not again......its been a while, i know. i felt this sudden urge to write and here i am. ive had a fever averaging 103 degrees for the past 2 days. working for the police department hasnt been good for my health. this is the 3rd time ive been sick since christmas. people keep telling me to get a flu shot next year but im entirely too paranoid to get one. i dont know what they are injecting into my system. might be something that could potentially harm me in the long run. i look at it this way, my mother gets one every year and she still gets sick so what does that say about a friggin flu shot? im tired of blowing my nose, coughing like im about to vomit my left lung at any given moment, and these damn body aches and chills that feel like ive been doing 5011 hours of strength training in antartica. if i knew the person that gave me these horrible germs, i would shank them repeatedly with a rusty butterknife.

exactly a week ago, my womyn would make a mistake that has tainted our relationship. she didnt cheat but she disrespected me and our relationship. a week later, im still a lil pissed about the whole situation, im not going to front. i almost said eff it and broke up with her. now, in prior relationships, i would have been upset but never considered ending it. ive grown a bit wiser....especially after being in a relationship with a womyn that i was not happy with AT ALL. i dealt with all her bullshit because i loved her. well ladies and gentlemen, there is a thin line between love and stupidity. my name is prolific and i am a former habitual line stepper. neva again. its takes more than love to keep a relationship together. anyway, my womyn is definitely on probation. everything aint "all good" like it was before her fuck up. i forgive but i dont forget. keep one eye open when you sleep homie.

this coughing is getting on my last good nerve. i got up at 3 am, choking. i got up, walked to the kitchen, took a gulp of absolut and went back to sleep. if you dont have cough syrup, take a swig of liquor. it will clear up any congestion and you'll sleep like a baby. ok....time for anotha swig. in a minute......

inspired by a blog i read***

am i less conscious because......

* i work for "the man"

* i did not attend or desire to attend a hbcu

* my perfume collection consists of more than patchouli, egyptian musk, and nag champa oils

* nothing in my wardrobe comes from a thrift store

* i think some poets are so stuck on being "deep" that their content sucks monkey's scrotum

* id rather eat chitlins smothered in hot sauce than tofu

* i listen to project pat more than miles davis (im a big coltrane fan tho)

* i think the revolution wont be televised.....and the way things are going now, it probably wont happen

* i am a lesbian therefore ruining the "black family"

* sometimes......id rather eat pussy than talk about politics

* i call women bitches....i dont mean it in a bad way unless there is an adjective in front of it

* i believe real hip hop is on life support

*i think bacon egg and cheese biscuits are hot fire

*i dont wear headwraps

*i dig designer labels

* i think toni morrison is overrated

* i like to look at half naked women in a not so artistic way (strippers)

* i usually greet people with "sup" instead of "peace"

*i dont have to find a "deep" meaning in every friggin thing



hmmm.....am i?

part 2 comin soon...........

CAPRICORN WOMAN

A tall slim, cool and quiet woman. Once she is mad she can be very fierce. She can work better than some men and she is very high confident woman. In her opinion, a woman is not just a flower or decoration at home or at an office and certainly not a weak sex who needs protection.

She likes to control and hide her weak emotions. She will never try to change anyone, but she will learn to accept them as they are. If
she does not like someone, she will not comment or criticize but she will completely ignore that person.

She hates plastic and artificial flowers because they make her feel that you are not being sincere. She loves real flowers and the scent. She loves a guy who wears after shave cologne. If you are a type of a guy who wears your Jeans one month before washing, or wear an old sneaker, then you can forget about her.

She loves music and nature even there is a rare case otherwise. She loves to go picnic in nature, so if you don't have so much time for her, you can take her fishing too.

She is not as jealous as Aquarius or Leo woman, but do not cross the line O.K. Better not to see her getting mad, especially in public when she feels like loosing face. She loves to make up and dress perfectly and very neat, so never rush her for this matter.

She has her own
goal in life and does not care if you have a doctorate degree or not, if she thinks you are not bright then she will not care about you at all. She likes smart people by character not by certificate shown. If you cannot show her this quality, go and take a bus and go to the next stop.

She does not like a dreamer who talks about his dream but never put his hands in action to make it happen. Don't bother to tell her "everyone is doing it, you should do it too", or "I think you should do it, it's good for you", because she will do what she wants to do only.

She is a neat and tidy person, so if your apartment is a pigsty , do not take her there. If you go out on a date with her , try to be presentable such as nice and clean dress, clean nails or else it will be your last date.

She is a cool type and will not nag, so easy on your ears. She is a slow but sure type. She
will always respect and honor you and will never try to make you loose your face. If she loves you, she will help you in anything you do.

