everything i am....damn, its been almost 5 years that i have been writing here. i was blogging before the shit was considered cool. i started this journal because i love to write, point blank. i didnt give a damn if anybody read it. at first, a lot of people read it. now, im not so sure because i dont update like i used to and i dont know if my blog rings and all that crap still work. reading my old posts makes me laugh a lil bit. im glad i wrote because when i went back and read some of the old posts, it brought back memories. anybody that knows me knows that my memory is shot. i definitely need to write more than what i have been doing. its like, i come home from work, bullshit, and go to sleep. wake up the next day and go to work. its crazy. i will make it a point to write more, not only for my sanity, but for the memories i need to record. next...friskins had cheyanne aka beans on 9/05/07 at 5:26 pm. she weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces. she came into this world with a bunch of drama. i wont get into all that tho. seeing her made me feel happy because she is finally here but it also reminded me of the problems that i am going to have getting pregnant. i have officially been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome which means that my ovaries are stingy. instead of them releasing a ripe egg every month, they keep the eggs and the eggs turn into cysts in my ovaries. so, i dont ovulate and i cant get pregnant. in order for me to get pregnant, i have to take some kind of medication to make me ovulate. right now, my doctor put me on birth control to make me have a period every month. hell, i know its not for birth control. last time i checked, spit didnt make babies and even if it did, its been a year since i had sex anyway. it pisses me off that chics that fuck anything that has a dick, chics that aint bout shit, chics that have the maturity level of a preschooler, can get pregnant as easily as the wind blows and i have to go through all this stupid shit because my body doesnt want to cooperate. im fuckin hurt, angry, and frustrated at the same time. i understand that this syndrome shit doesnt necessarily mean that i will never have a child. it just means that it will be much harder for me to conceive. i know that i have to be strong cuz like kanye said what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger. its just hard sometimes. ive been reading about this syndrome shit (thats what i officially call it) and it has explained to me why a lot of things have happened. me being depressed and not knowing why i would be aight one minute and crying the next minute...the syndrome shit. the fact that my gut is the biggest thing on my body...the syndrome shit. my absent period....the syndrome shit. the hair that is now growin all over my body....the syndrome shit. high blood pressure....yep, the syndrome shit. i wish there was some way that i could make myself all better. i just need to get past this. i have a plan and most high willing, it will work. i will have a child before before the end of 2008. i have someone (pending an HIV test) that will father my child. all i have to do is get checked, get the medication, do the do, and pray to the most high that i conceive. with faith and the same amount of effort, ill not only be in better health, ill be a mother too. damn, writing this, has made me feel so much better. writing is my therapy. 5 long years and by the grace of the most high, im still here. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

the boro of greens.....i just got back from greensboro, nc. me and shane decided to get the hell away from this boring ass city. i ate at chilis and omg.....they have $3 margaritas!!!!!!! why didnt they have those when i was in college? i wish borenoke had a damn chilis. we have boring ass panera bread and carrabas. smh. anyway, we couldnt find the club so we came home. i had fun just being away tho. maybe next time we'll be able to find the club and i can shake my arse or lack thereof. im going out to our lame club tomorrow. if im lucky, they will play some hip hop. *sigh* im trying to be more social because ive been under so much stress. being solitary isnt all that great when you are depressed. all i do when i come home from work is listen to music and think about all the bullshit in my life. i hate my job with a passion. i know i have been saying it for the past year but yo, im really fuggin fed up. i need something else. something that i can make some money and actually use my damn brain instead of doing the same things over and over again. i want a job that actually respects my brain and the fact that i use it. my job is soooo not me. enough about that....im blowin my "i drank 2 margaritas and been outta town" high. next...my love life is still nonexistant. i havent met anyone that moves me. makes me get butterflies. makes me actually want to talk to her every day. i have so much love to give. my neo better hurry up and find me. aight, i need to take my ass to bed before i fall asleep on my keyboard. in a minute. peace and greens.....prolific out.

nyame dua.....for the first time in a long time, i looked at myself and saw beauty and strength. ive been through so much in my life and will probably go through a lot more because hey, thats life. but guess what? im still here. head high. today i went shopping and for the first time, i didnt feel shitty because i couldnt find something that felt good. its always something that doesnt fit right or looks like somebody's great grandma lullabelle would wear. i spent a grip for what i wanted but i look damn good in it. i dyed my hair red again. brown or black hair isnt me. never has been. i dont give a fuck if its not "corporate" looking. its all me. i got the tattoo ive been talking about for 2 years. its an adinkra symbol called nyame dua which is a symbol of the most high's presence and protection. i got it on the lower part of my neck...right on my spine. it hurt a lil bit but while it was being done it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. all the bullshit ive been stressed about doesnt matter. im overweight. so what? i have a buncha damn bills. so what? i cant drive. so what? im single. so what? my self esteem isnt as high as it should be. so the fuck what? im here. im still learning to live in the present and enjoy it. my time on this earth is limited. its going to be cut short even more if i continue to worry about shit that doesnt matter. what other people think of me, doesnt matter. what they eat doesnt make me shit. from now on, its about my happiness, achieving my goals, doing better that i did before, and living my life like its....irreplaceable. fuck that other bullshit. as long as the most high has my back, i can do anything. this is just the beginning. in a minute....peace and gettin back to U....prolific out.

