quiet......im lonely. i finally admitted it to myself. every night for the past 2 weeks, i make excuses for not going to bed. id rather bullshit on the internet, play the sims, rearrange shit that doesnt need to be rearranged in my room, basically make up shit to do....id rather do all that than go to lay in an bed by myself. i thought it might have been my bed...maybe its too hard or maybe i need more lavender in my sheets or maybe i need new sheets. i bought a feathertop for my mattress, new sheets that i sprinkled with lavender powder and i still couldnt sleep. something still wasnt right. i still laid in the bed with my mind racing and my eyes wide open. it wasnt until tonight that it finally hit me. i was layin in my bed after i made myself go to bed because playing on the internet was down right boring and the sims didnt seem too enticing at the moment....i laid there with my eyes open like i normally do and there was a pillow next to me. one of those big firm pillows. i laid my head on it and started to cry. i dont remember the last time i shared my bed with someone. im not even talkin about sex....thats the last thing on my mind actually. im talking about laying in the bed talking...bodies touching...not all sexual either...like, her feet on mine or my head on her shoulder. i miss that. i miss intimacy. again, not that sexual shit, although its quite nice. i want to be held, be kissed, hugged. i want to hear someone breathing beside me in my bed besides my damn dog. i want to have deep late night, early morning conversations until one of us starts dozing off. i want a reason to pop the tags off the new satin nightgowns i bought and not continue to wear the big cotton nightgowns that i wear night after night. i want the scent of someone other than myself on my sheets. i want to stop crying right now. i admit it, im lonely. in a minute....peace and quiet....prolific out.