She likes to help people and expect nothing in return. If she asks you for a favor and does not get one, she will feel very disappointed. She has high hopes and a high faith and believes in her own self than believing in "Luck".

If she is your wife, you will have nice and clean home and a gourmet cooking. If your parents visit your house, they will be pleased. She is a 3 in 1 means , a perfect mother, a perfect housewife, a perfect wife or you could say "happily ever after".

THE 10 LAYERS:

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE.
name: prolific
birthdate: 1/15
birthplace: D.C.
Current location: V.A.
eye color: Brown
hair color: Reddish brown
righty or lefty: Righty
zodiac sign: Capricorn

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE.
-your heritage:
-what shoes did you wear today: None yet.
-your fears: Failure, Horses, Bees
-your perfect pizza: A Sicilian Meat Lovers, light sauce, with extra cheese

-goal you'd like to achieve in life: Happiness and financial comfort.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
-your most overused phrase: How bout no.
-first thought waking up: What do I have to do today?
-your best physical feature: My lips....I hear they are rather sexy. My eyes are second tho....I got sleepy light brown eyes.

-your bedtime: Whenever I decide to chill with Deacon Sheets and Pastor Pillows.
-your most missed memory: INNOCENCE.

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK.
-pepsi or coke: Pepsi
-mcdonald's or burger king: McDonalds....that dolla menu is my friend.
-single or group dates: single
-adidas or nike: damn...that's a difficult one <-- i agree
-lipton tea or nestea: lipton
-chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
-smoke: Nopers
-curse: Like a sailor.
-take a shower: Love 'em.
-have a crush(es): Nope.
-think you've been in love: I know I have.
-like(d) high school: Not really.
-want to get married: Yes and no.
-believe in yourself: Yep.
-get motion sickness: Yep.
-think you're a health freak: Nope.
get along with your parents: For the most part.
-like thunderstorms: Yeah, even tho I'm scared of lightning.


LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH.
-drank alcohol: Yep.
-gone to the mall: Yep.
-been on stage: Nope.
-eaten sushi: Yep, 2 days ago.
-been dumped: Nope.
-gone skinny dipping: Nope.
-dyed your hair: Nope.

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER.
-played a game that required removal of clothing: Yep.
-gotten beaten up: Nope.
-changed who you were to fit in: Nah.

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER.
-age you hope to be married: *silence*
how do you want to die: Old as hell, happy, surrounded by family, and in my sleep.

LAYER NINE: IN A GIRL/GUY.
-best eye color: A real, non contact lens-induced one.
-best hair color: Doesn't matter, as long as it's within reason.
-height: Doesn't matter.

-best first date location: Somewhere nice. *shrugs* I don't really care.
-articles of clothing: Ones that fit properly.

LAYER TEN: YOUR NUMBERS.
-number of people you trust: Hmmmm....3.
-number of cd's i own: Too damn many.
-number of piercings: 3
-number of tattoos: 2.
-number of times been on tv: None.
-number of times in the newspaper: 3.
-number of scars on my body: Too many to count.
-number of things in my past that i regret: None, really.

in time......It’s raining outside and I wanted to say…rather I need to write a whole lot and quite frankly, I can not write as fast as the words come to my mind but I’m going to try. Today I had an epiphany….something slapped me in my face so hard my head still hurts. I’m still looking for beauty in myself. I’ve been looking at myself, highlighting the negative and downplaying the positive for so damn long. After 3 emotionally draining relationships with people that damn near sucked every ounce of self esteem and energy I had, I’m just beginning to regain my love for self. It blows my mind that I’m 25 years young and I have let this self hatred go on for so long. If you asked me a couple of years ago if I loved myself, I would have given you the “What the hell you think?” look and said “Damn right I love myself” Now I realize the love I claimed to have for myself was nothing but bullshit. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to stay in those toxic relationships with people that didn’t have good intentions or my best interest in mind. You live and you learn, I guess. Now that I’ve recognized the issue, I’m working on it. The prerequisite of achieving my goals is loving myself totally. I know I will always have flaws, everyone does, but the difference between now and then is I will see those flaws as beauty, not as something to be ashamed of or something I focus negatively on. Everyday I walk closer and closer to self love. I know it won’t happen overnight…like my grand father used to say “Everything in its time.” I know that I’m loved but it does not mean shit if I don’t feel that way about myself.

