she wishes she could jump through the cam and kiss me. talking on the phone while we are on cam is the closest thing we have ever had to a face to face conversation. this long distance thing gets frustrating at times. i wish she was here right now because i have a cold from hell and i know she would take care of me. buuuut....she is 2000 miles away. next....*sigh* my desktop pc is fucked up. the screen on the monitor looks like it has waves in it. sucks monkey's ass. anyway, a dude on the forum i frequent told me to buy a new video card and install it. praise moses for stimulus checks. came in just the nick of time. i plan to pay some bills with the rest of it. i was off this weekend and pretty much didnt do anything interesting. well, i bought a wig. lmao. yes, a wig. you could say me buying a wig is symbolic in a way. im bored with my hair but i dont want to perm it. a wig is a change thats not permanent...but just enough change to satisfy me for a couple of days. im going through this self image thing again. sometimes i think im the hottest chic in the world and sometimes i feel like crud. in all honesty, i think its the whole hormone imbalance caused by the syndrome shit. i think its time i start taking my birth control again. maybe that would help it but damn i hate taking it because its not like i need it for contraceptive reasons....its because i wont come on my period without it. it makes my boobs feel like somebody river danced on them. going down stairs is nooo joke. it doesnt help that i have to pay $30 every month for them. smh. thats enough for now. in a minute.....maybe 2....peace and love...prolific out.

freewriting....voices low, moonlit easy conversations, filled with giggles and confessions of emotions unexperienced prior to her introduction. butterflies dance and tickle my stomach when she confesses her love for me. for me....not what i look like, what i have, what i know, or how much of a freak i am....just...for...me being me. i share memories of loves burned, tear stains, and bruises of the heart when i feel like showing her a piece of my soul. i can tell she has seen the stories i tell every time she looks into my eyes. the brown resembling the earth, that like my heart, has been flooded by disappointment and broken promises. she knits her brow, meets my gaze with strong, focused, eyes and smiles as if she holds the cure to my heart disease. i came to her broken like the levies in new orleans. mentally starved. emotionally depleted. stagnant feelings engulfed me. then came spring...she brought forth new growth and melted the ice the winter had left around my heart. what had taken months or years in the past to form has taken only seven days. touched me 2000 miles away like the sun and awakened the seeds of love and and renewed trust. she loves me with no hesitation or reservations...determination....determined to love me successfully...totally...the way no one has in the past. she loves me like there is no tomorrow because our future is right now. she says when she looks at me, its like watching her first sunrise. she looks at my imperfections as if they were perfect...i say, her love feels like my very first orgasm....slow to come...scary...but unlike anything i have ever felt. scary because despite how she is proving over and over that she is not them....5 heartbreaks have left some scars. slowly...surely...she is healing each one. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

believe.....im finally off from work. i have to work for the next 3 days and then im off again. im starting to value the time i spend off from work. ive been trying to do more with my time than just chill around the house. ive been getting back into french, thanks to spanish fly. (more about her in a minute). we started talking because i told her that i would help her learn french. i took french for a total of 5 years but i cant speak it fluently. im working on that now. ive also been reading more. i believe reading makes me a better writer. when i dont read, i dont write well. ive been like a damn readaholic. lmao. reading everything i can get my hands on. anyway, im studying photography a whole lot more. summer is coming up and i want to take maaaaaad photos. i want to start my portfolio. might start scrap booking like my brother's wife.
ok.....spanish fly. miss guatemala. what started on a humble ended up something quite bigger. started out teaching her french...to speaking in french on the phone...to conversations about what was going on in my life at the time...to her voice being my alarm clock. sometimes i wonder if she is thinking about me like im thinking about her and then.....she calls. it happened so fast....almost like when we met, we were what each other needed at the time. i was the person she needed to talk to and vice versa. what i dig most about her is the fact that like me, she thinks a lot. she has a beautiful mind. we're both trying to make sense out of life....trying to figure out where to go and what needs to be done to get there. its not even on some ol lust type shit either. instead of talkin about how big her strap is or how she is gonna bang my back out....we debate about politics, things that are going on in the world, and trivial shit like why not to drink cow's milk. she is conscious...definitely not a sheep. she digs my mind....wants to know what's behind these sad eyes of mine. she sings raheem devaughn to me....."with affection like a dreamer, with patience and understanding, like a teacher with a student, vice versa promise not to hurt you, not to leave, not to lie, not to cheat, not to fuss, not to stress, like the rest in your past. believe me I ain't like most men. I ain't like them others you then dealt with in the past, just have some faith, that is all I ask, believe in me." as i said before, im not rushing into anything. im still single. ive been in too many fucked up relationships to rush into something before im sure that im ready to open myself up again. opening myself up is the hard part. am i ready for a rebirth of love? yeah. opening myself up and exposing my dreams, my desires, my heart....thats the hard part. ive never been in a smooth relationship....the type of relationship that has a couple of bumps in the road but mostly smooth. ive never been in a relationship that didnt have a huge conflict of some sort. it was always something. *sigh* im ready for healthy love. im ready for a love that makes me smile more than i cry. im determined not to bring past bullshit into a new situation. i am going to make sure that i come grown, fresh, and new. its funny how every day that passes....im starting to believe a lil more. in a minute....peace and faith....prolific out.

