shat....i gotta buy a fuggin dryer. aint that bout a b? my mother called me while i was at work and told me that our dryer kicked the bucket. my grandmother was willing to purchase one for my mother but of course, my mom would have to hear about it later. damn shame but its truth. luckily, i have a little bit of credit on my credit cards, some money in my checking account, and some money in my savings account. so, tomorrow morning i will be buying my first big appliance. i'm kinda bummed because my savings account will be wiped out for a minute but the savings account is for times like this. as always, its me to the rescue. i am determined to let this purchase be the last "bail out". my cards are damn near maxed out not because i have went shopping like a maniac but because i loan money to my fam and i take care of my mom. it stops tomorrow. i'm determined to pay off all of this damn debt that i have. its not that bad but still, if i didnt have so much credit card debt i would have more money to put away in a savings account. next...i went to see janet jackson in concert last week. i had so much damn fun. the people around me intrigued me. women of all races, sizes, and styles. it was a beautiful sight. the women didnt look like clones of each other. everyone seemed to have their own individual style. it was awesome. my fro was amongst fros which was different than what i am used to in va. the big girls were stylish as hell. made me proud. lol. janet was awesome. i sat about 4 or 5 rows from the stage. i could see everything. she is shorter than i thought. thighs and booty thick as hell too. at 42, she was keepin up with those young dancers. i hope that i age as well as she has. i saw her "all for you" tour and it was different from this one. she sung more of her older songs in the most recent concert. there was a chic in front of me that looked like she studied every damn janet jackson video and was performing along with janet. i couldnt stop crackin up. all in all, i enjoyed the concert thoroughly. i cant wait to go to another concert. dc is pretty damn nice. i liked riding the train to the verizon center. that was what my niece liked the most. seems like you wouldnt really need a car if you lived there. parking is so damn expensive and hard to find that riding the train seems more practical. im determined to get my license and a car soon so i can go out of town and experience more than this boring ass town. i'm diggin driving now. its not as scary or as hard as i thought. i'm getting better and better at it. i cant wait until i finally get my own car. i think i want a chevy impala, toyota camry, or a nissan altima or maxima. i like the heaviness of a chevy. i drove my sister in law's kia and i hated it. it was entirely too damn light. being able to get up and go when i want and stay for as long as i want is awesome. next....my love life might be taking a huge turn. not for the bad tho. kris might be moving here before the end of the year. ive only lived with someone for 3 months. those 3 months werent that bad. woo and i learned a lot about it each other and i learned a lot about relationships. i had a lot of growing up to do. people are different when you live with them. you dont truly know someone until you live with them. im a lil nervous but i think it will be ok. ive never thought about taking that step with someone. well, i have thought about it but ive never actually been this close to doing it. its crazy. like jay-z said "even grass grows" so i guess its time for me to trade in my independence for interdependence and develop and nurture a mature relationship. not that i havent had a mature relationship. i guess i just didnt think that far in the future. there was always talk about one of us moving together and all that but it never happened. now, i just have to woman up and be unafraid and optimistic. i tend to think what might go wrong in a situation. when she was here, we didnt argue once. most of our arguments are because of the distance. that will soon be history. not saying we wont argue because she is bound to get on my nerves or irritate me occasionally and vice versa. the only difference will be, instead of me hanging up on her, i will have to leave the house or something. lol. we have also been talking about me having a child. im kinda nervous about that situation too. not so much being a parent because i have wanted to have a child for some years. im just afraid the damn syndrome shit i have will make things so much more complicated to conceive. my doctor told me that she will give me some kind of medication to make me ovulate. i am praying that i conceive the first time i try. we have a donor already. he is nervous about the whole situation too. i always thought it was easy for a man to have sex with a woman with absolutely no strings attached. lol. thats enough for now. in a minute. peace and love. prolific out.