Work has been really frustrating lately. My supervisor is not supervisor material at all. She barely knows what she is talking about. I think they gave her a supervisor position on the strength of her working there for 18 years, not because she was a “leader”. For my workplace to be a police department, it is one of the most unorganized places I have ever worked. If people knew how things worked behind the scenes, they would be appalled. I’m officially taking police reports and I must say that it is the most tedious thing I have ever done in my life. People think that the police department can work miracles. A man called me and asked if he could press charges on the people that come up to him and ask him for a cigarette when he is smoking on his porch. *sigh* He also wanted an officer dispatched to his house because of that. Now, there are robberies, murders, burglaries…all kinds of crimes going on and this man wants a police officer for people asking him for a cigarette. It took every ounce of will I had in my body to tell him politely that if he did not want people asking him for cigarettes, to find an alternative place to smoke and I could not dispatch a police officer out to his home if there was not a crime committed. Then a woman called and asked how many car seats can she have in the front seat. *screamin at this point* Moving on….I’m still thinking about applying for the 911 dispatcher position. I want to work at the police station for a couple of months before I transfer out. That would look better on my resume in my opinion. I’ve started writing again, as you can probably see. Its rusty but its slowly coming back. I carry a notebook where ever I go because for some reason, words come to me when I’m in the car on the way to work or while I’m taking my dogs out. At times, my pen cant move fast enough so I forget what I was writing. Instead of throwing unfinished stuff away, I’m keeping them. Never know if or when the words will come back. I’m just grateful that they are dancing in my head again. In a minute…..

happy 25th birthday to meeeeeeeee!!!!!!

my womyn was here last week. one morning, i got up before she did. i sat up and admired her. she looks like a kid when she sleeps.....like a little indian girl.....copper toned with dark, curly hair, and the longest black eyelashes....she looks like bambi when she blinks. her smile will light up any room...the type of smile that will make your day better even when it has been shitty. lmao....when she sleeps, she snores and i can still see the dimple in her right cheek. when i call her name...even when she is sleep...she smiles. i appreciate her, even tho she gets on my damn nerves sometimes. i know she loves me....there is no doubt in my mind. all the shit she puts up with....my moods and my chronic asshole-ism...it has to be love. the little things she does shows me that our relationship, our love for each other...is so much more than the shit im used to. in the past, i have had some simple ass relationships....never 50/50.....always 75/25, if that. im the type of womyn that if i love you...if i care about you, i show it. i live and love in verbs. fuck words. ill cook sunday dinners for you everyday, wash your clothes...even wash ya ass if you are hurt or tired as hell, rub your feet.....anything to show how much i love you and appreciate your presence in my life. needless to say, i showed some smelly bitches some beautiful shit but ive only been shown bullshit. i decided that i was gonna fall back a little bit in my next relationship to see what would happen. i havent been disappointed. i had to work this week so she had to stay here with my fam while i was at work. she washed my clothes, cleaned my room, fixed me lunch and dinner.....*sigh* she was my lil housewife for a couple of days. i can be a real meany pants sometimes. anyway, we have been through so much in the past 2 weeks....this trip was needed. when she left, i got teary eyed as always but im getting used to seeing her go. most high willing, ill see her next month.

i had this weekend off and i got not a gatdamn thing accomplished. well, yes i did. i washed my linen and got my sleep caught up. being with my womyn for 4 days made me lose sleep....hehe. that was my first weekend off in 3 weeks. damn shame. i finally get paid on wednesday but i know my check is gonna be gone. bills bills bills. mayn, i really dont want to go to work but i dont want to be here either. i want to be some where i can feel a warm breeze and sip a glass of shiraz. im planning a vacation sometime in march. im going to start saving now......even if we dont go anywhere but west va or charlotte....as long as me and my womyn are together, alone, i dont care. hell, we could go down the fuggin street to a hotel, just to be alone with her and not have to work would be cool with me. *sigh* finna go to work. peace and livin in verbs.....cream out

silent night......not quite. im laying on my floor, in the dark, with bilal blastin through my headphones. that negro needs to make a new album ASAP. my christmas was cool even tho i had to work AND i have a damn cold. i dont know who i got it from but if i could hunt down that evil, germ infested, person and make them drink all this nasty nyquil that i have been downing for the past 3 days and then blow all my snot on them, i would. yeah yeah, that was nasty as hell but for real, this cold thing is no joke. i hate being sick. i dont like taking medicine and i damn sure dont like blowing my nose, coughing or both every 5 minutes. hopefully, this mess will go away swiftly. what did i get for christmas? *insert evil laugh here* i got a new computer, 2 night gowns, a $50 gift certificate, and 2 candles. i think thats it. my room is such a mess that i dont know whats what. it would be so nice to take a candlelit bubble bath and sip merlot while listening to some jazz. unfortunately, that cant happen. at least, not right now. id probably fall asleep in the tub...which would probably be a good thing since i got woke up at the butt crack of dawn by my niece's screams because santa claus brought her annabelle. this annabelle doll blinks, makes noises, and all kinds of other crap. they didnt have dolls like that when i was younger...times change yo. she got mad stuff for christmas...enough toys and clothes for 3 children. she deserves it tho. dora wasnt here which sucked monkey's nuts. i miss her all the time but especially today. it felt so fucked up not to exchange gifts with her today. i couldnt see the excitement on her face when she finally saw what i got her for christmas. it would have been nice to lay up in the ned with her and just chill. i need her kisses right about now cuz in all honestly, im lonely. i have a new job...the job wanted....im living aight....im surrounded by my fam and a few friends....but im still lonely. im still anti-social even tho i have made it a point to be somewhat social at least once this month. ive yet to meet someone new that i click with on a friendship level since ive been home. hell, what did i expect? there wasnt anybody i associated with before i left so what makes things different now? *sigh* i definitely need to get my license so i can go some where that has poetry cafes, jazz concerts, museums.....anything but here. i wanna be far away from here...far away from....loneliness. my eyes are heavy....i better catch sleep while i can. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