pleasure.....ive met someone. im practicing not expecting anything. it is what it is...im enjoying right now. she makes me laugh...which is something that is needed right now. she can buy me a drink but hasnt been on this earth as long as me....not that it matters. she has sun kissed skin, dark deep set eyes, and kissable lips that keep a spanish speaking tongue at bay. whats behind all that remains to be seen. ive entered into this situation with an open mind and a closed heart. it takes more than love to move me. love hasnt been enough in too many situations in my life for me to really value it by itself. it has to be accompanied by honesty and respect before i will consider welcoming it again. the city girl with the bright eyes left a bad bruise on this heart of mine. im starting to think about sex a lot more. for a while, i would go days without even thinking about kissing someone. there has been so much time wasted on dealing with negative sexual experiences that the ones ive actually enjoyed were few and far between. im looking forward to the day i finally feel deeply about someone to share my body with them. until then, im celibate.
i applied for the supervisor position that came available at my job. not to sound pessimistic, but i probably wont get it. too much bullshit surrounding it. hell, the position might not exist in 6 months. its hard times out here....the economy is suckin ass. budget cuts galore. people having to choose between filling up their gas tanks and eating the next day. damn shame. im looking forward to my stimulus check. maybe i can pay some of these credit cards off. i still need to spring shop since i cant wear anything that shows my tattoos at work. no sleeveless shirts for me. speaking of tattoos, i want another one. im aiming to get one around june. i want a big one this time. i would love to get a phoenix to cover up the cat on my back. i havent seen any pictures of phoenixes that i actually like tho. might have to get somebody to draw me one. thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and pleasure....prolific out.

2 miles...tonight i got on the elliptical machine and pushed my legs until i felt like they were going to detach from my body. i fought the urge to stop....pushed through the pain. 2 miles later, i came to this realization. i have slowly turned into what i despise. i feel like im drowning in roanoke and its an everyday struggle to keep my head above it. i have no idea where to begin to get back to me but trust and believe, i am. in a minute...peace and love...prolific out.

sabbatical.....damn. in front of my computer at 4 am knowing that i have to go to work. at least i dont have to be there until 3. i just got off the phone with the ex and im a little angry. nah, scratch that. im fuckin HOT. i dont know what it is about her that makes me want to reach out and lay hands on her and im not talkin about tender touches either. im talkin bout kimbo slice punches to the throat. we have gotten into a disagreement about something almost every time we have talked since i broke up with her. im so angry right now i have tears in my eyes. i guess the reality of the past 2 years have finally slapped the shit outta me. i was a damn fool for following my heart instead of listening to what my mind kept screamin. 2 years later, 3902902390 tears later, 2 trips later, 28294494 phone calls later, im in no better position (relationship wise) than i was when i met her. hate is such a strong word so i wont say that i hate her. she just isnt one of my favorite people right now. i hope all the bad things in the world happen to her and only her so she could feel a fraction of the humiliation, disappointment, and pain that i feel. karma is an evil bitch. sometimes i wonder what the hell i did to deserve this shit. whatever it was, im entitled to some reparations because karma tapped my ass too many times. its like that bitch is stuck on me. she needs to move the fuck on to the ex. hurr up too. shat. i need to get outta my feelings and attempt to go to sleep. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

