on the road again.........i go home today. my brother and his friend are picking me up. usually i would be excited to go home but i have a paper to write once i get there. every morning when i get up, im going to work on it. when i finally finish that paper i am going to reward myself with a bottle of coconut rum. other than write my paper, i plan on chillin with my mom, taking some pictures, and doing a little shopping. da kid is in desperate need of clothes. i have a bunch of dress clothes for work but i dont have any casual clothes. it sucks. i want to dress more ladylike without being prissy. anyway, i am anxious to see my niece. that is my little munchkin. she is so damn smart. i dont want to see anyone i graduated with or i associated with when i was in high school. i dont like talking to them....you werent all friendly and shit in high school and the only reason why you are talking to me is because you are a nosey muhfucca so save me and you some time and dont speak to me at all. keep it movin. next.....work. i walked to work this morning and walked home this afternoon. it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. it was a 15 minute walk. i needed the walk...it gave me some time to think. im gettin a tad bit irritated with my job. it is one of the most unorganized businesses i have ever seen before. the schedule changes every day it seems like. they still have me down for the wrong damn hours after i have changed it twice. so, i say fuck it, ill come in at the time i said i would and i dare a mofo to say something. i have to check 4 or 5 times to make sure my time off request was seen and approved. damn shame yo. i was looking around yesterday....there isnt a black supervisor in my department. hmmm. i really dont feel like i will be there for too much longer. i enjoy the job but the work environment is fucked up. sometimes, i get tired of getting screamed at or people saying they want to speak to my supervisor and the supervisor tells them the same thing that i told them...dumbasses. last night, a lady called that was friggin nutty. she was screaming at me because she was charged 9.95 and she cancelled her internet service....i had to turn the volume down on the phone and i asked her to stop yelling at me. she got this sarcastic tone with her....yo....i wish i could have cursed her out. i would have said "bitch, calm ya nerves so i can help your ass....yellin at me like you are insane is not going to help me help you...yelling at me will only make me put you on hold and so you can listen to the elevator music until the cows come home." i kept her on hold for about 10 minutes....i went to pee, washed my hands, got some water, and then came back to my phone. i know i know...that was mean but damn, she was an evil bitch. today, a man started cursing at me. i put him on mute and laughed for about 2 minutes. he accepted a free month of the service and didnt call back before his next billing date so he got billed. ok...ima tell yall some good shit. for all the dial up folks, when you call to cancel and they offer you free months...cancel the fuckin account if you really dont want it. if you dont call back by the next billing date (after the free month/s), you will be billed again. the account is still open when you accept those free months. its fucked up, but true. aint nothing damn free so save yourself some time and cancel the service. *gettin off of my soapbox* next...i finally told her how i felt this summer. well, its not like i didnt tell her...i just didnt tell her the whole thing. i mean, this summer was a hell of an experience. i learned a lot about myself and a lot about her. i cried when i told her because i have held it in for so damn long. she said she didnt know that she hurt me so much. im not going to get into details about the situation but i will say that she hurt me this summer.....she seriously hurt me. i would have liked to sit down and tell her how i felt face to face but we are a million miles away it seems like. i want to see her again but my money isnt looking right at all. she isnt going to come see me and my money is funny so i dont know when the next time i will see her. i hope its soon because a visit is long overdue. aight, thats enough for now. in a minute.....peace, chitlins, and greens.....cream da southern gul....out.