u dont know.......i know i havent written in a while. i just havent felt like it in all honesty. my writing is directly correlated to my reading so if im not really reading, im not writing either. its not like i dont have stuff to write about because trust, i do. right now im feeling a mixture of anger, stress, frustration, and loneliness. i must, for my own sanity, get focused and make my situation better. i havent been this unhappy since before i left for college. im not happy with my workplace. the job itself is cool, the workplace is not. ctfu.....on a side note. im at work and im listening to pandora.com. if you havent tried it, its fantastic. my station just started playing "wu-tang clan aint nothin to fuck with". lmao. i thought that shit was so hard when it first came out. its making me crack up thinking about the asian people at the racial draft on dave chappelle. ummm, where was i? oh, my so called life. it could be a lot worse but hell, it could be a lot better. i feel like ive wasted the last three years of my life. i havent been as productive as i should have been or could have been. i should have had my drivers license. im determined to get it before kris comes here. i need to save but really cant afford it because of all the damn bills i have. my life seems to be going so fast but fulfillment is coming so slow. i want to do something have i enjoy and get paid for it. i think everyone does, actually. i would love to write or take photos all day.....perfect my art.....have time to read books and study my art. this square life is so not me, so boring, so bland. like eating bologna sandwiches everyday for 3 years. its a constant battle between the rational, "i know i got bills to pay, i have to have insurance, i have to have a 401k, i have to be a responsible adult" and the rebel...."i have to live out and pursue my dreams". i refuse to stop dreaming. if i stop dreaming, i might as well die. art is what keeps me sane....its what moves me...soothes me....eases the stress of long days....makes me smile even when the world seems to be shittin on me...art is my life. next....ive been in a relationship with kris for a little over 4 months. it started out rough....really rough. i spent 3 years off and on with the same person so when we got into a relationship, she was foreign to me. kinda like dropping me in the middle of mars. we are finally getting used to each other. easy conversation has taken the place of heated discussions that led to attitudes and hurt feelings. we still have a lot of learning to do but like everything that is great, it takes time and patience. ok, thats my update for a minute. gotta get my shit together. in a minute. peace and love....prolific out.

pssst....sometimes when i wake up, i ask myself....is this really my life or am i just having a bad dream? i know its been a while but i really havent felt like writing or doing much of anything for that matter. ive gone back in my shell again. maybe writing would help my situation. might try it. might not. right now im up after working for 10 hours and arguing for 3. sleep wont touch me right now. hasnt touched me in 2 weeks without the assistance of tylenol pm's. anyway, ill be back. mi soon come. in a minute....maybe an hour....peace and patience....prolific out.

ragin......i just ate a cherry and my tongue and ears are itching. ok...let me add cherries to the list of things im allergic to. smh. i cant eat apples for the same reason. i know that was random as hell but shat, this is my blog and ill write what i want. next...ive been off from work since last thursday....a forced vacation because the cold from hell attacked me. now that i can finally breathe out of my nose somewhat, ill be back to work on friday. i guess my immune system not fighting off this cold was a message from my body that said "ho sit down". lmao. i needed a break...i needed time to just think and be easy. i still have 3 days of holiday time coming up that i have to take before the end of june so ill have another vacation coming up soon. with all the bullshit that has been going on at work, i deserve it. i wish i had the money to fly to cali for a week. that would be outstanding. since times are hard, all i can do is dream. its a damn shame that a gallon of milk and a gallon of gas costs the same. you gotta decide if you want to eat cereal or drive to work in the morning. i plan on saving a lot more money than i have in the past. my bills are kicking my ass but if i can save by buying margarita mix and a big bottle of cuervo instead of going out to fridays every week, im going to do it. i dont know what im saving for....all i know is i have been living a life of excess and im trying tone it down a lil. i have a friend that is inspiring me sooo much but she probably doesnt even realize it. she was in a deeeeeep funk about 6 months ago. a real deep depression. then, one day she just came out of it. almost like she was in a cocoon for about a year in then she became a butterfly. every day, im trying to live my life. people get so caught up with bullshit that they forget to LIVE. life is so fuckin precious and hell, the next second is not promised. its a constant struggle to LIVE and not just exist. next....i have a sense of humor. a big one, actually. its a little weird...everyone i allow in my space understands it but mostly everybody else doesnt. sometimes i get a lil sensitive. i have certain things i dont joke about......my intelligence, my body, my accent, my family, and my money. everything else is fair game. i think i forgot to let someone know that once i let you in.....once i have allowed u into my space.....your opinion matters to me. a random person walking down the street can call me a fat bitch and i just cuss them out and keep it moving...totally out of my feelings. if a person that i have allowed in my space says anything about my weight...whether its meant to be negative or not...im in my feelings. i might not spazz, but ill definitely say something about it...and it might not be nice. i live in the south, so i have a slight southern accent. ok, i have a thick southern accent if im not really focused on how i pronounce my words. i hate it when people mimic it or think the shit is funny. mainly because people from the south that talk like me are considered uneducated, ignorant, gullible, bamas. just based on the way they talk. i dont speak perfect american english. never have and probably never will. im more intelligent than almost every person i know that doesnt have a southern accent. i defy the "southern people are stupid and gullible" theory every day. whaaaaaaaaaaat. im a big girl....40 pounds past thick. i hear enough shit about my weight everytime i go to a damn doctor or every time i get sick. its always "well, u should lose some weight". kiss my fat ass, how bout that? every day there is someone or something telling me that i am unhealthy and unattractive. maintaining the self esteem i have and accepting my body how it is...is an every day struggle for me. im 5'5" but i wear an 11 in women's shoes and have long fingers. i think i was supposed to be tall but it just didnt happen that way. for the longest time i felt so fuckin awkward about my appearance. felt like i was unattractive and weird looking because i didnt look like other chics. like i said, its an everyday struggle. my family just goes without saying. they may be dysfunctional and crazy but the bottom line is, they are mine. we share the same blood and they are me and i am them. i may be a lil different but hell, when it comes down to it, ill spazz just like them. i can talk about them but i dare someone to say anything negative about them. they are my family so i can talk about them. that being said, choose your words wisely. once you've said something, you cant take it back. next....i picked up my anais nin "henry and june" book from the library this evening. i cant wait to start reading it. im going to try to finish it in a week. we'll see how that goes. aight, i think ive written enough. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