lesson learned.....im wide awake when im tired as hell but for some reason i cant sleep. i got up and got online and read my horoscope for today. it said "It's time to make love work now that Venus is moving through your sign. Fortunately, happiness is possible as long as you don't expect a miracle. This is not a time for frivolous or childish romance. Instead, focus your attention on the practical side of relationships. It's better to sustain your feelings than to have them overwhelm you and quickly pass. hmmmm, i say. i dont know how to feel about my breakup. its been a week so its still fresh. so many different feelings at one time. the biggest one is relief. im hurt but im aight. nah, im more than aight...im great. its weird. ive never felt like this before in my life. You cut me deep bitch, cut me like surgery. And I was too proud to admit that it was hurtin' me. I'd never do that to you, at least purposely. We breakin' up again, we makin' up again.... ive never been hurt like this before in my life. it is like getting stabbed and having the knife twisted over and over but then finally getting the strength to pull the knife out and tend to the wound. ive cleaned up the wound but its far from being healed. i get lonely, especially at night. i cry, sometimes until i fall asleep. sometimes its just a tear here and there. i try to keep myself busy so that i dont have time to think about it. most of the time, it doesnt work. i have cleaned my room throughly, organized my drawers, files on my computer, and my closet tho. think ive done all of those things at least 3 times now. valentines day is coming up and it sucks being single for 3 valentines days in a row. thats life tho. you never know what tomorrow will bring or even if you will be here to see it. having health issues for the past month has opened my eyes. i just gotta keep it movin and LIVE each day...love more, laugh more, learn more. i still believe in love. like i always say, just because you have a nightmare doesnt mean you stop dreamin. i will still love with every cell in my body. i will still love passionately, like its the first time. i will still i still believe that my neo is out there. maybe she just isnt ready for me or maybe im not ready for her. at this point, im just lettin things be. ....I love you and hate you at the very same time. See what I want so much should never hurt this bad. Never did this before, that's what the virgin says. We've been generally warned, that's what the surgeon says. God talk to me now, this is an emergency......in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

trainspotting part deux.....the night before last, my side felt like somebody was stabbing me. its happened before. doctor didnt know why it happened, just gave me some pain medicine and an antibiotic and sent me on my way. im a strong believer in what ever happens to you, whether its good or bad, happens for a reason. while i was laying in my bed dealing with that damn pain, i just started thinking. ive been bummed out for a while now. started way before the new year. i have been thinking about what i need to do for myself. first of all, i need to give some people that have a seat in front row of my life an eviction notice. not everybody is meant to be in the front row. especially when they arent adding anything positive to my life. i will be 27 on tuesday, most high willing. ive wasted too much time being unhappy. it has been a big lesson that i believe ive learned. things dont make you happy. people dont make you happy. sex doesnt make you happy. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. its taken me so fuggin long to grasp that concept. ive been so fuggin responsible for other people's happiness that i became irresponsible when it came to my own. so, if you arent adding something positive to my life, im officially cutting you off. i choose happiness. in a minute....peace and happiness....prolific out.

destiny's child......i sit here...irritated. 1:00 am is not getting here fast enough. i just want quiet. i can do without a glass of wine or incense burning. i just want quiet. usually, on the third day of working a 10 hour shift, my patience gets thin and im so damn tired i dont want to even open my eyes or speak. i welcome the three days off i have coming up. i have to work on christmas eve and christmas day. its not that bad because i get 2 days to use later on....when everyone else is at work. ill get to open whatever presents i get on christmas day. for some reason, christmas isnt really moving me. ill get to see my niece's reaction to all the gifts she gets. i dont care what everybody else thinks about their gifts. i got everybody something even if it was just a pack of socks and underwear. i feel like christmas has turned into a commercial holiday. spend money money money until u are broke to make someone else happy. what about the most high? you should do deeds in the name of the most high all the time. ill probably sit at work and read in between taking police reports and im not going to take many of those. its christmas! i dont want to be bothered with trivial crap on a normal day....i better not be bothered with it on christmas day. next...today i was on the phone with my grandmother and she brought up the whole situation that happened to me when i was little. i know she didnt mean any harm. she doesnt even know how i feel about the situation because i dont talk about. i never have. i try not to think about it. no one knows who hurt me and i doubt anyone ever will. all i know is, it still bothers me. it explains a lot of my behavior as a child. i was thinking something was wrong with me because i was having sexual feelings at such a young age but hell, sex was something that was forced on me when most children are learning their abc's and watching sesame street. i try not to think about the fact that some man some where in this world thought it was ok to do things to a child that he could do with an adult. i try not to think about the fact my family hid all this from me until i was in middle school. they didnt know what i was feeling. hell, no one took the time to ask. i guess they thought i had blocked out everything from my memory. psychiatrists can only do so much. i blocked out most of it but its still some where in my brain. ask l.w.n. and she will tell you about the tears that are shed. i try not to think about that incident is the first of many negative sexual experiences ive had. maybe if it hadnt happened, id be a different person. maybe i wouldnt have gone through half of the shit that ive been through. ive never been pregnant, never had a disease, but ive been ripped open, bruised, and ignored when i said stop. i try not to think about the fact that every male that was around me got tested voluntarily but my father refused. every day i try not to think about it but this afternoon, my grandmother decided to bring it up. my mother doesnt talk about it. ive never really talked to my father about it. probably never will. we havent spoken in months. i lost his phone number when my old phone broke. he has my number but hasnt called. thats not unusual. maybe he will call on christmas. i doubt it tho. this is an everyday struggle....keeping my eyes from leaking, my mental clear, my actions positive, my irritability at a minimum, my patience high, my intentions good, and that shit off of my brain. as cliche as it sounds, ima survivor. im strong even when im weak. in a minute.....peace and love...prolific out.

