peachey cream....i am in a good mood yo....besides the fact that my right eye is swollen and the left eye keeps itchin. last night, me and diallo went to ruby tuesday. i got lit yo. i drank a megarita with an extra shot of tequila. didnt eat anything....that drink filled me up. we drove over this bridge that goes to ohio....it is so damn pretty. it felt nice to feel wind blow through my hair and seein the ohio river. i appreciate the little things. doesnt take much to make me happy. then...i came home and cussed my father out. this bastid aint called in 3 months...called me...and said "hey". wtf you mean "hey". mayn, i cussed him out and hung up. felt good not to cry...not to be weak for a man that doesnt give a fuck about me and never really has....at least i cant tell it. the night i sat on my floor and waited for him to call back and he didnt was the final tic. i refuse to repeatedly put myself in a situation where i am gettin hurt. next...cream wrote me a letter. my mother read it to me when i talked to her today. im glad we are back in contact again....i missed my best friend. he understands me more than anyone else on the face of this earth and i understand him the same way. cream is my brotha from a different motha. i need to hurry up and write him back. next...is phone sex cheatin??? me and tia were debatin that today. well, i think it is...you are fantasizing about someone else....like artiste said "substituting verbal for physical". she said it wasnt...i believe it is. i would be highly pissed if woo had phone sex with another woman. pissed is actually puttin it mildly. i would be ready to cut a bitch. yo, dont know if its somethin in the water...but i have turned into a horny toad. i feel sorry for my girl cuz she gon be tired goin to work cuz we gon be doin da damn thang a lot. from what i hear, i have a very high sex drive.....im talkin bout doin it all day and only stoppin to take showers, pee, or get somethin to eat. my momma said that when i turn 40, *insha allah*, it will be worse. it seems like all i do..is think about sex. all day i....dream about...all day i...dream about sex. i mean, there are other things on my mind....those thoughts get interrupted by naughty thoughts. maybe thats why i have been kinda grumpy....i need some sex...some dirty....smack my booty...what's my name....type sex. some sex that requires me to take a damn nap after. i gotta go get my blood checked later on this morning...so i need to take my yella ass to sleep.....cream out.

on the #9 bus......i was up all night....couldnt sleep, barely could breathe. all i did was sneeze, sweat, drink water, and piss. me and woo had a discussion....right before i went to catch the bus. didnt really feel aight...had tears in my eyes while i sat on the bus stop. i pulled out an old bill and a pen from my pocketbook....here's what i wrote: "cream's rambling at the bus stop"........uncertainty drives me insane. i know you cant worry about things you can not control...im just realizing that i dont have as much control over things as i thought. its like the most high tapped me on the shoulder, stood in front of me, and opened my third eye. i am seeing a lot weakness in myself.....im realizing i am not as strong as i thought. when it comes to people i truly love, i am sensitive as hell. its like, when i care about someone or love them....i give them my all....150% of me. thats not always the right thing to do and i realize that i am exposing myself to hurt and disappointment by doin that. the fact remains that i am a nurturing woman....i am happy seeing the people i care about appreciate what i do for them and if they do for me....they do. i have never been a self-centered..."what have you done for me lately" kinda woman. thats not in me at all. i just need to put my nurturing on pause....get on my john deere....let someone nurture me for a change....see who nurtures me when i stop.....see who cares....and let the rodents and snakes be exposed. i am also seeing an abundance of strength in myself....im realizing i am not as weak as i thought. i have been through a whole lot in my 22 years...most people would be in a psycho ward....but i survived...each day is a reminder that i am a warrior...i was born fighting and ill probably die fighting. trust, i wont take anything layin down...im not a punk...i come at shit with my fists up and my mind ready....and best believe, when the smoke clears, i will be the last woman standing. so, all these things i deal with day to day are the most high's reminder to keep my fists up...keep landin them punches regardless of how tired i am....cuz once i let my hands down to rest....the issues win, the fight ends, and i die. next....i got 3 prescriptions, my iron checked, and tomorrow i have to go get my blood tested for diabetes. am i shook??? hell nah, not anymore. the most high isnt goin to give me more than i can handle. if he/she feels that i can take another load on my back....he/she will bring it....its called insha allah and i trust his/her will. what will be, will be. all i know is, im gloved up...ready for the next round. peace....creamalicious suga baby out.