frus-tra-tion.....frustration is a helluva emotion. frustrations about work make me want to use alllllll of my paid leave...go some where new, see new things, meet new people. be new. sexual frustration has me entirely too familiar with my right hand. yesterday, i looked at my yoni for the first time in a long time. usually, i just wash it or stroke it. i never take the time to look at it....really examine it. weird, i know. most women dont know their bodies like that. ive decided to make it a point to know mine. anyway, my yoni didnt look the same for some reason. i guess my opinion of it has changed since the last time i saw it. its been abused...its had unwelcomed entrances...and besides the whole polycystic thing, its healthy. sometimes i sit and wonder if ill ever be completely sexually satisfied. in all honesty, ive never been completely sexually satisfied. ive had orgasms that brought me to tears and have had sexual experiences that would make the average woman blush but i have never been completely satisfied. im 27 years old....basically in my sexual prime. i want to try new things....ive been reading up on s&m heavy. i want to explore my sexuality and experience things ive only read about. ive havent been intimate with anyone since november of 2007. i think im wayyyyy overdue for some sexual gratification. my woman needs to hurry up and come out here. speaking of my woman, she is frustrated too. when i look at her on cam sometimes, she looks like she wishes she could jump through the cam and kiss me. talking on the phone while we are on cam is the closest thing we have ever had to a face to face conversation. this long distance thing gets frustrating at times. i wish she was here right now because i have a cold from hell and i know she would take care of me. buuuut....she is 2000 miles away. next....*sigh* my desktop pc is fucked up. the screen on the monitor looks like it has waves in it. sucks monkey's ass. anyway, a dude on the forum i frequent told me to buy a new video card and install it. praise moses for stimulus checks. came in just the nick of time. i plan to pay some bills with the rest of it. i was off this weekend and pretty much didnt do anything interesting. well, i bought a wig. lmao. yes, a wig. you could say me buying a wig is symbolic in a way. im bored with my hair but i dont want to perm it. a wig is a change thats not permanent...but just enough change to satisfy me for a couple of days. im going through this self image thing again. sometimes i think im the hottest chic in the world and sometimes i feel like crud. in all honesty, i think its the whole hormone imbalance caused by the syndrome shit. i think its time i start taking my birth control again. maybe that would help it but damn i hate taking it because its not like i need it for contraceptive reasons....its because i wont come on my period without it. it makes my boobs feel like somebody river danced on them. going down stairs is nooo joke. it doesnt help that i have to pay $30 every month for them. smh. thats enough for now. in a minute.....maybe 2....peace and love...prolific out.

freewriting....voices low, moonlit easy conversations, filled with giggles and confessions of emotions unexperienced prior to her introduction. butterflies dance and tickle my stomach when she confesses her love for me. for me....not what i look like, what i have, what i know, or how much of a freak i am....just...for...me being me. i share memories of loves burned, tear stains, and bruises of the heart when i feel like showing her a piece of my soul. i can tell she has seen the stories i tell every time she looks into my eyes. the brown resembling the earth, that like my heart, has been flooded by disappointment and broken promises. she knits her brow, meets my gaze with strong, focused, eyes and smiles as if she holds the cure to my heart disease. i came to her broken like the levies in new orleans. mentally starved. emotionally depleted. stagnant feelings engulfed me. then came spring...she brought forth new growth and melted the ice the winter had left around my heart. what had taken months or years in the past to form has taken only seven days. touched me 2000 miles away like the sun and awakened the seeds of love and and renewed trust. she loves me with no hesitation or reservations...determination....determined to love me successfully...totally...the way no one has in the past. she loves me like there is no tomorrow because our future is right now. she says when she looks at me, its like watching her first sunrise. she looks at my imperfections as if they were perfect...i say, her love feels like my very first orgasm....slow to come...scary...but unlike anything i have ever felt. scary because despite how she is proving over and over that she is not them....5 heartbreaks have left some scars. slowly...surely...she is healing each one. in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