making...what?....i absolutely despise the term "making love". i think its one of the most stupid ways to describe sex. just think about it....making....love. you cant make love. if you could, you'd be a rich mofo. the fact is, love is a precious process that keeps growing or sometimes diminishes. you should HAVE love BEFORE you have sex. how the hell is sex going to produce love? thats like trying to turn shit into sugar. smh. sex is sex and love is love. once you decide that you love someone enough to share your body with them, thats beautiful. the fact is, even tho they are nice together, they are not required to be present at the same time. you can have sex with someone and not love them or you can love someone and not have sex with them. you just cant make love. are you hoping that by being intimate with someone, after you've sweat ya perm out and your partner is laying there snoring....yall are miraculously in love? whatever. i dont know what im going to call it from now on. i dont just have sex. hell, there arent too many species on earth that dont have sex. id like to think that as humans, most of us are evolved more than that. i dont fuck. i dont do the grown up. i dont screw. i dont know what to call what it is that me and l.w.n. do....all i know is, we dont make love because love was there before we became intimate. what we do is beautiful and ugly, pleasurable and painful, intense and gentle....all at the same time. *sigh* in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

never again....it...is...5:00 in the morning and im wide awake with tears in my eyes. i guess everything hit me at one time. i woke up and laid in my bed for a minute...just thinking. then, my eyes started filling with tears. the fuckin truth is so hard to face. i have realized, i have wanted to be loved by someone so damn much i have accepted less than what the fuck i deserve...subpar treatment for the sake of being with someone that im really not even officially with. acting like im married when i cant even get a fuckin commitment. let me take that back...a commitment is pending. what kinda stupid shit is that? the fact is, i have wanted to be loved so fuckin bad that i have allowed myself to be subjugated and disrespected. what ive received isnt even really fuckin love. if someone loves you, they dont hurt you. they dont make you cry more than they make you smile. thought id learned that lesson, guess not if i allowed this shit to happen. im tired. i gotta do better. if i keep doing what im doing, im going to keep getting what im getting which is more tears than laughter, more loneliness than companionship, more bullshit than love. fuck that. i deserve better. i deserve more. i promise, this shit wont happen again. never again. people say, never say never. fuck that. NEVER AGAIN. ive gone through again, another again, and now im sayin, never again. there is a fine line between love and hate....and im on it.

