float on my cerebellum.......i have been real irritable lately. well, shit, im always irritable...its just 10 times worse now. i dont scream or anything....actually im calm as hell. im in a "leave me the fuck alone unless i invite you in my space" mood. im not tryin to be mean.....just need some space. after work, school, and homework, da kid does not want to hear bullshit. dont take it personal.....just holla back and maybe...just maybe, ill be in a better mood. a friend of mine called me today and told me that she is going to mail me my christmas present and my birthday present. yaaaayyy. she knows i luuuuhhhhh presents. she just wont tell me what they are. i cant wait to get them. speakin of presents.....spank you verrrrryyyyyy hard for my spoken word book jae!!!!!! now, if only i could get time to actually sit down and read the damn thing. im going to make time. father update.....his bastid ass called. we talked. shit still aint changed with him....same shit, different toilet. excuse after excuse. the only difference is my approach. to put it mildly, i dont give a fat monkey's hairy ass if he calls or if he doesnt. next...reality slapped me today with this.....there are so many people out there that luh me and care about me. thank yall soooooo much. i know who yall are. wish all of us could get together and have a big ass creamfest. that sounded kinda freaky.....movin on. im goin to a womens basketball game tomorrow.....my first one. *heheheh* ima have fun...i know it. peep this shit.....i went to a chinese new year celebration. it was a building program....dont usually go but i went. they said it would have chinese food. so, of course i go...free chinese food....hell to da yeah. listened to all this shit for an hour.....chinese new year...a damn skit with people who could barely speak english.....blah, blah, blah. so, when it was over, me and my friend went to the food table. *gettin heated* why in the hell....was it some boiled brown eggs and some things that looked like soggy turtle eggs. yoooo, i was heated. i watched this borin ass shit so i could eat some general tsos chicken or some shrimp fried rice, not no damn fear factor food. people was eatin the shit too. i was like HELL TO DA MUHFUCKIN NAHHHHHHHH. i came back to my room hungry as hell. i got my mouth all ready for some real chinese food and then it was that fear factor shit. i gotta go to bed....big day tomorrow. everyday is a big day. anywhoo.....peace.

the light.....today, i woke up to the burgundy light on my face....when the sun comes through my curtains....it makes my room look burgundy. for some reason...i felt like today was going to be significant. dont know why...just did. beginning......my friend got a car today so we went to the mall, walmart, and the grocery store. it was real cool. had fun. bought my mother some thing for valentines day, bought me some undies to add to my collection (yes a collection), and some envelopes. nothing major. came back to my room...there was a message from my fathers girlfriend saying he was trying to call me and that he would call me later on. cool beans. i rinsed my hair..i cant stand it if my red is not vibrant....and chilled. my father called. the conversation started off aight...then of course it got bad. we disagree on a lot...he says we have a lot in common. how in the hell can you tell me that we have a lot in common when you dont know me? this muhfucka doesnt even know my favorite food...my favorite color...my hobbies....nothing. and the fucked up part about it is....its his fault he doesnt know. then, we talked about him paying back child support. he owes my momma a lot of money...so much money, she would be somewhat wealthy if she got it. this bastid made it seem like, he doesnt owe her shit. like it was her choice to raise us and take care of us by herself. that was the point when i got heated. so heated, i started crying. i have never cried when i was on the phone with him. i would always wait but yo, i couldnt hold it. its like my childhood flashed before my eyes....not having a christmas tree or anything to put under one, not being able to go on field trips cuz ma didnt have the money, having the lights cut off.....( i know how to cut your lights and your water back on if they get cut off....thats not some shit i should know), not having a muthafuckin thing in the fridge but was happy as hell cuz we still had a home....i could go on and on. my momma worked 3 damn jobs...almost worked herself to death. she needs a heart transplant and here this muhfucka is saying that it was her choice to work like a damn dog. he asked me what is me being bitter solving. i have a damn right to be bitter and hell no i am never goin to let that shit ride.....hell nah. if his sorry ass was a man....i wouldnt have grown up like i did. i know it could have been a lot worse....but dammit it could have been a whole lot better. anyway, just when shit started gettin real heated, he said, "i'ma call you back." i sat in the middle of my floorin holding my phone....waiting for it to ring. i waited 2 hours. finally i had to go wash my rinse out of my hair...so i left. i stood in the shower and cried until my eyes ached. i came back in my room....no messages on my answering machine.....did something i havent done since i was 18.......i stood in front of my mirror and dropped my towel. for the first time in my life, i saw and said nothing negative. i rubbed shea butter on every inch of my honey brown skin...barely taking my eyes off of that mirror. from my eyes (which were swollen at the time from crying)...how full and pink my lips are.....how they look like im poutin........the beauty mark on my left cheek....my melons....my legs...thick toned thighs with well defined calves.....my booty thats shaped like an upside down heart....i looked at everything..from da roota to da toota. came to this........today was the final tick. i have seen the light. no more waitin for a relationship with my father. no more waitin for phone calls from people who dont appreciate me or my time. no more waitin for my "soulmate". no more waitin to do this or do that when i get the body i want. no more waitin. the clock doesnt stop...so why should i wait?