hmmmm......if nothing is holding me back from living my dreams but me......why am i standing still? i am submerged in love for her.....but im still afraid of letting my guard down. its fucked up how things that happened or that were said 10-15 years ago, still cross my mind. choose your words carefully....once they are spoken, they cant be taken back. you never know how your words will effect someone. the words of those closest to you hurt the worst. sometimes, i wish that i never went to school.....maybe i wouldnt expect so much. ignorance is bliss huh? i refuse to get up at 4 am to shop for christmas stuff with a bunch of crazy people when i have to go to work at 8 am. fuck those sales....dammit ima be sleep. i want to go to sleep but there is a lot on my mind. its funny how i thought writing would clear my mind......guess not.

fast lane.......its a sunny saturday afternoon and for once, i have the day off from work. PLUS, i officially have high speed. new layout in the works ladies and gents. it feels so good to be able to click on something and it comes right up instead of that old crappy, slow as honey down a big booty, dial up. i had to pay a deposit, had to argue for a couple of months but gatdammit, i finally have what i want and its alllll mine. its been a while since i updated...basically because i work 10 hour days and by the time i get home, talk to dora, eat dinner, and wash my ass.....its time to go nite nite. now that i have high speed, i think ill update more. fast internet=temporary happiness. next step, a new damn computer. this thing out dated....im ready to move on to something bigger and better. everything in its time tho. hmmm...lets see....i still strongly dislike my job but im still there. bills dont care if im happy or not. they still have to be paid. ive been applying other places tho. again i say, everything in its time. ive written a lot in my notebook recently...i might post some of the stuff ive written when i finish the new layout. i have to keep writing regardless of whats going on in my life. im still going through writer's block with my poetry tho. nothing seems to come to me when i have a pen in my hand but the minute im on my way home from work or if im in the shower, the words start dancing in my head. anybody that knows me knows that my memory and my attention span are short as hell. anyway....new layout comin soon. in a minute....peace and high speed.....cream out.

a dream deferred........its 5 am and i cant sleep. usually, i would be in my bed, snoring, drooling, and dreaming about airplanes crashing or me accepting an award in front of thousands of people....but this morning, i am wide awake. when something happens, im one of those people who doesnt “feel” it until a couple of weeks later. i try to push things in the back of my mind because i dont want to be depressed.....hell, who does? i try not to think about anything bad because i know it will consume my mind and stress me the fuck out. that being said, something happened about 2 weeks ago that i havent talked about nor wanted to talk about....one of those things that i pushed in the back of my mind hoping it would just go away. a couple of weeks ago, i took a polygraph for the police department. i was told the reason why i had to take it in the first place was because there were “questionable” people in my immediate family that threw up red flags. i wasnt “questionable” but my fam was. my record is clean....so is my piss. hell, you can do a spinal tap and take some of my hair....i dont partake in any drugs except the occasional glass of wine when i can afford a bottle. to make the long story short, i failed a couple of questions on the test.....the questions that i had actually told the truth on. i was truthful will every question....no i dont take any drugs, including pills that arent prescribed to me, no i havent stolen anything over $25, no i havent done anything illegal except for download music, no, no , no. the test was tryin to detect lies in me but instead lied. the only reason why i had to take the damn test was because of “questionable” people in my fam. i cant help that im the only legal one in my fam. its like im guilty by relation. when i graduated, i thought i would come back here, get a job with the police department or become a police officer eventually and now, that thought has been river danced on, a-town stomped, spit on, and left to die. this basically means that i cant become a police officer because u have to pass a polygraph and well....i cant. i feel like i went through college for absolutely nothing. i have a degree thats sittin in an envelope, inside another envelope, that i cant even use. i worked my ass off for something that is basically useless to me. im over $50,000 in debt for what.....a fucked up job at a bank that i could have gotten even if i didnt have my degree. all because, i have “questionable” people in my fam. i cant control what they do....i thought controlling what i did was most important. i guess not. so my question now is, now what? where in the hell do i go from here? i know i have to keep moving forward, keep believing that there is something out there for me....something much bigger than this. this cant be my life. maybe im not meant for the whole legal atmosphere....but gat dammit thats what i went to school for, studied my ass off, made sure that i didnt get into any trouble for, and now ladies and gents.....what the fuck do i do with it? if that damn piece of paper didnt cost me over $50,000, i would rip it up and piss on it cuz its useless to me at this point. in 3 hours, i have to go to a job that i hate to earn just enough money to pay my rent and my bankruptcy lawyer. *sigh* like i said, this cant be my life. i know that im destined for something much bigger than this shit. hmm....and people wonder why im so damn angry. in a minute....peace and a focused mind......cream out.