get me bodied....i just came in from the best night at the club ive had in a longgggg time. i danced in 5 inch heels like i would dance barefoot. i bounced my booty or lack thereof on shay and shane. shane was looking fly dressed in skulls. shay was lookin extra preppy in her button down. i danced until my legs and feet burned. fuck tae bo. dance in heels in the club. anyway, me, nishers, shane, and shay acted a damn fool. upper echelon...bitches. now, im back at home with a ton of shit on my mind. well, not a ton and not shit literally, but you get the point. anyway, ive realized that as much as i say im ready to be in a relationship, i know that im not. i know that i would still hold on to myself with both hands even if i was in a relationship. a relationship cant work like that. if im not opening my heart, whats the point? im not ready to open myself up like that. its going to take a lot and i do mean a helluva lot to break down this wall that i have constructed around my heart. i mean hell, my heart can get stomped on for only so many times before it begins to protect itself. thats where i am right now. if my neo comes, she will have to know how to break down that wall. if she cant, she isnt the one. *sigh* next...my work schedule changes on tuesday. ill be working from 3-1am. it sucks to be me. ive been looking for another job with no luck. there isnt a damn thing out there. im not going to stop looking tho. i know i can do better. aight, time to lay it down. in a minute.....peace and 5 inch heels....prolific out.

public enemy....i know its been a long time. really, i have no excuse. i just havent felt like writing. i havent felt like putting myself out there like i used to. maybe my reluctance to blog has hurt me because since i stopped writing on the regular, ive gone through a lot of stress. so, im back. maybe writing is really what keeps me sane. i havent been doing much besides working. speaking of my job, before yesterday, i had grown to enjoy it a lil bit. i pretended to enjoy myself and not take it so damn seriously. well, yesterday, my brother and his girlfriend got arrested. the way they were treated, unjustly is putting it mildly, has tainted my views of my workplace. i deal with people complaining about being treated unfairly by the police and before yesterday, i was unbiased. now, i believe they treat people unfairly and take advantage of poor people that dont know the law. the police officers that greet me and talk to me every damn day treated me and my family like we were less than human. for the past week, ive heard about young black people being handcuffed and laid out in the middle of streets for routine traffic stops. well, routine by their standards. i say they are targeted because of their race and the neighborhoods they were driving in. its a shame. morally, i cant represent a place that i believe treats people, not just my own people, but anyone, unfairly. now, i know that not everyone was innocent but i can guarantee that the stops, the searches, etc were not all legal. i have to find another job asap. im not an uncle tom or a coon...sure it pays my bills but it also taxes my morality. next...im still single. it doesnt surprise me. i am very selective...even more than i was before my last relationship. i havent met anyone who has moved me yet. my neo will come when the most high sees fit. until then, im enjoying the single life. it gets lonely sometimes. especially at night when i want to cuddle and go to sleep. oh well, my neo soon come. next...i think im losing weight. my appetite has decreased. maybe its because of the warm weather. in the summer, i dont eat half as much as i do in the winter. its too damn hot to be eating heavy. ive been cooking a lot more than i have in my entire life. i enjoy cooking. i blame the food network for sparking my interest..lol. bobby flay is my hero. ok, i gotta clean up so i can chill the rest of the day. in a minute, i promise....peace and morality....prolific out.

cinderella....ive started writing at least 10 times in the past month, only to get writer's block. well, i cant blame it all on writer's block. writing makes me come face to face with my problems. u cant ignore them if u are writing about them. so, what has brought me in front of my computer today? a mixture of frustration and stress. im at my wits end. i have a job that i hate...that if i could quit right now, i would with no hesitation. i have a life that has become so damn routine and boring that i hardly recognize myself. i keep saying this cant be it. this cant be my life. my love life is nonexistant. most women tend to bore me now. its funny how when im ready to be open..ready to commit...ready to give and receive love...its no where to be found. maybe im not really ready or maybe its not ready for me. i dont know. i spoke with my father today and as usual, i got off the phone in tears. as much as i say his words and his absence doesnt hurt me, it does. he is a fuckin asshole and i see where i get it from. damn, thats the first time i smiled today. i want so much more from my life but it seems like the more i push for more, the less i get. i guess thats life tho. aint no fairytales 'round this bitch...even tho i pray for happily ever after. its been almost 2 years since i graduated from college and im basically in the same position i was in then. i have a lil more money, health insurance that sucks monkey's ass cuz doctors aint really doing shit but tellin me shit i already know (yeah, that was a rant), and more work experience (im not gonna even start on that). other than all that what the hell have i done? been in a fucked up relationship, developed high blood pressure, developed a serious shopping habit, and thats about it. this cant be my life. in a minute...prolific out.