come be with me.......da kid feels lonely.....she wants to be touched....stroked.......like the bottom of the pacific.....to make her feel the pacific.....smooth and rough but always wet.....i know....my mind is in the gutta. thats just the beginning...its almost finished. might put it the rest up here. next...ma called me on saturday to tell me that cream sent me a letter. weird aint it? i sent his letter off on friday. me and cream are cut from the same cloth....our minds are connected. like i said before, he is the closest person to me outside of my fam. my sister read the letter to me and it brought tears to my eyes. we basically said the same things. cant wait to see what he says in his next letter. i should get it tomorrow. monday, i went shopping. it was a me day. i treated myself to some things that i actually needed. my father finally called me. he had his excuse for why he didnt call. he always has a damn excuse. im so tired of excuses. im tired of understanding. when is he going to understand that his baby girl is tired. tired of his bullshit. got some money from him today. bout damn time. when is the next payment comin??? you have a large past due balance lil daddy. a sista needs some new shoes. im officially on red alert. been feelin kinda irritable. dont feel like doing too much but sleepin and drinking strawberry lemonade. havent had a big appetite lately. all i want is something to drink. gimme some black cherry kool-aid dammit!!! on to other shit...isnt that hard to believe is it? well, this may sound crazy to peeps...i still like his music. i dont approve of his actions in his personal life....the fact remains that he can write a hit. all he needs to do is get help for that little girl fetish of his. next...im worried about a friend of mine....she is gettin ready to end a 6 year relationship. she is in a "where i wanna be" situation. i hope she is ok cuz women are crazy. DONT MAKE ME HAVE TO COME TO ATL AND KICK SOME ASS. women like her are rare...deep minded, works, has goals, uses her brain. *singin* "if i was your girlfriend....." joke. i hope everything works out for her.....enjoy single life..no one of flesh and blood knows whats best for you but you. do what ya do lil daddy. anywhoo, da kid is mad frustrated and sleepy....not a good combo. so, thank you for comin out, god bless you, good night.

