ragin......i just ate a cherry and my tongue and ears are itching. ok...let me add cherries to the list of things im allergic to. smh. i cant eat apples for the same reason. i know that was random as hell but shat, this is my blog and ill write what i want. next...ive been off from work since last thursday....a forced vacation because the cold from hell attacked me. now that i can finally breathe out of my nose somewhat, ill be back to work on friday. i guess my immune system not fighting off this cold was a message from my body that said "ho sit down". lmao. i needed a break...i needed time to just think and be easy. i still have 3 days of holiday time coming up that i have to take before the end of june so ill have another vacation coming up soon. with all the bullshit that has been going on at work, i deserve it. i wish i had the money to fly to cali for a week. that would be outstanding. since times are hard, all i can do is dream. its a damn shame that a gallon of milk and a gallon of gas costs the same. you gotta decide if you want to eat cereal or drive to work in the morning. i plan on saving a lot more money than i have in the past. my bills are kicking my ass but if i can save by buying margarita mix and a big bottle of cuervo instead of going out to fridays every week, im going to do it. i dont know what im saving for....all i know is i have been living a life of excess and im trying tone it down a lil. i have a friend that is inspiring me sooo much but she probably doesnt even realize it. she was in a deeeeeep funk about 6 months ago. a real deep depression. then, one day she just came out of it. almost like she was in a cocoon for about a year in then she became a butterfly. every day, im trying to live my life. people get so caught up with bullshit that they forget to LIVE. life is so fuckin precious and hell, the next second is not promised. its a constant struggle to LIVE and not just exist. next....i have a sense of humor. a big one, actually. its a little weird...everyone i allow in my space understands it but mostly everybody else doesnt. sometimes i get a lil sensitive. i have certain things i dont joke about......my intelligence, my body, my accent, my family, and my money. everything else is fair game. i think i forgot to let someone know that once i let you in.....once i have allowed u into my space.....your opinion matters to me. a random person walking down the street can call me a fat bitch and i just cuss them out and keep it moving...totally out of my feelings. if a person that i have allowed in my space says anything about my weight...whether its meant to be negative or not...im in my feelings. i might not spazz, but ill definitely say something about it...and it might not be nice. i live in the south, so i have a slight southern accent. ok, i have a thick southern accent if im not really focused on how i pronounce my words. i hate it when people mimic it or think the shit is funny. mainly because people from the south that talk like me are considered uneducated, ignorant, gullible, bamas. just based on the way they talk. i dont speak perfect american english. never have and probably never will. im more intelligent than almost every person i know that doesnt have a southern accent. i defy the "southern people are stupid and gullible" theory every day. whaaaaaaaaaaat. im a big girl....40 pounds past thick. i hear enough shit about my weight everytime i go to a damn doctor or every time i get sick. its always "well, u should lose some weight". kiss my fat ass, how bout that? every day there is someone or something telling me that i am unhealthy and unattractive. maintaining the self esteem i have and accepting my body how it is...is an every day struggle for me. im 5'5" but i wear an 11 in women's shoes and have long fingers. i think i was supposed to be tall but it just didnt happen that way. for the longest time i felt so fuckin awkward about my appearance. felt like i was unattractive and weird looking because i didnt look like other chics. like i said, its an everyday struggle. my family just goes without saying. they may be dysfunctional and crazy but the bottom line is, they are mine. we share the same blood and they are me and i am them. i may be a lil different but hell, when it comes down to it, ill spazz just like them. i can talk about them but i dare someone to say anything negative about them. they are my family so i can talk about them. that being said, choose your words wisely. once you've said something, you cant take it back. next....i picked up my anais nin "henry and june" book from the library this evening. i cant wait to start reading it. im going to try to finish it in a week. we'll see how that goes. aight, i think ive written enough. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.