show must go on......1:10...in 20 minutes i have to start getting ready for the job ive grown to detest. well, not the job itself...the people there. ive learned that ive invested so much time in being miserable for 8 hours of my day, 5 days a week. im just gonna let shit ride. hell, it could be worse. i could be unemployed, not about to pay these credit cards after days of shopping for things that i really dont need, but make me feel nice, even for just a moment. ive replaced ooh wees and multiple orgasms with shopping. not a good habit, a very expensive one at that, but just for a moment, it inspires me to smile. ive learned that i may not be the most attractive or the most simple person alive but hell, im alive. overcome more than the average woman my age to be alive and sane, most of the time. i love hard and sometimes, well hell, most of the time, it tends to bite me in the ass. the regrets i had before today dont exist. only right now really matters. thats all i have. i think im ovulating. its possible after bleeding and cramping for 2 weeks straight. not guaranteed, but possible. i pray that my womb that ive abused with lovers who didnt really give nothin but their commitment to my orgasm (if that), black and mild smoke, and spirits every friday for the past 5 months...has forgiven me and decided to bless itself with at least 1 life to come forth in this crazy world ive decided to be a part of. i havent wanted anything so much since i got my degree that is still in an envelope, inside of an envelope, on a shelf. i promise if she blesses herself with life, ill do right. ill love myself more, neglect myself less, eliminate anything that could harm us mentally or physically, for the rest of my life. the rest of my life, most high willing, will be a long time if i live for the moment, not for the future. all that matters is now. last night, in the middle of a gas station parking lot, i released tears and negativity that i had been holding on to for months. i felt like the weight of 6 women was lifted from my mind. thats not to say that ive forgotten, ive just moved on. the show must go on, fortunately. nothing unfortunate about living my life. ive learned hatred and negativity take energy that i could be using for another purpose. loyalty and an unknown named baby boy come to mind. ive got to do better for the dreams i do have. cant make them reality if my reality at the present is all fucked up. i have to do better. much better, than this. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

whodini....happy buy candy, roses, and stuffed animals for pussy that you get all year day. lmao. as long as i have been dating, valentines day hasnt been a big deal. i mean, if they cant show me how much they love me everyday, why should 1 damn day count? valentines day is a commercial holiday that women fall into. i went to work today with a clear head, which has been rare for the past 2 weeks. im always fuggin stressin bout something. today, i just said fuck it. i worked hard but i wasnt really pissed about it like i normally am. i do the work of 3 mofos because people like to call in all the damn time. thats another story tho. anyway, i came home, tired but not stressed. i was supposed to go out with shay to macados for drinks tonight but as im sittin here, my eyes are gettin heavy. she bought me red roses with 1 white one in the middle, a card, a BIG ass stuffed toad, balloons, and candy. thats my buddy. i call her every night so i can fall asleep. not that she is boring, ive just been used to falling asleep on the phone every day for the past year. ive been going through some things and she is the person that has heard me cry, scream, bitch, and yell over bong waters and ricochet rabbits. friends? how many of us have them? next...the big delete. i did some early spring cleaning in my life. i called it the big delete. i went through my phone, myspace, and my yahoo IM and deleted everything that was associated with people i no longer want to talk to. did u survive the big delete? when you are down, you find out who your friends are and you find out who the snakes are. well ladies and gentlemen, i put off killin a snake for too damn long. that mofo bit me a couple of times and i let it continue to roam in my yard. aint that some shit? the first time it bit me, i shoulda cut its head off but i didnt. that was my mistake. ya live and ya learn. it'll never bite me again tho. like i always say, karma is an evil bitch and she will tap dat ass soon. soon come bitch. anyway, thanks to all my friends. im comin out of this funk ive been in lately. i still dont like my job. i got a lil bit of money since i got my taxes back but i havent been shopping. for what? i really dont need anything. the money is sittin there until i need it. i might plan a vacation somewhere in may. who knows. aight, im going to bed. in a minute...peace and john deere...cream out.