stripped......i have no appetite. the smell of food is making me sick. i know i sound like a pregnant womyn but uhhh....hell no. i have so much on my mind that food is the last thing i want. i was sick last week...i dont know where i got the damn cold from but damn the person for giving me their germs. i usually dont get sick. well, its gone now. i fought it off like a champ. next....i couldnt sleep last night...i tossed and turned...i finally decided to turn on the tv. i accidently pushed 4 instead of pushing 43 and there was a preacher on. so, i watched it. now, im not one to watch religious television...i havent been to church in about a year and a half either. the sermon was about looking back at your past and how looking back makes you lose focus on whats in front of you. i have been looking back on my past for so long that i have almost completely lost focus of whats in front of me. ive been so consumed with bullshit that happened to me that i am preventing myself from prospering....from living. after the preacher went off, anger filled my body. but, for what? its my fault that i did what i did but then i thought...dammit cream, you are doing the shit again. so, i got up and wrote everything i was feeling at the time, which turned out to be 8 pages of tear stained words and the deepest shit i have wrote in a long time. now that i have gotten it out, im going to look forward. looking backward did nothing for me but put crooks in my neck and locks on my brain. next...i really dont know how well i will do this semester...im working on my theory paper...praying to the most high that i pass it. as far as my other classes, i really havent cared this semester. so, whatever my grades are, i have to deal with it. im going to deal with the mess i made this semester and move on to the spring semester. no sense in looking back...its not going to change what has already happened. next...its time to cut my grass again. i have this feeling that there are a couple of snakes out there. aight...thats enough for now.....i gotta go to the bank. oh...before i forget. my tagboard is down soooo, leave your comments in the comments link at the end of each post. i want to know whats on your mind. ok...that being said....in a minute....peace and serenity....cream out.

10 minutes.......i have 10 minutes until i leave for work but i feel like writing so dammit thats what im going to do. lately, i havent had much motivation to do anything but work....and i feel the motivation for my job plummeting. thats another story tho. school is so damn important but i admit that i havent given my all this semester. i have given about 45%. im just not interested anymore. it took me 4 years to find out what i want to do and it has nothing to do with my major. my degree will be something to fall back on just in case things dont work out with all my other interests. just in case yall dont know, i want to start a couple of businesses and publish a couple of books. i also want to learn how to build a computer. <----that will be accomplished next semester. i dig computers almost as much as i dig writing....almost. oh well, i have to get on the grind for the remainder of this semester because i damn sure dont want to stay in this bitch for another year. hell to da nah...my sanity couldnt take that. aight....ill holla lata...gotta go to work...in a minute...peace and tranquility...cream out.

infinite possibilities.......like the new layout??? i was tired of seeing the other one. im working on another one just in case i get tired of this one. i was inspired by some black and white photography that i was looking at. the womyn at the top is n'dambi....one of my favorite singers. if you dont have any of her music...you are missing some good shit. her cd is worth every dime you pay for it. next....my trip home was cool...short but cool. my niece is so damn smart yo. when we pulled up, she ran up to me and grabbed one of my legs. she fell asleep on my breasts and i feel asleep too. me and my mother sat on the porch and looked at the eclipse. it was beautiful but scary at the same time. it felt good to be home. im looking forward to thanksgiving. when i got back here, i slept sooo good. that was the best sleep i have had in a while. next...i registered for my classes last night. i have a bunch of crap basically because they arent offering anything good next semester. the only thing that i am excited about is my computer repair class. i decided to take it as one of the 3 electives that i have to take before i graduate. the only issue is, it is off campus. so, im going to have to find a way there and back. over thanksgiving or christmas break, im going to get my license. the car will come soon after that. i am so tired of depending on people. i just want to get in my car, put 2 fingers in the air, and go. i want to go so many places and do so many things and the only thing that is stopping me is transportation. i got some things on my mind....ill holla lata...in a minute...peace....cream out.

on the road again........i have my bags pack and im ready to go. as soon as i got up, i raised my binds to see how the sky looked. it is soooo damn sunny outside and we havent had a sunny day in a week. i praise the most high for making this trip possible. he/she thinks i need it right now....i always wanted to go home but was never able to. i can hear my great-grandma in my head "baby, god doesnt give you what you want, he gives you what you need." its funny how i can still hear my great-grandma, great-aunts, and my grandfather in my head. i think they are my guardian angels....they whisper things in my ear that i need to hear at the time. ok, im getting teary eyed. next...i didnt go to sleep until 2:30 am. i was up worried...the kind of worried that has you pacing the floor or drumming your fingertips. i know she is a grown as woman....but she doesnt have a cell phone and she hadnt called me. she said she would call me and she didnt. i got a phone call from her when she got home and i had an attitude...damn right i had an attitude. i couldnt sleep because i was worried about her......*what if something happened to her while she was driving?, what if something happened to her while she was in ny?, why hasnt she called me yet....she would have called me if she was aight* i was also salty about the fact that we hadnt had a convo....i talked to her for a minute at work and we talked for a minute online. i usually dont get to talk to her until i get home from work....since it was my day off, i figured we would talk a little more than usual. you know what they say about assumptions right? we just got off of the phone.....her with an attitude. im gettin ready to hit the highway.....the beef is deaded on my end. i dont like going to sleep or on a trip angry. next.....i cant wait to see my niece...i talked to her last night and she told me she wanted some candy. so, before we leave im going to get her a big bag of candy. i spoil that child like she is my own. when i look at her, i see me when i was her age. the only differences are, from what i hear are, i didnt like candy, i was lighter, and i didnt have my father. she makes me want to have a baby one day. me and diallo were supposed to go to marshall's last night but he had some things to do. no issue.....im still going to see my momma. well, i need to get in the shower and get dressed before diallo calls so....in a minute....peace and tranquility....cream out.