revelations from da redhead chic.....im 22 big baaabbbaayyyy! how does it feel? well, it feels kinda good. well, more than kinda. i praise the most high that i have seen 21 years on this earth. lookin forward to many more. my birthday was a day of deep thinking and evaluation. thoughts about everything from my weight to my father came up. i thought about my ex-fiance too. cream is his name....yes its a HIM. he is partially responsible for the woman that people know today. i know through all my shit, good or bad, cream is going to have my back regardless of how the shit turns out. when i was going through my "im goin to do what makes everybody else happy" phase, he encouraged me to DO ME. he supported me when nobody else did.....he had faith in me when i didnt have faith in myself. its like, he taught me how to walk on my own. when nobody else gave a fuck about lady cream, he did. and of course, my name came from his. anyway, i miss him a lot. he is the only male besides my brother that is in my space. i wrote him a letter tonight....i havent written in a while. there is no excuse except pride...i let my pride keep me from writing him. he hasnt written me in a minute, so i havent written him. he has A LOT more stress than i do, so i should have picked up a pen a long time ago. shoulda, coulda, i didnt. i did it tonight tho. i wrote him a letter and sent him some of my poetry that he loves so much. that is a friendship that i want to keep for eternity. i pledge my undying loyalty and friendship to him and i know he will do the same thing. we will always be thicka than water. a lot of peeps called me on my b-day. thank all of yall....its too many of yall to name on here. just know, i felt loved....even tho "cough" i didnt get any presents *cough*. its all gravy tho. i know ill get my presents eventually. its funny how people that read my blog and/or chat with me online sent me birthday cards or called me to wish me a happy birthday. damn near strangers wishin me a happy birthday and my father didnt call me, send a card, send a note, nothing. i was a little hurt....im used to it tho. like i said in a past post, i cant make him love me...i cant make him have a relationship with me.....he is a grown ass man and i cant make him do or feel anything. i am sendin this issue to my "lost causes" department. i will not allow him to hurt me anymore. i will not put him in a position to hurt me anymore. i always ask my mother....are u sure you werent messin around on my father? hopin she will say yes so there would be a possibility that this sorry excuse for a man wouldnt be my father. she always says no. i dont believe it tho. how could a brilliant, beautiful, intellectual, stunning, speci-woman like myself, come from a sorry, excuse-full, no good, man? next....my ex called me and woke me up. which is partially the reason why i am awake right now. the other reason is because da kid is gettin sick....nose is stopped up like whoa.....thats another topic. anyway, she called to tell me happy belated birthday. yo, i am proud of myself. i dont see her in the same light i saw her in when we were together. i see her like i see any other chic. no warm tingly feelins when we talk. no nervousness. no unfriendship like love.....just conversation. da kid has came a long way. say it with me...you ready? aight. YAAAAYYYYYYY. yall, as much as i would love to write some more....i need to try to go back to sleep (keyword:try). i have to get up for school tomorrow....maybe it will be canceled cuz of the snow!!! i doubt it tho. this university wont close for shit. ill holla lata. peace, love, and sooouuulll.

HAPPY 22 TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND MLK!!!!!

BY MY GOTDAMN SELF........back at school. cried like a baby when my mom left. i tried not to...my neice blew me a kiss and it was over. i started cryin right then. i love my fam. like i said, this time at home made me realize how much i love them. im lookin forward to this spring break. first day of school. it was cool....like i said, im focused. went out with my big brova the night before i left. since it was her birthday, she got to wear my coach "pimp hat". we danced......GET OFF MY BOOTY LIL DADDY!!!!.....and scoped people out. we gave a lot of peeps *thumbs down*...shit some even got thumbs and toes down. see her page for details on our rating system. all in all, we had fun for her birthday. ima miss her silly ass. next topic...the trashman picked up my bag of past. then today, i found someone i thought i wanted to keep, but on second thought, i dont. so, they are gone too. what happened? ill let you know. i feel like she is stuck in past tense. plus, im gettin mixed signals from her and i dont play that childish shit. im a grown woman dammit. speakin of bein grown, 2 days til 22. a couple of my friends want to take me out to a club. i dont wanna go, so im not. all i want to do is, get me a bottle of rum, a spicy chicken sandwich and a frosty from wendy's, and drink by myself, eat by myself, chill by myself, errthang by my gotdamn self. although, it would be nice to be romanced on my birthday....a full body massage, 22 white roses, a deep convo, birthday licks (literally) before some intense, make me scream ya name, birthday oochie.....hehehehe. i can dream right? my father said he is goin to send me some money since im broke.....i wont hold my breath. not used to gettin up early....sleepy as hell...goin to bed.....peace.