sunrise.....when i was younger, i used to have vivid dreams, dreams that would wake me and have me sittin on the edge of the bed until sunrise. i always dream in color....never had a black and white dream. always bright colors. i think its that way to make me remember whatever it was i dreamed about. im like the 3 generations of women before me....a woman that dreams about things to come. im no where near psychic but i will say when i dream about someone, usually its a sign that bullshit is involved. ive never dreamed about someone i actually KNOW doing something fucked up and i didnt find out that they were on some bullshit. that being said, here i am at sunrise writing because i just had 2 vivid ass dreams. dreams with colors that screamed at me. dreams that woke me up both physically and mentally. i am imperfect. im 50 pounds past thick, sensitive as hell at times, stubborn, anti-social, etc. ill never say im perfect but i am the complete package. im intelligent...i have a good conversation, a good job, grade A top of the line pussy...the woman that will allow you to be you, imperfections and all because thats what makes us all human right? the woman that is understanding of time demands because hell, i have my own, i work and i write. the woman that has to have music and a pen and a notebook in her life or she would go insane. the woman that knows the difference between rap and hip hop. the woman that can hold her liquor and doesnt do any other drugs. the woman that will only allow you in her space and introduce you to the loves of her life, her family, if and only if you fit the bill. the woman that will fuck you like a whore and fix you a sunday dinner afterwards....and you gon front on this shit here nigga? this shit here....nigga....this shit right here? hmmmph. true indeed, they were only just dreams but the signs have BEEN there and the signs all lead to bullshit. this is why i have a glacier where my heart used to be. fuck an icebox omarion, those shits can be defrosted. i will not allow myself to be disrespected over and over. after awhile, it makes it acceptable to be disrespectful because hey....she'll always be there. well, no the fuck i wont. that shit is for birds and that im clearly not. id rather lonely, in my solitude, than be treated less than what i deserve and accept bullshit for the sake of having somebody to talk to. it was once said by black thought that "things fall apart". damn right they do. in a minute....peace and the horizon....prolific out.

quiet......im lonely. i finally admitted it to myself. every night for the past 2 weeks, i make excuses for not going to bed. id rather bullshit on the internet, play the sims, rearrange shit that doesnt need to be rearranged in my room, basically make up shit to do....id rather do all that than go to lay in an bed by myself. i thought it might have been my bed...maybe its too hard or maybe i need more lavender in my sheets or maybe i need new sheets. i bought a feathertop for my mattress, new sheets that i sprinkled with lavender powder and i still couldnt sleep. something still wasnt right. i still laid in the bed with my mind racing and my eyes wide open. it wasnt until tonight that it finally hit me. i was layin in my bed after i made myself go to bed because playing on the internet was down right boring and the sims didnt seem too enticing at the moment....i laid there with my eyes open like i normally do and there was a pillow next to me. one of those big firm pillows. i laid my head on it and started to cry. i dont remember the last time i shared my bed with someone. im not even talkin about sex....thats the last thing on my mind actually. im talking about laying in the bed talking...bodies touching...not all sexual either...like, her feet on mine or my head on her shoulder. i miss that. i miss intimacy. again, not that sexual shit, although its quite nice. i want to be held, be kissed, hugged. i want to hear someone breathing beside me in my bed besides my damn dog. i want to have deep late night, early morning conversations until one of us starts dozing off. i want a reason to pop the tags off the new satin nightgowns i bought and not continue to wear the big cotton nightgowns that i wear night after night. i want the scent of someone other than myself on my sheets. i want to stop crying right now. i admit it, im lonely. in a minute....peace and quiet....prolific out.

star......today is the day my mother evicted me from her body by drinking a couple of bottles of castor oil. lmao. i have a picture of her holding me...i couldnt have been more than a couple of weeks old. i had on a pink and white shirt that said "a star is born". i think my momma was psychic cuz the world hasnt been the same since. wow....26. i never thought past 21 but here i am, 26 years young. ive been through so much, wasted so much time on things that dont matter, cried til my eyes were swollen, laughed until i damn near peed on myself, loved, been hurt, hurt people, been afraid....and im still here. i was sitting here thinking about what this day means and all i can come up with is change. im older now, gotta stop letting my fears keep me from living my dreams. i dont want to be 36 in the same position im in now. i havent been living up to my potential and i have no one to blame but myself. it doesnt matter because of course, the future is now. i keep hearin my buddy dawn tell me that ima star. the world just doesnt know it yet but trust and believe, they will. 25 was a learning experience, 26 will be the genesis of my celebrity and success. ive decided to distance myself from a couple of people this year. its necessary in order for me to grow to distance myself from people that have leech-like behavior, hurt me, or are just takin up space. why keep people around when their presence doesnt benefit you and most of the time only either gets on your nerves or hurts you? makes no sense to me. next.....i did most of my celebrating this weekend. friday night, me, friskins, and dubb went to macados as usual. the only difference is, i drank a long beach ice tea, vodka and cranberry, and vodka and orange juice. i was fuuuuuuucked up. according to dubb, i almost walked into a wall. i had so much fun tho. i sang "i touch myself" lmaooo. friskins sang "500 miles". i think thats the name of that damn song. anyway, i came home and passed the hell out. saturday night, me and the crew went to buffalo wild wings. i drank a blackberry lifesaver and a cosmo. i was behaving last night until dubb decided to go to the club. it was lame as ever. sad situation. friskins got harassed by a white butchy lookin chic. she held on to me like i was jesus the entire night. there werent any cute chics there, of course. i wish i knew where all the black lesbians are hiding around here. well....its not like i would have a lot to do with their lame asses tho. these dum dums around here make me wanna scream. if i find an intellectual around here, ill be a happy woman. aight, i gotta go to work on my birthday. *sigh* in a minute....peace and growth....prolific out.