believe.....im finally off from work. i have to work for the next 3 days and then im off again. im starting to value the time i spend off from work. ive been trying to do more with my time than just chill around the house. ive been getting back into french, thanks to spanish fly. (more about her in a minute). we started talking because i told her that i would help her learn french. i took french for a total of 5 years but i cant speak it fluently. im working on that now. ive also been reading more. i believe reading makes me a better writer. when i dont read, i dont write well. ive been like a damn readaholic. lmao. reading everything i can get my hands on. anyway, im studying photography a whole lot more. summer is coming up and i want to take maaaaaad photos. i want to start my portfolio. might start scrap booking like my brother's wife.
ok.....spanish fly. miss guatemala. what started on a humble ended up something quite bigger. started out teaching her french...to speaking in french on the phone...to conversations about what was going on in my life at the time...to her voice being my alarm clock. sometimes i wonder if she is thinking about me like im thinking about her and then.....she calls. it happened so fast....almost like when we met, we were what each other needed at the time. i was the person she needed to talk to and vice versa. what i dig most about her is the fact that like me, she thinks a lot. she has a beautiful mind. we're both trying to make sense out of life....trying to figure out where to go and what needs to be done to get there. its not even on some ol lust type shit either. instead of talkin about how big her strap is or how she is gonna bang my back out....we debate about politics, things that are going on in the world, and trivial shit like why not to drink cow's milk. she is conscious...definitely not a sheep. she digs my mind....wants to know what's behind these sad eyes of mine. she sings raheem devaughn to me....."with affection like a dreamer, with patience and understanding, like a teacher with a student, vice versa promise not to hurt you, not to leave, not to lie, not to cheat, not to fuss, not to stress, like the rest in your past. believe me I ain't like most men. I ain't like them others you then dealt with in the past, just have some faith, that is all I ask, believe in me." as i said before, im not rushing into anything. im still single. ive been in too many fucked up relationships to rush into something before im sure that im ready to open myself up again. opening myself up is the hard part. am i ready for a rebirth of love? yeah. opening myself up and exposing my dreams, my desires, my heart....thats the hard part. ive never been in a smooth relationship....the type of relationship that has a couple of bumps in the road but mostly smooth. ive never been in a relationship that didnt have a huge conflict of some sort. it was always something. *sigh* im ready for healthy love. im ready for a love that makes me smile more than i cry. im determined not to bring past bullshit into a new situation. i am going to make sure that i come grown, fresh, and new. its funny how every day that passes....im starting to believe a lil more. in a minute....peace and faith....prolific out.

pleasure.....ive met someone. im practicing not expecting anything. it is what it is...im enjoying right now. she makes me laugh...which is something that is needed right now. she can buy me a drink but hasnt been on this earth as long as me....not that it matters. she has sun kissed skin, dark deep set eyes, and kissable lips that keep a spanish speaking tongue at bay. whats behind all that remains to be seen. ive entered into this situation with an open mind and a closed heart. it takes more than love to move me. love hasnt been enough in too many situations in my life for me to really value it by itself. it has to be accompanied by honesty and respect before i will consider welcoming it again. the city girl with the bright eyes left a bad bruise on this heart of mine. im starting to think about sex a lot more. for a while, i would go days without even thinking about kissing someone. there has been so much time wasted on dealing with negative sexual experiences that the ones ive actually enjoyed were few and far between. im looking forward to the day i finally feel deeply about someone to share my body with them. until then, im celibate.
i applied for the supervisor position that came available at my job. not to sound pessimistic, but i probably wont get it. too much bullshit surrounding it. hell, the position might not exist in 6 months. its hard times out here....the economy is suckin ass. budget cuts galore. people having to choose between filling up their gas tanks and eating the next day. damn shame. im looking forward to my stimulus check. maybe i can pay some of these credit cards off. i still need to spring shop since i cant wear anything that shows my tattoos at work. no sleeveless shirts for me. speaking of tattoos, i want another one. im aiming to get one around june. i want a big one this time. i would love to get a phoenix to cover up the cat on my back. i havent seen any pictures of phoenixes that i actually like tho. might have to get somebody to draw me one. thats enough for now. in a minute....peace and pleasure....prolific out.