everything i am....damn, its been almost 5 years that i have been writing here. i was blogging before the shit was considered cool. i started this journal because i love to write, point blank. i didnt give a damn if anybody read it. at first, a lot of people read it. now, im not so sure because i dont update like i used to and i dont know if my blog rings and all that crap still work. reading my old posts makes me laugh a lil bit. im glad i wrote because when i went back and read some of the old posts, it brought back memories. anybody that knows me knows that my memory is shot. i definitely need to write more than what i have been doing. its like, i come home from work, bullshit, and go to sleep. wake up the next day and go to work. its crazy. i will make it a point to write more, not only for my sanity, but for the memories i need to record. next...friskins had cheyanne aka beans on 9/05/07 at 5:26 pm. she weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces. she came into this world with a bunch of drama. i wont get into all that tho. seeing her made me feel happy because she is finally here but it also reminded me of the problems that i am going to have getting pregnant. i have officially been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome which means that my ovaries are stingy. instead of them releasing a ripe egg every month, they keep the eggs and the eggs turn into cysts in my ovaries. so, i dont ovulate and i cant get pregnant. in order for me to get pregnant, i have to take some kind of medication to make me ovulate. right now, my doctor put me on birth control to make me have a period every month. hell, i know its not for birth control. last time i checked, spit didnt make babies and even if it did, its been a year since i had sex anyway. it pisses me off that chics that fuck anything that has a dick, chics that aint bout shit, chics that have the maturity level of a preschooler, can get pregnant as easily as the wind blows and i have to go through all this stupid shit because my body doesnt want to cooperate. im fuckin hurt, angry, and frustrated at the same time. i understand that this syndrome shit doesnt necessarily mean that i will never have a child. it just means that it will be much harder for me to conceive. i know that i have to be strong cuz like kanye said what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger. its just hard sometimes. ive been reading about this syndrome shit (thats what i officially call it) and it has explained to me why a lot of things have happened. me being depressed and not knowing why i would be aight one minute and crying the next minute...the syndrome shit. the fact that my gut is the biggest thing on my body...the syndrome shit. my absent period....the syndrome shit. the hair that is now growin all over my body....the syndrome shit. high blood pressure....yep, the syndrome shit. i wish there was some way that i could make myself all better. i just need to get past this. i have a plan and most high willing, it will work. i will have a child before before the end of 2008. i have someone (pending an HIV test) that will father my child. all i have to do is get checked, get the medication, do the do, and pray to the most high that i conceive. with faith and the same amount of effort, ill not only be in better health, ill be a mother too. damn, writing this, has made me feel so much better. writing is my therapy. 5 long years and by the grace of the most high, im still here. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

the boro of greens.....i just got back from greensboro, nc. me and shane decided to get the hell away from this boring ass city. i ate at chilis and omg.....they have $3 margaritas!!!!!!! why didnt they have those when i was in college? i wish borenoke had a damn chilis. we have boring ass panera bread and carrabas. smh. anyway, we couldnt find the club so we came home. i had fun just being away tho. maybe next time we'll be able to find the club and i can shake my arse or lack thereof. im going out to our lame club tomorrow. if im lucky, they will play some hip hop. *sigh* im trying to be more social because ive been under so much stress. being solitary isnt all that great when you are depressed. all i do when i come home from work is listen to music and think about all the bullshit in my life. i hate my job with a passion. i know i have been saying it for the past year but yo, im really fuggin fed up. i need something else. something that i can make some money and actually use my damn brain instead of doing the same things over and over again. i want a job that actually respects my brain and the fact that i use it. my job is soooo not me. enough about that....im blowin my "i drank 2 margaritas and been outta town" high. next...my love life is still nonexistant. i havent met anyone that moves me. makes me get butterflies. makes me actually want to talk to her every day. i have so much love to give. my neo better hurry up and find me. aight, i need to take my ass to bed before i fall asleep on my keyboard. in a minute. peace and greens.....prolific out.

nyame dua.....for the first time in a long time, i looked at myself and saw beauty and strength. ive been through so much in my life and will probably go through a lot more because hey, thats life. but guess what? im still here. head high. today i went shopping and for the first time, i didnt feel shitty because i couldnt find something that felt good. its always something that doesnt fit right or looks like somebody's great grandma lullabelle would wear. i spent a grip for what i wanted but i look damn good in it. i dyed my hair red again. brown or black hair isnt me. never has been. i dont give a fuck if its not "corporate" looking. its all me. i got the tattoo ive been talking about for 2 years. its an adinkra symbol called nyame dua which is a symbol of the most high's presence and protection. i got it on the lower part of my neck...right on my spine. it hurt a lil bit but while it was being done it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. all the bullshit ive been stressed about doesnt matter. im overweight. so what? i have a buncha damn bills. so what? i cant drive. so what? im single. so what? my self esteem isnt as high as it should be. so the fuck what? im here. im still learning to live in the present and enjoy it. my time on this earth is limited. its going to be cut short even more if i continue to worry about shit that doesnt matter. what other people think of me, doesnt matter. what they eat doesnt make me shit. from now on, its about my happiness, achieving my goals, doing better that i did before, and living my life like its....irreplaceable. fuck that other bullshit. as long as the most high has my back, i can do anything. this is just the beginning. in a minute....peace and gettin back to U....prolific out.