i know its been a long time....entries seen to come less and less frequent nowadays. so much has changed. some things i want to talk about and most of it, i dont. ive been writing in my journal and have neglected my blog. anyway, im here now. a new year is approaching and im so friggin excited. 2007 is gonna kick 2006's ass. not that 2006 was horrible. ive just gone through a lot of changes....learned a lot, cried even more, i got extremely schoolsick, made a decent amount of money, blah blah blah. in 2007, i only have 1 resolution and that is to become better....have more, do more, be more, live more, laugh more than i did in 2006. most high willing i see it, ill be 26 on 1/15/07. im officially grown. no more excuses for me not doing what i need to do for myself. playtime is over. the future is now. next....me and ms dubb's friday night at macados routine has been going on for about 2 months now. i get tipsy every friday. its funny now, i think my body has built up a tolerance for bong waters. chay drinks 2 everytime we go out. i dont know how she still gets tipsy. im glad we go out, even if it is to drink. i need to get outta the house and go somewhere other than shopping or to work. its an expensive routine tho. on average, i spend at least $20.00 every friday. $80.00 a month. thats rather expensive. thats a pair of heels or an outfit. so, yesterday i bought my own alcohol and spent $30.00. i got blue curacao, vodka, and puerto rican rum. me and friskins drank 2 shooters called tiddy water. **they shoulda never gave me a bartender's book** tiddy water consists of vodka, rum, and blue curacao. the recipe said to put 2 raisins in the bottom but raisins are disgusting. it really does look like toilet water tho. after we drank our shots, we both drank a gremlin. a gremlin consists of 1 1/2 ounces of vodka, 3/4 oz of blue curacao, 3/4 oz of rum, and orange juice. we were both really tipsy. i wouldnt say drunk because we both were still walking around and weren't stumblin but umm...yeah....we were seeing spaceships over roanoke. i cant wait for new years because its probably gonna be worse. damn shame. yo....this new restaurant opened up called "zaxby's" here and im addicted. the best chicken tenders ive ever had. i dont know how im gonna lose weight when i love their spicy fried mushrooms and chicken tenders with honey mustard. its soooooooo good. im droolin just thinkin about it. me and friskins are going to get a platter for new years so we can put something on our stomachs in preparation for all the alcohol we will consume. if i call u on new years and say something weird, im drunk. hmmmmkay? next....ive changed my views when it comes to love and relationships. im still open. that hasnt changed. my legs arent going to be tho. ive decided to be celibate until i meet my neo. it shouldnt be hard at all since there isnt anyone around here that im interested in. nothing but losers, drug heads, crazies, and the confused around here. im like a swan in a sea of mud ducks. im also gonna make myself wait at least 3 months before i will be intimate after meeting someone that could possibly be neo. if its indeed true, 3 months without sex wont be a problem with her. quite frankly, i know im sittin on some superior, spectacular, superb, wonderfulness so its definitely worth the wait. plus yo...my brain is just awesome. i have a helluva personality too. i am the shit, if i say so myself. and im not the only one who thinks that. i just have to work on feeling that way all the time. i know everybody has their down days but im workin on having more up days than down days. i want to be able to look in the mirror and see whats positive and not just the negative. being a big girl in a skinny girl's world sucks occasionally but regardless, i make this look good. you will take a second look and so will your mate. hehe. aight, thats enough for now. i need to get back to work. in a minute....peace and love for self.....prolific out.

geeked up.....ladies and gents....im fuuuuuucked up. im startin to see spaceships over roanoke. i went out with ms chay deezy and she got me drunk. nah, i cant blame her for this shit. she ordered almost the same thing i did. i drank a bong water for the first time *****that shit will have u fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up***** and then i drank a bahama mama. i am so fucked up yo. if a chic was here, i couldnt do shit but look at her and pass out. damn shame. i wanted to go out because i never do shit on my days off except stay in the fuggin house and read or get on my computer. i called chay and she was down for an outing so i got on my clothes with some 4 1/2 inch heels and left. yo, i shouldnt have worn those shoes. i was an inch away from bustin my ass. i could probably jog in those shoes sober but uhhh...drunk, hell no, i barely walk. shit, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. i saw some of my momma's friends at the bar. damn shame, they have known me since i was like 5 and they saw me drunk. damn shame. oh well, im a grown ass woman and i do what i want. as a warning yo, if i type some random shit, blame the liquor. next.....i was one of the 290324302 million people out shopping at 3 am yesterday morning. the things i let my sister talk me into. i didnt go to sleep until 9 am this morning. the original plan was to go to best buy but when we saw that line wrapped around the building 2 times, we turned around and went the other way. we walked around walmart and laughed at the people that were in line for a hdtv and come to find out, there were only 10 tvs but 150 people in line. ctfu...there were some angry white folks. i bought a couple of dvds that ill probably never watch. we went to the mall and i bought 3 sweaters on sale for 11.99 a piece. im always buying clothes...im turning into a clothes horse. when i get paid its going to be worse. anyway, i bought some smell goods at victoria's secret for my auntie. once i got my hit of liquid crack (caramel macchiatos from starbucks) and a chicken biscuit from chic-fil-a and i was ready for another round. that is until i came home and laid in my bed. when i started playing with my hair, it was a wrap. im functioning on 4 hours of sleep, plus im drunk. smh...the shit i get myself into. next....my thanksgiving was boring. i worked with a buncha whiney people. i wished i was at home sleeping in a turkey induced sleep. yo..did i mention im fucked up? ill probably read this shit tomorrow and say i typed too much but so fuckin what. i write what i want. i do what i want. in a minute.....peace and bong water.....prolific is finna pass out.