ri-gotdamn-diculous......i talked to woo this morning and she made me promise to make a doctors appointment at student health. i hate that place...the most high only knows....but i dont have any insurance and thats the only medical care i have right now..so, i gotta do what i gotta do. suck it up and go. for her, ill go. after i talked to her, my mom called me. i told her what was wrong...how i wake up every hour at night because i am either thirsty or sweatin like i am sleepin in the desert or because i have to pee....or all of them. this has been going on for about a month.....i havent told anybody cuz i didnt want to hear "cream..you need to go to the doctor." ill go when i damn well please. dont tell me what to do...i run this and you are not the damn boss of me. *soundin kinda like a control freak huh?* anyway, while i was talkin to my mom, my grandma beeped in. my mom put us on 3-way. i HATE bein on 3-way with them!!!! they play the "who knows more about cream" or "who knows whats best for cream" game. it kills me yo. my mom told my grandma the bizness.....why in the hell did she do that?? my grandma was yellin "cream...you got a bladder infection!!!!" how in the hell do you get that i have a bladder infection from whats goin on with me??? i just said "yes ma'am, ill make an appointment." lawd...then, my grandma hung up. so, i told my mother how scared i am. she said "why you actin like you gonna die or something? its just diabetes, damn." aight...if she wasnt my mother....i woulda flipped on her. shes my mother so i respect what she says but how is she gonna tell me i shouldnt be scared. i dont have anything wrong with my body that i know of and now there is a chance that something is wrong...thats some scary shit to me. i knew i shouldnt have said shit to her about it....but nooooo, i had to open my big mouth. now, my grandma is callin me every 2 hours to see if i made the appointment and if i am drinking cranberry juice, which i drink everyday by the way. im feelin some kind of way toward my mother cuz she doesnt understand how i feel yo. she makes it seem like me bein a diabetic aint shit. well...do i have to get re-occurring gonorreaherpesyphamidia and damn near die for her to give me some encouragment.....for her to say "baby, its gonna be ok." really, thats all i wanted. i just wanted my momma to tell me i was goin to be aight. she acts like me bein sick is no big deal....and really...it isnt a big deal...i mean, there are millions of diabetics in this world, but to have most of your family be diabetic and have to take insulin and 2 of them need kidneys because of their diabetes.....is a big deal to me. to have a doctor tell me i am a diabetic is one of my biggest fears and for her to say that my fear basically, aint shit, hurt me. well, it aint the first time and it damn sho wont be the last. i gotta go to work. cream out.

ooooookkkkkkkk......i been gettin a lot of "cream, are you ok's"....yo, i am fine. i go through shit just like errbody else. the only difference is....yall read it. thanks for yall concerns tho. i feel sooooo much better and all i did was draw and cut up a shirt. i expressed my creativity...that helped. it always has. so, cream is officially out of her mood. im going to a poetry society meeting....havent been in a while. i havent read in a minute either. maybe i need to. next....i cant wait to go home. yall already know that tho. the week i am at my mothers house, i am going to walk my dog everyday..unless it rains. i miss her like she is my child. then, i am goin to plant flowers in the front yard and tomatoes and cucumbers in the back yard. i always wanted to fix my mother a garden so this summer, i am going to do it. i cant wait til she comes and gets me. i have some shit up my sleeve. *evil laugh* i hope i get the classes i want to take at quinnipiac. if not, i dont know what i am goin to do. i cant go up there and do nothin....doin nothin aint me. i have to have something constructive to do or ill lose my damn mind. i have a couple of things i want to do this summer tho: 1) go vegan..i always wanted to do it...got close to it, never did it. 2) go on a real vacation to somewhere i have never been. 3) dye my hair blonde and leave it blonde for a week...never done that, always rinsed it red.....and a bunch of other things that i will add lata. next...im finally goin to the doctor...bein iggin shit for too long. might be a diabetic...it scares the piss out of me, but its better that i know if i am so then, i can treat it. i hate goin to doctors...they never know what the hell is wrong with me. its like they guess....shit, i can guess whats wrong with me dammit. tell me some shit i dont know. then they have the nerve to give me medicine...why would i take that shit if you dont know whats wrong with me??? anywhoo, i gotta go to class...cream's quote of the day: "mayn...i aint spendin money i dont have, on shit i dont need, for people i dont fuckin know." peace.....cream out.

cream's rambling........tears are fallin....i feel weak...like i have been workin all my life...like a slave...i let my past be my master and my fear be my overseer...i wish i could go back, back to when shit wasnt so fuckin complicated...when i was that little brown girl with them pretty eyes like light brown clouds that veiled my pain until things got too heavy and it rained all down my face....and they wonder why i have such sad eyes...if you could look into my life...into my heart...and see what i see and feel what i feel...you still wouldnt understand and you probably couldnt take it. i wanna go back before he, she, it, them, and now....before that curtain rose and indecently exposed my heart to pain....before my purity was tainted and my body was left scarred...before all the bullshit this life has served me on a paper plate....i wish i could go back to innocence.