unplugged......this alicia keys unplugged cd combined with jill scott's book of poetry has inspired me to write despite the fact that im tired from working all day. dora sent me a package today.....to my surprise. i bet she was about to burst because she didnt tell me until today. we're not good at secrets. we both hate surprises. anyway, she sent me a bag of blow pops (my favorite), the jill scott book, and the alicia keys unplugged bootleg. before yall get ya draws in a bunch about the bootleg....i bought the cd but i wanted to rip it and put it on my ipod and guess wha....it wont allow me to. well, it will but it sounds like it skips so im guessing thats the cd protection thingy. i hate that shit...if i buy the damn cd, i should be able to put it on my ipod or burn a copy to play in the car. *sigh* last night, i showed her what i got her for christmas so far on webcam. im tempted to mail her the coat that i bought her because its getting cold and i know she needs it. hopefully, she will get up here soon and i can spend some time with her. its been over a month since we've seen each other and i would be lying if i said i dont miss her. i sleep easier when she is here. like i said before, im more at peace when she is here.....my life doesnt suck so much when she is here. dating status changes....so called friends changes. sad but true. i thought that a certain person was my friend come to find out....what i thought was friendship was bullshit. that seems to be the story of my social life. im not going to let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch but i will say this.....once you have lost my friendship, once you are deemed uncool, there is no coming back. it seems like when i told people that were my so called friends about my relationship, that was the end of our alleged friendship. sad situation. oh well. the job search continues. im neva comfortable. the business is still in the works....i cant wait to get started. aight....thats enough for now. im about to light my sandalwood candle and listen to ms. keys. in minute.....peace and heartburn (the good kind).....cream out.

untitled #81820291this migraine thing is back. i definitely need to get this ish checked. it feels like a million lil oompa loompas are trapped inside my head and they all gathered at my forehead, right above my eyes.....and they are doing the a-town stomp, trying to escape. i need health insurance, ASAP. next...i refuse to write about my job. i think i have expressed how much i hate it over and over again so like i said, im not going to mention it. i will say....i feel like the real me is trapped inside this 9-6 working, business suit wearin, prim and proper imposter...posing as me enjoying my life. when im able to rid myself of her and strip down to my soul and finally breathe, ill be good. never said ill be happy because happiness and contentment are joined like siamese twins and ill never be content....at least not as long as im still conscious. my life isnt so bad, hell it could be worse. im just a lil pissy cuz im not living out my dreams. i wonder how many people do live what they dream. moving on, hollywood pink is that crack. i finally found an avon lady. that chic doesnt know that she is going to make a lot of money offa me.....i love hollywood pink. it smells so damn girly and sweet like chocolate kisses and rose petals against freshly showered skin. *sigh* i cant wait for dora to come back so she can smell me...cuz my perfume smells like her. everytime i spray it, i think about her. wonder if she know how much i miss her....i doubt it because i tend to be a mean ass. im distant at times and i try to keep focused on other things but when other things in my life arent going right, i dont want to focus on them so i turn my attention to missin her. when she is here, i tend to laugh a lot more. my stress level is almost nonexistant...almost because i always think about the fact that she has to go home. everything feels different when she is here. i dont think ill ever overstand this love thing. all i know is, its a nice experience and im glad im sharing it with her. aight ladies and gents....this migraine is officially kickin my ass. im off to bed. in a minute....peace and love....cream out.