2 miles...tonight i got on the elliptical machine and pushed my legs until i felt like they were going to detach from my body. i fought the urge to stop....pushed through the pain. 2 miles later, i came to this realization. i have slowly turned into what i despise. i feel like im drowning in roanoke and its an everyday struggle to keep my head above it. i have no idea where to begin to get back to me but trust and believe, i am. in a minute...peace and love...prolific out.

sabbatical.....damn. in front of my computer at 4 am knowing that i have to go to work. at least i dont have to be there until 3. i just got off the phone with the ex and im a little angry. nah, scratch that. im fuckin HOT. i dont know what it is about her that makes me want to reach out and lay hands on her and im not talkin about tender touches either. im talkin bout kimbo slice punches to the throat. we have gotten into a disagreement about something almost every time we have talked since i broke up with her. im so angry right now i have tears in my eyes. i guess the reality of the past 2 years have finally slapped the shit outta me. i was a damn fool for following my heart instead of listening to what my mind kept screamin. 2 years later, 3902902390 tears later, 2 trips later, 28294494 phone calls later, im in no better position (relationship wise) than i was when i met her. hate is such a strong word so i wont say that i hate her. she just isnt one of my favorite people right now. i hope all the bad things in the world happen to her and only her so she could feel a fraction of the humiliation, disappointment, and pain that i feel. karma is an evil bitch. sometimes i wonder what the hell i did to deserve this shit. whatever it was, im entitled to some reparations because karma tapped my ass too many times. its like that bitch is stuck on me. she needs to move the fuck on to the ex. hurr up too. shat. i need to get outta my feelings and attempt to go to sleep. in a minute....peace and love....prolific out.

lesson learned.....im wide awake when im tired as hell but for some reason i cant sleep. i got up and got online and read my horoscope for today. it said "It's time to make love work now that Venus is moving through your sign. Fortunately, happiness is possible as long as you don't expect a miracle. This is not a time for frivolous or childish romance. Instead, focus your attention on the practical side of relationships. It's better to sustain your feelings than to have them overwhelm you and quickly pass. hmmmm, i say. i dont know how to feel about my breakup. its been a week so its still fresh. so many different feelings at one time. the biggest one is relief. im hurt but im aight. nah, im more than aight...im great. its weird. ive never felt like this before in my life. You cut me deep bitch, cut me like surgery. And I was too proud to admit that it was hurtin' me. I'd never do that to you, at least purposely. We breakin' up again, we makin' up again.... ive never been hurt like this before in my life. it is like getting stabbed and having the knife twisted over and over but then finally getting the strength to pull the knife out and tend to the wound. ive cleaned up the wound but its far from being healed. i get lonely, especially at night. i cry, sometimes until i fall asleep. sometimes its just a tear here and there. i try to keep myself busy so that i dont have time to think about it. most of the time, it doesnt work. i have cleaned my room throughly, organized my drawers, files on my computer, and my closet tho. think ive done all of those things at least 3 times now. valentines day is coming up and it sucks being single for 3 valentines days in a row. thats life tho. you never know what tomorrow will bring or even if you will be here to see it. having health issues for the past month has opened my eyes. i just gotta keep it movin and LIVE each day...love more, laugh more, learn more. i still believe in love. like i always say, just because you have a nightmare doesnt mean you stop dreamin. i will still love with every cell in my body. i will still love passionately, like its the first time. i will still i still believe that my neo is out there. maybe she just isnt ready for me or maybe im not ready for her. at this point, im just lettin things be. ....I love you and hate you at the very same time. See what I want so much should never hurt this bad. Never did this before, that's what the virgin says. We've been generally warned, that's what the surgeon says. God talk to me now, this is an emergency......in a minute....peace and love...prolific out.

trainspotting part deux.....the night before last, my side felt like somebody was stabbing me. its happened before. doctor didnt know why it happened, just gave me some pain medicine and an antibiotic and sent me on my way. im a strong believer in what ever happens to you, whether its good or bad, happens for a reason. while i was laying in my bed dealing with that damn pain, i just started thinking. ive been bummed out for a while now. started way before the new year. i have been thinking about what i need to do for myself. first of all, i need to give some people that have a seat in front row of my life an eviction notice. not everybody is meant to be in the front row. especially when they arent adding anything positive to my life. i will be 27 on tuesday, most high willing. ive wasted too much time being unhappy. it has been a big lesson that i believe ive learned. things dont make you happy. people dont make you happy. sex doesnt make you happy. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. its taken me so fuggin long to grasp that concept. ive been so fuggin responsible for other people's happiness that i became irresponsible when it came to my own. so, if you arent adding something positive to my life, im officially cutting you off. i choose happiness. in a minute....peace and happiness....prolific out.