poo revisited.......i believe this cloud over me is startin to move. its not completely gone but it is gettin there. i have been feelin a whole lot. when i say feelin i mean my emotions have been quite sensitive. i havent felt like this in a while.....the last time was when me and tia broke up. i dont feel any pain.....well, yes i do....i feel....more conscious....more aware of myself and more aware of my feelings towards a lot of issues as well as my feelings for people. operation poo is still in effect. i did not fathom that this process would be so long and would trigger my emotions like this. im thinkin about stuff that happened to me when i was younger that i thought i was over. keyword: thought. some big stuff....some little stuff. i have been walkin to class and all of a sudden and i will see something or hear something that will trigger a memory. or i could be talkin to woo and she asks me a question about my past that triggers a memory. its like all of a sudden, stuff that i thought i forgot, is comin back to me. stuff that i pushed in the back of my mind is comin front and center of my head. next...last night, artiste FINALLY showed me her work and i must say that she is soooo damn talented. i want to buy some of her work but i dont think shes goin to come off of anything...especially that bob marley sketch. when i am rich and famous, her work will be on all of my books, in my restaurants, on my clothes...every damn where. one day, i hope she draws me....blind contour (new art term for cream). blind contour means drawing without lookin at what you are drawing. cool huh? then...i will know how she sees me in her mind. next...i have been having a hard time writing. its not writers block...its me blockin my gift. its my fault...i have been comparin myself to other writers and as a result, i have limited myself as a writer and an artist. there are soooo many half written poems that i have thrown away because i felt that they werent good enough. yo, when i read audre lorde or staceyann chin, i am moved. i started comparing my work with theirs and as a result, i havent felt too hot about what i write lately. i have realized that this thing called writing is not about competition, its all about expressing yourself and people express their thoughts in different ways. a beautiful poem is in the eyes of the reader. i may think a poem is wack that another person may think is hot or vice versa. so, all i am tryin to do is express myself and write from my soul. be the best i can be doin me. peace....cream out.

what up gangstaaaaa......i havent felt like writin....just havent really been inspired. all i want to do is lay in my bed and sleep. maybe its because it has been raining all week. my ankles ache, i feel bloated...code red is long over due (could i be pregnant???...haaa picture that), and im tired of school...ready to chill somewhere and be easy. right now, i have a headache from the depths of hades that will not go away. i wish it would go away so i can go to sleep. i havent had a good nights sleep in a while. i am debating whether i am goin to be bothered this weekend. by being bothered i mean....am i goin to call my mom and tell her im havin some "me" time, cut my ringer off, cut my computer off, and just chill by my gotdamn self. i have been real snappy and evil lately....maybe that is the solution. i hope it rains all weekend so i can sleep in without the sun wakin me up. i need to be rejuvenated....its like i dont have any "get up and go" in me anymore. like i said, i just want to sleep. me and diallo are goin shoppin tomorrow. i have to get some tapes to record these movies for my mom, a bottle of merlot, some benedryl, a padded envelope to mail my girl her cds, gummy bears, an easter card for cream, and some cheetos. next....i was browsin and i want this, this, this, this with this, and these. all that would make me feel betta.i dont have anything else to write about....well i do....but i dont feel like it right now...maybe later. peace. cream out.

irony....here is my damn horoscope for the day:
You may be getting frustrated with love and romance, dear Capricorn, because they seem to be causing more tension than calm and relaxation. No one said love was easy, but it doesn't have to be completely miserable, either. The key is to not get too stressed out about the little things. Know and expect that not everything is going to exactly match your highest expectations. There are many aspects of a relationship that you simply have no control over - namely, the other person.

things fall apart....an hour ago, i cried. i finally released all the pain and stress i have been feelin for the past 2 weeks. i havent been myself lately....cuz i have been under so much pressure. i feel how i felt when i came to college. i could have went to school 45 minutes away from home....i didnt. i chose a school 4 hours away. i needed to get away from home before i lost my life through my own actions or someone else's. now, i am planning to move to connecticut when i graduate. that is a big change for me. comin to school was 1 thing....i would not have seen 22, if i had stayed home. i was with someone that physically abused me. the only way to get away from him was to leave home...and thats what i did. i wanted independence...i wanted to do my own thing. right now, i am so scared...i have never lived with anybody....i am so used to being independant that the thoughts of me being dependant scare the crap out of me. movin to connecticut would make me totally dependant. i dont like being dependant...never have. i took my training wheels off of my bike and taught myself to ride. i didnt want anybody helping me. if i was goin to learn....i was goin to teach myself. i am hella stubborn...i admit it. i wont ask anybody for shit. if something needs to be done....ill do it myself. i never want someone to be able to hold something over my head..."oh, i did this for you"or "i did that for you." i wish i knew what the future holds but only the most high knows my destiny....so i guess i am s.o.l.. this situation is forcing me to deal with issues within myself. the next one is trust. i have a hard time trusting people. yo, i can name the # of people i trust on 1 hand. it takes a lot to get my trust and if it is ever betrayed.....thats it. im not big on 2nd chances. you fuck up once...you are dismissed. me and cammie talked about all that on friday night. made me think a lot....why is it so hard for me to trust someone or be dependant on someone? i say....it has to do with my past experiences...not just in intimate relationships....it comes from the relationship i have with my family too. i have been hurt by my fam as well as people outside of my fam and it has made me very reserved when it comes to people. next...tonight, when i looked in the mirror....i didnt recognize myself. i mean, i knew it was me....but my reflection didnt match my self-image. goin to bed....need to gather my thoughts. lata....cream out.