more and more........this week has been cool, so far. i havent really done too much except go to work and go to class. thats all my life consists of recently. i have started writing in my journal again, so my writing hiatus is over. nothing big...yet. im still getting back to writing and most of what i have written, has lacked flavor. im trying to get back to chicken covered with texas pete. right now, im plain grits. no flavor, bland as hell. i have a long way to go, but ill get back and then beyond, trust. next....i finally got my n'dambi cd. yo...i have wanted that cd for a year now and i finally got it. i got new speakers for my comp too....her voice sounds soooo good. my old speakers didnt do her music justice. ive been listening to n'dambi and lady day all night. im experiencing insomnia...im not stressed, i just have a lot of thoughts. something happened this morning in a conversation that has my mind caught in a web of deep thought. im trying to overstand the heart and motives of the womyn that i love better than i do and at the same time, overstand the feelings that i have for her. maybe its not meant for me to overstand....maybe its something so complex...that its over my head, in the hands of the most high. things like that dont need explanations, they just are and maybe this situation is one of them. all i know is i feel a love so strong for her....my love is so strong for her but i feel weak at the same time. weak because i have never experienced love like this before...its unfamiliar but at the same time, it feels familiar because i feel like i have loved her forever. next....diallo said we might be going to va on saturday. if we do go, it will be a well deserved 1 day vacation. i need to sit at my mother's kitchen table with her sitting across from me and vibe with her. i need to hear my niece's giggle and feel her little hands in mine while she makes me sing barney's "i love you" song. i need to sit and laugh with my brother and see how much of man he has become. i need a dose of home. if only i could drive 8 more hours to get a dose of my womyn. i cant have everything i want tho. so, i will wait patiently for the day that i become connected with the other half of me. soon come. i need to go nite nite....i have an exam in biology tomorrow....in a minute.....peace....cream out.

live for the sunshine........im here....waiting for my black nail polish to dry. i havent painted my nails black since i was 14. im just feeling that color for some reason. im making a new anklet with black beads too. well, i have always worn black beads. things have been ok. i feel like i am just existing right now. i go to work and i half way go to school...like marvin said...this aint livin. i had to start eating carbs again because i couldnt damn get up. i felt weak...like when you get the flu weak. i felt sick. i dont know what to do about my weight...im totally clueless. all i know is it needs to go. as far as school goes, im feeling soooo unmotivated. school has officially become a bore to me. im ready to get on with my life. ive been in school a total of 17 years and im tired. i have to do this lovely paper to graduate and i really...REALLY dont want to, i have to. it has to be in perfect apa style or i will fail. thats stress. i am going to start going to the library when i can and write my paper. inshallah, ill pass so i can get on with my life. friday, i did a little christmas shopping. i bought myself a memphis jersey and a perfume set. sometime this week, im going back to get some goat's milk soap and some honey lotion. i deal with mean assholes every day at work, shit i deserve to treat myself. next....every day, the pain gets worse. its been almost 4 months since i have smelled her....saw her cheshire cat smile....felt her lips against my skin....its getting more and more painful. im cravin her and i have never craved anyone. i miss her so much yo. im so in love....and i know she feels the same way. ive had never been in a relationship where i felt the love that was professed for me. everytime she tells me she loves me, i feel it, i know it. she is the queen of my sanity. aight...thats enough. time for the kid to go to bed. in a minute.....peace....cream da queen out.