love angel.......sometimes, i wish that i wasnt so damn focused. there are certain things that i cant do because i know if i do them, it will ruin my career. i wont be able to get the jobs that i want. so, i remain focused but at the same time, i get bored. i dont smoke, i rarely drink, i dont go clubbin very often.....you can say im a pretty settled person. sometimes i think im too young for that. life is so damn short but at the same time, i dont want to shorten it any more by making stupid decisions. *sigh* i absolutely despise my job. talking to arrogant people that have no common sense for 8 hours, 5 days a week, gets on my last good nerve. im not a finance person....dont get me wrong, i like having money and i like spending money. i dont like dealing with other people's money. i have no interest in banking. i know there is something bigger than this meant for me. there has to be something bigger. i know that i have a bigger purpose than this. me and woo are still building our natural hair and body care business. the preparation stage is long as hell. we have to decide how much we are going to invest, the suppliers to use, what products to offer, etc...etc....etc. i cant wait to get it poppin. with her business sense and my skill....we will be successful. i remember thinking that it wouldnt be a good idea for us to be in business together for the simple fact that we are exes. the ex shit is a part of the past. its not like our break up was bad. we mutually came to the agreement that our relationship wasnt healthy. our friendship never stopped. anyway, thats my business partner that just happens to be my ex. if you are interested in ordering something, e-mail me. next....dora was supposed to come here on the 9th of next month but....she cant. im a little disappointed but hell....thats what comes with a long distance relationship. sometimes she calls me....frustrated as hell and i know that if i was there or she was here, things would be better. im not used to having a relationship with someone that is always around me. my last one was with that cunt. its going to take some time to get adjusted to having her around. im used to being by myself...used to having my own space. she is going to have to get used to my moods...my fickleness....all the makings of me. hope she can handle it. aight...i need to go eat dinner and take my ass to bed...i have to go off the workplace hell tomorrow. in a minute....peace and jazz....cream out.

slingblade......ive been feelin hella anti-social for the past week. i havent felt like being around anybody. i havent felt like talking. i just want to be.....at peace, enjoying my own company. my fam has been gettin on my nerves too. i have closed myself in my room after i get home from work for the past 2 weeks. me and my sister arent gettin along right now.....mainly because she acts differently around her friend. i know it has a lot to do with the fact that im 24 and she and her friend are under 20. not saying that everyone under 20 is immature....but her and her friend are the perfect examples of immaturity. walking around the mall lookin at shit when you dont have any money isnt cute to me. riding around looking for dudes to give my number to isnt cute either. they actually stress when their phones arent ringing. smh. they giggle and geek like 10 year olds. it irritates the hell outta me. my mom has been walking around the house with an attitude. i dont know if she is pms'n or what but i wish she would get over it....whateva it may be. my brother and his girlfriend do the usual things to get on my nerves. its weird tho....they havent got on my nerves as much as they usually do. maybe its because the irritation has been induced by other people besides them. dora was here about a week ago. its like a breath of fresh air in a stank room when she comes here. she nurtures me....which im not used to. ive never had someone that opens doors for me, rubs my feet, washes my hair, cleans my room while im at work.....*sigh* someone that gives just as much as she receives. that means so much to me. like i said, its different than what im used to. today we got in our first real argument. we have had some heated discussions but never to the point where i wanted to scream at her.....and im not one to argue. we are ok now but it opened my eyes to the fact that i have trust issues. well, i knew that all along but i thought i was better than what i was. when i said i would commit to her, i didnt say that i was perfect or that i had everything together. i admit that i have some issues....nothing major tho. she knows about some things....some things she doesnt. ill let her know in due time. maybe i should get around to telling her some things so she will understand why i react the way i do to certain situations. next....my job still sucks herpes infected monkey's balls. im prayin that i get the job with the police station. i want to tell this bank to kiss my entire yella ass. nobody knows whats going on....a bunch of people runnin around thinking they know every damn thing but really dont know shit. plus, their policies are stupid as hell....i feel like im in elementary school. aight i feel like im rambling....ill holla. in a minute....peace and mustard biscuits.....cream out.