one mo' gin......i am not sure if i already had a post called one mo' gin...but yo, that song is on my mind right now. next...im riiicchhh byyttcchhhhh.....well, not right now...i will be one day. right now, i got a little change in my pocket but i gotta save it for my books for summer school. savin money is hard for me...how do you save money when there are things that you need that you dont have??? i guess thats called sacrifice. that has been the word of the weekend and the question of the weekend is...would you do the same for me?? still thinkin on that. im tired of bein the person in the relationship that is sacrificing something....for example, i was thinking about transferring to my ex's school when we were together. she couldnt transfer because she has a full basketball scholarship....sooooo, i had to be the one that transferred. im tired of bein understanding. im tired of being the one that is sacrificing something...sacrifice for me dammit. overstand me. if i gave up my life as i know it....left the familiar and moved to a world of uncertainty, if the tables were turned, would you do the same? next... yesterday, me and my buddy diallo went to circuit city to exchange the memory chip i bought that didnt work. cream didnt have to cuss anyone out....they gave me the right one, i installed it all by myself, and now my comp has no molasses in its ass. next...i have this issue. its like, my brain links songs and smells to my memories.....if i hear a certain song, i automatically think about someone or if i smell a certain brand of cologne, i think about someone. its crazy. for example, if i hear "beautiful" by tweet, i think about me layin in the bed while my ex was drivin...it was dark...everything smelled like vanilla and coconuts (i was tipsy from some bu).....she had that song on repeat while we were talkin. she said that song expressed how she felt about me *yeah right*. thats a neutral memory....i dont feel good or bad when i think about it....its just a memory. i just wish the memories that pertain to my exes step to the back of my brain. is it....nah, ill keep that to myself. next...im in a mood. <--that is ya warning. i need to be listened to....not just heard. i feel i am bein heard...not listened to....not felt. that shit urks the fuck out of me. when i feel someone isnt listening to me....i get heated yo....i either walk away or hang up. i know that seems childish....thats just me tho. i listen to people so i expect the same in return. i shouldnt have to ask for a fuckin conversation yo...and i am not goin to. in addition to that, my mind needs to be stroked. i am tired of masturbating my brain. its gettin old yo. damn old. artiste is sick so i havent been conversin with her a lot lately *get well soon suga*....she keeps me sane yo. constant reminder that there are women that appreciate a good conversation with some "substance". yo, i just feel myself gettin more and more heated and deeper and deeper into the depths of moodiness...so ima end it here. peace....cream out.

i have had a lot on my plate lately....3 papers in 1 week...exams...tryin to get everything together so i can go to summer school in connecticut...just stress yo. i havent been in the best mood lately...been down right mean. i just dont feel like bein bothered...i mean, i dont mind listenin to my closest friends (yall know who yall are). i dont wanna hear no bullshit from anybody else. unless you are goin to pay me $50 an hour to listen to you and and another $50 for my advice....dont call me. i have my own issues i am dealing with....leave me alone yo. i know that sounds mean but yo...you dont know how many people call me to vent. do i call them with my problems...hell to da nah. i know i give good advice but damn. just needed to vent...peace...creamalicious out.

case of the ex......chapter 1.....before i begin....congrats to stinka on the birth of ya blog. next...i was layin on my floor....listenin to basin street blues with my eyes closed. i had my windows open so the breeze could come in....i was havin some me time and the phone rang. i started not to answer it but since it was around 1:00, i thought it was stinka callin on her lunch break. i got up and picked up the phone and said "hello".
the voice on the other end said "suga, i miss you."
my stomach began to feel funny...it started turnin....like i had just ate peanut butter, ketchup, and sardines. somethin told me not to answer the damn phone...just let the answering machine pick up. i replied in my dammit, i dont feel like no shit tone, "what you want yo?"
the voice, slightly cracking responded "i want you to tell that girl in connecticut its ova and come back to me."
*i knewww i shouldnt have said that shit. wrong question. *mentally kickin myself*
I sighed, leaned against the closet door, and said "you had your season. you cheated on me. im happy where i am at, na mean. why dont you hook back up with that chic in jersey?"
*i know that was mean...but i really didnt give a damn.*
there was a minute of silence and then i said "you still there??", cuz for a minute, i didnt hear anything. i heard sniffles and she replied "yeah, im still here."
a long pause."cream, i know i fucked up yo...i know i did. but i know she dont deserve you. she cant love you like i can. what..yall been together fo a month, at the most 2 months. i have known you since september. she came down there once..so what. i seen you 4 times...came to your school and your house. i know she didnt please you. cant nobody make love to you like i can. yo, lemme ask you a question."
*dammit, what da fuck she gettin ready to ask me....mayn, it bet not be stupid cuz im sleepy as fuck and i will not hesitate to pull her muhfuckin card.*
"what yo?", i said in an agitated tone.
"cream, did you go down on her?"
*why in the fuck is that any of your damn bizness??? wha...you on pussy patrol or some shit? nosey heffa.*
"that aint none of ya bizness. what i did with her is between me and her. i will tell you this tho...i dont have ANY complaints."
i sat down on the floor and sipped my tea. the only sound on the phone was her exhaling....she must have been smokin a newport.
"well...ol girl...whats her name?", she asked.
"her name is noneofyadamnbizness.", i said chewin on my straw.
"whateva her name is...she cant love you like i do. i wanna give you the love you need. i know...."
*this bitch got me fucked up. she wanna give me the love i need but you cheated on me and wasnt even woman enough to admit the shit. you love me...but you was fuckin somebody else and lyin to me. *smh* dumb chics...damn yo.*
i interrupted her, "you have no damn idea what love is...much less how to love me like i need to be loved."
she laughed "and ol girl knows how to love you?"
*yo silly ass just dont know*
"hell yeah...she knows. she treats me like the queen i am. i thought that you were capable of that when i first met you...then after a while i realized that you were so used to dealin with scallywags..you didnt know what to do when you got a queen."
she sighed and said "cream, how many times do i have to tell you that i love you and i know i fucked up. i love you cuz you are different...you are the woman that i want to be with. not that bitch in jersey. i dont want nobody else but you", she said with her voice quivering like she was about to cry."look", i said gettin off of the floor, "like i said, i am happy where i am at. all we can be is friends...if and only if you respect my relationship with my girl. if you cant respect us....then i cant converse with you anymore." I leaned against my window and looked at my girl's picture on the wall.
"hell nah i aint gon accept that shit. i love you yo. you was supposed to ride with me this summer...we was supposed to do shit together. aint nobody gon love you like me. cream, admit that you still love me", she said.
she was crying.
for a milisecond, i almost felt bad for her....i dont like nobody sheddin tears....then i thought...
*aint my fault she fucked up....cry me a river beeeeeeooottcchhh*
"i guess you aint gon respect the fact that i am happily taken. and i never said i loved you sweetheart, i said i cared....neva said i loved you."
"you didnt have to...i know you love me."
"well, if you believe that shit....today is ya day cuz you damn sho are april's fuckin fool."
i hung up, laid back on my floor, and vibed to you dont know what love is by coltrane. peace....cream out.