baaaaalliiiinnn.....ok ok ok....im here. ive been putting this post off because i havent been able to sit still long enough to write so this might be a lil long. well, it depends on how long i can sit here without doing something else. my attention span is becoming shorter and shorter. i need to work on that. anyway, grab a snack and get comfy in your chair because you just might be here for a while. where to begin....11/15/06, my momma's 50th birthday. i planned a little party for her. we all (my fam and her friends) ate at red lobster and had a balllll. we had a room to ourself and i know we were loud as crap. we had 2 waitresses and they earned every single dollar they got from tips. dealing with a bunch of tipsy,hungry, negroes isnt easy. i got a cake with her baby pic on it and got a hotel room with a jacuzzi just for her to get away for a day by herself. i set up the room with rose petals on the bed, special bath and body works bubble bath for the tub, a bottle of alize, a bottle of bacardi, and some snacks for the night. she cried a lil bit because she was so damn happy. i know how to organize a party...get on my level. lmao. me and friskins went to the indoor pool and whirlpool for a couple of hours after we dropped my mother off in her room. yo, that whirlpool felt so damn good yo. i want one in my house. friskins swam in the pool and took a buncha pics with my new camera. ill put them on my flickr later. next...christmas is coming up and i have no idea how im going to pay for all these friggin gifts. i have to start saving because i have a big project lined up. im not going to disclose the details yet. trust, its big tho. ive been having weird feelings yo. on one hand, i think...damn im single i can do what i want and have fun. then on the other hand im thinking, all this damn dating, talking to 109230902 people, and all that isnt me at all. right now, i love someone so much yo...so much that im willing to start the process of...commitment. anybody that knows me knows how hard it is for me to commit. i dont know what im going to do tomorrow or how im going to feel tomorrow. i would hate to hurt someone because i change my mind about being "taken". the next relationship i get into will definitely be a no label relationship. once you put a label on something, it changes it. it makes it have expectations and stuff. i want it to be whatever we have is what we have. things tend to work out smoother that way. no labels, just 2 people lovin each other and not worrying about whats going to happen in the future because as we all know, the future isnt promised. how can u truly enjoy life if you are constantly worrying or planning for the future? what happens when what you plan doesnt work the way you planned? fuck all that. lets enjoy the present. right now is all that matters. the past is gone and the future might not come. i guess all of my zen readings are starting to kick in. next...coonery is alive and going strong. i can not believe the amount of garbage on the radio now. if you want to hear good music ladies and gents, turn off the radio. ive been on psalm one as of late (peep her myspace, she is dope). please listen to something of substance that doesnt involve any poppin, snappin, perculatin, etc.. next....thanksgiving is tomorrow and im not looking forward to it. i really dont have an appetite. im not big on eating a whole lot of crap anymore. im tryin to cut out a lot of the garbage i eat. taco bell cant be good for me. im not eatin a lot, i am lookin forward to the alcohol. hehe. i cant indulge too much because as always, i have to work. thats ok tho. im earning 2 paid leave days and im off on friday. im not going shopping tho because as always, im broke. *sigh* aight, thats enough for now. i need to get back to work. in a minute....peace and mojitos....pro out.