drive slow homie.....i got off from work early because i only took 5 phone calls from 9-3. we shouldnt have had to work on labor day any gatdamn way. i hate that job but its a paycheck every week. i cant wait until i start doing what i really want to do. oh well...im home now. things have been ok. im trying to stay as stress and drama free as i can. it seems like its hard as hell to stay that way living here. if it aint one thing, its another but its never MY drama. its always someone elses. im just waiting on the day when we (my fam and i) will live peacefully with no bullshit and issues. i know every fam has issues but we dont have internal issues....our issues come from people outside of the fam. like i said, i cant wait for the day that i can be away from it. i refuse to allow this place or these people to drive me insane. me and dora are fine. we have had a couple of little heated discussions, which is normal. im moody as hell (especially since i stopped taking those pills to regulate my period, my attitude can be downright shitty at times, and im easily irritated. that takes a while to get used to. im getting used to having a girlfriend. im not used to having someone that im obligated to talking to everyday. im not used to actually givin a fuck about someone else's feelings to the point where i watch what i say and the tone i take. ive never been with someone so.....innocent. half of the things i have experienced in my lifetime, she hasnt. she hasnt developed the thick skin and coldness that i have in my heart. she is damn near pure. true, she has experienced some pain but no where close to the amount that i have. she has the biggest heart.....didnt think people like her existed anymore. makes me wonder sometimes, why someone so innocent would love someone that is tainted as me so much. not like im dirty or anything but ive had my share of bullshit. been through a couple of bad breakups, a physically abusive relationship, a couple of bad sexual experiences, and a partridge in a pear tree. i know that she loves me....flaws, my past, and all. i just hope i can love her with the innocence and purity that she loves me with. next....new orleans. if i didnt have a job, id probably be there. it hurts me to my soul to see so many people without help. the richest nation in the world has their people living like people in third world countries. that shit is sad. its sad that we sent soooo much money to the tsunami victims and to people in iraq but we cant help our own people. im not gonna go into any political beefs or issues either (race, class, etc. as a reason why those victims havent gotten help). please support your local red cross or many of the other organizations that are collecting money for the victims. thats enough for now.....im hungry. in a minute....peace and love......cream out.

on the count of 3......my day was cool. for some reason my job didnt get on my nerves as much. ive been laid back all damn day. my moma bought me 2 pairs of heels this morning. im starting to have an extreme shoe fetish. actually, im starting to dress more like a girl. i even bought a purse!!! that is soooo weird for me but i needed one. outwardly, im more feminine but inside, im a little more aggressive. actually, a lot more aggressive. its cool tho....im with someone that accepts all of me.....the tomboy days and the prissy days....my moods, my flaws. everything. next....i just read something that not only made me skin my teeth....but laugh a lil bit. as all of my friends know, my friendship is golden. im not one of those fairweather, we are only cool when i want or need something from you type friends. my cypher has decreased a lot since i decided to cut my grass. i saw a couple of rats and snakes.....the queen can not live in those conditions. anyway, i will not entertain rantings about assumed information. so....if ya like me, you do. if not, thats ok too. if you want to be in my space, fine. if you dont, fine. either way, i will not lose sleep, i will not shed tears, i wont feel some kinda way about it......either you ride with me or get run over. *honkin my horn and chuckin the deuce* next....i need a vacation. lmao....i just started working and im talking about i need a vacation. i want to go some where ive never been....do some things ive dreamed of doing. everything in its time tho. aight...gotta go get some sleep. i got work tomorrow. in a minute...chuckin the deuce....cream out.

gooooooo......long time no write. been busy....workin and all. im still looking for a new job. this bank shit is not for me. its not like its a bad job....hell, i sit and talk to people on the phone all day. its just not something im interested in and it doesnt pay me what im worth. *sigh* the police dept. is in the process of doing a background check (i made it past the interview stage) and since i know my background is clean, im sure they will call me in for a drug test which will be clean too. (im a good girl yall) ill probably be working the midnight shift or an evening shift. if they are paying me good with good benefits, i dont give a fuck. i need insurance and some money to stack. i want to have money put away so if i want to go on a cruise in the winter, i can do it. or if something were to happen, i would be ok. i want to have my finances like my grandfather had his. next......my girl came here a couple of weeks ago and my mother showed her how to get to my job. she came on my lunch break. when i first laid eyes on her, i was nervous as fuck....im not gonna front. as much shit as i talk, im shy as hell in person. hell, shy is puttin it mildly. we ate lunch together and when i got off, we went to eat sushi. ohhh gosh....the japanese shit is not for everybody, lmao. i enjoyed my sushi while her and frisky were talking about the miso soup and salad. that damn soup smelled HORRIBLE. i wouldnt feed that shit to my dog. he’d probably sniff it and bite my ass for puttin some nasty shit like that in front of him and expecting him to eat it. the damn salad was nothing but lettuce and some kinda ginger salad dressing. i thought a salad consisted of more than just some damn lettuce. can a chic get some tomatoes and ranch or something?? HELL NO. the waitress told us that there were no other salad dressings and all they had was unsweetened tea, which pissed frisky off because she loves her tea. that chile doesnt do fountain drinks but she did yesterday. dora ordered chicken and shrimp teriyaki and frisky ordered chicken teriyaki. lmao....it was good from what i tasted from hers but uhhh.....that salad and that soup was not hot fire. then, me and dora (her nickname is dora because she looks like a damn mexican and ummm....she is an explorer, heheheh) went to the club. i had on a pair of black cargo pants, a black corset, a black shirt on top of my corset that i left open, and some black heels. i picked my fro out and it was huge. i looked like a blaxploitation character. dora was lookin sessi in her khaki cargo pants, bob marley shirt, and a pair of tims. *sigh* anyway, we walked in the club and it was deep as hell. to be so fuggin lame, the club was deep. we walked around and i saw this chic point at me so i looked like "who in the hell is this chic pointin at?" why in the sam ham from the boonies was it that cunt (ty) and her girl?" she said "your hair is huge!!" i introduced her to dora and that cunt looked like she wanted to shank my girl. the cunt and her girl followed us around the fuggin club all night. smh. when we got up and dance, they did. when we kissed, they kissed. ummmm...was supposed to feel some kinda way about that??? *LMAO* i had a lot of fun when she was here. my fam digs her a lot. my sister likes her too. i cooked while she was here too. i made a pork roast, mac and cheese (not that box shit either), string beans, and my sister made bbq chicken. mayn, she looked so damn happy when i sat her plate in front of her. she is supposed to be coming back here next month. next....a lot of people that were close to me arent speaking to me now. it bothers me because they were a part of my space. i allowed them in and they stopped talking to me because i chose to be with dora. me and india have been tight for sooooo damn long. she was there for me when i needed someone to listen to me and i was there for her as well. now, she wont talk to me. i thought our friendship was stronger than that. next.....i made the new layout last night. i had to....the other one was gettin old. im working on dora's layout now. the creative bug has bit me in the ass. im off to enjoy the rest of my day off. in a minute.....maybe 2....peace and LOYALTY.....cream out.