bombs ova baghdad......i am so tired of this whole war thing. its crazy yo. people fail to stop and think that people are losing their lives. fuck how much aid our country is giving iraq. fuck how much money this war is costing. what about peoples lives? tonight, they said that our military killed over 100 iraqi soldiers. is that something to be proud of? thats 100 lives. you know how much goes into creating 1 life?? just think about that. those 100 soldiers are somebodys brother, husband, son, or friend. i am not even goin to talk about the civilians and our own soldiers being killed. it hurts me to even think about it....knowing that they feel the same way we felt on 9/11. you remember how you felt? that fear? they feel those feelings every damn day. enough about that..im gettin teary eyed. yes, cream has a sensitive side. next....mayn, 3 more papers and i will be free. i finished my law paper today. i have a total of 3 more papers to do this semester. cant wait til its ova. im tired of school but i know i have to keep going. i have to. i cant just think about myself...i have to think about my baby. yes, my baby. me and stinka have been talkin about me having a baby. i have always wanted kids. when i was younger, i said i wanted 8. now i want as many as the most high blesses me with. im goin to have a baby when i am 24. 24 is the same age that stinka had her first child and the age my mother was when she got pregnant with me. so, i gotta suck this school shit up. i want to give my child more than what my parents gave me. next...just in case yall didnt notice, i am in love right now. deeply in love. i said i wasnt goin to talk about my love life but dammit....i need to get this out. i love the way she sounds when she hears my voice....the way she laughs....the way she walks...wit a slight pimp....the way she holds me...like i am the most precious and fragile being in this world...the way she knows what i am feeling without me opening my mouth to tell her....the fact that she overstands me and i move her as much as she moves me. i could go on and on. yo, i have never felt like this before....like, i see me and her together sittin on our porch, me 65 and her 77....her sittin in between my legs while i am twisting her new growth.....us still laughin together like when i was 22 and she was 34. i see us together as long as i have breath in my body. stinka...is that your smile or a reflection of mine? next....i want to be held right now. just needed to get that out. bein in this room by myself gets so lonely sometimes. i want to be in a place where i am appreciated and loved...where i can chill and be comfortable. i wish i could blink myself home. oops, i forgot. i dont have one. ill have one soon enough....i am focused ladies and gents.

still cream.....there is a new link page....its plain as hell....no pics....just links (key words..link page)....but its there. peep it. i will be updatin it whenever i find somethin or someone who is interesting. oh...i didnt get no shout outs either. is anybody readin this??? all that hard work and nobody utilized the damn thing. again...its at the bottom of every post ("shout out") so you can comment on each individual post. the tagboard thing is just goin to be a guestbook kinda thing. if anybody is readin this...tell me what you think. next....i havent written in a couple of days....ive been doin a lot of readin and thinkin. i started this book of buddhist teachings and text and it has me open. its given me a new perspective. todays quote: "we attain wisdom not by creating ideals but by learning to see things clearly as they are. wisdom comes from directly observing the truth of our experiences."next...things have gotten better i guess. as much as artiste needed a vacation....i wish she was at school. i need a good conversation fo real. the last time i talked to her....i told her i had a night sky map and i saw jupiter. she is the only person in my space that appreciates that like i do. she doesnt think da kid is looney cuz i leaned out of my 6 story window just to take a picture of the moon. everytime we converse she reminds me that i am not the only one who thinks the way i do or feels the way i do. daz my buddy...sunday betta hurr up before i lose what sanity i have left. next...i work with a damn idiot. my immediate supervisor is super stupid. she just urks da fuck out of me. i gotta suck it up cuz i need my job but yo...i would love to kick her ass in the forehead. ill be workin on 1 thing that she asked me to do...then, she asks me to do something else. i do the work she doesnt want to do. if it involves gettin up...her ass dont wanna do it. just fuckin lazy. her dumb ass just sits at her desk all damn day. she tries to be friendly to me and shit...she should know by my face that i dont like her ass. her voice damn annoys the fuck out of me. today she asked me "so, cream....how is your love life?" *gettin heated* bytch...my love life aint none of ya damn bizness....i dont know you like that and even if i did...i dont like you and dont want to talk to you...so what makes you think that i would disclose any information about my personal life to you? huuhh...will i always be surrounded by people who annoy the fuck out of me? gone to sleep this bitterness off....peace.