rebel.....its been a long time because quite frankly, aint shit been going on. i go to work, i come home. true indeed, i see a lot of funny things happen everyday but i just dont feel like writing when i get home. that damn job drains me sometimes. i know its made me quite insensitive. hearing people's problems all day and hearing people bitch and moan and moan and bitch constantly, has made me slightly numb. shit happens. thats all i can say. a couple of weeks ago, i wasnt feelin too hot. for the first time in a while, i started to cry. that shit ended abruptly. ive realized that crying doesnt solve the situation. sure its a release, but if i do cry, i cry, get my shit together, and move on. life is entirely too short to be worrying about what somebody is doing or worrying about if they are playin you or some other silly bullshit like that. people are going to do what they are going to do regardless. why should i worry about it? is that going to help the situation if it happens? hell no. so, i say, fuck it. if you are with me, you are. if not, fuck your life and your existance....and im sooo sincerr about that. ive realized i can count the number of friends i have on one hand. i bet a couple of people are wondering if they are included. well, if you have to think about it, you probably arent. next...this past weekend i had so much fun yo. me, whit, and my sissy went to lynchburg which is about 45 minutes from where i live. i had to get the hell outta roanoke. this place was makin me wanna hitchhike outta here. anything to get away. lynchburg is smaller than roanoke (yes it can get smaller than the noke) but it was like a breath of fresh air. well, rewind that. we went to the mall before we left and i got a canon a630. yoooooooooo...its a beast. i finally can take pics of my sissy wearin her stunna glasses at night. (inside joke) my old camera was a piece of ish to say the least. after i got my new cam i promptly gave the old one to my niece. a 5 year old with a digital camera......smh. anyway, on the way to lynchburg we laughed so much. we are all some funny chics. we spend 3 hours in the mall. i came out with some smell goods from bath and body works, a baby blue chenille sweater(to match my baby blue heels), a chocolate chenille sweater, and a bunch of other clothes from lane bryant. i got a lil out of hand. shopping is my addiction. everybody has one and dammit.....if i could go shopping for a living, id be a happy chic. we ate at a japanese steakhouse and the food was awesome. i drank a weak ass zombie and ate some sushi too. on the way home we sang old ass jodeci songs. where are those dudes anyway? i havent talked to my best friend in almost a month. she is going through some things so i understand she needs her space but i miss you yo. artiste call me soon homie. aight, thats enough for now. ill holla. in a minute...peace and samadhi...pro out.

bennu....i want to burn anything associated with you, soak it with diesel goodbyes and unleaded heartaches...burn anything connected to a thought or a dream....plans of matrimony of a match made in lies....empty words capped with empty promises accompanied by excuses spread upon my ears before the sun greeted my face...i want to incinerate my heart and watch it burn like the tears when they fall from my eyes...bathe in lava to erase traces of kisses and touches. i want to rise above the ashes where memories once inspired smiles on sour days and tears every other week, fly past the past....so i can finally be free.

i wonder.....if she knows how inferior i feel around her. she is beautiful. sure, she has her flaws but over all she is beautiful. i know i have the degree, i have the good job, but i dont have happiness. i dont have serenity. i dont have an ounce of esteem. i wonder if they know how much pain i have felt in the past year. so many changes. so many issues. sometimes i just want to say fuck it all and move to wyoming or montana...live in the boonies where i dont know anyone and no one knows me. somewhere i can sit and write or paint and be myself. i wonder if this build up of tears that i havent shed will hurt once they start flowing. cant hurt more than my heart right now. i wonder how many people would notice if i took a break. lets see. in a minute....maybe 5....peace and kleenex....prolific out.

focused.....i havent updated in like 38291 years. well, its not that bad but dang, its been a while. now that i know how to utilize the e-mail to your blog thing, i should be ok. all of the things i want to write about seem to come to me when im at work or about to doze off. im still studying zen, just not as much as i was. im just taking everything one day at a time and every day i learn something new. ive been thinking about my experiences when i was a young college student with nothing on her mind but school. if i could go back and do it all over again, i would. i loved college as much as i complained about it. i know i would do a lot better tho. thats why im so determined to go to grad school. i want to keep going. hell, if the most high allows me to live to be a great grandma, i might have 4 bachelors degrees and 3 masters degrees. i plan to go to school forever. you can never know too much, in my opinion. im faced with the issue of, should i have a child first or should i get my master's first. i know if i get my master's first, i wont have a child until im at least 28. i dont want to be all old trying to fun after a toddler. if i have a child first, it might not get my master's degree until im 40. i was thinking, why cant i do both? it would probably be entirely too hard. *sigh* so much to do in so little time. my business ventures arent lookin too good. mainly because i havent done a lot of work. everything is still in its beginning stages. my business partner is about to go to film school so she probably wont have a lot of time to devote to the business. my plan is to mail her an introductory package full of stuff i have made and she can sell it and i can tell if its going to do well or not. i know it is tho. i have that much faith in my product. as far as the t-shirt thing, thats going to have to wait a while. i have an idea for a side hustle. im not going to write too much about it because someone might take my idea. all im going to say is, photography on another level. i plan to be very financially comfortable by the time im 30. not rich, but comfortable. not living paycheck to paycheck. being able to take a real vacation. i have to remain focused. next....i have to have surgery on my mouth tomorrow. well, on my teeth. all i know is, i had to wait 4 months...probably longer than that...to have this shit done to half of my mouth. dont you know its going to cost about $400 for half of my mouth? thats before insurance kicks in. ill probably have to pay about $100 out of pocket. *sigh* i planned to take my dog to the vet to get some shots and a checkup but he just might have to wait. in a way, im scared. ive never had a needle in my mouth. hell, i have never had a cavity. ill be aight...ima champ. aight...thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

