show must go on......1:10...in 20 minutes i have to start getting ready for the job ive grown to detest. well, not the job itself...the people there. ive learned that ive invested so much time in being miserable for 8 hours of my day, 5 days a week. im just gonna let shit ride. hell, it could be worse. i could be unemployed, not about to pay these credit cards after days of shopping for things that i really dont need, but make me feel nice, even for just a moment. ive replaced ooh wees and multiple orgasms with shopping. not a good habit, a very expensive one at that, but just for a moment, it inspires me to smile. ive learned that i may not be the most attractive or the most simple person alive but hell, im alive. overcome more than the average woman my age to be alive and sane, most of the time. i love hard and sometimes, well hell, most of the time, it tends to bite me in the ass. the regrets i had before today dont exist. only right now really matters. thats all i have. i think im ovulating. its possible after bleeding and cramping for 2 weeks straight. not guaranteed, but possible. i pray that my womb that ive abused with lovers who didnt really give nothin but their commitment to my orgasm (if that), black and mild smoke, and spirits every friday for the past 5 months...has forgiven me and decided to bless itself with at least 1 life to come forth in this crazy world ive decided to be a part of. i havent wanted anything so much since i got my degree that is still in an envelope, inside of an envelope, on a shelf. i promise if she blesses herself with life, ill do right. ill love myself more, neglect myself less, eliminate anything that could harm us mentally or physically, for the rest of my life. the rest of my life, most high willing, will be a long time if i live for the moment, not for the future. all that matters is now. last night, in the middle of a gas station parking lot, i released tears and negativity that i had been holding on to for months. i felt like the weight of 6 women was lifted from my mind. thats not to say that ive forgotten, ive just moved on. the show must go on, fortunately. nothing unfortunate about living my life. ive learned hatred and negativity take energy that i could be using for another purpose. loyalty and an unknown named baby boy come to mind. ive got to do better for the dreams i do have. cant make them reality if my reality at the present is all fucked up. i have to do better. much better, than this. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.