stormy weather....this post might be kinda long so go get a snack, something to sip on, and get comfy. first of all, there is a comment link at the bottom of each post ("shout out"). sooooo...let a sista know whatcha think about each post. much love to artiste for showin me da bizness!!! you can still leave stuff in the tagboard thing too. aight...my spring break. well, it was ok. the highlight was meeting my stinka (ya'll knew i was gonna say that). anywhoo, we got to va around the same time. she went to the hotel to take a shower and all that. i came home, played with my dogs, and went a couple of places with my mom. stinka called me from down the street. i wasnt ready to see her at all....i hadnt taken a shower, started cookin, nothin. i was anxious to see her so i told her to come up the street. when i saw her car come up the hill, i got butterflies. she stepped out of the car and i was like daaayyyyuuummmm. she is so adorable and her locs are long as hell. she has the cutest babyface. i cooked jerk chicken, rice, and peas for her. to make the long story short, i really enjoyed myself with her. i have never met someone like her in my life. its like, we vibe so well together. thats my wife....i luh her ass. next..honey (ex #2) called me 50 billion times while i was home talkin bout she is goin to take me from my girl and she was goin to come see me. what part of "i dont want yo ass...i am happy with my woman" dont yo stupid ass undadig? next....home. i felt a lot while i was at home...a mixture of relief, depression, anger, happiness, and pain...with a side of bitterness. being there makes me feel sick. its a toxic place fo real. not literally....i just dont belong there. so are so many bad memories there....people, places, and bullshit i would like to forget. everytime i go back, it hurts me. its like, having a sore and everytime the scab forms, someone rips it off. i cant stay there and remain healthy. it has taken me soooo long to clean up all this shit in my life and i refuse to let home shovel more shit my way. when i graduate, i am moving to new haven, connecticut insha'allah. i love my fam but i am beginning to accept the fact that i cant be healthy around them either. i really dont like my mothers boyfriend...i have reasons to, believe me. anyway, he is supposed to be moving in to my mothers house in about a month. well yo, if he is there, i wont be. i love my mother but i dont have to live with her. she asked me how i felt about it...well, damn, what can i say? shit, its her house. so my damn opinion doesnt matter. so, like i said, if he is there, i wont be. i wont ask her to make a choice between me and her man, because as much as she says that she wouldnt choose someone over her kids, i know in this case she would. me and my brother are grown now and we have our own lives. so, she is goin to do her thing. of course i am hurt..but thats the way shit is. ***brief interruption*** the chic that lives beside me hasnt been home 2 hours and she is already fuckin. dammit. i bet her boyfriend was waitin to tap dat ass. damn shame. let me stop bein a hata. if my girl was here there would be no words but strip and strap. *gettin goose bumps* i hope my stinka comes to visit me before may. well let my neighbor know how good sex is supposed to sound. dammit. back to the topic...im slowly detaching myself from my fam. i dont feel like i can be myself around them. its like, everything i do is wrong. every damn thing. they have an issue with me bein a lesbian. my brother told my mother he doesnt understand why. my mother still thinks its a phase. aight ma....3 damn girlfriends is not a phase. as far as why....dammit i dont know why. thats just the way i am. would i intentially make my damn life more complicated than it is? hell nah. i have never felt this much...shit...in my life. im just tired yall. i feel like.....im walkin butt nekkid through a thunderstorm and there is nothing around me to shelter me...its rainin so hard i cant even see in front of me.....all i know is im walkin forward and im tryin to keep my head up but everytime i lift my head...the rain makes it hard to breathe...im cold, im tired of walkin, tired of cryin...yo, when will this shit stop?