dharma and pro....yesterday before i went to work, i bought "the complete idiots guide to zen living". i have the e-book but i enjoy reading the book so much that i wanted a hard copy. anyway, i took the book to work with me so i could read it on my lunch break instead of watching t.v. or something else mindless. i had the book on my desk and my supervisor came up and said "zeeen living? whats that?" as soon as i said "ZEN buddhism, meditation, stuff like that." this chic removed her hands from that book like it was the textbook of satanism 101. she walked away and i continued to do what i was doing. she came back and sat beside me and said "god said you shouldnt put any other god before him." the look on my face was priceless yo. i gave her the "what the fuck did you just say to me?" face. anybody who has seen me, knows that face. i am sooooo tired of christians, not just black christians, all christians, acting like anything that isnt related to the bible is of the devil. i went on to explain to her that i am not a buddhist, although i read a lot of books by the dalai lama and about zen. i am not a christian. i go to church because i enjoy going, not because i believe its going to get me closer to heaven. i am spiritual, not religious. i dont feel that any one religious group is the chosen group. you notice that every religious groups outside of buddhists think they are the only people that will be in heaven? religions divide people, not the most high. just because im studying zen doesnt mean im not going to heaven and just because you go to church every sunday doesnt mean you are going either. zen isnt a religion any damn way. its a way of life and thinking. stop being so fuggin scared of shit you dont know about. if you dont know, READ. knowledge is free...go to a library. damn sheep. then this broad had the nerve to say "i was going to take yoga but somebody told me that it had something to do with religion." *sigh* at that point, i gave up. again i say, READ. yoga has nothing to do with religion yo. it amazes me how many sheep there are in the world. too lazy to educate themselves so they can form their OWN opinions about the world. its easier to conform. well, i refuse to conform and i refuse to be a fuggin sheep. fuck your opinions and fuck your existance. nobody lives my life but me. *gettin off my soapbox* next...today me and my sissy walked to this new trail that was built a street over from where i live. i thought it was going to be lame, to be honest. the part we walked was about a mile long. its kinda like a nature trail. you are surrounded by trees and you can hear the creek beside the path. i dont know what made the city to decide to build it through the hood but i dig it. hopefully, it wont rain tomorrow and i can take some pictures. its the perfect place to take photos. expect a link to my flickr page soon. anyway, i even walked my dog through the path. i let him run free and his stupid ass rolled in rabbit shit....or at least i think it was...i wasnt tryin to smell it. when we came home i gave him a bath and gave him all of my buffalo wild wings bones so needless to say, he is a happy dog right now. my calves feel like shit but other than that, im good. im going to commit myself to walking through that path more often. its a nice walk....just to let everything that is going on in your life go and just focus on the scenery. it made me feel like everything that was on my mind was mundane. my sister wants to start running through there. im not sure about all that but i will walk. i gotta walk before i run, lmao. thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace and spirituality....prolific out.

namaste.....in front of my comp (of course) blastin joi in my headphones. suga you should know that i just wanna fly to the moon and even if you wont take me i know there will be anotha rocket comin by soon. this weekend has pushed so much emotion out of me, things that i havent thought about in years came out. i guess the zen thing is working. my mind is purging out all of the garbage from the past 25 years. all of the times i allowed myself to be violated and abused mentally as well as physically played in my head like a movie. its weird how you push things in the back of your mind and you think they have left your mind but they really havent. meditation is a helluva thing. the first time i sat down and meditated, my mind went blank in the first 10 minutes and then the story of my life played in my head. when it finished, i got up and wiped my face and blew my nose (yuckers, i know). come to find out, my niece had been knocking on my door for 20 minutes and i didnt even hear it. weird. my mind was somewhere else. the whole experience had me shook up for a minute. i wanted to call my bestest friend artiste but i knew she was probably at work since she is always at work. i already woke her up outta her sleep last week. i know she doesnt mind tho. she is my best FRIEND. not someone i call when i just want to vent about my problems or someone who just calls me to vent about their problems. we have been friends for almost 6 years now and never met in person. its amazing how we are so damn close but never met. whats more amazing is, we arent on the phone every 5 minutes. we dont have to be. we converse at least twice a month and if she tells me she is gonna call me back and she doesnt for 2 weeks, i overstand. i know respect her moodiness and she respects mine. *sigh* friends, how many of us have them? hell, how many of us have ONE? next...i took the day off to finish my project for my interview tomorrow. im nervous, but ill be ok. the worse thing they can say is no and its not like i havent heard that 5011 times before. in due time, someone is going to say yes. everything in its time. i know that i have been neglecting not only my business but my writing. my writing has suffered greatly due to the fact that i stopped doing it. i lost focus. in a way, im glad my business didnt start when it was supposed to because i know i dont know enough about it now and i knew even less when i proposed the idea. i want to perfect my crafts...my art and making my own products. in a couple of years, i want to be a household name. i want my books in your briefcases and on your bookshelves. i want my art to be hung in your home. i want my hair and body products to be a staple for your day to day routine. so, presently im working to become a better person, a better lover, a future mother, a better businesswoman, a better friend. in a minute....peace....the one who is better than sex, drugs, and hip hop, the one that took any half you had and made it whole, the one that put the motion in ya ocean when we were sailin in my bed, the one who put the pen to the pad of a microphone fiend....out.