cot damn....its a new day.....met her in february....conversed day and night....talked about her dreams, my stress, our future wasnt even talked about because at the time, i was gettin over a fucked up relationship with a cunt that shall remain nameless because in all honesty, im glad that i fucked with that cunt. if i hadnt fucked with that cunt, got fucked over, i would have never met....her. all the bullshit and bruises that cunt left on my heart kept me from opening my mouth and telling her how i felt. that shti remained a secret until a couple of months ago. anyway, she got a girl and by girl, i do mean girl, as in a fuckin childish ass chic. i admit, i was a tad bit heated when she told me but hell, a closed mouth dont get fed so that was that. i avoided her calls, wouldnt talk to her on messenger either. i took that shit as a loss and moved the fuck on. its not like i would have been ready to get on that level with her anyway. i was on some fuck love, fuck relationships, and no fuckin for me type shit. time went on, she and her girl broke up. we became friends again....well, we never stopped being friends its just that....im stubborn as fuck so i was reluctant to talk to her. she listened to me when nobod else would....mentally held me when i cried....consoled my heart to the point....this point....im not afraid to be loved or to open myself up a little bit....fuck that....im not afraid to be open with her. true indeed, im never an open book but im not afraid to allow her to read a couple of pages every now and then. it took me 3 months to admit the fact that what i was running from and what i was looking for, were the same fuckin thing. now, did that make any damn sense? i didnt think so either. what i wanted was right there the whole fuckin time but i had my eyes closed.....i wasnt blind, i just had my eyes closed. when i finally decided to open them, i realized all of the above. so now that my eyes are open and im no longer afraid.....im done bullshittin. im done running. im tired of having my hands full of past bullshit. im done with the late night conversations full of broken promises and unfulfilled desires (at least on my end). im tired of women proclaiming their love for me and how im so different and so fuckin perfect for them, only to hear some bullshit in the next sentence. im sooo fuckin done. she found me and stood by me even when i told her i wasnt ready....even when she knew that i was talking to someone else. she waited because she thinks im worth it. a 5 hour drive and 3 months of chasing my own damn tail has led me to this.....im officially spoken for. in a minute.....peace and love....cream out.

5 minute update.....just a quick update. im at work, as normal. my weekend was cool..busy as hell, but cool. i went to dc to see my grandma and do some yard work for her. it felt good to see her. my aunt has a computer that i want sooooo bad. a new computer will be my next big purchase. sunday, i cleaned my room since i got a new bookshelf. i had no idea that i had so many books. all of my books couldnt fit on the damn shelf. my room looks so damn pretty now. i just have to paint and get a desk for my computer and it will be perfect. next....today marks the 1 year anniversary of my celibacy. a year is enough yo. lmao. ive been a good girl for too damn long. i wanna be bad. i was thinking....ive never done anything really bad. i mean, some people would say that me being a lesbian is horrible but who gives a hairy rat's nuts what they think. ima good girl dammit. anyway, i want to have fun now. ive been cautious, ive been careful, and what has it gotten me?? BOREDOM. im soooo ready to start living. while im at work being bored, im going to write a list of things that i want to do in the next 2 years. ill post the list in a few. damn...lunch hour is over. in a minute....peace and life....cream out.