the fruit i long to taste.......i decided to apply to be an resident advisor (ra) today. think i would be a damn good one actually. i have been livin in this hell hole for 3 1/2 years now. the fact that i wouldnt have to pay for my room and board and my meal plan is a plus too. thats $3,000 a semester that will either go back to the loan company or go into my pocket. more than likely, its goin to go in my pocket. the first thing i would do, is tell my mom that i didnt get the money. about a week later i would have a new living room set sent to the house. my mom's furniture isnt bad...its just kinda crappy. we have had it since we moved into the house we are in now....7 or 8 years. she deserves new furniture. when she worked, she always tried to save for one, but something always came up so she had to spend the money she set aside. i want to make her smile. next...i am sending my resume to a friend of my great uncle...hes the head of the probation/parole thing at home. my uncle told me that i am guaranteed a job there this summer. im prayin that it will count towards my internship because work experience counts toward those hours. that means i would be finished with that internship crap this summer. plus, i get to show off my skills...i might be getting my foot in the door for a job there when i finish school. that is, if i dont go to grad school. still thinkin about it. speakin of my great uncle....i am makin it a point to go chill with my great uncle when i go home. he needs a kidney transplant...he adopted children, never had any of his own so i told him i would give him one of mine. i am an organ donor anyway. why not give an organ to someone that i know?? a lot of peeps dont understand...they all say i am crazy for even thinking about it. the big ? is, what if i need my kidney when i get older? well, here is my answer. i believe that everything happens for a reason and my life was written before i was born. the most high knows best. so, if i gave him one of my kidneys and one day, i needed a kidney, thats the most high's will. i wont question it because thats his/her will, just like me giving one of my kidneys to my uncle. if i am a match and he decides that he wants it, thats also the most high's will. so, im not worried about "what if". i am a strong believer in insha'allah. next, i am trying to go to summer school and 1 of the 2 colleges at home. i am soooo focused. i am tryin to hurry up and graduate so i can start doin the damn thing. start building a life for myself. yall, pray for me. next...my damn exes. yo, today must be "call ya ex" day cuz all of them bamas called me today. i dont mind latia callin me. its just them other bamas. talkin bout they miss me and they still love me. what da farfenugen eva. i advise yall to get the freak (tryin to stop cursin) over me and move on with your lives because i have definitely moved on with mine. next...a friend of mine is goin through some things. i want to be there for her. i want to take the pain out of her heart and replace it with happiness....she deserves it. she doesnt deserve the pain she is goin through. im goin to try my hardest to bring some light to her. she is my friend...so thats my job. next...i am goin to stop eatin beef. decided today. i want to eventually become a vegan. i think it will happen in about a year. my mind was sooo clear when i was a vegetarian. i miss that..so i am doin it again. before i forget...my explanation of fatty-bangin. ok..i am a big capone-n-noreaga fan. in one of their songs they said "fatty bangin, fatty bangin...she's cold bangin". they say it a lot actually. well, i am thick chic...thick to most, fat to some. when i was younger, it used to bother me when people used to call me fat. now that i am older...my view has changed. i dont give a damn if you think i am thick, fat, whateva. freak a damn diet. i will not starve myself to try to live up to other peoples standards of beauty. i embrace my fatty. i love my pot belly dammit. yo, peeps can say i am fat..but thats all they can say. i am pretty, from what i hear and from what i know. i wear this very well. i am very well put together...neva sloppy looking. i am highly intelligent. i am a beautiful person. so, since thats all they can say...ill be that fat girl. you cant front tho...this fatty is bangin. aight...this post is long....im gone to bed. peace.

at your best you are love......damn i must be flyyy...this weekend was...different. oh, speakin of different, this post was supposed to be the different one....but someone is not on her job *cough* woo *cough*. so, the "different" post will happen one day...dont know when...but it will happen. anyway, i went shoppin this weekend. found this store that is similar to burlington coat factory...got my mom and my niece some clothes. got me a skirt. couldnt really find anything i like. cant wait until i get a sewing machine....create my own shit that i know for a fact nobody else has. i am goin to do something to that skirt...it looks too plain. its a denim skirt with a split up the front. i might have to bleach it or spray dye on it.....anything to give the damn thing some life. im bringing home soooo much stuff for my fam. i spoil them and i enjoy every minute of it. cream neva comes home empty handed. i went into the dollar store and found this soap called camay. when i was little, my mother used to buy camay all the time. thats when it was in the store next to dove. i used to think it was smelled soooo good. when i smelled it, it reminded me of baths in the big clawfoot tub in my old house. i bought 2 bars...they were 50 cents each. im goin back to get more soon. its amazin what you find in a dollar store. next...4 days til i see my fam and my stinka. feelins havent changed....im not nervous. the situation with her is so much different from the other 2 relationships i was in. its mature....its healthy. its like a breath of fresh air. i feel like i could barely breathe during both of my relationships with my exes and now that i am with her....i can breathe easy....breathe freely. i am in a relationship with someone that appreciates me....all of me. i found a woman with a fully functioning brain and dammit she uses it and she shares her knowledge and wisdom with me. finally found someone that has something to add to my mental table. she woos me. she intrigues me. she.....yall know the rest. happy 1 month anniversary to my stinka. im so proud to be your woman. i cant wait to lay in the bed with you and listen to duke and john coltrane's "in a sentimental mood" and just......be. aight...enough of the sappy shit....next...my smelly mood is been downgraded to slighty stank....thanks to jae, artiste, chay dub, and stinka. i feel a lot betta than i did a couple of days ago. just had some negative energy around me...im fine now. aight....im sleepy as hell. goin to bed. ill holla back lata. in the words of artiste....peaceezy.