packin my rags.....go shawty......its ya birthday.....happy b-day to my big brova. may you maintain the sanity you still have at 24......my last day at home until march....im goin to miss it. home is home. no matter where i go, there will be no where like it. im going to miss my fam. me and my mom got along the whole time i have been here. she read my poetry...which at first, she didnt think i wrote. her baby is a poet!!!! i saw how grown up my brother is. i remember takin care of him....now he is a grown ass man takin care of his daughter. everytime i look at my neice, i feel like im lookin at myself when i was her age. the only difference is, i was lighter than she is. she is soooo smart. im saving money for her to get into some kind of dancing school. that chile dances whenever she hears music...it couild be a commercial, she'll stop whateva she is doing and start dancing. she reminds me of the dancing baby on ally mcbeal. i love my fam with everything in me. it took me growin the fuck up to realize how much. im excited about going back to school. im going back a different person with a totally new perspective. 4 days left of 21....its been real....shitty. well, it could have been worse. i plan on makin 22 much better. *cough* hope i get some presents *cough* i need to pack my rags so i can go....peace.

i got a lot of livin to do before i die.....
THEME MUSIC:

i am awake. my mind is free. so, i will not write about the love that turned into strong dislike...hate is such a strong word....at the same time, hatred is a sign of weakness. i know at times i am weak...everyone is. the difference is, my times of weakness will be few. i have to be strong, for myself. strong because i have to survive. everybody is on a path.....i will keep on mine. nobody can help me stay on my path but me. no one of flesh and blood knows whats best for me, but me. i intend to always do whats best for me. not saying that i will ignore other people's needs....its just my needs and happiness come first. i have been through a lot in my 21 years and most high willin, when i see 22, im lettin all of the pain and negativity in my past go. im a grown ass woman now. i cant dwell in the past if i want to move forward. you cant move into a new place without giving up the old place. im sittin my bag of past on the curb. the contents of that bag include exes, associates, posessions, etc. not going to say anything more....need to gather my thoughts.

huh?.....i just read something......confused....fightin the urge to think negatively. i have a tendency to think the worst of situations. so, i checked that at the front door. i came in to her house with an open mind.....i was supposed to leave with a better understanding...i walk out of her door with confusion. *insert the frustrated face here* i wanna know why she thinks the way she does....why she says some of the things she says..... i want what i was supposed to leave her house with. its like goin to get a pepperoni pizza, havin your mouth ready to taste it, but instead you get a sandwich. hopefully, i will get the oppurtunity to know why....in time. for now, let me eat my sandwich.

mysterium.....im focused man......burnin 2 sandalwood insense, 1 for me and 1 for my future....just took a shea butter and lavendar bath to clear my head. last night, i almost relapsed...almost broke. i held my tears...i wont look back. i will keep my focus forward....only cowards look back. i aint scared of what lies ahead of me. 2003 is goin to be positively different from 2002. my only resolution is to stay focused. yo, i am soooooo focused ladies and gents. in 2003...no drama, no bullshit, no losers, no issues. a lot of peeps have been formally uninvited from my space...in other words, yall asses aint welcome no more. today my objective is to clean out my closet. i have so much stuff in there that i dont need or want anymore. there are a lot of things that have memories attached to them that i dont want to hold on to....in that closet. its time to let that shit go. you cant grab anything new if your hands are full of old shit. ayyy, 11 days til 22. to be toally honest, im amped. most high willing, i will see my 22nd b-day. *clearin throat* click on my wishlist, cop me something, and make me smile *clearin throat* i go back to school in about a week. im goin to approach this whole school thing differently. true indeed, i am sooooo tired of school. that is goin to make me work 1000 times harder to get the hell out of there. i am ready to start my career. i have already started workin on my dreams. i am writin a lot more, readin a lot more, designin a lot more, thinkin a lot more, feelin me a lot more. i am so fuckin focused yo. peace.