get me bodied....i just came in from the best night at the club ive had in a longgggg time. i danced in 5 inch heels like i would dance barefoot. i bounced my booty or lack thereof on shay and shane. shane was looking fly dressed in skulls. shay was lookin extra preppy in her button down. i danced until my legs and feet burned. fuck tae bo. dance in heels in the club. anyway, me, nishers, shane, and shay acted a damn fool. upper echelon...bitches. now, im back at home with a ton of shit on my mind. well, not a ton and not shit literally, but you get the point. anyway, ive realized that as much as i say im ready to be in a relationship, i know that im not. i know that i would still hold on to myself with both hands even if i was in a relationship. a relationship cant work like that. if im not opening my heart, whats the point? im not ready to open myself up like that. its going to take a lot and i do mean a helluva lot to break down this wall that i have constructed around my heart. i mean hell, my heart can get stomped on for only so many times before it begins to protect itself. thats where i am right now. if my neo comes, she will have to know how to break down that wall. if she cant, she isnt the one. *sigh* next...my work schedule changes on tuesday. ill be working from 3-1am. it sucks to be me. ive been looking for another job with no luck. there isnt a damn thing out there. im not going to stop looking tho. i know i can do better. aight, time to lay it down. in a minute.....peace and 5 inch heels....prolific out.

public enemy....i know its been a long time. really, i have no excuse. i just havent felt like writing. i havent felt like putting myself out there like i used to. maybe my reluctance to blog has hurt me because since i stopped writing on the regular, ive gone through a lot of stress. so, im back. maybe writing is really what keeps me sane. i havent been doing much besides working. speaking of my job, before yesterday, i had grown to enjoy it a lil bit. i pretended to enjoy myself and not take it so damn seriously. well, yesterday, my brother and his girlfriend got arrested. the way they were treated, unjustly is putting it mildly, has tainted my views of my workplace. i deal with people complaining about being treated unfairly by the police and before yesterday, i was unbiased. now, i believe they treat people unfairly and take advantage of poor people that dont know the law. the police officers that greet me and talk to me every damn day treated me and my family like we were less than human. for the past week, ive heard about young black people being handcuffed and laid out in the middle of streets for routine traffic stops. well, routine by their standards. i say they are targeted because of their race and the neighborhoods they were driving in. its a shame. morally, i cant represent a place that i believe treats people, not just my own people, but anyone, unfairly. now, i know that not everyone was innocent but i can guarantee that the stops, the searches, etc were not all legal. i have to find another job asap. im not an uncle tom or a coon...sure it pays my bills but it also taxes my morality. next...im still single. it doesnt surprise me. i am very selective...even more than i was before my last relationship. i havent met anyone who has moved me yet. my neo will come when the most high sees fit. until then, im enjoying the single life. it gets lonely sometimes. especially at night when i want to cuddle and go to sleep. oh well, my neo soon come. next...i think im losing weight. my appetite has decreased. maybe its because of the warm weather. in the summer, i dont eat half as much as i do in the winter. its too damn hot to be eating heavy. ive been cooking a lot more than i have in my entire life. i enjoy cooking. i blame the food network for sparking my interest..lol. bobby flay is my hero. ok, i gotta clean up so i can chill the rest of the day. in a minute, i promise....peace and morality....prolific out.

cinderella....ive started writing at least 10 times in the past month, only to get writer's block. well, i cant blame it all on writer's block. writing makes me come face to face with my problems. u cant ignore them if u are writing about them. so, what has brought me in front of my computer today? a mixture of frustration and stress. im at my wits end. i have a job that i hate...that if i could quit right now, i would with no hesitation. i have a life that has become so damn routine and boring that i hardly recognize myself. i keep saying this cant be it. this cant be my life. my love life is nonexistant. most women tend to bore me now. its funny how when im ready to be open..ready to commit...ready to give and receive love...its no where to be found. maybe im not really ready or maybe its not ready for me. i dont know. i spoke with my father today and as usual, i got off the phone in tears. as much as i say his words and his absence doesnt hurt me, it does. he is a fuckin asshole and i see where i get it from. damn, thats the first time i smiled today. i want so much more from my life but it seems like the more i push for more, the less i get. i guess thats life tho. aint no fairytales 'round this bitch...even tho i pray for happily ever after. its been almost 2 years since i graduated from college and im basically in the same position i was in then. i have a lil more money, health insurance that sucks monkey's ass cuz doctors aint really doing shit but tellin me shit i already know (yeah, that was a rant), and more work experience (im not gonna even start on that). other than all that what the hell have i done? been in a fucked up relationship, developed high blood pressure, developed a serious shopping habit, and thats about it. this cant be my life. in a minute...prolific out.