ooooh nuthin......im not even goin to talk about how anxious i am to be goin home or how excited i am to finally be with my stinka. more than likely she will be home before i get there. the whole ride home, i am goin to be sleepin....i gotta rest up for my stinka. nah, im bullshittin. i am goin to be sleepin tho. not because of her....because i know i am not goin to get any sleep next week. i have 3 midterms and a paper next week. plus, i gotta clean my room, make cds for my fam, do laundry, get my nails and toes done, dye my hair, and go shoppin for a new outfit to wear to the club. (its still on dub) so, da kid wont be sleepin very much. i look at it like....those are the hurdles i have to jump so i can get home to my fam and my stinka. next...why in the hell is it that now that i am in a relationship....peeps are on my clit??? comin out of the cracks like roaches. when my light was on and i wanted to be in a serious relationship....they ran and hid. when i turned my light off and hung up my availability hat....they haulin ass out the cracks. *smh* its cool tho. im flattered......im taken tho. next...my stress level has not been downgraded. i havent been drinkin any merlot....still got some left. im bein a good girl tho.....havent cussed anybody out....been tempted to tho, i aint gon lie. i am so tired of my job. well, not really my job...its the secretary i work with. im not goin to go into it real deep....she just makes me wanna kick her repeatedly. cant wait til i graduate so i can tell her to suck mi rasssss. the way shit is goin with my stupid ass school...who knows when that will be...a year...a year and a half....i dont know. aint thinkin bout it right now....im focused on right now. i know this is a short post....i gotta study for my damn history midterm. my next post is goin to be...different. *evil laugh* here is my laugh for the day. lata.

landslide.....i cant wait for spring break. i know yall are tired of hearin it but dammit....its the truth. so much is goin on at 1 time...its hectic. i must be on a damn red alert cuz shit is gettin to me. im more emotional than usual. im in a new relationship, a full time stressed out college student, an artist with no time to create, and I am tryin to live my life. sometimes, like today, i get real frustrated. i walked from work with tears in my eyes....all the way home. i know i have to be strong but i am tired of bein strong. tired of school. tired of the people that i work with (i want to slap the piss out of some of them). tired of workin a job that dont pay shit. tired of needed shit and not bein able to get it. tired of bein taken for granted. tired of bein tired. last night, i got a bottle of merlot. drank a glass and chilled. i havent drank in a minute...so i know i am real damn stressed. next...i said i wasnt goin to talk about me and my girl on my blog cuz you can never hear her side of things but dammit...im makin an exception today. when we talk, ill post her feelins about the situation. aight here are mine.....the one time i needed her to listen....she wasnt there. i dont talk about my issues....the real personal ones....to anybody. i was ready to pour my heart to her and she wasnt there. as my woman, i need her to be there for me. i need her to listen to me....not just hear me. i need her to undadig my feelins. i need her to be my woman. im finna take a hot shower, sip my last glass of merlot, and go to bed. peace.

stopped combin my mind so my thoughts can lock......i am in the midst of an evolution of myself...vibin...listenin to basin street blues by miles...sippin on some orange juice...smellin like nubian musk and cocoa butter...another night alone. dont get it fucked up...i am enjoyin my own company.....aint nothin like ya own...cuz i neva disappoint myself. i always can depend on my good ol' self (self i luh you) to stimulate my senses...make me feel this jazz comin out of my speakers....sendin my mind on a rhythmic trip...makin every centimeter of my body relax. uhhh ohhhhh...i feel a freestyle comin.........you are my flame and my light.....i burn for you like a perfectly rolled spliff....takin your mind on journeys...journeys into the depths of yourself....igniting instant intoxication....upliftin your mind into the ionosphere...takin you higher....into a permanent state of bliss...extinguishing your voracious mental munchies with exquisite cuisine ....made fresh from my soul's kitchen....feedin ya cerebellum more than any before me....i soothe your cerebral hemisphere's state of thirst by givin you a tall glass of water from my well of life experience....copyrighted foreva by cream baby. for all yall bitin muhfuckas. thats all for now folks. had more....forgot it..my mind moves much faster than my hands lil daddy. next.....my ex has been callin me a lot lately. talkin to her doesnt bother me anymore...she used to urk da shit out of me...like the sound of her voice used to make me wanna scream....i guess when i accepted her as she was...faults, issues, and all and let go of all the anger and bitterness i had for her....she aint so bad. she doesnt irritate me half as much as she used to. dont get me wrong....she irritates me sometimes. she aint no exception....errbody irritates me at some point. when i talk to her, i wonder how we were ever in a relationship. we are total opposites....like i said before, those opposites attracted us, but they also broke us up. you know how people say "we werent on the same page". me and my ex werent in the same book. it was like...jill scott datin da brat....it just didnt work. now, we both are involved and both happy....we are cool as hell now....she inspires da kid to laugh and maybe she came back into my life for that reason. da kid needs some laughter in her life....school is pissin me off. 13 days til sunrise. i need a fuggin break...i need some time not think about anything school related. next....in....my....solitude....billie is singin me asleep. i wish i could have met her, marvin gaye, and bob marley. i would have billie sing while i wrote and we would talk about havin the blues, i would sip merlot and play in bob's locs while he smoked a spliff while he told me all about haile selassie, the places he performed, and who inspired him to write "waiting in vain", and me and marvin would sing every song on his "here my dear" album and talk about love and the state of this world. i can always dream...dammit. *today's lesson*: the key to havin patience is findin somethin else to do while you wait. aight....thats enough fo now. ill holla.